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Post by Bad Beth on Aug 26, 2014 22:12:54 GMT
Chapter 36
We arrived home. Mom pulled into the garage and we got out. We went inside through the laundry room as always. Mom headed right upstairs to her room while I went to mine and saw what Mom had done. It was all white walls and all the ugly drawings were gone. My room smelled all fresh from the paint. I sniffed the hair and enjoyed the smell. I saw the ladder and paint cans and the roller brush and the thing the paint pours into. Then Mom came back in the room and she poured some more paint into the thing and put some paint on the roller and started painting again. I wanted to help but there was only one roller. I left my own room and saw Kelly wasn’t in her room. I got on the computer and logged onto AOL and it said I got mail. I didn’t check it because it all belongs to Kelly from her friends. I didn’t want to be nosy and read her mail and save it so it won’t delete when I close it. I checked the incontinent board out again and I was still banned from the other one. I also checked out the Diaper Story Board. I pooped in my diaper as I was reading. It felt all squishy and I could barely feel it. Then the doorbell rang. “Someone answer that,” Mom called from my room. Matthew and I went rushing for the door. But he made it there before I could. “The money is mine,” he said. He answered it and there stood the officer again. I felt very nervous. “Natalie, what did you do?” Matthew asked. Uh oh, was this about the car? Had Mrs. Trunchbull called the police to press charges on me.? The officer saw me and said “Is your mom or dad here? This is about the investigation of our police misconduct.” “Mom,” Matthew shouted. “Mom,” I called. “What?” she called. “There is a police officer here,” I shouted. I heard Mom come and she came downstairs as I went back to Kelly’s room. I finished reading the board. I then went to Shockwave and did the daily jigsaw. I could hear some talking going on. I kept on working on the puzzle and then I heard Mom thanking the officer. Then the front door closed. I heard Mom come up the stairs again and she called my name. “What?” I called. Mom came in Kelly’s room with an envelope. “Natalie, good news, the officer stopped here to tell me they had closed the case we opened and he said they had finished the investigation and he told me the two officers who arrested you and made fun of you were suspended and they also found they did not have proper training in their police officers to deal with people with disabilities so they will do additional training on that. So we did it. No more Keystone cops.” Mom gave me a hard rub on my shoulder and left. “What’s with the envelope?” I asked. “Just something from the officer, I will tell your father about it to see what he wants us to do with it.” “What’s in it?” I asked. “Just something for you.” “What is it?” “It’s a check for six hundred dollars. That is their way of apologizing for what their officers did.” “Six hundred dollars?” I asked. Great, more money I have. “Yes,” said Mom. “Why do you need to tell Dad about it, it’s my money, I can do what I want with it,” I said. “You’re fifteen, not an adult. I would give it to you but your dad would want to have his say in it and make the decision. I will keep it downstairs for him to see and we will discuss it when I pick him up.” I couldn’t wait until he was back from work. Six hundred dollars, that was a lot of money. I could spend it all on anything I want like all the Nintendo 64 games I want or all the games I want from Game Crazy for the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis and Game Boy or by all the Ty Beanies I want and clothes, those awesome keychains I see sometimes in stores. I could use the money to buy all the 102 Dalmatians Happy Meal Toys. “Natalie, please change your diaper,” said Mom. “It stinks.” “Where’s Kelly?” I asked. “Baby sitting and then she will be at a friend’s house so she won’t be here for dinner.” “Less food to make and serve and less dishes to wash,” I said. “Mmmm mmm,” said Mom and she left the room. I went back to what I was doing.
For dinner, Mom made something quick, it was macaroni and cheese, my favorite. She did finish painting my room and now all the walls were white and fresh. Now it was drying and she still had the stuff in my room. Now I couldn’t wait for it to dry so I could have all my furniture pushed back against the wall instead of it being bunched up in the middle of my room. All my drawers were out in the hallway and my bed was in the middle of the room and so was my bookshelves and all my books were out in the hallway and my board games and puzzles and coloring books. Dad was going to say this was all a mess. Even the TV was in the middle too. The tape was still on the framework to protect it from the paint. It felt so nice to not have Kelly here. The phone rang and Mom answered it and then she went and picked up Dad from town. They came home and Mom called Matthew and me to dinner. I went rushing to the kitchen for some food. I was starving and I couldn’t wait for the macaroni and cheese. I felt I was panting like a dog for my food. Mom took the kettle off the stove and started pouring the pasta on plates. “What is this?” Dad asked. “You don’t know what food this is?” Mom asked. “Anita, I’m serious. Why did you make this instead of what I told you to make?” “I didn’t have time and I had to go to Natalie’s school for a meeting.” “You didn’t tell me you had a meeting?” “It was unplanned. It just happened today.” “What was the meeting for?” “Just something and it got resolved,” said Mom. “What got resolved?” Dad asked. “Nothing for you to worry about,” said Mom. “Don’t tell me Natalie got in trouble again.” “She didn’t.” “I mean did she get into trouble?” “Glen, stop it,” said Mom. “I do not like anything being kept from me about our kids,” said Glen. “Well you always get upset,” said Mom. “So she did get in trouble,” said Dad. “I never said she did.” “So why the big secret?” Dad asked. Mom just put the kettle down and left the kitchen. “Natalie, what did you do?” Dad asked me. “Nothing,” I said quickly. “That tone tells me you did something you shouldn’t have.” I started to get stressed out and scared. Mom had told me to not tell Dad and I didn’t want her to get upset with me for disobeying and Dad was going to get upset for me not telling him. “What did you do Natalie?” Dad asked. I didn’t say anything. “You won’t have dinner if you don’t tell me.” Oh no, I was going to go to bed starving. I didn’t want to go on an empty stomach. “I am not allowed to tell you,” I shouted. “Hey,” Dad raised his voice. “Don’t talk in that tone young lady. I am telling you as your father to tell me.” “Mom says to not tell you,” I said. Dad sighed and left the kitchen and headed upstairs. I stayed in the kitchen and waited and I could hear my parents up there and then Mom screaming and thumping around. Dad just left their room and came back downstairs and told me to just eat my food. “I thought I wasn’t getting any dinner?” I asked. “I am not going to punish you for something your mother told you to do, now eat,” said Dad. He grabbed his plate and sat down at the table. Then Matthew was downstairs and said, “Why was there fighting again?” “Your mum is just being Mum,” said Dad. “I am not going to fight her again. We will all just eat without her so that way she can relax.” If I want my way, I have to make sure I attack my own partner to get my way. I started to eat my macaroni and cheese at the table. Matthew got his plate and sat down and started to eat. “Hey, where’s Kelly?” Dad asked. “Babysitting,” I said. “When will she be home?” “I don’t know.” Then I asked him, “Did Mom tell you about my six hundred dollars I got, Dad?” “Yes she did when she picked me up and I am going to be sticking it in the bank account with your other money.” “Great, I can’t touch that either until I am twenty one,” I said. “No, you will have access to it when you get out if high school.” “I thought it was twenty one,” I said. “That is for the money you got from the guy who hit you guys with his car and landed you back in nappies and cost this family, all the damage he had done,” said Dad. “And then you had to do it,” said Matthew. “I didn’t kill anyone.” “But you crashed into a building and damaged property.” “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, it’s over and done with.” “Dad, since the money is mine, I want to use it to pay off the window I broke,” I said. “No,” said Dad. “Why not?” I cried. “I think that is a great idea,” said Mom. She had come downstairs and I didn’t even hear her until she said it. I turned and looked and there she was walking in the kitchen. “What’s a great idea?” Dad asked. “Her wanting to use her check to pay us back for the window instead of wanting to spend it on video games and junk. That is wise,” said Mom. “You can take my other money too and pay off your fines and damage and stuff,” I said. “Then you will be even closer to being done paying for it.” “No,” said Dad firmly. “You will not take the easy way out, this is meant for a punishment, not to pay your way out of it.” “Are you serious?” Mom asked. “She will never pay it off unless you give her a huge raise in her allowance and you are just going to not let her pay it off?” “She broke that window Anita and we had to pay for it. How do you think that makes me feel?” “She just offered to give you money for it and now you won’t let her? Isn’t that what paying a fine is Glen? She has her money, now she can pay it.” “No,” Dad shouted. “You just don’t want me to have any money to spend,” I shouted at Dad. “I can’t wait until I get my own job and then I will have my own money to spend on anything I want.” “How will you get to work?” Dad asked. “Car,” I said. “But how will you get your license?” “Get it,” I said. “But how? You will need a car to get there, money to do the classes and take the tests to get your license.” “From you guys,” I said. “I have all these fees I have to pay so how can you expect us to pay for the classes and then for your car and plus insurance?” Dad said. I realized I would not be driving at sixteen or getting my own car all because of Dad’s stupid drinking. “Mom will take me,” I said. “Or you can walk or ride your bike,” said Dad. “We have to save on gas and you are not to work during the school year, you are only a kid once so enjoy it.” I couldn’t believe it. Dad was not going to let me get a job. “Dad!” I yelled. “Hey, just because the state says you can work doesn’t mean you should. Kids are in such a rush to grow up so why are you?” “I want my own money since I won’t be getting any and I will be getting more,” I said. “Natalie, work and school will be too much,” said Mom. “Your job is going to school and doing your homework.” “So you’re on his side now?” I yelled. “Natalie,” said Dad. “You said I can work when I turn sixteen,” I said. “Only in the summer,” said Dad. “I wish I was allowed to spend my own money,” I cried. “Then I would buy my own car and get my own job and pay for my own classes and for my own tests for my driver’s license,” I said. “Yes yes she is already showing her maturity for adulthood,” said Mom. “She is already figuring out what to use her money for when she turns eighteen. Maybe we can give it to her sooner.” “Well Natalia, if you keep this up, we might let you have your money sooner than waiting until you are eighteen,” said Dad. I kept on yelling and screaming about wishing I had my own money to pay for my own car and for taking the classes to get my license. I was waiting for Dad to change his mind but instead he told me enough of my behavior. “You said I would get it sooner if I keep it up,” I said. “No, I said we might, I didn’t say we would and I meant your maturity for what you want to do with your money, not your hissy fit.” “Well can you at least take her check for the window?” said Mom. Dad sighed. “Fine, none of our children are getting their allowance anyway. I will just put the rest in the bank after the window.” “Good thing you were an actress,” said Mom to me. “Mum is always right,” said Dad. “Anita, first thing tomorrow after all the kids go to school, I want you to take this check to the bank and put, I have to do the math, in our checking and the rest in her savings. I will write it down so you will not forget.” “She can take all my money and put it in your guys’ account,” I said. “No,” said Dad. “I want all your fines to be paid off so things will be back to normal,” I said. “But it’s not enough,” said Dad. “Great, that means we will live like this for the rest of our lives,” I said. “No, I will for a while,” said Dad. “Not you kids.” “But I was in a movie so how can that not be enough?” “Natalie, they only paid you a couple thousand, you have to be famous and well known to make millions,” said Dad. “Also it depends on the role you had in the film. That is not even close to paying off all my fees. So keep your money for your adulthood.” “What about the money I got from the car accident?” I said. “Still won’t pay it all and it’s also for when you’re an adult.” “Natalie is so lucky to have all that money,” said Matthew. “It’s not much to support her for the rest of her life and that money would be gone in no time if she spent it on a car,” said Dad. “It’s not even close to pay for college either and we are paying for Brian’s and he has been paying for some of his.” Mom got her plate and ate her food at the table. “Dad, what’s pitching a tent?” Matthew asked. Mom spat out her food and started choking. “Where did you hear that?” Dad asked. “The sixth graders,” said Matthew. “At school?” Matthew nodded. “It’s when your penis hardens and it sticks out in your pants, you know those tents that are shaped like triangles, the old kind? They stick up and are pointed up in the air so when your penis hardens, it makes your pants stick out where your penis is pushing.” “Oh. I always thought they were talking about real tents and no wonder it never made sense.” “Oh why didn’t I think of that,” said Mom after she was done choking. “I remember the time when kids taught Natalie the word jack off and we had to tell her what it meant and she was so disgusted by it.” “What does it mean, I forget,” I said. “Stimulating a guy’s penis,” said Mom. “How?” I asked. “Rubbing it,” said Dad. I laughed. “Good thing Kelly’s not here,” said Dad. “Thank god,” I said. We all finished our dinner and Dad told me I am doing the dishes. “Why?” I asked. “I get home late and I should have to do them and your mum cooked so she shouldn’t have to do them either and your brother always drops stuff so we can’t have him handle the dishes and Kelly is not here so you’re the only one left to do it,” said Dad. “Glen, I can do them,” said Mom. “It’s fine.” “No, you just go read your book or draw or watch TV.” “I can do them,” said Mom again. “It’s not a big deal.” “It’s just a few plates and dirty cups and spoons. You just go upstairs,” said Dad to Mom. “You worked all day and you can bore me with your topics so I can go to sleep from listening.” “Now you’re going to be using me as a sleeping pill to help you fall asleep,” said Mom. “Are you going to start having Natalie and Matthew coming into our bedroom to talk about James Bond and Jurassic Park and video games and dinosaurs and numbers?” I was on Mom’s side. I also didn’t want to be used for having to bore him out he falls asleep and that is the only time I am allowed to talk about my obsessions. What is the point if he is just going to sleep? “Anita, you’re always a good listener so I will be too,” said Dad. “This is your hour now to talk about it without me shutting you up.” They both left the kitchen and Matthew was already gone up to his room where disaster is because his room is always a huge mess. No matter how many times his stuff gets kicked over or stepped on, he never learns his lesson to keep it picked up. Sometimes it’s hard to get around in there without stepping on anything. That is the only place he is allowed to be messy and at least Dad allows it just as long as it doesn’t go elsewhere in the house but his door must stay closed so he doesn’t have to look in there. Messes do drive him crazy. So Mom deals with it and with the mess she has to walk through. She will clean it by removing dirty dishes and trash but touching anything else will upset him and she tells him she is taking his dirty clothes. I wonder why doesn’t she just ground him or start taking away his toys and keeping them or keep him in his room until it’s cleaned and take away his obsessions. If it gets too bad, she then picks it up a little. I stuck the plates, spoons and cups in the dishwasher with the other dirty dishes and closed it. I was glad that was over and I played my Nintendo 64 in the den trying to ignore I couldn’t shower. Then Mom came in and told me, “Don’t stay up too late,” and left. I wondered why she was letting me stay up again than giving me a bed time like always. I kept on playing my game and then I paused it. I remembered to take my medicine and my odor pill with it. I went upstairs to brush my teeth. I saw the door to my old bedroom was closed so I figured Kelly was home. I went in the bathroom and brushed my teeth and saw my bedroom furniture was still left untouched because it had not been moved back yet. How was I going to sleep like this? “Mom, Dad!” I called. Dad opened the bedroom door to their room. “What do you want?” he asked. “My room, how am I going to sleep with all the furniture still in the middle and all my drawers are still in the hallway,” I said. “We’ll handle it tomorrow,” he said. “But how will I sleep?” I asked. “Let’s see,” said Dad. He went in my room and looked. He touched my wall and said the paint was almost dry and Mom had done a good job. “You can sleep on the couch,” he said. I felt uncomfortable. I always hated sleeping somewhere else without my consent. “Or you can still sleep on your bed but it will be harder to get to and out,” Dad added. I grabbed my pajamas from my drawer and took them to the bathroom with me, I also needed to change. I grabbed a cloth diaper from my closet and changed out of my wet one and put on a dry one and I put on my plastic pants again. I gave myself a sponge bath because I could not stand to go another night without a shower and I also shaved only to find myself bleeding from being cut by the blade. I can shave a lot better when I shower and have less cuts than getting cuts from shaving off my goose bumps. I always get them if I have to give myself a sponge bath or shave at the sink. My skin stung a little from all this and it also felt uncomfortable from wiping myself with a soapy wash cloth and then using a different one to wipe the soap off me. At least I didn’t have to worry about my hair getting soap in it because it was so short. I could even brush it in five seconds and be done. Same as for when I shower. No wonder Mom liked short hair. She didn’t have to brush her hair long and she didn’t need to comb it after her shower. Plus short hair stays neat. After I got done, I got my nightshirt on and dumped my wet diaper in the sink in the laundry room and filled it with water and let it soak. I washed my hands and went back in the den and played Kirby 64. I loved how I could combine two items and fireworks were my favorite. I had already did all six worlds and now I was on the final boss and I found it tough to beat. No weapons could work on the boss and I discovered I had to use the weapons it uses for each transform and it had to match it. If it turned into rock, I had to use the rocks to spit it at the boss and if it turned into ice cubes, I had to suck up one of the cubes and spit it at the boss. None of my parents came down to tell me to go to bed. But Dad did see me in the den and told me I better not be too tired to go to school tomorrow or else I am going anyway. I did get tired and I lied down on the cushions watching GoldenEye and I fell asleep.
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Post by Bad Beth on Sept 25, 2014 7:52:30 GMT
Chapter 37 I woke up on the cushions and the TV was still on but the movie was not. I just laid here and my diaper was wet. I eventually got up and turned the TV off and looked at the time in the kitchen and saw it was only three twenty four in the morning. I felt too lazy to change it. I didn’t want to take it off and clean up and rinse out the diaper and put a clean one on. It would be so much easier if I woke up having to pee and go in the toilet and flush and wipe and wash my hands and go back to bed. I hated wearing diapers again and having no bladder control. I just went back to bed, I mean the cushions, and laid down trying to get to sleep. I could hear the vents going and a car passing by and I also saw the car lights travel across the walls and ceiling as it passed our house. I wonder why anyone drives in the middle of the night here. Were they traveling and they just got home early because they never stayed at a hotel and just kept on driving? We have done that before. I remember we once got home at four in the morning when I was ten and everyone was sleeping except Dad and I. I just stayed up in the car and everyone else slept while Dad just drove. I just laid and laid and I kept my eyes closed. I could feel my bottom stinging. I tried to ignore it not moving my body. I knew the rash would get worse if I didn’t change out of this thing but I sleep through the night in the same diaper and I get no rashes. I wished Mom were here to change me so I wouldn’t have to do it. I was too tired for that. Then soon I decided to get up and change my diaper. I went upstairs and went in my room turning on the light. I grabbed a clean diaper and brought it to the bathroom with me. I took off my pajamas and took off my rubber pants and my wet diaper. I just tossed it in the tub and cleaned my bottom hoping I wouldn’t have an accident. I realized I didn’t bring my rash cream so that meant running out in the hall and getting it risk getting pee on the rug. My parents would kill me if they saw pee on the rug. I just put the diaper on anyway and my rubber pants and put my pajamas back on. I then brought the diaper to the laundry room and dumped it in the sink and washed my hands in the kitchen. I lied back down in the den. I couldn’t sleep so I turned on the radio we had in here. Mom and Dad got it as a gift so we use it around the house or outside. I browsed the stations and found an oldie song. I listened to it. “97.1 Kisn fm,” it said after the song ended. It sounded like kissin’. “KKSN, Salem, Portland, and Vancouver. Oldies radio 97.1 Kisn fm.” Then the next song came on. It was The Beach Boys, my favorite oldies music group. I have always loved their music ever since I first heard them. But there have been songs by them I didn’t like. Soon I heard my Dad getting up for work. He was already in the kitchen. Mom was up too and I could hear them talking. My diaper was wet again. I got up and opened the den door and came out. Dad was cooking himself some eggs and coffee was being made. Dad stopped talking when he saw me. “Oh morning Natalie, did we wake you up? “No,” I said. “Oh, you’re an early bird then.” “I don’t have to get you up for school and get you dressed and change your diaper,” said Mom. I looked at the time and saw it was only five fourteen. Dad then poured two cups of coffee and handed one of them to Mom. She took it and took a sip and complained about the taste. “It’s the same brand,” said Dad. “It tastes too bland,” Mom complained. “I just made it and put in enough coffee grounds,” said Dad. Mom argued insisting the coffee didn’t have enough flavor and Dad just sighed and took it from her. I went upstairs to my room again and put my hand on my wall. The paint felt fresh and my room still smelled like fresh paint. I looked s my hand for wet paint and found none. I guess the walls are dry. Now my mom could move the furniture back. She still had the step stool in my room with the paint can and roller and the thing you pour the paint into. She also still had tape on the frames and at the top where the ceiling it and where the wall is and an old blanket on the floor where she last painted. She also had out the paint brush too. I went back downstairs to the den and laid back down some more. I stared at the ceiling and the walls. Dad never left because I never heard Mom leaving with him to take him to town to drop him off. Instead I could hear the TV turn on. I heard Dad talking again and he said something about the cable going off soon. I got up again and came out in the family room and asked Dad why he was still here and wans’t he going to work. He said Mom didn’t take him until six thirty and said he may be working late so he won’t be there for dinner. I sighed. “Hey, at least I will be making more money to pay those fees I owe,” said Dad. “Sometimes I think you do it just to get away from Mom,” I said. “Natalie,” said Dad. “Do you really Glen?” Mom asked. “I need a break sometimes from this family, is that a problem?” said Dad. “I don’t get any break,” said Mom. “Do I get a break from being a mom or a wife? You get to go to work.” “I make money to keep a roof over our heads and put food on the table. I shouldn’t have to come home and get beaten by you or deal with any tantrums and your anxiety and Kelly’s adolescent feelings, or Natalie’s bunch of questions, everything.” “I never got a break from your drinking until you drove drunk,” said Mom. “I am through talking, I have to go to work soon and I will not have this discussion,” said Dad. “I am a working guy, a husband, your carer, a father, I never get a break either.” “You said you were done with this discussion,” said Mom covering her ears. “Whatever,” said Dad. Mom and Dad said nothing else and they were sitting on the opposite end of the couch. “Mom, I need a disposable,” I said. “Why?” she asked. “I need changed,” I said. “You don’t even need to go to school right now for another what is the time?” Dad looked at his watch as Mom was getting up to see the time and Dad said, “Six” and Mom said “five-fifty-eight. Your watch is two minutes fast.” “Same thing, I was rounding,” said Dad. “So you don’t need to go to school for another two and a half hours so you can wear another cloth diaper,” said Mom. I wonder why people round the time or say things like “quarter till.” When people say almost, let’s say, six, what do they mean by almost. Is it five fifty or five forty or five thirty or five fifty five, what is the time they are saying? That doesn’t tell me anything. Even Mom doesn’t know either and tells me I am asking the wrong person. I could remember asking someone what the time was and they said quarter to four and I asked again what do they mean and she said ‘quarter to four’ again and I said “What is quarter to four and she said it means a quarter. Knowing that she will not tell me, I went to my mom and said “what is quarter to four” and she said “I have no idea, ask someone who knows these code words and I would like to kill the idiot who made up this bizarre language.” I remember Mom was in a bad mood when she said that so she yelled it and then Brian told me it was only three forty something telling me the real time. Dad told me the “idiot” who made up the strange language is already dead because people have been talking this way for ages so Mom has no way of killing the person. I had to go upstairs to my room again to grab another cloth diaper. I changed in the bathroom again and had an accident while I was putting it on. None of it went down my legs because the diaper absorbed it all. I just left it on and put my pants back on and brought the wet diaper to the laundry sink. Mom was already in there. “That’s a lot of diapers already I have to wash,” said Mom. She was already wringing out my diapers and putting them in the washing machine. She told me to rinse out my diaper and put it in the machine. I rinsed it out and stuck it in the machine. Mom set the setting to hot and set the other setting to heavy and pulled it and the water turned on and Mom got some soap and put it in the machine and closed the lid. I saw the normal setting on the dial. Like Mrs. Dorsell said, normal was a setting on the washing machine. Then I saw Kelly in the kitchen when I came out of the laundry room. I could tell she had been up because she was already dressed and her hair was brushed and pulled back. She walked to the fridge and I just went upstairs. I decided to get on the computer. Up early means more free time before school. I turned on the computer and waited for it to load. When the Windows came on, I signed onto AOL after it was done loading everything. I was just signing onto shockwave when Kelly came back in the room. I heard Mom and Dad leaving. “Do you want to do a little makeup party?” Kelly asked. “What’s that?” I asked. Keep your eyes on the computer screen and do not look until I say so, it’s a surprise.” I didn’t look and just focused on going to Daily Jigsaw. I heard Kelly get something out and then she told me, “Okay.” “Can I look now?” I asked. “I said yes,” she said. I must not have heard her. I turned and she had some makeup with her. So that is what she meant. “Where did you get those?” I asked. “I bought them with Mackenzie,” she said. “When?” “After I baby sat yesterday. We both went to Fred Meyer with her mother because she needed some stuff. At least Mom doesn’t care.” The tone she said it in didn’t sound good at all. “Is that a bad thing she doesn’t care?” I asked. Kelly shrugged. “A makeup party is when I put makeup on you and show you in the mirror when I am done,” she explained. “Boring,” I said. “You used to play it all the time, come on, this will be fun. Think of this from when you were little when you used to play with it and Mom would always make you wash it off and chase you with a rag when you didn’t and she would tackle you to the floor and sit on you to wipe it off.” “I was five and six when she did that, I can’t believe you still remember,” I said. I was maybe eight when I last did it when I had play makeup and then I stopped doing it. “Remember when we played it together and we always used up our makeup?” Kelly asked. “Remember when we used to draw on the mirror too with our lipsticks and Mom hated that?” “Yes,” I said. I remember I got that idea from Veronica when she decided to draw on our bathroom mirror one time and it looked fun so I did it too and kept on doing it no matter how many times Mom got mad about it. I did it whenever I had lipstick. “Well we won’t be doing that this time, only make up,” said Kelly. “But I want to do the computer,” I said. “Come on, only until I leave for school,” said Kelly. “But I don’t like it on me,” I said. “You can always wash it off when we’re done. Please, I want a sister to do this with, I can’t do it with Mom but at least there’s you.” “Why can’t you do it with Mom?” I asked. “She knows nothing about it, she doesn’t even wear it, she only knows face painting but not make up.” Mom has done face painting at our neighborhood picnics our neighborhood does every summer and she has even painted Michael’s face and other kids who don’t like me and have been mean to me. Then I would hear nice comments about her paintings she’s done and Kelly, Matthew, and I were all expected to wait in line like everyone else. Mom refused to give out special treatment just because we are her children. She even did it at my school once when we did a carnival back in fifth grade. It cost some money to play games or buy tickets and Mom also refused to do it for free to us kids. So I have learned kids don’t get special treatment from someone just because they are their mom or dad. “It would mean so much to me if you do it,” said Kelly. “Why?” “Because other girls at my school have sisters they can do makeup with and you’re the only sister I have.” “But I don’t know much about makeup,” I said. “So, neither do the kids at my school and they still play with it with their little sisters or older ones, that is how we all learn. But Mom is too behind and she thinks makeup is un needed but I bet she will look so much nicer if she wore some but she says it makes her skin uncomfortable or feels too funny or it gets on her hands when she rubs her lips or face and she couldn’t keep it on all day. Remember when she gave some to us?” I remembered the time when Mom gave us her real makeup she got from someone and she didn’t want it so she gave it to us because it’s not polite to decline a gift. You have to say “thank you” and Mom sure learned her lesson about telling others about giving her gift away to someone. You have to lie to avoid hurt feelings and being the bad guy. People might get upset if you tell them you gave your gift they gave you to someone. Then they treat you like you are a bad person for what you did. So you have to like the gift. I feel so guilty about whining about getting things I didn’t like over the years. So in therapy I have learned to appreciate the thought of someone getting me something and being happy for that instead of the gift. I learned to be happy that someone got me a gift. Mom told me when she was a kid, she would always get in trouble for not liking a gift so she had to learn to like them so over the years she would get things she didn’t need and would have them sitting in her room for years and years never using them until Dad started telling her if she isn’t going to use them, give them away and it’s okay to give away gifts after a while and she asked how long is a while and Dad said three months so Mom waited three months to give us the makeup. Then when she told that story months later after it happened, people got offended by it and my mom said she had it for three months and then she gave it to her daughters to play with. Three months is the minimum to give away your gifts or else everyone would be hanging onto things your kids outgrew or that have worn out or have stuff they don’t even use so it’s packed away in their home. Dad told me everyone just thought “That’s just Anita.” Then Mom told me people lie to avoid hurting other peoples’ feelings and so they don’t feel bad about themselves for hurting their feelings. Never tell anyone you gave away their gift. But at least we can be honest with her about if we liked something or not so she won’t buy it for us again and things can always be returned. It’s called learning from your mistakes. Mom made a mistake talking about the makeup she got and she didn’t even wear makeup so she waited three months to give it to her daughters to play with and the people she told it to gossiped about it and the word got to the person about it and she was hurt. Just a reason why she doesn’t like to talk to people, they can’t keep things to themselves and people can’t be trusted. I am not sure who the person was that gave her makeup and who the people were Mom was talking to. This was back when we were all little when Matthew was still in diapers. “Yes,” I said to Kelly. “I remember.” “And it was so much fun playing with real makeup. Hey I want to see how this nail polish looks on you, sit down here.” Kelly pointed to the floor. I got up and sat down where she pointed. Kelly opened up the nail polish and it was dark pink. It had glitter in it. She told me to hold my hand out. She didn’t say what hand to hold out so I held out my right hand. Kelly was sitting in front of me in crisscross applesauce. I sat in the same position. Kelly started to polish my nails. We kept talking about the makeup Mom gave us and the lesson she learned from telling others about giving it away to us and how long we can keep our gifts before we get rid of them. Kelly said she would rather pretend to like the gifts than like them. I didn’t even get why she would do that. I couldn’t imagine lying about it. “The whole purpose of it is to pretend to like them to make the person happy and think of it as acting class,” said Kelly. “You don’t want to hurt their feelings do you? It shows them how much you care.” Kelly finished my nails and told me to give her my other hand. I held out my left hand. Kelly started to polish my nails. The pain about it is having to wait for them to dry before I do anything else. That was why I always hated getting them polished but yet I always enjoyed the feeling of the brush on my nails and it touching my skin so I always got them done anyway just so I could enjoy that feeling. Then when she was done, she wanted to do my face to see how I looked in makeup. I kept both my hands on the rug. Kelly took out some stuff, I don’t know any names for this stuff since I know nothing about makeup. She opened the thing and took out a small brush and dabbed it on the make up and started to put it on my face. It felt good but I knew this stuff would start bothering me. But the smell, I liked the smell. “I just hope this won’t be too much for our mom’s nose,” said Kelly. “I am going to wash it off,” I said. “I wonder how she will react when she sees I got all this, I will just say we’re playing with it just like from when we were little. Just because she doesn’t wear it, she thinks we don’t need to wear it.” “You’re only twelve,” I said. “That is too young for makeup.” When I was in fourth grade I remember some girls were already wearing makeup and Mom and Dad said they were in a rush to grow up. I didn’t want to wear any then because I was not comfortable and it meant growing up and Mom said I didn’t need to wear it and I am was too young for it and I shouldn’t rush to grow up. Who lets their kids wear it in elementary school? Now I think twelve is too young since I have passed that age. I also feel thirteen is too young and fourteen. I bet when I am eighteen I will feel fifteen is too young and sixteen and seventeen. I wonder if I will still feel that way at age forty about twenty year olds wearing makeup. Then I have learned make up is used to cover up zits and pimples and bruises and models will use it to cover up their dark circles under their eyes when they are starving themselves to be thin and some women who get abused by their husbands will use it to cover their bruises. But this is not the only reason why women wear it. “I’ll be thirteen in a few weeks,” said Kelly. “But when you get to my age, you will look back and realize how young ten is or twelve and you will think how thirteen was too young for makeup,” I said. “When I was six, I thought nine was a big kid and then I got past that age and now I think it’s a little kid, I think the same about twelve year olds. But I don’t even feel my age, I feel younger like ten or something. Makes me think I must be retarded and the other kids were right all along.” “You’re being a teen now,” said Kelly. “How?” I asked. “This,” said Kelly looking down at her makeup. “But I played with it when I was little,” I said. “I must have been acting like a teen then too.” “Only with play makeup, this is real makeup,” said Kelly. “But we played with the ones Mom gave us,” I pointed out. “Okay, we were playing teens then and Mom gave it to us just to get rid of it because she didn’t want the giftt.” “So,” I said. Kelly finished my face and then she decided she wanted to do my lips so she put lipstick on me. My face already started to feel uncomfortable. I wanted to scratch it but then I would get make up all over my hands. Then Kelly got up and told me she would be right back. I sat here and waited and I felt heat on my face from the makeup. I dabbed it with my finger to see if any got on it. Then I had to keep it away from my pajamas. Then Kelly came back with a rag and she sat back down and started to wipe my face. The rag was warm. I told her to wipe my finger because I got some makeup on it. She wiped it but I told her to wipe the tip of it. She did and set it on the floor. I thought she was done but instead she picked up the brush again and picked a different color and she also had a dry hand towel and she told me to dry my face. I did and she started to put make up on my face again. I wondered why she was doing this. I was like her doll and she was playing with it. “Why are you doing this?” I asked. “Because I want someone to play makeup with and I know Mom won’t.” “Have you asked?” I said. “No.” “Why not?” “Because she is never there for me, she doesn’t have a clue,” said Kelly. And then she went on about Mom again. “She doesn’t even understand a white lie and at the beginning of the school year I came downstairs wearing this dress I got with my baby sitting money and the first thing Mom said is “Are you sure you want to wear that? It makes your body looks you know” and I said “Mom” and she said “what?” and I just walked away and she didn’t even have a clue what she did wrong.” “What did she do?” I asked. “You don’t know either,” she said. “She said I looked fat in that dress, she couldn’t even tell me I looked good in it or something. I could tell she was trying to find a “polite” way of saying it but there is no polite way. Then Dad told me she was just trying to help and she didn’t want me to go out looking like that so she told me and be thankful we have a mom who doesn’t lie to make us feel better and have us humiliate ourselves and she didn’t think I would want to look that way so she told me.” “Mom tells me my butt always looks big in something,” I said. “See she does it to you too and does it even bother you?” “It’s the truth so why would it,” I said. “If you still had friends and went over to their homes and saw how their mothers interacted with them and talked to them, you would notice a difference with our mother and them and know how much our mom is off and you would realize you don’t have what other girls have from your mother.” “I already know she is different,” I said. “Kids for one always told me she was retarded. I see how she dresses and seewhat other moms wear. I have never seen another mom freak out or getting on the ground or covering their ears, or seeing other moms not interact with other parents or start waving their arms in the air when stressed out or upset or rocking themselves or getting upset with change.” “Or them not acting retarded at Safeway because some lady had more than nine items,” said Kelly. “Eight,” I said. “Eight,” Kelly corrected herself. “Mom and Dad don’t allow that word.” “What? Retarded? Other kids use that word and their moms don’t even care and ours does. Maybe because they didn’t grow up being different and being mistaken as being retarded so Mom can’t even grasp it does not mean what she thinks it means and it’s just a figure of speech.” Kelly finished putting makeup on my face. “Also other moms work and do their share of the house and paying the bills and do lot of stuff and our mom doesn’t.” “She cleans and takes care of us,” I said. “Dad does almost everything and it’s so embarrassing to talk about our mom and everyone else gets to talk about theirs so I stay quiet about ours unless she has done something cool or went to one of my games but I can’t even tell them she is the loudest cheerer and doesn’t stand still so I tell her to just to go home and I don’t need her to be there to watch me play and I will tell her all about it when I get home and I will get a ride home and she listens. Now she has stopped coming to my games for good. I think she has finally gotten the hint I prefer her to not be there.” “Why didn’t you just tell her you don’t want her at any of your games?” I asked. “Because then it might have hurt her feelings. I am at an age now where I am on my own,” said Kelly picking up another tiny brush and dabbing it and brought it to my eyes. “Close them,” she said. I closed mine and asked, “Why?” “Mom isn’t even there for me. I can’t even talk to her and she always starts talking about herself and her life and childhood and then she will start talking about her books or what she saw on TV not even knowledge what I say to her and when I tell her about my problems, she just stands there and says nothing and when I would ask her for advice, she said she didn’t have any and she never gives me support. Instead she will start asking about what I was doing and why I did this or that, why did the other kid did this or that, she will also say other kids are stupid or my teachers whenever I would tell her about an argument I got with them or a disagreement. She thinks everyone is stupid.” Kelly rubbed the makeup on my eye lids. “Also whenever I didn’t have any friends to play with because they were all gone or couldn’t play, she would tell me I didn’t need them and I could do things here and she started giving me options and telling me I didn’t need friends for it, especially when no one showed up for my birthday because I had to be born right before Christmas, Mom told me she doesn’t see why kids need birthday parties. They are too loud and noisy and she didn’t even have one as a kid and she was happy without one but her sister always had them when she was a teen and she hated them because she had too many people over and they were all in her room and they got too loud and they touched her stuff and moved them and they all smelled funny. She doesn’t get it Natalie. She thinks she is being supportive but the truth is she sucks at it and doesn’t even know how to do it. I have no mother. I hope you do better than her when you ever have kids.” “When I tried having a party once, I hated it,” I said. “It was so out of control and loud and all the kids thought Mom was too bossy and mean but she tried keeping it all calm for me and kids didn’t like it. Then I remember her telling me having a party is not my thing and next time invite a few kids only. But I never had one again.” “Mom wants everything quiet. She doesn’t like to hear us yell or scream, didn’t want us to play loud, didn’t want Brian having too many friends over and they all had to stay in his room or in the den. Didn’t want a sports party here either.” “You can have it at other peoples houses,” I said. “You mean rent their home for party space,” said Kelly. “No I mean decide to have a party at a friend’s house and your friend does it there for you,” I said. “Remember how Mom used to separate us whenever we got too loud for her, she would keep one of us in the same room as her and send the other two in separate rooms so we would all be quiet.” “I can’t believe I forgot about that,” I said. “I always thought it was a punishment.” “Me too,” said Kelly. “I remember thinking what did I do wrong to get sent to my room or get kicked out of the room. I was just playing a board game. I got kicked out for that? Now I know that was just Mom’s weird parenting.” “Well you know now,” I said. “Yes but I realize I got in trouble for being a kid and she wanted us to be little adults.” “If she did, she would have been expecting us to go get jobs and drive a car and get ourselves up for school and ready and buy our own food and clothes.” “No I mean not be so loud or hyper and having fun.” “You can have fun without being loud,” I said. “Kids don’t need to scream when they run or play games.” “But it’s the joy of being a kid, screaming is fun and Mom made it out to be a bad thing and told us all the other parents were lazy and let their kids act that way because they don’t do their jobs as parents so they let them be loud and they kick them out of the house instead if they can’t stand them being noisy. I remember her threatening to kick us out in the rain if we wouldn’t stop being loud.” “We have the front porch,” I said. “I can’t believe you are agreeing with our mother,” said Kelly. “I think you’re being silly,” I said. “None of this is a big deal and you can have fun without screaming and making too much noise and if you don’t listen, you get a consequence.” “Why even have kids if you are going to expect them to be quiet all the time and not have fun.” “You can have fun and not be so loud, I keep telling you that,” I said. “Everything is loud to Mom’s ears I wonder what she did about us when we cried when we were babies.” Now I was curious what Mom did to us when we were that young. How did she deal with Brian when he cried a lot? No way can you tell a baby to stop crying because it’s hurting your ears because they won’t listen, they are too young. “I also remember Mom would sometimes get mad at me for getting hurt and she would say I was fine and leave me be and tell me to stop crying, there was no hugging or kissing my boo boo,” said Kelly. “I also remember when I fell off my bike, Mom yelled at me about why wasn’t I wearing a helmet and she went on about how lucky I was I didn’t get hurt that bad and how I didn’t hit my head and end up in the hospital getting brain damage and cracking my skull open.” “You were stupid,” I said. “Yeah but she could have at least been supportive instead of critical. I mean what if I got mugged, would she get mad at me for being there when it happened?” “If it’s Central Park at night,” I said. “It’s not just your mother, I notice other people like to blame things on people when bad stuff happens to them like ‘how can that girl have been so stupid, drinking at a party and then she got raped. She was so stupid.’ ‘That person was so stupid he didn’t even lock his car door.’ ‘That kid was so stupid to bring his CD player to school so it got stolen. He was so stupid to be leaving it unattended so someone stole it.’ I hear that talk a lot in school and I once overheard a teacher tell her student she shouldn’t have left her homework out for her baby brother to get to and chew up and the student protested she got a phone call and left her homework on the coffee table, was she supposed to bring it with her and the teacher said was it even an emergency when they called. They compare it all to that lady who spilled hot coffee on herself and sued Mickey D’s for it and got millions of dollars from them.” “Now that is stupid,” I said. “The lady knew the coffee was hot and she spilled it on herself and decides to sue McDonalds. Now I see warnings there about hot coffee being hot.” “Dad says she wanted money because this is America. You can sue over your own stupidity to get money. You can break into someone’s home and trip over something and get hurt and sue the owners and win in court.” “Stupid,” I said. “At least we are agreeing on something,” said Kelly. “Mom could stop at Starbucks for a hot cup of coffee and she spills it and sues the company. That will help us out a lot for what Dad did.” “Cool, I should tell her that so she knows a way of making extra money,” I said. “No don’t, forget I said that,” Kelly said quickly. “But at least we’ll have money and we can keep our cable and internet and our normal life and we could use the money to pay off all the fines Dad owes.” “But it’s wrong to be dishonest and sue for your mistake just so you can get out of debt.” “But we’re allowed to sue for anything,” I said. “It doesn’t make it right and you know that. We do it because they let us and that is how lawyers make their money so why do you think so many people hate them and make jokes about them? Dad says this stuff doesn’t happen where he is from because laws are different there and they make jokes about us. We are a laughing stock to other countries. Sometimes one of Dad’s brothers will call him on the phone and make fun of us and tease him about it. He even asked Dad once if he had done an American thing yet and Dad will say he drove on the other side of the road, our side, and used our American terms and ate our food, and he knew what he meant but he was just being a smart ass to give him a hard time.” “I bet our country is scary to live in for other people who don’t live here,” I said. “I don’t even want to go to China because of what they do to kids there. I would hate to get whipped if I did something that is illegal there that isn’t illegal here and I get punished for it because I didn’t know.” Kelly was finished putting make up on me because she said she had to leave now for the bus and she thanked me for being a normie and having a normal conversation with her. I felt better and surprised at the compliment. “Thanks,” I said. “Even if I was on Mom’s side?” “Just take the compliment and don’t leave,” said Kelly. “Oh kay,” I said. “I wish you could be a normie all the time instead of it coming and going,” said Kelly. “Yeah me too,” I said. Kelly put her make up away and left her bedroom and I just sat here. Why did she not want me to leave? I will have to when I get ready and go to school. I grabbed the rag and wiped off the makeup. I left on the nail polish. I sniffed my nails to smell the polish. I got back on the computer and looked at the corner of the screen. It was only seven thirty eight. I felt a little better. Kelly wishes for me to be a normie so that meant she will let me be a normie and not treat me different. I could be a normal sister to her and do normal stuff with her to be a normie. I missed the days we would play together. Now it feels she is my big sister and I feel retarded because of it. But yet she is a little kid and I feel seventh grade is too young for makeup. I could hear Mom getting Matthew up for school. I heard her kick over something. “Mom, I worked hard building that!” Mathew yelled. “If you would keep this room cleaned and let me help you keep it clean, I wouldn’t be stumbling over stuff,” said Mom. I giggled. I told you he never learns his lesson. Good thing I keep my stuff picked up and out of the way where people walk and me. Matthew was crying over his building being knocked over and Mom told him he could fix it after he got dressed and has had breakfast if he didn’t take too long. But he kept crying and crying and Mom kept talking to him. Then I heard her suggest he build his fort somewhere else in is room like in the corner away from his bed and dresser and closet and where she walks so it won’t happen again. Soon Mom came in Kelly’s room with one of my diapers and my clothes and told me to get ready for school and dumped my stuff on the floor and then said I can do the computer again after I am done getting ready and I better be ready by eight twenty. Mom left the room. My clothes and diaper sat on the floor. I did more of the computer finishing up the Daily Jigsaw and I saw it was already past eight. I had to get ready. I got out of the chair and picked up my stuff and headed to the bathroom. I took off my nightshirt and plastic pants and wet diaper. I unfolded the clean diaper and put it on. Yay no accident. But I didn’t put on any rash cream or wipe my bottom. Just great. I didn’t think I would have time to take it off and ask my mom for rash cream and wipes and retape it on again. So I just got dressed and went downstairs. I had some breakfast since I had time. Matthew was eating his Fruit Loops. He was digging in his bowl and I realized he was eating the red ones. “Okay Matthew, time to get your teeth brushed,” said Mom. Matthew kept on eating as Mom went upstairs. She came back down and brushed his teeth at the table. Matthew kept reaching for his cereal. “Keep your head like this,” said Mom jerking his head up facing her. Matthew turned his head and Mom kept a hold of his face. Matthew fussed and squirmed and complained about seeing her face so Mom told him to close his eyes so he wouldn’t see her. Matthew also doesn’t like to look at peoples faces. I never thought about closing my eyes so next time someone tells me to look at them, I will close my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see their face. I got finished eating and I took my odor pill and went upstairs. I brushed my teeth and I had to go in my room to look for my hair brush. I could hear Mom still getting Matthew ready. I found my hairbrush on my dresser and I brushed my hair. It took two seconds (I am not sure how long, I am just guessing) and I went back to the computer. I was all ready. I got onto the story board when Mom called my name saying it was time to leave. “Okay,” I said. I saw a post and I had to click it but the computer took too long. I sometimes hate waiting a few minutes for it to load when I have to get off. I tapped my leg and my fingers on the desk. “Natalie,” Mom called. “Hold on,” I shouted. “Now,” Mom shouted. “We can’t be late for school.” Then I heard her ask Matthew if he can get to the bus on his own. “Where’s my lunch?” he said. The page finally loaded and I saw the post. I skimmed the story to see what it was but I didn’t have time to read it all. I finally left the computer and didn’t turn it off. Mom can just sign off for me. I got my backpack and realized I didn’t have my diapers. “Mom, I need diapers,” I shouted. Mom came upstairs and went in her room and gave me four diapers. “I only need two,” I said. Mom just tossed two at me and tossed the other two in her room and closed the door. I put them in my backpack and I went downstairs. I got my binder and then I remembered game exchange day. “Oh, I forgot something,” I said. Mom sighed. “You guys, can’t you two be ready when we leave?” “It took you two hours to get ready for school when you were little,” I pointed out. I ran upstairs to my room and grabbed my games that were sitting in a drawer in the hallway. Mom called me again. I grabbed my Game Boy too and ran downstairs with all my games. I stuck them in my backpack. “Mom, I need my tenna shoes,” said Matthew. Mom sighed again. “Can’t you wear the ones you left in the garage?” “No, I want to wear my tenna shoes,” said Matthew. Mom grunted and went to the closet. “We’re going to be late,” she said. “Ooo careful Matthew or Mom might have her breakdown again,” I said. Matthew grabbed my shirt and tugged at it. “Hey, what was that for?” I said. He didn’t answer so I grabbed him back. He grabbed my arms and I kept a hold of him. Then he started pinching me so I pinched him. “Enough you two,” Mom shouted when she found his shoes. “No beating each other up.” “We’re not,” said Matthew. “It’s just an exaggerated term parents use when kids grab each other or play rough or do any aggressive behavior,” Mom explained. Mom then told Matthew to sit so she can put his shoes on. They were just Velcro. Matthew sat down in a chair instead and Mom got on the floor and started putting them on. I just swung my body side to side as I waited. Then I took my backpack off and just started to swing it back and forth to pass time. Then Mom was done and she pulled Matthew off the chair. Mom looked at the time and said “Shit, we missed the bus, now I have to take you to school,” said Mom. Right after she said that, we all heard the bus drive by our house to the bus stop. “My bus,” Matthew cried. “Next time don’t stall,” said Mom. “Learn to be quicker.” “But Grandma says you were slow too every morning and she had to get you dressed and put your shoes on and make sure you brushed your teeth and remembered to pee and give you your breakfast,” said Matthew. “I had problems too,” said Mom. “I want you two to do better than me.” Mom grabbed Matthew coat on the way out and I just put my feet in my shoes and got in the minivan in the front seat. I had my coat with me too and my binder. Mom put her shoes on as she stepped out the door. They were just slip on shoes that were all worn. It even had a hole in the front where her toe could pop out. Matthew got in the back seat and Mom shut the door and got in on the driver’s side. “Okay you two, we need to come up with a better way to be more organized before school because with the two of you, it’s really hard,” said Mom after we pulled out of our garage and driveway. “At least Kelly can get herself ready, so any ideas how to be ready before school?” Mom asked. Matthew and I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. Matthew must have felt the same way because he said nothing either. “I can’t wait until Natalie takes the van to school again,” said Mathew. “Actually Matthew, I would like you to get yourself ready for school every morning without me having to do it for you. Just because I never learned it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. If I liked jumping off roofs, would it be okay for you to do it too?” said Mom. “You would get hurt if you did that,” said Matthew. “Bad example, I always touched myself inappropriately around people until high school, does that mean you both should do it until that age?” “You did that?” Matthew asked. “Yes I did.” “Wow,” said Matthew. I pictured Mom touching herself down there on a sidewalk while walking around with her family. I couldn’t imagine seeing someone my age doing that. “Just because I almost killed my brother or peed my pant or wet the bed doesn’t mean you should do those things too,” said Mom. “Or just because I was in diapers until age five doesn’t mean all of you kids should have been in them until that age or just because I talked late doesn’t mean all of you kids shouldn’t have talked sooner or be aggressive just because I was or if a parent is gay doesn’t mean they should teach their kids to be gay because we sure don’t teach our kids to be straight.” “Uh Mom we do because it’s everywhere,” I said. “It’s in movies and books, everywhere so we all learn we are supposed to marry another guy and boys learn they are supposed to marry another woman and how often do we see gay people in movies?” “That’s a bad fallacy because we were talking about just because you did things doesn’t mean we should so you are saying if you’re gay, we shouldn’t be gay or if you’re straight, we shouldn’t be straight,” said Matthew. “Huh?” I asked. “I never said that.” “No, I was talking to Mom.” “Now I’m lost,” said Mom. “You’re going the right way Mom, just keep going straight,” said Matthew. “No, I meant in the conversation, you got me lost.” “Never mind,” said Matthew. “Why is it bad to be gay?” I asked. “I don’t think it’s bad,” said Mom. “It’s just weird.” “But why does everyone think it is?” I asked. “It’s all religion,” said Mom. I don’t get religion and never had. “Why does religion make people hate gays?” Matthew asked. “Because they believe it’s a sin to god,” said Mom. “Why?” I asked. “Because their church says it’s a sin and people follow what their church teaches them.” I still didn’t understand any of this stuff. Why must people go to church? Why must people follow what their church tells them to do and believe in? I got told online not too long ago that you’re going to the wrong church if they are teaching you homophobia. That is what they call it when people hate homosexuals. There are different churches out there and not all of them teach you that homosexuality is wrong and just because a church teaches you something doesn’t mean you have to follow it and if you don’t like what they are teaching, go to another church. People are responsible for what they follow and people may be using religion as an excuse to justify their bigotry so if they say it’s against the bible, it’s an excuse. I remember when Michael Scott made up his own religion so he said it was against his religion to apologize and be nice to people like me. I wanted to make up my own religion but my parents don’t allow religion in their house. My religion would have been playing computer and video game and no homework when I was little and having free time all the time and no school and I have to get everything I want for Christmas. It would be against my religion to not get what I want for Christmas. I don’t know why people call it a religion. I remember when I was little, kids around the neighborhood were making up their own religion to get out of doing things and I started to make up my own and my parents wouldn’t allow it. I just thought religion was something you made up but now I know it’s a god thing. There is catholic, Mormon, Lutheran, and what else? You pick one of those and follow the rules about it like how to live your life and what to believe in. I would never want a religion because I want to live my life however I want and believe whatever I want without being told what to believe in and what I can’t believe in and what I can and can’t do. I would like to be straight because then no one will look down on me or be mean to me for being a lesbian. So if I am straight, other people won’t have another reason to hate me and be mean to me. So I will date guys instead and kiss them only. Plus I want to have kids so I will need a guy for that and you can’t have sex with another girl to make a baby. I do have a feeling no one will let me adopt if I was a lesbian. Then Mom pulled into the school parking lot and parked in the front. “Okay Matthew, get out,” said Mom. Matthew slowly scooted himself across the seats. “Matthew, now or I am pulling you out,” said Mom. Matthew picked up some speed and he slowly opened the sliding door. Mom took off her seatbelt and Matthew sped up and got out and closed the door. Mom still went around the van and looked at the door and Matthew walked into the school. Mom came back in the car and drove off. I noticed I had something on my shirt I didn’t see before. How did it get here? Oh great now I will be going to school in a dirty shirt. I hate wearing dirty clothes. “Mom, how did you deal with us when we were babies whenever we cried?” I asked. “Took care of you,” she said. “But how did you deal with us crying?” “Gave you what you needed to make you stop.” “But what if we didn’t stop crying?” I asked. “That was rare, you kids usually stopped crying when you were fed or changed or wanted to be picked up or held or be left be or wanted out of your crib after your nap.” “But you said Brian cried a lot, how did you deal with him?” “It was very hard, he had colic. He would never stop crying and I was on my own when I was home alone with him and I didn’t want another child.” “What about whenever me, Kelly, or Matthew wouldn’t stop crying?” “Dad helped or Brian.” “What about when you were alone?” I asked. “Then I did my best.” “So how come you couldn’t deal with us being loud anymore when we were little.” “You were older and understood and capable of being quiet so I didn’t need to put up with it anymore. Back when I was a kid, kids were seen, not heard. Now it’s not like that anymore so now you have to let them be loud and noisy now and let them run around in malls and public places and scream in restaurants, unacceptable. I wasn’t allowed to have a tantrum in public or scream or I would have been taken home or taken out of there and made to sit in the car. They did the same with John too, never took him anywhere either and one of my parents would stay out in the car with him. Parents have gotten so lazy these days it actually scares me what today is turning into but it has gotten better in ways and worse in other ways. My young siblings grew up in front of the TV and I didn’t and neither did my older siblings or Bridgett.” “How come?” I asked. “They didn’t have cable then and it was something new in the seventies and I wasn’t interested in TV and I watched some shows on it and we always played outside and my parents didn’t get cable until the eighties. They also didn’t have VCRs when I was a kid or video games and my parents got their first VCR when Celeste was about ten and they always rented movies and recorded them because movies were expensive. Wait, my little siblings were watching lot of TV in the seventies before they had cable. They would watch the regular channels and then my mother would kick them outside or shut the TV off if they were watching too much of it. She even told me how one of her neighbors modified it so it will be on a timer how much they could watch a day and once the minutes were used up, the TV would shut off and not turn back on until the next day.” For some reason I found it funny. “Maybe we should do that with your Nintendo and computer,” said Mom. “No!” I said. “Just kidding,” said Mom and she laughed. “I once heard another story about a single father got tired of his kids watching lot of TV and fighting over what shows to watch so he modified it and made the TV only turn on when powered by a bike.” “How did that solve it?” I asked. ‘’If they wanted to watch TV, they’d have to ride on the bike to get the TV to work and stay on and give it enough power and keep the same pace and not slow down or the TV would shut off.” “But how did it stop the fighting?” “Whoever wanted to watch TV had to ride the bike and it was hard work so it made them not watch lot of TV and they quit fighting over what shows to watch.” “How hard is it to ride a bike?” I asked. “It was an exercise bike, try riding it fast and see how fast you get tired. See if you could keep doing it for a half hour or more while watching your shows or your movie and it has to be twenty or fifteen miles per hour. If you go slower than that, the TV shuts off.” “When did that happen?” “The seventies. I was a young adult then when I read about it and I thought then the father was lazy because couldn’t he tell his kids no and to tell them to stop but instead he found an easier solution but now I think it was clever and it’s not always easy when you have to be the bad guy and having to referee. I saw my mom doing that a lot and I saw how hard work it was for her and I knew then having lot of kids was tons of work. That is why I never wanted that many kids and end up like her so I got my tubes cut after I had Matthew. I was done having kids and I didn’t want to be thirty seven and have another baby or forty or now.” I was glad Mom decided to not have anymore because I can’t imagine more people sleeping in my room and sharing it with Kelly was enough and I wonder which one of us would get out own room again and what if Mom still had more. Then how many would be sleeping in each room? “Mom,” I said again. “Would you ever play makeup with Kelly if she wanted you too?” “I suppose. It washes off, why do you ask?” “Kelly had some makeup she got last night and she put some on me this morning,” I said. “She said she wanted someone to do it with so she picked me because other kids at her school have sisters to do it with. She said you don’t get makeup so you wouldn’t be able to do it with her so I asked her if she’s even asked you if you want to do it with her and she said no and she won’t even ask you because she thinks you’re never there for her…” I told her the rest Kelly told me. I was hoping to improve their relationship. If Mom knew how Kelly felt and what she thought, she would talk to her and then Kelly would start asking her to do makeup with her and I also mentioned about her being a loudest cheerer at the game and how it bothered Kelly so she didn’t want her at her games anymore and she couldn’t be bothered to tell her she didn’t want her there so instead she had to tell her she can get a ride home and she didn’t need her to be there and she got the hint finally. Mom just sighed and rolled her eyes. “Why did you do that?” I asked. “I can’t even make her happy,” said Mom. “I worry I am ruining all you kids.” I was shocked at what I just heard. “How are you ruining us?’ I asked. “I worry Kelly is the way she is because of me and Brian is depressed because of me and I worry you and Matthew are the way you are because of me and what if your father is right? I hope you guys don’t grow up and be all screwed up because of me and need therapy. I have heard stories by people who were raised by mentally ill parents or parents who had problems and they suffer from it as adults and Brian moved out but I know it was because he got a girlfriend and he and her wanted to live together and be closer to school and he is busy with school and work so we never see him and he wanted to be with his girlfriend so he went to her parents for Thanksgiving. I do miss him but kids do grow up and move out and live their lives. I hope Kelly doesn’t grow up to have problems because I couldn’t be the mom she wanted and I do try. I just pretend she has special needs and I know how hard work it is to be a parent to a special needs kid and there are books out there about raising a normal teenager but it doesn’t seem to be working. I see nothing out there telling me how exactly to care for her needs. But she is in therapy now so I hope that helps. I hear lot of teens need counseling. My mother told me she can’t imagine how tough it must be to grow up in a family that is all different than you and it’s all in reverse because she is the only one normal and her father is an alcoholic and has OCD.” “He doesn’t drink anymore so he isn’t anymore,” I said. “No, he still is and always will be. If he starts to drink again, he will go right back to drinking. People will always be one even if they quit because they will relapse if they have a sip. So if you father decides to stay away from it after he finishes his counseling and community service and probation, he will still be an alcoholic but he will be a recovered alcoholic.” “I have an idea how Dad can get out of his mess he put us through, you can spill some hot coffee on yourself and sue the place for it,” I said. “No,” said Mom. “But this is America, you can sue for money,” I said. “And do you know what happens?” Mom asked. “It affects other people. They would all have to suffer because of one stupid person. If someone got hurt at McDonalds on the toy and they got sued for it, they can just take them all out of their restaurants and kids will no longer be able to play there. I hear that’s what happened with Burger King so they took out all their playgrounds all because someone got hurt. See how it affects everyone?” “Yes,” I said. I was wondering why all the Burger Kings here took them all out. “I don’t know if that is what happened but that is just an example of how everyone else has to suffer if that is what happened,” said Mom. “Would you like to get sued if someone tried to mug you so you defended yourself and he sued you because he didn’t have a weapon and he wasn’t going to harm you?” “No,” I said. “Well I have heard those things have happened before. Even rapists have sued their victims because they got a disease from them and their victim didn’t even tell them they were infected or because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time or because they didn’t fight hard enough to stop them.” I was shocked and disgusted. I hoped they lost in court. “So just because we can sue doesn’t mean we should,” said Mom. “Wanna know why we have laws, because it became a problem so they had to make them to protect people. Sadly we don’t have a law about filing lawsuits because lawyers want money and that is why everyone hates lawyers. So just because there is no law about something doesn’t make it okay.” Then we were at my school and I got out and Mom told me to have a nice day and she drove off and I went into the school. When I got inside, I noticed Allie on my way to my locker and she wanted me to follow her. I noticed she had on her winter coat and she just wanted me to come with her because she wanted to show me something. I got excited hoping she was going to tell me what I thought it was. I followed her into the bathroom and we went into the handicapped stall and she pulled her pants out to show me. I peeked down and saw she had on a purple diaper. Remembering what Mom had told me, I pretended to be ignorant. “Where did you get it? Did you steal it again?” “No, my mom decided I had to wear them for a month and she thought I was stealing them so she decided if I want to wear them, it has to be for a month.” “Allie, please be honest with me and I don’t like it when people lie to me and it makes me mad when you don’t tell the truth,” I said. “Now be honest or I will try and pull your pants down in front of everyone.” “I will do the same to you,” said Allie. I was stumped. I couldn’t show off her diaper to anyone or she would do it back to me. “I will not be friends with a liar,” I said. “Either you be honest or you’re not my friend. What’s more important, a lie or me?” “Okay, I did take some of your diapers. I was curious about them and I did take one while you were at my house and my mom found out and decided on this punishment. She said I wanted to wear diapers, I will get to see what it’s like having to wear them and I am not allowed to use any toilets and she is keeping them all locked so I won’t cheat.” “Great,” I said. “Great as in oh great or great as in oh great,” she said in a more excited tone. “I can’t tell which.” “Oh great,” I said in an excited tone. “Not so loud,” said Allie. “Why is this great?” “You will get to see what it’s like having to wear them and see how you like that and how fun it really is,” I said. Then I walked out of the stall. “That’s it?” Allie asked. “You’re not going to yell at me or be mad?” “I’m over it,” I said. “I just wanted the truth and you having to wear them now is good enough for me to forgive you.” I left the restroom with a look on her face. I went to my locker and the bell rang as I headed to Mr. Brooks. I remembered I was no longer with the Trunchbull. Then I remembered I had another camera at home, a camera of my own I got for my birthday when I was nine. I could use that to take them of Allie but then how would I get the photos developed without my parents knowing. Oh well I will use the camera anyway just to scare her. But wait, wouldn’t she do the same back to me? She could bring her own camera to school or her parents and take one of me or try and pull down my pants. Darn, maybe this camera thing was not such a good idea. I was helpless again. I feel like Chuckie Finster for saying this wasn’t a good idea. “Ah welcome Natalie,” said Mr. Brooks. I noticed another staff person was in the room. She was a little tall and she looked younger than Mrs. Kink and younger than my parents, maybe late thirties but she looked older than Jason’s mom. She also wore glasses and had curvy blonde hair and it went down to her shoulders and she was about the same size as my mother. “Natalie, remember me?” she said. “I was at your meeting.” I didn’t recognize her. I have a bad memory when it comes to people. I would have to see them a lot to remember them and pay attention to their looks. “I am Mrs. Vicky and I am the English teacher here and I will be giving you work to do in this class. I understand you were taken out of your other class because you didn’t get along well with other kids and your father still wants you to do your school work so in here will do. We would put you in my class but then we would have to change your schedule around and I am sure you wouldn’t want that.” I felt sad I wouldn’t do any computer. Too bad this had to go fast. But I would hate to take summer school to catch up on my English or take two English classes next year. In high school, they don’t hold you back a grade, they still move you up a grade and make you retake the classes again so that means less elective classes. One thing that is great about high school is being able to pick what classes you want to take and in the higher grades, they give you more elective classes to choose from. High school is the time when kids learn to be more independent by making their own choices of what classes to take. Everyone says high school is easier than elementary school and junior high but it’s actually harder because of other kids and the school work and PE is boring. They take away all the fun stuff and it started to suck around seventh grade. But this school has been a lot easier. It’s so nice to not have any homework. “Natalie,” I heard Mrs. Vicky’s voice. She waved her hand in front of my hand and laughed when I looked. “There you are, it looked like you weren’t there for a sec.” Mrs. Vicky had an English book and a piece of paper. She told me what story she wanted me to read and she opened it to the page and showed me how many pages it was and she wanted me to write three paragraphs about the story and each paragraph had to be about three lines and no writing in big fonts like some students have done and no leaving large spaces in between each letters and words and there is no right or wrong answers in doing it. “So what do you want me to say about the story?” I asked. “You can write who the characters are and what you thought of them and write what you thought of the story,” said Mrs. Vicky. “What if I didn’t understand it?” I asked. “Just do your best and we will work on it.” “What do I do when I am done?” I asked. “Then you’re done and it will be up to him to decide what he wants you to do next.” I then thought I had enough information about my assignment. I had no idea kids had written in large print and put huge spaces in between words and letters to make it three paragraphs because they didn’t want to do the work or because they found it too hard so they found a loophole. I have never thought of those. I remembered the time I wrote the same sentences over and over in class to make it a page when I was in eighth grade because I didn’t know what else to write and I didn’t want more homework. I sat down and Mrs. Vicky left and went back to her class to teach. Mr. Brooks just sat at his desk and other kids started to do their school work and their teacher helped them. I saw the same girl again sitting in the back. She had her backpack with her again. I had mine too this time. I opened mine and I was careful to make sure no diapers would fall out as I took out my binder. I felt very nervous so I read real slowly. I just looked all over the room and looked at the kids and the teacher writing on the board. I bounced my legs together. I sniffed the book to see what it smelled like. It smelled like an old textbook. I played with the pages as I read and I noticed one of the kids moving the two chair legs off the floor and another kid doing some sniffing. The teacher wrote on the board again and the marker made a sound as it was hitting the board and the pounding the teacher was making with it. Then one of the kids reached into his backpack and took out a snack in its wrapper and played with it. “Put that away please,” said their teacher. “You can take that out when it’s snack time.” “I’m not eating it,” he said. “Put it away, the sound is distracting.” I didn’t hear the sound again. I noticed the girl in the back of the room rocking herself back and forth in her seat. She looked crazy. No wonder kids thought I was crazy. I could remember them saying how crazy I am and how I am weird and nuts. She couldn’t possibly be making fun of me because she didn’t even know me. I hope she wasn’t making fun of me. Maybe I did that yesterday while playing on the computer. But the thought of her making fun of me bothered me. I wanted to tell her to stop but I was afraid everyone would think I was crazy and not believe me. I was always too ashamed to tell my parents or adults other kids were copying me showing me how weird I am and what a show off I am. Then it would be scary to see a stranger being weird because they didn’t even know me so why were they doing that to me and how did they know I was weird. I said something about it to my parents once and they said the person just had problems and they’re not doing it to upset me and they probably don’t even notice me. I even thought my mom was copying me once and she said she was not and she is just being herself and she isn’t going to tip toe around me. I realized later she was just being Mom and Brian said nothing about her had changed and I was just finally noticing and once I stopped being so paranoid, I stopped seeing it in Mom. What if I was being paranoid again about the girl? What if she really was just being herself? I tried to ignore the thoughts in my head pretending I didn’t notice what she was doing. I just kept my eyes on the book so I wouldn’t see her and keep having that thought in my head. Then I realized I was rocking back and forth and oh no, what if the girl thinks I am making fun of her? I stopped myself and just continued playing with the pages and I moved my legs side to side making them touch each other. If I let myself get paranoid, I will start seeing everyone copying me and I will truly be crazy. But kids at my old school really did copy me and would sometimes and it got me so paranoid, I saw it everywhere when people were probably just being themselves. I started to see it as other kids do it too and it was normal. Oh well I will just be myself and if she thinks I am making fun of her and gets upset, I will just tell her “I am not and you’re not the only one who does it so stop being so paranoid.” I rocked in my seat and the girl never said anything. I finished reading the book and tried to write. I tried to remember what Mrs. Vicky told me. I couldn’t remember. I raised my hand. I held my arm with my other hand to rest it. I waited and waited and the teacher noticed my hand in the air and got Mr. Brooks attention. He came over to me and asked what I needed. “I don’t know what to write about,” I said. “What do I say about the story?” “She wants you to write about what you thought of the story and the characters,” he said. “I didn’t even understand what happened in the story or what I think of the characters,” I said. Mr. Brooks came over and looked at the story and I sat and waited. I looked at the papers in my binder and tapped my pencil and did some smelling. I also played with the rings on my binder. I then decided on what to say about the story so I wrote. I just got through reading this boring story and I had no clue what happened in it and I don’t know what I think of the characters because I don’t even care about them. I repeated the lines to make it longer. I kept on writing it. I remembered to not make the words too big and not leave too big of spaces. Mrs. Vicky never said anything about writing the same thing over and over to make it long enough. Soon I was done and I had a page. “All done,” I said. Mr. Brooks looked and told me, “You’re not the first student to do this. We’ll work on this tomorrow. Go play an educational game on the computer.” I got out of my chair and went on the computer. I looked at all the games. I played Math Workshop deluxe again and did one of the puzzles. Mr. Brooks saw and told me it had to be educational. “What’s educational?” I asked. “Something that is school related, no puzzles.” “So what would be school related?” I asked. “Math, reading, science, anything you can learn from.” I clicked out of the game and pointed the arrow to the bowling alley and asked him if that was educational and he said “Is it school related?” “It’s math,” I said. I clicked on the doors and I was in the bowling alley. I saw the monkey and the game started and I had to select the right answer for a pin to appear. Mr. Brooks said it was educational because he said that game was appropriate. I did fractions. It was just matching the pizza slices pictures. I was so glad to be on the computer after all. I should continue having troubles with my school work to use the computer. Then Mr. Brooks brought the girl over to me and introduced her as Rachael-Ann. He told me she would join me and do the game with me and to share. I didn’t really like the idea because then it meant having to be flexible and not do things my way which I hated. The girl sat down next to me in her own chair and she never said a word. I just continued playing. I just pretended like it was when I was little when I would play on the computer with one of my friends and they would watch me play and I did whatever I wanted. Racheal-Ann never said anything to me about how to play the game and what to click on. I felt better and more relaxed. I didn’t mind sharing anymore. Then the bell rang and I got out of the program and got up and got my things and left. When I got to my locker I realized I forgot my backpack so I had to go back and get it. I made it to Math without being late. I didn’t get the chance to play my Game Boy because the bell rang. “Good, Natalie, you’re here. I needed to talk to you but I will do that after class,” said Mrs. Zeller. “What did I do this time?” I asked. “Nothing, I will tell you later but right now class has started.” I felt nervous and wondered what she needed to talk to me about. Then I wondered if it was about what she told me yesterday. Did she finally talk to my parents and Mrs. Peggy? I wonder if it was about my issues in class and me not focusing on the work. I used to think I would learn to sit still and listen without getting bored and understand what I am hearing but I still struggle with it. Makes me think kids were right all along and I am retarded. I know retarded people have a hard time with listening and understanding so I must be too. If I am still not at my age level, I must be retarded. I just learn different, I just learn different, I just have a different learning style, I just process things different, is what I keep hearing at home about my brain. But how is this all different than being retarded? Did the car accident make me this way? I remember seeing a movie and in it this girl drowns when her uncle tried to kill her because she saw him kill her black friend because he was racist so he tried to kill her by drowning her and she survived but she got brain damage so she was retarded and acted like a child. She never got older on the inside. Then I remember her uncle tried to kill her again the same way forty years later because she was starting to remember what he did and he didn’t want anyone to know so he tried to drown her again except this time she kicked him away and ran and he grabbed her and pulled her into the river and there were other people this time that went after him and saved her. I bet the car accident made me retarded. I wonder how much normal I would be. I felt so bad about myself and why did it have to be me. “Natalie,” I heard Mrs. Zeller’s voice. I looked up and she was already teaching. “Get your book and copy down what I have up here.” “God why is she even in this class if she can’t even keep up?” said Matt. “Matt, only worry about yourself,” said Mrs. Zeller. “But why is she here?” “Matt, enough.” I hated what he said about me but I was glad Mrs. Zeller told him to shut up. Not literally but that is how I interpreted it. The class dragged on and then the bell rang and everyone got out of their seats and Mrs. Zeller said she needed to talk to me so stay in my seat. Everyone left and Mrs. Zeller locked her door to keep kids out. This must be a private talk. She sat down next to me. “How were things at your other school?” she asked. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I mean like how you got along with the other kids, how you did in class, those sort of things.” “I was always teased and made fun of and called names,” I said. “Kids would sometimes play tricks on me and I always had to be the one in trouble and I always brought work home to do because I could never do it in school and I would be sent out of classes if I got too “disruptive” they called it. Kids would hate what I do in my seat so I learned to do things quietly like keep all four legs on the floor, tap my pencil quietly, do not tap my feet too hard so it won’t make a sound, do not do anything that makes a sound and do quiet things.” I wonder why she was asking me about my old school. “I talked to the principal and she thinks it would be good to have someone with you all the time, how does that sound? She will help you keep focus, help you get through class and help you through each issue and help you get along with other kids.” “Great,” I said. “That means I am even more abnormal.” “Natalie, plenty of students here have a teacher with them. It doesn’t make you stupid or mean you have something wrong with you. Jason has one. I bet you will like having one once we try it. The vice principal said she already talked to your Mom about it and about the other issues you have been having here you need help with.” I was now going to be one of those kids with a teacher with them. What was wrong with me? “Also Jason will be glad to help you with your math, I just talked to him yesterday and he will be glad to help you catch up.” She talked for a few more minutes and the bell rang and she wrote me a note and let the kids in her class. Surprisingly, none of them knocked on the door to get in. They just peeked through the window. I went to my next class and met up with Jason during class. I showed him my games and he was happy I brought them but also asked me if that was it. I told him it was and he said I didn’t have that many games like he thought I would. He seemed shocked. “They’re expensive,” I said. “I only had my Game Boy since June.” “I’ve played all the Mario games,” said Jason. He picked up my Game & Watch Gallery 2. “I have never played this, is it any good?” “I thought you played all the Mario games?” I said. “I never played any of the Game & Watch games,” he said. He handed me his bag of his games. I looked through them. He had both Game Boy Color and regular Game Boy games. “Hey, you two work,” said his aid. “I am supposed to be getting one of those soon,” I said. “One of what?” she asked. “A teacher who will follow me everywhere in this school,” I said. “Just like me,” said Jason. “It makes me feel retarded,” I said. “Hey, don’t use that word,” said his aid. “That is not nice.” “What? I only said it about myself,” I said. “It’s still not nice, I don’t let anyone use that word. It puts people down.” “How am I putting people down? I only used it on myself,” I said again. I hate strange people. “You have a strange aid,” I said to Jason. He started laughing. I wondered what was so funny. “That was not nice Natalie,” she said. I just didn’t care if it wasn’t nice or not. I hated strange people. Why would anyone get upset if someone called themselves retarded? Why would she even think that? “You two can do this later, you’re supposed to be working,” she said. Jason took his games and put my game down and we both went back to work. Then class ended and I headed to the health room but Jason caught up with me asking me where I was going. “To my next class, where else would I go?” I said. I felt nervous, how was I going to change my diaper and explain to him why I was grabbing my backpack and heading to the health room. I just walked slowly as I could to stall. “You hate crowded hallways too?” Jason asked. “I guess,” I said. I was saying random things now. I was too busy thinking about what I was going to do. I couldn’t not change my diaper or I might leak later. I felt wet and knew I had several accidents in it and small ones. I wondered what he would think of me wearing them but I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. I still wanted to keep this a secret. I wished I had better diapers. Those purple ones lasted me all day almost but they sagged badly when wet and they bunched up easily. All I had to do was wear my swim suit or underwear to hold the sag. “Jason, you need to get to your next class,” his aid told him. Saved by her, yippee. She took him away. I relaxed and went to my locker and took my backpack. I headed to the health room but the door was locked. “Hey, what is going on here, I need to change,” I yelled and kicked the door in frustration. “Shhhh shhhh,”said Mrs. Peggy. “Don’t yell. Someone is doing something in there and they will be right out and don’t you kick the door.” “But I have to get to class and I need to change,” I said. “You will be excused if you’re tardy.” I waited and I pooped in my diaper. I felt my diaper expanding and I heard it hitting my diaper. Great, now I had a messy diaper to clean up. Then the door opened a younger boy walked out with his backpack. He was probably Kelly’s age, maybe a year younger. Was he one of the diaper kids? Then I noticed a lady. She noticed me and asked, “Do you need help? I am the school nurse so I am quick with changes and I will be glad to assist you.” Since I hated messy diapers, I climbed up on the table and felt the mess spread in my diaper as I laid down. It felt nice and squishy but I couldn’t enjoy this in school so it needed to be changed. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see her. I felt so nervous about the new nurse doing it I forgot to pull down my pants and take off my shirt and I forgot I had on a swimsuit. “My name is Joann,” she said. “Hi,” I remembered to say with my eyes closed. I couldn’t even look at her. “What is your name?” “Uh, Natalie,” I said. “Natalie?” she asked. “Yeah.” “Are you going to pull your pants down?” I started to pull them down and then she told me I would have to remove my shirt so she could get my swimsuit off. I sat up and took off my shirt and luckily she was a woman so it didn’t matter she would see my naked breasts and I would just cover them with my shirt. “Where do you keep your stuff?” she asked after she got everything down. I pointed to my backpack. I had my hand over my eyes now. I heard her go over to it and she opened it and asked me if I had anything to clean up with. I pointed to the cupboards where I kept my wipes. “Where?” I kept pointing. I heard her opening a few cupboards and then she said,” This one?” I looked and saw her holding my wipes. I nodded and turned my head and kept my shirt over my chest. I felt funny lying here in just my diaper and shoes and socks and my pants and swim suit pulled down to my ankles. The bed was wide enough for me to roll over and it had this paper stuff over it like all doctor’s offices do when patients lie on the bed or sit on it during the checkup. It’s not a bed you would see at home or in a furniture store. Then Joann grabbed an under mat and unfolded it and put it under me so I wouldn’t pee all over or poop again on the table. Then she put on some latex gloves. They have to wear those, it’s the law. Anything in contact with germs or poop and pee or vomit or blood, they have to wear them. Then they throw them away when they are done. I think it’s a silly law because I am not infected so I can’t get anyone else infected but they say it’s to protect everyone from germs and diseases and it’s for liability because they never know and they can get in trouble and lose their job for not wearing them. I felt nervous about getting changed by her because she was a new person and it’s always uncomfortable to get my diaper changed by someone I am not familiar with. Even when I was still in diapers before the accident, I didn’t like anyone changing me except for my parents. I could remember Mom telling that story but yet I was harder to toilet train. Why would I be resistant to use the potty when I didn’t like other people changing me? Pretty ironic I would fight it because I didn’t even like wearing them when I was older so I never wore them and I never thought about wearing one except the time I put on one of Kelly’s diapers when I was four and Mom caught me and asked me what was I doing with it on and I said I wanted to wear it and she told me I didn’t need to wear them and I can make it to the toilet fine so take it off. I took it off because it felt uncomfortable anyway and thought diapers felt that way and couldn’t imagine how babies felt in them and Kelly. I realize now the diaper was just too small. I reached for the tabs to get them undone but she said “I got it, don’t you worry” and started to undo the tapes on my diaper. I refused to look so I kept my eyes closed and put my shirt over my face too so she wouldn’t see it. I was hoping I wouldn‘t have any accidents in front of this lady. I have had them in front of my doctor though and my old nurse. “Nervous?” Joann asked. I nodded. “It’s okay, I have done this a lot. You have nothing to be nervous about. I know people wear these for different reasons and some have a hard time with it so I am here to help.” She said nothing about my poop and she just cleaned me up as she talked about normal stuff. She asked me about my family and where I went to school and where I live and when I started attending here. I responded back to her questions without looking at her. I even forgot about the boy I saw who walked out and I forgot I was getting my diaper changed despite that I knew I was just lying here and feeling a cold wipe on my skin. I didn’t feel as nervous and she didn’t say anything about my lack of hair down there. I hate pubic hair so I always shave it off. It’s so disgusting to get poop in it and pee and then find hair on my hands when I wash down there or when I wipe so I shave it. She finished cleaning me up and I was surprised how fast she could put a diaper on and she said she had changed lot of those including on handicapped children and kids who had troubles with fine motor skills. I felt even more abnormal. If normal kids are able to change their own diapers without a problem, I should too or else I am not normal if I still need help with it but only with the messy ones. “But I am fine with helping anyone,” she said. “Have you ever changed anyone who was normal?” I asked. “What’s normal?” “Not have anything wrong with them,” I said. “Everyone’s got problems rather it’s incontinence or hormone issues or digestive problems or allergies or emotional issues or having a disability or health problem. Normal is just a word and there is no such thing.” This really was a strange school. It seemed like everyone here was denying people are normal and being different is nothing. “But have you changed someone who could do it themselves but chose not to?” I said. “Not as far as I know.” Darn, I was the only one. So that meant it wasn’t normal to get help with my diaper changes. Joann was taking off her gloves when I started to get dressed again. She tossed them away in the trash with my dirty diaper. She was washing her hands as I was getting my shirt back on. I decided to look in the trash to see if there was another diaper in there. “Don’t look in there,” said Joann. “Sometimes we have bio hazards so that is why we have an enclosed garbage can.” “I just wanted to see if that other kid wore diapers,” I said shyly. “He does. I just got through changing him before you came in.” “I’m surprised you told me because Mrs. Peggy said she can’t tell me who does.” “Well this time it’s fine because you both wear them and I can let him know about you.” “Okay,” I said. “I want to know all the kids who do so I will feel better.” “I will let them know about you, how’s that?” she said. “Good,” I said. I felt so happy and the bell had already rang so I was given a excused slip and went to my next class all happy. Maybe messy diapers here won’t be so bad.
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Post by Bad Beth on Sept 25, 2014 7:59:41 GMT
Chapter 38 I met up with Jason during lunch ignoring Damian, Hecate, Lilth, and Ahriman. We talked about the car incident and Jason told me how his mom forced him to tell her and he made her promise she won’t tell the school. “Too bad she doesn’t have Peter’s money,” said Jason. “I bet she would have gotten rid of Mrs. Bitch if she was still with him.” “Why?” “Because she would have had money and maybe pay her to quit here or use it to threaten to sue her.” “Or this school if they don’t get rid of her,” I said. I wished I had so much money I should be famous. Maybe I can be an actress again and try to get famous so I can get rich. I assumed Jen didn’t get much money either because she also isn’t famous. “Did your Mom get lot of money when she acted?” I asked. “What?” asked Jason. “Did your mom make a lot of money when she played in movies?” “I don’t know.” Then Damian, Hecate, Lilth, and Ahriman were at our table. “So you decided to ditch us to hang out with the weirdo?” said Hecate. “Go away,” said Jason. “You almost got us in trouble from the car,” I said. “No we didn’t, you should have ran,” said Damian. “And go to jail?” I asked. “No you wouldn’t, we didn’t get in trouble and you wouldn’t have either if you ran.” “Go away,” Jason said again. “Natalie, you’re still on probation, you still want to be with us or with this loser?” I got mad and threw my food at them. Other kids saw and pointed at him and laughed and some of them started to toss their food pieces at them. “Food fight,” a kid shouted. I noticed some kids were tossing pieces of food at each other and at Ahriman, Hecate, Lilth, and Damian. They didn’t like it at all and they walked away. “Hey hey hey,” the lunch room duty lady shouted. She had to scream at all the kids to stop so they could all hear her. Jason pulled me out of the lunchroom and we ran down the hall. “What about your food?” I asked. “Forget it,” he said. “What about yours?” “I threw it on them,” I said. We kept running and then we were out in the track field. “You started a food fight,” he said. “It was an accident. This makes me think of a movie,” I said. “Except it was nothing like you see in it.” “That was the reality of a food fight, not like you see in movies. They always exaggerate it.” “I think real life food fights are boring,” I said. “That’s why they make it more extreme,” said Jason. “It’s for entertainment. If they had it be like this, then it would be boring. Uh oh, they found us.” I looked where he was looking and I saw the same duty lady I saw in the lunch room walking in the field. She was coming towards us. She got closer and closer. “What does she want?” I asked. “I bet we are in trouble,” said Jason. “Not again,” I said. It seems like I keep getting into trouble here or is it just me? “You two, come with me now,” said the duty lady. “It wasn’t our fault,” said Jason. “We must learn to take responsibility for our actions,” she said. “He didn’t do anything,” I said. “These kids were bothering us and they called him a loser.” “She defended me,” said Jason. “Violence does not solve anything,” she said. “I told them to go away and they wouldn’t, what were we supposed to do?” said Jason. The lady didn’t answer us. I guess we were supposed to let them keep bothering us. I hate grownups, they are so stupid. I wonder if their brains shrinking have anything to do with it. “I wonder if their brains shrinking have anything to do with them being so stupid,” I said to Jason. “What?” he asked. “You are going to get some points taken away young lady,” said the lunch lady. “The adults, they expect us to not defend ourselves so they think we are supposed to let kids bother us,” I said to Jason. “Yeah,” Jason agreed. I had no idea what the duty lady was talking about. I pictured it being a video game and I had a score and I lost some points to it just for saying that line. I guess I earn points from living and doing stuff. She brought us back in the cafeteria and as a punishment, we were told to clean up the mess but Jason refused. He said he didn’t make the mess so he shouldn’t have to do it. I decided to refuse too. I just folded my arms. Why should I have to pick up other kid’s messes ? I didn’t make them throw the food. I should only be picking up my own. “Do you two want isolation?” she asked. “I hate this noisy room so I do not care,” said Jason. “What’s isolation?” I asked. “Okay, you both lost more points.” “That’s not fair,” Jason shouted. What the hell were points? I didn’t see any. Jason started to yell and shout. I started to shout too saying how the other kids should be cleaning up their mess so why pick on us. Then another staff person came to us who ran the card machine. “What’s going on here?” “These two will not clean up the mess,” the lunch lady told her. “We didn’t make all this and he didn’t do any of this,” I said. “My girlfriend threw the food at the kids who were bothering us,” said Jason. I had a boyfriend? I didn’t know I was Jason’s girlfriend. I wonder how long I have had a boyfriend for. “These two just lost points,” said the lunch lady. “And they keep losing them the more they refuse.” “What are points?” I shouted. “You don’t get any?” she asked. “What are they?” I asked again. “It’s a system some students use for behavior modification. I thought you were on it too, my bad.” I was still confused. What was behavior modification? What were these points they get? How did they earn them? “You two need to do as she says,” said the lunch money lady. I saw her tag and it said Trish. “But it’s not fair, why do we have to pick up the mess and the other kids don’t and they threw food too,” I said. “You started it. You clean it.” Jason and I didn’t give in. He was just like me, fighting for what is fair. We kept refusing to pick up the broom and rag. As a result, we were both given isolation and both our moms were called. It was just a room for kids to sit and they couldn’t talk. I saw the rules on the board and it said: No game boys No music No reading No doodling No talking No making noise Stay seated No sleeping “This room is ironic,” said Jason. “Why?” I asked. “Those are rules for normies and how do they expect us to be if we’re not?” I didn’t understand. Why would we have different rules than normies? Only thing we were allowed to do was do our school work but how are kids supposed to do their work if they can’t read? I didn’t have anything to work on I could do alone so I was bored. The kids in English were right. But at least we could move around in our seats just as long as we stayed quiet. This was nothing like Mrs. Trunchbull’s. But I saw Jason doodling with his fingers and moving around in his seat too like me. I saw he was allowed to still have his music in class so it confused me. The rule said no music and he was allowed to have music. I guess the rules were not rules and they were just there and we could break them so I started to break them. I rocked in my seat and whistled. I had the legs lift off the ground as I rocked. “Natalie, no making noise,” said the teacher. Why did I call her a teacher? She only ran the room and didn’t teach. She had her name on the board. Ms. Shepper. “But he is listening to music,” I pointed at Jason. “Don’t worry about him, just followed the rules on the board,” said Ms. Shepper. “But the rules say no music,” I said again. “The rule is no talking,” she said back. I started to feel stressed inside like I was panicking. Why was I expected to follow the rules and Jason was allowed to break them? I started to cry and rock hard in my seat. I just made more noise in anger. I tapped my feet as loud as I could and tapped my pencil as loud and sniffed my nose loudly and make coughing sounds. “Natalie,” said Ms. Shepper. “The rule says no music,” I cried. “Why is he allowed and not me? Why is everyone else allowed to break rules?” I cried. I pushed my binder on the floor and swung my hands in the air. I couldn’t take all this unfairness. The lunchroom and now this. I was so sick of being treated different. I even hit my head out of frustration. I then put my hands in fists. I wanted to knock everything over to release all these feelings I didn’t want. I didn’t feel good at all. I held my mouth shut and screamed. I didn’t care if kids looked at me or not or Jason. They all probably thought I was crazy. I spotted a paperback book on the table so I got out of my seat and threw it across the room away from everyone. But the anger was still here. Throwing that book didn’t help. I hit my head again and I felt like I blacked out but I was still on my feet. Finally I was taken out of the room and led down the hallway. I noticed I was being taken out by Mrs. Dorsell. Ms. Shepper was not with me. I was taken into the quiet room and she had me sit down on the couch. I felt calmer by then. “Take a deep breath,” she said. “It’s not fair,” I cried. “What’s not fair? Are you calm enough to talk?” “She made rules and we don’t have to follow them but I have to and they don’t,” I said. “What do you mean?” “Other kids are allowed to break them and I am not,” I said. “Why do you think that?” “Jason was listening to music and the rules say no music so I started to make noise in my chair and she told me to stop but never told him to stop. It’s not fair.” “Life isn’t fair,” said Mrs. Dorsell. “But I don’t like to be treated different,” I said. “No one is treated equally.” “No, I am always treated different and everyone else is treated the same,” I said. Mrs. Dorsell got up and left and came back with Mrs. Peggy. “Natalie, I heard you had a problem in isolation, do you want to tell me about it?” she asked. I told her what I told Mrs. Dorsell. Mrs. Peggy shook her head. “Every student does their own thing for a reason,” she said. “But he broke a rule,” I said. “You only worry about yourself, not about other kids or Jason.” “But he broke a rule,” I kept saying. “Why have rules if they are not meant to be there?” I said. I cried again. Why was I being expected to follow the rules and not everyone else? Both adults left and I was alone. I just stared in the room and sniffled. Then Mrs. Dorsell came back and told me I was going home for the day and my mom was on her way because I am too upset. I was surprised I was going home and didn’t care. I wonder what Mom was going to say? I keep interrupting her life. I bet I was stressing her out by changing her days and wearing her out. Mom arrived and she wasn’t mad at me at all. Instead she asked me what happened. I told her again what happened. Instead, Mom said to Mrs. Dorsell in a different tone, “Why even have rules if they are not meant to be followed? Don’t you know how confusing it is to know the rules and then see someone not following them and then you wonder what the rules are.” “Mrs. Evans, every kid here is unique so they all have their own needs so not all rules may apply to them. Those are just general rules and they may not apply to all students due to their needs. Your daughter doesn’t seem to understand so she had an outburst and got pretty disruptive,” Mrs. Dorsell explained. “She seems to think all rules are meant to be followed by everyone regardless and doesn’t understand the exception.” Mom didn’t say anything. Instead she just nodded. “Hopefully she will have a better day tomorrow and we may do her isolation somewhere else where nothing won’t upset her and there won’t be any confusion.” “Or just get rid of the rules,” said Mom. “Problem solved. Imagine going to a different culture and you are shown a list of rules but instead you see no one following them so you figure they are not meant to be followed so when you do what everyone else does, you are getting ticketed for it and going to jail for getting too many of them and none of the others are.” “I see what you mean. That must be confusing for your child,” said Mrs. Dorsell. “No shit, we have tried group therapies for her and all it did was confused her about how to act because kids in there were too dysfunctional so we never took her to them again. I was nervous about sending her here. But it’s either here or homeschool. She models everyone. Everything is normal to her and we were told this was a good characteristic she has because it means she will learn social skills and live a normal life and be successful but I sure see the opposite unless she understands how not everyone will follow the rules and there will always be defiant people but that does not mean the rule has changed nor does it mean it’s not meant to be followed. I just don’t want her to get in trouble with the law or run a stop sign just because she saw another driver do it and got away with it.” I wouldn’t run a stop sign. That is a stupid thing to do. Mom is nuts with her thinking assuming I will run a stop sign just because I saw another idiot doing it. Running a stop sign means a car can hit you. “I understand,” said Mrs. Dorsell. But Mom went on. “Sometimes I wish she was like me, not copy people. Not try and have friends. Then she would stay out of trouble. Everyone is born with the ability to model after people but my daughter, she has that but she doesn’t seem to have the part everyone else has to understand how to do it. She just copies copies copies so lot of stuff she would do was always learned behavior and it was always hard to change it in her because once she would get the idea in her head, it was very hard to convince her it was wrong. I don’t see other parents having that trouble with their kids and I never have that with my other children. My youngest is special but they are both different. Both are hard in their own ways and both are easier in other ways.” Mom talked and talked. Matthew and I are both different but we are both different from each other it’s hard to say who is more affected by their disability. We’re affected in different areas that is more than the other. While I appeared typical as a young child, Matthew was harder and it was more obvious something was wrong but probably because she had other kids before him so it was easier to tell and when she looks back at me, the signs were there too but she didn’t know and they were subtle and they got more obvious as I got older. The rules change and kids change and more things get expected out of you as you get older and things that were cute before are not cute at age eight or ten or things that were acceptable at age three are not acceptable at age seven or nine and it was hard to get me to change my behavior so they had to do universal rules and not let things slide if I did something wrong. “Mrs. Evans, can I interrupt?” Mrs. Dorsell asked. “Mrs. Evans!” she said louder. Mom stopped. “What? Don’t you know it’s rude to interrupt?” “You have been going on and on for the last ten minutes.” “Oh, I have? Sorry. I didn’t know that. I don’t always have an off button so everyone always has to tell me.” “That’s okay. Your daughter can get her stuff and can go.” “Natalie, you can go out to the car and I will meet you there,” said Mom handing me her car keys. I took them and left and Mom stayed behind. I got my binder from the isolation room. Jason still had on his head phones and he was looking at me. He had a look on his face. I am not sure what it meant but it wasn’t a happy look or a bad look. It was a sad look. I don’t know why he was sad. Was he sad because he caused me to act this way or was it because he felt bad him breaking a rule caused such a havoc and I had to be the one in trouble? He said nothing to me. He is able to break the music rule but he isn’t able to break the talking rule. I also got my backpack from my locker and I realized I didn’t get to do game exchange with Jason. Maybe tomorrow and I hope he would bring his games again. I headed to the front doors and I saw Allie again. She waved at me. I waved back. “How’s your D?” I asked. “Have you done a stinky?” “I thought you weren’t mad at me?” she said. I remembered I wasn’t so I said I was wondering if she pooped yet. “No,” she said. “How do you like wearing them so far? Do you like it?” “I don’t want to talk about it here,” she said. I got closer to her and whispered it. “Natalie,” she said. “No one can hear me,” I said. “I said not here.” “You’re weird,” I said. “A dumb blonde. Dumb dumb dumb dumb.” I felt like Winnie the Pooh saying it. “Dum de da dum” he has danced while walking and swinging his arms. “Natalie,” I heard Mom’s voice. I stopped and saw her walking. “Hi Anita,” said Allie. “Oh, hey Allie,” said Mom. “Natalie won’t stop being mad at me,” she said. “You stole from her property so what do you expect?” Mom asked. “You invite her over just so you can take one of her diapers and do you even understand how that must make her feel?” I couldn’t believe Mom said the D word out loud where anyone could hear but there wasn’t anyone in the hall. I hate it when she blurts it out. I did say to just call them diapers and she did. But she doesn’t know when to not call them that. I know she would probably think I am playing games with her and I keep changing my mind on her without telling her. But I know she isn’t doing it on purpose to embarrass me. Another thing I hate about being incontinent. Allie didn’t say anything else and Mom and I kept on walking. I waited until we were out in the parking lot before I said, “Mom, please don’t say the word diaper out loud in my school. I don’t want another kid hearing it and finding out.” “But when I didn’t, you demanded we just call them that,” said Mom. “Remember?” “That was different, we were in a room,” I said. “You were out in the hallway when you said it and what if there was another kid walking and he heard it, then he might tell everyone and then all the kids would know.” “Okay so you don’t want me saying it in the hallway at your school,” said Mom. “Yes,” I said. “Okay, so do not call them diapers when I am in the hallway but if we are in a room, I can call hem that, gotcha.” “Only if there are no other kids around,” I said. “Do not call them that in a room if there is another kid present, okay,” said Mom. “You got it,” I said. I love it when she repeats what she hears to make sure she understands. That is how I know she understands or not. But that bothers Kelly when she does it. I guess she doesn’t want her to understand and to make sure she does. We got in the car and mom started talking. “Natalie, you know how all kids get potty trained and need to be out of diapers?” “Yes,” I said. “Some who still wet the bed or have a disability that keeps them from being able to control their bladder or were in a car accident and need to wear them now or the ones who can’t hold it or can’t make it to the bathroom also wear them while all the other kids have to get potty trained. It’s the same with rules. Teachers may make them but they may not apply to someone with a disability. Students are required to write but someone who may have problems with writing and holding a pencil may be allowed to use a computer and do all their work on it. It’s an exception to the rule they make for that student because he can’t do what other kids can.” “Okay,” I said wondering why she was telling me all this. “So what happened in your school when you saw Jason listening to music, it may have been relaxing music to block out other noise so he can concentrate on his school work and some people cannot concentrate without music. I have met people that way, they would say they needed background noise to concentrate so they would turn on the TV or some music to work. They may have made a rule against listening to music but some kids need music to work and function so that rule may not apply to them so I told them to get rid of all those rules.” “Is that why builders play music as they work? I thought they did it to past time so they wouldn’t be bored,” I said. “Maybe, I never thought about it,” said Mom. I had seen some people work and they would have on headphones as they clean or cut the grass or do construction and I had heard music blaring from the homes when they would be building them as they worked. I had seen Kelly play music as she did her homework or worked on the computer. I wonder if she needs it to do her work. Mom talked on the rest of the way home about rules and what they call accommodations. I wondered about the Safeway incident. The lady there broke the rule, was that an accommodation. “Mom, that lady at Safeway who had too many items, was that an accommodation they were making?” “No she was just being rude and they let her,” said Mom. “Who isn’t able to wait at normal checkout? Maybe being rude has become a disability so they were accommodating her.” “She was blonde,” I said. “I bet she couldn’t read so they were accommodating her being illiterate.” Mom laughed. “Gee, maybe I should view stupidity as a disability and rudeness and treat it as such to accommodate their needs but then when I explain things in simple ways and try and simplify my words, people think I am being condescending and they would rather pretend to be smart,” she said. We started talking about stupid people and laughing about it. Then I suggested she should see Kelly as being special needs and accommodate her dumbness and be more understanding. It might not be her fault how she is. It’s probably a disability she has. Mom agreed. She also said she already accommodates my father because it’s not his fault he is OCD and she had put up with his drinking and Kelly gets her by getting more time on her tests and homework because of her dyslexia and instead of reading a certain amount of pages, she gets to read less and she would sometimes try and find short cuts by having her friends do her work for her and they had to tell her it was not okay and she needed to do her own school work and she can’t just copy their work either. “Why couldn’t that be an accommodation?” I asked. “Because when people do your work for you, you’re not learning,” said Mom. When we got home, I had learned accommodations meant having a different rule than everyone else to help you so you can get to where everyone else is getting to. I felt better by then and no longer upset. But I still couldn’t believe I got sent home. Then I realized I had been acting like my mother. She did this at Safeway when the lady was breaking the rule about how many items you can have and she had seventeen instead of eight items or less. Now I know how Mom really felt when she saw her breaking that rule. I was confused and Mom was upset she wasn’t following it. But she handled it better than me but at least I didn’t snatch the headphones off of Jason and Mom only put the food back in the cart while I had to throw the book and act all crazy while Mom only yelled and put the stuff back in the cart. I was starting to get scared again. I had gotten worse as I got older. I am always stressed out and wasn’t as much when I was little. I handled things better when I was little. I didn’t start crying and getting all these bad feelings inside of me. I felt uncomfortable but I handled it better then despite the discomforts. What if I ended up like my mother? What if I ever end up as bad as her? What if I was turning into her? I couldn’t remember throwing stuff when I was little or getting as upset. And my clothes, during the day they start to itch and get uncomfortable despite they are soft. I also can’t stand to be hot and feel the sweat form inside my sweat glands before I start to sweat and when my skin starts itching for no reason. I hope this is all part of the teen years and then it will blow over when I am an adult. Everyone says being a teen is tough. Your hormones are changing and so are your feelings and it’s hard for every child when they go through it. I even have to take pills for anxiety just like Mom and I take pills for my hormones so my feelings are not as sensitive. Kelly should be on them too. I saw Mom had been putting up the tree in the living room in front of the window. That is where our tree always goes and it was a fake tree we had. We always get a real one but with Dad having to pay back everything, we probably won’t be getting one this year. I won’t be able to smell the fresh pines but at least we wouldn’t have to water it and stop Skippy from drinking out of there or the cats. We do have to keep down the toilet seat covers to keep them from drinking out of them or keep the door closed. I sometimes wish I could still use one like everyone else. But wearing diapers has felt normal for me now. Some people prefer to call them pads or protection or incontinent aid. I just call them diapers. I hate how they are called briefs. I just wish they would call them diapers on the packages. Mom already had lights on the tree and bubble lights. She also had up mini trees, one in the dining room, one on the staircase, one in the hallway and one in the living room. We’re tree people and like having them up every Christmas. We also have them in our rooms, just us kids. Mom had our mini trees out and I saw my box of my ornaments and took my tree with lights on it and my ornaments and brought them upstairs to my room. She still hadn’t moved my furniture back. “Mom, when are you going to move my stuff back in my room?” I called. “I don’t know,” she replied from downstairs. She was busy putting lights on the tree in the living room. The computer was still on and I was surprised I was still connected to the internet. I continued looking on the storyboard. I read the page I left it on I was trying to read this morning. I finished reading the replies too and read stories on there I saw. I looked on other AB/DL websites. My tummy grumbled because I didn’t finish my lunch. I got up and went downstairs to see what I could eat. I told Mom I was hungry. She told me I could have some yogurt or some fruit. We didn’t have anything like fruit snacks or fruit roll ups or any sweets and desserts. I just had yogurt and a banana. “Natalie, tell me what happened during lunch today,” said Mom. “What do you mean?” I asked. “The vice principal called me today and she said something about a food fight and you and Jason starting it, what was that about? What happened in lunch?” “My new friends who tried to get me to crash Mrs. Kink’s car came over to my table and started bothering us and Jason kept telling them to go away and they wouldn’t so they called him a loser and I threw my food on them and then other kids started to throw food.” “Why did you throw food at them?” “I just told you, they called him a loser so I did it.” “And then what happened?” “The adults tried to make Jason and I clean it up and the other kids food too.” “She also said you were disrespecting the adults again. Again? Do they mean with Mrs. Kink and then you disrespected another adult?” “She never bothered me today and I am not in her class anymore,” I said. “So who was the other adult you disrespected?” “I don’t know. They tried to make us pick up the mess instead of our own and Jason didn’t do anything and they punished him too.” “What did you do to them?” Mom asked “I refused to pick up the other kids messes.” “So you didn’t hit them or call them names or throw anything?” I thought about the lunch room. Did I call them stupid or dumb or did I kick them or throw anything at them or hit them with the mop or broom or rag? “No,” I said. “Okay. You didn’t need to throw your food at them. That isn’t okay.” “But they called him a loser,” I said. “Doesn’t matter. If you did that to someone in public, you could be charged with assault. But because it was in school, they didn’t press any charges. But I am telling you, when you get out of school, there won’t be any consequences, just getting fired and going to jail if the person press charges you did it to and then you can end up with a criminal record and it will make it harder for you to get a job and make a living.” I hated getting older. This was all scary stuff. If people bother me and don’t leave me alone, I can go to jail for it and end up with a record. “But what if they insult me?” I said. “Doesn’t matter. You know the saying, two wrongs don’t make it right. If one of our neighbors decided to say to me “Anita, you’re a mean woman, I hear you hate handicapped children so you sprayed them with your hose like parasites” so I go up to her and slap her and start pulling out her flowers and breaking her windows, she can have me arrested for assault and property damage. It doesn’t matter how stupid someone is or how mean they are, they’re still protected by law. If there was no law, then everyone would be beating each other and destroying property and can you imagine if you unintentionally got someone upset so they came over here and whacked your Nintendo 64 with a heavy object or you accidentally bump into someone so that person turns around and pushes you in the street for a car to hit you. No one would be safe. Just imagine how chaotic it would be. That is why we have laws.” I imagined a life without laws, everyone would be breaking into my home and my stuff would keep getting taken or people keep punching me or hitting me and pushing me because I got them mad for some reason or what if Veronica got mad at me and killed me. I couldn’t imagine life without laws. It would be a scary place. Then Kelly came home. “I’m home,” she said. “Hi,” said Mom. Kelly came down the hallway with her shoes and saw me. “What did you do this time?” “She got upset in isolation and threw a book because she didn’t understand why a rule wasn’t being followed,” said Mom. “Isolation? What did you do?” Kelly asked me again. “I threw food at these kids who called my friend a loser and I accidentally started a food fight and I refused to pick up their mess,” I said. “Natalie the trouble maker,” said Kelly. “Kelly the dumb blonde,” I said. “Mom,” said Kelly. “You called her a trouble maker,” said Mom. “She always gets into trouble,” said Kelly. She went upstairs with her backpack and I went upstairs too following her. She went into her room and slammed the door in my face. I opened it but the door was locked. I knocked on it. “I’m doing my school work and need to be alone,” she said. “I was on the computer, go work somewhere else,” I shouted. “Do something else,” she said behind the door. I started to pound on the door. “Quit it Natalie, be a normie again why don’t you.” “I will when you let me in,” I yelled. I kept on pounding and kicking at the door. “Hey, stop pounding the door or you will break it,” Mom shouted from downstairs. “Kelly locked me out,” I yelled. I kept on pounding. “Knock it off!” Kelly yelled. “Natalie!” Mom yelled. I decided to find a key to the door so I left. I went downstairs to the kitchen and opened the drawer where the key is kept. Mom was decorating the mini trees. I went upstairs and started to unlock Kelly’s door. But the knob wouldn’t turn and I realized Kelly was holding it. I forced it to turn and used all my strength as I used the key to unlock it and I was hoping to hurt Kelly’s hand so she will let go. We both fought over it and then the thing snapped. The knobs fell off and all was left was the rest of it that was still on the door where the doorknobs were. Kelly started yelling at me and I yelled back. “Natalie, now look what you did,” she yelled. “If you would have let me on the computer this wouldn’t have happened,” I yelled. “You only think about yourself, why can’t you think about others for once.” “Why couldn’t you move to another room, like Mom and Dad’s room or the den,” I yelled. “Now I am trapped in here.” “Now I can’t get back on the computer,” I said. Mom came upstairs and said, “Hey hey hey, what is going on?” “She wouldn’t let me in her room,” I said. “I was trying to do my homework and she wouldn’t leave me alone,” said Kelly through the door. “Now I’m trapped in here.” I could hear her trying to put her doorknob back on and I looked at Mom and she saw the broken doorknob on the floor. “What did you girls do here?” Mom asked rushing over. “She broke it,” said Kelly through the door. “She was grabbing the knob and wouldn’t let me in so I kept turning it,” I said. “Now I will have to get the screw driver to get her out,” said Mom. She picked up the knob and looked at it. She also saw I had the key because she told me to give it to her. I handed it to her. “I hope your father won’t be upset about this,” said Mom looked at the doorknob. “I’m locked in here,” said Kelly. “Be patient will you, I can only do one thing at a time,” said Mom. “Why did this happen?” “She locked the door and wouldn’t let me in,” I said. “She kept trying to get in and she broke it,” said Kelly. “No, you broke it,” I said. “You both broke it,” said Mom. She went downstairs. I just sat here and waited and then I left and Mom came out of the kitchen with a screw driver. She went upstairs and I followed her and she tried to figure out how to get the rest off but there was no screw on the front. She couldn’t figure out how to take it off. “Sorry Kelly, it looks like you’re stuck in there,” said Mom. “I can’t be in here all night long,” Kelly cried. “I can’t figure out how to get this off, I’m sorry. You would have to go out the window and I can get the ladder to get you down,” said Mom. “Thanks a lot Natalie,” said Kelly. “You have to do your homework anyway so you will mind as well stay in there,” I said. Mom left and I realized I could get on the computer in the kitchen. I fought to get in her room for nothing. I got on the computer again and got online again. I went back to the same site I was on before.
Soon Matthew came home. “Why is Kelly trapped in her room?” was his first greeting. “Your sisters were fighting over the door so the doorknobs broke off,” said Mom. “How did you know she was in there?” I asked. “She was shouting out her bedroom window for help,” Matthew replied. He took off his stuff and dumped it in the hallway and went upstairs. Mom went upstairs and told Kelly to go out through the window and she will get the ladder for her to climb down. Then she said, “Fine, suit yourself,” and came back down putting Matthew’s stuff away. “What happened?” I asked. “Your sister is being stubborn, she doesn’t want to climb down from the roof so I will just leave her in there while your brother will try and get her out somehow.” I turned on the TV to see what was on. I watched the Nick channel. I was so glad I wasn’t the one trapped in my room. Matthew came down a few times and he walked around and then he dug in one of the drawers and went back upstairs. I kept on watching The Wild Thornberrys. I think it would be awesome to talk to animals. Then I could teach our pets how to play video games and I would have someone to play with. Mom came in the family room and said, “Natalie, I just talked to Jen on the phone about what happened today and she said Jason told her you called the teachers stupid and said their brains were shrinking so it was making them dumb.” “Yeah,” I said. “She was being dumb and her hair isn’t even blonde.” “Who did you call stupid?” “The duty lady,” I said. “Why?” “Because she was being stupid, she expected us to let the kids keep bothering us. I read in a science magazine your brain grows until you are twelve and then it starts to shrink when you get to your twenties so that is why grownups act so stupid I bet.” That made Mom laugh. “I asked you if you called any of the adults’ names and you said no. Why didn’t you tell me?” “You only asked me about the lunch room incident, not the track field,” I said. “You were in the track field? What happened out there?” Mom asked. “Jason got me out of the lunch room when the food fight started and I followed him out to the track field and then the duty lady came out and got us and I called her stupid out there.” “Okay, you will start from beginning to end about how this whole thing started and when it ended and I want every detail,” said Mom and she sat down next to me on the couch and crossed her leg and folded her arms on her lap. “So start talking.” I started to talk telling her from when lunch started and Hecate, Ahriman, Lilth, and Damian coming over to us and saying I decided to hang out with Jason instead and I am still on probation and I said they almost got me into trouble and they said no they didn’t and I wouldn’t have been in trouble if I ran with them. How they finally called Jason a loser so it made me mad and I threw my food at them and kids pointed and laughed and a boy yelled “food fight” and kids started to throw food but it was not like you see in movies because no one got covered in food and it wasn’t all over the place and it was only food from their trays. Then Jason got me out of there and I followed him to the field and we talked and then the duty lady came out. I mentioned how she didn’t care if they were bothering us and he told them to leave a few times and they wouldn’t and the duty lady didn’t care if they wouldn’t leave so I think she expected us to let them bother us. Then I said about her telling me I lost some points when I said to Jason how stupid she is and I bet her brain shrinkage causes them to be dumb. I kept on talking and then I ended it to where we were brought out of the lunch room to the isolation room. “So it was those kids who tried to make you crash the car,” said Mom. “Thank you Natalie.” Oh no, I just ratted them out. “Oh no,” I said. “I wasn’t allowed to tell you and now I will be in trouble by them,” I said. “By who?” “The kids. They will be mad at me now and I don’t know what will happen to me now.” “Natalie, you can’t even keep a cat in the bag. That’s a good thing,” said Mom. “No it’s not,” I said. “It makes people mad at me and causes me to get picked on.” “Fuck them. They are just mad because they got caught and couldn’t get away with it. If they think they can get away with it, they are stupid when they try and use you. If they don’t want to get caught, they shouldn’t be trying to take advantage of you. I was hoping for the truth would come out soon and it did.” “Is that why you wanted me to tell you the whole story?” I asked. “No, I wanted to know the whole story so I understood the whole incident. I wasn’t expecting to find out who really put you up to it. But I guess that was a bonus. Now you know they are not your true friends, they’re cowards.” “Why?” I asked. “They didn’t have the nerve to do it themselves so they had to find someone vulnerable, you, so they dragged you to her car and tried to get you to do it so you will get the blame and then Jason showed up and they ran leaving you behind. How cowardly is that? Are those real friends?” “I guess not,” I said. “You guess not? No they’re not your real friends, real friends won’t try and get their friend into trouble. They thought you would be stupid but you showed them. Now maybe they won’t try and get you to do anything bad again and they might find someone else instead they think they can take advantage of.” “You can’t tell my school they put me up to it,” I said. “I don’t want any trouble from them. Jason is making his mother not tell the school either.” “Maybe if your school knew, if those kids do it to another child, maybe they will know who put them up to it. What if they find another kid who is desperate for friends? They can use that against them to make them do stuff. I am glad you made the decision and didn’t want their friendship but what if the other child thought friendship was more important than what they wanted him to do?” I didn’t know what could happen to the other kid. I was just lucky Jason had come and they took off leaving me behind the car. What if he hadn’t come? Then what would have happened to me? How long would I be behind the car for? Would they have pulled me away and let the car roll? “They would do what they wanted,” said Mom. I felt my diaper getting wet again. It got wetter and wetter and I felt the pee going to the front and back and it felt like a flood. I wondered if it was going to leak on the couch. It felt like a long one. I was distracted by the pee I tuned out what Mom was saying. “Natalie?” she asked. “You okay?” “Yeah,” I lied. I finally finished peeing. The diaper now felt very wet. I was hoping it didn’t leak. I wanted to feel behind but I was afraid of Mom finding out. I also wanted to feel how wet my diaper is. It felt all squishy in the middle and wet in the front. I could feel it on my leg too where the diaper touched. Did I leak? I waited for Mom to leave. I heard her get up and she started to walk away. I waited until she had her back turned before I felt the back and my leg. The outside felt very squishy and very warm. I peeked inside my pants to see how wet the front of the diaper is. It was still wet at the bottom and I felt the side and felt dampness. I leaned back and felt the pee spread to the back and I felt behind. I felt some dampness. I knew I needed to change before it got worse. Sometimes pee comes out of it eventually and when I pee more, it leaks after I have saturated it. Plus it smelled like pee. I waited for the commercial to come on. Sometimes I love commercials. I think they are also for so people can have breaks and get things done than just to make money to sell their products. “Okay, who is going to walk Skippy, Kelly is locked in her room so one of you is going to have to do it,” said Mom. I didn’t want to do it. I was hoping Matthew would. “Do you want to do it Natalie?” Mom asked. “No I’m watching this,” I said. “Matthew,” Mom called. Why doesn’t she do it? Mom came back downstairs and said he was busy trying to get Kelly out of her room and said Skippy might be fine without a walk for one day and she let him out in the backyard so he can run around. Our yard isn’t even big enough but Mom figured he can just walk back and forth. How much room does a dog need? The show ended and I got up and changed my diaper. I saw Matthew was working on getting Kelly out of her room. I got finished changing and I threw my diaper away in my room and then I saw Kelly was out of her room. “How did you get out?” I asked. “Your brother is a genius,” she said. “You owe me twenty bucks,” he said. Kelly sighed. “You promised me if I get you out and I did so twenty bucks,” said Matthew holding his hand out. Kelly went back in her room and Matthew followed. I think I should start charging Kelly too so I can get some money to spend. Mom started to make dinner and she had finished putting the tree up in the living room. It was not decorated yet. I was on the computer again and I had to sign back on so I could get on AOL. Mom must have signed it off so she could use the phone. Then I looked in the TV guide to see what was on for the rest of the evening and I watched TV all evening long and did the computer during commercials. I kept wondering how Matthew got the doorknob off. Dad never called at his usual time and Mom figured he must be working late so she called us down to dinner. We just ate without Matthew and soon he came down when I was through eating. I asked him how he got the doorknob off and he said he used a small screw driver and he found a paper clip and picked inside the lock and fiddled around with it and he pushed something and it snapped off. He said he also used a card he found and put it through the door to get it open. He said it’s so easy to break in peoples houses but he will never do that and will never tell anyone how people do it. I asked him why and he said it would be teaching them how to pick locks to steal things. I asked him how he learned to do it and he said “from my head.” “You’re smarter than me boy,” said Mom. “And you just left me in my room,” said Kelly. “You said you were doing your homework,” said Mom. “Besides, you wouldn’t go out the window and I said I would get you a ladder and you said no.” “I told you, I am afraid of heights. I would be scared about falling off the roof,” said Kelly. “And I said I would help you down.” “The ladder may have fallen if it didn’t stay still.” “I would have had Natalie or Matthew hold it for me as I climbed up.” “Forget it, never mind.” Dad still hadn’t called. “Man he is working this late again,” said Mom. “Can we eat sooner again if he works late?” Kelly asked. “Sure, why not,” said Mom.
Eight o clock came and Dad walked in through the door soaking wet from the rain. I was surprised to see him in that condition. “You’re all wet,” I said. “Of course I’m wet, the line was busy,” he yelled. “Who was tying up the line?” “Glen?” said Mom. “You’re home, why did you walk home?” “The line was busy and I called and called and I kept getting the busy signal. So I decided ‘ah screw it’ and walked home and someone was nice to give me a ride so I wouldn’t have to walk on the side of the road risk getting hit by a car.” The computer was left on in the kitchen by me and Mom went to it and looked and asked me, “Natalie, did you remember to sign off the internet when you got off?” “I think I forgot,” I said. Dad sighed. “That’s why.” Mom logged off the internet and AOL said “goodbye” and she shut down the computer. “What’s this?” Dad asked picking up the broken doorknob. “It broke off,” said Mom. “Kelly and I were-“ “Shhh,” Mom hissed. “Kelly and you were what?” Dad asked. “Nothing,” I said. “Kelly and you were what?” Dad asked again. “It broke off when she closed it,” said Mom. “On which door?” “Kelly’s.” “I will see if I can fix it,” said Dad. He took off his coat and hung it and got himself some food Mom made. He heated it up in the microwave as he took the doorknob upstairs with him. I just continued watching TV and then Dad came down and saying “The thing is totally busted, it can’t be fixed. Kelly told me how it happened. Now we have a doorknob we need to replace all because our daughters were fighting with it. She can just cover the hole for now and she can replace it with her own money if she wants it fixed. I can’t believe you lied to me about it.” “You always get upset,” said Mom. “I don’t need you lying to me about everything,” Dad shouted. “Then stop getting so upset about everything,” Mom shouted back. I remembered how Allie’s parents talked without doing any yelling. It was so peaceful and calm and now seeing my parents yell felt all chaotic and noisy. So I got up and said, “Can’t you two talk without doing any yelling just like Allie’s parents can?” “Natalie, butt out,” said Dad. “Why can’t you two talk without yelling?” I asked. “Why can’t we be weird like Allie’s family? Why can’t we be weird like the other families?” “I said butt out or we’ll make you go upstairs,” said Dad. He grabbed my shoulders and led me out of the kitchen. I went back to the family room and finished watching As Told By Ginger and then I watched The Brady Bunch. I used to imagine our family being like The Brady Bunch. Everyone is happy and there is hardly any yelling, still fighting but only with the kids. Instead of three girls and three boys, it was two girls and two boys in our family and no housekeeper and Brian and Matthew never shared a room. I imagined our life like a TV show. It would be called The Evans Bunch and Skippy, Princess, and Mittens would be included in their own square, all enough to fill six squares. The pets would be in the middle and Mom and Dad would be on the top and bottom in the center and Kelly and I would be on the left on top and bottom and Matthew and Brian would be on the right on top and bottom while Skippy is in the middle square in the center and Mittens is on the far right between Matthew and Brian and Princess is on the far left between Mom and Dad. Then the whole show would be about our family and with all the stuff that happens in our family and our lives. After the show ended, I went upstairs to shower. I saw my room still hadn’t been fixed so I complained about it after I was done with my shower. Dad said we would work on it maybe tomorrow. He said that last night and it still didn’t get worked on so I said I wanted it fixed now because how do I know it won’t be fixed tomorrow again. “Natalie, it’s late, I know I told you we would handle this today but it looks like your Mum didn’t get to it and I got home late because someone forgot to sign off the line when they were through and now my legs are very sore from doing all that walking and they are stiff and I need to rest them,” said Dad. I started to cry and I got upset. I felt lied to. “Then Mom can move it back,” I said. “It’s late,” Dad said again. “You can camp out in the den again.” “But you said this would be fixed today,” I cried. “Then next time remember to sign off when you are through using the internet so I am not walking home taking rides from strangers and getting my legs all stiff and sore from all that walking. You liked sleeping downstairs so why can’t you do it again?” “Because you said we would handle this today.” Dad just sighed and went to his room. I felt so good I took a shower and I didn’t cut myself again this time from shaving.
I hated my room not being done so I was stuck sleeping in the den again. I was back down in the den again and I watched the Disney channel. They were playing a movie right now. I just played with my old Little Tikes dollhouse. All our toys had been moved in here from our room when Kelly and I shared it. I just felt the doll furniture and the small Little Tikes car, we had one of those in child size when I was little and then we outgrew it and sold it at one of our garage sales and the swing, we had had one of those in toddler size and sold that too including the Little Tikes picnic table. I did put a person inside the car and put another person in the swing and then a baby in the baby carriage and rolled it around. I couldn’t believe I was playing with toys again. I am too old for this stuff. Computer and video games were more appropriate and TV and luckily I like that stuff. I noticed how I could watch TV without my parents telling me to go to bed or telling me to turn off the lights. The movie ended on Disney and 101 Dalmatians came on. I watched it and laid on the cushions. In one scene, I could see the GoldenEye movie title in the background when Anita rides her bike through Leicester square because there is a movie theater there. Dad told us it’s called the Odeon and it’s expensive. I got tired of the movie after the puppies got stolen and I played Kirby 64 instead. I tried looking for all the blue crystals. I wanted to get them all. I hated when they were trapped behind walls and stuff and I couldn’t get to them. Then I heard shouting outside. I paused the game and looked out the window. Then I jumped when something hit the window and I heard more shouting. I saw some kids were in our yard and I saw they were kids from my old school. I even heard someone running on our porch. I heard someone coming out of their room upstairs and the kids were taking off. I couldn’t understand why one of them threw a water balloon at our window. I heard someone come downstairs and the front door opened and the kids ran off fast once it opened. Then it closed and I went out in the hallway and it was Mom. “Who was it?” Dad asked from upstairs. “Just kids,” said Mom. “What are they doing out so late?” Dad asked. I was glad they were gone and I wondered why they threw something at our window. I just went back to the den and played some more and the kids never came back.
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Post by Bad Beth on Sept 25, 2014 8:03:47 GMT
Chapter 39 Mom took me to school the next day. “Okay, today please try and stay out of trouble,” said Mom. “I don’t want to get another bad report.” “If other kids will leave me alone,” I moaned. I got out of the car and closed the door and walked in the school as Mom took off. I headed to my locker and I knew to go to Mr. Brooks for English. I headed there with my binder and no Game Boy since they have computer in there so I wouldn’t need it. When I got into class, I saw Jen sitting in there at the table I always sat at. “Natalie, I want to introduce you,” said Mr. Brooks. He pointed to Jen. “She here will be your assistant and she will help you with your homework. I believe you two have met.” “Yes we have,” said Jen. “I thought you already had a job,” I said. “I work as a substitute and I took this job when I saw it being offered,” she said. “And since we have already met and you know my son, I figured we will get along. All my jobs are flexible hours.” I felt so happy I got someone I knew. I couldn’t imagine it being Mom. That would be too much. I got on the computer and I was about to play a game when the bell rang. I got off the computer and sat down by Jen. She was reading the story I read from yesterday. “I am just reading this so I can help you with it,” she said. I didn’t know what to do so I sat bored. I saw Rachael-Ann sitting alone again. I had a feeling there was something different about her, she is always alone. Now I wish I had brought my Gamy Boy. Jen kept on reading and I listened to the other teacher talk. Soon Jen finished and she had me take out my piece of paper. She had me start a fresh page. She told me what was going on in the story and I still didn’t know what to write about so she told me what to write. This felt like cheating because she was telling me how to do my work and these were her words, not mine. But I went along with it. If a grownup says so. Then the door burst open and in popped in Mrs. Trunchbull with one of her students with her, it was Ricky the quiet reader, the one who wouldn’t read out loud in class. “Can I help you?” Mr. Brooks stuttered. “Yeah, can we help you?” Jen echoed. Mrs. Trunchbull seemed to jump a mile when she saw Jen. “Yeah can we help you?” I said. “He needs a quiet environment and where he can get help with reading,” said Mrs. Trunchbull. “What did he do to make you kick him out of his class?” I said. “Shhh quiet,” Jen nudged me. Mrs. Trunchbull didn’t answer. “Okay, sure, he can sit down at that table there with those two,” Mr. Brooks pointed at our table. Ricky sat down across from me at the same table. I wondered what was going on. Was Mrs. Trunchbull starting to kick kids out of her class now when she can’t control them? Mrs. Truncbull left in a flash. “She has never sent a student directly in here before, I wonder what happened?” said Mr. Brooks. “I wouldn’t read in class,” said Ricky. “Why is she so afraid of you?” I asked Jen. “Because I got Jason out of her class and kept him in this school,” she said. “And you didn’t need Peter’s money for it,” I said. “I guess my son has told you about him and our relationship,” she said. “Why did you two break up?” I asked. “I will answer your questions after we get done here,” she said pointing to my work. We kept working on it and I would try and ask her a question about her and she kept telling me “Wait until we’re done here.” She never got mad at me when I kept forgetting. After we got done, she let me play on the computer. I forgot about all the questions to ask her because I wanted to be on the computer more than being curious. “Natalie, since you are on the computer again, Racheal-Ann will join you again,” said Mr. Brooks. He had brought her over to me and he put an extra chair next to me for her to sit. Jen just sat at the table and her and Ricky were both talking. Racheal-Ann didn’t say anything to me again. I played Math Workshop Deluxe again. I was playing the flame game. I had to solve a math problem and put out the right flame with the right answer on it. It was school related. Then the bell rang and Jen talked to Mr. Brooks. I just went to my next class. I grabbed my Game Boy and went to Math. I sat in a random seat and started playing my game. “Hey what game you’re playing?” and the Game Boy got grabbed out of my hands. I snatched it back from Jake yelling “Hey.” “I just wanted to see what the game is,” he said. “Hey, you two,” said Mrs. Zeller. “I just want to see what game she was playing,” said Jake. “He grabbed it from me,” I said. Mrs. Zeller started to talk but then Jen came in the room and she started talking to her instead. I kept playing my game and then Mrs. Zeller told me to get my math book and go with Jen. “Why?” I asked. “So you can work on your math,” she said. I got a math book and I had to check it out and Jen brought me out in the hall and there stood Jason. Oh I was going to be doing catch up. Just saying that made me picture Ketch Up and the time when I thought we were going to be playing with it when our student teacher had it written on the board and kids told me we were going to be doing stuff with it and then when the time came, we were all made to bring out our school work we were still doing and I found out that was the ketch up and I was so disappointed. Some other kids thought the same too. Jen brought us to Mr. Brooks and I sat back down at the same table and Ricky was gone and Racheal-Ann was still there. She still didn’t do any school work. “How come she isn’t working?” I asked pointing at her. “You worry about yourself,” said Mr. Brooks. “She’s disturbed,” Jason said quietly. “How?” I asked. “No family,” he said. “Foster child.” “So why doesn’t she have work because of it?” I asked. “She won’t do it,” said Jason. I thought it was weird. How can someone go to school and not work? That must be so boring. I also couldn’t imagine not doing my schoolwork and being held back and looking stupid. Mom used to tell me if I didn’t do my work or learn multiplication or memorize addiction or subtraction, kids will think I am stupid and I would also get held back if I don’t do my schoolwork and they will make me repeat the grade and kids will think I am stupid. I didn’t want to be stupid. At least I am not the Stupids or Dumb or Dumber. I used to think Mr. Bean was dumb but I realize he is smart because of stuff he does that is clever and he has a way of figuring things out. But he is just so clueless about people. I can sometimes relate to him and he can be not nice. He can be stupid sometimes like the time he ruined the Whistler painting. I would have just let it be if I sneezed on it. Also why didn’t they have it behind protective glass? They were also stupid. I knew a few kids who got held back and I never thought they were dumb. But here I was seeing kids who had been held back and it seemed very common. They were in my grade and were older or a grade behind me but my age and a little younger. Mom told me it’s more common for kids with disabilities to repeat a grade. I am so glad I never repeated one. Mom and Dad made sure of that. Jason helped me with my math. Jen wasn’t in the room with us. I didn’t know where she went. He helped me with the problems I missed in class. I didn’t get any of it so he kept telling me the answers. This was all cheating. He told me how to write out the problems and I didn’t get how to do them and I couldn’t memorize how to do it. The rules kept changing. I kept looking at Racheal-Ann and she just sat there and moved her body back and forth. Then she grabbed a box of Kleenex on the table and pulled one out and started to eat it. “Look, she is eating a tissue,” I pointed. Mr. Brooks looked and so did the other teacher and he took it from her but she started jerking hard at it. “Why was she eating it?” I asked. “Just get back to work,” said the other teacher. “Why did she eat it?” I asked Jason. ”She’s disturbed, I heard her mom used to starve her so sometimes she will eat things that isn’t food,” he said. “Weird,” I said. I wouldn’t eat anything that wasn’t food. I eat my snot when I sniff back instead of blowing my nose because it hurts sometimes and it makes my ears pop and make me dizzy from blowing too hard and getting snot all over my nose. So I blow back and it goes down my throat and I swallow instead of spitting it out because it’s easier than getting up to spit outside or in a trash can. I sometimes like to stick my tongue out to see it and then I swallow it. Racheal-Ann kept putting up a fight and the other teacher took the box of Kleenex away and Mr. Brooks grabbed her arms to keep her from hitting him and he pulled the tissue from her hands in pieces and he threw it away in the trash. I felt a little scared. “It’s okay Natalie, she just got upset because I took the tissue away from her,” said Mr. Brooks. I pictured Racheal-Ann being one of those mental patients who attack people when they don’t get their way. But this was not a mental hospital, this was school where that behavior isn’t allowed. Only mental hospitals allow it and then they lock them up in some small room or restrain them or put them in strait jackets. I wouldn’t want to be in one with crazy people. Was Racheal-Ann crazy? Why was she here instead of in the hospital? “Why is she here instead of in the mental hospital?” I asked Jason. “Natalie,” said Mr. Brooks. “What?” I asked. “Come with me please.” He was pointing his finger at me telling me to come. I got up and walked out of the room with him. We stood out in the hall by ourselves. “Racheal-Ann has issues so she may do things you find strange,” he said. “But I do not want you to make fun of her and you treat her how you would like to be treated. This is a no making fun of policy zone.” “But why isn’t she in a mental hospital where crazy people go?” I asked. “You only need to worry about yourself and not judge other people” “But only crazy people eat stuff that isn’t food and they attack people when they are stopped, I have seen it in movies.” Mr. Brooks smiled. “Those are just movies. They are not real and they don’t tell you about reality and they are not accurate. Racheal-Ann is not crazy and she isn’t violent so she won’t hurt you.” “But she hit you,” I said. “Because I was taking the Kleenex away from her and she didn’t like it so she was trying to keep me from taking it.” “But she was eating it.” “Yes.” “But only crazy people do.” “It’s only a movie,” he said again. “But why is she doing it if she isn’t crazy?” I asked. “Is she dumb?” “Natalie, sometimes people do things we find strange because it’s out of the norm but it doesn’t make them stupid.” “What’s wrong with her?” I asked. “She lived in an abusive home until the state took her and her sisters away. Her mother would starve her as a punishment or forget to feed her kids and forget to buy food so she started to eat things to fill her stomach to get rid of the hunger.” My eyes widened. Abusive home, mean mother, not lover her kids, hates them. “Yeah, you shouldn’t judge,” said Mr. Brooks. “So why does she still eat Kleenex if she gets food now?” I asked. “When children are abused, they get stuck in their habits they got during the abuse and it doesn’t go away when they are taken. They are still traumatized so they keep thinking they won’t get food. We all have to make sure there is no food in her sight or she will go right to it and start eating and we have to keep an eye on her so she won’t eat stuff that isn’t food or drink excessive water.” “Why did her mom starve her and forget to buy food and feed her?” I asked. “I don’t know, I heard her mom was very dysfunctional and she would beat them or lock them in a closet or in their rooms.” “Where was the dad?” “I don’t know, he wasn’t around I know of.” He talked to me for a few more minutes and he let me back in his room again. I couldn’t believe what kind of life she had when she was little. I was so glad my family was so normal compared to hers and my life. I don’t understand child abuse and why parents would keep their kids if they don’t love them. If they don’t like them, why don’t they just put them up for an adoption? Jason helped me more on my Math and Racheal-Ann didn’t do any more violence or eat anything else. I wondered what Kleenex tasted like. I never tried it. When I got all my problems finished including the ones we were doing today in class, class had ended and Jason asked me if I brought my video games again. “Yes,” I said. “Let’s trade,” he said. We went to my locker and I got my video games I had in my backpack. He didn’t see the diapers because I had the games in the other part of my backpack. He looked at my games. He just took my Game & Watch Gallery 2 and told me he will bring his games later. I went to Spanish and I was surprised to see Jen in there. “What are you doing here?” I asked. “I was hired to be with you all the time until they permanently find someone, did they tell you that?” she asked. I remember Mrs. Peggy saying about me having a teacher with me at all times and Mrs. Dorsell and Mrs. Zeller. “Yes but I didn’t know it was you,” I replied. “Now you do. Is right here fine?” “My seat is over there,” I pointed. “Okay, I will move.” She got up and moved to where my desk was. I went to my desk and sat down. Then Jason came in the room with his bag of games. “Mom, what are you doing here?” he asked. “I am here for my job, I told you that remember?” “I didn’t know you meant be in the same class as her.” “Now you do.” “That means you will be in some of my classes.” “That’s right.” “Oh Jason, your Mom is here,” said Garrett. Jason started to yell and Jen told him it was alright and she said she is just here with me to help me in my classes and I just happen to be in some of her son’s classes. The bell rang and everyone got seated. During class, Jen just sat nearby as Mr. Leaf taught class. Jason showed me his games again and Jen told him he is supposed to be working and to do that during lunch. “She is just going to pick a game to borrow for a week,” he said. “No, wait until lunch,” Jen said again. So Jason had to take his games again. “This is why I don’t want my mom here,” he told me. “Rules rules rules is what she follows blind as a bat.” I pictured a blind bat. He had tape over his eyes and it was hanging upside down on a ceiling. Jen didn’t say anything about her son’s complaint. Soon class got out and Jen was actually with me because she had to know where all my classes were. I guess they didn’t tell her about all my classes. I felt scared because I didn’t know how I was going to change with her with me. I couldn’t tell her I wore diapers. I just went to Science instead and I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like I was going to cry. I always changed at this time and I was worried about leaking. I would have to last through lunch. Class started and Mr. Whirt took our attendance and set it by the door. I waited about ten minutes before asking him if I could use the bathroom. He gave me a special pass and told me to do my business. Jen didn’t come with me and I was so glad. Instead she asked me if I will be fine alone. “I know how to get to the bathroom by myself, I am not some little kid,” I said. “Gee, sorry, I was just doing my job,” she said. I left class and got my backpack and headed to the health room. I didn’t see Joann this time. I didn’t have a messy diaper so it didn’t matter. I did my business and threw it away and washed my hands and went back to class. I felt so much better being in a clean diaper. But I wet it not too long later after I was back in class but I am used to wearing wet diapers. * * * I was eating my lunch when a bag plopped on the table beside me. It was Jason. I opened the bag and looked through them. I looked through the Mario games and I saw Link’s Awakening DX. I knew it was the colored version of the game so it didn’t interest me. I saw Kid Icarus Brian used to have. I didn’t feel like playing the same game again. I looked through his other games. “Are you going to eat?” I asked. “I am waiting for the line to be gone,” Jason replied. I kept on looking and I found a game. It said Mario Picross. I had never heard of it. “What’s this?” I asked. Jason looked at it and read it. “But what do you do in it?” I asked. “It’s a puzzle game, you carve out a picture the numbers tell you. It’s a pretty fun game.” I set it aside and looked through the other games including Game Boy color. I decided to eat my food before lunch ended. “You’re done?” Jason asked. “No, I just want to eat first before I choose,” I replied. Jason just sat at the table. Hecate, Damian, Lilth, and Ahriman never bothered us and in fact I didn’t even see them. They all must have been absent. “I wonder where those gothic kids went,” said Jason. “Maybe they’re absent,” I said. “I hope my mom didn’t tell.” “I hope mine didn’t tell,” I said. “You told her?” “On accident.” “How do you do it on accident?” “She wanted to know what happened yesterday during lunch so she had me start from beginning to end and I mentioned them and mentioned what we were talking about and I wasn’t thinking.” “Did you tell her to not tell?” Jason asked. “She wouldn’t listen. She wants to protect the next child they may target. Once she gets something in her head, it’s so hard to talk her out of it. She even does the opposite when you tell her to not do it.” “Wow, sounds like me.” I tried to talk Mom out of it this morning and she kept on insisting she has to do it and she would tell them to not tell them who told on them. I was so worried they would know it’s me or think it was Jason who told. Finally I had to have a freak out and be all scared to get through to her. “Hey, what’s behavior modification?” I asked Jason. “It’s what they use on me so I can act appropriate,” he said. “I earn these points and whenever I earn enough, I get a new video game or something I want.” “Why do you need it to act appropriate?” I asked. Jason shrugged. “It’s what grownups do to teach me how to act like a normie so I can live a normal life and it just helps me act like one because it gives me a learning attitude and I put more work into it. Then I get home and I am so ready to relax from all that acting. My mom doesn’t use it on me twenty four seven but then I don’t get points. But my grandpa was able to live a life without having to act like a normie but my mom said just because he lucked out doesn’t mean I will too and times were different then. Unless I plan on running my own business, I still need some social skills so I can get business.” “Why do they make a big deal out of social skills?” I asked. “It’s a game they play,” said Jason. “People pretend all the time.” “How do they pretend?” “Because it’s not who they are; they do fake smiles, talk about things they are not interested in or care about, people lie all the time and they make up excuses. When people say we need to be honest, they don’t mean it because if I told someone their teeth are ugly, they will get mad and I am in trouble.” “I didn’t know being mean was being honest,” I said. “I was taught to keep it inside your head if it’s not nice and no one is telling you to say it.” “If I say anything mean, I lose ten points,” said Jason. That sounded similar to owing my parents a quarter for saying a bad word. But it was always stupid because I never had quarters and I didn’t care if I had to go to my piggy bank and dig out a quarter and give to them and even on road trips I didn’t have any so it didn’t matter. “But I always feel like I am losing when I keep losing points,” said Jason. “I always have to be perfect.” “Why?” “Because they’re normies. They want us to be perfect while they can make mistakes but Mom doesn’t always take my points away. She reminds me, lets me make mistakes, corrects me, she only takes them if she thinks I am not trying or thinks I did it on purpose like if I say something honest and she had already told me it’s rude.” “So why didn’t you want to be a normie to Hecate, Ahriman, Damian, and Lilth?” I asked. “Because they only liked me if I acted like one and wouldn’t accept me. Maybe if they gave me games, then I would have done it but it was too exhausting because I am already doing it for the grownups. My mom won’t allow anyone to make me do quiet hands,” said Jason. “What’s quiet hands?” I asked. “It’s when they make you keep your hands still which is so idiotic because even normies don’t do quiet hands. They are always doing something with them as they listen or wait. They click pens or tap their fingers together or doodle or drum them or rub them together. Instead they make me do things with them that are appropriate and I earn points for doing it. I play my Game Boy and I am doing something with my hands. They’re not quiet. But it’s better than me drawing attention to myself and looking like a crazy retard. They will mind as well call it still hands since mine don’t always make noise when I move them.” “I remember Mrs. Bitch didn’t like me playing with my hands and I wasn’t making any noise and she grabs them and says quiet hands,” I said. “She wanted still hands.” Then he got up to get his lunch. The line was way down and only few kids were left in line. I kept eating my lunch and then I was done and I looked at the games again. Jason came back with his food and he told me more about his behavior modification. It sounded like fun. “I wish I had that,” I said. “Then I would be getting stuff I want. I always have to wait every month to get a new game.” “Why?” Jason asked. I told him about my Dad again and me catching him drinking and overhearing him under the house and to keep me quiet, he gets me a game every month. “Looks like you already have your own version of a behavior plan,” said Jason. “Why?” “It’s making you keep secrets and you get a game if you never tell it,” he said. I decided on Mario Picross so I put it in my pocket and told him I was done looking. “Which game did you borrow?” I showed him. Jason put all his games back in the bag and took the bag and set it in front of him.
When lunch time ended, Jason and I headed to PE. I had to put his game in my locker and I took my odor pill and went to the gym. Jen was in there with me and she just sat in the bleachers. Kids asked Jason about his mother and he said she was there for me. Jason’s aid was in there too and she and Jen talked. I heard some more stories about Mrs. Trunchbull and how she has gotten meaner because kids have gotten wild. “I think they have copy catted you,” Jeremy told me. I didn’t care. Maybe she will quit her job. When one o clock came, Jason, Jared, and I all had to go to therapy. We all went to the class and sat down. Mrs. Grenzle arrived and started class. None of our aids were with us. Jason was happy his mom wasn’t in here with him. He told me it’s going to be so hard having his mom in his classes. I tried to imagine what if Mom took a job here and was my aid. I wonder how good she would function here for six and a half hours a day. Mom has always worked part time because she could never handle full time and she tried working at a McDonalds once but quit after a week because it was too much noise for her and she couldn’t keep up with the pace. Then she has worked at a hotel and another coworker there would mess up her work and make up stories about her to their boss and the boss always believed the co worker. Mom got sick of it and quit before they could fire her. Sometimes I worry I will still get picked on as an adult because I’m different. If it’s happened to Mom, that means it will still happen to me. But Dad says that is just her and only her perspective and he has never hear the other side so he doesn’t make her work, instead he has her be a housewife. The session went on and we all talked and earned group bucks for participation. Then at the end of the session, we grabbed our envelopes and I counted all my fake money. There was prizes Mrs. Grenzle had put out on the table for us to trade our bucks for. I looked at the cost of the prizes and I had enough to trade them in for a keychain I always see at Spencers. They have these cool key chains you can play with. She had Don’t Spill the Beans so I traded my group bucks for that. Jason got something too and it was some yo yo that makes noise and lights up when you play with it. He opened it and started to play it. I waited until I got to geography to open up my prize and play with it. I opened it and looked at the directions and set my game up. I hadn’t played this game since I was six. Now I had the keychain version of it. I put some beans on the pot and kept doing it until it tipped. Jen was in the room and she saw the game. She offered to throw away the package it came in and sat beside me. We played it until class started and then she told me I had to put it away now. I put all the beans in the pot and put the top on and held the keychain my hand. I rubbed it and played with the keychain that was in it on my lap. No one told me to do quiet hands or no play hands. Get it? Play hands? I honestly was finding the term quiet hands funny. I pictures hands talking and making noise and people tell them to be quiet. The rest of the day went good and I noticed not one kid bothered me. Maybe it was because Jen was here so no one would dare to mess with me with a grownup with me. Then school got out and I was looking forward to going home and relaxing. Jen walked outside with me and I saw Mom’s car. “I can get to the car myself you know,” I said. “I know, I am just doing my job. I am to be with you until school is over,” she said. “It is over,” I said. “Not until you leave I meant.” We walked closer to Mom’s car and then Jen stopped and let me walk the rest of the way and she just watched me as if I would run off and not get to the car. I felt like some mental nutcase who couldn’t be alone. I got in the car and Mom asked me how school was. “No one picked on me because Jason’s mom is with me all the time,” I said. “They hired her to be with me through school until they find a teacher for me.” “Good, good,” she said. “I have to see your old English teacher so I will be right back. I hope she is still in her classroom.” “Why?” I asked. “I have to see her so be right back unless you want to come with me.” “I’ll wait,” I said. “Okay.” Mom got out. She walked to the school. I just sat and waited. I watched kids get to their vans and buses. I saw Jen and Jason walking to her car on the other side of the parking lot. I sat and waited and I played Mario Picross. It didn’t take me long to figure it out. I wondered if Mom got overwhelmed again in the hallway because of the other kids. I knew the hallways would clear and stay clear. Soon Mom came out and she got back in the car sighing. “What happened?’ I asked. “Let’s see if your old English teacher will still be teaching here,” she replied starting the car. We went home together and when we got home, Mom called for Kelly. I took off my stuff and put my coat and backpack away in the closet. Mom went upstairs. I heard her talking to Kelly. I turned on the TV to see what was on. I saw Hey Arnold was playing. I played more of the Mario Picross. I hated the time limit and losing time when you hit the wrong square. I basically had to memorize which square to hit before getting a game over. It felt more like construction and I was just drilling a pattern in the wall. Then Kelly came down in the family room. “Mom is so mad at me but she didn’t yell,” she said. “Why?” I asked. “I took your tape recorder and forgot all about it,” she said. “Why?” I asked. I was shocked she took it and pretended she didn’t know where it went. “I was mad at you and I saw it and listened to it and heard what your teacher told you and I knew you wanted it so I took it and hid it and I sat back watching you suffer and then you got out of that mess and I thought you didn’t need it anymore so I forgot all about it. Then Mom found it and asked me about it and I confessed and then she said she wasn’t happy with me and asked me what I wanted to do about it and what the consequence should be and I was shocked she was letting me pick a punishment.” “Why were you mad at me?” “Because you always think of yourself and never look from other peoples perspective and don’t seem to get others have it and you turn everything into an argument and get away with it.” I was confused at the accusation. “What?” I asked. “I think about you guys all the time.” “What do you think about when you think of us?” “What you guys are doing, how we used to play together. Imagining Dad not drinking and Mom being normal and you not being a strange sister and not getting mad at Mom and Matthew not getting upset over nothing and being able to be quicker every morning before school.” “I meant like when I want to do my homework, you argue about leaving my room and you just want to stay and argue until you get your way and you don’t even get that I want to be in my room alone,” said Kelly. “I know you want to be in your room,” I said. “I was just telling you you can be alone somewhere else and you don’t need to do your homework in your room.” “How hard is it to just accept some people just want to be in their own personal space, my room is my personal space and if you like the computer so much, maybe we should move it out of my room and have it in the den or in your room and you can see how it feels to have someone in there when you want to be alone but can’t because they are in your room and you can’t be alone in there.” “But I don’ understand why you can do to the den to be alone, you’re doing your homework so why does it need to be in your room?” I asked. “Why can’t you do it with me in there?” “You don’t need to understand why I need to be alone and why I must be in my room for it, you just have to accept it, not understand it. Mom goes to her room to be alone, why can’t I be alone in my own room? You seem to think you need to understand it to accept it but you don’t. Trust me, there are things out there people do I don’t get but I have to accept it out of their respect so it’s not just you.” “Like what?” I asked. “Well...” she started to think. “There is nothing out there you don’t get,” I said. “There is,” she said. “But you have to think and if there were things out there you don’t understand but have to accept, you would have already been listing them than having to come up with anything to say,” I said. “So why don’t you do that with Mom then?” “Do what with her?” “Just accept things about her without understanding it.” “Maybe you should too if I have to,” said Kelly. “We just have a weird mother and there will be things about her we won’t get and there are things about Grandma Del I will never get or about Uncle John or about Matthew or about our Dad.” This was all feeling funny. I wondered how far this can go. What if someone didn’t want you in a park, should you leave because they want you to? Even if they don’t say why, you should still leave. Or what about when Kids didn’t like me playing in the creek outside our neighborhood and poop and pee washes down the stream so why was it a big deal? Should I not swim in the creek just for their respect and accept it? This was going to be hard. “Well, Mom sent me down here because I had picked a punishment and it was doing things with you so I came down here to see what you were up too and I said I had to do this for the whole weekend and now and tomorrow and she thought it was a great idea. She may act retarded and not care about us-“ “Um,” I said about retarded. “And be all abusive, and cold, and embarrass us, is clueless in social situations and absent minded and can’t have a normal conversation and not care about my day, she actually let me pick out a punishment and said she will tell me if she thinks the punishment is appropriate or not after I pick it so I said I won’t be allowed to go to school and she said “try again” so I picked “no babysitting for a week” and she said “is that what you really want?” and I decided to pick another punishment, so I said “what if I had to spend time with my sister for a few days and spend time together over the weekend?” and Mom said “if you don’t mind playing video games and hearing about James Bond and watching it and doing computer with her but maybe you both can find other things to do you both like doing together” and I liked that idea. She said we both hadn’t played together in a while and it would be great to see us doing it again. I don’t know why she did that.” I knew she was talking about picking out a punishment. So now I was going to be stuck with my sister doing stuff together and not be able to do what I like. I was being punished too all because of her. “But I don’t know what to do together,” I said. “Did you do this just to torture me more?” “No Natalie, I am just trying to be nice by trying to make it up to you and you think I am doing this to annoy you?” Kelly asked. “But then I won’t be able to do what I want to do,” I said. “What do you want to do?” I was nervous to answer. I pictured playing my games and being on the computer and chatting and watching TV and watching GoldenEye. “I know what you like to do and it’s okay,” said Kelly. “I did pick this punishment and I thought maybe you will like to baby sit with me.” “Really?” I asked. Kelly jerked away from me and said. “You’re shouting, yes. I have to babysit this Saturday because Cheryl and Wayne want to go play bingo with some friends down in Portland and they are leaving their kids at home and Mackenzie doesn’t want to baby sit.” I got so excited I felt like jumping and bouncing and shaking my hands and arms so I let it out. I got up and cheered and started jumping and shaking my hands in the air. Kelly had to say my name several times to get m to stop. “If you want to babysit, can you please be a normie while you are there?” she asked. “No hopping and jumping and making those funny sounds and doing this,” she shook her hands in the air. “I will give you part of my baby sitting money if you don’t do them and they have to be fine with you being there and I will tell them they don’t need to pay you. You are just learning to baby sit and need some experience.” “Okay,” I said. I felt so happy about babysitting finally and I was hoping to do it more. I was hoping Wayne and Cheryl would be okay with it. Then Mom came in the house with a box and brought it to the living room. “Kids, you want to decorate the tree?” Mom called. “Yeah,” I shouted. Kelly came in the living room too and Mom opened the box of ornaments. “Matthew, we are going to decorate the tree, come on down.” Kelly and I started to take out the ornaments and put them on the tree. “Too bad Dad is missing this,” I said. “Matthew,” Mom called again. We kept putting ornaments on the tree. Mom called Matthew a few more times and Kelly finally told her if she will stop shouting and just go up there and get him. Mom left and Kelly said to me, “Geez, she could have just gone up there and call him than shouting.” “She didn’t want to go all the way up there and back and then up there again,” I said. “Being lazy,” said Kelly. “Too bad we don’t have these speakers in our house to talk to someone in another room like some houses do or to someone at the front door,” I said. “That would be cool,” said Kelly. Mom came back down and continued putting ornaments on the tree with us. Then Matthew came down. “You started without me,” he cried. “I told you we were starting and you wouldn’t come down,” said Mom. Matthew just started crying. “There are still plenty left,” said Mom. He started to put some on the tree slowly. “Who’s turn is it to walk Sippy?” Mom asked. I looked in the kitchen and my name was listed. “Mine,” I shouted from the kitchen. “Oh, I forgot something,” said Mom. She went in the family room while I went back in the living room. Then Nat King Cole came on. “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols being by a choir…” “Okay, do you kids want to put on some garland and some balls?” Mom asked when she came back in the living room. I never cared for those. Kelly and Matthew wanted some so Mom went back under the house and came back in with a few boxes and garland hanging on her arm. Then she left again and brought in our home made chained garland we made with art paper. I was real long and we all made it together. Just a family thing we did. Mom put it on the couch. Then she headed to the piano in the corner of the living room and turned something on and the Christmas village lit up. “There,” she said. Nat King Cole continued playing in the background and pretty soon we finished putting up the ornaments. We had more but we didn’t have up a real tree yet and there probably wouldn’t be one this year unless we go to the forest and cut down our own tree. “I can’t believe Dad missed this,” I said. “He never puts them on the tree,” said Mom. “Instead he always take movies.” “We didn’t even do that,” said Kelly. “Oh gosh, you’re right, we may have to take the ornaments off and do a due over if your father gets upset,” said Mom. “Or just get a real tree and he can take movies of us putting it up,” said Matthew. “If Dad is okay with it,” said Mom. “Or cut one down ourselves,” I said. “Or go to a thrift store and buy one for cheap,” said Mom. “I am sure they will have a used one for inexpensive price. Oh Natalie, you can walk Skippy now since we’re done with the tree.” Now next was Christmas shopping and wrapping presents, if Dad will let us do it this year which is what I feared so I wasn’t feeling excited for Christmas this year. What is the point in this holiday if there won’t be any presents? I got the leash and took Skippy out for a walk. At least for him, there are no holidays so he didn’t have to worry about not getting any presents. I walked him around the neighborhood and through the park . Then I ran into some kids from my old school, Travis, Scott, Zachary, Bobby, and Richard. They started to taunt me and make fun of me. I just kept on walking. I didn’t feel like fighting them. They followed after me and I kept on walking. “Where are you going diaper girl?” Bobby asked. “Leave me alone please,” I said. “How was jail?” Richard asked. The boys ran after me and I ran and Skippy trotted next to me but the boys caught up to me. They grabbed me and pushed me down on the grass. I got up but one of them pushed me down again. There were too many of them for me to fight. I saw Skippy was standing over me and Travis said “Hey get this digesting animal out of here.” Zachary grabbed Skippy’s leash and pulled him away from me. Bobby and Richard both grabbed my arms and pulled me up. Their grips hurt and I ignored the pain. Skippy started to growl and bark. I tried to kick them and Bobby said “Stop kicking bitch,” and he kicked me hard in the leg. Skippy pulled hard on his leash and Zachary held back hard on it but Skippy kept on tugging and he was showing his teeth and growling hard. “If your nasty animal bites us, my parents will have it put to sleep,” said Richard. “I will just say he was protecting me and you guys were beating me up and grabbing me,” I said. I was socked hard in the stomach and it knocked the wind out of me. Skippy then pulled hard and got free from Zachary and charged after the other boys. Bobby and Richard let go of me and ran and so did the other boys. Skippy chased after them and then he stopped and watched them take off. I was still in pain and I was sure I had bruises starting. My clothes were muddy from the grass. “Let’s go home, I had enough of this,” I told him taking his leash. Skippy seemed to have agreed and we went home together. Why did those boys attack me and push me to the ground?
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Post by Bad Beth on Sept 26, 2014 8:11:59 GMT
Chapter 40
Mom had gotten a call from one of the parents about our dog. It went something like this: “Your dog attacked my son,” said the mother. “Why? What happened?” Mom asked. “He chased after them and growled and showed his teeth.” “Was your son bitten?” “No I didn’t see any bite marks.” “Did your kid happen to bully my daughter?” “Yeah.” “So he was defending her and your son wasn’t hurt and since they assaulted my daughter, we could press charges and our dog never bit anyone so if you wish to try and get the animal control to come here to get him and destroy him, I can press charges on the assault.” I wasn’t sure how the phone call went but Mom told me about it. I did have a big bruise on my bottom leg from where Bobby kicked me and I had a bruise where my rib cage is from where Richard punched me. Dad was so worried about me, he took me to Donna’s who is a nurse to have her check me out to say if I needed to go to the hospital or not. I had to take off my shirt and have her check me and pull up my pants legs so she could examine the bruises and said I will be fine and I didn’t need to go to a doctor. Dad was so happy to hear that because it meant there wouldn’t be a medical bill and Donna didn’t mind checking me out for free of charge. I was also able to shower to get cleaned up so good thing I was pushed to the ground. Mom told me you just have to know what the laws are to avoid people taking advantage of you and it gives you more power and the law is you can press charges on your own children or on other peoples children if they assault you and your child so the parents couldn’t do anything about what Skippy did because he didn’t bite them or attack them, he only scared them and he was being a good watch dog and very loyal to his owner. Mom didn’t think he would attack the kids and bite them because he isn’t aggressive dog. I had bruises to prove I was assaulted. Mom just took pictures of them just in case she would need them. But this was all last night and now it was morning and I was on my way to school. Mom dropped me off and Jen was waiting outside for me. I felt like a retard. “I can go inside by myself,” I said to her. “I am just doing my job,” she said. “Can you at least tell them to let me walk out to the car by myself and into the school by myself?” I said. “With all the problems you had been having here, they said it’s best I am always with you,” she said. We went to my locker and I put my stuff in there and got out my binder and went to Mr. Brooks. “TGIF,”I shouted when I got to class. “Hey why do blondes have TGIF in their shoes? Toes go in first.” Jen snickered. “The blonde gets on the elevator and another man steps on. TGIF sir she says. S-H-I-T says the guy. I was just trying to be nice, says the blonde. T for thank, G for goodness, I for it’s, and F for Friday. The guy says back, S for sorry, H for honey, I for it’s and T for Thursday.” Jen laughed and so did Mr. Brooks. “She loves blonde jokes,” said Jen. “You like blonde jokes?” one of the kids asked. “But you have blonde hair.” “So,” I said. “But you like blonde jokes,” he said again. “So, I can like blonde jokes with my hair color,” I said. “But don’t they offend you?” “No, why would they? They’re jokes.” “The whole point of them is to make fun of the stereotypes about it. That is something some people believe about blonde haired people,” said Jen. “People would make up jokes to make fun of them and that is why blonde jokes exist. They are meant to make fun of blonde haired people.” “But I don’t feel made fun of,” I said. “I first heard them a year ago from my Dad and I have been hooked on them ever since.” “It’s good you can poke fun at yourself,” said Jen. School started and Mr. Brooks took attendance and set it outside the door. He handed me some books for English and told me Mrs. Vicky wanted me to select three choices to read for class and write about what is going on in the story and go online and find some pictures that are related to the book. I didn’t understand the assignment so he had to explain it to me. But he explained it to Jen and then she told me what I am supposed to do it in. It was a book project and I read a book and have to write about the story and what happened in it and who the characters are and I would have to find some pictures online and she would help me with it. The book wasn’t due until after Christmas so I had a whole month to do it and if I get done before then, I could always read another book and do it and turn it in for extra credit. I looked at the books and they were Sasquatch, Holes, and Hatchet. I had seen Hatchet but never read the book. I read the back of Holes and didn’t feel like reading it. I read the back of Sasquatch and it was about some creature and the boy having a strange dad but he may not be strange after all. Was he strange because he believed in something ridiculous? I decided to pick that book. I pushed the other books away. “You want that one?” Jen asked. “I pushed the other books away,” I said. Jen was being a dumb blonde. It’s cool dumb blondes really do exist but I know it’s just a coincidence, their hair color has nothing to do with it because anyone can be dumb. “So you want that book then, okay,” said Jen. Then she told me I had another assignment to do and pulled out a worksheet for me. It was a DOL. Jen explained how to do it and I started to correct all the mistakes I saw. I had to write down the sentence with all the errors and then rewrite it with all the corrections. After I was done, I was allowed to read the book I picked. I noticed it took place in our area. It was either in Washington or in Portland they lived. I looked at the copyright date and it was published two years ago and I read about the author on the back cover and he lived in Wilsonville, Oregon with his wife Marie. No wonder he had it took place here. I found Dylan’s father interesting. He liked to tinker with things in his garage and he would get so absorbed into his hobbies and interest, he would forget about everything else, his wife had to remind him to do things. He also needed advance warnings. Why did some of it remind me of my family? I could relate to Dylan about having a strange dad. I had a strange brother and mom. But his dad was still caring and nice and made friends within his interest in this creature that supposedly lived up in the mountains around Mount Saint Helens. But then his dad was normal all of a sudden when he was up to something he didn’t want anyone knowing about. I knew now how his dad was strange. I wondered if Dylan’s parents ever fought because of his dad’s weirdness. I also didn’t like it when he traded his wife’s Bug in (she called her car) for a red truck thinking she would love it because she liked the color red. At least he was thinking of her when he traded it in and he hated the Bug. I could never do something like that because I would be so upset if someone got rid of something I liked so I imagined his wife being so upset when she comes back from Egypt and sees her Bug gone. I wrote stuff down as I read so I could remember and not have to go back for details. I wrote what was going on in each chapter. This book was so easy to follow and understand. Jen just sat at the table with me as I did my work. I needed no help. Soon the bell rang and I packed up my stuff and headed to my next class. Jen walked with me to class. Not one kid bothered me again. I turned in my other math work I caught up on and today after school I was going to go over to Jason’s to do Ketch Up. Mrs. Zeller was glad I was finally catching up but I heard some good news from other kids. Mrs. Trunchbull was gone. She has mysteriously quit yesterday after school ended and gave no real reason why. So they got a new substitute they found right away. “It was about time,” said Russell. “I am so glad she is gone,” said Amber. “Natalie, Mrs. B is gone,” said Jake. “I know,” I said. “We have never had a teacher quit here without notice so this whole thing is strange,” said Mrs. Zeller. “I wonder what happened,” Matt asked. “I bet your Mom had something to do with this, she was holding a tape recorder in her hand as she walked by Jason and I saying I didn’t need money to get rid of her,” Jen told me. “She told me she had business to take care of and said let’s see if she would still be working here today. I didn’t see how the tape recorder would help but it did must have since she isn’t here.” I wondered what Mom did exactly with it. I wondered if she tricked her into confessing everything and Mom secretly recorded it and played it and told her either she quits or she shows it to the principal. I would have to play it when I get home to see what was said. The bell rang and Mrs. Zeller got class started. It went on like normal and I copied the math problems. In Spanish, kids talked about Mrs. Trunchbull being gone again. I realized this was like the reality of Matilda. I was new here, I got stuck with a teacher that is mean and liked to torture students and me always getting into trouble was my superpowers and then getting kicked out and causing other kids to act up in class after finding out she had no power to send them away, then my mom shows up and does something instead of having all of us throw food at her and water balloons. So stuff that does happen in movies does happen in real life but they always change them to make it more entertaining. “Natalie, guess what? Mrs. B is gone,” said Jason. “I know,” I said. “My mom had something to do with it.” “How did she do it?” “I have no idea,” I said. “And she didn’t even need to sue and have lot of money.” I kept wondering what Mom did to get rid of her. I remembered hearing her fighting with Dad about it and Mom saying she would figure something out and Dad saying do what she wants. In Science, I heard the same news about Mrs. Trunchbull being gone. I just didn’t care anymore about the news. It was old and kids wouldn’t stop obsessing about it. Some were asking where she went and none of the teachers knew. I knew it was because of my mother. Having a strange mom wasn’t so bad after all. Wait until Kelly hears about this.
I ran into Lilth, Damian, Hecate, and Ahriman again at lunch. “I hear Mrs. Kink is gone?” said Damian. “Yep,” I said. “My mom had something to do with it.” “Really? So she was that easy to get rid of huh?” “I guess,” I said. “Where were you guys yesterday?” I asked. “That is what we are here for?” said Damian. “Who is the rat here?” Lilth asked. “Not me,” I lied. “I bet it was that blonde haired retard boy that told,” said Damian. “He is not a retard,” I yelled. The talking stopped for a second. “Oh yeah, he can’t even hold a conversation or talk about anything besides his drums and video games and he is so stupid,” said Ahriman. “Not with me, we talk about lot of stuff,” I said. “We have conversations all the time and he knows how to do algebra.” “You’re just like him or unless you know how to talk like a retard,” said Damian. Then Jen came over to us. . “Enough,” said Jen. “You four leave before I tell a teacher.” The kids walked away and I was so glad Jen got rid of them for me. “I heard you sticking up for my son,” she said. “Thanks,” I said. “I just want to be sure of something, are you and my son really boyfriend and girlfriend?” “Yes,” I said. “When did that happen?” “I don’t know.” “Did you know he was your boyfriend?” “No.” “When did you find out he was your boyfriend?” “When he called me his girlfriend,” I said. “When did he do that?” “Two days ago,” I said. “He doesn’t understand, he thinks you’re his girlfriend just because you two talk and hang out,” said Jen. “So I don’t have a boyfriend?” I asked. “No,” said Jen. I was so disappointed. I didn’t have my first boyfriend after all. My turn came and I punched in my number. Jen did the same and we both got our food. I saw Jason eating at the table. I sat down next to him. Jen sat down too. “Mom, do you have to be here?” Jason asked her. “I am here with Natalie,” she said. “I don’t want to be with you during school,” said Jason. “Are you embarrassed by me?” Jen asked. “She’s cool,” I said. “What is there to be embarrassed about?” “Why does she need you all the time, Mrs. Zolt doesn’t sit with me at the table,” said Jason. “They want me to be with Natalie at all times during school,” said Jen. “I am not sitting here to be with you unless you want Natalie to leave so I will leave.” “What is wrong with her being with you?” I asked. “Nothing. It just feels weird having my mom with me and it feels weird having her in my classes and having other kids seeing us together. Now they will see us together during lunch,” said Jason. “Jason, this is only until they find someone,” said Jen. “Whatever.” Then a group of kids came up to Jen and started talking to her. Jen talked too with them for a few minutes and then they left. I kept on eating and I noticed the kids left a small cup on our table. “Why do they want you to have a teacher with you every time?” Jason asked me. “Because it’s what they want,” I said. “They want someone with her so they can monitor her behavior,” said Jen. Kids laughed as they walked by our table or looked towards us. Jason got upset thinking they were laughing at him. Jen told him to not worry and they had no reason to laugh at him and it was all in his head. Then a kid came by and stuck some food in the cup. “Hey, why did you do that?” Jen asked him. He pointed at our table and Jen looked. Jason looked too and grabbed at it and he started ripping it up. “They’re just acting stupid,” said Jen. I was curious what the sign said. “What did it say?” I asked. “Nothing, don’t worry about it Natalie,” said Jen. “Aspie and aspie junior,” Jason yelled. I got up to see the sign and I saw big words. “I want to see it,” I said. “I’ll throw it away.” “Thank you Natalie,” said Jen. Jason tossed the sign on the ground and I picked it up and the other part on the table and brought it to the trash cans. I assembled it and read it. “Here sits aspe junior and aspe senior.” I went back to the table and sat down to eat again. I wondered why those kids put the sign on our table. Jason was still upset about it and Jen didn’t find it a big deal and said they probably did it as a joke to be funny and there was nothing mean about the sign. “What’s aspe?” I asked. “Aspie? It’s a cute term for people who have Asperger’s syndrome,” said Jen. “I thought it was asspie,” I said. “No, it’s aspie,” said Jen. I thought the term was funny. As-pee. It still sounded like ass pee. “But isn’t it an insult?” I asked. “No it’s not,” said Jen. Maybe Gary wasn’t being mean to me when he kept calling me that. But I still hated being accused of it. He called anyone that if he thought they had it. Anything I did he thought was asspie. At least it wasn’t him who put up the sign. We ate our lunch and then I was done. I read my book some more and took notes. I was enjoying the story so much, I couldn’t put it down. I was going to get this done so fast.
The rest of the day went on smoothly and kids couldn’t get over Mrs. Trunchbull being gone. The topic was so boring now. I saw Allie again that day and I asked her about her diapers without saying the D word. “It’s fine,” she said. “Do you like it so far?” “I wish I didn’t have to to school.” “I do,” I said. “I got used to it and now you know how it feels to keep it hidden here. You wanted them so you got them.” “I had to do the other thing and that was bad enough so I thought I could cheat so I did and I couldn’t get it back on so I had to put on a clean one and my mom found out so she added another week. Now I am in them until after the New Years.” “How did she find out?” I asked. “She wouldn’t tell me. She said it was a parent’s secret.” I remember Mom refusing to tell me how she finds out. She said they have their ways and I will figure it out when I have kids. Dad used to say they have eyes at the back of their heads. I always wondered how they saw with their hair covering their eyes. Now I know it was just a lie he told us. There are no eyes back there and little kids will believe anything. It’s like how parents will tell their kids there is Santa Clause to make them behave all year around and tell them about the Easter Bunny to make them go to bed so they will stay in bed so they will get their baskets. I also had to see my school counselor and Jen didn’t even go in the room with me. Mrs. Grenzle came and got me from PE. She brought me to her office and we sat. She asked me about school so far and how things have been now that I have a teacher’s assistant with me. I told her not one kid has bothered me and she brought up the lunch room incident. She asked me what would have been a better way to solve it. I told her there was no other way because those kids would not leave. “How about getting another adult?” Mrs. Grenzle asked. I never thought of it. “If another kid is bothering you and they will not leave you alone, you get another adult involved,” she said. “But you do not try and handle it yourself with fights or fists because that won’t get you anywhere in the real world. Now how would you handle it in the real world?” I thought. “The police?’ I guessed. “Yes, you call the police if someone is harassing you or get help from a store employee.” I got all these what ifs in my head. “What if someone started to attack me?” I asked. “What happens is, that person would end up getting charged with assault.” I told her about last might while I was walking Skippy. Kids from my old school decided to push me and kick me and punch me and my dog protected me. I should have fought back but there were too many of them. Mrs. Grenzle was sorry that happened and said they could go to jail for that if they did that and I could have pressed charges. I told her I didn’t want to and I just wanted to move on and Skippy scared them off. I showed her my bruise on my leg and she said, “That is a big big one, does it hurt?” “Yeah,” I said. “It just feels sore and I have another one on my tummy here,” pointing to my tummy where my rib cage is that is right under my chest. “Now I feel scared to walk him again on my own.” “That’s why you should press charges so it won’t happen again if you are afraid.” Soon the session ended and she said she would see me again next Friday.
Soon school was out for the weekend and I was so happy. I was looking forward to the weekend. I saw Jen clock out in the office and then we met up with Jason and we headed to her car. I was hoping for no messy accidents. I wasn’t going to even think about it. I sat in the back and Jason was sitting in the front again. He talked about his drums and when Peter Faltskog used to play them and gave him a set for Christmas. When we got to their apartment, Jen parked her car and we all got out. We went up to her apartment and she unlocked it and I took my stuff out of my backpack being careful about my diapers not showing. I didn’t have any wipes. I started to feel stressed inside. I would just use a wet rag and I hoped for no messy accidents. “Do you want a snack Natalie?” Jen asked. “No thanks,” I said. I wanted to stay thin so I didn’t want any extra calories. I wanted my butt to look smaller in clothes. Until Mom was done saying my butt looked big, then I would know I am thin. Jason said yes to snacks. Jen made him something and set it on the table. It was cheese and crackers. Jason started to help me with my Math and the food just sat there. Jen played her classical music. It felt so relaxing and calming. Then some songs played I had heard in Fantasia and in Jingle All the way where Howard chases after the yellow ball and then gets hit with shopping bags by a bunch of moms and Nutcracker music played. Jason didn’t complain about the music. Jen made dinner as we worked on my Math and then she was serving Jason some food and asked me if I wanted any. I was starving so I said sure. Jen had made soft tacos with cheese in them. I had one and it tasted good so I had another one. Then Jen told us to have a little break so Jason took me into his room and he played his drum set again. He played a beat and I played his Nintendo 64 again. I jumped into the painting and I went down the chimney and raced the Penguin to the bottom. I won and got the star. Jason played the drums the whole time and then Jen said I had to get back to my homework. Jen had to call Jason several times to get him to stop playing his drums and to help me with my homework. He put the sticks down and helped me again. Not too long later, I started to poop. I felt it spreading in the middle of my diaper and the mess spreading around. No, no here, no no no. Why couldn’t it wait until I got home? I lost my concentration and I started to rock back and forth dealing with the stress. “You okay?” Jason asked. “Yeah,” I lied. Jason kept helping me with a problem and I could feel the poop inside my diaper. I couldn’t enjoy it, not here. I knew it would make my diaper leak sooner and make it messier when I pee again. It was going to be a big mess to clean. I just wanted to go home now. I looked at the grandfather clock they had in the dining room. It wasn’t real fancy. It was just plain black with a window with chimes in it and clock above it. I watched it move and the clock was ticking and the thing was going to make the hands move. Jason saw I was distracted again and he looked at the clock and shouted, “Mom, you need to stop winding that clock, it’s too loud and distracting. How many times have I told you that?” “Go to your room,” said Jen. “But I am helping Natalie here.” “No, go to your room and do it in there if the clock is too loud.” The clock wasn’t loud or distracting. I think Jason thought it was taking away my focus. I have always liked grandfather clocks and wished my parents had one but instead they got a piano for Kelly when she took piano lessons. But it wasn’t a grand piano. Jason closed the math book and told me we were going to his room and bring the chair with. I got up and I picked up my chair I was in and carried it to his room and Jason had my math book on his desk and I knew that was where we were going to do my homework. I had to go back and bring in my binder. Jason was opening up one of his CDs and putting it in his player. “Now we can listen to some real music instead of my mom’s boring songs,” he said. The song started and I heard a guy’s voice. “I will surrender and feel your….” I had never heard this song and it wasn’t my type of music because of instruments they were using. “Do you like it?” Jason asked. “What is it?” I asked. “Peter Faltskog,” he replied. “I hate this music.” “I got Pink Floyd, Traffic, Genesis, Fleetwood Mac, oh you like Phil Collins?” “Yeah,” I said. I had heard of Phil Collins. I first heard him singing music for Tarzan and then I started to hear his old music on the radio and I had no clue he sang back in the eighties. Jason took out Peter Faltskog and put the disc back in the case and put in another CD and I heard Phil Collins voice again. I remembered I had on a poopy diaper. I didn’t know what to do without Jason finding out. “Natalie, come on,” said Jason pulling out his chair. I sat down and he started helping me again. Then I couldn’t take it and I said, “I don’t feel good, I want to go home.” “What’s wrong?” Jason asked. “I don’t feel good, I want to go home,” I said again. “Are you sick?” “I just don’t feel good, I want to go home,” I repeated. “Why?” “I want to go home,” I yelled and started crying. I got up and hid in the corner and got on the floor. “Mom?” Jason shouted. “Mom?” I wanted to get out of here but my house was too far away. This is what Allie wishes for? She got to cheat and I can’t. I wish I could take off my diaper and dump in the toilet and put it back on like all the other incontinent people can who only have urinary incontinence. Why did I have to have both? Jen came in the bedroom saying, “What are you screaming for? I am in the other room and you don’t need to yell and have neighbors hear you.” “But Mom,” said Jason. “Leave so I can talk to her,” said Jen. Jen came over to me and Jason was gone. “What happened?” she asked in a calm voice. “I want to go home,” I said. “Are you okay, what happened?” Jen asked again. I was too embarrassed to even tell her I had crapped myself and I wear diapers. I guess they never told her. I felt like calling my mother to tell her to come get me but then I would have to tell her out loud I pooped my diaper. No one wanted to accept my answer that I wanted to go home without me telling them why and saying I didn’t feel good was not enough. “I just want to go home, don’t ask me why,” I said. “I hope Jason didn’t do anything wrong,” said Jen. “If he did, tell me so I can fix it.” “No, he didn’t do anything wrong, I just got diarrhea,” I said. “Oh, well get cleaned up then.” “No, I need to go home and change because I don’t have any extra pairs of underpants and I think I got some on my pants,” I said. “I can offer you mine and you can take those home and bring them back and I will wash your pants,” said Jen. No, I hated problem solvers in a crises like this. At least in my family it would be a lot easier because I could tell them without being ashamed. “I don’t want to wear your clothes,” I said. “I just want to go home.” “Okay, I will take you home. But you really should get cleaned up so you are not in that same incontinent product. That must be uncomfortable.” I was shocked, she knew. Why didn’t she tell me? “Why didn’t you tell me you knew?” I asked. “That would have saved me all this trouble and don’t call them that.” “Incontinent product?” Jen asked. “Yes,” I said. I was feeling less stressed. Jason came back in his room and Jen told him we were still talking so get out and we’re almost done. He closed the door again. “Oh, what would you like them to be called?” she asked me. “What they are called, I hate other names for them,” I said. “Oh you hate political correctness, me too. But I know some people don’t like to call them that so they use ‘briefs’ or ‘pads’ or ‘incontinent aid’ or ‘product’ or ‘protection’ so I can never be too careful with the word.” “How long have you known?” I asked. “When they first hired me, I was informed about your medical condition.” “I wish you told me you knew so I wouldn’t have had to pretend to use the bathroom in class,” I said. “Does Jason know?” “No.” She never told him. “Sorry, I didn’t know you wanted me to say I knew. I just thought you were changing when you said you had to use the restroom and it was a way to ask to be excused to get it done because you did have to use the restroom and didn’t want to say it in front of the other kids what you wanted to do.” “But I really do have to go home because I don’t have anything to get cleaned up with,” I said. “You didn’t bring any wipes?” Jen asked. I shook my head. “I left them at school and keep them in the health room.” “Well I have some here; Jason insisted we get them so we could wipe our butts better.” “What is it with him and wiping butts,” I asked. “He doesn’t like the smell,” said Jen. “He wants everything to be clean and he is disgusted with spills or crumbs or pee left on the toilet seat or poop being smeared and people not washing their hands after they go to the bathroom and babies.” “I am surprised he didn’t say anything about me like he did last time when you took me home, instead he thought it was you not wiping properly.” “I used to wear them myself so don’t you worry.” “Yeah when you were a baby,” I said. “No, when I was an adult.” “You were incontinent?” I asked. “No, I had a job that didn’t always give me access to a restroom and I don’t like public restrooms anyway and I didn’t want to wet my pants like I did before but now it’s been five years since I last wore one.” I was shocked she wore them too. But I was too embarrassed to ask if she peed in them and pooped and how she got changed. This was Jason’s mother and my aid I was talking to so the thought of her wearing them felt weird. “How come you don’t use them anymore?” I asked. “I don’t need to.” “So you hold it all day in school?” I asked. “Their bathroom isn’t disgusting and I carry some clean stuff with me to wipe the seat with before I go and women’s restrooms aren’t bad. I have just seen some bad ones when I lived in LA and when I traveled all over the country with Peter. But I haven’t needed to wear a diaper in a long time.” “You’re lucky,” I said. “Did Jason ever know?” “He found them once and I told him they were for an elderly person I knew so I kept them for her and he never said anything about it again.” “He never found any in the trash or nothing?” “I never threw them away at home.” “So he never found out you wore them?” “No. He may have forgotten about it or doesn’t care. It’s been a while.” “Do you still have them?” “No. I got rid of them while I was spring cleaning because I hadn’t worn them in over two years so I gave them to charity. I am sure a poor family got a good use out of them for their loved one or a nursing home or maybe someone with a bladder problem.” “Why didn’t you tell me to change my diaper right when you came in here?” I asked. “I thought you wanted to go home and change your clothes,” said Jen. “I didn’t know you want me to tell you right away to go change your diaper.” Jen was so clueless in my intention. I was so used to other people reading me and figuring me out and Jen had no idea. I got up and left Jason’s bedroom. I grabbed my backpack and told him I had to use the bathroom. “Why do you need to bring that in the bathroom with you?” Jason asked. “I don’t know, I just do,” I said. “But why?” “Jason, that is just her routine, I don’t question you about yours so you shouldn’t about hers,” said Jen. “Everyone has their own routine they have to do and we don’t question it all do we?” Thank you Jen. I shut the door and locked it. I took off my pants and shirt and swimsuit. I took off my socks too. I looked for the wipes. I didn’t see any. I looked under the sink and didn’t find any. I opened the door and called for Jen. She came over and asked me what I needed. “Where are the wipes?” “Right by the toilet on the bottom where we keep the toilet paper.” “Thanks,” I remembered to say. “You’re welcome,” said Jen. I shut the door again and locked it and looked on the bottom and there were the baby wipes. It said Pampers on it. I took the diaper off and it was all messy in the middle and back. It even went to the front too so my whole crotch was covered in poo where my pubic hair is. I grabbed one of the wipes and started to clean up. The wipe got all covered in poo so I took out another wipe. I did it as I sat on the toilet. This is the only time I ever get to use the toilet like everyone else. I got some on my hands too. I was so tempted to just wash everything off than having this huge mess and using so many wipes. I wonder if Jen would mind. I was in here for a while trying to get cleaned up. I have done this before so I knew I could do it. Jason knocked on the door. “Are you done in there?” “No,” I said. “What are you doing?” “Going potty,” I said. “It doesn’t take long to go so you should be done already.” “Jason, she is taking a dump,” said Jen. “Why didn’t you say so?” Jason asked me. “She did,” said Jen. “No, she said she was going potty.” “Same thing.” “No, potty is for when you take a piss.” “Potty is when you’re using the toilet and you take a dump in it don’t you? So she is going potty.” “I hope she uses those wipes we got.” I started to pee and it went in the toilet. I had just used the toilet like everyone else. But diapers are what allow me to not have to sit on the toilet all the time to avoid messing and wetting my pants. I can live a normal life. I felt like a big girl for using the toilet. “I’m a big kid now” went the Pull Ups commercial. I always hated those commercials because they were calling toddlers big kids for using the potty and it made me feel like I wasn’t a big kid and Mom said that only applies to kids who are not incontinent. I am so it doesn’t apply to me and it doesn’t make me not a big girl just because I wear diapers. I got finished cleaning up and I looked in the mirror to make sure all the poop was off. I pushed the bathmat aside in case I peed again and cleaned the rest of the poo off I missed. “Need any help in there?” Jen asked knocking on the door. “No,” I said. The thought of her wiping my ass felt too weird. I also wiped off the toilet seat and I flushed the toilet. “Are you flushing wipes down the toilet?” Jen asked. “No,” I said. I took out a clean diaper and unfolded it and stood against the wall and put it on. I got dressed again and I had to figure out what to do with my diaper. I had a bunch of poopy wipes in the wastebasket and it had in a plastic bag for the garbage. I decided to put my diaper in that to hide it. I stuck it in there and took the bag out and tied it. Then I had to figure out what to do with it. Jen knocked on the door again. “You need help in there?” I opened the door and had the bag in my hand. “You have it in there?” Jen asked. “I’ll take care of it. I have to empty out the trash anyway.” She took it from me. I went back in Jason’s room. “Finally, you’re slow,” he said. “I was taking a dump and had to make sure I got all the poop off,” I said. “You must be a super duper pooper.” That made me think of a song I used to hear on Z100 and it was about a girl being potty trained. I could remember when I first heard the song and Mom was getting me up for school and she laughed at the song. But it had been done by the Z Morning Zoo. “I am,” I said. “Wow, this is the second time you have taken a dump here.” We got back to my math assignment. Then Jen came in the room and said, “Okay, I am ready to take you home now.” “I am fine now,” I said. “You don’t want to go home?” “No,” I said. “Okay,” and she shut the door. The rest of the time went on without any stress and I had no more messy diapers. When six o clock came, it was time to head home. Jen took me home and Jason came with. I had to show her the way again and we arrived at my neighborhood and she pulled in the driveway. We all got out and went to the front door. Mom was making dinner. “How was Jason’s?” she asked. “I got most of my Math done and he played his drums and I played Super Mario on his Nintendo 64 and we listened to Phil Collins,” I said. “Did Jen leave you home alone again with her son?” “No,” I said. “Oh good.” Then Jen started to talk to her. I took Jason into the den and we played my Nintendo 64. Matthew watched us play the mini games on Kirby 64. We did the yard dash game on four different levels and we played the block game and then the food drop game. Then we did one player and we took turns. I found the underground level freaky on Ripple Star because of the song. It was just a very short level. Jason figured out you needed to have certain abilities to cut through walls in the last part of the level to get items behind them so I now knew I needed something to match the color to get the crystal. Then it was my turn and I played the Aqua Star level where I played on the beach. Then Matthew was next and he played the stream level. I found the level music more peaceful on those levels. We were working on collecting all the shards and info cards and whoever died or completed a level, the next person played. Mom left and got Dad and Jen just sat and watched TV waiting for Mom to get home. Me and her talked while Jason played with Matthew. Kelly saw us and Jason and asked. “Is he a new friend of yours?” “Yes,” I said. “I’m his mom and her temporary aid,” said Jen. “You have an aid in school now?” Kelly asked. “Yes,” I said. “Maybe you will stay out of trouble now.” I remembered her and I were supposed to spend time together as part of her punishment but I had been gone all evening and I didn’t want to do anything with her right now. I was still looking forward to baby sit if they were okay with it. “Come join us,” said Jen. “I am punished for four days so I have to spend time with my sister until Sunday night,” said Kelly sitting down. “What did you do?” Jen asked. “I took Natalie’s tape recorder and hid it and Mom found it and punished me for it. So I had to pick a punishment and I picked this.” “That wasn’t nice.” “I know. I just wanted to see her suffer because of what her sub teacher was doing and then she found her way out of it and I forgot about it.” “I used to make my little brothers suffer too,” said Jen. “I didn’t know when to stop teasing and I used to get revenge on them whenever they made me mad.” “You teased too, so did my sister and she always seemed to get her revenge on me,” said Kelly. We talked and Jen and I had similar stories, we both teased and tormented our siblings and liked to get back at them for messing up our stuff or wrecking toys we built with. Jen said she was such a terrible sister but at the same time they played together and couldn’t imagine not having them around. I could never imagine Kelly or Matthew not being here either. Of course if they were never born, I wouldn’t have noticed the difference. “The good news is Mrs. Kink is gone and your mother had something to do with it,” said Jen. “The sub?” “Yes,” I said. “What did she do?” Kelly asked. “Something with the tape recorder, I don’t know what she did with it,” said Jen. “Maybe she recorded their talk and Mom got everything on it when she mentioned what she likes doing to her students,” I speculated. “Maybe,” said Jen. “Isn’t it great having a strange mother,” I said to Kelly. “Now I wish she can get rid of my strange teacher,” said Kelly. “How is your teacher strange?” Jen asked. “He loves dogs and has the posters up all over you can’t even see the wall and one time he brought in movies about dogs when we had early release. He is also a loner and he has messy hand writing and won’t stand still, has the lights half off and half on, his voice is weird when he talks and he wears the same clothes, never calls on us and he is so rude to us and mean.” “What makes him mean and rude?” Jen asked. “He is so strict and there is nothing in between and he is so cold hearted.” “How?” I asked. “He gets mad when we don’t understand the assignment and he goes on and on about assignments and he never looks at us and he doesn’t even care we are bored so we get punished for it.” “What else does he do you find strange?” Jen asked. “He has this odd posture and his voice is off and instead of writing on the board or overhead, it’s all done on his computer and he shows the screen on the board.” “Does he know a lot about dogs?” “Maybe. He has so many books about it.” “Does he talk about it?” “No.” “Maybe he is different.” “You mean not normie?” Kelly asked. “Right,” said Jen. “Is he nice?” “No, he is too mean.” “Do you follow his rules?” Kelly didn’t answer. “If you don’t follow them, you get a consequence, that isn’t being mean honey.” “But….” Then she said nothing else. I wondered what her teacher really was like. I would love to see him. “Is he new?” I asked. “Second year,” said Kelly. “Who is he?” I asked. “Mr. Peck.” I don’t think I had ever met him. I was in the ninth grade when he was new and he teaches seventh grade. Then Mom and Dad came home. Jen and Jason left because we were going to have dinner and Jen wanted to get home. “See you on Monday,” said Jason. “Everybody at the table,” said Dad. “I already ate,” I said. “When did you eat?” “Around five at Jason’s,” I said. “Well sit at the table anyway, it’s family meal.” Everybody was gathered at the table and I sat down sighing. “Everyone seems so cheerful,” said Dad. “Oh what is going on here?” “You seem to think something is wrong when we’re happy,” said Kelly. “Oh, we’re not being normal. I get it.” “So anything I don’t know about?” Dad asked. “Natalie has a teacher’s aide now,” said Mom. “And a friend her own age,” said Kelly. “Really?” Dad asked. “That is great you are making friends your own age.” “I had fun playing video games with her boyfriend,” said Matthew. “Boyfriend?” Dad asked. “Natalie you didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend.” “I don’t,” I said. “He said he was,” said Matthew. “He thinks he is but his mom says he doesn’t understand,” I said. “Oh I see, you’re a girl and he is a boy,” said Dad. “Mrs. Bitch is also gone,” I said. “Really? What happened to her?” “She quit yesterday after school, Mom did it.” “So that’s why everyone is happy. Anita, what did you do?” “I just talked to her,” said Mom scooping the food onto her fork. “How exactly did you talk to her?” “We just talked and we made a deal and she was gone,” said Mom. “What was the deal?” “That she quits teaching there,” said Mom. “And what if she didn’t quit? Oh you know what, never mind. I’ll just enjoy this special meal before it gets ruined. It’s better I don’t know.” Dad went to eating his food. I just sat here bored waiting for everyone to finish. I felt so happy. The Trunchbull being gone, having Jason as my friend and maybe soon I will have a boyfriend and maybe I will be friends with Allie again to see how her diaper days are going and how she likes it.
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