Post by Bad Beth on Apr 12, 2016 17:22:31 GMT
Natalie has just had her new baby and everyone is now home and excited, everyone except for Alex. He doesn't like having a new baby around and Natalie is having anxiety about keeping him safe from her oldest son and Steven thinks if she pays more attention to him again and gets back into his regular routine, Alex will appreciate his baby brother and not be bothered anymore with a new baby but things are going rough in the Wilums family.
Chapter 1
Cute tiny face, cute ears, cute nose, cute eyes, cute mouth, everything about Tristian was cute. That was the name we had picked because Daddy wouldn’t tell me what other names he liked. He was too hung up on this one and wouldn’t tell me what other names he liked so Tristian it was.
We were finally going to go home today after being here for two days. I had arrived here on Saturday night with Tristian and we spent the whole day in the hospital yesterday and now we were going home today. I will go home and keep Tristian very close to me and not leave him out of my sight.
One of the nurses came in again and gave me another pain relief pill and she checked my tummy. She checked where my uterus was now. She checked my son again for jaundice and handed him back to me. Then she took my breakfast tray and left.
I still had cramps happening in my upper legs and I channel surfed waiting for Daddy to get back. He had to run home to get the car seat. My Dad had come by to pick him up and they were going to run home together and get it. I got dressed and got things packed up ready to go. I put all the baby nappies in the plastic bag, I got Tristian in his new welcome home outfit. I put tiny socks on his feet, no shoes. I put a hat on his head that came with the outfit. The things I left behind were the postpartum pads and the disposable knickers but I had packed the Kleenex. I did a double check of the room to make sure I hadn’t forgotten to pack anything.
I sat back on the bed and kept holding Tristian. I nursed him again. At least my boobs haven’t gotten engorged and I hoped they wouldn’t get that way.
Dad and Daddy came back with the baby carrier. A different nurse came in and started to empty out the rubbish and she handed me the postpartum pads and the knickers but I told her I didn’t need them and she said “You should take them. I am going to throw them away.”
“But I don’t need them,” I said again.
“She doesn’t use them,” said Daddy.
The lady just tossed them in the bag and then she went in the bathroom and came back out with the water bottle thing that sprays on you down there. “You’re going to need this to clean yourself down there with,” she said.
Daddy took it from her.
“I want to take a picture of you three,” said Dad.
He took out his mobile phone and Daddy and I stood together with Tristian in my arms and we smiled and Dad took the picture. He looked at it and then put it away. Daddy walked away so I knew that was the cue Dad was done.
Daddy started to work on the infant carrier, the same nurse who had given me my medicine was in here helping us with it to be sure we had it tight enough. Daddy and Dad had to readjust the straps to make it fit Tristian. Then I put Tristian in it and strapped him in and we had to make the straps tighter. It was all a pain because it was taking too long. Another male nurse came in and said “we have a wheelchair out here ready for the mum.”
We soon left and I sat in the wheelchair holding Tristian all bundled up in his new blanket that was given to us as a gift while Daddy was holding the baby carrier. Dad left ahead of us to get the car so he could get the car and meet us at the entrance. One of the nurses was pushing me to the entrance. I looked at Tristian face and rubbed it and I also stroked his head and felt his soft spot.
When we got down there we waited and Dad pulled in with his car and the nurse pushed me to it and Dad got out of the car and opened the back door and Daddy put the infant carrier inside. I got out of the wheelchair and I put Tristian in the carrier and Daddy strapped him in. I put my bag and nappies in the boot. Then I got in the back seat and sat next to Tristian. The nurse went back inside with the wheelchair. Dad drove and Daddy sat in front of me. I looked at Tristian on the way home. I felt so happy to have my whole body back but the only thing I had were cramps but I could deal with because they were mild compared to what I had to go through during labor and before labor. The cramps I were having off and on right now felt like the ones I would have when I would have Braxton Hicks before the baby dropped.
Home sweet home, Dad pulled in front of our house blocking our drive way. I unbuckled the carrier and took it out of the car. Daddy got my stuff out of the boot. We went inside and no one was home because the kids were in school and Christina was at work.
“I am going to head out now,” said Dad. “Oh he is so cute,” he looked at Tristian and rubbed his finger on his face and touched his nose. He was sleeping. He had slept the whole time.
Dad left and it was just Daddy and me alone. I left our son in his carrier. I took out my computer and plugged it in and turned it on. I went back to the forums and read posts there. I kept looking at Tristian while he slept and I couldn’t stop looking at him while I used my computer. His head faced sideways and his eyes were closed and he was all covered up with the blanket.
He soon woke up and I got him out of his carrier and nursed him again. He still had his eyes closed. I did my computer while he nursed. Then Daddy brought me the nursing pillow and placed it under Tristian. He rested on the pillow.
When it came time to get Alex from school, Daddy volunteered to go and told me to just stay here with the baby. He left and I rested with the computer. I moved the computer upstairs to be out of Alex’s way when he gets home. I didn’t want him to get too upset with the new baby and I wanted to keep him safe. I plugged the computer back in again and opened my laptop back up and picked Tristian up. He stopped crying. His cries were quiet and not very loud. I held him up in the air and looked at him. I studied his eyes and they were averted and he wasn’t looking at me. Then I brought him to my chest and held him in my arms.
I heard Daddy come home soon with Alex. I heard him talking to him and calling my name. “Up here,” I called.
Daddy came up the stairs. I also heard Alex. I held my son close. “You want to see your baby brother? Mum has him,” said Daddy.
“No!” Alex shrieked with his mouth.
Daddy talked more and Alex shrieked again “No! No!”
“Just leave him be,” I shouted.
Daddy left him alone and I kept hearing Alex making funny shrieking sounds.
I decided I should stay hidden in our room for the rest of the day.
I was so glad I was no longer pregnant because I didn’t feel uncomfortable when I stood up and walked and I didn’t feel so lazy. I would rather deal with the cramping from the uterus shrinking than dealing with the pain I was in before when I went into labor. The pain I was feeling now felt like the pain I felt when I was having Braxton Hicks contractions but this time I didn’t have all this weight in my belly and there was nothing pushing down there.
Daddy took care of Alex for me while I just stayed in our room with our newborn son. He even put Alex to bed for me and I could hear Alex making noise while Daddy was getting him ready for bed.
“Your mum has been with the new baby all day,” Daddy said.
I wondered what Alex said or how he was acting to make Daddy say that. I put Tristian in the bassinet and I took off all my clothes. I got a clean nappy and took the rash cream and brought them to the bathroom with me. I took my nappy off and it was all bloody and at least Daddy had finally taken out the used nappies or someone did. I threw the nappy away and got in the shower and turned the water on. It warmed up and I turned on the shower head. I shaved my arm pits and pussy and legs and then I washed my hair. It felt so good to see my pussy again and see the spots I had missed. I used the tweezers and plucked some hair out. I turned the water off when I was done and I grabbed a towel and dried off and I opened the clean nappy and sat on the toilet and put rash cream on to avoid a bloody mess and any accidents. I wiped my hands and I grabbed the nappy and stood up and placed it under me and put it on. I flushed the toilet and I got my pajamas on. Tristian was still sleeping. I looked at him and I saw him moving his lips. I loved the sucking sounds he made. Alex did that too. Tristian stayed on is back because he couldn’t even roll to the side yet or even roll over. I got on my computer again.
Night time was interesting because Alex kept getting up in the middle of the night and Daddy always took care of it while I took care of Tristian. He also woke up too to be fed so I kept him in the cot with me and slept like he was my doll. I co slept with Tristian and all that anti co sleeping stuff is crap. It’s just dangerous to do it when you are on drugs or intoxicated or if you are not the mother because mums are more in tuned with their baby so they wouldn’t roll on top of them. Our brains know our baby is there so we wouldn’t roll on them. I have done some research on co sleeping and studies have shown it reduces the risks of SIDS. Also it just makes it easier for me because I wouldn’t have to get out of my cot to get the baby and to breast feed. I can just pop my boob out here and feed. I don’t even have to get up to make a bottle. Daddy teased me about playing with my doll and I took it seriously because he told me he was just joking but said he is serious because he is role playing. I don’t understand how people can be half joking and half serious. Either you are joking or you’re not. I told him that and he said “never mind” and said he just thinks I look so cute and he imagines me playing with my new doll. I was in no mood for role play so I just ignored it.
“How do you like your new doll?” he asked.
“I’m in no mood,” I said.
“No mood for what?”
“Daddy and little girl stuff,” I said.
“But you are still in this,” he touched my cot.
“It’s my only bed, where else am I going to sleep? On the floor or on the couch?” I asked. “or in the chair over there?” I glanced at it.
Daddy didn’t answer.
If you are in no mood for Daddy and little girl, then why are you still calling him your Daddy instead of by his name, you ask.
Because it’s what I call him and he is my Daddy, says Natalie to you.
But you said you were not playing, so shouldn’t you be calling him Steven? You ask again.
Natalie sees your point.
I held Tristian in my arms while nursing him. I fell back asleep with my boob in his mouth.
Chapter 2
I woke up in the morning with Steven getting ready to change me. Tristian was still in my arm. My boob was out of his mouth. I was shivering while Steven was putting a changing pad under me. Then he pulled my pajamas down and took them off. He undid my nappy and he got a wipe and started to clean me up.
He took the wet nappy away and grabbed the unfolded clean nappy and put it under my bum. He set my bum on it and he rubbed the rash cream on and then he wiped his fingers on the nappy and put it on me. He put my pajamas back on and covered us again. He gave me a kiss and said “I love you both.”
Then he gave Tristian a kiss on his head and slid the rail up and he washed his hands in the bathroom and left our room.
I put Tristian at the end of the cot and hugged my own arms. Finally, I had myself again. I rested again and tried to go back to sleep.
I could hear Alex again and Steven was taking care of him for me. I guess he was helping me out. I stayed in our bedroom. I had to stay out of Alex’s sight again. He can always come in here when he is ready to see his new brother. I looked at Tristian again to be sure he was breathing. I saw his chest moving so I knew he was alive. I felt my belly and it felt so good to have my whole body back and have a small tummy again. I checked it for stretch marks and there were none. No granny skin either. I pulled on it and it still looked normal, no stretchy skin. My baby didn’t ruin my body. I wonder if I will be lucky again if I have another baby? Neah, I was fine with this one. I don’t need to have more children. I think I will just get myself fixed so I won’t have another accident.
Steven soon took Alex to school after a long morning with him. I couldn’t even get back to sleep so I climbed out of my cot and got on my computer. I was hungry but I always do computer first. I looked on Reddit and look at the posts on the front page. I felt bored because I felt I didn’t have an interest anymore. Nothing was interesting me on here so I looked on other forums I go to and still felt bored on them. I didn’t feel like playing Sonic Dash and hadn’t played it in a while, I didn’t feel like blogging or doing any writing. I didn’t feel like playing my Nintendo 3DS or doing any other reading. I felt so empty inside. I closed my computer and went downstairs. Everyone was gone so it was just me home alone with the Tristian. I saw the house needed to be cleaned. I had breakfast first and then I heard Tristian crying. I didn’t get him right away because I had to finish eating. Then I put the bowl in the sink and went back upstairs. I climbed in my cot and got Tristian out. I could smell his poopy nappy so I had to change it. It was that sweet smell and I liked the smell of it. I changed him on Steven’s bed. I wiped the runny poop off Tristian’s butt and penis and put a clean nappy on him. Then I picked out an outfit for him to wear. He had to wear all his clothes now before he outgrew them. They grow very fast. Back when I had Alex, I was given so much baby clothes he didn’t get to wear all of them and lot of them he only got to wear a few times and then he outgrew them all. I could even go a whole month without any laundry because that was how many baby clothes I had. I didn’t get that many again with my new one or even get as many free clothes. I had requested to not be given a lot because of what happened last time so I knew I wouldn’t need that many clothes.
I got him in a nice newborn outfit and put socks on his feet. I threw the nappy away and picked him off the bed and held him in the air. He had averted eyes again. I brought him down to my arms and held him there. I was going to do some chores but he started to cry again. I liked the sound of his crying but it would be too cruel to let him cry just so I would listen to the sound of it. I put him to my boob to shut him up and he took the nipple and started to nurse. I couldn’t clean like this so I just got back on the computer to pass time. He made swallowing sounds, they sounded like little squirts. I could also hear the suckling and feel the letdown in my other boob and hear the milk leaving my boob that was being sucked on. I looked at his face and could see his cheeks moving from him doing all the sucking and swallowing. I enjoyed feeling my boob getting emptied. It felt so good to get rid of all that milk. I felt like a cow again and these were my utters.
Then Steven came home and he came upstairs. He looked at our new son and then he said “Are you enjoying your new doll?”
I didn’t answer. For some reason I found this role playing boring. It didn’t phase me.
“Are you okay?” Steven asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “Why?”
“You didn’t answer. How do you like your new doll.”
I sighed. “Please?”
“You’re not in the mood again?”
“No,” I said. “I’m just your wife.”
“Does that mean you want me to take your bed down and replace it with your regular bed?” Steven asked.
“I don’t know it feels nice in there.”
“But only babies sleep in it, not adults.”
“Well I do.”
“Does that mean you also don’t want me changing your nappies?”
“No, you can still change me so I wouldn’t have to do it,” I said.
“At least I still have my baby girl.”
“Hey you want to empty this one out for me, it has a lot of milk in it,” I pointed to my right boob.
“No I want to save it for Tristian.”
“It will make more.”
“But I want him to get enough food so he won’t starve.”
“My body will make enough for the baby so you can have some too and my body will make even more and that will be more calories for me to burn.”
“I know but I still want to make sure he gets enough.”
Steven looked at our son again and then headed downstairs. I took Tristian off my boob and switched him over to my other boob to bring the milk down.
All day long I held Tristian and stayed in my room and Steven gave me something to eat and it was on a regular plate this time and I was given a regular cup instead of a kid’s cup. “I wasn’t sure if you would want it on a regular plate so I did it since you didn’t want me calling you my baby girl earlier and asking you about your doll. Enjoy your food.”
He left again and I started to eat. I had Tristian in his bouncer. He was wide awake and he was just lying there looking around. I nursed him more and I changed my nappy when it needed to be changed. Steven soon had to get Alex again.
I moved my finger around on Tristian’s face and felt his tiny hands and fingers. I remembered when Alex was this small. When I first had him, it felt like I was dreaming and this couldn’t be real when I was holding him on my chest. I was single, on my own, living with my dad again and with my little brother and sister and Alex slept in my room. His dad was out of the picture because he was a jerk and he didn’t want a baby so I never stuck his name on the birth certificate and there is no record of him as the father. I never went after child support either and instead relied on WIC and healthcare for him and I was getting Social Security Benefits and I found babies were not that really expensive and I still had time to do video games and computer because what are you supposed to do with a baby, stare at them like they are in the zoo? Newborns don’t do anything except you stare at them because they are so cute and your own so it’s different and not boring to do. Then when they get bigger, you just let them crawl around and leave stuff out of reach and give them toys to play with and keep them in the same room as you. But my dad hated when I would be playing video games or be on the computer and my son would be staring at the screen or just be in my arms and I am just looking at the screen so I guess he wanted me to stare at my child like he is in the zoo. I would have him in the bouncer and I would be playing video games again or just have him in the baby swing just so I can do my thing and I also enjoyed showing him off whenever I went for walks. I would just push him in his stroller while I went for a walk or just carried him on my chest. I was so happy then being a new mum and showing everyone how I had birthed a child and now I was a mum. Then less than a year later, I was offered an apartment by Aunt Elizabeth and her husband so up to Seattle I went with Alex. I did want a place of my own but couldn’t afford it so they offered it to me less and Dad helped me move up there. I was excited and nervous because I was going to be away from both my parents long distance. I wanted to be independent and I was tired of Dad telling me how to raise my son and nagging me because he thought I should stare at him like he is in a cage and telling me to get him checked out because he was worried about him not babbling and because he was ignoring everyone and not responding to sounds, and because he would cry to be put down. To me he was just perfect and I wasn’t worried. It was Aunt Elizabeth who got on my case about him and telling me her concerns and I didn’t take notice until he started to have tantrums and get aggressive and at age two he was diagnosed as having an autistic disorder. He missed lot of his milestones; he didn’t wave bye bye or point or tell me what he needed, he didn’t give me anything or show off, he was uninterested and only wanted to play with his own toys and he never did pretend stuff and he was only interested in moving them and lining them up and he made sounds with his mouth and he walked late and crawled late and sat up late and never spoke a word except shrieking and they said he was pretty severe. I couldn’t even take him out in public either without him screaming and trying to get away. He wore real nappies until the age of eight and now he wears pull ups. He still needs help going to the toilet with assistance and needing to be followed through the steps. One thing I don’t understand about autism is how they can be average intelligent or above and still have a hard time with self-help care skills. Dad told me I was just like my mother, always having Brian on her while she would still be doing her thing and then she always kept us in play pens so she wouldn’t have to watch us all the time and then I was getting all over the place when I learned to crawl out and getting into stuff including kitchen knives where I had accidentally stabbed myself because I was pretending to be one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and there was another time I had walked to the creek and another time I was up on the roof. But my mom will tell another story because she will make it sound like she watched us and took good care of us and she sounds like a better mother than how Dad portrayed her but he said she just zoned the whole world out with her interests and she wouldn’t realize it and Brian had learned to fend for himself because Mum would get mad if she got interrupted and I didn’t really learn because I just kept bothering her because I didn’t like to be alone so that forced her to pay attention to me. I wanted to be held and rubbed and her to play with me and I would have just grabbed at her and clawed and bit to get her attention and I always made sounds and grunting noises to get her attention when I needed things and pound my hand on kitchen cabinets or come and grab her and pull her hand and then hit the fridge for when I was hungry and I would even try and push her to get her to move. I just made it too impossible to be ignored so I always got her attention and what could she have done? Scream at me and lock me in my room? I was not like Brian where he learned early. But my Dad saw it as a form of intelligence and each kid is different so each child will express it differently when they are ignored. I think it depends on their personality so mine just made me do what I did. Mum was ignoring me so I found a way to get her attention than trying to solve my own problem.
I soon heard Steven come home. I stayed in my room with Tristian. He was sleeping on my breast feeding pillow while I was using the computer. I could hear Steven talking and he came up the stairs. Our bedroom door opened and he brought Alex in.
“There is your mother right there, ready to see your new brother?” Steven asked.
Alex walked over to us and I showed him his new brother. But instead he raised his hand and I turned my body and I was hit in the back shoulder.
Steven grabbed him as I got out of the chair holding Tristian close. He woke up and started to cry. At least Alex didn’t hit me too hard but I still felt the pain and I saved my baby.
“Natalia, call your social worker,” said Steven.
I put Tristin in his bassinet and grabbed Alex too and pushed him out of the room with Steven.
I got out my cell phone and went to contacts and dialed Marie’s number. I got her voice mail instead so I left a message saying “Hey Marie I don’t think my son is handling this well, he just hit me when he tried to hit my new baby so I turned and he got me instead, please call me back as soon as possible.” I ended the call and put the phone down.
I picked Tristian up again and held him close. I had to stay away from Alex and keep Tristian away. I will even lock my door if I have to.
Marie didn’t call until evening and she told me she had gotten my message and asked me what had happened. I told her and she said it sounded like we will need more help and she will keep a closer eye on us and see how things go with him.
I felt my nightmare was coming true. When I was sixteen I had a read a story about a twelve-year-old aspie stabbing his infant brother to death and cutting his body into pieces and he was placed in a hospital. It happened here in England. What if Alex was sick? What if he also needed to be hospitalized because he didn’t like having a new brother around. Then in my early twenties that same boy who had stabbed his baby brother and cut his body up was found with child pornography because he was allowed internet and computer in the hospital. He was one sick bastard. Sadly I can’t even remember his name so I can’t even look it up to even read about it again to refresh my memory. Hopefully Alex wouldn’t be like that and that boy may have had more issues than just autism since it’s not a psychopathic condition or even pedophilia. But I have seen a couple articles written both by John Robison and Temple Grandin’s mother about a link between child porn and autism but I still have a hard time buying them doing it because of their autism. Child porn is illegal, you look at child porn, you are one sick person and bad. Aren’t autistic people black and white thinkers so they would only see the good and bad and they are adherence to the rules so why would they even do child porn? I am sure if they only thought it was naked pictures of children, I am sure they would also be disgusted if they actually saw what they were but then again why would someone want to look at naked pictures of children? Are they envying their bodies and wishing they could have that body again because they hate their boobs and woman’s body or penis or man’s body so they wish they could be that child who doesn’t have to deal with any hormones and boobs or big dick or body hair, etc.? Up until my late twenties I thought child porn were just naked pictures of kids and that porn was okay in family photos but put them online, you have possessed in child pornography. Lot of parents take pictures of their kids naked even showing their genitals. But that isn’t even considered porn. But put them online it is and parents will just censor out their boy and girl parts if they post them online or show the ones that don’t show their genitals.
Marie had made some arrangements to get some people who have experience with autism to come to my house to help with Alex and his aggression to help him make adjustments because they try to keep families together as they say so removing him from our home would be their last step. Then she said she would call me back when she finds someone.
I hung up and I felt better but I didn’t want Tristian to ever leave this bedroom and I would have to lock him in here if I have to so Alex wouldn’t get to him.
Chapter 3
That evening I laid in bed with Steven. I told him about the story I remembered I read online about this twelve-year-old aspie who stabbed his brother to death.
“I don’t think Alex would do that,” he said.
“But he tried to hit him,” I pointed out.
“But he didn’t.”
“Yeah because I turned my body so he got me instead.”
“We still have all the knives put away and hidden so don’t you worry.”
“I hope this gets better,” I said.
“I think it will.”
“How do you know? I hope he doesn’t get worse.”
“It’s just a change in his routine so it will take a while for him to adapt. We just have to work with him and try and get involved with him again like you used to and that will help him adapt because right now you are shutting yourself in here and that is a change for him so of course he will blame it on his new brother.”
“But if he wouldn’t be so violent-“
“Natalia, listen to me, has he been violent with you?”
“He chased me with that knife,” I pointed out.
“Yes but we all know it was a joke and not a very good one.”
“But he just tried to hit me so that proves my point.”
“Yes but if you try and get involved again with him like you did before, this might all change and there will be no aggression issues.”
“How can I do that if he will hurt our baby, I can’t have him hurt it. What kind of mother would I be if I endangered his life and denied him a safe environment?”
“I understand. That is why I had you call your social worker. Did you do it?”
“Yes.”
“What did she say?”
“That she will get someone to come here and help me with him,” I said.
“Good. See you have support and have nothing to worry about.”
“Yeah but I am worried about him turning into a Issy.”
“You’re worrying about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Try not to worry until it happens.”
I couldn’t stop talking about this so I went on and on and Steven just listened and comforted me telling me everything will be fine and trying to reassure me.
Then our baby started to cry again in his bassinet.
“Go get him,” said Steven.
I got out of bed and took him out and I smelled poop again.
“Ugh he pooped,” I said.
I turned on the light and I changed him on my bed (cot). I undid his pajamas and pulled them up and I changed his nappy again. It was all runny. I used about two wipes and I put a clean nappy on him and threw the other one away with my dirty nappies. I turned the light off again and picked him up and laid down with Steven again on his bed. I held Tristian in my arms like he was my stuffed animal.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to have him in bed with us,” said Steven.
“I won’t roll on him,” I said.
“I know but I just don’t think it’s safe.”
“Why? He can’t even roll.”
“Natalia, please I am just not comfortable with this so can you please do me a favor and put him in his bassinet.”
I put him back in there and he started to cry. I picked him back up. “He wants me,” I said.
“Try rocking him.”
“But I want to be with you so that is why I am holding him until he goes to sleep.”
Then Alex got out of bed so Steven told me I should go try and take care of him and he will handle Tristian and Alex needed me.
I wasn’t happy. Tristian ruining my time and Alex and now it was all over, the talk and I would have to deal with these thoughts in my mind swarming around.
I left our bedroom and found Alex. He acted a little erratic. I wasn’t sure if he was going to hit me or not. Instead he was crying a little and doing a little shrieking and hitting himself. I grabbed his hands and told him I was here and there is no baby with me. I had to calm him down and I had forgotten about those scary thoughts in my head. I moved him to his room and put him to bed again. Just as long as he wasn’t assaulting me or chasing me with any knives, I wasn’t worried again or scared about him turning into a violent person. I had to be in bed with him to be sure he stayed in it. I didn’t even ask him about the assault. It was too late at night and I didn’t want to talk when I just wanted to lay down. I didn’t want to keep him up either.
I started to poop in my nappy. It was really soft and I felt it come up and my nappy expanding. It felt nice and squishy. I really wanted to rub it and massage it but I couldn’t with him in bed and the fact he was awake. I felt horny. I was too afraid to get out of bed anyway to change. Alex started to get restless again. I held him tight to try and calm him down to relax him. I could also hear Tristian crying. Steven was taking care of him so I wasn’t worried. My boobs were full again so I knew he was hungry. Great, I had to feed my baby and take care of Alex. How was I going to do both? Leaving this room would mean he might get upset because I had to leave him to take care of his new brother which he probably hates because he was an invasion to his routine and now he would have to share his mum.
I started to get anxious. Alex was also not calming down. He was making shrieking sounds and I was so glad when Steven came in. He didn’t have Tristian with him.
“You need help?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said. “I pooped in my nappy and my boobs are full.”
“Go in our room and I will take care of him,” said Steven.
I was very happy. I got out of bed and went back in my room. Tristian was crying in his bassinet. I had to change first. I ignored him and I changed in the bathroom first. Then someone came in my bedroom. I didn’t think it was Alex or else I would have heard my husband. I continued changing and then I put more rash cream in my bottom and wiped my fingers and I put the clean nappy on and threw my messy one away. I put my pajamas back on and went back in my bedroom and there was Christina holding my baby and rocking him and patting his butt.
“I think he’s hungry,” she said. “He is rooting for a nipple.”
“He is, my boobs are telling me,” I said.
Christina handed him to me and I popped out one of my boobs and started to feed him. He started to suck. Christina left my bedroom. I felt a letdown in my right boob. I could feel the milk leaking out and onto the milk pad. I checked and I did see milk leaking out of my nipple. I got on my computer and checked out Reddit. I checked out the Beyond the Bump subreddit. I was no longer in the babybump subreddit because I was no longer pregnant. Tristian nursed and nursed and the boob got soft again. He even fell asleep nursing.
My other boob felt better. I put Tristian down again in his bassinet and covered him up. I put my boob away and went back to my computer. I ignored the milk in my other boob. I didn’t want to express it or pump it or else my body would make more milk and then I would get engorged. I didn’t want that to happen because last time it hurt.
Alex had another hard night tonight and I was hoping everything would get better and Steven made me sleep with Alex to help keep him calm and he would come and get me whenever Tristian was hungry.
The next day I was so tired I just wanted to stay in my cot. Tristian was laying down sleeping beside me.
“Natalia, I want you to get Alex ready for school, he needs you,” said Steven.
“I’m tired,” I said.
“You can rest more when you get back but right now you need to get back into his routine and maybe he will start to like having a new brother around when he sees he didn’t steal you away.”
Steven put the side rail down. He pulled the covers off me. “You need changed?”
My nappy was soaking wet.
“Yes,” I said.
“Do you want me to do it or can you take care of it yourself?”
“I’m too tired to do it,” I said.
I didn’t want to get out of my nice bed and I wished Steven could take care of Alex again while I took care of our new baby. I also had my son’s first appointment today that was supposed to be my prenatal care.
Steven changed my nappy and he lifted my legs in the air again like a baby while he did it and then he put a fresh nappy on me. Then he pulled me up and carried me out of my bed.
“You said you wanted to be an adult and here you are acting like a baby,” he said.
“I’m tired,” I said grumpily.
“Well you still have your other child to take care of. Don’t neglect him just because you had your new one or else how else would he learn to like his new brother if all our baby is doing is changing his whole routine? You don’t want him to try and hurt our son do we? So you must pay more attention to him or else he will keep on having behavior problems and doing some hitting and throwing.”
He put me on his bed and I curled up in a ball.
“Natalia, come on, do I need to treat you like a baby again? You’re acting like one.”
Then Steven left me alone for a sec and I heard him doing something and then he came out of our bathroom. I saw him go in our wardrobe and he took out one of my pairs of trousers and a shirt. He got me dressed.
“I guess you still want to be a baby girl,” he said. “I had to get you dressed like one. Come on honey.”
He pulled me off his bed and made me stand on my feet. I made myself fall on his bed again when he let go.
Steven sighed. “Oh my god Natalia. Grow up right now and be a parent.”
I just stayed on his bed and he scooped me into his arms and carried me to our door and he put me down and opened our bedroom door and led me to Alex’s bedroom. He was still in bed sleeping. He looked so innocent and I could remember when he was just a tiny baby like Tristian. I was missing him being that young. I felt more awake. I walked over to his bed and pulled the covers off him.
“Time to get up for school,” I said.
I got him up the same way as before and then I heard Tristian crying. I decided to ignore him for now since not attending to him this instance wouldn’t hurt him. I will get to him after I give Alex his breakfast. Then I will go up to my room and then attend to him.
I took Alex to the bathroom and had him use the toilet and I helped him wash his hands. I got a clean pull up for him and put them on him. I found it a lot easier to take care of him again because I didn’t have all that pressure down there. I put his clothes on him and I saw Steven carrying Tristian. “I think he’s hungry,” he said.
“Well I’m busy,” I said.
I brought Alex to the kitchen and gave him his Honey Loops. Then I left the kitchen and got Tristian.
“Thank you Natalia and I am sorry I got mad at you,” said Steven.
“When?” I asked.
“When I was getting you up, I got upset with you because you were not waking up.”
“You sure did a poor job expressing it because I didn’t even know you were mad,” I said.
Steven barely ever gets mad and he would raise his voice if he did but he didn’t this time.
I took Tristian to our room and I sat in my chair and nursed him. I got on my computer and looked online again.
Then Steven came in our room and told me, “I need you to start pumping your milk so I can feed him when you are gone.”
“Why?” I asked. “I’m not going anywhere without him.”
“You need to bring Alex to school and I don’t think you would feel comfortable brining Tristian and he might get hungry when you are gone or otherwise we would have to supplement and I don’t think you would want to do that. So I will bring Alex to school but I need you to pump your milk as much as you can.”
“But I don’t want to get engorged,” I said.
“Your body will know how much to make and figure it out so don’t you worry,” said Steven. “Just pump your milk today. And I also changed him so he has a clean nappy.”
Steven left and I was left alone. So was I bringing Alex to school? Steven said he was going to do it and said I needed to pump my milk so I concluded he was going to do it and I didn’t need to do anything except pump milk.
“Natalia, I needed you to get Alex ready for school now,” said Steven again later.
“I thought you were taking him to school?” I asked.
“Yes but I still need you to get him ready, you need to be back in his routine, give me Tristian.”
I took him off my boob and handed him to him. I went back downstairs. I got Alex ready for school, I helped him brush his teeth and rinse out his mouth, I also got his shoes on and I tied them into double knots. At age ten he still can’t tie his shoes. I never even taught him and he wouldn’t be able to do it anyway since his motor skills are poor. Alex then played on his tablet. He played Fruit Ninja.
I went back upstairs to my room.
Steven was still holding our baby.
“Aren’t you going to be with your son?” he asked.
“I always come up here when I’m done,” I said.
“You have Christina take care of him for you?” Steven asked.
“No but she is here and she would come get me if she had a problem,” I said.
“Natalia. Well I guess if you stayed down there it would upset him because it would still be a change in his routine. So you don’t ever work with him?”
“I take him to the bathroom, I give him his food, I put his shoes on and get him dress and give him a bath,” I said.
“I mean working on his skills so he can be more independent. He isn’t going to learn to be more independent if you don’t do anything with him.”
“Well you can’t force it on an autistic child unless you want to get your ass kicked by them because you pushed them to be normal too much,” I said.
“That is why you need to stay off those sites Natalia,” said Steven. “Quit talking to those autistic people online who say they will get violent and beat people up if they are forced to be “normal,” he put the word in air quotes using one hand. “Not everyone one of them is going to get violent from therapy.”
“I know, I just don’t want to overdo it and get aggressive with it or else Alex could get frustrated and act out and be more aggressive and what if that was the reason for Issy’s abuse? What if Kelli had over done it? After all she was so obsessed about “curing” her child from autism because she had read stories about kids “recovering” from it and she would even refuse to do anything for her unless she looked at her and lot of autistic people say that is abuse.” It was my turn to use air quotes when I said the word curing and recovering.
“Oh bullshit, that is why you need to quit reading those sites and quit listening to those people. Yes, some kids don’t want to learn and some don’t have a learning attitude but that doesn’t mean Alex doesn’t want to learn. Now you’re having anxiety about helping him. Maybe I should get a lock for the internet so you can’t access any of those websites.”
“No,” I cried.
“Yes if you don’t stop listening to them.”
I wish he would understand how serious this all is. Does he get how most ASD people feel about therapy and being “fixed”? Does he understand how the reason why they get violent is because of lack of understanding and acceptance from people and I even read on Wrongplanet about that is why school shootings happen by a few of them. But yet if a parent kills their disabled child, none of them will say lack of services did it but yet they will say lack of understanding and tolerance causes school shootings. See the doubt standard? That drives me crazy. It doesn’t even matter if the shooter killed some innocent people.
Daddy soon took Alex to school for me. I had Tristian again in my arms. I admired how he looked. He looked a lot different than Alex because of different fathers. I could see a little bit of me in him, I could see it in his nose and I looked similar from when I was a baby. He then yawned and I looked at his gums and his tiny mouth. I put my finger in it and he put his lips around my finger and sucked. I then got him dressed. I put tiny socks on him too. I put my hands around his chest and I could touch both ends of my fingers around his chest. It was like having a doll but this was a live human so I couldn’t just toss it and put it down and play with it later or carrying it by the head or arm or leg or jump on it.
I was home alone again for a little bit until Daddy came back. He decided he wanted to go to my son’s appointment.
Chapter 4
We arrived at my son’s appointment. Steven got Tristian out of the car. We had him in the back seat behind him.
“Grab the nappy bags,” he said.
I grabbed mine and Tristian’s and he locked the car and we headed to the building. I wore my nappy bag and I carried Tristian’s on my left shoulder.
We checked in when we got inside and then we were seated. Tristian was sleeping. I had to take out the papers that were given to me at the hospital where I was taken care of postpartum where I would have had Tristian if it weren’t for a fast labor. I also took out my Nintendo 3DS and played it. Steven kept looking at our son.
Then my name and my son’s name was called so I closed my game system and got up. Steven got up too and carried the carrier in his right hand. We followed the lady who had called us. I wasn’t weighed or measured, instead I was taken straight to a doctor’s office and told to take a seat. I sat down and Steven sat down besides us.
“How are you today?” she asked.
“Natalia,” said Steven.
“What?” I asked.
He glanced at her.
I looked and she was looking at me. “Oh fine I guess.”
Steven laughed. “She has been doing very well with the new baby and she is taking very good care of him and I think she is doing a very good job but she can’t seem to do both.”
“Both? What do you mean?”
“She has another son and he has autism so she hasn’t been paying much attention to him so I have been doing it for her and she has only been focused on him here,” Steven looked at Tristian. “I had to make her take care of her oldest this morning and I think if she paid more attention to him, things will get better and he will maybe get used to having a new brother and not resent him when he sees he wouldn’t be taking her attention away from him but she is now seeming to have anxiety about her son getting aggressive if she pushes him too much to learn some self-help care and other skills.”
The lady pulled up my chart on the computer and looked at it. “I see,” she said.
I glanced at it and I saw all these labels:
F42 Obsessive Compulsive Disorder 300.3
Compulsion
Convulsion
F50.0 Anorexia Nervosa 307.1
Eating disorder
F41.9 Anxiety disorder 300.00
F84.0 Infantile autism 299.00
F84.5 Asperger’s disorder 299.80
Autism Spectrum Disorder
Depression
Anemia
Social Anxiety
Chemical pregnancy
Childhood traumatic brain injury
Spontaneous natural childbirth
Dual incontinence requiring full time protection nappies
I don’t know why they have all those autism labels and OCD labels and eating disorder labels, are they really necessary if they all mean the same thing? Why not only have one of each instead of all those names? And why do they have labels on there that are no longer relevant such as depression or anorexia or anemia, or my past seizures because of the bad side effects of the pills I was on one time for my anxiety.
She also looked at the other doctor notes. I didn’t get to see everything so I only saw a glimpse of it.
“Likes to explore the city”
“Made minimal eye contact in the office”
“History of depression and childhood head injuries and problems with learning”
“Born and raised in the states and moved to the UK to be with her father and family”
“Prefers people who are “different” like her and doesn’t want any “normal” people.”
“Very talkative but made minimal eye contact.”
It was all in paragraphs but I only caught those sentences.
Then she had up my son’s chart and I saw glimpse of it about his birth.
“Had a spontaneous natural home delivery, mother was taken to the hospital in an ambulance and came very dehydrated….” And I didn’t get to read the rest.
Then the lady started to ask us some questions about our new baby like any health concerns, and then she asked me about my post-partum like have I been feeling depressed, how I feel down there. I told her about my after labor cramps and I said I haven’t gotten engorged yet and I am still bleeding down there.
“That will happen for about a month,” she said. “And the cramps you are feeling is just your uterus shrinking.”
“I feel better than the first time because last time I had to walk like a granny and sit down like one and stand up like one because I was so sore down there but not this time,” I said.
“That’s good,” she said.
“I also feel more energetic and I can feel my tummy because last time I couldn’t even tell I would be starving so I often felt nauseated at the hospital after I had him and I don’t feel lethargic and lazy. It’s hard for me to say which delivery was the best, this one or my other son’s because they both have their own advantages. This labor was stronger and so were the cramps but the last ones weren’t as strong and I felt nothing down there when he came out but this time I did but I felt nothing when I pushed him out but yet this labor went quicker than the last one and it took longer for me to push my son out but this one happened in a few seconds and I tore big time but the last one I only tore a little.”
I noticed I was bouncing my foot and looking at the door knob while I spoke. I forced myself to turn my head towards her and then I was looking at the keyboard and computer while I spoke. The lady was typing on the computer while I was talking.
Then she logged off and left the office.
Steven and I waited for the real doctor. Tristian open his eyes and moved his head and hands.
“Hi,” said Steven. He started to rock his carrier. Steven continued talking to him in a cute voice. Tristian just looked at him and then around. Then we both heard a loud farting sound from him and a gurgling sound.
“Uh oh mama someone needs a new nappy,” said Steven.
He undid the straps and got him out and handed him to me.
“I don’t want him,” I said.
“He needs changed.”
“How come you want me to do it?” I asked.
“Oh fine.”
Steven grabbed the nappy bag and laid him on the table and set the bag on top. He took off his trousers and undid his onesie and started changing him.
A knock came on the door. “Come in,” said Steven.
Dr. Whitell came in. “How is everyone?” he asked.
I didn’t answer this time and let Steven do it.
“I am changing our new baby because Natalia here wouldn’t do it,” said Steven.
“Hey I change him already and you’re the one who had him so I don’t see why I should do it when you could have,” I said.
“Oh it’s one of those things parents always argue about eh when they have a baby,” said Dr. Whitell.
“He did a big mess,” said Steven.
He was wiping his bottom and his penis.
“So how is your new baby doing?” Dr. Whitell asked.
“Good so far,” said Steven.
“I will need to see him when you’re done there.”
“Oh no problem,” said Steven.
“You can just leave his trousers off and his nappy.”
Steven finished cleaning him up and then he threw the nappy and wipes away and Dr. Whitell started looking at our baby. He checked his heart and his breathing and then he checked his penis and balls. He also took his temperature and said everything was good. Then he took out his pen and said “I am going to measure him.”
He grabbed his head and marked above it and then he grabbed his foot and made a mark below it. Then he put his pen away and got out a measuring strip and said, “You can move him.”
Steven picked him up and Dr. Whitell put the strip on the bed and measured the two lines he marks and said “Fifty-one centimeters so he grew just a little bit about this much,” he held up his fingers and made his thumb and finger nearly touching each other.
“Can I put a nappy on now?” Steven asked.
“I am going to bring in a scale to weigh him so hold on,” said Dr. Whitell.
He left the office and Tristian just laid on the table and then Dr. Whitell came back with the scale. He had a underpad on it. He turned it on and told Steven to set our baby on there. While Steven was putting him on it, he started peeing.
“Ugh,” I jumped.
Steven and Dr. Whitell jumped too and pee went all over but it didn’t get me but it got on the floor and table.
“He’s a little squitter,” I joked.
“That happens,” said Dr. Whitell.
Steven set Tristian on the scale where he was lying down. Dr. Whitell weighed him and he was an ounce bigger.
“Okay, you can get him dressed now,” said Dr. Whitell.
Steven took him off and put a clean nappy on him and got him dressed again while Dr. Whitell put the information in the computer.
“You will need to schedule a two week visit with us,” said Dr. Whitell. “Natalia we need to set you up a six-week postpartum appointment.”
He got on the computer again and looked for openings.
“I have an opening for March thirty first for thirteen o clock.”
“I can take that,” I said.
Dr. Whitell put that in and then he checked for openings for my appointment. “I can see you on April twenty-sixth at ten.”
“That will work,” I said.
He put it in and then he logged off and said he now needed to do a check up on me and told me to hop on the table. I didn’t want to sit on the pee so Dr. Whitell got some paper towels and I wiped the table and ripped off the paper part that was wet and Dr. Whitell pulled more down to cover the bed again.
Steven moved the nappy bag and I got on and sat.
Dr. Whitell did his check-up.
“I have never seen a tummy shrink this fast,” he said. “You look good.”
My tummy was free of stretch marks and saggy skin. It didn’t even look like I just had a baby. Dr. Whitell did his other check-ups on me like checking my blood pressure and my breathing and my heart and he put the information in the computer. He said my blood pressure had gone up now that I have had the baby. I was so glad I was no longer anemic and my blood pressure was back to normal. Also no more constipation and no more of those iron pills.
Then he was done and he left and came back with my printed out papers for my next appointment and some information about our appointment today.
“I will see you in a fortnight,” he said.
He left the office and Steven and I were free to go. He carried Tristian out while I carried the nappy bags. I checked out and then we left the building and headed to our car. He put Tristian in the carrier holder and got in on the driver’s side. I got in myself and tossed the nappy bags behind me where Alex sits. We put our seatbelts on and we left the car lot.
“Things are going well,” said Steven.
Then Tristian started to cry.
“Uh oh, I think he is hungry,” said Steven.
He found a place to park and told me to feed him.
I got out of the car and got Tristian out of his carrier and I brought him to the front seat and started to nurse. Steven listened to a rock station. It played mostly his music I didn’t care about. Him and I have a different taste in music. He likes music groups like Aerosmith or Disturbed. I like soft rock, rock, hip hop, House, Eurodance, pop. But we do like some of the same music groups like The Beatles, Rolling Stones, CCR.
Tristian nursed for about ten minutes and then he was done.
“Don’t forget to burp him,” said Steven.
I put him on my shoulder and patted his back and he burped. Then I got out of the car and put him back in his carrier and got back in the front seat again.
We headed home again and I felt my nappy getting filled with poop.
“Oh pee ew Natalia,” said Steven.
“How did you know it was me?” I asked.
“Tristian’s doesn’t smell like yours. I guess you will need changed when we get home.”
My nappy felt nice and squishy. I felt a little more come out and I felt it spread more and going up my nappy. I enjoyed the mess the rest of the way home.
When we got home Steven told me to meet up in our room. He unlocked our door and I went inside and hung up my coat and went upstairs. I set the nappy bags down and waited for Steven. He set Tristian down in his carrier and he got out an under pad and laid it on his bed. “Lay down dear.”
I laid on it and Steven got out the wipes and rash cream and a clean nappy. He took off my shoes and pulled off my trousers. He undid my nappy and he got out some wipes and started to clean me up. Then he held my legs in the air and cleaned me up. He even cleaned around my clitoris and cleaned inside my vagina. He also dug inside my butthole and wiped inside my butt crack. I am not sure how many wipes he used but he finally pulled the dirty nappy away and he had it rolled up. He unfolded the clean nappy and lifted my butt off the bed again and he placed it under me and set my butt down. He then put rash cream on and then put the nappy on.
“How do you like changing both nappies?” I asked.
“It don’t bother me,” he said. “At least I get to fuck and play with you down there.”
He put my trousers back on and laid down beside me and felt my nappy. Then Tristian started to cry again. “I think he’s hungry again and I will make us something to eat, you take care of him,” said Steven.
He got up and left our bedroom. I got Tristian out and nursed him on my other boob. I felt my nappy getting warm again.
Steven soon came back up with my food and he set it on the foot stool for me. It was on a regular plate and he had a regular cup with him and he set it on the table beside me. He looked at Tristian again and left. I continued with my computer while Tristian ate and then I ate my food and had my water.
Steven came up again soon and got my plate. Tristian was sleeping on my boob. I look on Facebook and read posts there including the ones from an incontinent support group I am in that is closed to the public that requires a request to join. The admins there do a good job weeding out AB/DL posts.
Steven got Alex from school and I just stayed home with Tristian and using my computer and listening to music on youtube. Then the phone started ringing. I put Tristian down on the chair and answered the phone. “Hello?”
“Natalie, this is Marie calling, I have asked around and starting tomorrow we will have someone come there and check things out with you and Alex and help you out. Her name will be Leanne Barrant and will you be around tomorrow?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Good, what time would work for you?”
“Any time,” I said.
“Okay, would eleven o clock work for you?”
“Sure,” I said.
“Okay I will have her be there by eleven sharp and she will be there all day until seventeen o clock and Natalie, this will get better I promise you.”
How would she know it would get better? I won’t believe her until I see it happening.
Marie got off the phone and I put the phone back and sat back down. I was hoping things would get better.
Chapter 5
Steven made me take care of Alex again and he got upset and started screaming when he saw Tristian and tried to hit him again. I blocked his view and he hit me again. For some reason I didn’t care that I was being hit. At least I was keeping Tristian safe from the blows. Steven just kept him upstairs with him while I stayed downstairs with my computer. Whenever Tristian got hungry, Steven would call me upstairs and I would leave and go up and Steven would hand the baby to me and he would go downstairs to be with Alex so Gailand wouldn’t have to take care of him and then Christina. I nursed Tristian again and I had to change his diaper again because it was messy again. Then he was done eating and I left him in his bassinet and went back downstairs where my computer is.
“Done?” Steven asked.
“Yes,” I said.
Steven went back upstairs and I watched Alexis playing Super Mario Maker. I had a lot of stars for that game because Alex had taken over and created some beautiful courses. I had thought about doing a level and make it all sensory overload and call it A Very Autistic Mario and I would make the screen go crooked and do a bunch of sound affects just to be real annoying and do enemy spam but I got told online it sounded like something a troll would do. I told Steven that idea and he said it didn’t sound very nice and it comes off as me making a mockery out of autistic people. Even Christina didn’t like it or even my Dad. I asked Alex what he thought of it and he said it sounded stupid. I asked him why and he said all of it sounded stupid because of putting in a bunch of enemies and lot of sound, just dumb and he hates those levels and always skips them. I would mind as well call it A Very Stupid Mario Level, Alex’s suggestion for my level idea. I guess I was out voted so I didn’t do the level and I abandoned the idea. I wouldn’t want to piss off a bunch of Mario fans and then get reported for “bullying” and then get in trouble with Nintendo and possibly not be able to play online anymore so that would mean no more creating levels or playing levels made by other people around the world all because people would miss the point of my level.
Christina made dinner and fed it to all of us, I had to make Alex his food and Steven stayed upstairs with Tristian and I had to keep going up there to feed him. I wondered who was going to take care of him when Steven goes back to work after his paternity leave. Hopefully I would be getting help from my social worker. My boobs had gotten hard for the past few hours and now they were hurting and they had grown big. Great, I was hoping I wouldn’t get engorged but it had happened. Last time I had freaked out because I woke up with Dolly Parton boobs and they were hard as a rock and hurt when I bumped them. Even Alex couldn’t latch on so my nipples got all chapped and cracked due to him not being on right and it wouldn’t even bother trying to latch him on correctly because it would take me about ten minutes to get him to latch on and I didn’t want to do it all over again. I was not going to pump my milk until this all ended because I didn’t want to make this worse.
“Give this to your husband,” said Christina.
She had made a plate for him and I took it and brought it upstairs to our room.
“Thank you honey,” he said.
He took the plate and I went back downstairs. I ate my food and put the plate in the sink. Steven soon came down with his plate but he didn’t have our son with him. “Tristian’s hungry,” he told me.
I got up and went upstairs. I saw him lying on Steven’s bed. He wasn’t even crying. I picked him up and he turned his head to my chest and was opening his mouth. I sat down in my chair and started to nurse him again. It hurt a little but I was hoping the nursing would help. I saw how big my boobs looked. I couldn’t help but feel the other one and it was very hard and it hurt. I probably had F cups now.
Tristian sucked on my hard boobie and then I had to move him to the other one. I squeezed the one he was just on and some milk came out but it didn’t squirt.
When he got done nursing I took him off and set him down and went downstairs back to my computer. Steven went back upstairs again.
That evening I had to get Alex ready for bed. I gave him a bath and Alex got upset when his bath time was interrupted by Tristian crying and Steven getting me. Alex started to shriek and then he was splashing water all over the place and getting me all wet. I yelled at him to stop because I hated getting wet and I felt very tense and overwhelmed. Then my hands reached out and grabbed his neck.
“Natalia!” Steven shouted.
He grabbed us and told me to let go of him. I let go.
“Go get changed and take care of Tristian while I do this,” said Steven.
I left the bathroom and I took off my clothes. Tristian was still crying. I had to ignore him until I got my pajamas on. I also needed a clean nappy and I wanted to take my shower. I picked Tristian up first and nursed him again. I ignored what was going on in the bathroom.
When Tristian got done nursing, I set him down in his bassinet. He started to cry again but I needed to change and shower. I went in the bathroom and I got undressed and took off my wet nappy. I turned the shower on and waited for it to warm up and got in. I had to do this quick as possible. No pulling hair out of my skin or standing under the nozzle. I shaved first and then I washed my hair. After I was done I got out and realized I had forgotten my clean nappy. I stuck a towel under me and held it around my bottom while I fetched a clean nappy. I grabbed the rash cream and wipes and a nappy and went back to the bathroom. I couldn’t hold the towel in place and carry my nappy supplies at the same time. I went in the bathroom and wiped myself clean again from the blood and I sat on the toilet and put rash cream on. Then I wiped my fingers and put the nappy on. I got my pajamas back on and put the towel in the hamper. Tristian was now sleeping. I checked on him and he was still alive. I left him be and went back downstairs. I got my computer and brought it back up. Steven was still taking care of Alex in the bathroom. I got on my computer and looked on the forums.
Soon Steven came in my room again.
“Get your son to bed,” he said. “Is Tristian sleeping again?”
“Yes,” I said.
“You ripped open Alex’s skin when you choked him so there was a little bit of blood.”
I was speechless.
“You need to control yourself better,” said Steven. “Or they will take both our kids away and my son might not be allowed to come here anymore.”
“It was an accident,” I said. “He was getting me all overwhelmed so that happened.”
“If it gets too much, just come get me.”
“And what if you’re not here?” I asked.
“Then you get Christina and you are going to be getting help.”
Steven looked at Tristian in his bassinet. He rubbed him for second. Then he covered him with a baby blanket. I went in Alex’s bedroom. I got a clean pull up on him and got his pajamas on. He walked around in circles and flapped his hands. “Alex, it’s time to brush your teeth,” I said.
I looked at his neck and saw the scratch marks and red spots. Hopefully the teachers will just assume he did that to himself and not ask me about it or ask him about it and I hoped he wouldn’t tell anyone. I had to think of a story to tell about how he got those marks. Alex got rough with me so I grabbed him in self-defense and that happened. That would be a good story to tell. It would just mean Alex is getting too big for me to handle.
I brought Alex to the bathroom and he got distracted by his own self stimulation for a bit. I got his toothbrush wet and put his toothpaste on it and brushed his teeth. After I was done, I helped him rinse his mouth out. My breasts hurt even more from the milk.
I brought Alex back to his room and helped him in bed but he got out again and grabbed a book and took it to bed with him.
“No Alex it’s night night,” I said.
I was about to take it from him but he pulled it away and shrieked.
“Well you can keep it with you but I am turning off the light,” I said.
Alex shrieked again and I turned it off and he shrieked more and tossed the book at me. He missed luckily and he got the wall instead.
I went back to our bedroom.
Alex kept screaming.
“What’s wrong with him?” Steven asked.
“I don’t know, he wanted to look at a book and I told him it was bed time so I turned off the light and he tossed the book at me,” I replied.
Steven left out bedroom. Then he came back and told me Alex only wanted me to read to him and to just read him the story.
I groaned.
“Just do it, you both need to spend time together,” said Steven,
I went back in Alex’s bedroom and the lamp was on in his room and he had his book with him. He was looking through the pages. I sat down on his bed. “Okay, let me read this to you,” I took the book from him.
I went to the beginning and started to read.
I heard Tristian crying again but I let Steven handle it. Alex was covering his ears. Was the crying really that loud or did he just not want to hear the baby?
“Alex, is the baby hurting your ears?” I asked.
He didn’t answer so I got his tablet and went to the app and told him to just answer yes or no, is the baby hurting his ears.
He tapped yes.
“Yes,” said the program.
“I can give you noise cancelling headphones.”
Alex grabbed the tablet and typed madly on it as he rocked and flapped his hand. Then the machine said “This is retarded, I shouldn’t have to wear ear phones in my own room and not being able to listen to my story.”
I was shocked at the word. “Where did you hear the word retarded as a slang? Who taught you it?”
“Myself.”
“But how, someone must have used it at school or how else would you know? No one uses it in this home.”
“Retarded is just an expression.”
“But do you know what it really means?” I asked.
“It’s just an expression.”
“Yes but that word used to mean people who have low IQ’s who have an IQ of seventy or below and people will also use that word to be insulting and lot of people are offended by the word retarded. My sister used it a lot and so did kids in my school.”
“But I mean I shouldn’t have to wear headphones in my own house and not hear my own story, stupid baby.”
“It will pass,” I said. “It’s only temporary. Besides he is probably hungry so if I fed him, he would stop crying but then you might get upset if I get up and leave this room.”
“I hate your new baby. Why did you have to go and have it?”
“It was unplanned.”
“Why did you keep it instead of giving it away?”
“Because your stepfather and I wanted this baby and if you don’t start being nice to it and if you keep trying to hurt it, child protection services may come and take you and you wouldn’t live with us anymore, you would be in some home for kids with severe disabilities or be in a hospital for kids with severe behavior issues,” I warned.
Alex tossed his tablet across the room.
“Alex,” I shouted.
He tossed his book too and then he was grabbing me and I was grabbing him back. “Let go of me right now!” I shouted.
I kept shouting at him and fighting back and Christina and Steven rushed in the bedroom.
“Whoa whoa whoa,” said Steven pulling us apart.
“Okay, I guess I shouldn’t have you try and take care of him then,” he told me.
“Oh no,” said Christina picking up Alex’s tablet.
I saw the screen was shattered. It was all cracked and you couldn’t even see the screen. It was all in funny colors. Alex now didn’t have a voice anymore.
Steven had a hold of Alex and he told me to just go back to my room. I headed back in there and fed Tristian again. I couldn’t wait until tomorrow. I also felt upset about his device he had busted. How was he going to communicate now? My life was going to be harder again. I also realized Alex would have no way of telling anyone how he got those scratches on his neck unless they give him some other device to use at school.
Chapter 1
Cute tiny face, cute ears, cute nose, cute eyes, cute mouth, everything about Tristian was cute. That was the name we had picked because Daddy wouldn’t tell me what other names he liked. He was too hung up on this one and wouldn’t tell me what other names he liked so Tristian it was.
We were finally going to go home today after being here for two days. I had arrived here on Saturday night with Tristian and we spent the whole day in the hospital yesterday and now we were going home today. I will go home and keep Tristian very close to me and not leave him out of my sight.
One of the nurses came in again and gave me another pain relief pill and she checked my tummy. She checked where my uterus was now. She checked my son again for jaundice and handed him back to me. Then she took my breakfast tray and left.
I still had cramps happening in my upper legs and I channel surfed waiting for Daddy to get back. He had to run home to get the car seat. My Dad had come by to pick him up and they were going to run home together and get it. I got dressed and got things packed up ready to go. I put all the baby nappies in the plastic bag, I got Tristian in his new welcome home outfit. I put tiny socks on his feet, no shoes. I put a hat on his head that came with the outfit. The things I left behind were the postpartum pads and the disposable knickers but I had packed the Kleenex. I did a double check of the room to make sure I hadn’t forgotten to pack anything.
I sat back on the bed and kept holding Tristian. I nursed him again. At least my boobs haven’t gotten engorged and I hoped they wouldn’t get that way.
Dad and Daddy came back with the baby carrier. A different nurse came in and started to empty out the rubbish and she handed me the postpartum pads and the knickers but I told her I didn’t need them and she said “You should take them. I am going to throw them away.”
“But I don’t need them,” I said again.
“She doesn’t use them,” said Daddy.
The lady just tossed them in the bag and then she went in the bathroom and came back out with the water bottle thing that sprays on you down there. “You’re going to need this to clean yourself down there with,” she said.
Daddy took it from her.
“I want to take a picture of you three,” said Dad.
He took out his mobile phone and Daddy and I stood together with Tristian in my arms and we smiled and Dad took the picture. He looked at it and then put it away. Daddy walked away so I knew that was the cue Dad was done.
Daddy started to work on the infant carrier, the same nurse who had given me my medicine was in here helping us with it to be sure we had it tight enough. Daddy and Dad had to readjust the straps to make it fit Tristian. Then I put Tristian in it and strapped him in and we had to make the straps tighter. It was all a pain because it was taking too long. Another male nurse came in and said “we have a wheelchair out here ready for the mum.”
We soon left and I sat in the wheelchair holding Tristian all bundled up in his new blanket that was given to us as a gift while Daddy was holding the baby carrier. Dad left ahead of us to get the car so he could get the car and meet us at the entrance. One of the nurses was pushing me to the entrance. I looked at Tristian face and rubbed it and I also stroked his head and felt his soft spot.
When we got down there we waited and Dad pulled in with his car and the nurse pushed me to it and Dad got out of the car and opened the back door and Daddy put the infant carrier inside. I got out of the wheelchair and I put Tristian in the carrier and Daddy strapped him in. I put my bag and nappies in the boot. Then I got in the back seat and sat next to Tristian. The nurse went back inside with the wheelchair. Dad drove and Daddy sat in front of me. I looked at Tristian on the way home. I felt so happy to have my whole body back but the only thing I had were cramps but I could deal with because they were mild compared to what I had to go through during labor and before labor. The cramps I were having off and on right now felt like the ones I would have when I would have Braxton Hicks before the baby dropped.
Home sweet home, Dad pulled in front of our house blocking our drive way. I unbuckled the carrier and took it out of the car. Daddy got my stuff out of the boot. We went inside and no one was home because the kids were in school and Christina was at work.
“I am going to head out now,” said Dad. “Oh he is so cute,” he looked at Tristian and rubbed his finger on his face and touched his nose. He was sleeping. He had slept the whole time.
Dad left and it was just Daddy and me alone. I left our son in his carrier. I took out my computer and plugged it in and turned it on. I went back to the forums and read posts there. I kept looking at Tristian while he slept and I couldn’t stop looking at him while I used my computer. His head faced sideways and his eyes were closed and he was all covered up with the blanket.
He soon woke up and I got him out of his carrier and nursed him again. He still had his eyes closed. I did my computer while he nursed. Then Daddy brought me the nursing pillow and placed it under Tristian. He rested on the pillow.
When it came time to get Alex from school, Daddy volunteered to go and told me to just stay here with the baby. He left and I rested with the computer. I moved the computer upstairs to be out of Alex’s way when he gets home. I didn’t want him to get too upset with the new baby and I wanted to keep him safe. I plugged the computer back in again and opened my laptop back up and picked Tristian up. He stopped crying. His cries were quiet and not very loud. I held him up in the air and looked at him. I studied his eyes and they were averted and he wasn’t looking at me. Then I brought him to my chest and held him in my arms.
I heard Daddy come home soon with Alex. I heard him talking to him and calling my name. “Up here,” I called.
Daddy came up the stairs. I also heard Alex. I held my son close. “You want to see your baby brother? Mum has him,” said Daddy.
“No!” Alex shrieked with his mouth.
Daddy talked more and Alex shrieked again “No! No!”
“Just leave him be,” I shouted.
Daddy left him alone and I kept hearing Alex making funny shrieking sounds.
I decided I should stay hidden in our room for the rest of the day.
I was so glad I was no longer pregnant because I didn’t feel uncomfortable when I stood up and walked and I didn’t feel so lazy. I would rather deal with the cramping from the uterus shrinking than dealing with the pain I was in before when I went into labor. The pain I was feeling now felt like the pain I felt when I was having Braxton Hicks contractions but this time I didn’t have all this weight in my belly and there was nothing pushing down there.
Daddy took care of Alex for me while I just stayed in our room with our newborn son. He even put Alex to bed for me and I could hear Alex making noise while Daddy was getting him ready for bed.
“Your mum has been with the new baby all day,” Daddy said.
I wondered what Alex said or how he was acting to make Daddy say that. I put Tristian in the bassinet and I took off all my clothes. I got a clean nappy and took the rash cream and brought them to the bathroom with me. I took my nappy off and it was all bloody and at least Daddy had finally taken out the used nappies or someone did. I threw the nappy away and got in the shower and turned the water on. It warmed up and I turned on the shower head. I shaved my arm pits and pussy and legs and then I washed my hair. It felt so good to see my pussy again and see the spots I had missed. I used the tweezers and plucked some hair out. I turned the water off when I was done and I grabbed a towel and dried off and I opened the clean nappy and sat on the toilet and put rash cream on to avoid a bloody mess and any accidents. I wiped my hands and I grabbed the nappy and stood up and placed it under me and put it on. I flushed the toilet and I got my pajamas on. Tristian was still sleeping. I looked at him and I saw him moving his lips. I loved the sucking sounds he made. Alex did that too. Tristian stayed on is back because he couldn’t even roll to the side yet or even roll over. I got on my computer again.
Night time was interesting because Alex kept getting up in the middle of the night and Daddy always took care of it while I took care of Tristian. He also woke up too to be fed so I kept him in the cot with me and slept like he was my doll. I co slept with Tristian and all that anti co sleeping stuff is crap. It’s just dangerous to do it when you are on drugs or intoxicated or if you are not the mother because mums are more in tuned with their baby so they wouldn’t roll on top of them. Our brains know our baby is there so we wouldn’t roll on them. I have done some research on co sleeping and studies have shown it reduces the risks of SIDS. Also it just makes it easier for me because I wouldn’t have to get out of my cot to get the baby and to breast feed. I can just pop my boob out here and feed. I don’t even have to get up to make a bottle. Daddy teased me about playing with my doll and I took it seriously because he told me he was just joking but said he is serious because he is role playing. I don’t understand how people can be half joking and half serious. Either you are joking or you’re not. I told him that and he said “never mind” and said he just thinks I look so cute and he imagines me playing with my new doll. I was in no mood for role play so I just ignored it.
“How do you like your new doll?” he asked.
“I’m in no mood,” I said.
“No mood for what?”
“Daddy and little girl stuff,” I said.
“But you are still in this,” he touched my cot.
“It’s my only bed, where else am I going to sleep? On the floor or on the couch?” I asked. “or in the chair over there?” I glanced at it.
Daddy didn’t answer.
If you are in no mood for Daddy and little girl, then why are you still calling him your Daddy instead of by his name, you ask.
Because it’s what I call him and he is my Daddy, says Natalie to you.
But you said you were not playing, so shouldn’t you be calling him Steven? You ask again.
Natalie sees your point.
I held Tristian in my arms while nursing him. I fell back asleep with my boob in his mouth.
Chapter 2
I woke up in the morning with Steven getting ready to change me. Tristian was still in my arm. My boob was out of his mouth. I was shivering while Steven was putting a changing pad under me. Then he pulled my pajamas down and took them off. He undid my nappy and he got a wipe and started to clean me up.
He took the wet nappy away and grabbed the unfolded clean nappy and put it under my bum. He set my bum on it and he rubbed the rash cream on and then he wiped his fingers on the nappy and put it on me. He put my pajamas back on and covered us again. He gave me a kiss and said “I love you both.”
Then he gave Tristian a kiss on his head and slid the rail up and he washed his hands in the bathroom and left our room.
I put Tristian at the end of the cot and hugged my own arms. Finally, I had myself again. I rested again and tried to go back to sleep.
I could hear Alex again and Steven was taking care of him for me. I guess he was helping me out. I stayed in our bedroom. I had to stay out of Alex’s sight again. He can always come in here when he is ready to see his new brother. I looked at Tristian again to be sure he was breathing. I saw his chest moving so I knew he was alive. I felt my belly and it felt so good to have my whole body back and have a small tummy again. I checked it for stretch marks and there were none. No granny skin either. I pulled on it and it still looked normal, no stretchy skin. My baby didn’t ruin my body. I wonder if I will be lucky again if I have another baby? Neah, I was fine with this one. I don’t need to have more children. I think I will just get myself fixed so I won’t have another accident.
Steven soon took Alex to school after a long morning with him. I couldn’t even get back to sleep so I climbed out of my cot and got on my computer. I was hungry but I always do computer first. I looked on Reddit and look at the posts on the front page. I felt bored because I felt I didn’t have an interest anymore. Nothing was interesting me on here so I looked on other forums I go to and still felt bored on them. I didn’t feel like playing Sonic Dash and hadn’t played it in a while, I didn’t feel like blogging or doing any writing. I didn’t feel like playing my Nintendo 3DS or doing any other reading. I felt so empty inside. I closed my computer and went downstairs. Everyone was gone so it was just me home alone with the Tristian. I saw the house needed to be cleaned. I had breakfast first and then I heard Tristian crying. I didn’t get him right away because I had to finish eating. Then I put the bowl in the sink and went back upstairs. I climbed in my cot and got Tristian out. I could smell his poopy nappy so I had to change it. It was that sweet smell and I liked the smell of it. I changed him on Steven’s bed. I wiped the runny poop off Tristian’s butt and penis and put a clean nappy on him. Then I picked out an outfit for him to wear. He had to wear all his clothes now before he outgrew them. They grow very fast. Back when I had Alex, I was given so much baby clothes he didn’t get to wear all of them and lot of them he only got to wear a few times and then he outgrew them all. I could even go a whole month without any laundry because that was how many baby clothes I had. I didn’t get that many again with my new one or even get as many free clothes. I had requested to not be given a lot because of what happened last time so I knew I wouldn’t need that many clothes.
I got him in a nice newborn outfit and put socks on his feet. I threw the nappy away and picked him off the bed and held him in the air. He had averted eyes again. I brought him down to my arms and held him there. I was going to do some chores but he started to cry again. I liked the sound of his crying but it would be too cruel to let him cry just so I would listen to the sound of it. I put him to my boob to shut him up and he took the nipple and started to nurse. I couldn’t clean like this so I just got back on the computer to pass time. He made swallowing sounds, they sounded like little squirts. I could also hear the suckling and feel the letdown in my other boob and hear the milk leaving my boob that was being sucked on. I looked at his face and could see his cheeks moving from him doing all the sucking and swallowing. I enjoyed feeling my boob getting emptied. It felt so good to get rid of all that milk. I felt like a cow again and these were my utters.
Then Steven came home and he came upstairs. He looked at our new son and then he said “Are you enjoying your new doll?”
I didn’t answer. For some reason I found this role playing boring. It didn’t phase me.
“Are you okay?” Steven asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “Why?”
“You didn’t answer. How do you like your new doll.”
I sighed. “Please?”
“You’re not in the mood again?”
“No,” I said. “I’m just your wife.”
“Does that mean you want me to take your bed down and replace it with your regular bed?” Steven asked.
“I don’t know it feels nice in there.”
“But only babies sleep in it, not adults.”
“Well I do.”
“Does that mean you also don’t want me changing your nappies?”
“No, you can still change me so I wouldn’t have to do it,” I said.
“At least I still have my baby girl.”
“Hey you want to empty this one out for me, it has a lot of milk in it,” I pointed to my right boob.
“No I want to save it for Tristian.”
“It will make more.”
“But I want him to get enough food so he won’t starve.”
“My body will make enough for the baby so you can have some too and my body will make even more and that will be more calories for me to burn.”
“I know but I still want to make sure he gets enough.”
Steven looked at our son again and then headed downstairs. I took Tristian off my boob and switched him over to my other boob to bring the milk down.
All day long I held Tristian and stayed in my room and Steven gave me something to eat and it was on a regular plate this time and I was given a regular cup instead of a kid’s cup. “I wasn’t sure if you would want it on a regular plate so I did it since you didn’t want me calling you my baby girl earlier and asking you about your doll. Enjoy your food.”
He left again and I started to eat. I had Tristian in his bouncer. He was wide awake and he was just lying there looking around. I nursed him more and I changed my nappy when it needed to be changed. Steven soon had to get Alex again.
I moved my finger around on Tristian’s face and felt his tiny hands and fingers. I remembered when Alex was this small. When I first had him, it felt like I was dreaming and this couldn’t be real when I was holding him on my chest. I was single, on my own, living with my dad again and with my little brother and sister and Alex slept in my room. His dad was out of the picture because he was a jerk and he didn’t want a baby so I never stuck his name on the birth certificate and there is no record of him as the father. I never went after child support either and instead relied on WIC and healthcare for him and I was getting Social Security Benefits and I found babies were not that really expensive and I still had time to do video games and computer because what are you supposed to do with a baby, stare at them like they are in the zoo? Newborns don’t do anything except you stare at them because they are so cute and your own so it’s different and not boring to do. Then when they get bigger, you just let them crawl around and leave stuff out of reach and give them toys to play with and keep them in the same room as you. But my dad hated when I would be playing video games or be on the computer and my son would be staring at the screen or just be in my arms and I am just looking at the screen so I guess he wanted me to stare at my child like he is in the zoo. I would have him in the bouncer and I would be playing video games again or just have him in the baby swing just so I can do my thing and I also enjoyed showing him off whenever I went for walks. I would just push him in his stroller while I went for a walk or just carried him on my chest. I was so happy then being a new mum and showing everyone how I had birthed a child and now I was a mum. Then less than a year later, I was offered an apartment by Aunt Elizabeth and her husband so up to Seattle I went with Alex. I did want a place of my own but couldn’t afford it so they offered it to me less and Dad helped me move up there. I was excited and nervous because I was going to be away from both my parents long distance. I wanted to be independent and I was tired of Dad telling me how to raise my son and nagging me because he thought I should stare at him like he is in a cage and telling me to get him checked out because he was worried about him not babbling and because he was ignoring everyone and not responding to sounds, and because he would cry to be put down. To me he was just perfect and I wasn’t worried. It was Aunt Elizabeth who got on my case about him and telling me her concerns and I didn’t take notice until he started to have tantrums and get aggressive and at age two he was diagnosed as having an autistic disorder. He missed lot of his milestones; he didn’t wave bye bye or point or tell me what he needed, he didn’t give me anything or show off, he was uninterested and only wanted to play with his own toys and he never did pretend stuff and he was only interested in moving them and lining them up and he made sounds with his mouth and he walked late and crawled late and sat up late and never spoke a word except shrieking and they said he was pretty severe. I couldn’t even take him out in public either without him screaming and trying to get away. He wore real nappies until the age of eight and now he wears pull ups. He still needs help going to the toilet with assistance and needing to be followed through the steps. One thing I don’t understand about autism is how they can be average intelligent or above and still have a hard time with self-help care skills. Dad told me I was just like my mother, always having Brian on her while she would still be doing her thing and then she always kept us in play pens so she wouldn’t have to watch us all the time and then I was getting all over the place when I learned to crawl out and getting into stuff including kitchen knives where I had accidentally stabbed myself because I was pretending to be one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and there was another time I had walked to the creek and another time I was up on the roof. But my mom will tell another story because she will make it sound like she watched us and took good care of us and she sounds like a better mother than how Dad portrayed her but he said she just zoned the whole world out with her interests and she wouldn’t realize it and Brian had learned to fend for himself because Mum would get mad if she got interrupted and I didn’t really learn because I just kept bothering her because I didn’t like to be alone so that forced her to pay attention to me. I wanted to be held and rubbed and her to play with me and I would have just grabbed at her and clawed and bit to get her attention and I always made sounds and grunting noises to get her attention when I needed things and pound my hand on kitchen cabinets or come and grab her and pull her hand and then hit the fridge for when I was hungry and I would even try and push her to get her to move. I just made it too impossible to be ignored so I always got her attention and what could she have done? Scream at me and lock me in my room? I was not like Brian where he learned early. But my Dad saw it as a form of intelligence and each kid is different so each child will express it differently when they are ignored. I think it depends on their personality so mine just made me do what I did. Mum was ignoring me so I found a way to get her attention than trying to solve my own problem.
I soon heard Steven come home. I stayed in my room with Tristian. He was sleeping on my breast feeding pillow while I was using the computer. I could hear Steven talking and he came up the stairs. Our bedroom door opened and he brought Alex in.
“There is your mother right there, ready to see your new brother?” Steven asked.
Alex walked over to us and I showed him his new brother. But instead he raised his hand and I turned my body and I was hit in the back shoulder.
Steven grabbed him as I got out of the chair holding Tristian close. He woke up and started to cry. At least Alex didn’t hit me too hard but I still felt the pain and I saved my baby.
“Natalia, call your social worker,” said Steven.
I put Tristin in his bassinet and grabbed Alex too and pushed him out of the room with Steven.
I got out my cell phone and went to contacts and dialed Marie’s number. I got her voice mail instead so I left a message saying “Hey Marie I don’t think my son is handling this well, he just hit me when he tried to hit my new baby so I turned and he got me instead, please call me back as soon as possible.” I ended the call and put the phone down.
I picked Tristian up again and held him close. I had to stay away from Alex and keep Tristian away. I will even lock my door if I have to.
Marie didn’t call until evening and she told me she had gotten my message and asked me what had happened. I told her and she said it sounded like we will need more help and she will keep a closer eye on us and see how things go with him.
I felt my nightmare was coming true. When I was sixteen I had a read a story about a twelve-year-old aspie stabbing his infant brother to death and cutting his body into pieces and he was placed in a hospital. It happened here in England. What if Alex was sick? What if he also needed to be hospitalized because he didn’t like having a new brother around. Then in my early twenties that same boy who had stabbed his baby brother and cut his body up was found with child pornography because he was allowed internet and computer in the hospital. He was one sick bastard. Sadly I can’t even remember his name so I can’t even look it up to even read about it again to refresh my memory. Hopefully Alex wouldn’t be like that and that boy may have had more issues than just autism since it’s not a psychopathic condition or even pedophilia. But I have seen a couple articles written both by John Robison and Temple Grandin’s mother about a link between child porn and autism but I still have a hard time buying them doing it because of their autism. Child porn is illegal, you look at child porn, you are one sick person and bad. Aren’t autistic people black and white thinkers so they would only see the good and bad and they are adherence to the rules so why would they even do child porn? I am sure if they only thought it was naked pictures of children, I am sure they would also be disgusted if they actually saw what they were but then again why would someone want to look at naked pictures of children? Are they envying their bodies and wishing they could have that body again because they hate their boobs and woman’s body or penis or man’s body so they wish they could be that child who doesn’t have to deal with any hormones and boobs or big dick or body hair, etc.? Up until my late twenties I thought child porn were just naked pictures of kids and that porn was okay in family photos but put them online, you have possessed in child pornography. Lot of parents take pictures of their kids naked even showing their genitals. But that isn’t even considered porn. But put them online it is and parents will just censor out their boy and girl parts if they post them online or show the ones that don’t show their genitals.
Marie had made some arrangements to get some people who have experience with autism to come to my house to help with Alex and his aggression to help him make adjustments because they try to keep families together as they say so removing him from our home would be their last step. Then she said she would call me back when she finds someone.
I hung up and I felt better but I didn’t want Tristian to ever leave this bedroom and I would have to lock him in here if I have to so Alex wouldn’t get to him.
Chapter 3
That evening I laid in bed with Steven. I told him about the story I remembered I read online about this twelve-year-old aspie who stabbed his brother to death.
“I don’t think Alex would do that,” he said.
“But he tried to hit him,” I pointed out.
“But he didn’t.”
“Yeah because I turned my body so he got me instead.”
“We still have all the knives put away and hidden so don’t you worry.”
“I hope this gets better,” I said.
“I think it will.”
“How do you know? I hope he doesn’t get worse.”
“It’s just a change in his routine so it will take a while for him to adapt. We just have to work with him and try and get involved with him again like you used to and that will help him adapt because right now you are shutting yourself in here and that is a change for him so of course he will blame it on his new brother.”
“But if he wouldn’t be so violent-“
“Natalia, listen to me, has he been violent with you?”
“He chased me with that knife,” I pointed out.
“Yes but we all know it was a joke and not a very good one.”
“But he just tried to hit me so that proves my point.”
“Yes but if you try and get involved again with him like you did before, this might all change and there will be no aggression issues.”
“How can I do that if he will hurt our baby, I can’t have him hurt it. What kind of mother would I be if I endangered his life and denied him a safe environment?”
“I understand. That is why I had you call your social worker. Did you do it?”
“Yes.”
“What did she say?”
“That she will get someone to come here and help me with him,” I said.
“Good. See you have support and have nothing to worry about.”
“Yeah but I am worried about him turning into a Issy.”
“You’re worrying about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Try not to worry until it happens.”
I couldn’t stop talking about this so I went on and on and Steven just listened and comforted me telling me everything will be fine and trying to reassure me.
Then our baby started to cry again in his bassinet.
“Go get him,” said Steven.
I got out of bed and took him out and I smelled poop again.
“Ugh he pooped,” I said.
I turned on the light and I changed him on my bed (cot). I undid his pajamas and pulled them up and I changed his nappy again. It was all runny. I used about two wipes and I put a clean nappy on him and threw the other one away with my dirty nappies. I turned the light off again and picked him up and laid down with Steven again on his bed. I held Tristian in my arms like he was my stuffed animal.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to have him in bed with us,” said Steven.
“I won’t roll on him,” I said.
“I know but I just don’t think it’s safe.”
“Why? He can’t even roll.”
“Natalia, please I am just not comfortable with this so can you please do me a favor and put him in his bassinet.”
I put him back in there and he started to cry. I picked him back up. “He wants me,” I said.
“Try rocking him.”
“But I want to be with you so that is why I am holding him until he goes to sleep.”
Then Alex got out of bed so Steven told me I should go try and take care of him and he will handle Tristian and Alex needed me.
I wasn’t happy. Tristian ruining my time and Alex and now it was all over, the talk and I would have to deal with these thoughts in my mind swarming around.
I left our bedroom and found Alex. He acted a little erratic. I wasn’t sure if he was going to hit me or not. Instead he was crying a little and doing a little shrieking and hitting himself. I grabbed his hands and told him I was here and there is no baby with me. I had to calm him down and I had forgotten about those scary thoughts in my head. I moved him to his room and put him to bed again. Just as long as he wasn’t assaulting me or chasing me with any knives, I wasn’t worried again or scared about him turning into a violent person. I had to be in bed with him to be sure he stayed in it. I didn’t even ask him about the assault. It was too late at night and I didn’t want to talk when I just wanted to lay down. I didn’t want to keep him up either.
I started to poop in my nappy. It was really soft and I felt it come up and my nappy expanding. It felt nice and squishy. I really wanted to rub it and massage it but I couldn’t with him in bed and the fact he was awake. I felt horny. I was too afraid to get out of bed anyway to change. Alex started to get restless again. I held him tight to try and calm him down to relax him. I could also hear Tristian crying. Steven was taking care of him so I wasn’t worried. My boobs were full again so I knew he was hungry. Great, I had to feed my baby and take care of Alex. How was I going to do both? Leaving this room would mean he might get upset because I had to leave him to take care of his new brother which he probably hates because he was an invasion to his routine and now he would have to share his mum.
I started to get anxious. Alex was also not calming down. He was making shrieking sounds and I was so glad when Steven came in. He didn’t have Tristian with him.
“You need help?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said. “I pooped in my nappy and my boobs are full.”
“Go in our room and I will take care of him,” said Steven.
I was very happy. I got out of bed and went back in my room. Tristian was crying in his bassinet. I had to change first. I ignored him and I changed in the bathroom first. Then someone came in my bedroom. I didn’t think it was Alex or else I would have heard my husband. I continued changing and then I put more rash cream in my bottom and wiped my fingers and I put the clean nappy on and threw my messy one away. I put my pajamas back on and went back in my bedroom and there was Christina holding my baby and rocking him and patting his butt.
“I think he’s hungry,” she said. “He is rooting for a nipple.”
“He is, my boobs are telling me,” I said.
Christina handed him to me and I popped out one of my boobs and started to feed him. He started to suck. Christina left my bedroom. I felt a letdown in my right boob. I could feel the milk leaking out and onto the milk pad. I checked and I did see milk leaking out of my nipple. I got on my computer and checked out Reddit. I checked out the Beyond the Bump subreddit. I was no longer in the babybump subreddit because I was no longer pregnant. Tristian nursed and nursed and the boob got soft again. He even fell asleep nursing.
My other boob felt better. I put Tristian down again in his bassinet and covered him up. I put my boob away and went back to my computer. I ignored the milk in my other boob. I didn’t want to express it or pump it or else my body would make more milk and then I would get engorged. I didn’t want that to happen because last time it hurt.
Alex had another hard night tonight and I was hoping everything would get better and Steven made me sleep with Alex to help keep him calm and he would come and get me whenever Tristian was hungry.
The next day I was so tired I just wanted to stay in my cot. Tristian was laying down sleeping beside me.
“Natalia, I want you to get Alex ready for school, he needs you,” said Steven.
“I’m tired,” I said.
“You can rest more when you get back but right now you need to get back into his routine and maybe he will start to like having a new brother around when he sees he didn’t steal you away.”
Steven put the side rail down. He pulled the covers off me. “You need changed?”
My nappy was soaking wet.
“Yes,” I said.
“Do you want me to do it or can you take care of it yourself?”
“I’m too tired to do it,” I said.
I didn’t want to get out of my nice bed and I wished Steven could take care of Alex again while I took care of our new baby. I also had my son’s first appointment today that was supposed to be my prenatal care.
Steven changed my nappy and he lifted my legs in the air again like a baby while he did it and then he put a fresh nappy on me. Then he pulled me up and carried me out of my bed.
“You said you wanted to be an adult and here you are acting like a baby,” he said.
“I’m tired,” I said grumpily.
“Well you still have your other child to take care of. Don’t neglect him just because you had your new one or else how else would he learn to like his new brother if all our baby is doing is changing his whole routine? You don’t want him to try and hurt our son do we? So you must pay more attention to him or else he will keep on having behavior problems and doing some hitting and throwing.”
He put me on his bed and I curled up in a ball.
“Natalia, come on, do I need to treat you like a baby again? You’re acting like one.”
Then Steven left me alone for a sec and I heard him doing something and then he came out of our bathroom. I saw him go in our wardrobe and he took out one of my pairs of trousers and a shirt. He got me dressed.
“I guess you still want to be a baby girl,” he said. “I had to get you dressed like one. Come on honey.”
He pulled me off his bed and made me stand on my feet. I made myself fall on his bed again when he let go.
Steven sighed. “Oh my god Natalia. Grow up right now and be a parent.”
I just stayed on his bed and he scooped me into his arms and carried me to our door and he put me down and opened our bedroom door and led me to Alex’s bedroom. He was still in bed sleeping. He looked so innocent and I could remember when he was just a tiny baby like Tristian. I was missing him being that young. I felt more awake. I walked over to his bed and pulled the covers off him.
“Time to get up for school,” I said.
I got him up the same way as before and then I heard Tristian crying. I decided to ignore him for now since not attending to him this instance wouldn’t hurt him. I will get to him after I give Alex his breakfast. Then I will go up to my room and then attend to him.
I took Alex to the bathroom and had him use the toilet and I helped him wash his hands. I got a clean pull up for him and put them on him. I found it a lot easier to take care of him again because I didn’t have all that pressure down there. I put his clothes on him and I saw Steven carrying Tristian. “I think he’s hungry,” he said.
“Well I’m busy,” I said.
I brought Alex to the kitchen and gave him his Honey Loops. Then I left the kitchen and got Tristian.
“Thank you Natalia and I am sorry I got mad at you,” said Steven.
“When?” I asked.
“When I was getting you up, I got upset with you because you were not waking up.”
“You sure did a poor job expressing it because I didn’t even know you were mad,” I said.
Steven barely ever gets mad and he would raise his voice if he did but he didn’t this time.
I took Tristian to our room and I sat in my chair and nursed him. I got on my computer and looked online again.
Then Steven came in our room and told me, “I need you to start pumping your milk so I can feed him when you are gone.”
“Why?” I asked. “I’m not going anywhere without him.”
“You need to bring Alex to school and I don’t think you would feel comfortable brining Tristian and he might get hungry when you are gone or otherwise we would have to supplement and I don’t think you would want to do that. So I will bring Alex to school but I need you to pump your milk as much as you can.”
“But I don’t want to get engorged,” I said.
“Your body will know how much to make and figure it out so don’t you worry,” said Steven. “Just pump your milk today. And I also changed him so he has a clean nappy.”
Steven left and I was left alone. So was I bringing Alex to school? Steven said he was going to do it and said I needed to pump my milk so I concluded he was going to do it and I didn’t need to do anything except pump milk.
“Natalia, I needed you to get Alex ready for school now,” said Steven again later.
“I thought you were taking him to school?” I asked.
“Yes but I still need you to get him ready, you need to be back in his routine, give me Tristian.”
I took him off my boob and handed him to him. I went back downstairs. I got Alex ready for school, I helped him brush his teeth and rinse out his mouth, I also got his shoes on and I tied them into double knots. At age ten he still can’t tie his shoes. I never even taught him and he wouldn’t be able to do it anyway since his motor skills are poor. Alex then played on his tablet. He played Fruit Ninja.
I went back upstairs to my room.
Steven was still holding our baby.
“Aren’t you going to be with your son?” he asked.
“I always come up here when I’m done,” I said.
“You have Christina take care of him for you?” Steven asked.
“No but she is here and she would come get me if she had a problem,” I said.
“Natalia. Well I guess if you stayed down there it would upset him because it would still be a change in his routine. So you don’t ever work with him?”
“I take him to the bathroom, I give him his food, I put his shoes on and get him dress and give him a bath,” I said.
“I mean working on his skills so he can be more independent. He isn’t going to learn to be more independent if you don’t do anything with him.”
“Well you can’t force it on an autistic child unless you want to get your ass kicked by them because you pushed them to be normal too much,” I said.
“That is why you need to stay off those sites Natalia,” said Steven. “Quit talking to those autistic people online who say they will get violent and beat people up if they are forced to be “normal,” he put the word in air quotes using one hand. “Not everyone one of them is going to get violent from therapy.”
“I know, I just don’t want to overdo it and get aggressive with it or else Alex could get frustrated and act out and be more aggressive and what if that was the reason for Issy’s abuse? What if Kelli had over done it? After all she was so obsessed about “curing” her child from autism because she had read stories about kids “recovering” from it and she would even refuse to do anything for her unless she looked at her and lot of autistic people say that is abuse.” It was my turn to use air quotes when I said the word curing and recovering.
“Oh bullshit, that is why you need to quit reading those sites and quit listening to those people. Yes, some kids don’t want to learn and some don’t have a learning attitude but that doesn’t mean Alex doesn’t want to learn. Now you’re having anxiety about helping him. Maybe I should get a lock for the internet so you can’t access any of those websites.”
“No,” I cried.
“Yes if you don’t stop listening to them.”
I wish he would understand how serious this all is. Does he get how most ASD people feel about therapy and being “fixed”? Does he understand how the reason why they get violent is because of lack of understanding and acceptance from people and I even read on Wrongplanet about that is why school shootings happen by a few of them. But yet if a parent kills their disabled child, none of them will say lack of services did it but yet they will say lack of understanding and tolerance causes school shootings. See the doubt standard? That drives me crazy. It doesn’t even matter if the shooter killed some innocent people.
Daddy soon took Alex to school for me. I had Tristian again in my arms. I admired how he looked. He looked a lot different than Alex because of different fathers. I could see a little bit of me in him, I could see it in his nose and I looked similar from when I was a baby. He then yawned and I looked at his gums and his tiny mouth. I put my finger in it and he put his lips around my finger and sucked. I then got him dressed. I put tiny socks on him too. I put my hands around his chest and I could touch both ends of my fingers around his chest. It was like having a doll but this was a live human so I couldn’t just toss it and put it down and play with it later or carrying it by the head or arm or leg or jump on it.
I was home alone again for a little bit until Daddy came back. He decided he wanted to go to my son’s appointment.
Chapter 4
We arrived at my son’s appointment. Steven got Tristian out of the car. We had him in the back seat behind him.
“Grab the nappy bags,” he said.
I grabbed mine and Tristian’s and he locked the car and we headed to the building. I wore my nappy bag and I carried Tristian’s on my left shoulder.
We checked in when we got inside and then we were seated. Tristian was sleeping. I had to take out the papers that were given to me at the hospital where I was taken care of postpartum where I would have had Tristian if it weren’t for a fast labor. I also took out my Nintendo 3DS and played it. Steven kept looking at our son.
Then my name and my son’s name was called so I closed my game system and got up. Steven got up too and carried the carrier in his right hand. We followed the lady who had called us. I wasn’t weighed or measured, instead I was taken straight to a doctor’s office and told to take a seat. I sat down and Steven sat down besides us.
“How are you today?” she asked.
“Natalia,” said Steven.
“What?” I asked.
He glanced at her.
I looked and she was looking at me. “Oh fine I guess.”
Steven laughed. “She has been doing very well with the new baby and she is taking very good care of him and I think she is doing a very good job but she can’t seem to do both.”
“Both? What do you mean?”
“She has another son and he has autism so she hasn’t been paying much attention to him so I have been doing it for her and she has only been focused on him here,” Steven looked at Tristian. “I had to make her take care of her oldest this morning and I think if she paid more attention to him, things will get better and he will maybe get used to having a new brother and not resent him when he sees he wouldn’t be taking her attention away from him but she is now seeming to have anxiety about her son getting aggressive if she pushes him too much to learn some self-help care and other skills.”
The lady pulled up my chart on the computer and looked at it. “I see,” she said.
I glanced at it and I saw all these labels:
F42 Obsessive Compulsive Disorder 300.3
Compulsion
Convulsion
F50.0 Anorexia Nervosa 307.1
Eating disorder
F41.9 Anxiety disorder 300.00
F84.0 Infantile autism 299.00
F84.5 Asperger’s disorder 299.80
Autism Spectrum Disorder
Depression
Anemia
Social Anxiety
Chemical pregnancy
Childhood traumatic brain injury
Spontaneous natural childbirth
Dual incontinence requiring full time protection nappies
I don’t know why they have all those autism labels and OCD labels and eating disorder labels, are they really necessary if they all mean the same thing? Why not only have one of each instead of all those names? And why do they have labels on there that are no longer relevant such as depression or anorexia or anemia, or my past seizures because of the bad side effects of the pills I was on one time for my anxiety.
She also looked at the other doctor notes. I didn’t get to see everything so I only saw a glimpse of it.
“Likes to explore the city”
“Made minimal eye contact in the office”
“History of depression and childhood head injuries and problems with learning”
“Born and raised in the states and moved to the UK to be with her father and family”
“Prefers people who are “different” like her and doesn’t want any “normal” people.”
“Very talkative but made minimal eye contact.”
It was all in paragraphs but I only caught those sentences.
Then she had up my son’s chart and I saw glimpse of it about his birth.
“Had a spontaneous natural home delivery, mother was taken to the hospital in an ambulance and came very dehydrated….” And I didn’t get to read the rest.
Then the lady started to ask us some questions about our new baby like any health concerns, and then she asked me about my post-partum like have I been feeling depressed, how I feel down there. I told her about my after labor cramps and I said I haven’t gotten engorged yet and I am still bleeding down there.
“That will happen for about a month,” she said. “And the cramps you are feeling is just your uterus shrinking.”
“I feel better than the first time because last time I had to walk like a granny and sit down like one and stand up like one because I was so sore down there but not this time,” I said.
“That’s good,” she said.
“I also feel more energetic and I can feel my tummy because last time I couldn’t even tell I would be starving so I often felt nauseated at the hospital after I had him and I don’t feel lethargic and lazy. It’s hard for me to say which delivery was the best, this one or my other son’s because they both have their own advantages. This labor was stronger and so were the cramps but the last ones weren’t as strong and I felt nothing down there when he came out but this time I did but I felt nothing when I pushed him out but yet this labor went quicker than the last one and it took longer for me to push my son out but this one happened in a few seconds and I tore big time but the last one I only tore a little.”
I noticed I was bouncing my foot and looking at the door knob while I spoke. I forced myself to turn my head towards her and then I was looking at the keyboard and computer while I spoke. The lady was typing on the computer while I was talking.
Then she logged off and left the office.
Steven and I waited for the real doctor. Tristian open his eyes and moved his head and hands.
“Hi,” said Steven. He started to rock his carrier. Steven continued talking to him in a cute voice. Tristian just looked at him and then around. Then we both heard a loud farting sound from him and a gurgling sound.
“Uh oh mama someone needs a new nappy,” said Steven.
He undid the straps and got him out and handed him to me.
“I don’t want him,” I said.
“He needs changed.”
“How come you want me to do it?” I asked.
“Oh fine.”
Steven grabbed the nappy bag and laid him on the table and set the bag on top. He took off his trousers and undid his onesie and started changing him.
A knock came on the door. “Come in,” said Steven.
Dr. Whitell came in. “How is everyone?” he asked.
I didn’t answer this time and let Steven do it.
“I am changing our new baby because Natalia here wouldn’t do it,” said Steven.
“Hey I change him already and you’re the one who had him so I don’t see why I should do it when you could have,” I said.
“Oh it’s one of those things parents always argue about eh when they have a baby,” said Dr. Whitell.
“He did a big mess,” said Steven.
He was wiping his bottom and his penis.
“So how is your new baby doing?” Dr. Whitell asked.
“Good so far,” said Steven.
“I will need to see him when you’re done there.”
“Oh no problem,” said Steven.
“You can just leave his trousers off and his nappy.”
Steven finished cleaning him up and then he threw the nappy and wipes away and Dr. Whitell started looking at our baby. He checked his heart and his breathing and then he checked his penis and balls. He also took his temperature and said everything was good. Then he took out his pen and said “I am going to measure him.”
He grabbed his head and marked above it and then he grabbed his foot and made a mark below it. Then he put his pen away and got out a measuring strip and said, “You can move him.”
Steven picked him up and Dr. Whitell put the strip on the bed and measured the two lines he marks and said “Fifty-one centimeters so he grew just a little bit about this much,” he held up his fingers and made his thumb and finger nearly touching each other.
“Can I put a nappy on now?” Steven asked.
“I am going to bring in a scale to weigh him so hold on,” said Dr. Whitell.
He left the office and Tristian just laid on the table and then Dr. Whitell came back with the scale. He had a underpad on it. He turned it on and told Steven to set our baby on there. While Steven was putting him on it, he started peeing.
“Ugh,” I jumped.
Steven and Dr. Whitell jumped too and pee went all over but it didn’t get me but it got on the floor and table.
“He’s a little squitter,” I joked.
“That happens,” said Dr. Whitell.
Steven set Tristian on the scale where he was lying down. Dr. Whitell weighed him and he was an ounce bigger.
“Okay, you can get him dressed now,” said Dr. Whitell.
Steven took him off and put a clean nappy on him and got him dressed again while Dr. Whitell put the information in the computer.
“You will need to schedule a two week visit with us,” said Dr. Whitell. “Natalia we need to set you up a six-week postpartum appointment.”
He got on the computer again and looked for openings.
“I have an opening for March thirty first for thirteen o clock.”
“I can take that,” I said.
Dr. Whitell put that in and then he checked for openings for my appointment. “I can see you on April twenty-sixth at ten.”
“That will work,” I said.
He put it in and then he logged off and said he now needed to do a check up on me and told me to hop on the table. I didn’t want to sit on the pee so Dr. Whitell got some paper towels and I wiped the table and ripped off the paper part that was wet and Dr. Whitell pulled more down to cover the bed again.
Steven moved the nappy bag and I got on and sat.
Dr. Whitell did his check-up.
“I have never seen a tummy shrink this fast,” he said. “You look good.”
My tummy was free of stretch marks and saggy skin. It didn’t even look like I just had a baby. Dr. Whitell did his other check-ups on me like checking my blood pressure and my breathing and my heart and he put the information in the computer. He said my blood pressure had gone up now that I have had the baby. I was so glad I was no longer anemic and my blood pressure was back to normal. Also no more constipation and no more of those iron pills.
Then he was done and he left and came back with my printed out papers for my next appointment and some information about our appointment today.
“I will see you in a fortnight,” he said.
He left the office and Steven and I were free to go. He carried Tristian out while I carried the nappy bags. I checked out and then we left the building and headed to our car. He put Tristian in the carrier holder and got in on the driver’s side. I got in myself and tossed the nappy bags behind me where Alex sits. We put our seatbelts on and we left the car lot.
“Things are going well,” said Steven.
Then Tristian started to cry.
“Uh oh, I think he is hungry,” said Steven.
He found a place to park and told me to feed him.
I got out of the car and got Tristian out of his carrier and I brought him to the front seat and started to nurse. Steven listened to a rock station. It played mostly his music I didn’t care about. Him and I have a different taste in music. He likes music groups like Aerosmith or Disturbed. I like soft rock, rock, hip hop, House, Eurodance, pop. But we do like some of the same music groups like The Beatles, Rolling Stones, CCR.
Tristian nursed for about ten minutes and then he was done.
“Don’t forget to burp him,” said Steven.
I put him on my shoulder and patted his back and he burped. Then I got out of the car and put him back in his carrier and got back in the front seat again.
We headed home again and I felt my nappy getting filled with poop.
“Oh pee ew Natalia,” said Steven.
“How did you know it was me?” I asked.
“Tristian’s doesn’t smell like yours. I guess you will need changed when we get home.”
My nappy felt nice and squishy. I felt a little more come out and I felt it spread more and going up my nappy. I enjoyed the mess the rest of the way home.
When we got home Steven told me to meet up in our room. He unlocked our door and I went inside and hung up my coat and went upstairs. I set the nappy bags down and waited for Steven. He set Tristian down in his carrier and he got out an under pad and laid it on his bed. “Lay down dear.”
I laid on it and Steven got out the wipes and rash cream and a clean nappy. He took off my shoes and pulled off my trousers. He undid my nappy and he got out some wipes and started to clean me up. Then he held my legs in the air and cleaned me up. He even cleaned around my clitoris and cleaned inside my vagina. He also dug inside my butthole and wiped inside my butt crack. I am not sure how many wipes he used but he finally pulled the dirty nappy away and he had it rolled up. He unfolded the clean nappy and lifted my butt off the bed again and he placed it under me and set my butt down. He then put rash cream on and then put the nappy on.
“How do you like changing both nappies?” I asked.
“It don’t bother me,” he said. “At least I get to fuck and play with you down there.”
He put my trousers back on and laid down beside me and felt my nappy. Then Tristian started to cry again. “I think he’s hungry again and I will make us something to eat, you take care of him,” said Steven.
He got up and left our bedroom. I got Tristian out and nursed him on my other boob. I felt my nappy getting warm again.
Steven soon came back up with my food and he set it on the foot stool for me. It was on a regular plate and he had a regular cup with him and he set it on the table beside me. He looked at Tristian again and left. I continued with my computer while Tristian ate and then I ate my food and had my water.
Steven came up again soon and got my plate. Tristian was sleeping on my boob. I look on Facebook and read posts there including the ones from an incontinent support group I am in that is closed to the public that requires a request to join. The admins there do a good job weeding out AB/DL posts.
Steven got Alex from school and I just stayed home with Tristian and using my computer and listening to music on youtube. Then the phone started ringing. I put Tristian down on the chair and answered the phone. “Hello?”
“Natalie, this is Marie calling, I have asked around and starting tomorrow we will have someone come there and check things out with you and Alex and help you out. Her name will be Leanne Barrant and will you be around tomorrow?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Good, what time would work for you?”
“Any time,” I said.
“Okay, would eleven o clock work for you?”
“Sure,” I said.
“Okay I will have her be there by eleven sharp and she will be there all day until seventeen o clock and Natalie, this will get better I promise you.”
How would she know it would get better? I won’t believe her until I see it happening.
Marie got off the phone and I put the phone back and sat back down. I was hoping things would get better.
Chapter 5
Steven made me take care of Alex again and he got upset and started screaming when he saw Tristian and tried to hit him again. I blocked his view and he hit me again. For some reason I didn’t care that I was being hit. At least I was keeping Tristian safe from the blows. Steven just kept him upstairs with him while I stayed downstairs with my computer. Whenever Tristian got hungry, Steven would call me upstairs and I would leave and go up and Steven would hand the baby to me and he would go downstairs to be with Alex so Gailand wouldn’t have to take care of him and then Christina. I nursed Tristian again and I had to change his diaper again because it was messy again. Then he was done eating and I left him in his bassinet and went back downstairs where my computer is.
“Done?” Steven asked.
“Yes,” I said.
Steven went back upstairs and I watched Alexis playing Super Mario Maker. I had a lot of stars for that game because Alex had taken over and created some beautiful courses. I had thought about doing a level and make it all sensory overload and call it A Very Autistic Mario and I would make the screen go crooked and do a bunch of sound affects just to be real annoying and do enemy spam but I got told online it sounded like something a troll would do. I told Steven that idea and he said it didn’t sound very nice and it comes off as me making a mockery out of autistic people. Even Christina didn’t like it or even my Dad. I asked Alex what he thought of it and he said it sounded stupid. I asked him why and he said all of it sounded stupid because of putting in a bunch of enemies and lot of sound, just dumb and he hates those levels and always skips them. I would mind as well call it A Very Stupid Mario Level, Alex’s suggestion for my level idea. I guess I was out voted so I didn’t do the level and I abandoned the idea. I wouldn’t want to piss off a bunch of Mario fans and then get reported for “bullying” and then get in trouble with Nintendo and possibly not be able to play online anymore so that would mean no more creating levels or playing levels made by other people around the world all because people would miss the point of my level.
Christina made dinner and fed it to all of us, I had to make Alex his food and Steven stayed upstairs with Tristian and I had to keep going up there to feed him. I wondered who was going to take care of him when Steven goes back to work after his paternity leave. Hopefully I would be getting help from my social worker. My boobs had gotten hard for the past few hours and now they were hurting and they had grown big. Great, I was hoping I wouldn’t get engorged but it had happened. Last time I had freaked out because I woke up with Dolly Parton boobs and they were hard as a rock and hurt when I bumped them. Even Alex couldn’t latch on so my nipples got all chapped and cracked due to him not being on right and it wouldn’t even bother trying to latch him on correctly because it would take me about ten minutes to get him to latch on and I didn’t want to do it all over again. I was not going to pump my milk until this all ended because I didn’t want to make this worse.
“Give this to your husband,” said Christina.
She had made a plate for him and I took it and brought it upstairs to our room.
“Thank you honey,” he said.
He took the plate and I went back downstairs. I ate my food and put the plate in the sink. Steven soon came down with his plate but he didn’t have our son with him. “Tristian’s hungry,” he told me.
I got up and went upstairs. I saw him lying on Steven’s bed. He wasn’t even crying. I picked him up and he turned his head to my chest and was opening his mouth. I sat down in my chair and started to nurse him again. It hurt a little but I was hoping the nursing would help. I saw how big my boobs looked. I couldn’t help but feel the other one and it was very hard and it hurt. I probably had F cups now.
Tristian sucked on my hard boobie and then I had to move him to the other one. I squeezed the one he was just on and some milk came out but it didn’t squirt.
When he got done nursing I took him off and set him down and went downstairs back to my computer. Steven went back upstairs again.
That evening I had to get Alex ready for bed. I gave him a bath and Alex got upset when his bath time was interrupted by Tristian crying and Steven getting me. Alex started to shriek and then he was splashing water all over the place and getting me all wet. I yelled at him to stop because I hated getting wet and I felt very tense and overwhelmed. Then my hands reached out and grabbed his neck.
“Natalia!” Steven shouted.
He grabbed us and told me to let go of him. I let go.
“Go get changed and take care of Tristian while I do this,” said Steven.
I left the bathroom and I took off my clothes. Tristian was still crying. I had to ignore him until I got my pajamas on. I also needed a clean nappy and I wanted to take my shower. I picked Tristian up first and nursed him again. I ignored what was going on in the bathroom.
When Tristian got done nursing, I set him down in his bassinet. He started to cry again but I needed to change and shower. I went in the bathroom and I got undressed and took off my wet nappy. I turned the shower on and waited for it to warm up and got in. I had to do this quick as possible. No pulling hair out of my skin or standing under the nozzle. I shaved first and then I washed my hair. After I was done I got out and realized I had forgotten my clean nappy. I stuck a towel under me and held it around my bottom while I fetched a clean nappy. I grabbed the rash cream and wipes and a nappy and went back to the bathroom. I couldn’t hold the towel in place and carry my nappy supplies at the same time. I went in the bathroom and wiped myself clean again from the blood and I sat on the toilet and put rash cream on. Then I wiped my fingers and put the nappy on. I got my pajamas back on and put the towel in the hamper. Tristian was now sleeping. I checked on him and he was still alive. I left him be and went back downstairs. I got my computer and brought it back up. Steven was still taking care of Alex in the bathroom. I got on my computer and looked on the forums.
Soon Steven came in my room again.
“Get your son to bed,” he said. “Is Tristian sleeping again?”
“Yes,” I said.
“You ripped open Alex’s skin when you choked him so there was a little bit of blood.”
I was speechless.
“You need to control yourself better,” said Steven. “Or they will take both our kids away and my son might not be allowed to come here anymore.”
“It was an accident,” I said. “He was getting me all overwhelmed so that happened.”
“If it gets too much, just come get me.”
“And what if you’re not here?” I asked.
“Then you get Christina and you are going to be getting help.”
Steven looked at Tristian in his bassinet. He rubbed him for second. Then he covered him with a baby blanket. I went in Alex’s bedroom. I got a clean pull up on him and got his pajamas on. He walked around in circles and flapped his hands. “Alex, it’s time to brush your teeth,” I said.
I looked at his neck and saw the scratch marks and red spots. Hopefully the teachers will just assume he did that to himself and not ask me about it or ask him about it and I hoped he wouldn’t tell anyone. I had to think of a story to tell about how he got those marks. Alex got rough with me so I grabbed him in self-defense and that happened. That would be a good story to tell. It would just mean Alex is getting too big for me to handle.
I brought Alex to the bathroom and he got distracted by his own self stimulation for a bit. I got his toothbrush wet and put his toothpaste on it and brushed his teeth. After I was done, I helped him rinse his mouth out. My breasts hurt even more from the milk.
I brought Alex back to his room and helped him in bed but he got out again and grabbed a book and took it to bed with him.
“No Alex it’s night night,” I said.
I was about to take it from him but he pulled it away and shrieked.
“Well you can keep it with you but I am turning off the light,” I said.
Alex shrieked again and I turned it off and he shrieked more and tossed the book at me. He missed luckily and he got the wall instead.
I went back to our bedroom.
Alex kept screaming.
“What’s wrong with him?” Steven asked.
“I don’t know, he wanted to look at a book and I told him it was bed time so I turned off the light and he tossed the book at me,” I replied.
Steven left out bedroom. Then he came back and told me Alex only wanted me to read to him and to just read him the story.
I groaned.
“Just do it, you both need to spend time together,” said Steven,
I went back in Alex’s bedroom and the lamp was on in his room and he had his book with him. He was looking through the pages. I sat down on his bed. “Okay, let me read this to you,” I took the book from him.
I went to the beginning and started to read.
I heard Tristian crying again but I let Steven handle it. Alex was covering his ears. Was the crying really that loud or did he just not want to hear the baby?
“Alex, is the baby hurting your ears?” I asked.
He didn’t answer so I got his tablet and went to the app and told him to just answer yes or no, is the baby hurting his ears.
He tapped yes.
“Yes,” said the program.
“I can give you noise cancelling headphones.”
Alex grabbed the tablet and typed madly on it as he rocked and flapped his hand. Then the machine said “This is retarded, I shouldn’t have to wear ear phones in my own room and not being able to listen to my story.”
I was shocked at the word. “Where did you hear the word retarded as a slang? Who taught you it?”
“Myself.”
“But how, someone must have used it at school or how else would you know? No one uses it in this home.”
“Retarded is just an expression.”
“But do you know what it really means?” I asked.
“It’s just an expression.”
“Yes but that word used to mean people who have low IQ’s who have an IQ of seventy or below and people will also use that word to be insulting and lot of people are offended by the word retarded. My sister used it a lot and so did kids in my school.”
“But I mean I shouldn’t have to wear headphones in my own house and not hear my own story, stupid baby.”
“It will pass,” I said. “It’s only temporary. Besides he is probably hungry so if I fed him, he would stop crying but then you might get upset if I get up and leave this room.”
“I hate your new baby. Why did you have to go and have it?”
“It was unplanned.”
“Why did you keep it instead of giving it away?”
“Because your stepfather and I wanted this baby and if you don’t start being nice to it and if you keep trying to hurt it, child protection services may come and take you and you wouldn’t live with us anymore, you would be in some home for kids with severe disabilities or be in a hospital for kids with severe behavior issues,” I warned.
Alex tossed his tablet across the room.
“Alex,” I shouted.
He tossed his book too and then he was grabbing me and I was grabbing him back. “Let go of me right now!” I shouted.
I kept shouting at him and fighting back and Christina and Steven rushed in the bedroom.
“Whoa whoa whoa,” said Steven pulling us apart.
“Okay, I guess I shouldn’t have you try and take care of him then,” he told me.
“Oh no,” said Christina picking up Alex’s tablet.
I saw the screen was shattered. It was all cracked and you couldn’t even see the screen. It was all in funny colors. Alex now didn’t have a voice anymore.
Steven had a hold of Alex and he told me to just go back to my room. I headed back in there and fed Tristian again. I couldn’t wait until tomorrow. I also felt upset about his device he had busted. How was he going to communicate now? My life was going to be harder again. I also realized Alex would have no way of telling anyone how he got those scratches on his neck unless they give him some other device to use at school.