Post by Bad Beth on Aug 22, 2016 18:14:18 GMT
Chapter 10
I woke up the next day with Tristian in bed with me again. My nappy was very wet. I felt for leaks and didn’t feel any. I felt turned on from all the peeing I did so I masturbated. I also wanted to poop again. I decided to stay in the same nappy because I felt it would hold more. The outside of my nappy looked barely wet.
I rested more after I got done masturbating. I felt my nappy getting wetter. I enjoyed the flow while it lasted. I felt like a medium sized one. I felt for leaks when I was done and I rubbed the outside of my nappy again feeling aroused.
I got out of bed a little later and got on the computer. I was checking my blog and email and then I decided to go downstairs. Tristian was still sleeping so I left him up there with the door open so we could hear him.
Pam and Darrin were in the kitchen. Food was made and Pam was sitting at the table drinking coffee while Darrin was doing the dishes.
Darrin stopped and looked at me. “Hey I see we aren’t wearing any trousers today.”
“Huh?” I asked.
“Your legs,” said Darrin.
I looked and saw I had forgotten to put on my pajamas. I was wearing only a shirt and my wet nappies. I thought I had put them on but I must have been so focused I zoned out.
I started to leave the kitchen but Pam said “Honey it’s okay, we don’t mind seeing you like that. We know you wear nappies.”
“They’re just your pants, there is nothing to be ashamed about,” said Darrin.
I still felt embarrassed.
“I made some pancakes,” said Darrin.
“Okay, let me put something on first,” I said.
“No no no no, sit, and I will serve you some, how many do you want?” said Darrin.
I sat down in my wet nappies.
“Natalie, how many?” Pam asked.
“Oh, sorry, two,” I said.
Darrin put two on a plate and put it on the table.
“Is there any syrup?” I asked.
“Yes,” said Darrin.
He went to the cupboard and got it out and set it in front of me.
I started wetting my nappy again while I poured the syrup.
As I ate, I did a big poop in my nappy. I had done it right in front of my in laws.
“Well someone needs a nappy change,” said Pam.
I got up but Pam told me I could finish my breakfast first and then go change. She didn’t see why I should have to interrupt my meal to go change when I can take care of it after.
I started to feel comfortable just sitting in my nappy with nothing over it in front of my in laws.
“So Natalie, do you always sleep with nothing over your legs?” Darrin asked.
I knew he meant pajamas.
“I forgot my plastic pants so I don’t want to leak on my pajamas,” I said.
“Did you leak?”
“I did the other night.”
“We’ll wash your sheets and then put a towel down,” said Pam.
I finished my pancakes and Darrin took the plate for me.
We visited and I sat here in my mess. I felt it squish around in my Tena Slip Maxi inside my Fabine. I couldn’t help but move my fanny around inside my nappy. I felt secretly turned on. I could feel some of it in the front and up the back.
“Well we better let you clean up,” said Pam. “It really stinks.”
I got up and my nappy still felt snugged on me than saggy.
“Natalie,” said Pam.
I looked her direction.
“If you need any assistance, don’t hesitate to ask for my help,” said Pam. “You didn’t clean up the mess yesterday so Darrin had to do it.”
“I was going to but he beat me to it,” I said.
“It was pretty gross and you were taking too long so he did it so if you have trouble, don’t be shy to ask. Remember, I worked as a nurse so you don’t need to be embarrassed about me helping you.”
I went upstairs to my room and grabbed a clean nappy. I took it to the bathroom with me and I saw someone had cleaned in here again because my wipes and rash cream were on the shelf by the toilet. I stood in the tub and started to clean up. I washed the mess off in the tub and made sure it was all down the drain. I dried off and put rash cream on and wiped it off and I unfolded the nappy and held it under me and stepped out of the tub. I leaned against the wall and put it on. I picked up the nappies and rolled them closed and brought it to the bedroom with me. I stuck them in another plastic bag. I remembered to put my pajamas on this time. Tristian woke up and I attended to his needs. I changed his nappy and put an outfit on him and I sat down to nurse him. I went on my computer again and looked on the forums. I checked my thread again. I saw my thread had been crossposted to the Aspergers subreddit. I read the comments over there about my thread. I saw I had been made into the bad guy and I was accused of playing the victim. But luckily I had some sympathy comments because I didn’t really say anything bad about my son but others had read my post as me thinking of my son as a burden all because I spoke the truth.
I felt pissed. Why was everyone so blind to kids being violent and why were they in denial about some autistic children being violent?
I read my other thread on the autism subreddit. It had boomed into a discussion about the hell of raising severely autistic kids and how hard it is to raise them. Some of them even wrote how their autistic sibling went into a group home and everyone has been happier since and the autistic child too. I felt even more worried because what if that became my life. But I was also hoping for a happier end, the group home.
I went back to the Aspergers subreddit and defended myself.
First of all I never abused my child. My son was the first to get abusive with me because I had a baby so he has been trying to hurt him ever since and then me. Trust me, I would rather be the one to get the abuse only. My husband figured he was acting that way due to a change in his routine and I had to do joint attention so I tried that and it didn’t work.
Why is it that parents are not allowed to speak the truth of raising an autistic child, it’s not all roses and we shouldn’t have to sugarcoat it. If you think it’s okay to beat your family members and abuse them, I’m sorry but you deserve to be put away so no one can be harmed by you. I used to be locked in my room for my own aggression and my mom slammed me against the wall choking me threatening to send me away to a mental hospital if I wouldn’t quit being violent and even said she would have to kill me of I tried to kill her. That sure fixed me. I tried to tell my son the reason why I had been going “crazy” is because of the way he had been acting so if he didn’t want me to be “crazy” anymore, he couldn’t keep on trying to hurt me and his new brother and he had to act better again but instead that pissed him off because he tried hurting me anyway and the social worker and my husband had to pull him off. My baby has every right to have a safe household, not be in a domestic abuse household. My son used to not act this way until I had my baby.
I hit save.
I couldn’t believe these people. I guess lot of them were abusers and it was very scary. It’s like how rapists will defend other rapists and how creeps will defend other creeps and how abusers defend other abusers and I think this is what was happening right now. Abusers will blame their actions on their victims. It’s like back in the days when women had less rights so if a man hit her let’s say and the woman complained about it to someone, they would ask her what did she do that made him mad.
Parents do not have rights so every time a kid is acting up and being aggressive, it will be “how are you treating him?”
No wonder many parents stay silent about the abuse. Here I am now afraid to even talk about it and when I just did, they had proved my point why parents stay silent about it and why I should shut up about it and live a secret life.
I kept viewing the threads for more replies and it was too tempting to not see them. I read a response to my post and the comment read
No we don’t think anyone should be abused but the reason why many autistic kids are violent is because of their frustration and too much pressure being put on them to be NT. You can reduce the aggression issues if you find their trigger and you accept them than trying to make them NT.
I wrote back
I do not pressure my son to be NT. I try and teach him at his own pace and right now he uses cards to communicate with and his tablet. He has just regressed after I had the baby and should we have to put it up for an adoption now because he is the trigger for our son’s behavior? In fact everyone is pressuring me to make him “normal” and I don’t want him to get frustrated and have him get violent.
Besides what does it mean to make them NT? Teaching them social skills and facial expressions and body language and social cues? Teaching them to be flexible, teaching them to not do self harm, teaching them to deal with change and not taking a same route to places, teaching them to not talk about their interests all the time, teaching them to stay on topic and do turn taking? To me this is no different than teaching a kid table manners or to say please and thank you and treating others with respect.
I don’t think there is such thing as NT, it’s just an illusion and it doesn’t describe anyone. It’s just there to mean people who don’t have autism or any mental illnesses or neurological conditions.
The point of my OP was asking how people handle their aggressive child and a newborn, what do they do with them in the same household, do they keep them separated or what.
I hit save again.
I felt depressed and anxious for the rest of the time so I just ignored the feelings. I wasn’t going to let internet strangers ruin my time online and even let their opinions get to me. They were just abusers and think abuse is acceptable. I have no use for abusers.
The thread on Wrongplanet was dead because not many people had replied to it so at least I didn’t get any negative comments.
Then Pam came in my room again.
“Natalie, would you like to go to IKEA with me later today?”
“Really?” I asked.
“I need to look at some stuff. See what kitchen items they have and see their ideas for rooms.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Thanks, I appreciate it.”
Pam left and I continued using the computer.
Pam was later ready and she asked me if I am ready yet because she is leaving soon.
I figured this was her cue of telling me to get ready now or else she wouldn’t be asking me.
I put Tristian down and got my clothes on. I put him in his carrier and got his nappy bag ready.
I brushed my teeth in the bathroom and told Pam I was ready.
Pam got her purse and I carried Tristian out to her car. Pam unlocked it and tossed her purse in the backseat. I strapped Tristian’s carrier in the backseat and got in on the passenger side.
As we were moving on the road, Pam said “I really appreciated you came, this means a lot to me.”
“Well I wanted to get out of the house and have something to do to keep my mind off,” I said.
I wanted to keep my mind off the Reddit drama. No way was I going to tell her about that.
“I like having someone with me when I go, I get so lonely doing this,” Pam continued.
“Don’t you have your husband?” I asked.
“He doesn’t like IKEA, it’s a guy thing. He doesn’t understand the fuss about it. It’s too loud and crowded and men don’t like that stuff.”
“But they go to pubs,” I said. “Those are loud and noisy.”
“Yeah they do but they are not into home decorative stuff. It’s all boring to them.”
It didn’t take us long to get there at all. When we arrived in the big parking lot, I saw two smoke stacks. I wondered what they were for. They were just sitting there and not connected to anything. They also looked old. The IKEA building looked like a warehouse. Pam parked her car and turned it off. We got out. I got Tristian out of his carrier and we went inside. I carried him in my arms.
The first thing Pam did was get a map and grab an IKEA bag. It was crowded in here alright but there was still a lot of room to move around. We went up the escalators and Pam looked at the furniture room display. I followed her around and I was hot because I was wearing a coat and holding Tristian. He was very light but I had to hold my arms a certain way because of him. Pam looked at the living room items that were on display and sitting on some sofas and chairs. I followed her around the store and I even saw books on display and they were actual books.
Then she looked in the kitchen section.
“Oh I should get these,” said Pam picking up some Tupperware.
She stuck them in the bag.
“What I love about this store is how inexpensive everything is here,” she said.
Then a mother walked up to us with her two kids. “How old?” she asked pointing at my son.
“A week,” I said. “I had him in the twelfth?”
“Awww,” said the mother.
Pam and her talked for a few moments and then they walked away and a few more people fussed about my baby. I kept holding him in one arm while I touched stuff and smelled things. Then he got hungry again so I put him to my chest and started nursing. I made sure my boob was covered. My arm would be covering the bottom part of my tummy.
Pam continued looking around and I was getting bored so I told her I was going to be sitting in the café.
“Oh sorry,” said Pam and she moved on to the next department.
She did her same antic again, looking at stuff and wanting to sit down on furniture to test it and opening cabinets. If I didn’t know any better, I would say this is how some normies self-stimulate.
I waited patiently again. Pam kept on moving on to other sections of the department and then she moved onto the next one. Then soon we were in the Children’s department.
“Oh Natalie look at this nice cot you can get for Tristian,” said Pam.
“There is no room for it in our house,” I said.
“But you can’t keep him in the bassinet forever, it won’t be safe anymore.”
“He can always sleep with me but we don’t have a room for another cot.”
“Your cousin can always move out and you will have room again.”
I imagined all the space Steven and I would have if Christina moved out with her kids. I could put Tristian in her room and leave the top floor as a play area. Before I lost interest in ABDL, I wanted to have a nursery but it was not possible. We could have had it on the top floor and put in my cot, get me a changing table and a rocking chair for daddy to rock me and also put a high chair in there for him to feed me in. Then put toys in there for me and put up childish wall things. All my AB nappies would be kept in there too on the changing table. I would still love a changing table but we have no room. Instead I am either changed on the floor or on the bed. But instead Christina and her kids ended up living with us so we put her kids on the top floor. Now it can be a play area for everyone. It can be a game room too and a toy room.
Pam showed me other cots and toddler beds. I also looked at the baby toys and gear.
“If Christina ever moves out of your home, you can buy these cabinets here and these storage bins,” Pam showed me. “You can put his clothes in here and his nappies and blankets.”
“I think it’s too soon for this,” I said.
“I am just giving you ideas so you know in the future.”
“This is too long of a drive anyway to get here,” I said.
“I am sure there is one closer to your house,” said Pam.
Then I looked at the children toys and games.
“This will be a good place for Christmas shopping,” said Pam.
Then we moved on to the next department. We went by the restaurant and then we were in the table section. Pam breezed through it and I was so glad she wasn’t touching everything and gawking over every item she sees. Then we walked through the other departments and then Pam said “Okay I don’t need to see any of this. This is just home accessories. We kept walking and then she got distracted again and started looking at stuff.
I got bored again.
“I am going to wait in the restaurant,” I said.
“Oh sorry, I’ll hurry up,” said Pam.
I kept walking away. I went to the café and sat down with Tristian. I put Tristian on my lap and had him sit up while I opened the nappy bag and started to play my Nintendo 3DS.
Then I heard “Oh you have your baby on your lap just like that while you are playing on your phone,” said an older woman.
I looked up and saw she was standing near me.
“It’s a Nintendo 3DS,” I said.
“A what?”
“Nintendo 3DS, it’s a handheld gaming system and you play video games on it.”
“Can you talk on it?”
“No,” I said. “Well sort of, you go to Miiverse and communicate with other players from around the world.”
“What’s Miiverse?”
“A online community from Nintendo for players to communicate from around the world.”
“I don’t even know what those things are I can’t even keep up with electronics,” she said. “But you can’t make phone calls with it can you?”
“Nope,” I said.
“What can you do on it?”
“Take photos, play Nintendo 3DS games and DS games, download games from the eshop, buy different backgrounds for your gaming system and playing the Nintendo Badge Arcade machine to get badges to decorate your background with on your home menu.”
“Wow. I have never seen one of those.”
“Now you have,” I said. “You can find them in a video game store such as GAME and going to Asda and any department store and toy stores. They will always be in the electronics section. You can also get them online such as ebay or Amazon.”
The lady then walked away and I went back to playing my game. Sometimes peoples ignorance astounds me. I can’t even live a day in my life and not see a Nintendo 3DS. They are in stores and online in advertisements on websites. How can someone not notice them?
I continued playing while Tristian just sat on my lap sleeping.
Soon Pam came back with her bag and told me she was ready to go. I put my game away and I picked up Tristian and held him in my arm and got up. I picked up the nappy bag and we headed downstairs.
I was so glad Pam didn’t look in the rest of the departments down here. We were finally walking by all the aisles with boxes with furniture in them that needed to be assembled. I saw an employee helping a customer getting something on the huge trolley.
We walked to the checkout and waited in line.
“Oh I want to check out the bargain center,” said Pam. “Wait here.”
She left with her bag on the counter and she walked to the area that said Bargain Corner above it.
People in front of me paid for their stuff and then another person in front of me paid and then I was up.
The cashier started to take stuff out of the bag. I saw what Pam had gotten.
“Pam?” I shouted.
“How old?” the cashier asked.
I figured she meant my baby.
“Oh my baby, a week.”
“Girl or a boy?”
“Boy.”
“He looks so sweet, you did a good job.”
Oh not that again. All we did was have sex.
I looked at the Bargain Corner and Pam was still looking. The cashier rang up the items and told me the total.
“Oh my mother in law is getting these, she just wanted me to save her spot,” I said.
Then I shouted for Pam again. I was hoping she would look this way and see where I am.
“Pam,” I called again.
Then finally she looked and saw me and came over.
“Sorry about that,” she said.
“Oh no problem,” said the cashier.
Pam took out her card and swiped it through the machine. She put in her PIN and then stuff was put in the plastic bags to take home. After she got done paying Pam carried them and said “I want to look at the food first before we leave.”
We walked around in the food section. She looked at the wine bottles and the drinks and she looked at the sweets and the dairy and other foods. Then she said “Okay let’s go.”
We left the store and went to her car. I heard the doors unlock and I opened the back door and put Tristian in his carrier. Pam put the bags in the boot and closed it. We got in the car and as we were leaving, Tristian started crying again.
“Uh oh,” I said.
“Is he wet?” Pam asked.
“Maybe,” I said.
Tristian kept on crying as we were leaving the area.
Then Pam decided to pull over so I could take care of him.
I got out of the car and took Tristian out of his seat.
“Check his nappy,” said Pam.
I sniffed his butt.
“You have to poke your fingers inside.”
I reached inside his trousers and inside his onsie and felt his diaper.
“It feels fine,” I said,
“He might be hungry again.”
“I just fed him.”
“They have small stomachs.”
I got in the front seat again and started to feed Tristian. He started to suck again.
“My baby sucks,” I said.
Pam laughed.
“He is such a little sucker, aren’t you,” I said to him.
“And he is a squitter,” said Pam.
“Huh?” I asked.
“Oh you know, has that happened yet when changing his nappy?”
“Oh you mean peeing, yes it has, one time. Too bad he isn’t a girl or else he wouldn’t squirt.”
“It’s even messier, the pee goes up their backs,” said Pam.
“Why?”
“They pee down and when they are laying down, the pee has to go somewhere.”
“But wouldn’t the nappy catch it?”
“Sometimes it’s between changes. It’s a mess.”
“Weird, nappies have always been placed under me while changing and under pads.”
“Well you’re incontinent so it’s different for you, it doesn’t work the same way with a baby.”
“Why?”
“Babies bladders hold it and then they go when they feel the urge but incontinent peoples bladders, they just release urine before it gets full so you are always going.”
“I do long flows sometimes,” I said.
I didn’t tell her I actually enjoy the feeling of my nappies getting wet when it happens. The longer the better.
I still remember the time she changed me because I was sick with the flu and I couldn’t do it because of a bad headache and my eyes were sore and I was so tired. Steven couldn’t do it because he was busy so Pam offered and it was so embarrassing. I remember she put the underpad down and pulled down my trousers and she got out a clean nappy and had it opened and had it beside me. Then she took my current one off and she cleaned the front part of me first and then had me roll over and cleaned the backside and even spread my legs to get me cleaned up. I even started peeing but she used a towel to soak it up so it wouldn’t get all over. Then she put a new under pad down and continued cleaning me up and then she put the nappy down and had me roll on it and she put rash cream on me and taped it up. She had done it the nurse way and she even used adult sized wipes to clean me up. I honestly felt more like a patient than a guest in her home. Then she was nice to take the nappy out of the room for me and throw it away. Then I remember Steven asking me later about how it felt to have his mom change me and I said it was embarrassing and he said she is a professional so I don’t need to be embarrassed about it. It always feels awkward to have new people changing me. Even Christina had done it once and after that I wouldn’t let her again. One of Steven’s sisters had changed me during one of their bets and I was too drunk I don’t even remember but Steven said I found the whole thing hilarious especially when she kept vomiting in the toilet because of the mess I did in my nappy. I hadn’t been drunk since Alex has been back in my care. So I would need to be drunk to not even care who changes me. Even my dad has had to change me once as an adult because I was so drunk one night and he didn’t want me leaking all over and getting a bad rash so he had to do it. He told me he did not want to do this again and he is hoping he wouldn’t have to. Now everyone in Steven’s family offers to change me when I smell except for the guys. Pam will do it if I don’t change so I change. She even got me a handicapped stroller once she found at a charity shop and I thought it was a joke when she said she got it for me but she said I tend to get separated and take off and they don’t want to lose me so get in. It was pretty embarrassing and I felt so retarded being pushed around. Steven thought I looked cute in it and he imagined me being pushed in it as an adult baby. But I never wanted to be in that thing so Steven told me I had to stay with everyone or I go in the stroller just like babies do because they also take off or do I need the leash. He can use it on me I use for Alex. But luckily Pam didn’t use the stroller again for IKEA. It would be less embarrassing if it were a wheelchair. I used to be in a handicapped stroller for a while when I was seven and eight because I got in a car accident so I couldn’t walk far for a while so I was in one for two years. Then my muscles got stronger in my legs again so I didn’t need it anymore and I decided to quit using it. My mother sold it at our garage sale when I was 13. I was too big for it then because I grew. But sometimes I feel like everyone wants to change my nappy and Steven tells me to start changing more often so no one won’t want to do it.
When Tristian got done with nursing, I put him back in his carrier and strapped him in and got in the front seat. Pam got back on the road and went home.
When we got back, I carried Tristian inside while Pam got her bags out of the boot. She showed them to Darrin who was working outside in the yard. He was doing some painting on the trim of the conservatory.
Darrin kept on painting nodding his head.
Then Pam had a look on her face and went inside. I wasn’t sure what that look meant, was it a good look or a bad look? Did it mean she was upset or happy? I couldn’t tell. It was just a look. I didn’t care so I let it go.
Darrin looked at me. “Women, what is it with IKEA? It’s nothing but crowds. How was it there?”
“Pam bored me with looking at everything,” I said.
Darrin laughed. “That’s why I don’t go.”
“At least it got me out of the house and I got to explore the area.”
“Was it crowded?”
“Not really but there were lot of people.”
“Oh it was crowded then.”
“There was still lot of room to walk around, you didn’t have to wait on anyone to get through. But if you need anything cheap, you just go to IKEA for it.”
“That’s okay, I just go somewhere else but not IKEA. Us men are stubborn. We do not go to IKEA.”
“But I saw some guys there,” I pointed out.
“I bet their wives made them go, I feel bad for them. Those poor guys. Did they look miserable there?”
I shrugged and said I didn’t know. I didn’t pay any attention there.
“I bet they were unhappy and were waiting to go but their wives were making them be there. But the rest of us are strong, we will never set a foot in that store.”
Darrin went back to painting and I went inside. I picked Tristian up again and started to head upstairs.
“Oh Natalie, I need your help in here,” said Pam.
I set the carrier down again and I walked into the room that was by the hallway before you get to the stairs facing the front door. It was just a spare bedroom that was made into some office and behind there was a closet and bathroom. There was also a set of cabinets in the room.
Pam was going through some papers from one of the drawers. Then she put them down and told me she needed my help with the shelf that is against the wall.
“But first we need to take stuff off it,” said Pam.
I helped her take books off and then the phone rang.
“Be right back, keep taking them off for me,” Pam left the room to get to her mobile home.
I took three more books off and then I decided to look through the cabinets.
I found some art projects. I assume they were from school. They had names on them that belonged to Diane from when she was a kid.
I found more art projects and I found Steven’s. I kept looking and then I found report cards. First I saw were Steven’s. I started looking at them to see how good he did in school. I saw he got very good grades. So he was a whiz in school. He had all A’s. I looked at his marks for what he excelled in and what needed improvement. I felt a little better he had some check marks but lot of them were pluses too. I also looked at the comments. He had comments like, “Steven follows the rules very well and doesn’t follow the crowd” “Steven is his own person, it’s a pleasure having him in my class” “I wish Steven would participate a little more in my class” “Steven prefers to keep himself company than being with peers” “Steven takes things a little too literal” “Steven loves to learn” “Steven is very quiet in my class.” Then I found his report cards from high school when he was in the upper years and I saw he didn’t do as good in English like he did in Math and science and he took a computer class and did a woodshop class. I also saw a comment a PE teacher left him. “Steven is a little clumsy and sports are not his strongest suit but he is a hardworking man.”
Here was my husband getting good comments and I had all critical comments in my report cards. I even found some letters written about him from his teachers. One of them was about their concern about Steven’s difficulty with transitions in their classroom and one teacher wrote a note that was dated June 7th 1983 and it was about how Steven refused to color a cow with a different color because it was not the color cows are and when they tried to get him to use the correct color, he tossed the crayon across the room saying it’s not the right color. I also saw at the bottom the note was signed by Pam. Doing the math he was five when that happened. I also found some medical reports and I read through them and I saw he was tested before and was given an IQ and his verbal IQ was 134 while his performance IQ was 102 and his overall IQ score was 127. I saw his other scores. His report said he had a disability with social skills and how he had no friends and preferred to be in his own world and just read and draw. I also saw he was in a gifted program for smart kids. My husband was just labeled as being absent minded with a little bad temper and a little clumsy. I can remember him telling me he didn’t have any friends until he got to around age sixteen and it never occurred to him to have any before. Plus he didn’t start driving until he got to his twenties and he didn’t get a girl interested in him until college. Taffie was his first wife and they were both young when they met and got married and they had a kid together and things didn’t work out between them so they separated and divorced. Then he had tried to meet other women and didn’t have any luck because he didn’t know how to approach them or how to talk to them and he always rubbed them the wrong way. He also tried to find a baby girl online but they all turned out to be a fake and one of them cheated him out of his money. Then I moved here and we met again and he only kept his focus on me than on other women. Steven still doesn’t have any friends and he’s told me he could never hold a friendship because he can’t live his life and have friends at the same time or even do a relationship and have friends. It’s just the way he is. Women have gotten mad at him before for not talking to them enough because he would go days without talking to them but he always told me he was busy and he couldn’t respond for a few days or a week so I would sit back and enjoy my life while he worked and was busy. But I think once he found out I was into the whole ABDL thing and also wanted a daddy, it made him pay more attention to me and all of a sudden he was seeing me a lot so he could all of a sudden do a friendship and work at the same time. But we got into a relationship and Taffie felt he wasn’t seeing his son enough or involving him enough in his life. Steven also didn’t talk about him unless I asked him about him and he is also a private person because he doesn’t share much with people about himself and his life but he shared anything with me. Steven doesn’t know why he is that way either. He says he is just is and that is the way his brain is.
Then Pam came back. “That was my sister calling. Oh, I see you found your husband’s old report cards,” she said.
“He was even different in his childhood too,” I said.
“He was something, just unusual is all.”
“What did you think was wrong with him then?” I asked.
“We didn’t think anything. We only knew he was unusual. We never thought he had something though one of our friends did make a joke once about him being a tiny bit autistic.”
“And what did you think?”
“Nothing. He wasn’t. His mind just worked a little different is all. He has never been diagnosed with anything. They only said he had social issues and that his brain worked different. There were no diagnoses.”
“Do you think he has Asperger’s?”
“No he isn’t autistic.”
“What do you think what autistic is?” I asked. “What picture does it give you?”
“Them having a hard time getting their thoughts out and them communicating and expressing their emotions and being fixated on things like spinning wheels on cars or vacuums or spending hours lining everything up and having a hard time connecting to people and spending their time doing repetitive behaviors, does that sound like your husband at all?”
“No,” I said.
“See? He may be a little strange but that doesn’t make him autistic. Some people’s brains just work differently. Steven is more of an analytical thinker and more if a tech and detailed person than a people person. His brain isn’t made for that. He is made to problem solve.”
“At least he has me and a kid,” I said.
“Yes, that is wonderful isn’t it. He has actually been happier when he met you because he has someone who gets him.”
“What was he like with Taffie?” I asked.
“He didn’t really say. He doesn’t talk about those things. He is very private, he always has been.”
I found this all ironic what she was saying about Steven. Autism=self. Steven kept to himself and was very private, he didn’t express his feelings and share anything with others. He is also too involved in his work, can’t hold a friendship and keep friends, he takes things literal sometimes, he has social issues and communication problems and connecting to people, his social issues he had with Taffie and the lack of empathy he displayed. I think Pam was just normalizing her son because she loves him and parents are more bias about their kids. Plus he was so adherence to the rules and didn’t copy other kids. He always kept to himself and would prefer to read about his interests and draw. I guess Pam thought that was all normal and still does. After all he does talk to people and he does share lot of things with me and he cares about me a lot and has empathy for me. But he won’t go for a diagnoses because he can adapt in the world and he has a job and he can pass as normal so he doesn’t think he would be diagnosable and he doesn’t want a label attached to him and have it follow him and jeopardize his career like it did for me in high school when they tried to limit my career choices and try and say I shouldn’t learn to drive. Steven still doesn’t talk about his feelings but most guys are that way. He is no way empathetic because he will just problem solve. But to me he is empathetic because he can feel my emotions and he likes to hold me to comfort me and give me a solution to make me feel better. His ex-wife was too much for him to handle because of her emotions and he would shut down and had to leave the room but not with me for some reason. He often acts like he doesn’t care so people might think he is cold but he just doesn’t know how to express it so he never says anything to them. Plus he also has issues with some food textures and clothes and he also can hear above normal but they don’t impair him. He can still filter out sound. I didn’t even want to argue with Pam about all this so I kept my mouth shut. She wanted to normalize her son and it wasn’t hurting him.
“Didn’t Taffie say?” I asked.
“She thought he was a little cold and that he cared more about his work than his family and she felt she couldn’t communicate with him normally. They both were not right for each other. Don’t tell him I said this but she thought he was a bit socially retarded because he wasn’t smart with it.”
“But I have noticed how well he gets along with people so it’s hard for me to see he has social issues,” I said.
“Family is nothing and neither are people that work. It doesn’t take much skill to go to a restaurant and order your food or going to a store and asking where things are or when you have something in common. You don’t know how lucky Steven is because you have such a wonderful man it’s too bad others missed out on it because he asked me one time “Mum how do you do a relationship without a woman thinking you are being a jerk or making her feel you are treating her like a child” it broke my heart but he didn’t say he was asking about himself but I just knew that was what the question was.”
“How did you know he was asking about himself?”
“I read between the lines, I am not gay for one and he is a guy and he was going through a divorce so I just knew. But he wouldn’t tell me what problems he was having with dating. He’s a very private man so it’s tough to know what goes on in his life but he’s said several times that his ex-wife was having a hard time again so he was letting her cool down and I would ask him what was going on and he would tell me and I just knew he was having problems because it would really hurt her he would do that because she felt he didn’t care.”
“He doesn’t do that to me,” I said. “According to him, she was just a bitch.”
“Did he actually say that?” Pam asked. She sounded shocked.
“No, he never used those exact words, that is just my impression I got about her because of the way she acted towards him,” I said. “But yet she seems nice whenever I saw her.”
“I think you’re both more compatible, he and her didn’t have anything in common and she had different needs, it happens. Steven is more of a logical person and too much emotions overwhelm him, he was like that as a little boy too. If I got too upset with him, he would shut down and it would make it harder for him to listen and process it.”
“He doesn’t shut down when I get too upset,” I said.
“That’s good. Maybe he has changed a little. You could never get too upset with him. He was a very good boy, rarely acted out but he was very strong willed, rarely tested his limits.”
Steven sounded like a better kid than me. I was always getting into trouble and acting out, I had behavior issues, I copied people so that caused me problems too and trying to blend in and be normal and the fact I wanted friends so I faced lot of rejections and isolation and I was depressed because of it. But he also sounded like he is more of a unnormie than I am. I was the one who always talked about her problems and shared her feelings and I shared things. So I was more of a normie compared to Steven. I felt gypped that I had to be diagnosed and he never got diagnosed but then I had to remind myself that Asperger’s wasn’t in the DSM until 1994 but it was in the ICD before then and in other criterias like Gillberg but no one ever spotted it in him. I guess because he was such a good boy, no one ever thought he had problems. He only had some so he was tested only to see he was very smart and very focused on detail than on the big picture and he was good with patterns. Plus his parents never took him doctor to doctor to see what was wrong with him because they had accepted him and the fact he wasn’t having problems at home or at school so they didn’t think anything at all. They only thought he was a very private boy and introverted and wasn’t interested in people and they didn’t see that as him being broken like most parents would. Plus he was academic smart so of course they wouldn’t suspect anything.
I was feeling retarded again. I think they viewed all his behavior as normal. Pam had mentioned before that he was also a picky eater, lot of kids are so she didn’t think anything about it. And she even said he was strong willed, another indicator he could be on the spectrum but she saw it as him being stubborn and strong willed. Even their friend’s joke about him didn’t ring them any bells. But back then autism was just being handicapped and locked in your own world and being nonverbal and having language delays. Steven talked early and he toilet trained on time too and reached some of his milestones early and he didn’t have any issues with daily living and he never melted down in public or acted out. He even tried to buy a computer with his parents’ credit card when he was six so why would autism cross their mind?
“Pam, did you know there are autistic people out there who are successful and live normal lives? They even have jobs like Temple Grandin for example,” I said.
“No I have never been aware of that,” said Pam.
“You should look up famous autistics some time and read about Temple Grandin and John Robison, and Liane Holliday Willey and you might find other stories about successful autistics, would you think they don’t have it because they don’t fit your description of it?”
“I still don’t think he has it,” Pam said again.
“But would you think the others have it I just told you about?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know them and I never heard of them.”
“But you met my mother, what did you think of her?”
“I can tell.”
“How so?” I asked.
“You know, she’s your mother so I don’t know why you’re asking.”
“Because I want to hear your answer,” I said.
“You can’t hold a conversation with her, her choice of words are different and you can tell she has a hard time connecting to the rest of us and she doesn’t seem to pick up on social skills and she misses jokes and sarcasm. She won’t look me in the eye and she takes some things literal and she doesn’t realize we have a different perspective so she will try and correct us and try and help us understand not even realizing we just have our own opinion. I remember at your wedding I saw her doing this,” Pam showed me by holding her fingers in front of her face and moving them up and down. “She didn’t think anyone was looking when I saw her and I remember learning to not ask her about her trip on the way here because she went into so much detail you probably know what I mean because you lived with her but anyway I did not need to know that a guy behind her barfed and interrupting her, out of the question. It takes a lot of energy talking to her and her approach is different.”
“What about the time when she did do good social skills?”
“I think she over did it. At least she was trying but she still has a hard time with them.”
“I call her the social disaster now,” I said.
“When is she coming again?”
“Next week,” I said.
“Well she can stay here if you’re still here.”
“I am going to try and get her to use less social skills.”
Last time Mum had been here, she was so annoying it gave me lot of anxiety because of her over use of her social skills. It was like being in an episode of 101 Dalmatians the Series where the puppies made a clone out of Cruella and her clone was very nice. She was so nice it drove the puppies crazy and she caused chaos on the Dearly farm the puppies missed the old Cruella so they got her back by making her one person again instead of two. That was how I felt about my mother. I wanted the old her back. But sadly I never got to get the old her back but I will try this time.
Pam and I finished moving the bookshelf and then she told me to just leave the books and she will put them on because she likes how they go.
It’s funny how even normies like things a certain way but yet they have made it an autistic trait. But it’s not really an autistic trait, it’s about how you react to it and express yourself like how would Pam react if someone took something off her bookshelf and didn’t put it back in its right spot? I doubt she would have a freak out over it and have a meltdown or hide and stim like crazy. I know that was extreme but it’s just an example of an abnormal reaction. Most people would just fix it and move on, even me. Some even say they are so OCD over it. But it’s not OCD. My dad would go crazy if someone had the movies out of order or put the books out of order because someone didn’t put them back properly. He would yell at us like we had done something wrong when all we did was put the movies back or the books. I guess that would also be an abnormal reaction because how many people get upset over that and see it as a crime? Most people would just fix it and move on and not make a big deal about it. They also wouldn’t feel agitated and have anxiety over it because someone didn’t put it back right. I sometimes swear my dad also has autistic traits but they say he has OCD instead because he doesn’t have enough to have an ASD. I also think he has anxiety because of his worries and they call it OCD. Plus he always made bad group of friends as if he can’t judge people properly and see their intentions properly and he has even gotten into trouble because of other people but luckily he never got in serious trouble because of it. He did cheat on my mom once but he was basically raped because he was drunk and drunk people cannot legally consent so that would mean he was raped. Mom eventually found out he cheated and that was months after it happened and she used it to justify her decision to divorce him because of his poor judgment with drinking and the fact he had been seeing that woman even though he was no longer seeing her. She said she was tired of his drinking and she didn’t want to be a cause of it because he did it for stress and she stressed him out with her problems. But he had been sober but that didn’t matter. She said she was too much for him to handle so he could move on and find a better woman who isn’t difficult and doesn’t have any problems. Maybe he will meet a “normal” one this time. He did eventually but it turned out she was already married and she was also cheating on her husband and that was how Robbie was born. But I am sure anyone would fall for that because how is anyone supposed to know someone is married if they don’t tell them and if they lie about it? Dad hasn’t really dated anyone since because he is too busy and he doesn’t think anyone would date someone at his age with a young child.
I kept looking at the papers about Steven and then Tristian woke up so I tried to put the stuff back but Pam told me she will take care of it, I have a baby to take care of. I left the room with Tristian and took him upstairs to my room. I got him out and started to feed him.
I wondered how Steven reacted when things he liked a certain way were moved or not put back in their proper spot.