Post by Bad Beth on Mar 2, 2017 20:58:42 GMT
Chapter 1
I couldn’t believe my maternity leave was almost over. In the US lot of women don’t ever get one and when they do get one it only lasts a month to three months and it varies for each person. I only got a three month of maternity leave when I had Alex who is now passed away. I have his ashes in my room on the dresser with his name and birth year and the year he died on it.
Tristian was about to be a year old and I just had my birthday. My work was going to start next week. But since my son has been dead, my life has been better now because Daddy says I have changed a lot and I am doing a lot better now and I act more normal and he figures it was the stress that made me not function as well because of Alex. I am sure people out there still think I am guilty about my son’s death but there was no evidence between me and his death so police had nothing on me and I didn’t go to jail or get committed of a crime I didn’t commit so I had all that worry for nothing. We still had an attorney to help us through it and we also had an autistic investigator. He did it for free but Daddy still paid him because he couldn’t bear to let him leave without any payment and feel he took advantage of him. He loved Sherlock Holmes so he did this for free because it was his special interest and he loved to solve mysteries but he lived in a group home and I would say he was medium functioning and you could tell he was off just by talking to him and how he interacted. But yet his diagnoses was Asperger’s. My Mum has the same diagnoses and she also has a HFA diagnoses from another doctor but she is no way like him because she never had to be in a group home nor needed a caregiver unless I want to count my Dad and her new partner and me. I used to have to go to her flat to clean it for her and make lists for her so she could do her daily chores and then she met Rosie. Plus she has had jobs before and had kids and this man never did and he was pretty young in his early twenties and my Mum once ran her own art studio in our home when I was in high school shortly before her and Dad split up. Plus she has worked in volunteer jobs and that man never did so my Mum is higher functioning than he is. Plus she drives but this is the UK so lot of people don’t drive. Why have a car if you have trains and they take you to other towns fast? London is so full of buses and trains and it’s hard to get around in inner London anyway because of narrow streets and limited parking and some places charge parking.
I was doing some cleaning when I heard Tristian crying. I went upstairs to Alex’s old bedroom where I put the cot and he was standing up in it. Alex’s old stuff was still in here because I hadn’t gotten rid of it yet but I got rid of his clothes and his bed is out in the storage for Tristian to use when he is older and I still have his tablet.
I picked Tristian up from his IKEA crib and carried him downstairs. I set him on the living room floor with his toys and went back to cleaning. I couldn’t imagine how different my life would be if Alex were still alive. I wondered how I would have handled it. My Dad thinks I would have done fine but I don’t think so. Daddy thinks so too but I am not sure. Last time he was alive, he was violent with me and trying to hurt Tristian and I feared for his life. We had social workers involved and they were going to take him away if things didn’t get better so maybe that would have happened instead if he didn’t die so maybe things would have really worked out.
Then I saw Tristian coming into the kitchen and he was walking and he had some black stuff all over his skin. I looked at him and then I checked the living room and saw black scribbles on the sofa. I felt mad about it but I didn’t react or start screaming at him. I should have checked the room more carefully to be sure there was nothing he could get into. I found the pen lying on the rug so I picked it up and put it in a drawer in the dining room. I went back to cleaning and I would clean him up later. Ink wasn’t going to hurt him. Tristian just played in the kitchen on the floor while I was doing some laundry and then I put in a new load and carried the wet clothes upstairs and hung them to dry in each room on the dry racks.
I totally forgot about Tristian and the pen incident because Gailand had come home with Haley and Alexis and she noticed the mess on Tristian so she was nice to clean him up for me and she even changed him too. She was also nice to give him some food while she gave the girls a snack. I had totally forgotten about food because I never ate so I didn’t think to feed my own son.
Then soon Christina came home and she started to make dinner. Daddy was back to working a lot again because I didn’t need him around much anymore but he still called me to check up on me sometimes to make sure I remembered to do certain things. I was also no longer seeing Dr. Nickels because she said she couldn’t help me and since then I haven’t been to another therapist. I guess she expected me to get “normal” and that never happened so she fired me as her patient. But I am doing better anyway because of no Alex around. Tristian isn’t much work but he does get into stuff and I just move it to higher spots and he can climb too. He also goes up the stairs. I just keep the doors closed and have the baby gate up to keep him from leaving the living room.
I did my computer and watched Tristian in my room. I had his toys in here with me so he could keep busy but he wanted me to hold him so I did. I nursed him while I did my computer at the same time.
I am totally amazed at what he can do because Alex didn’t do a lot of stuff he is doing now at this age so I can see a huge difference between an NT baby and an autistic baby. Tristian was actually wanting me to hold him and cuddle him and would even cry for me but Alex never did that and he actually wanted me to notice him and Alex never did that. Plus I am so surprised how social he is and how well he responds to humans. I kept asking my dad if I did any of this stuff Tristian is doing and he would tell me I did and all babies do. But there are times when Tristian gets so hyperfocused, he doesn’t respond to his name or to me but he always responds in the doctor’s office so the pediatrician doesn’t think there is any concerns. I am not worried. I still see him as normal. Also he will hand you stuff and that gets annoying. I will be trying to do something and he starts shoving it in my face so I take it and toss it across the room telling him to quit giving me stuff. Alex never did this. I keep getting reminded by Christina and Daddy that this is normal stuff and I am treating him like he is autistic because I am only used to Alex and what Tristian is doing is actually normal. I already know how normal babies act because I have read about their development but it didn’t concern me when Alex wasn’t hitting his milestones. I took the autism acceptance too literal.
Daddy soon came home and he came upstairs to our room. He took something out of his pocket and it was a Kit Kat bar.
I panted like a dog.
He gave it to me.
“I got that for you because I know you like American candy,” said Daddy.
Indeed I did because it made me feel at home again but this one was the mint version. I love mint. The US never had different Kit Kat flavors. I started to eat it right away.
Daddy picked Tristian up and hugged him saying “Hey, are you okay?”
Tristian fussed and squirmed because he was in the middle of playing.
“Oh you don’t me holding you?” Daddy asked. “Oh alright.”
He put him down.
“You don’t like your own father, I am very sad,” said Daddy.
“He was in the middle of playing,” I said.
“I’m teasing him,” said Daddy. “You take everything seriously.”
He left our bedroom and I had to close the door for him.
Then I saw Tristian trying to get in one of my drawers so I barked at him. “Hey, out of there.”
He stopped and looked at me and I said “Good boy. Now stay out of there, that’s not yours.”
Tristian moved around and then he tried getting into my old Nintendo Power magazines so I shouted at him and he stopped and I had to put one of them back. I moved him away and moved him back to his toys.
“This is the stuff you only stuff you can touch here,” I pointed to his toys.
I couldn’t remember Alex being this curious but he did do his repetitive behavior. Normal babies just get into stuff and play with it and look at it. That is their repetitive behavior but it’s normal so we don’t call it that.
Then soon Christina called my name.
“Yeah?” I shouted.
“We have food ready.”
I did my computer for a few more minutes and then Daddy called me and I said “okay” again. I finally got off and I picked Tristian up and carried him downstairs. I put him in his high chair and his plate was already ready and his sippy cup. He doesn’t drink out of bottles. I got my food and sat down at the table with everyone.
“What happened to the sofa Natalia,” Daddy asked.
“Tristian did it,” I said.
“I know that but how did that happen?”
“I was cleaning and he got to the pen somehow and played with it,” I said.
“It will wash off, I have fabric cleaner,” said Christina.
“You need to watch our kid more,” Daddy told me.
“I was watching him but how am I supposed to clean and watch him at the same time? Everyone just needs to keep their stuff put away,” I said.
“These things happen,” said Christina. “Not anyone is to blame.”
“I’m not trying to criticize you,” Daddy told me. “I am just saying he is at the age now where he gets into everything so you really need to be paying attention to him is all and make sure he can’t get into stuff.”
“We have fabric cleaner so it can always be washed off so not a big deal,” Christina said again.
Daddy dropped the topic and we all ate. Tristian ate with his fingers while holding a toddler fork.
I finished my food and I put my plate and cup in the sink and left the table. I went back to my room and did more of my computer. Then soon Daddy called me down again to help clean Tristian up. I went downstairs and his face was a mess and his shirt. I got him out of his high chair while Daddy took care of his plate for me. Tristian held onto his sippy cup and I took him upstairs and took his clothes off in the bathroom and cleaned him up in the bathtub. He cried and I ignored it. I also washed his hair because he had gotten food in his hair from his dirty hands. He doesn’t have a lot of hair but I still wanted it to be clean even though he looks bald still.
“I have to clean you up sweetie,” I said.
After I got done, I put the nappy back on him and got him dressed in his pajamas. I took him back to my room and closed the door and got back on my computer again.
The weekend came and Daddy worked at home because it was his day off and he only quit working just to step in and take care of Tristian. He stayed in Tristian’s bedroom and worked at Alex’s old table on his computer. Christina was working again and it was Gailand’s day off so she had a baby sitter for the kids. It was just an older person than a teenager watching them. Christina had found her off a nanny site and hired her in advance.
I was on my computer in my bedroom and Tristian kept fussing and getting into trouble and I kept scolding him. Then Daddy came in my room and asked “Has he eaten?”
I realized he has not eaten since breakfast.
“He had breakfast,” I said
“He’s hungry, that’s the problem. You can feed him some peas or fish fingers or some cheese or yogurt, we have fresh fruit in there too you can give him for lunch and crackers.”
He left and I took Tristian downstairs and put him in his high chair. I put a bib on him and started to make his lunch. He kept fussing and reaching out for the food.
“I’m getting it,” I said.
Marybeth, the babysitter, was nice to pitch in to help because she made a little snack for Tristian to tie him over until I finished making him his meal.
After I got done with his meal, I put it on his tray and he started eating. He ate it fast. I didn’t realize he was that hungry.
“Boy your baby was sure hungry,” said Marybeth.
“Yeah,” I said.
I left the room and headed back upstairs. I didn’t need to worry about Tristian because Marybeth was there and she would come get me when she needed me.
I was on my computer again when Daddy came in my room. “You shouldn’t be having Marybeth watching Tristian for you, it’s not her job.”
“Why do I need to do all the work? You’re here,” I said.
“I’m working. You can bring your computer down.”
“Okay,” I said.
Daddy stayed and he said “Now.”
“I will,” I said.
I kept reading an article online and then Daddy came closer to me. “I’m going to have to help you then.”
He took my computer. I was forced to get up and I went downstairs. Daddy brought it down and handed it to me.
“Just sit at the table and do your computer.”
Tristian was still eating but he had slowed down. I was reading online when Marybeth said “I think he’s done Natalie.”
I looked at Tristian and he was just sitting there and I saw him moving his plate around and the rest of his food was poured all over on the tray. He even smeared it across with his left hand. His hands were a mess again and his face and his shirt and his bib was a mess.
I did the computer for a couple more minutes and him dropping his plate on the floor is what alerted me to get off the computer to take care of him. I am so slow with transitioning it’s like I have a block inside of my brain.
I picked the plate off the floor and put it in the sink. I got a hand towel and wet it down and cleaned Tristian up. He fussed and cried. I ignored it. I took the bib off him and tossed it in front of the washing machine. Then I took off his dirty clothes and tossed them in front of the machine. I took him upstairs to his room and got him dressed again. Daddy was still working on his computer. Tristian’s bedroom was now like an office for Daddy.
I brought Tristian to my bedroom and closed the door and got my computer. I went in my room again and closed the door and Tristian was playing with a drawer handle on our dresser.
I read more on my computer and I tried to write again but I have been too distracted by the web browser because I always want to read stuff online. I am no longer interested in gaming consoles much nor am I into reading books because all I want to do is computer. I even lose interest in Tristian but I love him very much and I am glad I had him. He was so cute but he was already walking and climbing and already getting into mischief. He will get into anything he can get his hands on and he will make a mess. I never imagined an infant can cause so much trouble and get you so frustrated it’s no wonder some people abuse them. I used to wonder what could an infant do so wrong to piss off someone for them to want to abuse them. All they do is cry and sleep and what else can they do to make you mad? Now I know. It’s when they start to get curious and explore and start to manipulate is when the real fun begins. I had seen Tristian throwing fits young as eight months and he has done some head banging and he loves to hide and he thinks it’s funny when I’m looking for him and he looks at me and smiles as if he is teasing me. I asked Dad if I ever did that and he said I took off but I never took off to hide and laugh when they would find me. I asked if Kelly, Brian, or Matthew did it and Dad said he couldn’t remember.
I guess all babies are different so that doesn’t mean all normal babies play this game. But I wonder if he is going to be a big tease when he is older. I hate teasers but I will make sure to fix that. Daddy says he is just playing with me so he isn’t doing it to make me mad because he is too young to understand that stuff. Infants that young don’t understand feelings but they know enough to see emotions and recognize them but not understand why you’re having them. This is an autism thing but this is actually normal for infants and toddlers. That is why they call it a developmental disorder. If they were four years old and still not understanding, then they would have a problem. But even kids don’t always understand either why adults are feeling a certain way but that is also considered normal because their empathy isn’t fully developed. I wonder what part of me was actually normal growing up. Were they normal at my age growing up or autism symptoms?
But I was worried Tristian might have inherited the teasing gene from me but I sure hope he would know when to stop and have the empathy to do it. As a child I didn’t seem to take notice to how others really felt even though I saw their emotions and their reactions but it was as if I didn’t really understand the affects of my behavior I had on them. They were like objects to me. I even loved to test people to see how they would react. I just wanted to see different reactions because I recognized how everyone was different and not the same and liked different things so I had to test it out. Back then I was just a brat and naughty it alienated me from other kids. I wonder if I really was just a brat and maybe I had that psychopath trait and then I grew out of it.
I also didn’t want Tristian to be like me. I knew he wouldn’t be incontinent and have learning problems like me but I still hope he wouldn’t be like me. I would hate for him to go through what I went through. Plus I don’t think I would stand to be around another me. I would find myself annoying if I had to deal with someone exactly like me so I wouldn’t want to raise myself. I also hope he wouldn’t have regressive autism. Alex never did but he didn’t reach all his milestones either and he has never lost any skills he gained like some autistic children do.
I woke up on Monday morning to Daddy changing me. Today was going to be my first day of work. I felt like I was going back to school again.
“How do you feel about returning to work?” Daddy asked me.
“At least I get to make money again. It feels like my first day of school,” I replied.
Daddy laughed.
“At least there won’t be any school work and listening to lectures,” I said.
I always fell asleep in class and always zoned out and daydreamed because my brain would get tired from listening to all the words and it’s hard to keep up and it’s boring. I wish teachers wouldn’t talk so much and just have us do our school work than making us listen. For some reason I do better listening when it’s one and one but if they are talking to the whole class, I zone out and I don’t even know I am doing it until I realize I can’t remember a word the teacher has said. But yet I can watch documentaries because it’s all visual and not just seeing a person talking and not showing any pictures.
Daddy took my nappy off and started cleaning me up. Then he was rubbing the wipe on my pussy and it felt so good. Then he took the wet nappy away and unfolded the clean one and lifted my legs up again and put it under me. He put rash cream on my bottom and rubbed it in and wiped it on the nappy and put it on. Then he rolled up my used nappy and threw it away in the bathroom and started to get ready for work
I laid in bed and then I heard Tristian crying on the monitor. I didn’t want to leave my cozy bed so I waited to see if he will stop fussing. He was making crying sounds and then would stop. Then I could hear him moving around in his cot and pounding on the rails.
“Our baby is up,” said Daddy.
He still fussed and then I heard Christina come in his room and I heard her talking and then she said “Let’s go to mummy.” She came in our room and handed me to him.
I popped out my boob and gave it to him and he started to nurse and I kept on resting.
Daddy finished getting dressed and he had his teeth brushed and hair washed and then he went downstairs. Tristian kept on moving around in my bed and wouldn’t lay still. I even tried holding him close to me to keep him still. Then he was fussing and squirming to get up so I let him out of bed and had him play while I rested in bed. I knew I wouldn’t be falling back asleep again. I didn’t feel the mental energy to get out of bed.
I had to listen for him and keep looking up see what he was doing. He was behaving good so far. He was walking around and then I got out of bed and went on my computer. It loaded up and I signed into Windows and booted Google Chrome. I checked Wrongplanet and read the posts there. Tristian still played in my room and then he was at the doorway. He started to fuss and I decided it was time to feed him. I closed my computer and took it downstairs with me while I carried Tristian down. I set the computer on the dining room table and then put Tristian in his high chair. Then I got out some Cheerios and put some on his tray. He started to eat them. I opened my laptop again and kept on reading.
Soon Tristian was done eating because he was just throwing them on the floor so I got him out of his high chair and let him play. I sat on the sofa with the computer. I would clean up the mess later. I didn’t have the mental energy to do it so I would make an effort later. I wonder if lot of parents feel this way when raising normal kids. That would explain why there are lazy mums out there who don’t pick up after their kids. I wonder how my mum stayed motivated cleaning up after us. I am sure we made these messes and my mum said I used to toss cereal on the floor and go “uh oh.” I don’t know why I did that but mum said that is just what babies do, they do silly things. I bet it was a game I played by myself. Maybe I liked watching the cereal fall and hitting the floor.
There were toys scattered all over the living room from all the kids. I would have to pick that up later.
Tristian played with toys and then he wanted me to hold him so I did while I used the computer. He kept fussing and wouldn’t sit still so I put my boob to his mouth again to settle him down and it worked.
Then soon he was done nursing and he was back to wanting me to hold him again but wouldn’t settle down. I eventually closed the laptop again and set it on the table and I did some cleaning in the kitchen. I emptied the dishwasher from last night and put in more dirty dishes. I swept the floor and wiped the counters and the table in the kitchen where the kids ate. Then I mopped up spots on the kitchen floor and put the spray mop away. I then picked up the toys and tossed them back in their baskets and only left Tristian’s. I swept and vacuumed the carpets on the main floor. Then I felt the main floor was clean enough. I went back to my computer again.
When it got time to get ready for work again for the first time in a year, I got my work clothes on that were washed a while ago and I brushed my teeth and got my breast pump ready. I also packed my nappy bag. Gailand was taking care of the kids again and Christina came home shortly before I left for work. We already had arrangements made for Tristian. Since it wouldn’t be long before Daddy came home or Christina, Gailand didn’t mind watching him for a bit until she got back and Christina didn’t mind watching him for a bit until Daddy got back.
I walked to the bus stop and waited for the bus. It came just as I got there and I got on and rode it to the nearest station. Then I got off and walked to it.
When I got there I waited for the train. When it came I got on and sat down. I played Shopkins Chef Club on my phone earning points to earn coins. Then I played my 3DS. I did my Daily challenge for Pokemon Picross and I wanted to see if I could get more than 999 picrites or if it stops at 999. I had already did all the puzzles and had done all the challenges but I still had the alternate world to do but you didn’t win anything from that world from doing challenges. After I got done with the daily challenge, I got out of the game and played Pokemon Shuffle to earn experience points for my Pokemon to level them up. I had been working on it for the past year. I had all my Pokemon leveled up from level 5 to 10 but most of them were already leveled up to 6 and I was working on each Pokemon at a time to level up. After I used five hearts, I quit and looked at my other games I had. Then I put my 3DS away and took out my phone and went to Kindle. I read a book I was currently reading. When my stop came, I got off and waited for the next train.
I finally arrived at work and got off at the station there. I put my ticket through the machine and went up the escalators. Then I had to walk to the building I worked in. I had to go to the basement and clock in and hang up my stuff in the locker room but I took my nappy bag and breast pump with me to the 11th floor I worked on. I went to my closet to find my cart. It was still there thank god. You see I hate it when people mess with my stuff and move it because it makes me anxious and gives me anxiety because then I have to go look for it and it messes everything up for me. I don’t mind if someone uses my stuff but they better return it and I don’t mind is they move it out of the way but it better be kept in the closet and not moved to another spot and they better put it back. I got my cart and I started to pick up rubbish all over the floor. I emptied out the wastebaskets I mean. It felt weird being back at work after a year. The barrel got full so I had to empty it out and put in a new dust liner and I continued picking up rubbish. When I got done, I had to haul it down to the bottom level and put them in the skip. Then I went back up to the 11th floor and started my dusting. I dust a section every night so I don’t do the whole thing every day. I eventually had to change my nappy so I did in the toilets and then I threw the nappy away in the trash for me to collect later.
My boobs got very full so I pumped them during my break. I did it in one of the cubicles because they had an outlet for me to use and it was very comfy because I could sit and the closet was very uncomfortable because no way am I sitting on the floor. The bottles filled up pretty quickly and I put the tops on them and stuck them inside my breast bump bag with the ice packs. I left it in the closet and continued my work.
It was pitch black out by the time I got done with my work. I emptied out the mop bucket and I also put my cart away and got my stuff and went back down to the basement level. I went to the breakroom and got my coat out of the locker.
It may seem like I am the only one working here but there are many others who work here in the building at night but we each have our own floor. Many of them work full time while I only work part time. Daddy wouldn’t mind if I didn’t work but then I feel like a burden if I don’t but everyone says I am not one because I have Tristian to take care of and I do housework but I still feel I have too much time on my hands so I work and I like earning my own money so I feel good about myself than lazy and a burden.
I headed back to the tube station after I left the building. I played Pokemon Go. I got some items from a Pokestop at the station. There were a bunch of them all over London and all over where I work. Then a few Pokemon appeared so I caught them and then exited the game since there were no more appearing. Plus it drains the battery quickly. I played Miitomo next. I did all my missions as the train came and I finished after I got on it and was already going. Then I went to Kindle and started reading. But I got tired on the way because I was resting my eyes and I didn’t want to drop my phone so I put it away and laid my head against the window.
When my stop came I got off and waited for the next train and got on and rode it back home and then I got off and I didn’t want to wait for the bus so I walked home because it would be faster. I walked as fast as I could so I could get home quicker and I was starving.
I arrived home and Daddy had food made for me because he had it in the fridge. I put my breastmilk in there and got out my dinner. My computer was still on the dining room table so I got on it while I ate. Another thing about Alex not being here means I don’t have to wake up early anymore unless Tristian wakes me up but I don’t have to bring him to school yet.
One of my secrets is I don’t really miss him and that is something I will never admit because it’s frowned upon. He was violent with me and I feared him and worried for Tristian’s life and with him dead, I don’t have to worry about him anymore like how I will take care of him and the baby and how I will handle the stress and I don’t have to worry about visiting him in the group home if he got placed there. Plus I have noticed how much better I was doing because of less stress so I was doing better. I realize now most of my problems were anxiety related and anxiety does affect my brain and how I function. But Daddy understands how I feel so he doesn’t judge me for it. I still had yet more of his stuff to get rid of but I would do it someday. I will still keep the photos because he was my son and I don’t want to erase him from my life. I will hang onto his furniture and the sheets and the bed and maybe his toys for Tristian to use when he is older and keep the tablet. I still wish he wasn’t so aggressive with me though and trying to hurt Tristian. I don’t think Daddy can blame me for how I feel.
I stayed up till two in the morning and went to bed. Daddy used to have a bedtime rule for me but he hasn’t enforced them on me again yet since I got back into the Daddy and little girl stuff. It just hit me one day just like that after months of having no interest in it.
I slept through getting my nappy changed because I couldn’t remember being changed that morning. I fed Tristian and did my usual stuff in the day time and my computer. Then Gailand came home with the kids and she was still here when I left for work. I didn’t turn on Pokemon Go until I got close to the station because they had a Pokestop there so I got some more balls and a few items and caught a couple of Pokemon and exited the game.
The train came and I got on and I read my book on my phone and then rested until we got to my stop where I had to switch trains. I opened my game again to check for Pokemon. There were no stops here so I couldn’t get any more items.
When the train arrived I got on again and rested more and then got off at my stop. I collected more items from the Pokestop there. I collected a few Pokemon on the way and got some more items from each Pokestop I passed by. I even got some in the building too and then I turned the game off and went to the break room to clock in. I hung my coat up in my locker and went up to my floor and started working again. I did my normal routine and did my pumping break in one of the cubicles and when my job ended, I went back to the breakroom and clocked out and left and collected more items from the Pokestops. I got some Pokemon on the way. This is how I play the game. I play it as I go, I don’t leave the house to play it.
Chapter 2
The next day I did my normal day as usual and then I had to get ready for work again. I didn’t even feel like working but I had to go to work. I knew I could just quit my job but I didn’t want to do that. I knew the reason why I didn’t feel like working was because I didn’t want to leave my computer but at least I will get more streetpasses and more Pokemon and maybe I will catch some new ones and I will get more items and get more streaks and after seven of them, I get bonus experience points. I got all my things and left the house again. On the way I noticed I didn’t have my phone so I had to stop and look for it and I even got on the ground and took everything out of my purse even the nappies not even caring who sees them. No one cares about that stuff so that is why I am not even embarrassed about them being seen. After looking in my bag after I had taken everything out, I put them all back in and had to head back home for my phone.
I went inside and looked around and I even used Gailand’s mobile phone to find it and it was in the dining room where I left it on the buffet. I thought I stuck it in my purse. I thanked Gailand for letting me use her phone to find mine and left again. Because I had to get my phone, I had missed my bus so I waited for the next bus. I was not going to walk all that way to the station and the boss is hardly ever at the building so it wouldn’t matter if I was a little late to work. The bus came again and I got on it and rode it to the station and got off there and walked. I got more items and caught a Pokemon and then exited the game. I played on my 3DS and then the train came and I got on.
I was pretty close to work when all of a sudden we stopped moving and the train was still. People started talking. I looked at the time and I saw I was already late to work. Oh well, I now had an excuse for being late and there was no signal down here so I couldn’t make the call to let him know I will be late. But that didn’t matter because he is barely even at work.
The voice on the intercom came on. “Attention passengers, there has been an attack at Canningham Station so we will be waiting here.”
That was where I always got off for work. I wondered what was going on there.
I read on my Kindle again while other people talked. Then I heard a guy shouting saying “Hey can you take us to the nearest station and let us off?”
“Oh my god,” a woman said sounding like she was panicking. “There is breaking news. There has been a bombing at the Cunningham Station.”
I looked up and she was looking on her phone. “Oh my god, it’s in the tallest building too. Oh my god, nine people reported killed so far.”
Tallest building, that was where I work.
I wondered what was going on.
“Oh my god,” I heard more people saying.
“Oh shit,” said a guy. “Dude, if we had been on one earlier train, we might have been in that bombing.”
“I can’t believe how fast this shows up in the news,” said another person.
With internet now, of course it will show up within an hour after the incident once reported. All the journalists have to do is write the article online and post it on the news site for everyone to read.
“Oh god I really have to go to the toilet, how much longer will they be making us wait,” said another lady.
I wasn’t sure how long we waited for but when I looked at the time on my phone, we had been waiting for an hour now and we were stuck.
Then I heard more commotion and a lady saying again. “I really had to go and I wasn’t going to wet myself.”
I looked and it was that same lady who said she had to go to the toilet and she had crouched down on the floor by the door and peed and then she pulled them back up. People around here were saying there was piss on the floor and to not step there. Then another person shouted again hitting the call button. “Someone just pissed on the train, when will we be moving again?”
The lady who had taken a piss looked to be maybe older than me but not middle aged so I wasn’t sure how old she was. Maybe in her thirties like me.
I was so glad to be wearing nappies but I hoped we would be moving soon before I needed to change but good thing I always change before leaving for work. I just hoped I wouldn’t mess myself because that makes me leak sooner and I wouldn’t want to be stuck on this train in a messy nappy.
I also hooked my phone up to my charge stick to charge my phone so it would last longer. I played Sonic Jump Fever on my phone and then I did Shopkins Chef Club and did Miitomo to pass time.
I also went on Facebook and posted “Stuck in the tube and some lady took a piss on the train because she couldn’t hold it and they are making us sit here.”
I looked at the posts on my wall and read articles people shared. I also read anti Trump posts people were posting. I saw one posted by Kelly. Lot of people hate him and I see him as the next Hitler. I wonder if Rosie is still moving to Canada. She said she would if Trump won and Mum is going along with it because she is being supportive even though she thinks we will be fine because we survived Bush and Nixon and Reagan. She also doubts Trump will ruin their own country because it takes more than the President to make new laws and the only way he can kick out Muslims and immigrants and make a Muslim registry is if the republicans vote for it but I hear even they don’t want him in office either and in fact only 23% voted for him and the 27% voted for Clinton and the majority voted for neither. Trump only won due to electoral votes and there have been big major protests and there was even a riot that all started in Portland, Oregon and then other towns did it. That was where my Dad worked when we lived in the US. But god Trump is worse than Bush and Nixon because it was never like this but when Bush won, there were still protests but it was never this bad. There was also some protesting about Obama when he won but it was never this bad.
There are lot of games about Trump in the Google Store and they are all funny I have even played some of them and then deleted them. One of the games I played was I had to walk through the streets and avoid being beaten by people and avoid getting hit with any objects. Then there was another game where you get to punch him and see how fast you can punch him and how big a mark you can leave on his face. Then there was another game where you had to avoid getting punched by angry people. I also played a game where I had to build the wall as high as I can without dropping any blocks or I am fired. There are lot of hilarious Trump games in the Google Play store and all of them are free. There was even a game where I had to defend my country by keeping out immigrants who were trying to enter the country and letting three in got me a game over.
I saw a game in the Google Store called Try And Get Into The US. I looked at it and read the description and I would be playing an immigrant and I try to get into the US without getting caught. I downloaded it onto my phone. While I waited for the downloading to finish, my nappy grew warm and it spread throughout the bottom of the nappy. The feeling lasted about twenty seconds and then it stopped and I felt all warm and damp in my crotch and then I felt dry again. It was a good thing I always changed my nappies before going to work. I had on a clean one when I got ready and now it was already wet.
I checked out Pokemon Go again for a few seconds and exited the game again.
More people shouted into the intercom at the train driver about wanting to move. It was getting chaotic in here and I had just seen another person had peed by the door because she was pulled her trousers up. This was bad. I wondered if anyone peed before leaving their homes just like how I always change before leaving for work. But no one was expecting this to happen so of course no one would stop at a toilet to pee or before leaving their residence. But luckily not many people had peed on the train but I heard some comments that it was already smelling and people refusing to stand in those two spots. I figured maybe those people had weak bladders and couldn’t hold it. I wonder how they manage to do it when out in public and they can’t find a toilet? Maybe they should be wearing nappies when they leave their home.
I looked at the time again and saw it had been over two hours already. My phone was down to 91% and even though it was still charging, the battery was still going down because I was using more power and the charge couldn’t keep up so it was making the battery drain very slowly. It was better to have my phone last as long as possible. I turned my phone off into sleep mode and put it away and took out my 3DS.
I played Pokemon daily challenge again on Pokemon Picross. When I finished the challenge I exited out of the game and did Pokemon Shuffle. I always hoarded hearts and coins so I had maximum amount and maximum hearts. I did the challenge where the level goes up every time I defeat the Pokemon and I get prizes when I make it past a certain level.
When I got tired of the game, I exited out of it and picked another game to play.
Then I heard a guitar and people singing. I looked up and I saw a group of guys singing and they were slapping their hands on the seats and walls and poles while one of them was playing the guitar and they were also dancing. People started to clap along as they listened.
I also heard other music playing on the other side of the train. I noticed another person was playing on their cell phone and it was some puzzle game where you crush blocks when you line them up with the same color.
“What an adventure,” said the man sitting right next to me on the left.
“Careful there is piss in this cup,” said another guy’s voice a few seats over right of me.
“Yeah that’s right, I had to go so I went in this cup, one of the good advantages of being a guy while the women had to squat and pull down their trousers,” he said again to another lady.
“Dude you have a 3DS,” said another young man sitting right next to me on the right.
“Yeah,” I said.
“I have one too, what games do you have for it?”
I showed him all my games. I also showed him my junk folder where I kept stuff I didn’t even use.
“Dude, why do you have that stuff in there?” he asked.
“I don’t use them and have no use for them,” I said.
“Why not just delete Amiibo Friends?” he asked.
“Because I only play it whenever I get a new Amiibo,” I replied.
“You don’t use Download Play?”
“I have no one to play with so I don’t need it,” I said.
“Dude we can play together,” he said.
“Really?” I asked.
He showed me his 3DS and showed me what he had on it and then he showed me his psychical cartridges.
“Do you want to play?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said.
I couldn’t resist the experience.
“Do you like Zelda?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“Ever played Triforce Heroes?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to play it, I have the game with me.”
“Okay,” I said.
He put the game in his system and put the other game back in his case.
“What was that other game you had?” I asked.
“Oh it was a Pokemon Moon game,” and he showed it to me. “Do you play it?”
“No,” I said.
“It’s a fun game, you should get it some time.”
He went to the game and told me to go to Download Play.
I did and he told me to tap on 3DS when he tells me he is ready.
I waited for him and then he told me to tap on it. The game showed up on my screen and I tapped it and then it downloaded onto my system and the game got set up and we started to play together.
Being stuck on the train wasn’t bad after all. Everyone was entertaining themselves and each other and having fun. People were dancing, some were playing instruments and making their own sounds, someone was playing music loudly for others to listen to, people were talking or playing on their phones and I was playing a game with another stranger.
“Attention passengers, we will be trying to get everyone off this train soon, thank you for your patience,” said the intercom.
“We have been stuck on this train for two hours and twenty five minutes now,” I heard someone say.
“Awesome, you guys have a 3DS,” said another person. We looked up and it was another woman and she had a nose ring and purple hair and she was chubby but she had on tattoos and she took out her 3DS and waved it at us saying “I have one too.”
“We’re doing download play, want to join us?” the man asked.
“Sure,”
“We’re almost done here.”
Me and the guy finished the level and then decided what game to play next.
“I have Mario Party Star Rush,” I said.
I went to the game and showed it to them and pressed multiplayer. I had two options of Download Play and Local Wireless.
“Do you want to play that?” the man asked.
“Awesome,” said the lady.
I went to Download Play and they went to their Download Play and then they showed up on my screen and I selected begin. I was back on the main menu screen and I selected a game to play. I did Toad Scramble. That is my favorite one. I selected Toadette as my character and I waited for the other two to select theirs and then the game automatically selected a COM character. We started the game and we played.
No one ever got us off this train nor had the train ever moved but I was having too much fun to even care. I got lucky for forgetting my phone or else I wouldn’t have been able to have this fun gaming experience.
“Oh my god, there has been another attack at Canningham,” said another person who was looking on her phone.
More people gave her attention about it and she started to read the article out loud.
I tried listening to it but it was hard to hear with some people talking around me and the music playing. I decided to finish my game first before checking it out on my phone.
“Attention passengers, I don’t know how long it’s going to be until we can move again or when we get everyone off this train, there has been a bombing at the Canningham Station and in other buildings there including Canningham Square. Police are there and so are the paramedics looking for survivors and there have been reported deaths already.”
“Sorry, I gotta look at this,” said the purple haired lady.
She closed her system and took out her phone and looked on there. I sat and waited and she said “Oh hold crap. These fucking Muslims are at it again.”
“Lady, you don’t know who did it and they never said anything about it being a terrorist attack,” said the other lady. “That’s racist.”
“I’m racist?” the purple haired woman asked. “How am I being racist if this is what they did?”
“You don’t know they did it, that is just your assumption.”
“Not all Muslims bomb dude,” said the other guy.
“But every terrorist attack is a Muslim,” she pointed out. “How often are they going to attack us?”
“Why would they do it at this time of day?” said the 3DS guy.
The purple haired lady ranted on about Muslims and how much she hates them and how she wanted them all out of our country.
“Hey I know many people who are Muslim and they wouldn’t appreciate your hate,” said the other person pointing his finger at her.
“They can just choose to not be Muslim,” she said.
“Just stop it, not all of them believe in this. None of them do whom I know,” said the person again.
“If you look at the statistics it will show that many terrorist attacks were done by Muslims and this is why the new US president banned seven Muslim countries from entering the US to avoid something like this.”
“Has there been statistics showing how many of them there are and how many of them do this?” the guy asked again.
Her Muslim hate was bothering me but I was too afraid to say anything. I wanted to yell “shut up.” I can’t stand hearing any racism or any phobia speech. I was so glad I didn’t have to deal with her and I didn’t know her. I would hate to know a bigot. Sadly I deal with one online because I found out too late he was one so I try to avoid any bigot topics he brings up and not argue with him about it. If I had known from the beginning what his beliefs were, I would have quit talking to him.
Then I heard a couple people were talking about Trump and how he did the Muslim ban and a ban on immigration for 120 days. I was so glad to be an American citizen but I keep thinking about renouncing it so I wouldn’t have to still pay US taxes and I wasn’t from one of the countries Trump banned to keep from entering the US. I am sure Tristian is a US citizen because I was born in the US and a US Citizen but my step son was not nor Daddy. Dad gave up his US citizenship because he didn’t want to keep paying American taxes but I kept mine but keep thinking about renouncing mine but I was born there so it would feel weird to not be part of them anymore when it had been my home for my whole life. I wonder if Tristian would have to pay US taxes when he starts employment. I wouldn’t have to worry about that until he gets to the age when he is legally to work.
“Fuck Trump,” said another person sitting somewhere left of me. She sounded American.
I was sure lot of people on this train were filled with immigrants because London is filled with them. I hear different accents all the time and different languages and I see different races. I can easily pass as British because of how I speak now and I’m white. No one would guess I was born and raised in the US unless I started talking about my American life and saying I lived there.
The purple haired woman had lost interest in the game because she never resumed and the game on my 3DS was interrupted so I had to close out of it. I looked on my phone again and it was fully charged and the charger stick was off. I went on google and typed in ‘london bombing at Canningham’ and there it was. I read about it and it just happened right after my shift would have started and at the time when Canningham Square got attacked, I would have been working in it and if I had not forgotten my phone, I would have been in that building and possibly gotten killed or hurt. I felt so lucky. I was so glad to be stuck on this train instead. I wondered if Steven was worried about me. He will know I am okay once I arrive home. I couldn’t send any text messages without any phone signal but I still had internet because we get it through our provider and it’s connected to our mobile phones. But I was using up the minutes because I wasn’t connected to any service so it was just minutes I was using.
Then I felt my nappy getting filled with poop. I could feel it expanding and poop pressing on my skin while I was farting. I felt it spreading to the front and back and when I moved my body I could feel it spreading. Luckily it didn’t feel too big but it was big enough for it to spread in the front and back. Then I felt my nappy getting wet again and the pee spreading further to the front.
I hoped this train would get moving soon. People were still talking and entertaining themselves and some were fanning their faces because it was hot on this train. I took my coat off and held it in front of me.
I didn’t feel too embarrassed because I was used to messing myself and I quit caring what others would think. I didn’t dare to look at anyone. Hopefully they wouldn’t know it was me and would think someone just farted. Now I hoped I wouldn’t leak because there is a difference being in a messy nappy at home or out in public and being stuck in a place where there are no toilets and not being able to leave. I didn’t want to be changing in front of everyone but what were they going to do, arrest me for needing a clean nappy or else I would leak all over? Will they arrest the others for peeing on the train? I am sure there had been others who had peed on the train since then and others peeing in cups or bottles. I wondered if anyone else on the train had nappies on because they were also incontinent like me or had bladder problems or because they were AB/DL. At least they had something to go in.
I heard the guitar guy playing a Beatles tune “Here Comes the Sun” and it reminded me of the song I used to hear a lot as a kid when we would play The Abby Road album and then the man started to sing the song. He knew the lyrics to the song. I wondered if he was a Beatles fan. I had most of their albums, lot of them were ripped but I didn’t listen to CDs anymore because I could get them on youtube and listen to them there and listen to any song I wanted to hear.
I thought of the real Beatles song while the guy sang it. I preferred the original version even though he was doing a good job with the song.
Music was still playing at the back of the train and I could hear “Every Breath You Take” by The Police.
Another person had music blaring through their headphones and I couldn’t make out what the song was. It was just noise and words were a blur and the song.
Soon the song ended at the back of the train and then “You Spin Me Round” started playing.
I stayed in the nappy and focused on my 3DS while feeling the mess inside. No one said anything to me about the smell and I hoped no one smelled it because I could smell it sometimes. I wished I had on thicker nappy and a booster inside but I didn’t know this was going to happen. I caught myself rocking. Now I was starting to get anxious about being stuck on the train. I thought about getting up and calling the help button and saying I needed to get off the train and to get someone here now because I need to change my nappy or I will leak all over and get rashes.
I waited a little long and then people were also starting to get impatient because I saw a group of guys pounding on the door and trying to open them.
“This is ridiculous, they shouldn’t leave us here,” said one of the guys. “People have plans, some need to be home with their families. There is no phone signal in this tunnel so we have no way of calling anyone letting them know what is going on.”
They sounded unBritish because of their accents.
“Hey man they can always watch the news and they will know what’s going on,” said another person.
“But we still shouldn’t be kept on this train, they said they were going to get us out of here and we have been waiting and waiting,” said the guy again.
“Yeah some people might have to go pee and will end up going on this train again or some might have medical needs to take care of and can’t do it here,” I said.
“Ohhhh that is what the smell is,” I thought I heard someone say but I ignored it because I wasn’t sure if it was just me imagining it.
The guys started to pound at the door again and trying to pry it open to get out so they could walk out of the tunnel.
Oh no, were they crazy? They are going to fry if they touch the electric track and were they even going to fit between the wall and the train?
A bunch of guys were grabbing at the center of the doors trying to pull them open.
“Hey you can’t pull those open,” said another lady.
“Will you please let go of the door,” said the voice on the intercom.
The guys yelled again saying things like.
“Dude we have been waiting for nearly four hours now.”
“We want off this train, when will we start moving again?”
“Fuck you dude, we want off this fucking train, it’s hot in here.”
“Open the doors and let us off.”
“I can’t let you off in this tunnel,” said the voice again.
“What the fuck man? I am sick of being trapped on this train and people have been pissing in here.”
“And it smells like shit in here because it smells like someone pooped their pants,” said another person near me.
“I’m very sorry, I wish I could do more but I can’t. I am still waiting,” said the voice.
Then things started to get more crazy. The guys kept grabbing at the doors again and other people were trying to pull them off and they were shouting they will get electrocuted if they go out there. But the men wouldn’t budge. People were working together to keep those two men away from the door.
I started to feel anxious. It was hot on this train, and I had taken off my coat and some people were fanning papers in front of their faces. All the people on the train were making it hot and I was sweating.
I bet those men were going crazy because they couldn’t stand being trapped and they were panicking. People had to work together to tackle those men.
I saw someone was holding up their mobile phone I assume were filming the whole thing and I bet it was going to go on Youtube or go on Facebook and I imagined the video going viral.
I took out my phone again and went to camera and turned it to video and started to record everyone on the train. I also planned to put it on Facebook for everyone to see what was going on.
By the time I had gotten the video started, the men had just quit trying to pry open the doors and people were blocking it telling them if they try and go out in the tracks, they will be electrocuted to death and they will be fried.
I looked at the other people and by then no one was interacting and people were just sitting still but music was still playing and the man was no longer playing his guitar and the other guys were not making their own music with him and no one was clapping with the music. The guy right by me was no longer playing his 3DS.
I filmed the whole cabin for four minutes and then I turned it off and went to my Facebook and selected Live but found out it wouldn’t let me post any videos and I would have to do it live so I decided to do nothing. I put on Facebook instead “Still waiting to get off this train and some people had started to go crazy other people had to tackle them away from the doors. Damn bombers.”
I felt pissed about this whole thing, not because of the bombers, but because they left us here and they couldn’t even be bothered to back up the train or just let us go to the next station to let us off unless there was another train up ahead that was trapping us. Why couldn’t they just send someone to rescue us or just tell them to turn off the track and let us out so we can walk?
I was also starting to panic. I rocked back and forth. I did not like being trapped on this train and I really needed a new nappy and I also felt I was starting to go crazy. I really needed a new nappy and it was very wet and messy.
I waited ten more minutes and then I shot out of my seat and walked to an open area and put my stuff down and opened my backpack and took out the clean wipes and a nappy and rash cream. I pulled down my trousers.
I couldn’t believe I was doing this. No one tried to stop me. I didn’t look at anyone and I just faced the window while I had my trousers and shoes off and was wiping myself down there. I felt silence around me and people talking saying there was a lady on here exposing her messy ass to everyone. I didn’t care. Maybe this will get them to send help here quicker. They didn’t have to be watching me if they didn’t want to see this and they can even close their eyes if they have to and if the police try to arrest me for exposing myself I will just tell them why I did it and how it’s no different than people pulling their pants down to piss on the train. I peed a little bit while I was cleaning myself up so I wiped the urine off my legs and I kept wiping until there was no more poop. Then I put rash cream on and wiped my fingers again and then unfolded the clean nappy and put it on leaning against the door and I didn’t look at anyone as I put it on. Then I pulled up my trousers and wrapped up my used nappy with wipes and put it in my backpack and wiped my hands again and put the wipes back in there and the rash cream and zipped it up.
I still felt eyes on me but I sat back in my seat feeling nervous.
No one said anything. I wondered if they felt bad for me or embarrassed for me. I am sure they knew I was incontinent and I didn’t have a choice or else I would have leaked all over and gotten a terrible infection. I did feel better being in a clean nappy again and my anxiety was less severe.
I kept my head down in my seat not looking at anyone. No one asked me about my problem or gave me comfort. It was like they didn’t care.
“Attention passengers, we have help on the way so thank you for your patience and keeping calm,” said the voice on the speakers.
I bet people were happy. I was relieved.
We waited and I kept still and I took out my phone again and tried reading again but kept getting distracted by thoughts in my head about the bombing and the train being stuck.
Soon, I saw some men arriving and they had on uniforms. They came in through the back door from the other cabin.
No one batted an eye at them and no one was getting up. Instead they were talking to someone on their radios and then they got closer and then they were talking to some passengers and then a person pointed at me.
They got right in front of me and said “Miss, can you come with us please.”
I got up and wore my backpack on my back and my breast bump around my right shoulder and I carried my coat. They had a hold of me as they escorted me off the train. We walked through the cabins and to the last cabin and they took me out the back door. I read their shirts and it said Police.
“Why am I the only one getting off the train and not everyone else?” I asked.
“We got a report about you exposing yourself and you were identified.”
“I wasn’t exposing myself, I am incontinent you see and I really needed a change or else I would have gotten an infection and leaked all over and it was no different than other people peeing on the train,” I explained.
“That is why we need to look at your mental health,” they said. “Keep following us.”
“There is nothing wrong with my mental health,” I said. “Unless you want to count anxiety and my brain damage but I am only injured from the car accident I was in as a child and that left me incontinent and brain damage so I have learning problems.”
“We’ll get that sorted at the hospital,” they said.
They didn’t say anything else.
We kept walking and I was careful to not touch the third rail but they said it was fine and it won’t shock me because it’s not on and he touched the rail with his foot and leg and nothing happened. I touched it with my foot and nothing.
They kept a hold of me and I kept walking with them.
“Ow, not so hard,” I said.
“We’re not trying to hurt you miss,” said the officer.
“Just hold my shirt,” I said.
“We can’t do that miss.”
“Then not so hard then.”
We kept walking and then we were out of the tunnel and we walked to the nearest station and they escorted me onto the platform and brought me to the ambulance.
This was crazy. I wasn’t sick and they were treating me like I was crazy, over changing a nappy?
I let them put me in there and then the paramedics drove off and took me to the nearest hospital. I didn’t say anything. If they want to waste their time and waste money on me, their problem, not mine.
I wasn’t scared. Were they going to arrest me for changing a nappy because I was stuck on the train where there were no toilets? This felt like discrimination on the incontinence. You can urinate in public if you aren’t wearing nappies but if are incontinent and need to change, this happens. It must be illegal to change a nappy in an emergency situation.
When we got to the hospital, I was escorted off and brought into the hospital. I was placed in the room by myself. I didn’t know what to expect. I called Daddy. He didn’t answer his phone so I called Christina’s phone.
Someone picked up. “Hello?” said a voice.
“Christina?” I asked.
“Natalie?”
“You’re up, I thought you would be sleeping.”
“No we were all worried and you’re okay, where are you?”
“In the hospital.”
“In the hospital? What happened?”
“I changed my nappy on the train because we were stuck and had been for a few hours and I really needed to change.”
“So you did it there?” Christina interrupted. “You exposed yourself to everyone?”
“Other people had peed on the train and I really needed to change so I did it there but apparently it’s only okay or urinate in front of people when you’re trapped but if you need a new nappy, you are to leak all over and get infections. That is discrimination.”
“Oh no,” said Christina. She sounded really sad for me.
“Steven, it’s your wife, she’s okay,” said Christina.
I heard him in the background and Christina saying “She is calling from a hospital.”
Then Steven was on the phone.
“Natalia, I was so worried about you, I thought you had died in the bombing when they reported people being in the building at the time it happened,” he said.
“No I wasn’t there when it happened because I forgot my phone luckily,” I said. “Hey I’m in the hospital.”
“I know, Christina told me. What happened, are you hurt?”
“No I was brought here because I changed my nappy. I really needed it and no one was coming to rescue us and they were taking too long and my nappy couldn’t wait but yet it’s okay to pee on the train but not change your nappy.”
“Do you know which hospital you are at?” Daddy asked.
“No,” I said.
We talked and I told him about the train and how hot it got and how crazy some people got and how some other people had to pull the guys away from the doors because they were trying to get out in the tracks. I also told him about me playing my 3DS with two other people and people singing and playing music and everyone just kept calm but some people got upset and some guys went crazy by trying to pry open the door.
“What did people say when you were changing your nappy?” Daddy asked.
“Nothing,” I said.
“Can I talk to them?”
“No because I am not there anymore.”
“No I mean to the people at the hospital.”
“No one is with me right now.”
“We’ll stay on the phone and I’ll wait.”
I put my phone on speaker and took out my 3DS again.
Then soon the door opened again and a few nurses walked in.
“They just walked in,” I said to Daddy.
“Put them on?”
I picked up the phone and turned off speaker, “my husband wants to talk to you guys,” I said.
They took the phone from me and started talking and asked him some questions like what medications I am on and if I have any medical conditions and anything they should be aware of.
“Uh uh, uh uh,” one of the nurses was saying. “I see. Oh okay. We will take care of her and let you know.”
Then she hung up and gave the phone back to me. “You have a very good husband.”
I was escorted out of the room by her and a male nurse and brought to a lift and up to one of the floors and brought to a room with a bed and night stand and cupboard.
“We have this for you to wear if you want to change into it,” said the nurse showing me them from the cupboard. “There is another blanket if you need it.”
She closed the cupboard and the pointed to the call button, “the button is there if you need anything. Due do hospital policy, we are required to take anything sharp from you or anything that can be used as a weapon to harm yourself.”
“I don’t have anything,” I said.
I gave them my breast bump and my backpack for them to check.
One of the nurses opened it and took out my stuff and she didn’t say anything about my nappies or my used one.
“Rubbish can is right there,” she pointed and then she washed her hands in the bathroom.
She finished checking everything and decided I didn’t have anything sharp or anything dangerous to take and they let me keep everything.
“We will have a doctor come see you soon. Call if you need anything.”
I didn’t think they would have any chargers for me to use so I didn’t ask for those.
“How long will I be in here for?” I asked.
“You were sent here for exposure and a mental evaluation has been called so you will be staying the night here. You will be served breakfast in the morning and a psychiatrist will be sent to evaluate you,” the male nurse explained.
“But how long will I be here?” I asked again.
“We don’t know. If the doctor thinks you can be released you will be let out of here,” said the female nurse. “Call us if there is anything you need, the call button is right there,” she pointed again.
They left and I took my used nappy out of my backpack and put it in the tiny rubbish bin and got my breast bump set up and I pumped my milk and poured the milk in the sink and rinsed out the bottles and let them air dry. I stripped off all my clothes and I was going to shower but saw there was no soap and shampoo so I hit the call button.
“Yes.”
“I want to take a shower, do you guys have any shampoo?”
“We’ll get you some.
“And I need towels,” I said.
“Okay.
I waited in the bathroom and then the door opened and they handed the stuff to me. I thanked them and I set a towel on the floor and put the soap and shampoo and conditioner in the shower. I set my towel on the toilet and took off my nappy and set it there. I turned the water on and got in. I washed my hair and body and turned the shower off. It felt so good to be cleaned. I dried off and put my nappy back on and left the bathroom and I realized I didn’t have a hair brush. I doubt they had those here. I put on the hospital gown and brushed my hair using my fingers. My hair looks nice anyway even without it brushed.
I looked out the window and saw the lights and buildings I closed the shades and grabbed the blanket from the cupboard and climbed into bed with my phone and I turned off the light. I decided to ask for a pad for my nappy.
I hit the call button again.
“Yes.”
“Do you have a bed pad I can use, the one that catches any liquids.”
“Hold on.”
I waited and then soon someone came to the door and it opened and I got out of bed and it was a nurse carrying the pad in her arms She pulled the blankets and flat sheets off and placed the pad down on the bed and it was pretty big. It was washable. Then she was done and I thanked her and laid back down.
That way if I leaked, they would only have to change the bed pad and I wouldn’t have to worry about wet sheets and a wet mattress. I wet my nappy again while I was crawling back into bed.
I read on my phone but decided I needed to save power so I turned the phone off completely and turned out the light and tried to go to sleep.
Chapter 3
I woke up later and it was still dark out and I remembered I was in the hospital. I wondered if the door was locked so I got out of bed and opened it and it opened. I closed it again. I guess they were not worried about their mental patients escaping unless they had cameras and kept the doors locked that led outside the psychiatric unit.
I didn’t know what time it was so I opened my 3DS and saw the time. It was 3:07.
I shut the system off to save power and changed my nappy again and went back to bed.
I tried going back to sleep but couldn’t get back to sleep. I always have problems staying asleep.
I felt too shy to call the help button again to ask for any magazines or books to read or to even see if they have a charger for me to use. I turned on my phone again and checked my Facebook.
I checked the posts on my wall and there were still a lot of Trump news and I wasn’t sure what ones were fake and I felt too lazy to check for sources. Then I went to Wrongplanet. Then I was done and I played Shopkins Chef Club and then did Miitomo and went to Kindle and started reading again. I still used my charger stick to make my phone last longer. Then around five am I tried going back to sleep again.
A couple hours later a new nurse came in the room. I lifted my head and she emptied out the rubbish and took my two used nappies and put in a new liner.
“Is there anything you need?”
“When will I be getting out of here?” I asked.
“I will check.”
She left and I waited for her and soon she came back and told me what was going on. I was brought here by the city police because I had done an offense and my husband had been spoken too when I was brought in and they are going to check with my doctor and have a psychiatrist come here to talk to me and decide if I need to stay or be released.
“I’m bored here,” I said.
“I can bring you books to read or some magazines or puzzles.”
“Sure,” I said.
She left and I called my husband.
“Hello?” he said.
“Daddy.”
“Hi Natalia.”
“What are you going to do about Tristian?” I asked.
“I called my work and told my boss what happened and he was understanding so I am off work right now. They did call me and told me what was happening. I can’t believe you changed your nappy on the train.”
“I had no choice or I would have leaked and gotten rashes,” I said. “Other people have peed on the train or in cups because they also had no choice.”
“I understand.”
“I didn’t want to do it but I had no choice. They were taking too long to get us and my nappy wouldn’t be able to wait.”
“I know honey, that is why I am not upset. You waited for how long?”
“Three hours,” I said.
“Okay, you didn’t know how long it was going to be. I am sure they will understand and release you once they find out you are not a danger to everyone.”
“It’s not like I always change my nappies in public,” I said.
“I know honey but they didn’t know that. Lot of people don’t wear nappies so they called for emergency because they didn’t know if you were crazy.”
“They never heard of being incontinent? What do they think adult nappies are for? Babies and elderlies?”
“Lot of people don’t wear them so no one is going to think of a person wearing them and they are often associated with the handicapped and dementia and small children under three and you pulled your trousers down and showed everyone your dirty nappy and your bare bottom.”
“But they still could have at least assumed I am incontinent and had no place to change and I really needed it or else leak all over and get rashes.”
Then the door opened and the nurse walked back in with some activity books and magazines and she gave me a pencil to use. She set them on my bed and left.
“You guys don’t have any chargers here do you for my phone?” I said.
“No, we don’t,” said the nurse.
“That’s what I thought.”
“Do you want anything to eat?”
“Not right now,” I said.
“Okay, call if you need anything,” and she left again.
“That was the nurse,” I said to Daddy. “She gave me some stuff to read and some activity books so I am not bored.”
“Call me when you can come home,” he said. “I will be here waiting, I can even come get you if you would like.”
“Sure,” I said. “I will let you know when they release me.”
We hung up and I did a word search and that kept me busy.
Soon I changed my nappy again and I was down to my last nappy. I hit the call button again.
A nurse came back. “Did you call?”
“Yes I am down to my last nappy so my husband will either need to bring me some or unless you provide them.”
“Well that depends on what kind you wear. We might not have the right brand you prefer but we can still call your husband and he can bring them here. You know to be honest I don’t think you belong in here.”
“I know, I tried telling them but they wouldn’t listen,” I said.
“Well better than getting arrested and going to jail you know.”
I laughed.
“Well they thought you were mentally ill or something because not very many people wear nappies.”
“I guess they never heard of incontinence,” I said.
“I know, the majority don’t wear them so they were alarmed to see you getting changed and thought you had mental problems or something.”
Technically I do have mental problems, it’s called anxiety disorder. But I didn’t say it out loud.
To me anxiety disorder just means not being able to handle stress like a normal person or getting stressed out about things most people wouldn’t be stressed about or getting upset most people wouldn’t get upset about or not being able to handle your emotions like a normal person. Anxiety also just means exaggerating your fears and your worries and thinking something is bad than it really is or making a big deal out of something when it’s not a big of deal.
“What kind of nappies do you have here?” I asked.
“We carry Tena.”
“Okay I wear those usually.”
“I will bring you some.”
She left and I went back to my word search puzzle. My tummy grumbled for food. Maybe I should eat something.
Soon the nurse came back with a few nappies and set them on the bed stand beside the bed. I saw they were the green kind instead of the purple kind.
“I don’t think you will be here long. I have seen worse,” she told me.
“Really? Like what?” I asked.
“We have had patients come in here who were a danger to themselves or to others, we have had people come in here when they have committed a crime like assault or yelling profanity and breaking a window and all you did was take care of your medical need because you were trapped underground so it’s not like you changed in the middle of a shopping center or on the pavement. You would have likely found a toilet to change if you were not trapped.”
“Yes,” I said. “It’s no different than people peeing because they were stuck. I am ready for some food now.”
“I don’t know why they are keeping you here when it’s clear you don’t need to be in here. They should have released you after your arrival. We have a dining room where everyone eats, I will bring you to it.”
I followed her and she led me back to the first level and brought me to the dining room. I saw other patients in there eating and they all looked normal.
I picked out my food and it was cereal with milk. I opened it and the milk and poured it in and started eating.
No one talked and patients were in their gowns. One lady’s hair was a mess and it was long. It was all frizzled. She would look like a stereotype of a crazy person. I wondered what her problem was. I figured all these people here had something and if I saw them in the streets, I wouldn’t even guess they had a mental problem. Everyone seemed normal here. It wasn’t like you see in movies about mental hospitals. Plus there were no bars on the windows. I also wondered if anyone here also didn’t belong here.
I got done eating and I cleared my spot and threw my stuff away and went back to my hospital room.
A doctor was sitting in there.
“Hi Natalia, I am Dr. Stevens, what’s up?”
“I just had breakfast,” I said.
I sat on my bed.
“I am here to ask you some questions, so tell me how your day has been going so far?” he said.
“Fine.”
“What’s been going on so far?”
“I had breakfast and everyone seemed normal because they were not acting all crazy and I wouldn’t even guess they have something wrong with them if I saw them in the streets and I have been doing my word search here because I was bored and I have no way of charging my phone or my 3DS.”
“Can you tell me why you are here?”
“They thought I was exposing myself when all I did was changed my incontinent product because it really needed to be done or else I would have gotten infections and gotten my trousers and the seat all wet and other people peed on the train so what I did was no different. It’s like they don’t even know about incontinence so I am being persecuted for it.”
“Can you tell me what day this is?”
“Thursday.”
“Do you know the date?”
“Yes.”
“Can you tell me?”
“March 9th 2017.”
Dr. Stevens kept asking me questions about myself and my marriage and my children and why I moved here and he asked me about my family and he asked me some strange questions every now and then like what is the different between an apple and an orange and how are they different. He also asked me about my employment and my hobbies.
This was like a normal conversation and I didn’t even feel I was being evaluated. He didn’t do any tests with me like puzzles or mazes or do any IQ tests with me.
He also asked me about two idioms and what I think they mean and because I had never heard of them, I didn’t understand them so I said I didn’t know but he told me to do my best and just make a guess so I did which was pretty literal what I did. He didn’t say anything else. He also took notes whenever I was answering his questions. Then he closed his folder and said we were done and he will let the staff team know about my release.
I thanked him and he told me to have a good day and told me he also didn’t think I belonged in here and he didn’t think I posed any danger to others or to myself and he didn’t see why they would keep me here.
“Oh by the way, they got the rest off the train but not until one in the morning,” he said.
I was shocked. “Why did it take them that long?”
“It’s not easy to evacuate a bunch of passengers from the train, you got uneven grounds, they have to shut off the rails, they need extra light to see through the tunnels, it’s not easy.”
“But they got me out of there quick,” I said.
“It was an emergency situation and they didn’t know if you were dangerous or not.”
He left and I waited. I played on my 3DS again and it was down to three bars.
One of the nurses came in again later and told me I was free to go home now because everything looked good according to my NHS records and what Dr. Stevens told them and asked me if I needed a ride home or have family and I told her my husband would come pick me up so I would need to call him to come get me.
“We’ll call him, what’s his number?”
I looked in my phone and gave her the number and she wrote it down and told me they will call him and he will pick me up here in this room.
She left and I continued playing my 3DS.
I decided to get dressed so I got dressed back in my street clothes again but left off my work shirt. I put the three nappies in my backpack and zipped it. I left the hospital clothes on the floor by my bed. I pumped my milk again and poured the milk out in the sink and rinsed the bottles and put them back in the breast bump bag.
I was doing a word search again when Daddy arrived with Tristian.
I said hi to Tristian and hugged him and kissed him. Daddy picked up my stuff and my work shirt.
I double checked my room to make sure I had nothing behind. I didn’t and we left.
Daddy signed me out and he took me out to his car. We walked in the car park and to his car.
Daddy unlocked his car and I strapped Tristian in his car seat and got in the front. I put my seat belt on while Daddy put my stuff in the backseat and got in on the driver’s side.
“Glad I am still here?” I asked.
“Yes, I was very worried about you. What happened?”
I told him how I was on my way to work and then I realized I had forgotten my phone so I went back and got it and then I couldn’t find it so I had to look for it and then I found it and left. But I had to wait for the bus and then I went to the station and waited for the train and got on. Then when I was on the second train, we just stopped. We slowed down until we were to a dead stop. I told him what happened on the train and people getting impatient and men forcing the door open. I also told him about pooping in my nappy on the train and then being stuck in it and then changing in the tunnel while I was walking out of there.
“You had an adventure.”
“And I didn’t freak out,” I said. “Well I was starting to after I pooped but then I got out. I guess everyone should expose themselves to get off the train sooner.”
Daddy laughed.
“I’m serious,” I said. “Maybe I should expose myself. I just found a short cut to getting off the train sooner.”
“No Natalia, please don’t ever manipulate the system,” said Daddy.
“Then they should get us help sooner than making us wait. It’s unacceptable. I should do something crazy every time that happens.”
“No Natalia if you keep faking it, they will know and next time you might be arrested and taken into custody, you don’t want that.”
“Well at least changing a nappy isn’t fake.”
“But if you do it right after the train stopped or when you hadn’t been waiting long and you did it, they would know. You have already been taken to the hospital so it’s in the system now this has happened and you are not crazy, you’re not sick, you’re not retarded. This was just a one time thing and an incident. It’s not something you do and they know that so that was why they released you. Besides if you kept on doing it, they might not let you go next time because they will think you are too unstable to leave and need treatment. It can backfire.”
I was so glad I took this all well and I didn’t have any meltdowns and I was very flexible despite the unexpected change.
“How did you find out about the bombing?” I asked.
“I heard it on the news and then I was really worried about you. I did try to call you but it went straight to voice message.”
“I had no signal,” I said.
“I am glad you are okay.”
“I am surprised I handled this all well, no freak outs and I didn’t get scared when I was taken out by the police and taken to the hospital,” I said.
“I’m glad,” said Daddy.
“I just can’t believe it took them until one in the morning to get everyone off that train. That makes me feel so lucky I got out sooner.”
“Your dad called, he was really worried about you because he thought you were in the building but I told him you had missed your bus and train so you were late and didn’t make it to work. You should call him when you get home to let him know you’re home safe.”
We arrived home and Daddy took my stuff in for me while I brought in Tristian. I was so glad to be home again.
“I am going to get to work now,” said Daddy.
“I thought you told me you were off work?” I asked.
“For right now I said but you’re home now so I can get back to working.”
I plugged in my phone and my 3DS and my charger stick.
I opened my computer and looked up my work company and dialed their number.
“Hello, this is Elisabeth speaking, how may I help you?”
“Yeah this is Natalia Wilums calling about my employment. I worked in the Canningham Square and that got bombed out and now I am unemployed so where do I go for to get another job from you guys?” I asked.
“Who was your supervisor?”
“Joel. I don’t know his last name.”
“Okay, you can try getting a hold of him and he will tell you who you need to call.”
“Okay,” I said.
“You know how to reach him?”
“Yes, I have his number on my phone. Bye.”
“Have a nice day.”
I hung up and called my boss next.
“Hello?”
“Joel this is Natalia.”
“Natalia?”
“Yes, I was on my way to work when it happened so I was stuck on the train for a few hours. Did you think I was dead?”
“It showed you never clocked in so I thought you were dead before you could even do it but I am glad you’re okay. None of the other workers in the building made it though because they were all in there. But Sidney had called in sick so she is also okay.”
Poor Helga, poor Greg, poor all the others but me oh yay, I am here. Yay for Sidney too for being sick. Yay for me for having to go get my phone.
“I forgot my phone so it made me late but it became a good thing or I would have been dead,” I said. “Hey who do I call about getting another job?”
“I will contact Anna Shemmings and let her know about you and you will hear from her again when she finds out about what will happen with you or you can give her a call if you don’t hear from her within three days, you know how to reach her?”
“No.”
“Okay I will try and get her number and I will get back to you.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Bye.”
“Bye,” I said.
I put my phone down and looked on the website some more trying to see if they had a list of employers.
Then I saw a list of names and their numbers and extensions so I dialed Anna’s office number.
I sometimes wonder if everyone working there has disabilities. After all it’s an employment service that employs people with disabilities but lot of them are immigrants working for them. I wonder if they actually have a disability or if they have made being bilingual a disability.
I put in the extension number and left her a message saying my work building was bombed so I wanted another job and to get back to me if she knows anything and I left her my mobile number.
I hung up and Steven had finished getting ready for work. “Did you call your father?”
“Not yet,” I said.
“Call him and I already gave Tristian breakfast so he could be hungry again and Natalia, don’t worry about getting a job, you’re fine with staying at home and being a mother.”
“But I want to work, I don’t want to be a burden,” I said.
“You are not a burden and besides I’m Daddy and little girls don’t go to work, they stay home.”
“But they go to daycare and nursery school and they don’t take care of babies.”
“But you’re an adult baby, not a baby.”
“But I still want to work so I don’t feel lazy.”
“You’re not lazy, you take care of our son and clean the house. I make enough money to support all of us.”
I sometimes feel he doesn’t want me to work.
“I feel you don’t want me working,” I said,
“It’s not that, I just don’t want you getting stressed out if you can’t get another job so I am telling you to not worry and you’re fine if you don’t look for another one. I love you honey,” he kissed me on the check. “Don’t forget to call your father,” and he left.
I called my dad’s number and he picked up.
“Natalie,” he said.
“Steven said he wanted me to call you,” I said.
“I was worried about you.”
“Did you think I died?”
“Yes, I thought you were a goner so I called your husband and he said you were not at home but then I saw on Facebook you were stuck underground so I was relieved.”
“That I was alive right?”
“Yes. How are you feeling about all this?”
“That I’m lucky to even be alive and I happened to forget my phone at the right time and I just had to have it and couldn’t go without it.”
“You’re not scared are you?”
“No. I just feel shocked and oh my gosh because it happened where I worked and in the building I worked in and it could have been me in there if I didn’t forget my phone.”
“They are now saying it was a terrorist attack, you should go turn on the news. And Natalie, don’t feel guilty about not dying. It was freak timing and a coincidence.”
“Why would I feel guilty?” I asked.
“You hear of survivor remorse? Someone might feel that way when they survive or when there was perfect timing because they did the wrong turn or forgot something or got sick or cancelled out or changed plans, stuff like that, you’re human so you forgot your phone so don’t feel bad for not being on time for work.”
“Why would anyone feel guilty for surviving or for lucking out like I did?” I asked.
“I don’t know. It’s just a feeling people get. If you start feeling that way, just tell yourself you have a right to be alive and move on.”
We talked and I told Dad about my adventure on the train and discrimination about incontinence. Continent people can do public urination and get away with it if they were trapped in a situation and there were no toilets but if I change my nappy, police are called.
“You changed your nappy on the train, that sounds like something you would do,” said Dad.
“I had no choice, I didn’t want to do it but I would have leaked and gotten infections if I stayed in it,” I said.
Then I told him about my time in the hospital and everyone saying I didn’t belong in there so I was released when I should have been released last night after getting there.
“Why did they keep you there overnight?” Dad asked.
“I don’t know but the doctor there said he didn’t see why they wouldn’t release me after my arrival because he didn’t think I belonged there. Even another nurse said she didn’t think I would be there long because she also thought I didn’t need to be there because she had seen worse. I bet I was the easiest patient for them.”
“I bet,” said Dad. “Hey I am going to let you get back to your kid now. I am so glad you are alive. Gosh how many times have you survived disasters? There’s been the fire, the car wreck, your evil teacher, the creek right by Meadow Creek, the roof, the time you stabbed yourself, what else?”
“The sexual abuse?” I asked.
“Oh you almost had a box fell on you when you were a baby,” said Dad.
“What?” I asked.
“Yeah when we first moved in our house in Saltwater. We were bringing in boxes and all our other stuff and one of the boxes fell over and it nearly landed on you but it missed you by a couple inches. We were lucky. We didn’t have you crawl around anymore and kept you in your playpen instead.”
“How did the box fell over?” I asked.
“I don’t know. They were stacked and then all of a sudden they fell over and you were there and they nearly landed on you. If they had fallen on you, you would have been toast.”
“I never knew that happened so that is something new,” I said. “Oh I also survived the choke.”
“Oh yeah you did, Mum went nuts over the whole thing the family moved to get away from us because of your mother. Once she started calling CPS, they fled.”
“I didn’t know she was calling them?”
“Well their son was always getting out of the house and kept going on our property so she was calling them and then she threatened them and the next thing I knew, they were gone.”
“I survived my son too,” I said.
“You’re a very tough girl Natalie,” said Dad.
“I think it was all just luck,” I said.
“You were still tough. You made it through each time. I am sure you will make it through this one. You’re strong. You have been through so much and look where you are now? You have a baby, a husband, a house, you worked so hard.”
It didn’t feel like I worked hard and everyone just makes a big deal out of it. I feel it just all happened where I am now and I didn’t have to do much to make it happen. I was dealing with Imposter Syndrome.
Dad finally got off the phone and looked on my phone. I looked in the Play Store seeing what there was to download like ring tones or themes. I had been thinking about deleting stuff on my phone I have lost interest in like Shopkins Chef Club and Sonic Jump Fever because I don’t play those games as much anymore and I like to leave space on my phone. I also have updates turned off so it won’t do it automatically because it uses up space.
I decided to download a game so I did and I played it. Then I deleted it when I was done with the game. I unintalled it to be exact.
I thought about looking for another job online but decided to wait a month since Daddy said he didn’t mind me not working. And if I don’t hear back from them, I will start looking for another one.
I noticed my boss never got back to me and I never heard back from Anna but I decided I would wait till tomorrow to call again.
I brought Tristian downstairs and put him with his toys and I did some cleaning. I vacuumed and swept and did the dishes and laundry and I was done with it all. I got on my computer and looked on Facebook and I had comments to my posts about being stuck on the train. I got comments from my relatives and Facebook friends about being glad I am okay and saying they hope I made it home safe. Then my aunt Elizabeth had asked me “I thought people were calm in London in those situations.”
I typed “Apparently not because we have immigrants and the guys that went crazy did not sound very British but people stopped them from trying to get out on the tracks by blocking the doors and grabbing their hands away. We didn’t want to see a real live electrocution.” I tried to make a joke there.
I got my phone and brought the charger down and plugged it in my computer and watched the video again. Everyone seemed calm on it by then and I had only gotten the very last bit of the men acting crazy when they tried to pull the doors open to get off and then they calmed down and the people let go of them but there were still people standing by the door blocking it.
Not too long later I heard a Facebook response and I saw Aunt Elizabeth had said “I bet.”
I picked up my phone and tapped on Try and Get Into The US. The game loaded and I started to play. My character had tanned skin and dark brown hair and wore regular clothes. I had to try and find a way to convince the government to get into the US because I was I was legal because I had a visa. I found this game rather boring so I exited it and uninstalled it.
When I decided to eat again, I fed Tristian as I ate and then I had to clean him up. I sat down and nursed him while I did the computer and soon Gailand came home with the kids.
“Oh you’re alive,” she said when she saw me.
“You must have heard about the bombing,” I said.
“Yes I did and I thought you were gone but you’re still here, what happened?”
“When the station got bombed, all the other trains stopped and we stopped so we were stuck there for hours. I hear they didn’t let anyone off until one AM but I got off early because I had to take care of a medical problem while everyone else could pull their trousers down and squat and I had to be the one escorted off the train by cops and taken to a psychiatric ward. All over taking care of my medical needs, funny huh while everyone else can take care of their personal business?”
“That must have been hard,” said Gailand. “At least you didn’t get arrested for exposure.”
“No one thought I belonged there but they still kept me in there for some reason than just letting me go,” I said.
“What’s a psychiatric ward?” Alexis asked.
“It’s where they take people when they have mental problems,” said Gailand.
“Why?”
“Because that is where people go when they get in trouble with the law and they hold you there for a few days,” I said.
“It’s where people go when they are sick and need to get better,” Gailand explained.
“They saw I wasn’t sick so they let me out,” I said.
“Why did they think you were sick?”
“Because I was brought there by the cops for taking care of my medical need so they thought I was sick and needed to get better.”
“How was the hospital?” Gailand asked.
“Okay,” I said. “It’s nothing like you see in movies and there were no crazy people or people acting wild and crazy there like you see on TV.”
“How did it feel to see other people being there?”
“Nothing, they all seemed normal but I saw a lady with wild hair so she did look crazy but didn’t act like it.”
Gailand laughed.
“I was serious,” I said.
“I know, I just thought it was funny.”
People always seem to find my comments funny, I don’t know why.
“So what are they going to do about your job?” Gailand asked.
“I don’t know, I hope they can get me another one. I hate being unemployed.”
“You will get to stay home with Tristian.”
“So but I just get bored when I have too much time on my hands so I need to work to have something to do.”
“Nonsense you have Tristian and a house to clean and a garden to take care of, you can keep yourself here. Here is a life pro tip for you, if you find you have too much time on your hands even with a baby, you’re not doing it right.”
“Just what do I do with a baby?” I asked. “He eats and sleeps and I change him and he plays so what else am I supposed to be doing with him?”
“Play with him, read to him, you talk to him, take him to places so he can explore and learn. Babies need the stimulation and all you do is keep him here at home and he doesn’t get to see the outside world. Oh this high chair here is filthy, you can give yourself something to do by cleaning this thing.”
Gailand quit touching the high chair and she went in the kitchen and started making Haley and Alexis a snack.
I looked at Tristian and let him play. I got on my computer again.
Chapter 4
I woke up to Daddy’s alarm going off on his phone. He shut it off and laid down by me. He grabbed my crotch and pressed against it. My nappy was all nice and wet. I also smelled poop under the covers so I knew I was messy.
“I think I’m messy,” I said.
“You are,” said Daddy. “I woke up to you filling your nappy because you did a big fart and then the whole room smelled. It turned me on.”
“What time was it then?”
“I didn’t look. It was in the middle of the night when I woke up to a huge fart and the whole room smelling.”
“Can you rub my hair?” I asked.
Daddy started rubbing my head. It felt so nice and soft.
Then he stopped and got out of bed. “Ready to be changed?”
“Yes,” I said.
Daddy got the stuff he needed and he put the changing pad down on my bed and he pulled down my pajamas and he started to undo my nappy. Then he lifted my legs up in the air and started leaning me up with an adult wipe. He cleaned my pussy first and then around my buttocks. My vagina farted.
Daddy grabbed more wipes and wiped my butthole and my asshole and he wiped inside my vagina to get all the poop out. I flinched because I hated that feeling. He took the nappy away and had it rolled up and he put the clean nappy under me. He push rash cream on me and then put baby powder on so I would smell fresh and clean and he taped the nappy on. He pulled my pajamas up and pulled the changing pad away and folded it and he picked up my used nappy and threw it away in the bathroom. I heard him wash his hands and then he showered.
While he was getting dressed in there and brushing his teeth and taking care of his other guy business, my nappy grew warm. I enjoyed the feeling and I rubbed it. I felt dry again in no time.
Daddy soon came out and he rubbed my head again for a few seconds and kissed me on the face.
“I peed again,” I said.
“That’s what it’s for,” he said referring to my nappy.
He left our bedroom.
I was so glad Tristian was still sleeping.
I rested and tried to go back to sleep.
I couldn’t sleep again and I soon heard Daddy leaving for work and soon Christina and her kids were up.
Tristian finally woke up after everyone was gone.
I got out of bed and picked him up from his cot and carried him back to my room and nursed him. He went back to sleep and I was so glad.
I decided I was going to go out today and buy him a birthday present for this weekend when we do his party.
I was soon up with Tristian and I fed him in his high chair and I remembered to clean the chair when he was done eating. I did my computer and then I decided I better go to the store and get him a birthday present so I got him ready and myself. I packed our nappy bag and I got our car keys we kept in the dining room in the drawer.
I got my shoes on and took Tristian out to the car and put him in his car seat. I put the nappy bag in the backseat below him and got in on the driver’s side.
I went to Toys R Us and looked around pushing Tristian in the trolley with the nappy bag in it. I looked at the games and the Shopkins. I looked at the baby toys and tried to decide what to get him.
One great thing about being married to Daddy is I don’t have to worry about money. I just use our credit card and he pays it off. He handles all the finances and I don’t have to stress about how much we make and how much we spend. He says we are okay just as long as I don’t do any compulsive spending and he will let me know if I am spending too much. But without me working now I didn’t know how much money we would have now and how tight our budget would be.
I looked at the prices and wondered if I should go somewhere cheaper like TK Maxx. I decided to leave the store and head there so I put the shopping trolley away and carried Tristian out to the car and strapped him in again and put the nappy bag below him.
I had really wished I had brought the push chair along because the next place I had went to was a shopping center and I parked in the car parking garage and I had to carry Tristian all the way to the store.
I put him in the trolley and pushed him to the toy section.
I looked at the toys and tried to decide on what to buy him. I never thought it would be so hard to buy presents for your own children. I also found a Shopkin building set and tossed it in the trolley.
I looked at the baby clothes and at the toys again and decided on a toy. I picked up My Discovery House by Leap Frog.
I then found some baby wrapping paper and bought it.
Then I headed to Game and I had to carry two bags and have Tristian walk with me. Then I carried him and I put him down once I got to the store. I looked around. Then he was starting to get fussy and I was starting to get anxious because of him so I left. I took him back to the car and strapped him in his car seat and I put the bags in the backseat and got in on the driver’s side and headed home. I paid before leaving which was very cheap.
When I got home, I took Tristian inside with the stuff and put him down and took my shoes off. I got him something to eat and I started to wrap the present. Tristian wanted to play with it but I told him it wasn’t his.
It wasn’t because I hadn’t given it to him yet so it was my toy. Plus he isn’t going to even remember it.
I got done with wrapping and put it in my room and put the wrapping paper in the corner of the dining room and put the tape and scissors away.
I changed out of my nappy and into a clean one and came back downstairs. I got Tristian out of his chair and I made myself wipe it clean. It took effort.
After I got done cleaning the chair, I got my Shopkins set and opened the box. I took everything out and put it together.
I got done with the Shopkins Bakery set and I took it up to my room to keep it safe. I now had the Veggie Stand, the checkout stand, a trolley with a shelf, Fashion Boutique, the Burger Bistro, and Baby Shop Set.
Anna never called me back about my job so I never called her back. There was always Monday and I didn’t like making phone calls anyway. It felt weird not going to work and they were still talking about the bombing. Christina watched it on TV when she was back home and told me again how lucky I was to not be there when it happened and I had barely missed it.
“I wasn’t even close to the place,” I said.
“If you weren’t running late, you would have been there,” she said.
Sidney and I were very lucky. But I felt sorry for her because she didn’t have a good income like I did. Her husband didn’t make a lot of money like mine did so I was lucky to have a great guy who made good money even though we are not rich but he makes enough to cover all our expensive plus my nappies NHS doesn’t cover but they cover Tena and the wipes and rash cream because of my medical condition. Daddy will buy me a case of AB nappies and I use them for at night with a booster in them. NHS also gives me boosters because I asked for them. Sometimes I wear AB diapers in the day time and I would do it 24/7 but I don’t want Steven to spend all that money on them for me to use them 24/7 and I would end up with extra nappies anyway if I didn’t use my Tenas and I would have to give them away because there would be too many.
Daddy came home with a surprise and he had gotten me a Shopkin set when he stopped at a store. He didn’t get Tristian anything because babies don’t even notice these things. Daddy gave me mine and sat down with his phone.
“I got Tristian a present,” I said.
“I got him one too,” said Daddy.
“When?” I asked.
“When I got your Shopkins.”
“Oh I guess I wasted money then and that is more junk in our house,” I said.
“No it wasn’t a waste, he will get two presents from us now,” said Daddy.
I opened my Shopkins and threw the packaging away and put my little ones upstairs in my room with the rest.
I played my 3DS and did the Badge Arcade and then I did the Pokemon Picross game. Then I had 999 Picrites after I got done with daily challenge and I wondered if I could go up higher. I wouldn’t find out until tomorrow and then I will delete the game.
Landon came over as we were all eating dinner. We didn’t see his mother because he came with his bag for the weekend and he had came here all by himself because he took the underground and then the bus and his mum had dropped him off somewhere and he took the rest here on his own. He just walked right in our house and set his stuff down and Daddy offered him some food.
I couldn’t believe how big Landon had gotten because I could remember him being just a little boy and he was still in Primary school when I moved here and now he was already in his last year of high school. Here everyone starts a year early and there are only eleven years instead of twelve and they finish school at 16 instead of at 18 and then kids go to university at 16 instead of at 18. But they can still go to school for another two more years but they are not required to go.
Landon was also taller than me and he looked very much like a man now and his voice had changed and he was growing facial hair and body hair.
Landon ate and I got done eating and went back on my computer.
After Landon was done eating, he asked me if I wanted to do a quick video game with him.
I put my computer aside and Landon looked at the games I had. He picked out Super Smash Bros and he put it in the system.
“Are you going to get the Switch?” he asked.
I knew he meant the new Nintendo game system that had just come out.
“No,” I said.
“No? Why not?”
He sounded surprised.
“I don’t play video games much anymore, I mostly play on my phone now,” I said. “I also don’t play my game console very much so I don’t need the Switch.”
“It’s going to be a both handheld console and a TV console.”
“I still don’t play much video games, I don’t even play lot of mine anymore,” I said.
Landon and I played a couple rounds and then Daddy called me to help him with Tristian because he was dirty and he was going to clean the chair while I clean him up. I finished the round with Landon and then I brought him upstairs to the bathroom. I striped him and got the water running and I put him in the tub and started washing him.
He cried and I ignored it and after I was done cleaning him up and washing his hair again, I dried him off and put a clean nappy on him and got him dressed in his pajamas. Then I brought him back downstairs and just held him.
Landon had moved onto another game so I didn’t play again and I didn’t feel like it anyway. He was playing one of the games from the WiiU shop. Then he exited it and decided to play Super Mario World.
Christina cleaned the kitchen again and so did Steven. I could hear the water running and the dishes clanging. Then Steven came out and took Tristian with him upstairs so I would have a break since I had taken care of him all day.
“Hey let’s see what’s playing,” said Christina.
Landon turned the game off and the WiiU and Christina started to browse what we had On Demand. She browsed the movies and then she asked “Anyone feel for a Holocaust movie?”
I saw she had Schindler’s List highlighted. No one answered and she kept on browsing.
“The Boy in Striped Pajamas,” Landon read.
“No too sad,” said Christina.
“Did you know some people don’t believe in the Holocaust and they think it’s a conspiracy Jewish people created-“ Landon began but Christina interrupted him.
“Yeah it makes me so angry I had to cut someone out of my life because she was a racist and a xenophobic and then she started telling me about this and that was it, I was done so I faded out of her life.”
“They should make that all illegal,” said Landon.
“Yeah no kidding, they should.”
“Then wouldn’t that violate freedom of speech?” I asked.
“That’s not freedom of speech, it’s hatred and it hurts people. We can’t yell fire in a middle of the crowd and we can’t just burn a cross in someone’s yard or go slandering someone by spread false information about them so how is this any different? Several European countries have already outlawed public Holocaust denial but we haven’t yet. Even Germany has a law against it too. Pretty much all the countries that were invaded by Hitler and Nazis have outlawed it.”
“But if we allow people to express it, then we get to see what kind of people they are,” I said.
“People should not be allowed to be Nazis or express hate towards other groups, how would you feel if people started to protest that incontinent people are sick and dirty people and bad for the environment because they throw their nappies all over the place such as in streets and fields.”
“That’s not true about people with it,” I said. “Those who do it are lazy and have no respect for the environment and anyone can throw their trash all over rather it be baby nappies or food wrappers-”
“I know that but people find any justifications for their hatred towards groups like there was a recent bombing, ‘oh Muslims are so bad, we hate them so they all must be departed out of our country and get sent back to Islam countries so they will stop terrorizing us.’ So any Muslim they see they hate and treat badly or even harass because of their heritage or I get a patient and then get a unfair complaint saying they felt threatened by me because I am Indian and come from a Muslim heritage.”
“I didn’t know you were Muslim,” I said.
“It’s been in my family but I just don’t follow it but it’s still in my family. Look at me, I am a nurse, I have two children, I drive, I live in a house, there is no terrorist group I am in, and look at what I have on? Do I look Muslim?”
“You look normal,” I said.
“Exactly but because of my skin color, I must be a terrorist and have joined the group even though I have on my nurse uniform and have a ponytail.”
“Did someone actually complain about you at work?” I asked.
“Yes they did and I was so upset about it. But that was while ago, not something recent.”
“But how did they know you were Muslim?” I asked.
“I don’t see myself as Muslim, it’s in me yes but I don’t follow it. No one in my family follows it but I have had relatives who do back in India or my mom’s family followed it and she doesn’t do it anymore. But none of us have ever been terrorists and we have never harmed anyone or our families.”
“But how did they know it was in your family?” I asked.
“They didn’t, it was because of my skin color so they felt threatened by me when all I did was check their temperature and pulse and their breathing and their heart and their ears and they reported me.”
“And what happened?”
“They added in a policy about who they prefer to see what race and gender and stuff so they are now careful about who they assign and I think it’s bullshit. If someone feels so uncomfortable because of their skin color and choose to make assumptions about their background, they shouldn’t even go there and should go somewhere else.”
“Who was this person?” Landon asked.
“I am not allowed to give out any details about any of my patients even former ones.”
“How long ago was it when it happened?” I asked.
“Around the time you got this house,” Christina replied.
So 2012 then it was.
“Sorry that happened, it must have been awful,” said Landon.
“Good thing you didn’t lose your job,” I said.
“They can’t fire you over your skin color or your background,” said Christina.
Bigots make me so angry and I never understood racism anyway, it’s so stupid to make an assumption about a whole group of people based on something a person did or some people that can be found in anyone.
“Now you know why this is not freedom of speech and why this hurts people,” Christina finished. Then she sniffled.
She kept browsing and finally she picked on a movie.
“I don’t want to watch it,” said Alexis.
“Then don’t,” said Christina.
I had no idea what movie she picked.
The movie started and I kept reading on my computer.
Then I saw the title on the screen and it said The Giver.
I read that book when I was a teenager and I hated it because of how they had society and they killed anyone who wasn’t perfect and they killed off the elderly and they called it release and would give them a lethal injection in the arm. For infants they did it in the forehead. They also controlled population so they only had a fifty set of babies born each year and they would be given to parents and whoever had twins, the lightest ones would be released. I couldn’t imagine living in a world where a partner is assigned to you and your career and your children and you don’t get to pick your life, they pick it for you and I know they would have released me because of my disability. They would have found me useless and release me. It made me think of genocide but at least they didn’t torture anyone to death. I will never forget when I learned about concentration camps and what they did to the people in them. I never understood it and why they treated people that way. It was a death camp and they were treated worse than animals and they didn’t even consider them human, only as numbers.
Christina watched part of the movie and turned it off because Landon wanted to go to bed. I had to move upstairs to my room and Steven wasn’t in here because he was in Tristian’s bedroom probably working. Christina made Haley and Alexis go to bed because she had to get up for work the next day.
My nappy needed to be changed so I got Steven. Tristian was sleeping in his cot.
I walked over to Steven and said “I need changed.”
“Mmmmm,” he said.
He got off his computer.
“Get on the bed little girl,” he said.
I went back to our room and laid down and he came in after me. He got my stuff for changing me and he put the changing pad down and put me on top of it. He lifted me up and put me on it. Then he took off my trousers and unfolded my clean nappy and put the booster inside and undid the tabs on mine. Then he pulled out a wipe and started wiping me down there. Then he lifted my legs and got my buttocks. Then he took my wet nappy away and put the clean one under me and he put rash cream on down there and rubbed it around. Then he put the clean nappy on me and got my pajamas on. Then he threw away my used nappy and washed his hands. Then he went back to Tristian’s bedroom while I did my computer some more and watched youtube on my phone at the same time.
Around one, Steven came in the bedroom and got his pajamas on leaving his clothes on the floor. He never throws them in the right spot and I never say anything and I just pick them up when I clean and put them with the dirty linen. Men. It’s something he has been doing anyway in my life time since we have been together and I asked him why he does it and he shrugged and said it’s what he has always done and he never thinks about putting them anywhere else. I knew if I was going to be with this guy, I would be picking up some extra clothes. I always toss mine aside in certain spots and Steven just leaves them in the middle of the floor. But in the morning, his pajamas are always laying on the bathroom floor and I just push them aside or toss them out of the bathroom if I use it to clean up my mess when I poop. I asked him how Taffie felt about this and he said she got used to it when she couldn’t break him out of his dressing routine, women.
Steven crawled into bed and asked me if I wanted to lay with him. I got off my computer and laid down with him and he turned off the lamp and started rubbing my back. I laid under the covers and enjoyed the nice feeling of him rubbing me. He had his body against mine and I asked him “Do you miss my cot?”
“Not really, do you?”
“Sometimes,” I said.
“We can always take it out again but then how would we explain to Tristian why you get to sleep in it and he doesn’t.”
“Keep our door locked,” I said.
“Everyone saw the bed, even Landon saw it. We will keep forgetting to keep the door locked and our son will see it soon and it might make it harder for him to not sleep in his.”
“But what if he wanted a big boy bed because he didn’t like the bars around his bed?” I asked. “Plus he will notice how easier it is to get out of bed.”
“But he will see his mummy sleeping in it and think it’s normal.”
“And he will see everyone else sleeping in regular beds,” I pointed out.
“So are you saying you want your other bed back?” Daddy asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I just remember sleeping in it and how relaxing it was.”
“I like this better because it’s a lot easier getting to you and it’s easier to get out of bed than climbing over those bars and it’s a lot easier to change you on this bed than it is in the other one.”
Daddy kept on rubbing me and I felt tired and I felt like I was getting knocked out because of the way my body felt.
“Natalia?”
“Mmmm?” I asked.
“Oh, you fell asleep for a minute.”
“I have been awake this whole time feeling your back rub,” I said.
“You were snoring.”
“Oh, I didn’t see myself fall asleep because I felt your hand the whole time.”
“You were snoring Natalia.”
I kept my eyes closed enjoying the hand on my back and my head. He stroked my hair and I could hear him breathing.
Next thing I knew, I felt my nappy getting filled with fresh poop and there was a little farting sound and I heard my nappy expand from the plastic. I must have fallen asleep here because I woke up to this feeling. I didn’t say anything about my accident.
“Oooo my baby girl did a poopy in her nappy,” Daddy said. “Natalia? Natalia?”
I refused to answer because I wanted to sleep and I wanted him to think I was sleeping. I knew if I answered, he would want to change me.
Then he reached his hand down further and felt my nappy. He pressed his hand on my butt and felt the poop inside. Then he stopped and he also stopped rubbing me and I heard him flip over.
I couldn’t tell him to keep rubbing me or he would know I was awake and think I had woken up and he would tell me I had pooped in my sleep and then change me. I remember when we were first together, it was in the middle of the night and I had pooped and he was awake and so was I and I thought he was joking when he said he was going to change me. But no he turned on the lamp and started changing me and I just kept my eyes closed while he was cleaning me up and had my legs in the air and it was chilly because I didn’t have covers over me and the room felt cold and the wipes were cold. He even gave me a dummy while he changed me because I complained how cold the room was and he said he would be a bad daddy if he kept me in my messy nappy and I got an infection. Real dads don’t leave their babies messy so he would be a bad daddy if he did that to me. Plus he said I said I wanted to be treated like a baby girl so he is treating me like one and this is what happens to babies when they poop in the middle of the night and they cry because it’s cold while getting their nappy changed. But luckily I don’t poop in my nappies often at night. They usually happen in the day or in the evening.
I fell asleep in my messy nappy.
I woke up and my nappy was really wet and I remembered I had pooped in it and pretended to have fallen asleep. It was very smelly under the covers. Steven was still sleeping beside me. I started wetting my nappy again and I heard a hissing sound. The nappy felt wetter and it felt like there was a puddle. It kept going and then it finished and I felt my nappy and it had leaked because of the poop. I got out of bed and got a clean nappy and went in the bathroom. I took off my pajamas and my nappy and it was so messy I decided to just wash it all off in the tub.
Some poop pee leaked on the floor while I threw my nappy away and was getting in the tub. I turned on the water and waited for it to warm up and washed it all off and I used soap. The water under me was all brown from the poop.
After I got it all off, I dried off and picked up the clean nappy and put it on. I cleaned up my poop pee on the floor and tossed the towel aside and threw my pajamas on my bed and got the rash cream and put it on me inside my nappy and I wiped my fingers off with a wipe. I got my pajamas back on and my socks and got on my computer.
I read the forums and then Tristian woke up so I went in his room and brought him back and nursed him as I still looked on the computer. I looked at his beautiful blonde hair but he still look bald because he didn’t have a lot of hair yet.
* * *
Christina and Daddy were watching the news again about the terrorists attacks in Canningham. They talked about deaths and there were still police on the site and other firemen. I was reminded again of being stuck on the train and how I no longer had my job. I was so glad to be alive.
“Imagine if you were there and the whole place blew up?” Landon asked me. “Boom,” he clapped his hands.
“Did you think I was dead when you heard about this?” I asked.
“Yeah, I told my Mum ‘that is where Natale works’ and she hoped it didn’t happen when you were at work but I told her the time it happened and she thought you were gone so she called Dad and told him what was on the news.”
“Does she know I am alive now?” I asked.
“I don’t think so.”
“Why hasn’t anyone told her yet?” I asked.
“I don’t know, I didn’t know you were still alive until I got here. Dad forgets and my Mum says that is why they are ex’s. Does he ever forget your birthdays?”
“No,” I said.
“He always forgot my mum’s so he always got her a late present and took her out late and she got tired of it.”
“I forget your father’s birthday so they’re both even,” I joked.
I really have forgotten his birthday several times and he has forgiven me every time so I also have gotten him a late gift.
“Is it weird how he remembers my birthday but always forgot your mother’s?” I asked.
“Guys, I want to hear this,” said Daddy. “Talk out there or upstairs,” he pointed.
Haley and Alexis were playing quietly and Tristian was looking at some magazines. He was just playing with one of them and flipping the pages and looking at the front cover.
Soon they were done watching the news and I said to Daddy. “You always forgot Taffie’s, no wonder she was always mad at you,” I joked. “You bad husband.”
“You forget my birthdays and I don’t get mad at you,” said Daddy.
“I was joking,” I said.
People usually miss my jokes so I always make sure I smile when I say it and laugh and say it in a playful tone but Daddy didn’t pick up on it.
“Okay I didn’t know,” said Daddy.
Tomorrow was going to be Tristian’s first birthday. I was so excited. I wrapped Daddy’s present for him and put it in his room. Christina showed me what she had gotten Tristian and she also had it stashed in her room but hadn’t wrapped it yet. She said she was going to do it tomorrow. It was a nice present she had gotten him and it was some stacking toy with little stuff inside the cubes.
Landon and I went for a walk later with Tristian. I pushed him in his pushchair while we walked. We were walking on Parkland Rd. when I noticed this little boy again outside not properly dressed and he was on the driveway and he was holding a plastic bag. He was looking down on the driveway and moving around.
I swear he is being abused because of how he is always dressed and the ridiculous “chores” he has. I have seen him using a paint brush on the driveway and he wasn’t even painting, I have seen him pouring water on their flowers using a tiny water pistol and I have talked to him several times and he always tells me he is just playing or he just wanted to be outside and he didn’t like wearing coats or jackets or hats or gloves. I once gave him a little snack and he snarfed it down so fast. I would talk to the mother or the father but I am too shy. I hate that part of myself. I wish I can just talk to anyone without thinking I might be doing something wrong or coming off wrong or even creepy.
“Oh my gosh, look at that again,” I pointed.
Landon looked.
“What?”
“Him, I always see him outside from time to time doing ridiculous chores and not dressed appropriately for the weather it makes me think he is being abused,” I said.
“That’s silly, why would you think that if he is just outside playing and not wearing a jacket?” Landon asked.
“Because I have read many stories about child abuse and that is one of the signs.”
Landon laughed. “You have strange thoughts.”
“But look at how he is dressed?” I pointed out.
“So.”
The kid had on worn clothes and they were dirty and basically rags he looked homeless. That was another sign of abuse.
I pushed the pushchair towards the child.
“Where are you going?” Landon asked.
I ignored him. I kept walking towards the house. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a snack bar. I always took something with whenever I go for my walks and I walk on this street on purpose to see if he is outside and I always give him something to eat and even talk to him.
“Hey,” I said. “What are you doing this time?”
“Looking for tiny dirt,” he said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I want to, is that a problem?”
“No,” I said. “You’re out here again in this cold weather and you’re wearing shorts and a t shirt and you’re dirty. When did you last have a bath?”
“None of your business,” he said.
I ignored his unfriendly attitude.
“Well I have this here,” I showed him my snack bar. “You can have it if you want and I will just leave it over here.”
I put the snack bar down on the brick wall that outlined their driveway.
“Have a nice day,” I said and I left.
“He doesn’t seem to like you, do you annoy him that often?” Landon asked as we started walking again.
“I think he is just trying to scare me off because he used to be friendly with me,” I said. “But I am sure he appreciates that I am paying attention to him and talking to him. That is what he needs so he knows someone at least still cares about him.”
“If you believe he is being abused, why don’t you call social services?”
“Because what if I am wrong?” I said. “I don’t want to get an innocent family in trouble and what if I am right and they found nothing wrong, I could make it worse.”
“Oh he is eating it, wow he ate it so fast,” said Landon.
I turned around and sure enough, the kid was eating it so fast as if he was in a contest.
“You might be right Natalie,” said Landon. “How long have you been seeing this happening?”
“Since last summer,” I said. “I just sneak food over to him and I have been talking to him and I have joined in on his crazy chores but he has never said anything about any abuse. I don’t expect him too because abused children never tell.”
“Do you know the parents?”
“No.”
“You should try and be friends with them and see how they treat their boy.”
“But how?”
“Well you have Haley and Alexis, maybe try and invite him over to play. Introduce the parents to you and my dad and Christina. Hey let’s turn around.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Let’s just turn around. You’ll see.”
We were walking back and then we were walking by the house again and this time the boy was gone.
“Do you even know his name?” Landon asked.
“No,” I said.
“You have known him that long and you never learned his name? You really are strange.”
“Well he never told me,” I said.
Landon told me to turn on their drive way.
“Why?” I asked again.
“You’ll see.”
We were right in front of the door when Landon rang their door bell.
I wondered what he was doing.
The door answered and there was a mother holding a cigarette.
“Can I help you?” she asked sounding friendly.
“Yeah we are your neighbors and we live all the way over on Trever Drive,” said Landon pointing, “and we were just wondering if your son who was out here earlier would ever like to come to our house sometime and play with her cousins kids and by the way we are having a party for her son tomorrow who is turning one so I am wondering if you guys would like to come, and in fact you can come over right now and meet my dad who is married to her and her cousin and her kids,” said Landon. “I’m Landon and this is Natalie and this is her son Tristian. Natalie is my step mother.”
“Yeah I have been seeing her talking to my son before and giving him food,” said the mother.
“I think he is a great boy and it’s a shame he never dresses right for the weather,” I said. “And he seems to never eat either.”
I was bluffing but I was trying to play dumb like I didn’t notice a thing.
The mother also had the door closed behind her so we wouldn’t see inside the house. She was also chubby and I could hear her other kids playing inside. I wondered where her son was.
“Well if you are interested in coming, the party starts at four,” said Landon.
“Sure,” said the mother.
Landon then pulled my arm and started to walk away. I walked away with him and the mother closed the door behind us.
“Do you think they are actually going to come?” I asked.
“It’s a start. See Natalie, just start inviting her over for tea and invite her kids over to play.”
I felt nervous about it. What would I do with her?
“I don’t know what we would be doing together,” I said.
“You talk and you will get to know her and you will know for sure there is abuse.”
“They hide it well you know,” I said. “Even the kids hide it too and they can act happy when they are having a happy time.”
“Are you sure?”
“Don’t you know anything about child abuse, read the books by those who have been abused,” I said. “We have Kindle Unlimited so I can give you dad’s password and his email to it so you can read books for free that is part of Kindle Unlimited. There are a bunch of child abuse books on there written by survivors. You’d be surprised how people don’t notice it and how they don’t bat an eye because the abusers always make excuses and people buy them. You might have had a kid in your school who smelled or stunk badly and always wore a dirty uniform, they could have been an abused child and you wouldn’t even know it or that kid who has stolen food out of your lunchbox and other kids too, or that kid who bullies and picks on other kids and acts out and is violent. I once had a boy in my class who was always mean to kids and to me and none of us liked him and he always had scratches and bruises and we just thought he was a clumsy kid and he also smelled and it turned out he was an abused child.”
“Wow, I really hope you’re right about all this,” said Landon.
“It always worries me that is what is going on,” I said.
“Have you ever talked to anyone about your concern?”
“I did to your dad once but he didn’t think it was anything.”
“Oh boy. Well just take my advice, it’s a start.”
We didn’t say anything else about the little boy and his mother.
When we got back, I took Tristian out of his pushchair and took off my coat and shoes.
“I invited a family to come over for the party if you don’t mind,” said Landon to Daddy
“Who is it if you don’t mind?” he asked.
“Just a family that lives on the other block from here, Natalie only knows their son and has been talking to him and giving him food.”
“Is that the boy you think who has been getting abused?” Daddy asked me.
“Yes,” I said.
“Natalia, you need to stay out other peoples businesses and mind your own.”
“No it is our business, it’s everyones business,” I said. “If a kid is being abused, everyone should butt in and if no one does, then the kid will think no one cares about them and that won’t help with their self esteem at all because they will really think no one likes them and their abuser is right about them.”
“He even ate his snack bar really fast like he hadn’t eaten in weeks,” said Landon. “Plus he is really skinny.”
“And his clothes are dirty and he looks like a bum,” I said.
“Then call social services if you are that concerned,” said Daddy.
“But Natalie thinks she might make it worse if she does,” said Landon.
“I just don’t want any trouble,” said Daddy.
“Not if we be their friends and act like nothing is happening,” said Landon.
“Okay fine, they can come over, I will just make sure we have enough food.”
That was the end of the conversation.
Haley and Alexis were outplaying the in the garden.
They had on winter coats and boots and were just outside playing.
Landon went outside.
“Hey Haley and Alexis, do you want to try playing at someone’s house?”
They looked up.
“Who’s house?” Haley asked.
“Well a family, I will show you them. They have kids,” Landon replied. “Natalie will take you there.”
“Who are they?” Alexis asked.
“Natalie never got their names but she will this time,” said Landon. “Let’s all go together.”
Haley and Alexis agreed and I had to get my stuff back on. Daddy was back upstairs and Landon told him where we were all going.
“No, keep them here, I don’t want any trouble,” said Daddy.
“They’re just going to play with their kids,” said Landon. “What kind of trouble will there be?”
“I don’t know, I just don’t want to make them mad.”
“If they are not home or don’t want their kids playing, we’ll come home,” said Landon.
“Okay, come home if they say no and do not leave them there alone because we don’t know these people,” said Daddy.
Landon came back downstairs.
We left and went back to their house.
We went up to the door and Haley said “I hear screaming inside.”
I finally noticed a lady’s voice and she was shouting.
I imagined she was doing it to that boy and hurting him.
Landon rang the doorbell and right away the screaming stopped.
The mother answered it again.
“What do you want?”
This time she didn’t sound very friendly. I wondered why? I bet it was because we had interrupted her and her son had a break from her abuse.
“Can your children play, these are Haley and Alexis here her cousin’s kids, and they want someone to play with,” said Landon.
“Really?” the Mum asked.
“Yes, they need some friends,” said Landon.
“Well mine can play except for the boy because he has been bad so he must stay here.”
The boy? Did she just called him ‘the boy?’ Oh that nerve of her. She didn’t even address him as her son or even by his name.
“We can take care of him for you and what would you like us to do with him?” Landon asked.
“He is a very aggressive boy and you would not want him, he has gotten into mischief before at other peoples houses when things don’t go his way and he has hurt other children before and broken stuff.”
For some reason I did not believe her. He was none of those things when I talked to him.
“Well okay, we will be waiting for your kids,” said Landon.
The mother shut the door in our face.
“She is so impolite,” said Landon.
“Why is she mean?” Haley asked.
“Some people are,” I said.
I didn’t know why there were mean people in the world or why some are mean to their kids on purpose.
“Did you just hear what she called her son?” I asked.
“Yeah, the boy,” said Landon. “I have never seen a parent address their kid that way. Geez Natalie, you and your weird stuff you always read but then you know how to spot these things.”
“That is what the books are for,” I said. “To help spread awareness and so people know the signs and what to look for.”
“Yah but don’t you think they would just hide it more?”
“Yeah sadly. It’s unfortunate.”
Then the door opened again and three kids walked outside. It was two girls and a boy and they all looked younger and older than the boy. The boy looked older but the girls looked younger and the mother didn’t even introduce her kids to us. Instead she only shut the door right when they came outside and she didn’t even tell us what the rules were for her children and when she wanted them back by. It was like she was happy to get rid of them.
“Where is your brother?” Landon asked.
“He was bad so Mummy says he couldn’t come out,” said the youngest girl.
“What did he do that was so naughty?”
“I don’t know, Mum says he was just bad and did something wrong but we never know what he does wrong.”
“And we’re not allowed to talk about him,” said the oldest.
I didn’t ask any questions. Of course they wouldn’t be allowed to talk about him or else she would get caught.
We went to my house and went inside.
“Take off your shoes,” I said.
They took off their shoes.
“Did your mother give you any rules before coming here because she didn’t tell us anything like what rules she has for you guys like if you are allowed to watch TV or what time you need to be home by?” I asked.
“She told us to just be home before dark,” said the middle child.
“Okay, I need to know your names because it feels funny having you here and not know what your names are,” I said.
“I’m Aimee,” said the youngest.
“I’m Jennifer,” said the middle one.
“I’m Seth,” said the oldest.
“And what is your brother’s name?” Landon asked.
“Shithead,” said Aimee.
“What?” Landon asked.
“Really?” I asked.
“It’s the boy,” said Jennifer.
“No his name is Jason when he goes to school,” said Seth.
“I used to have a boyfriend named Jason,” I said.
“So what are you kids allowed to do at home?” Landon asked.
“We watch TV, we play,” said Jennifer.
“But is there anything you guys aren’t allowed to do?”
“Not talk to our brother or even play with him or pay any attention to him,” said Jennifer.
“Why is that?”
“We’re not allowed to talk about him. He is very bad.”
“Okay, I think I have heard enough so you kids go play but the rules are no throwing things in the house, stay out of Christina and Natalie’s room, you know the indoor rules,” said Landon.
The kids started to play. They looked at what we had and Jennifer, Seth, and Aimee took off their coats and threw them on the chairs.
“Hey let’s go to our room,” said Haley and all the kids left.
“Wow, sorry I said you have weird thoughts,” said Landon.
“It’s fine,” I said. “I wasn’t offended, your father tells me that all the time.”
“How could she get away with this?” Landon asked.
“Yeah with their big mouths, look at what information they had revealed to us,” I said. “I wonder how abusers get away with it for so many years if their kids have mouths you know.”
“I know.”
“But I wouldn’t let the mum know what her kids told us or else she might cut us out of their life and we might never see Jason outside again and before you know it, their house is empty.”
Then Daddy came downstairs with Tristian. “He wants your boob.”
He handed him to me and Landon said to his dad, “Dad I need to talk to you.”
“What is it?” Daddy asked.
Landon led him out of the room.
It must be a private talk and I bet it was about Jason.
I took Tristian up to my room and sat down at my computer and started nursing.
I thought about his birthday and looked forward to tomorrow. I read online and it kept my mind off Jason. I always distract myself with other things to forget about Jason. It also kept my mind off the recent terrorist bombing and my loss of job.
I heard a little conflict between Landon and his dad and him saying again “I don’t want to start trouble.”
I ignored it their argument. I felt like I had dragged Landon into this because I had chosen to go on that street. But at least I had someone on my side and a witness and someone to confirm my suspicion so I didn’t look crazy. I also knew what Daddy meant by us starting trouble. We didn’t even know what the Mum was capable of like we could make it worse for Jason or she makes up a story about us and gets us into trouble and who knows what she could do to us. No wonder so many people don’t call social services or why they ignore it and stay out of it. They are afraid of trouble. But I didn’t feel afraid. I was only afraid of making it worse for Jason. I had hoped I didn’t make it worse for him. I noticed how unfriendly he had gotten with me lately but I figure his Mum has something to do with it so I keep my distance but still give him attention. It would be nice if all neighbors did that.
Then Aimee, Jennifer, and Seth soon had to go home so I walked them home. My excuse was I was hoping to see Jason and maybe talk to their Mum more. It was raining out so I just drove them home the two blocks and I parked in front of their house. I got out with them and they went right in their house. I went inside with them and I was hoping to catch the mother in something but sadly I didn’t. Jason was nowhere to be seen.
“Your kids sure had fun,” I said. “I would like them to come back and you can come over too and bring the boy.”
OMG I couldn’t believe I had just called him that but I couldn’t call him Jason or else the Mum would know her kids had talked about him.
“You have no idea,” she said.
“Well he hasn’t been any of those things you claim when I would see him outside,” I said.
“He is very manipulative and puts on an act,” she said.
“I see,” I said. “Well I have handled bad behavior before and known some bad kids so I am sure your son can’t be any worse.”
Of course I was bluffing. Here I was lying and Daddy says I can’t even tell a lie but here I was lying.
“Well you guys are all still invited to come to my house at four for my son’s party,” I said. “I would like to have the boy there too and if he is bad, you can always do your thing with him what you do here.”
I doubt she would do anything to her son in front of us.
“Why are you so interested in my son? Is it because you lost your own?”
“Oh you must have heard about it from people,” I said. “No it’s not because I lost my own. I have my own already, he is turning one. It’s just that your son is so lonely and always outside and never dresses right for the weather and he is dirty and never bathes and he is so skinny.”
“Look lady, I know what you are thinking and you aren’t the first one, we will just move again,” the mother snapped. “Whatever that child has been telling you is all lies. He is manipulative and will make claims about what we do to him that are not true. He has gotten people to harass us.”
“Okay,” I said.
That explained why they moved here. And I had blown my cover. I was a bad liar. I looked at her home and it was a mess and barely clean. Their outside of the home was a mess too because it looked rundown because they had grass growing in between the cracks on their driveway and they had weeds in their flowers and the inside of the home smelled like smoke. I felt sorry for their kids.
“Well I gotta go, you guys are still invited to come, the party starts at four,” I said. “Also give your kid therapy for his lies. When children lie like that, it means they have a problem.”
I left and headed home.
I had doubts the kid was lying and the mother was just full of it. Also I knew if I called social services now, she would know it’s me. But I was worried about Jason. Now I had bets that she would start being nice to her son now and treating him like her real son. At least I gave him a normal life briefly. So calling them would be pointless now because they show up and the whole family is normal and so is Jason and he lies to the social worker and tells them how great his Mum is and how she has never done anything to him and he has never been starved or worn dirty clothes or made to go outside without any coat or sweater on or long pants or made to do “chores.” Then I look like the liar. Abusers are so good no wonder people don’t butt in and why Daddy said he didn’t want trouble. There was nothing I could do either but be nice to him and give him attention and always welcome him in my home. That was the best I could do. I decided to not call social services.
I laid all night in bed thinking about Jason. I also thought about the terrorist attack and how lucky I was to be alive and how forgetting my phone made me miss the bombing. I also had realized my family back in the States might have heard of this because I saw it posted online too on Reddit, Facebook, and on Wrongplanet and it was even in the US news. Any terrorist attack goes worldwide so I bet my Mum and my relatives and my siblings were worried about me thinking I was dead. At least Dad knew I was alive and I wondered if he had told them I was okay. Yeah they would know I was alive because I posted on my Facebook after the bombing and I have my Mum on there and my aunts and my brothers and sister and my cousins but not all of them. I wasn’t close to my whole family anyway or to my Dad’s. I am fine with having them as Facebook friends and seeing them that way.
Well hopefully Jason had a break now from the abuse but only briefly. I was not going to be surprised if I find the house empty again.
Chapter 5
I woke up the next day and I was so excited for Tristian’s birthday today. I don’t know why I was excited for my child when it was his birthday but not mine but I wanted cake is why. That was all I cared about.
My nappy was soaked again and it smelled strongly like urine again. I rubbed it. I liked the squishy feeling around my bottom. Daddy was still sleeping. He laid on his tummy with both his arms down.
I laid in bed and then got out of bed. I didn’t change right away. I got on my computer and read the forums again. I also checked on my Facebook. I read the comments and my relatives and some Facebook friends were all glad I was still alive. Even Rosie wrote I had my Mum worried but she was so happy to hear I was stuck on the train.
I wrote on Adisc and Dailydiapers in a short sentence “when in an emergency situation, it’s okay to publicly urinate but it’s not okay to publicly change your diaper.” Then I wrote under it “at least that got me off the train sooner but I had to spend the night in a psychiatric ward.” I had the thread titled Double Standards.
Then soon I heard Tristian up and I stayed in my chair unless he starts crying and doesn’t stop. He made cute baby sounds and I heard him playing with his crib toys.
I was reading on Reddit when he started to fuss and then wouldn’t stop crying. Daddy woke up.
“Honey, our baby is crying,” he said.
“I know, I just want to see if he stops,” I said.
I must have not done it quick enough because Daddy got out of bed and went in Tristian’s room and got him out of his cot. He brought him back to our room and gave him to me. Tristian started nursing on my boob after I pulled it out. Daddy went to the bathroom and flushed the toilet and went back to bed.
I wet my nappy again and it felt even wetter.
After Tristian got done nursing, I let him on the floor to play. He walked to Daddy’s bed and started making sounds at him. He couldn’t even climb up on the bed so he was pulling on the covers and then he started to cry.
Daddy turned over and picked him up and laid him down next to him. Tristian still cried and tried to get him. Daddy let go of him and Tristian crawled all over him.
Then Daddy got up.
“You’re up now?” I asked.
“I can’t get back to sleep. He woke me up.”
“I need changed,” I said.
“Okay, get on the bed then.”
I got out of my chair and my nappy was soaked and so were the back of my pajamas. Daddy put the changing pad on the bed and got my clean nappy and changing supplies.
Daddy put Tristian on the floor and I laid on the pad. Daddy pulled down my pajamas and took them off and tossed them on the floor. He undid my nappy and took out a wipe and started cleaning me up. Then he lifted my legs up and wiped my bottom.
“You need to drink more water,” he said. “Your nappy is very yellow and it should be white or light yellow.”
“But I peed a lot,” I said.
“But you’re dehydrated. You need to drink more water.”
Daddy kept wiping me and it felt so good. Then he took the nappy away and showed me how yellow it was. He held it with two hands and I saw some blood in it from my time of the month. I had a IUD in me so I didn’t get my period much anymore so I only got spotting sometimes. I don’t get period cramps anymore so no more Tylenol for it or any other over the counter pain medicine. Rarely I will get cramping but that has only happened about twice.
Daddy rolled the wet nappy up and put it on the floor. Then he put the clean nappy under me and put rash cream on and rubbed it in the nappy and put it on me.
“Now it’s your turn to change a nappy,” he said. “I just changed one.”
Daddy threw it away in the bathroom and washed his hands. Then he stayed in there to shave and brush his teeth and do mouthwash and even shower.
When he came out he was wrapped in a towel and his hair was wet. He took the towel off and I saw his penis. It was tucked in his scrotum. He got dressed leaving his towel hanging on the knob of our wardrobe. He combed his hair and left our bedroom. Tristian walked over to the towel and pulled it down.
I looked on my computer again and read posts online while Tristian played. He then crawled into the bathroom so I had to get up and pull him out of there and shut the door. I smelled poop from him and decided to change him. I took him to his room and changed his nappy and brought him back to my room and closed the door again. He nursed again and then was back to playing again.
The day went on as normal and I went on Parkland Rd again. I didn’t see Jason in front of his house again. The car was still sitting on their driveway so that was a good sign. I wondered if they were still going to come to the party. I imagined Jason would probably look normal and he will eat and he will act happy and the parents will act happy and so would the siblings and they would be acting like a normal family. I felt anxious walking up to their door again and ringing their doorbell. What was I going to say to them? “Can you come to my house and hang out?” “Can your kids come over again to play?” That would look creepy. What does an adult do to interact with another adult? How do they find friends? As a kid it’s a lot easier making them because it’s socially acceptable to just walk up to them and say “Hi my name is Natalie, can I play?” or go to their house and ring their doorbell and ask “Can (their name) play?” No wonder no one noticed my social issues until my preteens. I walked back home and Daddy had asked me where I went.
“I went by that house again to see what was going on and the boy wasn’t outside again and their car is still on the drive way,” I said. “I wanted to visit but I was too shy.”
“At least you invited them here.”
“I wonder if they will even come.”
“We’ll find out will we?”
Daddy made no effort to help me here and I was too shy to even ask for it. I feared embarrassing myself. I hate social anxiety but at least it keeps me from being inappropriate and it makes me make less social mistakes.
“I need your help in the kitchen,” said Daddy. “Landon, come help me too.”
We went in the kitchen and Daddy got out some food and had us help him make dinner for the party.
“Do we have to do this?” I asked.
“Yes,” said Daddy.
He got close to my ear and said “Because I’m Daddy and I say so, so I want both of you kids in here helping me.”
He gave me a task to do with Landon and we both peeled the potatoes together. Daddy did it with us. We sat at the table.
After we got them all peeled, we cut them up and Daddy put them in the kettle and turned on the stove.
Tristian got hungry so Daddy gave him a little snack. Haley and Alexis were playing upstairs again and Christina was at work and Gailand was off again so Steven and I were just watching the kids.
While we were cutting carrots, I felt something building up in my anus and then poop came pouring out in my nappy. I felt it expand and the poop spreading. I had no way of stopping it. I could even squeeze my butt cheeks together and it would still push its way out. Only time I have ever had control over my bowels was when I was constipated during my pregnancy and I was able to just push it out. I still didn’t use the toilet for my messes because it would have been a pain to take the nappy off and go and put it back on and risk having an accident so I just did it in my nappy and even pushed it out to get rid of the discomfort. Then when I started taking pills to help with the constipation, I was able to go easier but I still had to push it out but at least I was going more often again and the poop was green because of the iron pills I was on for low blood pressure.
The poop felt nice and warm and soft. I kept chopping up the carrots when Landon said a couple minutes later, “Did someone fart or did Natalie poop?”
“I didn’t fart,” said Daddy.
He walked over to Tristian and lifted him up and sniffed him and said “Must be Natalia.”
He put him back in his high chair after he fussed.
“Natalie go change please,” said Landon.
“Please do,” said Daddy.
He opened the kitchen window.
I put the knife down and left.
I went in my room and closed the door and laid on my bed and masturbated. I felt the poop in my nappy and masturbating in it gave me this excited feeling. I would stop and rest and start again and enjoy the messy diaper I had on.
Then I heard Daddy’s voice, “Natalia?”
I got out of bed and grabbed my changing supplies and a clean nappy. I heard Daddy coming and he came in our room as I went in the bathroom.
“Get on the bed Natalia,” he sighed.
I got on my bed and laid down. Daddy got the changing pad and told me to get up. I got up and he put it down and told me to lay down again.
Daddy pulled down my trousers and took them off. Then he undid my nappy. “Phew it’s all over you.”
Daddy grabbed a wipe and started cleaning me up. He wiped my crotch first and then he grabbed my legs and lifted them and started wiping my butt.
My vagina farted.
“You’re so turned on,” said Daddy.
He finished wiping my buttock and then he wiped around the skin layers in my labia and then going inside my vagina to get the poop out.
“Dad?” Landon called.
“Just a minute, I’m helping Natalia with something,” Daddy shouted.
He took the nappy away and let go of my legs and made sure the door was locked. Then he went back to cleaning me up.
“I would have sex with you but then Landon will wonder why we’re taking so long,” he said.
After Daddy finished cleaning me up, he put the clean nappy under me and put rash cream on and on the sides where the nappy touches where there was a rash and then he pulled it up between my legs and taped it shut. He picked up my trousers and put them on me and kissed me.
“Did it turn you on when I pooped in the kitchen?” I asked.
“Yes it did. But I had to make you change because Landon didn’t like smelling it.”
Daddy threw my nappy away for me and he washed his hands while I went downstairs. Tristian was out of his high chair and he was all cleaned up.
“Tristian got done eating so I got him out of his chair and cleaned him up,” said Landon.
“Okay,” I said.
“What took you guys so long up there, what were you doing?”
“Just something,” I said.
“What was it?” Landon asked.
“Just a private thing between us,” I said.
I was hoping he would get the hint I was not going to tell him.
“Ohhhhhhhh,” he said in a different tone of voice.
I bet he thought we were having sex or did he know his dad was changing my nappy? I didn’t ask and it wouldn’t be appropriate to ask.
Then Daddy came back in the kitchen.
“You guys didn’t have to do this now, it could have waited until you were both in bed after the baby is sleeping,” said Landon.
Daddy laughed. “No Natalia just needed help with something else, we weren’t doing it or you would have heard us.”
“Okay, couldn’t she have taken care of it herself?”
“She already does it all the time but sometimes having help with it is nice,” said Daddy. “I sped it up didn’t I?”
“Yes.”
“Okay then, she was taking too long so I helped her with it.”
Landon didn’t say anything else.
We got done with chopping everything up and putting them in the kettle to cook and then Daddy was going to make corn bread. I had to go to the store to pick up the cake but I nursed Tristian first in my room.
After I got done, I brought him back downstairs and put my shoes on and grabbed my purse and coat.
“Okay I am going to get the cake now,” I said.
“Can I come?” Landon asked.
“Sure, hurry up,” I said.
“This will get me out of the house away from working in the kitchen.”
“Landon, that’s not nice,” said Daddy.
Landon got his shoes on and got his coat and went out to the car with me.
We got in and the first thing I did was drive on Parkland Rd. again.
“You never give up do you,” said Landon.
I drove by the house and it still looked normal. No Jason.
I headed to Waitrose.
“Natalie, can I ask a personal question,” said Landon.
I started to feel anxious.
“Why don’t you ever try using the toilet?” he asked.
“Because I don’t feel anything down there so I don’t know when it’s coming,” I said.
“Can’t you go every hour or thirty minutes?”
“No it doesn’t work that way. It just comes when it does, I have no control over it.”
“You can’t even relax your muscles to let it out to keep yourself empty?”
“No,” I said. “I have no control over anything down there so I can’t just relax them. I even have this big ugly scar on my back from the accident and I was pretty beaten up down there. I was lucky my female parts weren’t wrecked. Only nerves for my bowels and bladder were.”
“Can you use a catheter?”
“I don’t like them.”
“What about getting a bag thing on your tummy so you won’t have to poop in your nappies?”
“I don’t want my body being operated on and I don’t want to deal with any bags. I’m fine with using nappies. It’s something I’ve done most of my life so this is all normal to me.”
“How does it feel to pee in a nappy?”
I felt embarrassed by that question and I didn’t feel comfortable describing it to him especially when he is still a child but he was getting very close to the age of consent here in the UK.
“You would have to try it for yourself and see,” I said. “I have plenty of them in my room so try one anytime but buy your own if you like it.”
“No that’s okay. I was just curious.”
“That was why I said you would have to try it because you wanted to see what it feels like.”
“I just wanted you to describe it, how does it feel when you do it?”
“It’s just warm and then you feel dry again in a few minutes because it absorbs it away from the skin. You get used to it so it doesn’t feel gross anymore. Women have to sit in their blood all the time when they are on their period and they are more prone to bladder leakage because of having babies.”
“My mum had to wear a pad when she was pregnant with me because I wouldn’t quit pushing on her bladder and she also felt like wearing a nappy several times.”
“My mum wore them at night when she was a kid and young adult and she also wore them sometimes when I was a kid and then she started wearing them all the time when I was your age. She gave up on her potty schedules because she found it easier to just use nappies and she noticed less stress by not having to think all the time about her bladder and her potty schedule.”
“How do you know when it’s time to change?” Landon asked.
“When it feels very wet or when I feel any wet spots on my clothes or around my skin.”
“How come you don’t change when you poop?”
“I got used to that too so I always think I will deal with it later,” I said.
“What do they feel like?”
“You mean my messy nappies?”
“Yes.”
“Squishy and I don’t always feel it either.”
“How do you know you’re messy if you don’t feel it? Do you go by the smell?”
“I feel it come out but I just can’t stop it and I feel the nappy expanding and the mess spreading but it feels all normal so I don’t think of anything of it when it happens.”
“Doesn’t the smell bother you?”
“I got used to it.”
“That’s sad. But you should realize that not everyone else wants to smell it just because you got used to it or think my dad always wants to change them. I think he does it just to get rid of the smell because you won’t take care of it, not because he likes doing it. I don’t know how he keeps on doing it.”
You have no idea, I thought.
Of course I wasn’t going to tell him his dad enjoys changing me and he was the one who told me he would take care of my nappies for me so I wouldn’t have to worry about them and the fact he gets turned on by the smell and changing me.
“Natalie, I have one last question, did you hate wearing nappies at one point in your life when you first started wearing them again?” Landon asked.
“Oh god yes I hated it. I used to take them off when I first had to wear them so my Mum had to tape them on me using thick tape and then using scissors to take them off. They were bulky and very hot so they made my bottom sweat and it was hard sleeping in them because they felt so bulky and I hated having accidents and after a few weeks I started to leave them on because it was better than having wet clothes or messy ones. I had to get used to it and now nappies don’t feel that way anymore. They still feel bulky, the thick ones that is but not the Tenas.”
“How long did it take for you to get used to it?”
“Maybe a few months but the pooping it took me to about nine years old to get used to it but I hated having them in school because kids would give me a hard time about it,” I said.
“Maybe because they didn’t like smelling them and you weren’t leaving the class to have it taken care of,” said Landon.
“It wasn’t that. They already were giving me a hard time about it before I got used to it so I didn’t stay in them on purpose after having them.”
“Didn’t you go to the nurse’s office?”
“Yes but I had to let the teacher know first and the kids still didn’t like it and one time we had a sub so she wouldn’t let me leave class at all and I was too embarrassed to even tell her why I had to leave class because my teacher had forgotten to inform her about my medical condition so one of the kids had to blurt out I had to go to the office to get my stinky nappy changed and that was so embarrassing because he couldn’t keep quiet about it.”
“He had to let the teacher know right?”
“Yes but he could have told her it quietly than shouting it out in class for everyone to hear but I think he did it just to humiliate me because kids are mean you know. They have no empathy due to their brains not being that far developed yet but you would expect a 6th grader which you guys would call year six to know which is eleven and twelve years of age in the US because everyone starts reception a year later at five years of age instead of four and we call it kindergarten. But when my Mum was in 7th grade which you guys call year seven, she had diarrhea because her teacher wouldn’t let her leave class so kids called her Shitnita for a while. Then months later they forgot why they were calling her that and couldn’t remember where they got the name Shitnita from.”
“Shitnita, poor girl. Did anyone give you a different name?”
“Yes, I was called Shitalie or Shitalia by my old best friend.”
“She wasn’t a true friend then.”
“She wasn’t. We stopped being friends after the car accident but not right away but she did eventually and turned on me. Then years later she got in a car accident and also ended up in nappies and in a wheelchair but kids still liked her and they didn’t tease her for it in school like they did for me.”
“Really?” Landon asked.
“I was different so I got different treatment,” I said.
I arrived at Waitrose and parked in the car park and got out. I locked the car and we went inside. I went to the bakery section and stood there by the counter.
“Hello,” said one of the bakers.
“Hi I am here to pick up my cake,” I said.
“Name?”
“Natalie Wilums,” I said.
She went to the back and Landon and I waited.
I spotted some free samples and took one. Landon did the same.
Then the baker came back with the cake. I peeked inside and there was Peppa Pig. The baker taped my paid receipt to the box and I picked it up and carried it.
I put it in the trolley and got a couple drinks for the party. I also got some paper plates and cups so we wouldn’t have all those dirty dishes. I also got some napkins and we got ice cream and a number one candle. I paid for them and left. I put the stuff in the back seat and Landon held the cake for me in the front seat. I put the trolley back and got in the car and left.
We arrived home and Landon put the cake on top of the fridge. I took everything out of the bags.
“I got some paper plates and cups so we wouldn’t have all those dirty dishes to wash,” I said.
“Oh Natalia, we don’t have that many people coming,” said Daddy.
“Yes we do, my Dad, my brother, your Mum and Dad, Gailand, Chris, and if those neighbors decide to come,” I said.
“We can still wash all those dishes. No need to buy any paper plates.”
“Dad she just didn’t want the extra work for everyone so she just wanted to get them,” said Landon.
“It’s just a waste of money,” said Daddy.
“She just wanted them Dad okay. Look at how nice these are.”
Landon picked up the paper plates and showed him the prints on them and the color.
Daddy didn’t say anything else.
I heard a car door slam in front of our house and I looked out the window and there was my Dad and Robbie.
I opened the front door and let them inside. Robbie was carrying the present and it was just a gift bag with tissue.
“Open it open it,” he said.
“I will later,” I said.
I took the bag from him and put it in the dining room on the buffet.
Robbie played with Haley and Alexis. Then Gailand arrived and she had a present in her hand which was also another gift bag. She said hi to all of us and she gave me a little kiss on the cheek and then said to me “I got your little guy something, where do you want me to put it?”
I pointed to the buffet and Gailand put it next to Robbie’s and Dad’s presents.
It was already four o clock and only three people had showed up.
“My Mum and Dad will be here but they are running a little late,” said Daddy.
I talked with Gailand.
Our doorbell rang again and Landon answered it. I heard kids talking and then Aimee, Jennifer, Seth all ran in the living room. I saw Jason coming in the room too and this time he was wearing normal clothes and he looked happy. I knew it, he was going to get a break from the abuse briefly because of me so the mother was tip toeing for in case a social worker shows up. I was even surprised they even came.
Gailand then abandoned me and started talking to the mother and father. They introduced themselves as Marleen and Bob. I hung around and listened to them talk because I wanted to know them more. I was on a mission. I also got my phone and looked online and I checked my inbox and saw a message from Chris. It read.
“Sorry, I won’t be able to make it, things got busy. I will still come over some time to bring the birthday present to your son.”
This was the second time she had cancelled out on me. Either she was withdrawing from me or it was just a coincidence. She would say she was coming and then the last minute she can’t make it. But at least she still had the present.
All the kids played and Jason sat by himself. I sat down with him.
“Hey,” I said. “Having fun.”
“Sure,” he said.
“How are things at home?” I asked.
“Great,” he said.
I assumed he meant the literal great. Why would he be sarcastic and have me know the truth about him?
“You know, if you ever need a place to run too, you are welcome here any time. Same as if you ever want to eat, you are free to stop by any time for some food. So what have you been doing at home since yesterday?” I asked.
“Eating, playing, watching TV.”
“Have your parents been acting any different?”
“No.”
Wow he was pretending everything was normal and it had always been that way. I couldn’t blame him though. Child abuse was no picnic, especially trying to help a child who is a victim of it and trying to prove that it’s happening for sure. Here was the family here acting normal. I wasn’t surprised. Boy I read too much and Landon thought I was nuts.
“So tell me what your life has been like for the past year,” I said.
“It’s been great,” he said.
“What has been great about it? Tell me in detail.”
“Um, um um, just played and watched TV, normal kid stuff that kids do.”
Then he got up and walked away.
I knew he was not going to tell me and I bet he only left to avoid answering my nosy questions.
I played on my phone again and then Pam and Darrin arrived. They met the new family and they also talked with the parents. Jason played video games on my WiiU.
Everyone was now here so we had dinner and we didn’t bother waiting for Christina to get here. We would save her some food. We fed Tristian in his high chair again and Jason ate his food very fast because his Mum had reminded him to slow down or he will get himself sick.
“He’s pretty skinny, is he eating enough?” Dad asked.
“He’s very picky so he won’t eat what we give him,” Marleen explained.
“Have you taken him to the doctor to see if he has any food allergies or maybe he has food texture issues,” Dad suggested. “He is eating like he hasn’t eaten in days.”
Yay for Dad for showing some concern about their child.
“Yes but they say he is just very picky and so stubborn,” said Marleen.
“It’s not possible for a kid to starve themselves like that unless there is a medical problem,” said Dad.
Bob looked at his watch and said “Well look at the time, we have to get going, come on kids, get your shoes on.”
The kids got out of their seats and they got their shoes on and got their coats. Even Jason listened and they all headed out the door.
“They sure had to leave abruptly,” said Gailand.
“Yeah because Glen started to question the condition of their son,” said Landon.
“I was just concerned, I wasn’t trying to upset them,” said Dad.
“It must be so hard having a child with food issues and then being judged and they probably felt you were judging them,” said Gailand.
“No they starve him,” said Landon.
“What? How do you know?” Dad asked.
“Because of how fast he eats and Natalie gave him a snack bar yesterday and he ate it so quickly it was like he was in a eating contest. Plus he is so skinny and he was dressed in rags and not appropriate for the weather.”
“How long have you known this family?” Dad asked.
“Since yesterday but I have known the kid since last summer,” I said.
“Did you call child service?”
“No,” I said.
“You should if there is child abuse going on.”
“I don’t want to make it worse, notice how normal they were acting when they were here?” I asked.
“Natalie, if you call them, you will be saving that boy’s life. Your Mum has called them twice and the kids were saved every time.”
“She was lucky but lot of the times they don’t take the kid away,” I said. “I read you know.”
“That’s the US, this is the United Kingdom. Call them.”
I felt nervous. I hated making phone calls.
“But they do good hiding it and the kid can just lie to them saying it never happened and then they leave and things are back to “normal” again. It’s not unsual for the abusers to start treating their kids like normal when they know the possibility of social workers showing up or when they are nearly caught and then someone comes and checks things out and the kids lie about it thinking things will be that way forever but no because things go back to “normal” after they are gone knowing no one else will show up again and this time they are more careful about the abuse so they won’t get caught or noticed.”
“You read too much you know that, you read so much it gets you worried and all worked up and then you have anxiety,” said Dad.
“I hope they don’t charge anyone fines here or arrest anyone here for “false reports” if they don’t find any evidence of abuse.”
“They’re not going to do that if you report your concern,” said Daddy, “If you are concerned about any abuse, you report it and they will check it out and close the case if you’re wrong. It’s their job to make sure the kids are safe.”
I will never forget being in high school when I asked my aide if you can report child abuse if you see it and she said you sure can but you have to be very careful about it because if you are wrong, you could end up paying a fine. I thought then that was so stupid because then it makes people not report it because they would fear being wrong or abuse not being found and then they pay a fine for trying to help a child. While that was meant to keep people from making false reports to get back at someone, it keeps innocent people from actually protecting children because they are afraid the abuser will just cover their tracks and hide the abuse and the social workers don’t see it so they charge the person a fine for making a “false report.” Even Alex’s bio father thought it was stupid because he said it was the most retarded thing he has ever heard.
Everyone got done eating we waited again to see if Christina would come home. Everyone visited while I did my computer again. The kids played. Then I heard her come home and Daddy called my name and I went downstairs and the Peppa Pig cake was already on the table. Daddy opened the number one candle and took it out of the packet and put it on the cake. He got the matches and lit one and lit the candle and blew out the match.
I took a photo of the cake and then I took movies of us singing Happy Birthday and then had Tristian blow it out but Haley and Alexis helped him by blowing it out for him because he didn’t understand how to do it. Christina took photos of him with her phone.
Then we took the candle and toys off the cake and cut the cake and Tristian got his first piece. I gave everyone else their piece with ice cream and then I got myself some and ate my cake and ice cream.
Then we were ready for Tristian to open his presents so I brought them to the table. I handed him mine and he started to rip open the wrapping. I took pictures and then a video. Christina was snapping some and then she went upstairs to get hers. She brought it down and it was a big present she had wrapped. “This is from all of us,” she said. She set it on the kitchen counter. It didn’t look like the present she showed me before.
Tristian finished opening mine and he started to play with the toy. Daddy got it out of the package for him and he started playing with it.
Then Gailand put her present in front of Tristian and Tristian pulled out the tissue and Gailand got her gift out of the bag. It was a toy mobile phone and the other were toy cars made for toddlers. Tristian liked those too and started grabbing them.
“I’ll get those out,” said Pam.
Daddy handed his to Tristian and he opened it. It was a toy piano with buttons and the keys lit up. Then Landon handed his present to Tristian and it was a wrapped present. It was a sorting toy but it was the airplane version. The toy was an airplane and it came with shapes and the airplane had holes for each shape and it also had buttons on it and it played music and it also talked and it had a on and off switch.
“It was from all of us,” said Landon.
Darrin was opening up all the toys while Tristian opened more but we helped him of course.
He opened up Christina’s and it was a toy he put his blocks in and then Christina handed him another one of her presents, the one she showed me, and Tristian opened it and it was those blocks again with stuff inside them. Daddy opened them and took them out of the box.
Then the last present we had for him to open were from Pam and Darrin. Tristian opened their and it was a toy tambourine.
“All these toys are going to drive me crazy,” said Daddy.
“You can turn them off,” I said.
“You can’t turn that off,” he pointed to the instrument.
“Don’t let him have it,” I said.
Then the other present from them I helped opened was another sorter toy but this time it was a castle version and the people with it had shapes on the bottom and Tristian would have to fit them in their correct holes. The toy was a little old for him because it said 18m+.
I thought that was all the presents when Pam brought in a big present.
“Last one,” she said.
She set it on the living room floor and we took Tristian out of his high chair and put him on the floor right by the present. He put his hands on it and leaned on it and then Pam tore open the side to get him started. He started to rip it open and Darrin helped him and it was a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe. I played with one of those when I was a kid. The Little Tykes car looked different than they did when I was a kid because it had a smiley face now.
Daddy and Darrin took the car out of the box and put it together and it was done. No tools were needed. We put Tristian in the car and he looked at the steering wheel and played with it but he didn’t make the car move.
“I remember those when I was a kid but they look so different now,” I said. “I remember we had one when I was little and I played in it all the time and then I got too big for it so it was harder to move in it and then I couldn’t fit in it at all.”
“Did you know they actually made an adult sized car of this?” Darrin asked.
“Yeah I thought it was cool and I wanted it when they put it up for sale,” I said. “I guess even normal adults out there would love to have toys in their size.”
I cleaned up the mess and folded the gift bags and put tissue paper in one of them and I threw away the wrapping and the packages the toys came in and separated them for garbage and recycling. Then I cleaned up the table by throwing away the used paper plates and used napkins.
“Thank you Hun,” said Daddy.
Haley played with Tristian’s piano and Alexis was pushing the buttons on one of the toys he just got.
I browsed on my phone. I looked on the forums again.
People visited and then Gailand had to leave so she said bye to all of us and left. Then Dad and Robbie left because he had school tomorrow and then Pam and Darrin went home. Landon packed his bag and left to head home by bus and train. He told me bye and told me he would see me in two weeks. He left and Christina put her kids to bed while Daddy went upstairs. Then Christina came back down and cleaned the kitchen. She put the leftovers away and put the leftover drinks in the fridge. We didn’t have that many dirty dishes because we had used paper plates and cups so that saved us time.
“Good thing I got paper plates and cups because that is less dirty dishes you have,” I said.
“Yes,” said Christina. “I am glad. Thank you.”
“But Steven got mad at me for it though,” I said.
“Why?”
“He thought it was a waste of money.”
“It’s not a waste if it saves you time when you have extra people here. He can be a jerk sometimes just so you know.”
“Even if he doesn’t mean it?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“At least he apologizes if he knows he’s done something wrong or sees how upset I am.”
Daddy would never hurt me on purpose.
When she got done with the kitchen, she went upstairs. Tristian played with his new toys ignoring his Cozy Coupe. I put him in it and pushed the car around back and forth. He smiled and I tried to show him how to move the car but he couldn’t really reach the floor from the seat. Then I got him out again and I stuck the floorboard in the car so it’s like a push chair for when I push him around in it outside.
I noticed how thick his nappy was so I took him upstairs and changed him in his room. Daddy was in there again on his computer. I threw Tristian’s nappy away when I was done and brought him back downstairs and let him play with his toys more. Then Daddy came down and told me I better put him to bed and he was going to bed too because he had to work tomorrow and told me to not stay up too late.
I used my phone and watched a video on Fullscreen. My nappy got full so I had to change it. I went upstairs and Daddy was in bed reading.
“Daddy, I need changed,” I said.
“Where’s Tristian?” he asked.
“Downstairs.”
“You can’t leave him down there alone, bring him up here and put him in his cot.”
I went back downstairs and got Tristian and picked up the toy he was playing with and put it in the cot with him. He started crying but I ignored it and I shut the door. I went back in my room and Daddy changed me again. Then he took off his pajamas after he finished wiping me and went inside me. I wrapped my legs around his back. Steven leaned his head down and got close to me and kissed me on the face and neck. I had to push him away because it was uncomfortable. Steven let himself up but he still fucked me. I wiped my face and neck with my fingers where he kissed me. Tristian kept crying and Daddy said he was trying to hurry so I could get back to our baby. I peed during our sex but Daddy ignored the urine.
Then he relaxed and I asked if he cummed and he said he was doing it now. Then he was done and he cleaned himself up with the wipes and put his pajamas back on. He cleaned me up again and took away the changing pad and replaced a clean nappy under me and put rash cream on my bottom. He then taped the nappy on and he took my shirt off and put my pajamas on. He threw my wet nappy away and he told me to take care of the changing pad. I took it downstairs with me and tossed it in front of the washing machine. I checked on Tristian and he was just playing in his cot so I left him there. I continued watching my movie.
I thought about what if Marleen was telling the truth about Jason. What if he really was violent and out of control? But then why wouldn’t she take him to a psychiatrist or call social services? I didn’t make Alex wear beat up clothes or make him do ridiculous “chores” or make him dress inappropriate for the weather or even starve him, in fact he starved himself. The only things I had done to him was keeping him locked in his room or fighting him off me or sitting on him but that was all in self defense. I only did it when he was violent or making annoying sounds and I kept all my items locked in bins and all my cupboards locked and the fridge to keep him out of them and I kept the light bulbs out because he liked to flick lights on and off. I also kept my bathroom door locked so he wouldn’t open and close it. That was when he was a toddler and then he grew out of some of it and didn’t smear food on walls anymore or stack stuff or wreck stuff or flick lights or open and close doors. He had new stimulations and I kept extra locks on windows and doors and I had a lock on his bedroom door to keep him in there whenever I needed a break from him but then he got too heavy for me to carry. Only time I had ever slapped him was when he had hit me so I wanted to show him how it felt to be hit and I decided every time he hits me, I will hit him back so he will quit doing it once he realizes I will hit him every time he hits me and he did have my nail marks on his skin from where I would grab him in self defense and give him a little pain to get him to quit hurting me. But even defending yourself against your child is deemed child abuse so he was taken from me for a while and I didn’t care because he was too much for me to handle so he was better off with another family who could do a better job. But apparently that is also wrong. Darn if you do, darn if you don’t. Daddy didn’t agree with everything I did with my son so he always helped me with him whenever he was around.
I didn’t want to judge Marleen too much because what if she just needed help raising her kid and couldn’t handle him like I couldn’t handle Alex. But then I remember seeing how he was starved and poorly dressed and the ridiculous chores he was doing and calling him Shit Head or The Boy. I never called Alex any of that. I called him my son or by his name. Maybe calling social services would get them the help they need so it wouldn’t be like I was being judgmental. I would just be voicing my concern. I decided to just call them again. After all wouldn’t I want someone to call social services on me if I was having trouble with my children and then I get help?
After the movie ended, I went to bed and Steven was already sleeping.
Chapter 6
Everyone was at work the next day so it was just me and Tristian home alone again. I held him in my arms and nursed him while I did my computer. After he got done nursing, I put him down and washed my changing pad. I swept the floor and washed spots off the floor using a spray mop and then I swept the other floors and vacuumed. Tristian played with his new toys again and then he was just exploring.
I figured Jason was in school so I didn’t bother going over there to check up on them. I would do it when Haley and Alexis get home. I figure they will be home by then.
I still heard about the terrorist attacks that happened here online. There was a discussion about it on Wrongplanet and people there were still talking about it. It was even in the American news too and on American news sites. It was also on CNN. I even discovered there was an article online about a “crazy woman changing her nappy on the train and being escorted off. I knew they were talking about me and they didn’t even list my name. No photo was shown either. It was just about witnesses being stuck on a train underground between Greenwich and Canning Town and then seeing a lady changing her nappy on the train exposing her messy bum. It was posted online at on ABDL subreddit on Reddit linking to that article. I looked on Dailydiapers and the article was posted there too and Adisc also had it there too. I had made the articles. Wow incontinence can sure get that much attention but yet having a full bladder doesn’t because there was no news articles about people pissing on the train. I was still being persecuted over my medical condition. No one was considering in the article I was incontinent and I really needed to change or else I would leak all over and get a terrible rash. I may have gotten used to having it but I still didn’t always like it. If I get any nappy rashes, it’s a pain to have them because I can’t just ditch the nappies to air out and then live my normal day. It’s also a pain to need a new nappy and I have no way of changing it or finding a place to change my nappy or planning ahead of time by making sure there will be toilets around or thinking how long I will be gone and thinking if I better change now or not. There is even a thread on Dailydiapers asking if anyone enjoys being incontinent and I wouldn’t say I enjoy it, I just live with it and accept it and have gotten used to it. It’s not something I am upset or miserable about but I enjoy my nappies. I will mind as well have fun with it if I’m incontinent. Even if I could get my control back, I would still wear nappies but the difference is I would have control over when to pee and when to poop and I could hold it at inconvenient times.
I just giggled at the news article about it because my medical condition got that much attention it ended in the media and people were too silly to realize this was a medical condition and there is such thing as incontinent and anyone can have it. I wonder if they would make a big deal if a woman changed her menstrual pad on the train or her tampon?
I went on Facebook and posted the article writing “So you can urinate in emergency situations but not take care of your incontinent product.”
I watched TV again as I browsed online reading things. Then the washing machine got done so I took out my changing pad and put in dirty clothes and hung my changing pad up to dry in the bathroom upstairs.
I did the dishes from yesterday and this morning and turned the dishwasher on and I left the big ones to dry or soak.
I changed my nappy again and spent the rest of my time in the living room. I fed Tristian his food and cleaned him up and I had something to eat because I felt like eating and I hadn’t eaten all day anyway.
When Haley and Alexis came home, I left with Tristian for a “walk” to see if Jason was home yet. I had left over cake with me to give to the family because they had left before we could do the cake.
I walked to the street and saw their house and I walked up to the door. There was a car in the driveway so I knew they were home. Right when I was about to ring their doorbell, I heard screaming inside.
“You little Shithead,” I heard.
I hesitated ringing the door bell and listened carefully.
“Look at me,” I heard.
Then I heard wailing.
I heard Marleen screaming again but I couldn’t make out the words.
I finally rang the doorbell. The screaming stopped and it took maybe a few minutes for her to come to the door. It opened and she smiled at me.
“Hi,” she said.
“I brought over some cake for you guys because you guys left so soon,” I said.
I took the plate out of the stroller from the basket and handed it to her.
I could see Jennifer in the background and Seth but there was no Jason.
“Where’s Jason?” I asked.
“He is upstairs playing but he will be doing his homework very soon.”
I knew she was lying. I don’t have to read any body language to know.
“Okay, can I see him?” I asked.
“No he is about to do his homework so he is pretty busy right now,” said Marleen.
“What about your other kids?”
“They’re busy.”
But Jennifer ran out of her chair and ran to me to say hi.
“Where’s your brother?” I asked.
“In the-”
Marleen nudged her hard before she could finish answering.
“Go back to the kitchen and finish your snack,” she said.
Jennifer went back and Marleen said to me.
“Thanks for stopping by, I will give this to our children.”
“Hey, um sorry for what happened yesterday. My dad wasn’t trying to upset you guys, he was just concerned. Have you taken your kid to a doctor to see if he has any food allergies or any food texture issues, he could have sensory issues and that would explain the picky eating,” I fibbed.
“Yeah we have,” she said.
“And have you tried any therapy for him for his behavior because you said he is violent?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she said.
“And you can always send him over to my house if you need a break from him and I don’t care how often you send him there even if it’s all the time,” I said. “Don’t worry I once had a violent kid too so I can handle it.”
“Thanks for your concern,” she said.
I wasn’t sure if she was being sarcastic or if it was her normal tone of voice but I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to look like an idiot.
This was helping me with my social anxiety. I was talking to her and here I was lying. I was hoping to have her dump her son on me so he would be safe from the abuse and have a safe spot to go to. That was the best I could do to help a child and I would fatten him up. I still didn’t think Jason was violent and it was just a lie by Marleen to turn people against him. I had seen it too much in child abuse stories.
“Is this it?” Marleen asked.
“I guess,” I said. “Uh yeah.”
“Okay,” she shut the door without telling me bye or telling me to see me soon or to have a nice day.
I didn’t walk away right away because I wanted to see if there would be more screaming again. I started to walk away to make it look like I was leaving but stopped and slowly moved back. I still heard no screaming.
Maybe she was just being careful so I left and pushed Tristian down the street and back to the house and went up to the door again to eavesdrop on anything. I still heard nothing so I went home.
I had doubts Marleen would send Jason to my house to get rid of him but I was also hoping she would do it because she hated him so much and he wouldn’t be a burden to her but I knew deep down this was about control and having a punching bag so that was why abusers never get rid of their child they hate. I don’t understand it and it’s probably something I will never understand because I don’t have that mindset.
I went back home and I took off my coat and shoes and got Tristian out of his push chair. I folded the pushchair and leaned it against the wall.
I decided to talk to Gailand about Marleen.
“Gailand, I have a question,” I said,
“Yes,” she said.
“Have you ever known anyone who was abused or ever suspected anyone was being abused?” I asked.
“This is about last night isn’t it?”
“Yes, but have you ever known anyone who was abused or ever suspected it?”
“I have seen some bad parents in public like where they call their kid names or scream at them and threaten to break a bone in their body or kick their ass.”
“But what about at home like in your neighborhood or any kids you have watched?”
“Not that I know of,” she said.
“What do you think of this situation you saw last night?” I asked.
“I was shocked. I don’t know what to think. This was all of a sudden.”
“I wish I could help him,” I said. “I would kidnap him and bring him here but the law prevents it.”
“I know. You can always call the child abuse hotline.”
“And when I went to their house again to drop off some cake they didn’t get to have, I heard the mother screaming and she was saying Shithead and I heard her son wailing and her screaming and she has called him The Boy the other day and even his little siblings say his name is Shithead and they are not allowed to talk about him.”
“Oh my,” said Gailand. “You should call child protective services. If they do their jobs properly, they will interview each child in the house.”
“Unless they have been trained well to lie,” I said.
“Since they were able to slip what they call him and not being allowed to talk to him, they will slip again.”
That was a good point she had made. I decided I really should call them.
“I think I will call them,” I said. “But how do I know the number?”
“I am sure you can look it up online.”
I went on my phone and looked up how to report child abuse.
I called our local police and they answered and I told them about my suspected abuse but the officer seemed unfriendly because he acted like I was being a nosy neighbor and paranoid and that I was making assumptions and even telling him about the mum calling him a Shithead and The Boy and the fact his siblings said they were not allowed to talk to him or pay any attention to him and that didn’t bat an eye for him. He just told me they can’t be wasting their time harassing families when they have bigger things to worry about. I protested that abuse is a big issue to worry about and Jason is so skinny and he eats his food so fast but the officer got rough with me and I hung up. That was pointless.
I told Gailand about it and she was sorry it happened and told me to try again. I told her they won’t do anything and she said I might get another officer than the same one so keep trying. I told her I just wanted to call social services.
I wished I still had Maria’s number because she was my social worker for a while and then I lost her number when she closed the case on me because I wasn’t having any other trouble after Alex’s death and I had my family and my husband and my cousin for support so they were not worried about Tristian and my anxiety had gotten better and my problems because of less anxiety. For some reason anxiety makes me dysfunctional and causes me impairments while for most people they only have psychical symptoms and it doesn’t limit them. I must have a rare type of anxiety and there is nothing that describes mine but go on the anxiety forum on Reddit, I see how impairing it is for some people because it affects them getting a job or even having employment or doing daily tasks. I don’t have that kind of anxiety. I am not anxious about getting work or looking, it’s people that stop me from getting one because they don’t hire me after I have turned in my application. But I do have a problem with organization and planning and knowing where to start and the fact I have no references or know anyone but I could use Chris as my reference or use her for my cover letter or recommendation. I could use the staff at Alex’s old school who were his teachers since they know me. But I don’t know if it’s the anxiety that is giving me problems with knowing where to start and being organized or if I am having anxiety because of those issues.
I kept looking online finding other ways to report child abuse but I was wondering if anyone else would do it for me like Daddy or Landon or Christina. I dialed another number I saw on the website. I talked to a lady on the phone and this time she was helpful and friendly. I gave her my contact information and name and I told her I didn’t want Marleen and Bob to know I called them and I also gave them the location but I didn’t know their home address but I knew the street they lived on so I described their house and their car. She reassured me she would give the information to the police and child services. I thanked her and hung up.
That wasn’t so bad. Even if I were wrong, at least they would take care of it I hope and help that family and their child if he is indeed this violent manipulative kid Marleen describes and if he does starve himself for real. But I couldn’t get passed Shithead and The Boy. Mum and Dad have never called me those things, I was never called The Girl but Kelly and I were called The Girls or Girls but that was different. We were never called any profanity names. I find it disturbing anyone would think that it’s normal like that one officer did. Maybe he was called those things too so he didn’t know any different. Also why would it be a secret about Jason so the siblings were not allowed to mention him?
The lady on the line did tell me to do what I have been doing and to take my step son’s advice too.
The only problem was my anxiety. I hated getting nervous in new situations and around people I am not familiar with thinking I am going to do something wrong and be rejected. I even wonder if lot of my social problems are anxiety related. But I was glad I had that taken care of. Now all I had to do was hope they do their job.
I realized I had forgotten to call Anna again so I had to remember to call her again tomorrow. I looked on my phone for any missed calls and I had none. She had not called me.
Jason was off my mind for the rest of the day and I didn’t even think about him but I still thought about the terrorist attack and me surviving and how I would have been dead if I didn’t forget my phone.
Chapter 7
The next day I remembered to call Anna. She answered.
“Hello?”
“Anna, this is Natalia calling,” I said. “I used to work in Canningham Square before the terrorism occurred, you were supposed to call me back about another job.”
“Oh yes, we don’t have any openings right now but you are on the list for needing a job. You still interested in caretaking?”
“Yes,” I said.
“You will get a phone call from me when one opens. We have tons of people on the waiting list for a job and there aren’t enough going around but they have been talking about expanding to doing food service.”
“What are you guys going to do in it?”
“Oh like ship out food products and they are going to produce food too and ship them out to companies,” said Anna.
“Is it going to be an outdoor job or an indoor job?”
“Both.”
“When will that start?”
“We’re working on it this spring but it won’t officially start until next year. So you we will let you know when a new position opens okay.”
“Okay,” I said.
I waited for a cue to hang up.
“Bye,” she said.
“Bye,” I said.
I hung up. I was going to enjoy the rest of the month of not working before I start looking for another job the normal way. I knew there would be a higher chance of getting fired but I didn’t care. I like to keep trying. I was still going to try and go for part time because that is what I can handle for now.
I spent the rest of the month of not working and I still walked by Jason’s house and still kept trying to invite their kids over but Marleen got mad at me for “stalking her” because I wouldn’t stop going by her house and knocking on their door just to talk and she said she would file a restraining order on me. I didn’t take it seriously of course because the worst that could happen was someone showing up at my house and handing me the papers to stay a certain feet from her house and from her and her family. I still came by their house but I didn’t knock on their door again. I didn’t want to deal with her hostility and she already didn’t like me because she couldn’t get away with abusing her child if I was always dropping by to be friends. Or maybe I just did this all wrong so she got mad but I still thought it was due to the abuse.
Then one day I did notice their house was empty one day. I was not surprised. But I also felt sad for Jason. I wondered if a social worker had showed up or did they leave before it even happened? I couldn’t help but blame myself but I had to remind myself the abuse still would be happening even if I didn’t try to do anything about it. There was nothing I could have done. I just hoped Jason would remember me and I had attributed to his life in a good way.
Landon came over again when it was that weekend again and the next day we went out together with Tristian. He wanted to go out and do something with Daddy but he refused because he wanted to work and there was another argument between them. Landon shouting how can he pick work over him when this is the weekend and he only there two weekends a month and then Daddy getting mad at him saying he said this noon so he slammed the door in his face and then Landon came down and asked me if we can go out and do something together. That made me happy because at least it will get me out of the house and I am not working and I could bring Tristian along so he could have a day out too and explore. I got ready and Tristian ready and packed a lunch for us and snacks for Tristian.
We took a trip to inner London together. I do admit Landon is cute but I was too old for him and he was my step son and I was married so all this would be creepy and inappropriate if I made out with him and flirted with him and cuddled with him.
“Does my dad ignore you too?” Landon asked.
“No,” I said.
“So he doesn’t get upset with you if you interrupt him?”
“No,” I said.
“So do you think if you had interrupted him today and ask him to take us somewhere, he would have done it?”
“Maybe,” I said.
“Why didn’t you do it?”
“I didn’t think of it,” I said.
“I feel Dad doesn’t care about me anymore because he doesn’t seem interested in me anymore but I only come because of my brother and you,” he patted my back.
“You should tell him this so he knows how you feel,” I said.
“How can you marry a guy like that?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “He treats me well and is very understanding.”
I also didn’t want to say he liked being my daddy and taking care of me.
“Excuse me, how old is your son,” a lady asked Landon
“Oh no he’s my half brother,” he said. “She’s my step mum.”
“Oh,” said the lady.
“He’s a year old,” I said.
I bet she was wondering how this guy could be my step son especially if he looked like a man and I still looked young in my twenties. But I didn’t care.
“I thought you two were together,” said the lady.
“It’s happens,” I said. “I look so young and he is looking like a young man already.”
Landon was growing facial hair and his voice had already changed. My dad didn’t grow a beard until after he was eighteen. Daddy said he was in university when he was growing one. Landon was just getting it this year and body hair on his legs and arms.
That was the end of our little chit chat and Landon and I just sat together and he was touching my shoulders and my hands. The touch felt good.
We got off at Holborn and took the train to Covent Garden. We walked to the London Transport Museum. I paid for one adult. Landon and Tristian were free because they were under eighteen.
We started our tour with the museum. First room we looked in was Digging Deeper. It talked about the London history of the underground and how it became electrified in 1890. The room had displays and photographs and old items from the days. It even showed one of the tickets from that year. I even saw a model of one of the escalators going underground.
“Natalie, come here,” Landon grabbed my hand and pulled on me. I pushed the push chair following him and he showed me a train model. I looked at it.
We got done looking in the room and went to the next room. It had a bunch of old underground logos and old London underground maps and other posters. I also looked at the models.
Tristian got hungry so I nursed him while I looked around. Landon got hungry so I opened my nappy bag and took out his lunch and gave it to him. He ate his sandwich and his cheese and crackers.
After Tristian was done nursing, I put him back in his push chair and gave him his snack.
Then we were in a big room looking at all the old buses. We could walk in them and look at the manikins dressed in old fashioned clothes who were sitting in the seats.
I looked on another bus and then I felt pressure building up in my anus and then poop was coming out and into my nappy. Luckily I was in an isolated area because no one was around me.
I felt the poop going up my butt crack and it felt like a medium sized one and it was very soft. I just kept looking and looking at the other displays and then I caught up with Landon again. He didn’t say anything about my dirty nappy. We looked around and then I ran into someone familiar. I stared at her and she looked at me. She had brown hair and she was close to my height and average build and she was just standing there alone.
“Natalie?” she asked.
“Who are you?” I asked.
I tried to recognize her but I couldn’t.
“We went to school together, did you forget?” she asked with an American accent.
“Give me a hint,” I said.
“Shitalie you broke my leg at practice and made me quit soccer.”
“Veronica,” I said.
“Oh you do remember.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Looking.”
“No, I mean here in London. Do you live here now or are you just visiting?”
“Just visiting. We have always wanted to visit Europe.”
“So you have kids now?” I asked.
“No way. My husband and I are dog people, they’re our children.”
“So you’re childfree, you still wear diapers?”
Veronica scoffed. “You haven’t changed. Are you?”
“Yeah unfortunately,” I said.
“I can smell it, still Shitalie.”
I ignored the name.
“You haven’t changed either,” I said.
“Why are you here?”
“Just spending time with my step son because his dad is a workaholic and this here is my son. He just had his first birthday.”
I turned the pushchair to face her so she could see my son but Veronica didn’t bother looking at him.
“So you’re married to a guy who pays no attention to you, that’s awesome.”
“No he gives me attention. He just likes to work because it’s his interest. He is obsessed with work so he spends lot of his time with it but if I get his attention, he will give me attention.”
“So you married another retard.”
“He is not retard, he is very smart. He went to college but to be exact, he was a social retard so you could still say he was one,” I said. “But he is very smart above average. I found his old test scores. He isn’t a genius but he is above average and he is an engineer and works with computers. He just wasn’t people smart.”
“It takes one to know one,” said Veronica. “Nice to meet you again Miss Evans.”
“It’s Wilums now,” I said.
Veronica walked away. I thought I heard her say “a bunch of retards marrying other retards and making more of them.”
This felt like high school all over again. I was hoping Tristian would be alright and not turn into Alex or be another me. I was hoping for him to be “normal.” So far he was.
I looked at her butt to see if she was wearing a nappy but I couldn’t tell.
Landon who was standing near me said to me “Who was that?”
“My old friend Veronica, the one who used to call me Shitalie,” I said. “She is still the same from childhood.”
“That’s a bummer. Ready to see the Film Museum?”
“Yeah,” I said.
We were starting to head there when Landon said “I would take care of the smell first. I have been smelling it and I would like it to be taken care of if you don’t mind. I hope you aren’t expecting me to take care of it for you.”
“No I wouldn’t want you doing it, that would be freaky,” I said.
“I was kidding,” he was laughing. “Oh man the look on your face was priceless.”
“What did it look like?”
“I can’t explain it. It was just funny. You thought I was serious. Go on go take care of that foul odor.”
I took my nappy bag and brought it to the toilets with me. I changed in the disabled toilet.
After I was done taking care of it, I threw it away and washed my hands and left the disabled toilet. I met up with Landon again who was waiting for me at the exit with my son.
“Thank you,” he said.
We went to the Film Museum and this time I had to pay for Landon but Tristian was still free.
I had my snack and then we started to look around. The whole entire museum was dedicated to James Bond so they have all the movie props and the vehicles from the movies.
“Did you know that the medical experts say James Bond is a high functioning sociopath?” I asked.
“What? You gotta be kidding me? He is a fictional character, how do you diagnose a fictional character?” Landon asked.
“You ever noticed all the stuff he has done in the movies especially to his enemies and how he has no problems killing anyone.”
“He’s a secret agent, he is licensed to do that or otherwise everyone in the war is a sociopath or all the secret agents out there and everyone who has fought in the war.”
“He treats women like objects and doesn’t care for them and in GoldenEye he races down the road that is very curvy and he doesn’t care how nervous he is making his psychologist feel and he races Xenia down the road and she tells him to stop but he doesn’t, that is a sign right there,” I said. “Also he drops the Dr. Evil looking guy in one of the smokestacks at the abandoned Battersea Power Station.”
“He’s a fictional character, it’s all meant to be funny and for entertainment or otherwise it would all be boring.”
“Winnie the Pooh characters have also been diagnosed, Eeyore has depression, Rabbit has OCD, Tigger has ADHD, Christopher Robin has schizophrenia which would explain the talking stuffed animals.”
Landon smirked.
“You read dumb shit,” he said.
“And Piglet has anxiety and Kanga is about the only normal character there is. I have even seen other Disney characters being diagnosed like Belle has schizoid disorder so that would explain why she was indifferent to the whole village making fun of her and why she doesn’t fit in.”
“That is all sad,” said Landon.
“People say online Cruella De Vil is a sociopath. I wonder if the Badun brothers would have low IQs because that would explain why they were so stupid in the animated movie. They didn’t seem that dumb in the live action movie so John Hughes have changed the characters.”
“People waste their time diagnosing fictional characters rather than enjoying them,” said Landon.
“People also diagnose celebrities like medical experts have already diagnosed Trump as a sociopath, and as having narcissistic personality disorder.”
“Oh god,” said Landon.
“I think people toss around labels these days instead of considering someone could just be an asshole and have nothing be wrong with them,” I said. “They forget that you have to be impaired to have a disorder and Trump is rewarded for his behavior.”
“He’s a rich man so people let him get away with his bullshit. My mum hates him, she can’t stand him because he is a sexist pig and a misogynist. Plus he’s stupid.”
“I think anyone can be an asshole and be racist and a xenophobic and a misogynist,” I said. “I don’t know if he is stupid. He is just narrow minded and doesn’t seem to get there are other perspectives.”
“That’s what stupid is, anyone can be stupid,” said Landon.
“Oh you meant any IQ, okay. I thought you meant he had a low IQ.”
We looked at the exhibits and I saw all the real live 007 stuff but I knew it was all props and they didn’t actually work like they did in the movies.
We stayed past closing and then we left. We were heading back to the tube station when Landon asked me. “So what were you and the old friend talking about?”
“Nothing really. I didn’t get to ask her about her time here or what she planned on doing in Europe and what she had done so far and how long she’d been married or how she is doing now with her body and she didn’t tell me if she was still in nappies. Plus she called your dad a retard but I told her he was very smart but he was a social retard to be exact if she wants to count that but he is still very smart but not a genius, just smart and she said it took one to know one.”
“Ha that’s a compliment,” said Landon.
“How so?” I asked.
“She called you smart.”
“No she meant retard. She had not changed one bit because she was still insulting me but I didn’t react to it.”
“Good,” said Landon.
“She didn’t even ask me anything about myself like who my baby was or even ask if I had other kids or what I was doing in life or how I was,” I said.
“Sorry she didn’t give you the small talk you wanted.”
“I was just curious,” I said. “I thought she would be curious about me too but I guess she didn’t care, plus she called me Shitalie again.”
“Well you did smell pretty bad.”
“She just hasn’t changed is all, not since high school. Some people never grow up so I seemed more grown up than her because I didn’t fight with her or insult her back.”
“Good for you.”
“But I told her she hadn’t changed much either.”
“So you did fight with her a little.”
“Well she was insulting me and your dad,” I said. “What do you think of your dad?”
“I don’t know he’s my dad.”
“Do you feel he is a good father or a jerk or cold hearted or a retard?” I asked.
“Just because he and my Mum didn’t get along doesn’t make him bad,” said Landon. “But he seems to not pay any attention to me and I am just there but I have my step family and in fact he never seemed to care who I lived with and if I saw him or not.”
“He only wanted what was best for you, he didn’t want to take you away from your peers and teachers and your friends,” I said.
“I know but he didn’t seem to care if you know what I mean because I hear most parents try to get custody or at least have half or see them more and he never did that.”
“But he loves you,” I reassured him.
“Oh yeah, does he ever talk about me?”
“Yes sometimes.”
Landon scoffed. “Sometimes? He should be talking about me all the time.”
“I don’t talk about my son all the time,” I pointed out.
“You should, he’s your son but what do I know, you’re both weird. But I like you, as a friend,” he patted me on the back.
“But not as a step mum right?” I said.
“Yeah.”
“But you are happy living with your Mum and step dad so that is all it matters and you wouldn’t like us as your parents anyway,” I said. “So Dad fighting to have you live with us would be pointless and selfish.”
“That was another thing that drove my Mum crazy, being so logical.”
“Besides there is more to life than talking about your kids all the time,” I said. “It’s like once parents have kids, they get Asperger’s because they then can’t stop talking about their children and that is all you ever hear about it’s like they don’t have a life anymore because it evolves around their kids.”
“But isn’t that what parenting is?” Landon asked.
“Yes but they are still more than being a Mum or a Dad. Surely they still have their friends and their jobs and still have their outside interests and can they not talk about the weather anymore or their work or whatever in the world is pissing them off or talk about current events or politics?” I asked.
We got to the tube station and we went down the stairs and Landon helped me carry down the pushchair. I scanned my ticket in the machine and Landon put his ticket through the machine and we headed to the platform.
We got on the train when it got here and we rode it to the other station.
“Man I’m hungry, let’s stop to get something to eat,” said Landon.
“We can eat at home,” I said.
“I mean I don’t want to eat at home, why can’t we stop somewhere and eat. I am sure there are lots of eating places around here.”
“But I don’t want to spend any money,” I said.
“I have my own,” said Landon.
Doh.
“Fine,” I said.
We got off at the other station we were back above ground again.
“Well there’s McDonalds,” I said.
“Is fast food all Americans think about?” Landon asked. “I see Sainsbury. Let’s go there.”
I followed him to the store and we went inside.
I gave Tristian more food again I brought with for him.
Landon looked around and he bought himself a sandwich again from the deli and a drink. He paid for them and I saw how much cash he had on him. I could remember the days when I always carried cash, now I only carry cards. I don’t have cash on me anymore or change.
Then we left and he started eating his food again. We went back to the station and waited for the red line.
We got off in our area and started to head to our bus stop. I nursed Tristian again.
“Does it bother you that you smell like shit in public?” Landon asked.
“I’m used to it so no it doesn’t bother me anymore. My Mum used to tell me it’s part of life so I had to get used to it.”
“Wow,” said Landon. “But I don’t think she ever meant you had to stay in it.”
“Well I used to whine about it and my mum would basically tell me to shut up about it because this is part of life so I would have to get used to it. After a while I stopped caring because I have this medical condition so it’s not my fault. Some people drool because they can’t help it, some breath real hard and loud due to a medical condition, some people have problems with body odor so they smell no matter what, some people have deformed figures, and I am incontinent. I don’t know why the other things are acceptable but not this.”
“Because it’s bodily functions,” said Landon. “And no one wants to smell BO either.”
“Yeah I know but there is still a big stigma on incontinence and nappies are still frowned upon in the states because it’s all about being discreet while here in Europe it’s about being practical. I always preferred practical diapers because I didn’t like leaking all over and having my messes leak out of my nappies so I didn’t care how thick they were. Thicker nappies meant they held more and did their job more. It was hard when I was a kid because you know how mean kids are but as an adult I would expect them to understand and no one says anything about it anymore so it’s easier for me to deal with it.”
“Just because no one says anything about it doesn’t mean they enjoy smelling it or want to smell it and they might not even know it’s you.”
“I know. I still feel discreet about it and my son can get the blame.”
Our Bus came and I took Tristian off my boob and Landon helped me with the pushchair. I picked up my nappy bag and put it on my shoulder and I got on the bus while Landon carried the folded pushchair on the bus.
We sat down and Landon put the pushchair under the seats while I held Tristian.
When our stop came, we got off and I put Tristian in his pushchair.
We made it home and Daddy was nowhere to be seen. Christina had just made dinner so I ate it while Landon played on his mobile phone.
“Christina, guess what?” I said. “I saw one of my old school mates who happened to be visiting here in London and she was at the London Transport Museum.”
“Oh what a small world, did you say hi?” Christina asked.
“Not really, she only said my name and asked me if I knew who she was. Then it was like being in high school all over again, she has not changed.”
“Oh bummer, well at least you got to say hi to someone you knew.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I tried to be friendly with her but she was the same as always, insulting me and my husband calling us retards and me Shitalie so I told her she hadn’t changed one bit.”
I got some dinner and ate it while Tristian played. I put my plate in the sink when I was done eating and got my computer and went on it. Landon took a shower upstairs. Then he came back down in his pajamas with his hair combed.
“Hey do you have Facebook?” Landon asked me.
“You want to add me as a friend?” I asked.
“Yes, is that okay?”
“Sure, I don’t put anything bad on mine and it’s not like I post inappropriate things, I treat it like it’s real life.”
Landon got on his mobile phone again.
“What name do you use on Facebook?”
“Natalia Evans,” I said.
He typed in my name and asked me which one was mine.
“It will have a photo of me holding Tristian when he is a couple months old,” I replied.
I got off my computer and walked over to him and I looked at the results. There were lot of Natalia Evans on Facebook. Landon looked through them all and I saw my profile.
I pointed to it. “There it is.”
Landon saw it and tapped on it and it took him to my page and he added me as a friend.
I got on my computer again and I kept on reading Reddit.
“You haven’t accepted my friends request yet,” said Landon.
“I haven’t gone on Facebook yet,” I said.
“Get on now,” Landon ordered.
“I will when I feel like it, why the rush?”
“I don’t know. I am seeing what you have on your page and you don’t have much. Oh my, people being offended about the Jeffrey Dahmer tour, who’s he?”
“A serial killer in Wisconsin, USA,” I said. “He’s dead now because he got killed by another inmate during a fight in the showers back in 1994 two years after he had been put away.”
“And you compared it to being offended with Auschwitz being opened to the public.”
“Yeah because none of the Jews seem to be offended about any concentration camps being opened as museums,” I said. “That’s how silly it was to be offended over the Jeffrey Dahmer tour.”
“Your sarcasm is hilarious,” said Landon.
“It’s how I get my point across, it’s pointing out peoples’ faulty logic and making them realize how illogical they are being.”
Landon was silent for a while and then he said “Oh my he was a cannibal. You do read strange things. Why are you so drawn to negativity, why can’t you find happy stuff to read about?”
“Because it’s boring, I want to read about bad things because it’s so interesting and I like to see how dysfunctional people are and how crazy they are and how sick they are.”
I went on Facebook and approved Landon’s friends request. I looked at his Facebook page. He had a bunch of memes and random photo shots with captions on them.
“Hey I see you finally accepted my friends request,” said Landon.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m on your page now. You sure like to post random stuff.”
“Hey did you change your nappy on the train?”
“How did you know?” I asked.
“You have it on your Facebook. Woman escorted off train for changing her nappy,” he read.
“Oh that was just the article I posted because it’s okay to do public urination but not public nappy changing when you are stuck,” I said.
“But you were this nappy woman right?”
“Yes.”
“Wow that must have taken balls.”
“I had no choice, it was either that or leak all over and get rashes but it got me off the train sooner. No one else got off until one am.”
“So what sort of attention did you get on the train for your moment?” Landon asked.
“Nothing, everyone just ignored it but I heard I got complaints so that was why I was escorted off the train. It’s funny how they are quick to respond to this but not to a bunch of people being stuck on a train.”
Landon laughed.
For some reason I make people laugh without even trying to.
Landon stayed up watching TV and then he went to bed on the couch. I went upstairs to my room and I put Tristian to bed after he had dinner again. I gave him some food Christina had made. He cried a little and then he stopped crying after a few minutes.
Days went by and I never got a phone call about another job. I kept myself busy with keeping the house clean and taking care of Tristian and I still had lot of time for my computer and my phone. I still played my 3DS but only the Nintendo Badge Arcade.
Then April 1st came and that was my favorite day of the year. I thought of April Fool jokes to play this year. I posted a prank online about getting rid of Tristian but it was a parody ad of giving away pets. I wrote on Reddit on the Parenting forum
12 ½ month old needs a good home
I am sadly to inform here that my son needs to go to a good home. He is 21 pounds and 30 inches long, has light brown hair. He walks on twos and he will come with a cot and high chair, all his toys, and cups and plates and baby silverware and clothes and nappies and all baby gear. He does climb and get into things and he babbles and he doesn’t cry unless he needs something. I am tired of taking care of him so he needs to go to a good home. Must be loving people and love kids. Please send me a message if interested. I’m in London.
I hit submit button.
Then I posted it on Dailydiapers, Adisc, and on Wrongplanet. I also put it in my blog.
I got reactions and I laughed but some knew it was an April Fools joke while some took it seriously. I didn’t take any negative reactions seriously. I would wait until the end of the day to say April Fools. I decided to play along so I trolled them pretending this was all real. I whined I was being a good parent and it’s parents out there who don’t want their kids so they abuse them than getting rid of them. Would they rather have my child be abused or neglected?
I submitted that post and then I looked at the other posts on my front page of Reddit. I waited for more replies to my joke. I looked on Dailydiapers and Adisc again at my threads. Then I looked on Wrongplanet and at least some there picked up on it was a joke because the day was a dead giveaway.
Then I took a break from the forums and focused on writing and reading stuff online. I updated my Facebook page and fixed some settings on it making some stuff public like my relationship and my location and past employment in case Veronica decided to look me up and I had places I have lived made public now and my education and my nicknames and my past events and when I moved to Seattle and London. That would show her how good my life has become despite what I was like as a kid and went through. At least some of my photos were public like my children because I had shared them on my wall and that was always made public for photos but the rest couldn’t be seen and I made sure I had a picture of Tristian on my Facebook page on top of my profile as a header.
I also realized I made it look like I had two children and were both still alive but I hesitated to add that he had passed away last year or else Veronica would think I was living a shitty life and didn’t have happiness. I was very happy with my life and I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me or think my life had been so bad with Alex and that he had been taken from me before and I left him behind when I moved here. I didn’t even want him back but I was “forced” to take him back being reassured he was acting better now and was calmer now and his behavior wasn’t severe anymore and I had my husband now and he would help me and I had my dad around to help out. Everyone kept telling me I would be a good mother to him.
I left my Facebook the way it is and didn’t worry about Veronica not knowing about Landon or Alex being dead and autistic. Just shows how not everything you find on Facebook is accurate for someone’s life. People can just edit their lives online and only show the good to make it look like they have happiness.
My April Fools joke got shut down on Reddit before I could even say April Fools but I said it on the other forums. Oh well. At least I wasn’t banned and some parents picked up on this was a joke and people there debated about rehoming pets and some argued about how pets and children were not the same and you can’t compare the two so the thread was shut down due to drama.
Then in the middle of April I decided to start looking for a job because I had not gotten a single phone call from Anna. I started to look at the paper for ads for job listings and looking on craigslist. On Craigslist I noticed I didn’t see any good job listings on Craigslist and it was all just porn stars wanted or sexy workers and I didn’t see much real jobs being listed. Just ads being posted by dirty guys like one ad saying “want me to piss on you?” I clicked on it and it turned out it was posted by a woman. I didn’t think Daddy would want me posing for anyone or making sex videos and he doesn’t even want me to be a stripper. He didn’t even want me to let someone pay me to do certain things for an old online friend such as taking naked photos of myself or of my boobs or taking a picture of me to finger myself and he doesn’t want me to be a nappy slut by paying ABDL men to change me for some extra income. He says he will get jealous and plus he doesn’t trust all these men and they could hurt me and my dad told me my husband is right, it would be cheating on him and it’s a very bad idea and I don’t need to be stripping for cash and showing off my nappy, especially if it’s used.
I looked in the other sections of job listings and most of them were ads looking for men or women or sexy workers and those didn’t even look like real job listings. Just horny people spamming Craigslist. I decided to just stick with newspapers and try and find other real job websites. I could try Gumtree.
Stupid terrorists had to make this all hard for me. Finding a job would be a pain in the butt. I had done it before and I could do this again.
The End
I couldn’t believe my maternity leave was almost over. In the US lot of women don’t ever get one and when they do get one it only lasts a month to three months and it varies for each person. I only got a three month of maternity leave when I had Alex who is now passed away. I have his ashes in my room on the dresser with his name and birth year and the year he died on it.
Tristian was about to be a year old and I just had my birthday. My work was going to start next week. But since my son has been dead, my life has been better now because Daddy says I have changed a lot and I am doing a lot better now and I act more normal and he figures it was the stress that made me not function as well because of Alex. I am sure people out there still think I am guilty about my son’s death but there was no evidence between me and his death so police had nothing on me and I didn’t go to jail or get committed of a crime I didn’t commit so I had all that worry for nothing. We still had an attorney to help us through it and we also had an autistic investigator. He did it for free but Daddy still paid him because he couldn’t bear to let him leave without any payment and feel he took advantage of him. He loved Sherlock Holmes so he did this for free because it was his special interest and he loved to solve mysteries but he lived in a group home and I would say he was medium functioning and you could tell he was off just by talking to him and how he interacted. But yet his diagnoses was Asperger’s. My Mum has the same diagnoses and she also has a HFA diagnoses from another doctor but she is no way like him because she never had to be in a group home nor needed a caregiver unless I want to count my Dad and her new partner and me. I used to have to go to her flat to clean it for her and make lists for her so she could do her daily chores and then she met Rosie. Plus she has had jobs before and had kids and this man never did and he was pretty young in his early twenties and my Mum once ran her own art studio in our home when I was in high school shortly before her and Dad split up. Plus she has worked in volunteer jobs and that man never did so my Mum is higher functioning than he is. Plus she drives but this is the UK so lot of people don’t drive. Why have a car if you have trains and they take you to other towns fast? London is so full of buses and trains and it’s hard to get around in inner London anyway because of narrow streets and limited parking and some places charge parking.
I was doing some cleaning when I heard Tristian crying. I went upstairs to Alex’s old bedroom where I put the cot and he was standing up in it. Alex’s old stuff was still in here because I hadn’t gotten rid of it yet but I got rid of his clothes and his bed is out in the storage for Tristian to use when he is older and I still have his tablet.
I picked Tristian up from his IKEA crib and carried him downstairs. I set him on the living room floor with his toys and went back to cleaning. I couldn’t imagine how different my life would be if Alex were still alive. I wondered how I would have handled it. My Dad thinks I would have done fine but I don’t think so. Daddy thinks so too but I am not sure. Last time he was alive, he was violent with me and trying to hurt Tristian and I feared for his life. We had social workers involved and they were going to take him away if things didn’t get better so maybe that would have happened instead if he didn’t die so maybe things would have really worked out.
Then I saw Tristian coming into the kitchen and he was walking and he had some black stuff all over his skin. I looked at him and then I checked the living room and saw black scribbles on the sofa. I felt mad about it but I didn’t react or start screaming at him. I should have checked the room more carefully to be sure there was nothing he could get into. I found the pen lying on the rug so I picked it up and put it in a drawer in the dining room. I went back to cleaning and I would clean him up later. Ink wasn’t going to hurt him. Tristian just played in the kitchen on the floor while I was doing some laundry and then I put in a new load and carried the wet clothes upstairs and hung them to dry in each room on the dry racks.
I totally forgot about Tristian and the pen incident because Gailand had come home with Haley and Alexis and she noticed the mess on Tristian so she was nice to clean him up for me and she even changed him too. She was also nice to give him some food while she gave the girls a snack. I had totally forgotten about food because I never ate so I didn’t think to feed my own son.
Then soon Christina came home and she started to make dinner. Daddy was back to working a lot again because I didn’t need him around much anymore but he still called me to check up on me sometimes to make sure I remembered to do certain things. I was also no longer seeing Dr. Nickels because she said she couldn’t help me and since then I haven’t been to another therapist. I guess she expected me to get “normal” and that never happened so she fired me as her patient. But I am doing better anyway because of no Alex around. Tristian isn’t much work but he does get into stuff and I just move it to higher spots and he can climb too. He also goes up the stairs. I just keep the doors closed and have the baby gate up to keep him from leaving the living room.
I did my computer and watched Tristian in my room. I had his toys in here with me so he could keep busy but he wanted me to hold him so I did. I nursed him while I did my computer at the same time.
I am totally amazed at what he can do because Alex didn’t do a lot of stuff he is doing now at this age so I can see a huge difference between an NT baby and an autistic baby. Tristian was actually wanting me to hold him and cuddle him and would even cry for me but Alex never did that and he actually wanted me to notice him and Alex never did that. Plus I am so surprised how social he is and how well he responds to humans. I kept asking my dad if I did any of this stuff Tristian is doing and he would tell me I did and all babies do. But there are times when Tristian gets so hyperfocused, he doesn’t respond to his name or to me but he always responds in the doctor’s office so the pediatrician doesn’t think there is any concerns. I am not worried. I still see him as normal. Also he will hand you stuff and that gets annoying. I will be trying to do something and he starts shoving it in my face so I take it and toss it across the room telling him to quit giving me stuff. Alex never did this. I keep getting reminded by Christina and Daddy that this is normal stuff and I am treating him like he is autistic because I am only used to Alex and what Tristian is doing is actually normal. I already know how normal babies act because I have read about their development but it didn’t concern me when Alex wasn’t hitting his milestones. I took the autism acceptance too literal.
Daddy soon came home and he came upstairs to our room. He took something out of his pocket and it was a Kit Kat bar.
I panted like a dog.
He gave it to me.
“I got that for you because I know you like American candy,” said Daddy.
Indeed I did because it made me feel at home again but this one was the mint version. I love mint. The US never had different Kit Kat flavors. I started to eat it right away.
Daddy picked Tristian up and hugged him saying “Hey, are you okay?”
Tristian fussed and squirmed because he was in the middle of playing.
“Oh you don’t me holding you?” Daddy asked. “Oh alright.”
He put him down.
“You don’t like your own father, I am very sad,” said Daddy.
“He was in the middle of playing,” I said.
“I’m teasing him,” said Daddy. “You take everything seriously.”
He left our bedroom and I had to close the door for him.
Then I saw Tristian trying to get in one of my drawers so I barked at him. “Hey, out of there.”
He stopped and looked at me and I said “Good boy. Now stay out of there, that’s not yours.”
Tristian moved around and then he tried getting into my old Nintendo Power magazines so I shouted at him and he stopped and I had to put one of them back. I moved him away and moved him back to his toys.
“This is the stuff you only stuff you can touch here,” I pointed to his toys.
I couldn’t remember Alex being this curious but he did do his repetitive behavior. Normal babies just get into stuff and play with it and look at it. That is their repetitive behavior but it’s normal so we don’t call it that.
Then soon Christina called my name.
“Yeah?” I shouted.
“We have food ready.”
I did my computer for a few more minutes and then Daddy called me and I said “okay” again. I finally got off and I picked Tristian up and carried him downstairs. I put him in his high chair and his plate was already ready and his sippy cup. He doesn’t drink out of bottles. I got my food and sat down at the table with everyone.
“What happened to the sofa Natalia,” Daddy asked.
“Tristian did it,” I said.
“I know that but how did that happen?”
“I was cleaning and he got to the pen somehow and played with it,” I said.
“It will wash off, I have fabric cleaner,” said Christina.
“You need to watch our kid more,” Daddy told me.
“I was watching him but how am I supposed to clean and watch him at the same time? Everyone just needs to keep their stuff put away,” I said.
“These things happen,” said Christina. “Not anyone is to blame.”
“I’m not trying to criticize you,” Daddy told me. “I am just saying he is at the age now where he gets into everything so you really need to be paying attention to him is all and make sure he can’t get into stuff.”
“We have fabric cleaner so it can always be washed off so not a big deal,” Christina said again.
Daddy dropped the topic and we all ate. Tristian ate with his fingers while holding a toddler fork.
I finished my food and I put my plate and cup in the sink and left the table. I went back to my room and did more of my computer. Then soon Daddy called me down again to help clean Tristian up. I went downstairs and his face was a mess and his shirt. I got him out of his high chair while Daddy took care of his plate for me. Tristian held onto his sippy cup and I took him upstairs and took his clothes off in the bathroom and cleaned him up in the bathtub. He cried and I ignored it. I also washed his hair because he had gotten food in his hair from his dirty hands. He doesn’t have a lot of hair but I still wanted it to be clean even though he looks bald still.
“I have to clean you up sweetie,” I said.
After I got done, I put the nappy back on him and got him dressed in his pajamas. I took him back to my room and closed the door and got back on my computer again.
The weekend came and Daddy worked at home because it was his day off and he only quit working just to step in and take care of Tristian. He stayed in Tristian’s bedroom and worked at Alex’s old table on his computer. Christina was working again and it was Gailand’s day off so she had a baby sitter for the kids. It was just an older person than a teenager watching them. Christina had found her off a nanny site and hired her in advance.
I was on my computer in my bedroom and Tristian kept fussing and getting into trouble and I kept scolding him. Then Daddy came in my room and asked “Has he eaten?”
I realized he has not eaten since breakfast.
“He had breakfast,” I said
“He’s hungry, that’s the problem. You can feed him some peas or fish fingers or some cheese or yogurt, we have fresh fruit in there too you can give him for lunch and crackers.”
He left and I took Tristian downstairs and put him in his high chair. I put a bib on him and started to make his lunch. He kept fussing and reaching out for the food.
“I’m getting it,” I said.
Marybeth, the babysitter, was nice to pitch in to help because she made a little snack for Tristian to tie him over until I finished making him his meal.
After I got done with his meal, I put it on his tray and he started eating. He ate it fast. I didn’t realize he was that hungry.
“Boy your baby was sure hungry,” said Marybeth.
“Yeah,” I said.
I left the room and headed back upstairs. I didn’t need to worry about Tristian because Marybeth was there and she would come get me when she needed me.
I was on my computer again when Daddy came in my room. “You shouldn’t be having Marybeth watching Tristian for you, it’s not her job.”
“Why do I need to do all the work? You’re here,” I said.
“I’m working. You can bring your computer down.”
“Okay,” I said.
Daddy stayed and he said “Now.”
“I will,” I said.
I kept reading an article online and then Daddy came closer to me. “I’m going to have to help you then.”
He took my computer. I was forced to get up and I went downstairs. Daddy brought it down and handed it to me.
“Just sit at the table and do your computer.”
Tristian was still eating but he had slowed down. I was reading online when Marybeth said “I think he’s done Natalie.”
I looked at Tristian and he was just sitting there and I saw him moving his plate around and the rest of his food was poured all over on the tray. He even smeared it across with his left hand. His hands were a mess again and his face and his shirt and his bib was a mess.
I did the computer for a couple more minutes and him dropping his plate on the floor is what alerted me to get off the computer to take care of him. I am so slow with transitioning it’s like I have a block inside of my brain.
I picked the plate off the floor and put it in the sink. I got a hand towel and wet it down and cleaned Tristian up. He fussed and cried. I ignored it. I took the bib off him and tossed it in front of the washing machine. Then I took off his dirty clothes and tossed them in front of the machine. I took him upstairs to his room and got him dressed again. Daddy was still working on his computer. Tristian’s bedroom was now like an office for Daddy.
I brought Tristian to my bedroom and closed the door and got my computer. I went in my room again and closed the door and Tristian was playing with a drawer handle on our dresser.
I read more on my computer and I tried to write again but I have been too distracted by the web browser because I always want to read stuff online. I am no longer interested in gaming consoles much nor am I into reading books because all I want to do is computer. I even lose interest in Tristian but I love him very much and I am glad I had him. He was so cute but he was already walking and climbing and already getting into mischief. He will get into anything he can get his hands on and he will make a mess. I never imagined an infant can cause so much trouble and get you so frustrated it’s no wonder some people abuse them. I used to wonder what could an infant do so wrong to piss off someone for them to want to abuse them. All they do is cry and sleep and what else can they do to make you mad? Now I know. It’s when they start to get curious and explore and start to manipulate is when the real fun begins. I had seen Tristian throwing fits young as eight months and he has done some head banging and he loves to hide and he thinks it’s funny when I’m looking for him and he looks at me and smiles as if he is teasing me. I asked Dad if I ever did that and he said I took off but I never took off to hide and laugh when they would find me. I asked if Kelly, Brian, or Matthew did it and Dad said he couldn’t remember.
I guess all babies are different so that doesn’t mean all normal babies play this game. But I wonder if he is going to be a big tease when he is older. I hate teasers but I will make sure to fix that. Daddy says he is just playing with me so he isn’t doing it to make me mad because he is too young to understand that stuff. Infants that young don’t understand feelings but they know enough to see emotions and recognize them but not understand why you’re having them. This is an autism thing but this is actually normal for infants and toddlers. That is why they call it a developmental disorder. If they were four years old and still not understanding, then they would have a problem. But even kids don’t always understand either why adults are feeling a certain way but that is also considered normal because their empathy isn’t fully developed. I wonder what part of me was actually normal growing up. Were they normal at my age growing up or autism symptoms?
But I was worried Tristian might have inherited the teasing gene from me but I sure hope he would know when to stop and have the empathy to do it. As a child I didn’t seem to take notice to how others really felt even though I saw their emotions and their reactions but it was as if I didn’t really understand the affects of my behavior I had on them. They were like objects to me. I even loved to test people to see how they would react. I just wanted to see different reactions because I recognized how everyone was different and not the same and liked different things so I had to test it out. Back then I was just a brat and naughty it alienated me from other kids. I wonder if I really was just a brat and maybe I had that psychopath trait and then I grew out of it.
I also didn’t want Tristian to be like me. I knew he wouldn’t be incontinent and have learning problems like me but I still hope he wouldn’t be like me. I would hate for him to go through what I went through. Plus I don’t think I would stand to be around another me. I would find myself annoying if I had to deal with someone exactly like me so I wouldn’t want to raise myself. I also hope he wouldn’t have regressive autism. Alex never did but he didn’t reach all his milestones either and he has never lost any skills he gained like some autistic children do.
I woke up on Monday morning to Daddy changing me. Today was going to be my first day of work. I felt like I was going back to school again.
“How do you feel about returning to work?” Daddy asked me.
“At least I get to make money again. It feels like my first day of school,” I replied.
Daddy laughed.
“At least there won’t be any school work and listening to lectures,” I said.
I always fell asleep in class and always zoned out and daydreamed because my brain would get tired from listening to all the words and it’s hard to keep up and it’s boring. I wish teachers wouldn’t talk so much and just have us do our school work than making us listen. For some reason I do better listening when it’s one and one but if they are talking to the whole class, I zone out and I don’t even know I am doing it until I realize I can’t remember a word the teacher has said. But yet I can watch documentaries because it’s all visual and not just seeing a person talking and not showing any pictures.
Daddy took my nappy off and started cleaning me up. Then he was rubbing the wipe on my pussy and it felt so good. Then he took the wet nappy away and unfolded the clean one and lifted my legs up again and put it under me. He put rash cream on my bottom and rubbed it in and wiped it on the nappy and put it on. Then he rolled up my used nappy and threw it away in the bathroom and started to get ready for work
I laid in bed and then I heard Tristian crying on the monitor. I didn’t want to leave my cozy bed so I waited to see if he will stop fussing. He was making crying sounds and then would stop. Then I could hear him moving around in his cot and pounding on the rails.
“Our baby is up,” said Daddy.
He still fussed and then I heard Christina come in his room and I heard her talking and then she said “Let’s go to mummy.” She came in our room and handed me to him.
I popped out my boob and gave it to him and he started to nurse and I kept on resting.
Daddy finished getting dressed and he had his teeth brushed and hair washed and then he went downstairs. Tristian kept on moving around in my bed and wouldn’t lay still. I even tried holding him close to me to keep him still. Then he was fussing and squirming to get up so I let him out of bed and had him play while I rested in bed. I knew I wouldn’t be falling back asleep again. I didn’t feel the mental energy to get out of bed.
I had to listen for him and keep looking up see what he was doing. He was behaving good so far. He was walking around and then I got out of bed and went on my computer. It loaded up and I signed into Windows and booted Google Chrome. I checked Wrongplanet and read the posts there. Tristian still played in my room and then he was at the doorway. He started to fuss and I decided it was time to feed him. I closed my computer and took it downstairs with me while I carried Tristian down. I set the computer on the dining room table and then put Tristian in his high chair. Then I got out some Cheerios and put some on his tray. He started to eat them. I opened my laptop again and kept on reading.
Soon Tristian was done eating because he was just throwing them on the floor so I got him out of his high chair and let him play. I sat on the sofa with the computer. I would clean up the mess later. I didn’t have the mental energy to do it so I would make an effort later. I wonder if lot of parents feel this way when raising normal kids. That would explain why there are lazy mums out there who don’t pick up after their kids. I wonder how my mum stayed motivated cleaning up after us. I am sure we made these messes and my mum said I used to toss cereal on the floor and go “uh oh.” I don’t know why I did that but mum said that is just what babies do, they do silly things. I bet it was a game I played by myself. Maybe I liked watching the cereal fall and hitting the floor.
There were toys scattered all over the living room from all the kids. I would have to pick that up later.
Tristian played with toys and then he wanted me to hold him so I did while I used the computer. He kept fussing and wouldn’t sit still so I put my boob to his mouth again to settle him down and it worked.
Then soon he was done nursing and he was back to wanting me to hold him again but wouldn’t settle down. I eventually closed the laptop again and set it on the table and I did some cleaning in the kitchen. I emptied the dishwasher from last night and put in more dirty dishes. I swept the floor and wiped the counters and the table in the kitchen where the kids ate. Then I mopped up spots on the kitchen floor and put the spray mop away. I then picked up the toys and tossed them back in their baskets and only left Tristian’s. I swept and vacuumed the carpets on the main floor. Then I felt the main floor was clean enough. I went back to my computer again.
When it got time to get ready for work again for the first time in a year, I got my work clothes on that were washed a while ago and I brushed my teeth and got my breast pump ready. I also packed my nappy bag. Gailand was taking care of the kids again and Christina came home shortly before I left for work. We already had arrangements made for Tristian. Since it wouldn’t be long before Daddy came home or Christina, Gailand didn’t mind watching him for a bit until she got back and Christina didn’t mind watching him for a bit until Daddy got back.
I walked to the bus stop and waited for the bus. It came just as I got there and I got on and rode it to the nearest station. Then I got off and walked to it.
When I got there I waited for the train. When it came I got on and sat down. I played Shopkins Chef Club on my phone earning points to earn coins. Then I played my 3DS. I did my Daily challenge for Pokemon Picross and I wanted to see if I could get more than 999 picrites or if it stops at 999. I had already did all the puzzles and had done all the challenges but I still had the alternate world to do but you didn’t win anything from that world from doing challenges. After I got done with the daily challenge, I got out of the game and played Pokemon Shuffle to earn experience points for my Pokemon to level them up. I had been working on it for the past year. I had all my Pokemon leveled up from level 5 to 10 but most of them were already leveled up to 6 and I was working on each Pokemon at a time to level up. After I used five hearts, I quit and looked at my other games I had. Then I put my 3DS away and took out my phone and went to Kindle. I read a book I was currently reading. When my stop came, I got off and waited for the next train.
I finally arrived at work and got off at the station there. I put my ticket through the machine and went up the escalators. Then I had to walk to the building I worked in. I had to go to the basement and clock in and hang up my stuff in the locker room but I took my nappy bag and breast pump with me to the 11th floor I worked on. I went to my closet to find my cart. It was still there thank god. You see I hate it when people mess with my stuff and move it because it makes me anxious and gives me anxiety because then I have to go look for it and it messes everything up for me. I don’t mind if someone uses my stuff but they better return it and I don’t mind is they move it out of the way but it better be kept in the closet and not moved to another spot and they better put it back. I got my cart and I started to pick up rubbish all over the floor. I emptied out the wastebaskets I mean. It felt weird being back at work after a year. The barrel got full so I had to empty it out and put in a new dust liner and I continued picking up rubbish. When I got done, I had to haul it down to the bottom level and put them in the skip. Then I went back up to the 11th floor and started my dusting. I dust a section every night so I don’t do the whole thing every day. I eventually had to change my nappy so I did in the toilets and then I threw the nappy away in the trash for me to collect later.
My boobs got very full so I pumped them during my break. I did it in one of the cubicles because they had an outlet for me to use and it was very comfy because I could sit and the closet was very uncomfortable because no way am I sitting on the floor. The bottles filled up pretty quickly and I put the tops on them and stuck them inside my breast bump bag with the ice packs. I left it in the closet and continued my work.
It was pitch black out by the time I got done with my work. I emptied out the mop bucket and I also put my cart away and got my stuff and went back down to the basement level. I went to the breakroom and got my coat out of the locker.
It may seem like I am the only one working here but there are many others who work here in the building at night but we each have our own floor. Many of them work full time while I only work part time. Daddy wouldn’t mind if I didn’t work but then I feel like a burden if I don’t but everyone says I am not one because I have Tristian to take care of and I do housework but I still feel I have too much time on my hands so I work and I like earning my own money so I feel good about myself than lazy and a burden.
I headed back to the tube station after I left the building. I played Pokemon Go. I got some items from a Pokestop at the station. There were a bunch of them all over London and all over where I work. Then a few Pokemon appeared so I caught them and then exited the game since there were no more appearing. Plus it drains the battery quickly. I played Miitomo next. I did all my missions as the train came and I finished after I got on it and was already going. Then I went to Kindle and started reading. But I got tired on the way because I was resting my eyes and I didn’t want to drop my phone so I put it away and laid my head against the window.
When my stop came I got off and waited for the next train and got on and rode it back home and then I got off and I didn’t want to wait for the bus so I walked home because it would be faster. I walked as fast as I could so I could get home quicker and I was starving.
I arrived home and Daddy had food made for me because he had it in the fridge. I put my breastmilk in there and got out my dinner. My computer was still on the dining room table so I got on it while I ate. Another thing about Alex not being here means I don’t have to wake up early anymore unless Tristian wakes me up but I don’t have to bring him to school yet.
One of my secrets is I don’t really miss him and that is something I will never admit because it’s frowned upon. He was violent with me and I feared him and worried for Tristian’s life and with him dead, I don’t have to worry about him anymore like how I will take care of him and the baby and how I will handle the stress and I don’t have to worry about visiting him in the group home if he got placed there. Plus I have noticed how much better I was doing because of less stress so I was doing better. I realize now most of my problems were anxiety related and anxiety does affect my brain and how I function. But Daddy understands how I feel so he doesn’t judge me for it. I still had yet more of his stuff to get rid of but I would do it someday. I will still keep the photos because he was my son and I don’t want to erase him from my life. I will hang onto his furniture and the sheets and the bed and maybe his toys for Tristian to use when he is older and keep the tablet. I still wish he wasn’t so aggressive with me though and trying to hurt Tristian. I don’t think Daddy can blame me for how I feel.
I stayed up till two in the morning and went to bed. Daddy used to have a bedtime rule for me but he hasn’t enforced them on me again yet since I got back into the Daddy and little girl stuff. It just hit me one day just like that after months of having no interest in it.
I slept through getting my nappy changed because I couldn’t remember being changed that morning. I fed Tristian and did my usual stuff in the day time and my computer. Then Gailand came home with the kids and she was still here when I left for work. I didn’t turn on Pokemon Go until I got close to the station because they had a Pokestop there so I got some more balls and a few items and caught a couple of Pokemon and exited the game.
The train came and I got on and I read my book on my phone and then rested until we got to my stop where I had to switch trains. I opened my game again to check for Pokemon. There were no stops here so I couldn’t get any more items.
When the train arrived I got on again and rested more and then got off at my stop. I collected more items from the Pokestop there. I collected a few Pokemon on the way and got some more items from each Pokestop I passed by. I even got some in the building too and then I turned the game off and went to the break room to clock in. I hung my coat up in my locker and went up to my floor and started working again. I did my normal routine and did my pumping break in one of the cubicles and when my job ended, I went back to the breakroom and clocked out and left and collected more items from the Pokestops. I got some Pokemon on the way. This is how I play the game. I play it as I go, I don’t leave the house to play it.
Chapter 2
The next day I did my normal day as usual and then I had to get ready for work again. I didn’t even feel like working but I had to go to work. I knew I could just quit my job but I didn’t want to do that. I knew the reason why I didn’t feel like working was because I didn’t want to leave my computer but at least I will get more streetpasses and more Pokemon and maybe I will catch some new ones and I will get more items and get more streaks and after seven of them, I get bonus experience points. I got all my things and left the house again. On the way I noticed I didn’t have my phone so I had to stop and look for it and I even got on the ground and took everything out of my purse even the nappies not even caring who sees them. No one cares about that stuff so that is why I am not even embarrassed about them being seen. After looking in my bag after I had taken everything out, I put them all back in and had to head back home for my phone.
I went inside and looked around and I even used Gailand’s mobile phone to find it and it was in the dining room where I left it on the buffet. I thought I stuck it in my purse. I thanked Gailand for letting me use her phone to find mine and left again. Because I had to get my phone, I had missed my bus so I waited for the next bus. I was not going to walk all that way to the station and the boss is hardly ever at the building so it wouldn’t matter if I was a little late to work. The bus came again and I got on it and rode it to the station and got off there and walked. I got more items and caught a Pokemon and then exited the game. I played on my 3DS and then the train came and I got on.
I was pretty close to work when all of a sudden we stopped moving and the train was still. People started talking. I looked at the time and I saw I was already late to work. Oh well, I now had an excuse for being late and there was no signal down here so I couldn’t make the call to let him know I will be late. But that didn’t matter because he is barely even at work.
The voice on the intercom came on. “Attention passengers, there has been an attack at Canningham Station so we will be waiting here.”
That was where I always got off for work. I wondered what was going on there.
I read on my Kindle again while other people talked. Then I heard a guy shouting saying “Hey can you take us to the nearest station and let us off?”
“Oh my god,” a woman said sounding like she was panicking. “There is breaking news. There has been a bombing at the Cunningham Station.”
I looked up and she was looking on her phone. “Oh my god, it’s in the tallest building too. Oh my god, nine people reported killed so far.”
Tallest building, that was where I work.
I wondered what was going on.
“Oh my god,” I heard more people saying.
“Oh shit,” said a guy. “Dude, if we had been on one earlier train, we might have been in that bombing.”
“I can’t believe how fast this shows up in the news,” said another person.
With internet now, of course it will show up within an hour after the incident once reported. All the journalists have to do is write the article online and post it on the news site for everyone to read.
“Oh god I really have to go to the toilet, how much longer will they be making us wait,” said another lady.
I wasn’t sure how long we waited for but when I looked at the time on my phone, we had been waiting for an hour now and we were stuck.
Then I heard more commotion and a lady saying again. “I really had to go and I wasn’t going to wet myself.”
I looked and it was that same lady who said she had to go to the toilet and she had crouched down on the floor by the door and peed and then she pulled them back up. People around here were saying there was piss on the floor and to not step there. Then another person shouted again hitting the call button. “Someone just pissed on the train, when will we be moving again?”
The lady who had taken a piss looked to be maybe older than me but not middle aged so I wasn’t sure how old she was. Maybe in her thirties like me.
I was so glad to be wearing nappies but I hoped we would be moving soon before I needed to change but good thing I always change before leaving for work. I just hoped I wouldn’t mess myself because that makes me leak sooner and I wouldn’t want to be stuck on this train in a messy nappy.
I also hooked my phone up to my charge stick to charge my phone so it would last longer. I played Sonic Jump Fever on my phone and then I did Shopkins Chef Club and did Miitomo to pass time.
I also went on Facebook and posted “Stuck in the tube and some lady took a piss on the train because she couldn’t hold it and they are making us sit here.”
I looked at the posts on my wall and read articles people shared. I also read anti Trump posts people were posting. I saw one posted by Kelly. Lot of people hate him and I see him as the next Hitler. I wonder if Rosie is still moving to Canada. She said she would if Trump won and Mum is going along with it because she is being supportive even though she thinks we will be fine because we survived Bush and Nixon and Reagan. She also doubts Trump will ruin their own country because it takes more than the President to make new laws and the only way he can kick out Muslims and immigrants and make a Muslim registry is if the republicans vote for it but I hear even they don’t want him in office either and in fact only 23% voted for him and the 27% voted for Clinton and the majority voted for neither. Trump only won due to electoral votes and there have been big major protests and there was even a riot that all started in Portland, Oregon and then other towns did it. That was where my Dad worked when we lived in the US. But god Trump is worse than Bush and Nixon because it was never like this but when Bush won, there were still protests but it was never this bad. There was also some protesting about Obama when he won but it was never this bad.
There are lot of games about Trump in the Google Store and they are all funny I have even played some of them and then deleted them. One of the games I played was I had to walk through the streets and avoid being beaten by people and avoid getting hit with any objects. Then there was another game where you get to punch him and see how fast you can punch him and how big a mark you can leave on his face. Then there was another game where you had to avoid getting punched by angry people. I also played a game where I had to build the wall as high as I can without dropping any blocks or I am fired. There are lot of hilarious Trump games in the Google Play store and all of them are free. There was even a game where I had to defend my country by keeping out immigrants who were trying to enter the country and letting three in got me a game over.
I saw a game in the Google Store called Try And Get Into The US. I looked at it and read the description and I would be playing an immigrant and I try to get into the US without getting caught. I downloaded it onto my phone. While I waited for the downloading to finish, my nappy grew warm and it spread throughout the bottom of the nappy. The feeling lasted about twenty seconds and then it stopped and I felt all warm and damp in my crotch and then I felt dry again. It was a good thing I always changed my nappies before going to work. I had on a clean one when I got ready and now it was already wet.
I checked out Pokemon Go again for a few seconds and exited the game again.
More people shouted into the intercom at the train driver about wanting to move. It was getting chaotic in here and I had just seen another person had peed by the door because she was pulled her trousers up. This was bad. I wondered if anyone peed before leaving their homes just like how I always change before leaving for work. But no one was expecting this to happen so of course no one would stop at a toilet to pee or before leaving their residence. But luckily not many people had peed on the train but I heard some comments that it was already smelling and people refusing to stand in those two spots. I figured maybe those people had weak bladders and couldn’t hold it. I wonder how they manage to do it when out in public and they can’t find a toilet? Maybe they should be wearing nappies when they leave their home.
I looked at the time again and saw it had been over two hours already. My phone was down to 91% and even though it was still charging, the battery was still going down because I was using more power and the charge couldn’t keep up so it was making the battery drain very slowly. It was better to have my phone last as long as possible. I turned my phone off into sleep mode and put it away and took out my 3DS.
I played Pokemon daily challenge again on Pokemon Picross. When I finished the challenge I exited out of the game and did Pokemon Shuffle. I always hoarded hearts and coins so I had maximum amount and maximum hearts. I did the challenge where the level goes up every time I defeat the Pokemon and I get prizes when I make it past a certain level.
When I got tired of the game, I exited out of it and picked another game to play.
Then I heard a guitar and people singing. I looked up and I saw a group of guys singing and they were slapping their hands on the seats and walls and poles while one of them was playing the guitar and they were also dancing. People started to clap along as they listened.
I also heard other music playing on the other side of the train. I noticed another person was playing on their cell phone and it was some puzzle game where you crush blocks when you line them up with the same color.
“What an adventure,” said the man sitting right next to me on the left.
“Careful there is piss in this cup,” said another guy’s voice a few seats over right of me.
“Yeah that’s right, I had to go so I went in this cup, one of the good advantages of being a guy while the women had to squat and pull down their trousers,” he said again to another lady.
“Dude you have a 3DS,” said another young man sitting right next to me on the right.
“Yeah,” I said.
“I have one too, what games do you have for it?”
I showed him all my games. I also showed him my junk folder where I kept stuff I didn’t even use.
“Dude, why do you have that stuff in there?” he asked.
“I don’t use them and have no use for them,” I said.
“Why not just delete Amiibo Friends?” he asked.
“Because I only play it whenever I get a new Amiibo,” I replied.
“You don’t use Download Play?”
“I have no one to play with so I don’t need it,” I said.
“Dude we can play together,” he said.
“Really?” I asked.
He showed me his 3DS and showed me what he had on it and then he showed me his psychical cartridges.
“Do you want to play?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said.
I couldn’t resist the experience.
“Do you like Zelda?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“Ever played Triforce Heroes?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to play it, I have the game with me.”
“Okay,” I said.
He put the game in his system and put the other game back in his case.
“What was that other game you had?” I asked.
“Oh it was a Pokemon Moon game,” and he showed it to me. “Do you play it?”
“No,” I said.
“It’s a fun game, you should get it some time.”
He went to the game and told me to go to Download Play.
I did and he told me to tap on 3DS when he tells me he is ready.
I waited for him and then he told me to tap on it. The game showed up on my screen and I tapped it and then it downloaded onto my system and the game got set up and we started to play together.
Being stuck on the train wasn’t bad after all. Everyone was entertaining themselves and each other and having fun. People were dancing, some were playing instruments and making their own sounds, someone was playing music loudly for others to listen to, people were talking or playing on their phones and I was playing a game with another stranger.
“Attention passengers, we will be trying to get everyone off this train soon, thank you for your patience,” said the intercom.
“We have been stuck on this train for two hours and twenty five minutes now,” I heard someone say.
“Awesome, you guys have a 3DS,” said another person. We looked up and it was another woman and she had a nose ring and purple hair and she was chubby but she had on tattoos and she took out her 3DS and waved it at us saying “I have one too.”
“We’re doing download play, want to join us?” the man asked.
“Sure,”
“We’re almost done here.”
Me and the guy finished the level and then decided what game to play next.
“I have Mario Party Star Rush,” I said.
I went to the game and showed it to them and pressed multiplayer. I had two options of Download Play and Local Wireless.
“Do you want to play that?” the man asked.
“Awesome,” said the lady.
I went to Download Play and they went to their Download Play and then they showed up on my screen and I selected begin. I was back on the main menu screen and I selected a game to play. I did Toad Scramble. That is my favorite one. I selected Toadette as my character and I waited for the other two to select theirs and then the game automatically selected a COM character. We started the game and we played.
No one ever got us off this train nor had the train ever moved but I was having too much fun to even care. I got lucky for forgetting my phone or else I wouldn’t have been able to have this fun gaming experience.
“Oh my god, there has been another attack at Canningham,” said another person who was looking on her phone.
More people gave her attention about it and she started to read the article out loud.
I tried listening to it but it was hard to hear with some people talking around me and the music playing. I decided to finish my game first before checking it out on my phone.
“Attention passengers, I don’t know how long it’s going to be until we can move again or when we get everyone off this train, there has been a bombing at the Canningham Station and in other buildings there including Canningham Square. Police are there and so are the paramedics looking for survivors and there have been reported deaths already.”
“Sorry, I gotta look at this,” said the purple haired lady.
She closed her system and took out her phone and looked on there. I sat and waited and she said “Oh hold crap. These fucking Muslims are at it again.”
“Lady, you don’t know who did it and they never said anything about it being a terrorist attack,” said the other lady. “That’s racist.”
“I’m racist?” the purple haired woman asked. “How am I being racist if this is what they did?”
“You don’t know they did it, that is just your assumption.”
“Not all Muslims bomb dude,” said the other guy.
“But every terrorist attack is a Muslim,” she pointed out. “How often are they going to attack us?”
“Why would they do it at this time of day?” said the 3DS guy.
The purple haired lady ranted on about Muslims and how much she hates them and how she wanted them all out of our country.
“Hey I know many people who are Muslim and they wouldn’t appreciate your hate,” said the other person pointing his finger at her.
“They can just choose to not be Muslim,” she said.
“Just stop it, not all of them believe in this. None of them do whom I know,” said the person again.
“If you look at the statistics it will show that many terrorist attacks were done by Muslims and this is why the new US president banned seven Muslim countries from entering the US to avoid something like this.”
“Has there been statistics showing how many of them there are and how many of them do this?” the guy asked again.
Her Muslim hate was bothering me but I was too afraid to say anything. I wanted to yell “shut up.” I can’t stand hearing any racism or any phobia speech. I was so glad I didn’t have to deal with her and I didn’t know her. I would hate to know a bigot. Sadly I deal with one online because I found out too late he was one so I try to avoid any bigot topics he brings up and not argue with him about it. If I had known from the beginning what his beliefs were, I would have quit talking to him.
Then I heard a couple people were talking about Trump and how he did the Muslim ban and a ban on immigration for 120 days. I was so glad to be an American citizen but I keep thinking about renouncing it so I wouldn’t have to still pay US taxes and I wasn’t from one of the countries Trump banned to keep from entering the US. I am sure Tristian is a US citizen because I was born in the US and a US Citizen but my step son was not nor Daddy. Dad gave up his US citizenship because he didn’t want to keep paying American taxes but I kept mine but keep thinking about renouncing mine but I was born there so it would feel weird to not be part of them anymore when it had been my home for my whole life. I wonder if Tristian would have to pay US taxes when he starts employment. I wouldn’t have to worry about that until he gets to the age when he is legally to work.
“Fuck Trump,” said another person sitting somewhere left of me. She sounded American.
I was sure lot of people on this train were filled with immigrants because London is filled with them. I hear different accents all the time and different languages and I see different races. I can easily pass as British because of how I speak now and I’m white. No one would guess I was born and raised in the US unless I started talking about my American life and saying I lived there.
The purple haired woman had lost interest in the game because she never resumed and the game on my 3DS was interrupted so I had to close out of it. I looked on my phone again and it was fully charged and the charger stick was off. I went on google and typed in ‘london bombing at Canningham’ and there it was. I read about it and it just happened right after my shift would have started and at the time when Canningham Square got attacked, I would have been working in it and if I had not forgotten my phone, I would have been in that building and possibly gotten killed or hurt. I felt so lucky. I was so glad to be stuck on this train instead. I wondered if Steven was worried about me. He will know I am okay once I arrive home. I couldn’t send any text messages without any phone signal but I still had internet because we get it through our provider and it’s connected to our mobile phones. But I was using up the minutes because I wasn’t connected to any service so it was just minutes I was using.
Then I felt my nappy getting filled with poop. I could feel it expanding and poop pressing on my skin while I was farting. I felt it spreading to the front and back and when I moved my body I could feel it spreading. Luckily it didn’t feel too big but it was big enough for it to spread in the front and back. Then I felt my nappy getting wet again and the pee spreading further to the front.
I hoped this train would get moving soon. People were still talking and entertaining themselves and some were fanning their faces because it was hot on this train. I took my coat off and held it in front of me.
I didn’t feel too embarrassed because I was used to messing myself and I quit caring what others would think. I didn’t dare to look at anyone. Hopefully they wouldn’t know it was me and would think someone just farted. Now I hoped I wouldn’t leak because there is a difference being in a messy nappy at home or out in public and being stuck in a place where there are no toilets and not being able to leave. I didn’t want to be changing in front of everyone but what were they going to do, arrest me for needing a clean nappy or else I would leak all over? Will they arrest the others for peeing on the train? I am sure there had been others who had peed on the train since then and others peeing in cups or bottles. I wondered if anyone else on the train had nappies on because they were also incontinent like me or had bladder problems or because they were AB/DL. At least they had something to go in.
I heard the guitar guy playing a Beatles tune “Here Comes the Sun” and it reminded me of the song I used to hear a lot as a kid when we would play The Abby Road album and then the man started to sing the song. He knew the lyrics to the song. I wondered if he was a Beatles fan. I had most of their albums, lot of them were ripped but I didn’t listen to CDs anymore because I could get them on youtube and listen to them there and listen to any song I wanted to hear.
I thought of the real Beatles song while the guy sang it. I preferred the original version even though he was doing a good job with the song.
Music was still playing at the back of the train and I could hear “Every Breath You Take” by The Police.
Another person had music blaring through their headphones and I couldn’t make out what the song was. It was just noise and words were a blur and the song.
Soon the song ended at the back of the train and then “You Spin Me Round” started playing.
I stayed in the nappy and focused on my 3DS while feeling the mess inside. No one said anything to me about the smell and I hoped no one smelled it because I could smell it sometimes. I wished I had on thicker nappy and a booster inside but I didn’t know this was going to happen. I caught myself rocking. Now I was starting to get anxious about being stuck on the train. I thought about getting up and calling the help button and saying I needed to get off the train and to get someone here now because I need to change my nappy or I will leak all over and get rashes.
I waited a little long and then people were also starting to get impatient because I saw a group of guys pounding on the door and trying to open them.
“This is ridiculous, they shouldn’t leave us here,” said one of the guys. “People have plans, some need to be home with their families. There is no phone signal in this tunnel so we have no way of calling anyone letting them know what is going on.”
They sounded unBritish because of their accents.
“Hey man they can always watch the news and they will know what’s going on,” said another person.
“But we still shouldn’t be kept on this train, they said they were going to get us out of here and we have been waiting and waiting,” said the guy again.
“Yeah some people might have to go pee and will end up going on this train again or some might have medical needs to take care of and can’t do it here,” I said.
“Ohhhh that is what the smell is,” I thought I heard someone say but I ignored it because I wasn’t sure if it was just me imagining it.
The guys started to pound at the door again and trying to pry it open to get out so they could walk out of the tunnel.
Oh no, were they crazy? They are going to fry if they touch the electric track and were they even going to fit between the wall and the train?
A bunch of guys were grabbing at the center of the doors trying to pull them open.
“Hey you can’t pull those open,” said another lady.
“Will you please let go of the door,” said the voice on the intercom.
The guys yelled again saying things like.
“Dude we have been waiting for nearly four hours now.”
“We want off this train, when will we start moving again?”
“Fuck you dude, we want off this fucking train, it’s hot in here.”
“Open the doors and let us off.”
“I can’t let you off in this tunnel,” said the voice again.
“What the fuck man? I am sick of being trapped on this train and people have been pissing in here.”
“And it smells like shit in here because it smells like someone pooped their pants,” said another person near me.
“I’m very sorry, I wish I could do more but I can’t. I am still waiting,” said the voice.
Then things started to get more crazy. The guys kept grabbing at the doors again and other people were trying to pull them off and they were shouting they will get electrocuted if they go out there. But the men wouldn’t budge. People were working together to keep those two men away from the door.
I started to feel anxious. It was hot on this train, and I had taken off my coat and some people were fanning papers in front of their faces. All the people on the train were making it hot and I was sweating.
I bet those men were going crazy because they couldn’t stand being trapped and they were panicking. People had to work together to tackle those men.
I saw someone was holding up their mobile phone I assume were filming the whole thing and I bet it was going to go on Youtube or go on Facebook and I imagined the video going viral.
I took out my phone again and went to camera and turned it to video and started to record everyone on the train. I also planned to put it on Facebook for everyone to see what was going on.
By the time I had gotten the video started, the men had just quit trying to pry open the doors and people were blocking it telling them if they try and go out in the tracks, they will be electrocuted to death and they will be fried.
I looked at the other people and by then no one was interacting and people were just sitting still but music was still playing and the man was no longer playing his guitar and the other guys were not making their own music with him and no one was clapping with the music. The guy right by me was no longer playing his 3DS.
I filmed the whole cabin for four minutes and then I turned it off and went to my Facebook and selected Live but found out it wouldn’t let me post any videos and I would have to do it live so I decided to do nothing. I put on Facebook instead “Still waiting to get off this train and some people had started to go crazy other people had to tackle them away from the doors. Damn bombers.”
I felt pissed about this whole thing, not because of the bombers, but because they left us here and they couldn’t even be bothered to back up the train or just let us go to the next station to let us off unless there was another train up ahead that was trapping us. Why couldn’t they just send someone to rescue us or just tell them to turn off the track and let us out so we can walk?
I was also starting to panic. I rocked back and forth. I did not like being trapped on this train and I really needed a new nappy and I also felt I was starting to go crazy. I really needed a new nappy and it was very wet and messy.
I waited ten more minutes and then I shot out of my seat and walked to an open area and put my stuff down and opened my backpack and took out the clean wipes and a nappy and rash cream. I pulled down my trousers.
I couldn’t believe I was doing this. No one tried to stop me. I didn’t look at anyone and I just faced the window while I had my trousers and shoes off and was wiping myself down there. I felt silence around me and people talking saying there was a lady on here exposing her messy ass to everyone. I didn’t care. Maybe this will get them to send help here quicker. They didn’t have to be watching me if they didn’t want to see this and they can even close their eyes if they have to and if the police try to arrest me for exposing myself I will just tell them why I did it and how it’s no different than people pulling their pants down to piss on the train. I peed a little bit while I was cleaning myself up so I wiped the urine off my legs and I kept wiping until there was no more poop. Then I put rash cream on and wiped my fingers again and then unfolded the clean nappy and put it on leaning against the door and I didn’t look at anyone as I put it on. Then I pulled up my trousers and wrapped up my used nappy with wipes and put it in my backpack and wiped my hands again and put the wipes back in there and the rash cream and zipped it up.
I still felt eyes on me but I sat back in my seat feeling nervous.
No one said anything. I wondered if they felt bad for me or embarrassed for me. I am sure they knew I was incontinent and I didn’t have a choice or else I would have leaked all over and gotten a terrible infection. I did feel better being in a clean nappy again and my anxiety was less severe.
I kept my head down in my seat not looking at anyone. No one asked me about my problem or gave me comfort. It was like they didn’t care.
“Attention passengers, we have help on the way so thank you for your patience and keeping calm,” said the voice on the speakers.
I bet people were happy. I was relieved.
We waited and I kept still and I took out my phone again and tried reading again but kept getting distracted by thoughts in my head about the bombing and the train being stuck.
Soon, I saw some men arriving and they had on uniforms. They came in through the back door from the other cabin.
No one batted an eye at them and no one was getting up. Instead they were talking to someone on their radios and then they got closer and then they were talking to some passengers and then a person pointed at me.
They got right in front of me and said “Miss, can you come with us please.”
I got up and wore my backpack on my back and my breast bump around my right shoulder and I carried my coat. They had a hold of me as they escorted me off the train. We walked through the cabins and to the last cabin and they took me out the back door. I read their shirts and it said Police.
“Why am I the only one getting off the train and not everyone else?” I asked.
“We got a report about you exposing yourself and you were identified.”
“I wasn’t exposing myself, I am incontinent you see and I really needed a change or else I would have gotten an infection and leaked all over and it was no different than other people peeing on the train,” I explained.
“That is why we need to look at your mental health,” they said. “Keep following us.”
“There is nothing wrong with my mental health,” I said. “Unless you want to count anxiety and my brain damage but I am only injured from the car accident I was in as a child and that left me incontinent and brain damage so I have learning problems.”
“We’ll get that sorted at the hospital,” they said.
They didn’t say anything else.
We kept walking and I was careful to not touch the third rail but they said it was fine and it won’t shock me because it’s not on and he touched the rail with his foot and leg and nothing happened. I touched it with my foot and nothing.
They kept a hold of me and I kept walking with them.
“Ow, not so hard,” I said.
“We’re not trying to hurt you miss,” said the officer.
“Just hold my shirt,” I said.
“We can’t do that miss.”
“Then not so hard then.”
We kept walking and then we were out of the tunnel and we walked to the nearest station and they escorted me onto the platform and brought me to the ambulance.
This was crazy. I wasn’t sick and they were treating me like I was crazy, over changing a nappy?
I let them put me in there and then the paramedics drove off and took me to the nearest hospital. I didn’t say anything. If they want to waste their time and waste money on me, their problem, not mine.
I wasn’t scared. Were they going to arrest me for changing a nappy because I was stuck on the train where there were no toilets? This felt like discrimination on the incontinence. You can urinate in public if you aren’t wearing nappies but if are incontinent and need to change, this happens. It must be illegal to change a nappy in an emergency situation.
When we got to the hospital, I was escorted off and brought into the hospital. I was placed in the room by myself. I didn’t know what to expect. I called Daddy. He didn’t answer his phone so I called Christina’s phone.
Someone picked up. “Hello?” said a voice.
“Christina?” I asked.
“Natalie?”
“You’re up, I thought you would be sleeping.”
“No we were all worried and you’re okay, where are you?”
“In the hospital.”
“In the hospital? What happened?”
“I changed my nappy on the train because we were stuck and had been for a few hours and I really needed to change.”
“So you did it there?” Christina interrupted. “You exposed yourself to everyone?”
“Other people had peed on the train and I really needed to change so I did it there but apparently it’s only okay or urinate in front of people when you’re trapped but if you need a new nappy, you are to leak all over and get infections. That is discrimination.”
“Oh no,” said Christina. She sounded really sad for me.
“Steven, it’s your wife, she’s okay,” said Christina.
I heard him in the background and Christina saying “She is calling from a hospital.”
Then Steven was on the phone.
“Natalia, I was so worried about you, I thought you had died in the bombing when they reported people being in the building at the time it happened,” he said.
“No I wasn’t there when it happened because I forgot my phone luckily,” I said. “Hey I’m in the hospital.”
“I know, Christina told me. What happened, are you hurt?”
“No I was brought here because I changed my nappy. I really needed it and no one was coming to rescue us and they were taking too long and my nappy couldn’t wait but yet it’s okay to pee on the train but not change your nappy.”
“Do you know which hospital you are at?” Daddy asked.
“No,” I said.
We talked and I told him about the train and how hot it got and how crazy some people got and how some other people had to pull the guys away from the doors because they were trying to get out in the tracks. I also told him about me playing my 3DS with two other people and people singing and playing music and everyone just kept calm but some people got upset and some guys went crazy by trying to pry open the door.
“What did people say when you were changing your nappy?” Daddy asked.
“Nothing,” I said.
“Can I talk to them?”
“No because I am not there anymore.”
“No I mean to the people at the hospital.”
“No one is with me right now.”
“We’ll stay on the phone and I’ll wait.”
I put my phone on speaker and took out my 3DS again.
Then soon the door opened again and a few nurses walked in.
“They just walked in,” I said to Daddy.
“Put them on?”
I picked up the phone and turned off speaker, “my husband wants to talk to you guys,” I said.
They took the phone from me and started talking and asked him some questions like what medications I am on and if I have any medical conditions and anything they should be aware of.
“Uh uh, uh uh,” one of the nurses was saying. “I see. Oh okay. We will take care of her and let you know.”
Then she hung up and gave the phone back to me. “You have a very good husband.”
I was escorted out of the room by her and a male nurse and brought to a lift and up to one of the floors and brought to a room with a bed and night stand and cupboard.
“We have this for you to wear if you want to change into it,” said the nurse showing me them from the cupboard. “There is another blanket if you need it.”
She closed the cupboard and the pointed to the call button, “the button is there if you need anything. Due do hospital policy, we are required to take anything sharp from you or anything that can be used as a weapon to harm yourself.”
“I don’t have anything,” I said.
I gave them my breast bump and my backpack for them to check.
One of the nurses opened it and took out my stuff and she didn’t say anything about my nappies or my used one.
“Rubbish can is right there,” she pointed and then she washed her hands in the bathroom.
She finished checking everything and decided I didn’t have anything sharp or anything dangerous to take and they let me keep everything.
“We will have a doctor come see you soon. Call if you need anything.”
I didn’t think they would have any chargers for me to use so I didn’t ask for those.
“How long will I be in here for?” I asked.
“You were sent here for exposure and a mental evaluation has been called so you will be staying the night here. You will be served breakfast in the morning and a psychiatrist will be sent to evaluate you,” the male nurse explained.
“But how long will I be here?” I asked again.
“We don’t know. If the doctor thinks you can be released you will be let out of here,” said the female nurse. “Call us if there is anything you need, the call button is right there,” she pointed again.
They left and I took my used nappy out of my backpack and put it in the tiny rubbish bin and got my breast bump set up and I pumped my milk and poured the milk in the sink and rinsed out the bottles and let them air dry. I stripped off all my clothes and I was going to shower but saw there was no soap and shampoo so I hit the call button.
“Yes.”
“I want to take a shower, do you guys have any shampoo?”
“We’ll get you some.
“And I need towels,” I said.
“Okay.
I waited in the bathroom and then the door opened and they handed the stuff to me. I thanked them and I set a towel on the floor and put the soap and shampoo and conditioner in the shower. I set my towel on the toilet and took off my nappy and set it there. I turned the water on and got in. I washed my hair and body and turned the shower off. It felt so good to be cleaned. I dried off and put my nappy back on and left the bathroom and I realized I didn’t have a hair brush. I doubt they had those here. I put on the hospital gown and brushed my hair using my fingers. My hair looks nice anyway even without it brushed.
I looked out the window and saw the lights and buildings I closed the shades and grabbed the blanket from the cupboard and climbed into bed with my phone and I turned off the light. I decided to ask for a pad for my nappy.
I hit the call button again.
“Yes.”
“Do you have a bed pad I can use, the one that catches any liquids.”
“Hold on.”
I waited and then soon someone came to the door and it opened and I got out of bed and it was a nurse carrying the pad in her arms She pulled the blankets and flat sheets off and placed the pad down on the bed and it was pretty big. It was washable. Then she was done and I thanked her and laid back down.
That way if I leaked, they would only have to change the bed pad and I wouldn’t have to worry about wet sheets and a wet mattress. I wet my nappy again while I was crawling back into bed.
I read on my phone but decided I needed to save power so I turned the phone off completely and turned out the light and tried to go to sleep.
Chapter 3
I woke up later and it was still dark out and I remembered I was in the hospital. I wondered if the door was locked so I got out of bed and opened it and it opened. I closed it again. I guess they were not worried about their mental patients escaping unless they had cameras and kept the doors locked that led outside the psychiatric unit.
I didn’t know what time it was so I opened my 3DS and saw the time. It was 3:07.
I shut the system off to save power and changed my nappy again and went back to bed.
I tried going back to sleep but couldn’t get back to sleep. I always have problems staying asleep.
I felt too shy to call the help button again to ask for any magazines or books to read or to even see if they have a charger for me to use. I turned on my phone again and checked my Facebook.
I checked the posts on my wall and there were still a lot of Trump news and I wasn’t sure what ones were fake and I felt too lazy to check for sources. Then I went to Wrongplanet. Then I was done and I played Shopkins Chef Club and then did Miitomo and went to Kindle and started reading again. I still used my charger stick to make my phone last longer. Then around five am I tried going back to sleep again.
A couple hours later a new nurse came in the room. I lifted my head and she emptied out the rubbish and took my two used nappies and put in a new liner.
“Is there anything you need?”
“When will I be getting out of here?” I asked.
“I will check.”
She left and I waited for her and soon she came back and told me what was going on. I was brought here by the city police because I had done an offense and my husband had been spoken too when I was brought in and they are going to check with my doctor and have a psychiatrist come here to talk to me and decide if I need to stay or be released.
“I’m bored here,” I said.
“I can bring you books to read or some magazines or puzzles.”
“Sure,” I said.
She left and I called my husband.
“Hello?” he said.
“Daddy.”
“Hi Natalia.”
“What are you going to do about Tristian?” I asked.
“I called my work and told my boss what happened and he was understanding so I am off work right now. They did call me and told me what was happening. I can’t believe you changed your nappy on the train.”
“I had no choice or I would have leaked and gotten rashes,” I said. “Other people have peed on the train or in cups because they also had no choice.”
“I understand.”
“I didn’t want to do it but I had no choice. They were taking too long to get us and my nappy wouldn’t be able to wait.”
“I know honey, that is why I am not upset. You waited for how long?”
“Three hours,” I said.
“Okay, you didn’t know how long it was going to be. I am sure they will understand and release you once they find out you are not a danger to everyone.”
“It’s not like I always change my nappies in public,” I said.
“I know honey but they didn’t know that. Lot of people don’t wear nappies so they called for emergency because they didn’t know if you were crazy.”
“They never heard of being incontinent? What do they think adult nappies are for? Babies and elderlies?”
“Lot of people don’t wear them so no one is going to think of a person wearing them and they are often associated with the handicapped and dementia and small children under three and you pulled your trousers down and showed everyone your dirty nappy and your bare bottom.”
“But they still could have at least assumed I am incontinent and had no place to change and I really needed it or else leak all over and get rashes.”
Then the door opened and the nurse walked back in with some activity books and magazines and she gave me a pencil to use. She set them on my bed and left.
“You guys don’t have any chargers here do you for my phone?” I said.
“No, we don’t,” said the nurse.
“That’s what I thought.”
“Do you want anything to eat?”
“Not right now,” I said.
“Okay, call if you need anything,” and she left again.
“That was the nurse,” I said to Daddy. “She gave me some stuff to read and some activity books so I am not bored.”
“Call me when you can come home,” he said. “I will be here waiting, I can even come get you if you would like.”
“Sure,” I said. “I will let you know when they release me.”
We hung up and I did a word search and that kept me busy.
Soon I changed my nappy again and I was down to my last nappy. I hit the call button again.
A nurse came back. “Did you call?”
“Yes I am down to my last nappy so my husband will either need to bring me some or unless you provide them.”
“Well that depends on what kind you wear. We might not have the right brand you prefer but we can still call your husband and he can bring them here. You know to be honest I don’t think you belong in here.”
“I know, I tried telling them but they wouldn’t listen,” I said.
“Well better than getting arrested and going to jail you know.”
I laughed.
“Well they thought you were mentally ill or something because not very many people wear nappies.”
“I guess they never heard of incontinence,” I said.
“I know, the majority don’t wear them so they were alarmed to see you getting changed and thought you had mental problems or something.”
Technically I do have mental problems, it’s called anxiety disorder. But I didn’t say it out loud.
To me anxiety disorder just means not being able to handle stress like a normal person or getting stressed out about things most people wouldn’t be stressed about or getting upset most people wouldn’t get upset about or not being able to handle your emotions like a normal person. Anxiety also just means exaggerating your fears and your worries and thinking something is bad than it really is or making a big deal out of something when it’s not a big of deal.
“What kind of nappies do you have here?” I asked.
“We carry Tena.”
“Okay I wear those usually.”
“I will bring you some.”
She left and I went back to my word search puzzle. My tummy grumbled for food. Maybe I should eat something.
Soon the nurse came back with a few nappies and set them on the bed stand beside the bed. I saw they were the green kind instead of the purple kind.
“I don’t think you will be here long. I have seen worse,” she told me.
“Really? Like what?” I asked.
“We have had patients come in here who were a danger to themselves or to others, we have had people come in here when they have committed a crime like assault or yelling profanity and breaking a window and all you did was take care of your medical need because you were trapped underground so it’s not like you changed in the middle of a shopping center or on the pavement. You would have likely found a toilet to change if you were not trapped.”
“Yes,” I said. “It’s no different than people peeing because they were stuck. I am ready for some food now.”
“I don’t know why they are keeping you here when it’s clear you don’t need to be in here. They should have released you after your arrival. We have a dining room where everyone eats, I will bring you to it.”
I followed her and she led me back to the first level and brought me to the dining room. I saw other patients in there eating and they all looked normal.
I picked out my food and it was cereal with milk. I opened it and the milk and poured it in and started eating.
No one talked and patients were in their gowns. One lady’s hair was a mess and it was long. It was all frizzled. She would look like a stereotype of a crazy person. I wondered what her problem was. I figured all these people here had something and if I saw them in the streets, I wouldn’t even guess they had a mental problem. Everyone seemed normal here. It wasn’t like you see in movies about mental hospitals. Plus there were no bars on the windows. I also wondered if anyone here also didn’t belong here.
I got done eating and I cleared my spot and threw my stuff away and went back to my hospital room.
A doctor was sitting in there.
“Hi Natalia, I am Dr. Stevens, what’s up?”
“I just had breakfast,” I said.
I sat on my bed.
“I am here to ask you some questions, so tell me how your day has been going so far?” he said.
“Fine.”
“What’s been going on so far?”
“I had breakfast and everyone seemed normal because they were not acting all crazy and I wouldn’t even guess they have something wrong with them if I saw them in the streets and I have been doing my word search here because I was bored and I have no way of charging my phone or my 3DS.”
“Can you tell me why you are here?”
“They thought I was exposing myself when all I did was changed my incontinent product because it really needed to be done or else I would have gotten infections and gotten my trousers and the seat all wet and other people peed on the train so what I did was no different. It’s like they don’t even know about incontinence so I am being persecuted for it.”
“Can you tell me what day this is?”
“Thursday.”
“Do you know the date?”
“Yes.”
“Can you tell me?”
“March 9th 2017.”
Dr. Stevens kept asking me questions about myself and my marriage and my children and why I moved here and he asked me about my family and he asked me some strange questions every now and then like what is the different between an apple and an orange and how are they different. He also asked me about my employment and my hobbies.
This was like a normal conversation and I didn’t even feel I was being evaluated. He didn’t do any tests with me like puzzles or mazes or do any IQ tests with me.
He also asked me about two idioms and what I think they mean and because I had never heard of them, I didn’t understand them so I said I didn’t know but he told me to do my best and just make a guess so I did which was pretty literal what I did. He didn’t say anything else. He also took notes whenever I was answering his questions. Then he closed his folder and said we were done and he will let the staff team know about my release.
I thanked him and he told me to have a good day and told me he also didn’t think I belonged in here and he didn’t think I posed any danger to others or to myself and he didn’t see why they would keep me here.
“Oh by the way, they got the rest off the train but not until one in the morning,” he said.
I was shocked. “Why did it take them that long?”
“It’s not easy to evacuate a bunch of passengers from the train, you got uneven grounds, they have to shut off the rails, they need extra light to see through the tunnels, it’s not easy.”
“But they got me out of there quick,” I said.
“It was an emergency situation and they didn’t know if you were dangerous or not.”
He left and I waited. I played on my 3DS again and it was down to three bars.
One of the nurses came in again later and told me I was free to go home now because everything looked good according to my NHS records and what Dr. Stevens told them and asked me if I needed a ride home or have family and I told her my husband would come pick me up so I would need to call him to come get me.
“We’ll call him, what’s his number?”
I looked in my phone and gave her the number and she wrote it down and told me they will call him and he will pick me up here in this room.
She left and I continued playing my 3DS.
I decided to get dressed so I got dressed back in my street clothes again but left off my work shirt. I put the three nappies in my backpack and zipped it. I left the hospital clothes on the floor by my bed. I pumped my milk again and poured the milk out in the sink and rinsed the bottles and put them back in the breast bump bag.
I was doing a word search again when Daddy arrived with Tristian.
I said hi to Tristian and hugged him and kissed him. Daddy picked up my stuff and my work shirt.
I double checked my room to make sure I had nothing behind. I didn’t and we left.
Daddy signed me out and he took me out to his car. We walked in the car park and to his car.
Daddy unlocked his car and I strapped Tristian in his car seat and got in the front. I put my seat belt on while Daddy put my stuff in the backseat and got in on the driver’s side.
“Glad I am still here?” I asked.
“Yes, I was very worried about you. What happened?”
I told him how I was on my way to work and then I realized I had forgotten my phone so I went back and got it and then I couldn’t find it so I had to look for it and then I found it and left. But I had to wait for the bus and then I went to the station and waited for the train and got on. Then when I was on the second train, we just stopped. We slowed down until we were to a dead stop. I told him what happened on the train and people getting impatient and men forcing the door open. I also told him about pooping in my nappy on the train and then being stuck in it and then changing in the tunnel while I was walking out of there.
“You had an adventure.”
“And I didn’t freak out,” I said. “Well I was starting to after I pooped but then I got out. I guess everyone should expose themselves to get off the train sooner.”
Daddy laughed.
“I’m serious,” I said. “Maybe I should expose myself. I just found a short cut to getting off the train sooner.”
“No Natalia, please don’t ever manipulate the system,” said Daddy.
“Then they should get us help sooner than making us wait. It’s unacceptable. I should do something crazy every time that happens.”
“No Natalia if you keep faking it, they will know and next time you might be arrested and taken into custody, you don’t want that.”
“Well at least changing a nappy isn’t fake.”
“But if you do it right after the train stopped or when you hadn’t been waiting long and you did it, they would know. You have already been taken to the hospital so it’s in the system now this has happened and you are not crazy, you’re not sick, you’re not retarded. This was just a one time thing and an incident. It’s not something you do and they know that so that was why they released you. Besides if you kept on doing it, they might not let you go next time because they will think you are too unstable to leave and need treatment. It can backfire.”
I was so glad I took this all well and I didn’t have any meltdowns and I was very flexible despite the unexpected change.
“How did you find out about the bombing?” I asked.
“I heard it on the news and then I was really worried about you. I did try to call you but it went straight to voice message.”
“I had no signal,” I said.
“I am glad you are okay.”
“I am surprised I handled this all well, no freak outs and I didn’t get scared when I was taken out by the police and taken to the hospital,” I said.
“I’m glad,” said Daddy.
“I just can’t believe it took them until one in the morning to get everyone off that train. That makes me feel so lucky I got out sooner.”
“Your dad called, he was really worried about you because he thought you were in the building but I told him you had missed your bus and train so you were late and didn’t make it to work. You should call him when you get home to let him know you’re home safe.”
We arrived home and Daddy took my stuff in for me while I brought in Tristian. I was so glad to be home again.
“I am going to get to work now,” said Daddy.
“I thought you told me you were off work?” I asked.
“For right now I said but you’re home now so I can get back to working.”
I plugged in my phone and my 3DS and my charger stick.
I opened my computer and looked up my work company and dialed their number.
“Hello, this is Elisabeth speaking, how may I help you?”
“Yeah this is Natalia Wilums calling about my employment. I worked in the Canningham Square and that got bombed out and now I am unemployed so where do I go for to get another job from you guys?” I asked.
“Who was your supervisor?”
“Joel. I don’t know his last name.”
“Okay, you can try getting a hold of him and he will tell you who you need to call.”
“Okay,” I said.
“You know how to reach him?”
“Yes, I have his number on my phone. Bye.”
“Have a nice day.”
I hung up and called my boss next.
“Hello?”
“Joel this is Natalia.”
“Natalia?”
“Yes, I was on my way to work when it happened so I was stuck on the train for a few hours. Did you think I was dead?”
“It showed you never clocked in so I thought you were dead before you could even do it but I am glad you’re okay. None of the other workers in the building made it though because they were all in there. But Sidney had called in sick so she is also okay.”
Poor Helga, poor Greg, poor all the others but me oh yay, I am here. Yay for Sidney too for being sick. Yay for me for having to go get my phone.
“I forgot my phone so it made me late but it became a good thing or I would have been dead,” I said. “Hey who do I call about getting another job?”
“I will contact Anna Shemmings and let her know about you and you will hear from her again when she finds out about what will happen with you or you can give her a call if you don’t hear from her within three days, you know how to reach her?”
“No.”
“Okay I will try and get her number and I will get back to you.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Bye.”
“Bye,” I said.
I put my phone down and looked on the website some more trying to see if they had a list of employers.
Then I saw a list of names and their numbers and extensions so I dialed Anna’s office number.
I sometimes wonder if everyone working there has disabilities. After all it’s an employment service that employs people with disabilities but lot of them are immigrants working for them. I wonder if they actually have a disability or if they have made being bilingual a disability.
I put in the extension number and left her a message saying my work building was bombed so I wanted another job and to get back to me if she knows anything and I left her my mobile number.
I hung up and Steven had finished getting ready for work. “Did you call your father?”
“Not yet,” I said.
“Call him and I already gave Tristian breakfast so he could be hungry again and Natalia, don’t worry about getting a job, you’re fine with staying at home and being a mother.”
“But I want to work, I don’t want to be a burden,” I said.
“You are not a burden and besides I’m Daddy and little girls don’t go to work, they stay home.”
“But they go to daycare and nursery school and they don’t take care of babies.”
“But you’re an adult baby, not a baby.”
“But I still want to work so I don’t feel lazy.”
“You’re not lazy, you take care of our son and clean the house. I make enough money to support all of us.”
I sometimes feel he doesn’t want me to work.
“I feel you don’t want me working,” I said,
“It’s not that, I just don’t want you getting stressed out if you can’t get another job so I am telling you to not worry and you’re fine if you don’t look for another one. I love you honey,” he kissed me on the check. “Don’t forget to call your father,” and he left.
I called my dad’s number and he picked up.
“Natalie,” he said.
“Steven said he wanted me to call you,” I said.
“I was worried about you.”
“Did you think I died?”
“Yes, I thought you were a goner so I called your husband and he said you were not at home but then I saw on Facebook you were stuck underground so I was relieved.”
“That I was alive right?”
“Yes. How are you feeling about all this?”
“That I’m lucky to even be alive and I happened to forget my phone at the right time and I just had to have it and couldn’t go without it.”
“You’re not scared are you?”
“No. I just feel shocked and oh my gosh because it happened where I worked and in the building I worked in and it could have been me in there if I didn’t forget my phone.”
“They are now saying it was a terrorist attack, you should go turn on the news. And Natalie, don’t feel guilty about not dying. It was freak timing and a coincidence.”
“Why would I feel guilty?” I asked.
“You hear of survivor remorse? Someone might feel that way when they survive or when there was perfect timing because they did the wrong turn or forgot something or got sick or cancelled out or changed plans, stuff like that, you’re human so you forgot your phone so don’t feel bad for not being on time for work.”
“Why would anyone feel guilty for surviving or for lucking out like I did?” I asked.
“I don’t know. It’s just a feeling people get. If you start feeling that way, just tell yourself you have a right to be alive and move on.”
We talked and I told Dad about my adventure on the train and discrimination about incontinence. Continent people can do public urination and get away with it if they were trapped in a situation and there were no toilets but if I change my nappy, police are called.
“You changed your nappy on the train, that sounds like something you would do,” said Dad.
“I had no choice, I didn’t want to do it but I would have leaked and gotten infections if I stayed in it,” I said.
Then I told him about my time in the hospital and everyone saying I didn’t belong in there so I was released when I should have been released last night after getting there.
“Why did they keep you there overnight?” Dad asked.
“I don’t know but the doctor there said he didn’t see why they wouldn’t release me after my arrival because he didn’t think I belonged there. Even another nurse said she didn’t think I would be there long because she also thought I didn’t need to be there because she had seen worse. I bet I was the easiest patient for them.”
“I bet,” said Dad. “Hey I am going to let you get back to your kid now. I am so glad you are alive. Gosh how many times have you survived disasters? There’s been the fire, the car wreck, your evil teacher, the creek right by Meadow Creek, the roof, the time you stabbed yourself, what else?”
“The sexual abuse?” I asked.
“Oh you almost had a box fell on you when you were a baby,” said Dad.
“What?” I asked.
“Yeah when we first moved in our house in Saltwater. We were bringing in boxes and all our other stuff and one of the boxes fell over and it nearly landed on you but it missed you by a couple inches. We were lucky. We didn’t have you crawl around anymore and kept you in your playpen instead.”
“How did the box fell over?” I asked.
“I don’t know. They were stacked and then all of a sudden they fell over and you were there and they nearly landed on you. If they had fallen on you, you would have been toast.”
“I never knew that happened so that is something new,” I said. “Oh I also survived the choke.”
“Oh yeah you did, Mum went nuts over the whole thing the family moved to get away from us because of your mother. Once she started calling CPS, they fled.”
“I didn’t know she was calling them?”
“Well their son was always getting out of the house and kept going on our property so she was calling them and then she threatened them and the next thing I knew, they were gone.”
“I survived my son too,” I said.
“You’re a very tough girl Natalie,” said Dad.
“I think it was all just luck,” I said.
“You were still tough. You made it through each time. I am sure you will make it through this one. You’re strong. You have been through so much and look where you are now? You have a baby, a husband, a house, you worked so hard.”
It didn’t feel like I worked hard and everyone just makes a big deal out of it. I feel it just all happened where I am now and I didn’t have to do much to make it happen. I was dealing with Imposter Syndrome.
Dad finally got off the phone and looked on my phone. I looked in the Play Store seeing what there was to download like ring tones or themes. I had been thinking about deleting stuff on my phone I have lost interest in like Shopkins Chef Club and Sonic Jump Fever because I don’t play those games as much anymore and I like to leave space on my phone. I also have updates turned off so it won’t do it automatically because it uses up space.
I decided to download a game so I did and I played it. Then I deleted it when I was done with the game. I unintalled it to be exact.
I thought about looking for another job online but decided to wait a month since Daddy said he didn’t mind me not working. And if I don’t hear back from them, I will start looking for another one.
I noticed my boss never got back to me and I never heard back from Anna but I decided I would wait till tomorrow to call again.
I brought Tristian downstairs and put him with his toys and I did some cleaning. I vacuumed and swept and did the dishes and laundry and I was done with it all. I got on my computer and looked on Facebook and I had comments to my posts about being stuck on the train. I got comments from my relatives and Facebook friends about being glad I am okay and saying they hope I made it home safe. Then my aunt Elizabeth had asked me “I thought people were calm in London in those situations.”
I typed “Apparently not because we have immigrants and the guys that went crazy did not sound very British but people stopped them from trying to get out on the tracks by blocking the doors and grabbing their hands away. We didn’t want to see a real live electrocution.” I tried to make a joke there.
I got my phone and brought the charger down and plugged it in my computer and watched the video again. Everyone seemed calm on it by then and I had only gotten the very last bit of the men acting crazy when they tried to pull the doors open to get off and then they calmed down and the people let go of them but there were still people standing by the door blocking it.
Not too long later I heard a Facebook response and I saw Aunt Elizabeth had said “I bet.”
I picked up my phone and tapped on Try and Get Into The US. The game loaded and I started to play. My character had tanned skin and dark brown hair and wore regular clothes. I had to try and find a way to convince the government to get into the US because I was I was legal because I had a visa. I found this game rather boring so I exited it and uninstalled it.
When I decided to eat again, I fed Tristian as I ate and then I had to clean him up. I sat down and nursed him while I did the computer and soon Gailand came home with the kids.
“Oh you’re alive,” she said when she saw me.
“You must have heard about the bombing,” I said.
“Yes I did and I thought you were gone but you’re still here, what happened?”
“When the station got bombed, all the other trains stopped and we stopped so we were stuck there for hours. I hear they didn’t let anyone off until one AM but I got off early because I had to take care of a medical problem while everyone else could pull their trousers down and squat and I had to be the one escorted off the train by cops and taken to a psychiatric ward. All over taking care of my medical needs, funny huh while everyone else can take care of their personal business?”
“That must have been hard,” said Gailand. “At least you didn’t get arrested for exposure.”
“No one thought I belonged there but they still kept me in there for some reason than just letting me go,” I said.
“What’s a psychiatric ward?” Alexis asked.
“It’s where they take people when they have mental problems,” said Gailand.
“Why?”
“Because that is where people go when they get in trouble with the law and they hold you there for a few days,” I said.
“It’s where people go when they are sick and need to get better,” Gailand explained.
“They saw I wasn’t sick so they let me out,” I said.
“Why did they think you were sick?”
“Because I was brought there by the cops for taking care of my medical need so they thought I was sick and needed to get better.”
“How was the hospital?” Gailand asked.
“Okay,” I said. “It’s nothing like you see in movies and there were no crazy people or people acting wild and crazy there like you see on TV.”
“How did it feel to see other people being there?”
“Nothing, they all seemed normal but I saw a lady with wild hair so she did look crazy but didn’t act like it.”
Gailand laughed.
“I was serious,” I said.
“I know, I just thought it was funny.”
People always seem to find my comments funny, I don’t know why.
“So what are they going to do about your job?” Gailand asked.
“I don’t know, I hope they can get me another one. I hate being unemployed.”
“You will get to stay home with Tristian.”
“So but I just get bored when I have too much time on my hands so I need to work to have something to do.”
“Nonsense you have Tristian and a house to clean and a garden to take care of, you can keep yourself here. Here is a life pro tip for you, if you find you have too much time on your hands even with a baby, you’re not doing it right.”
“Just what do I do with a baby?” I asked. “He eats and sleeps and I change him and he plays so what else am I supposed to be doing with him?”
“Play with him, read to him, you talk to him, take him to places so he can explore and learn. Babies need the stimulation and all you do is keep him here at home and he doesn’t get to see the outside world. Oh this high chair here is filthy, you can give yourself something to do by cleaning this thing.”
Gailand quit touching the high chair and she went in the kitchen and started making Haley and Alexis a snack.
I looked at Tristian and let him play. I got on my computer again.
Chapter 4
I woke up to Daddy’s alarm going off on his phone. He shut it off and laid down by me. He grabbed my crotch and pressed against it. My nappy was all nice and wet. I also smelled poop under the covers so I knew I was messy.
“I think I’m messy,” I said.
“You are,” said Daddy. “I woke up to you filling your nappy because you did a big fart and then the whole room smelled. It turned me on.”
“What time was it then?”
“I didn’t look. It was in the middle of the night when I woke up to a huge fart and the whole room smelling.”
“Can you rub my hair?” I asked.
Daddy started rubbing my head. It felt so nice and soft.
Then he stopped and got out of bed. “Ready to be changed?”
“Yes,” I said.
Daddy got the stuff he needed and he put the changing pad down on my bed and he pulled down my pajamas and he started to undo my nappy. Then he lifted my legs up in the air and started leaning me up with an adult wipe. He cleaned my pussy first and then around my buttocks. My vagina farted.
Daddy grabbed more wipes and wiped my butthole and my asshole and he wiped inside my vagina to get all the poop out. I flinched because I hated that feeling. He took the nappy away and had it rolled up and he put the clean nappy under me. He push rash cream on me and then put baby powder on so I would smell fresh and clean and he taped the nappy on. He pulled my pajamas up and pulled the changing pad away and folded it and he picked up my used nappy and threw it away in the bathroom. I heard him wash his hands and then he showered.
While he was getting dressed in there and brushing his teeth and taking care of his other guy business, my nappy grew warm. I enjoyed the feeling and I rubbed it. I felt dry again in no time.
Daddy soon came out and he rubbed my head again for a few seconds and kissed me on the face.
“I peed again,” I said.
“That’s what it’s for,” he said referring to my nappy.
He left our bedroom.
I was so glad Tristian was still sleeping.
I rested and tried to go back to sleep.
I couldn’t sleep again and I soon heard Daddy leaving for work and soon Christina and her kids were up.
Tristian finally woke up after everyone was gone.
I got out of bed and picked him up from his cot and carried him back to my room and nursed him. He went back to sleep and I was so glad.
I decided I was going to go out today and buy him a birthday present for this weekend when we do his party.
I was soon up with Tristian and I fed him in his high chair and I remembered to clean the chair when he was done eating. I did my computer and then I decided I better go to the store and get him a birthday present so I got him ready and myself. I packed our nappy bag and I got our car keys we kept in the dining room in the drawer.
I got my shoes on and took Tristian out to the car and put him in his car seat. I put the nappy bag in the backseat below him and got in on the driver’s side.
I went to Toys R Us and looked around pushing Tristian in the trolley with the nappy bag in it. I looked at the games and the Shopkins. I looked at the baby toys and tried to decide what to get him.
One great thing about being married to Daddy is I don’t have to worry about money. I just use our credit card and he pays it off. He handles all the finances and I don’t have to stress about how much we make and how much we spend. He says we are okay just as long as I don’t do any compulsive spending and he will let me know if I am spending too much. But without me working now I didn’t know how much money we would have now and how tight our budget would be.
I looked at the prices and wondered if I should go somewhere cheaper like TK Maxx. I decided to leave the store and head there so I put the shopping trolley away and carried Tristian out to the car and strapped him in again and put the nappy bag below him.
I had really wished I had brought the push chair along because the next place I had went to was a shopping center and I parked in the car parking garage and I had to carry Tristian all the way to the store.
I put him in the trolley and pushed him to the toy section.
I looked at the toys and tried to decide on what to buy him. I never thought it would be so hard to buy presents for your own children. I also found a Shopkin building set and tossed it in the trolley.
I looked at the baby clothes and at the toys again and decided on a toy. I picked up My Discovery House by Leap Frog.
I then found some baby wrapping paper and bought it.
Then I headed to Game and I had to carry two bags and have Tristian walk with me. Then I carried him and I put him down once I got to the store. I looked around. Then he was starting to get fussy and I was starting to get anxious because of him so I left. I took him back to the car and strapped him in his car seat and I put the bags in the backseat and got in on the driver’s side and headed home. I paid before leaving which was very cheap.
When I got home, I took Tristian inside with the stuff and put him down and took my shoes off. I got him something to eat and I started to wrap the present. Tristian wanted to play with it but I told him it wasn’t his.
It wasn’t because I hadn’t given it to him yet so it was my toy. Plus he isn’t going to even remember it.
I got done with wrapping and put it in my room and put the wrapping paper in the corner of the dining room and put the tape and scissors away.
I changed out of my nappy and into a clean one and came back downstairs. I got Tristian out of his chair and I made myself wipe it clean. It took effort.
After I got done cleaning the chair, I got my Shopkins set and opened the box. I took everything out and put it together.
I got done with the Shopkins Bakery set and I took it up to my room to keep it safe. I now had the Veggie Stand, the checkout stand, a trolley with a shelf, Fashion Boutique, the Burger Bistro, and Baby Shop Set.
Anna never called me back about my job so I never called her back. There was always Monday and I didn’t like making phone calls anyway. It felt weird not going to work and they were still talking about the bombing. Christina watched it on TV when she was back home and told me again how lucky I was to not be there when it happened and I had barely missed it.
“I wasn’t even close to the place,” I said.
“If you weren’t running late, you would have been there,” she said.
Sidney and I were very lucky. But I felt sorry for her because she didn’t have a good income like I did. Her husband didn’t make a lot of money like mine did so I was lucky to have a great guy who made good money even though we are not rich but he makes enough to cover all our expensive plus my nappies NHS doesn’t cover but they cover Tena and the wipes and rash cream because of my medical condition. Daddy will buy me a case of AB nappies and I use them for at night with a booster in them. NHS also gives me boosters because I asked for them. Sometimes I wear AB diapers in the day time and I would do it 24/7 but I don’t want Steven to spend all that money on them for me to use them 24/7 and I would end up with extra nappies anyway if I didn’t use my Tenas and I would have to give them away because there would be too many.
Daddy came home with a surprise and he had gotten me a Shopkin set when he stopped at a store. He didn’t get Tristian anything because babies don’t even notice these things. Daddy gave me mine and sat down with his phone.
“I got Tristian a present,” I said.
“I got him one too,” said Daddy.
“When?” I asked.
“When I got your Shopkins.”
“Oh I guess I wasted money then and that is more junk in our house,” I said.
“No it wasn’t a waste, he will get two presents from us now,” said Daddy.
I opened my Shopkins and threw the packaging away and put my little ones upstairs in my room with the rest.
I played my 3DS and did the Badge Arcade and then I did the Pokemon Picross game. Then I had 999 Picrites after I got done with daily challenge and I wondered if I could go up higher. I wouldn’t find out until tomorrow and then I will delete the game.
Landon came over as we were all eating dinner. We didn’t see his mother because he came with his bag for the weekend and he had came here all by himself because he took the underground and then the bus and his mum had dropped him off somewhere and he took the rest here on his own. He just walked right in our house and set his stuff down and Daddy offered him some food.
I couldn’t believe how big Landon had gotten because I could remember him being just a little boy and he was still in Primary school when I moved here and now he was already in his last year of high school. Here everyone starts a year early and there are only eleven years instead of twelve and they finish school at 16 instead of at 18 and then kids go to university at 16 instead of at 18. But they can still go to school for another two more years but they are not required to go.
Landon was also taller than me and he looked very much like a man now and his voice had changed and he was growing facial hair and body hair.
Landon ate and I got done eating and went back on my computer.
After Landon was done eating, he asked me if I wanted to do a quick video game with him.
I put my computer aside and Landon looked at the games I had. He picked out Super Smash Bros and he put it in the system.
“Are you going to get the Switch?” he asked.
I knew he meant the new Nintendo game system that had just come out.
“No,” I said.
“No? Why not?”
He sounded surprised.
“I don’t play video games much anymore, I mostly play on my phone now,” I said. “I also don’t play my game console very much so I don’t need the Switch.”
“It’s going to be a both handheld console and a TV console.”
“I still don’t play much video games, I don’t even play lot of mine anymore,” I said.
Landon and I played a couple rounds and then Daddy called me to help him with Tristian because he was dirty and he was going to clean the chair while I clean him up. I finished the round with Landon and then I brought him upstairs to the bathroom. I striped him and got the water running and I put him in the tub and started washing him.
He cried and I ignored it and after I was done cleaning him up and washing his hair again, I dried him off and put a clean nappy on him and got him dressed in his pajamas. Then I brought him back downstairs and just held him.
Landon had moved onto another game so I didn’t play again and I didn’t feel like it anyway. He was playing one of the games from the WiiU shop. Then he exited it and decided to play Super Mario World.
Christina cleaned the kitchen again and so did Steven. I could hear the water running and the dishes clanging. Then Steven came out and took Tristian with him upstairs so I would have a break since I had taken care of him all day.
“Hey let’s see what’s playing,” said Christina.
Landon turned the game off and the WiiU and Christina started to browse what we had On Demand. She browsed the movies and then she asked “Anyone feel for a Holocaust movie?”
I saw she had Schindler’s List highlighted. No one answered and she kept on browsing.
“The Boy in Striped Pajamas,” Landon read.
“No too sad,” said Christina.
“Did you know some people don’t believe in the Holocaust and they think it’s a conspiracy Jewish people created-“ Landon began but Christina interrupted him.
“Yeah it makes me so angry I had to cut someone out of my life because she was a racist and a xenophobic and then she started telling me about this and that was it, I was done so I faded out of her life.”
“They should make that all illegal,” said Landon.
“Yeah no kidding, they should.”
“Then wouldn’t that violate freedom of speech?” I asked.
“That’s not freedom of speech, it’s hatred and it hurts people. We can’t yell fire in a middle of the crowd and we can’t just burn a cross in someone’s yard or go slandering someone by spread false information about them so how is this any different? Several European countries have already outlawed public Holocaust denial but we haven’t yet. Even Germany has a law against it too. Pretty much all the countries that were invaded by Hitler and Nazis have outlawed it.”
“But if we allow people to express it, then we get to see what kind of people they are,” I said.
“People should not be allowed to be Nazis or express hate towards other groups, how would you feel if people started to protest that incontinent people are sick and dirty people and bad for the environment because they throw their nappies all over the place such as in streets and fields.”
“That’s not true about people with it,” I said. “Those who do it are lazy and have no respect for the environment and anyone can throw their trash all over rather it be baby nappies or food wrappers-”
“I know that but people find any justifications for their hatred towards groups like there was a recent bombing, ‘oh Muslims are so bad, we hate them so they all must be departed out of our country and get sent back to Islam countries so they will stop terrorizing us.’ So any Muslim they see they hate and treat badly or even harass because of their heritage or I get a patient and then get a unfair complaint saying they felt threatened by me because I am Indian and come from a Muslim heritage.”
“I didn’t know you were Muslim,” I said.
“It’s been in my family but I just don’t follow it but it’s still in my family. Look at me, I am a nurse, I have two children, I drive, I live in a house, there is no terrorist group I am in, and look at what I have on? Do I look Muslim?”
“You look normal,” I said.
“Exactly but because of my skin color, I must be a terrorist and have joined the group even though I have on my nurse uniform and have a ponytail.”
“Did someone actually complain about you at work?” I asked.
“Yes they did and I was so upset about it. But that was while ago, not something recent.”
“But how did they know you were Muslim?” I asked.
“I don’t see myself as Muslim, it’s in me yes but I don’t follow it. No one in my family follows it but I have had relatives who do back in India or my mom’s family followed it and she doesn’t do it anymore. But none of us have ever been terrorists and we have never harmed anyone or our families.”
“But how did they know it was in your family?” I asked.
“They didn’t, it was because of my skin color so they felt threatened by me when all I did was check their temperature and pulse and their breathing and their heart and their ears and they reported me.”
“And what happened?”
“They added in a policy about who they prefer to see what race and gender and stuff so they are now careful about who they assign and I think it’s bullshit. If someone feels so uncomfortable because of their skin color and choose to make assumptions about their background, they shouldn’t even go there and should go somewhere else.”
“Who was this person?” Landon asked.
“I am not allowed to give out any details about any of my patients even former ones.”
“How long ago was it when it happened?” I asked.
“Around the time you got this house,” Christina replied.
So 2012 then it was.
“Sorry that happened, it must have been awful,” said Landon.
“Good thing you didn’t lose your job,” I said.
“They can’t fire you over your skin color or your background,” said Christina.
Bigots make me so angry and I never understood racism anyway, it’s so stupid to make an assumption about a whole group of people based on something a person did or some people that can be found in anyone.
“Now you know why this is not freedom of speech and why this hurts people,” Christina finished. Then she sniffled.
She kept browsing and finally she picked on a movie.
“I don’t want to watch it,” said Alexis.
“Then don’t,” said Christina.
I had no idea what movie she picked.
The movie started and I kept reading on my computer.
Then I saw the title on the screen and it said The Giver.
I read that book when I was a teenager and I hated it because of how they had society and they killed anyone who wasn’t perfect and they killed off the elderly and they called it release and would give them a lethal injection in the arm. For infants they did it in the forehead. They also controlled population so they only had a fifty set of babies born each year and they would be given to parents and whoever had twins, the lightest ones would be released. I couldn’t imagine living in a world where a partner is assigned to you and your career and your children and you don’t get to pick your life, they pick it for you and I know they would have released me because of my disability. They would have found me useless and release me. It made me think of genocide but at least they didn’t torture anyone to death. I will never forget when I learned about concentration camps and what they did to the people in them. I never understood it and why they treated people that way. It was a death camp and they were treated worse than animals and they didn’t even consider them human, only as numbers.
Christina watched part of the movie and turned it off because Landon wanted to go to bed. I had to move upstairs to my room and Steven wasn’t in here because he was in Tristian’s bedroom probably working. Christina made Haley and Alexis go to bed because she had to get up for work the next day.
My nappy needed to be changed so I got Steven. Tristian was sleeping in his cot.
I walked over to Steven and said “I need changed.”
“Mmmmm,” he said.
He got off his computer.
“Get on the bed little girl,” he said.
I went back to our room and laid down and he came in after me. He got my stuff for changing me and he put the changing pad down and put me on top of it. He lifted me up and put me on it. Then he took off my trousers and unfolded my clean nappy and put the booster inside and undid the tabs on mine. Then he pulled out a wipe and started wiping me down there. Then he lifted my legs and got my buttocks. Then he took my wet nappy away and put the clean one under me and he put rash cream on down there and rubbed it around. Then he put the clean nappy on me and got my pajamas on. Then he threw away my used nappy and washed his hands. Then he went back to Tristian’s bedroom while I did my computer some more and watched youtube on my phone at the same time.
Around one, Steven came in the bedroom and got his pajamas on leaving his clothes on the floor. He never throws them in the right spot and I never say anything and I just pick them up when I clean and put them with the dirty linen. Men. It’s something he has been doing anyway in my life time since we have been together and I asked him why he does it and he shrugged and said it’s what he has always done and he never thinks about putting them anywhere else. I knew if I was going to be with this guy, I would be picking up some extra clothes. I always toss mine aside in certain spots and Steven just leaves them in the middle of the floor. But in the morning, his pajamas are always laying on the bathroom floor and I just push them aside or toss them out of the bathroom if I use it to clean up my mess when I poop. I asked him how Taffie felt about this and he said she got used to it when she couldn’t break him out of his dressing routine, women.
Steven crawled into bed and asked me if I wanted to lay with him. I got off my computer and laid down with him and he turned off the lamp and started rubbing my back. I laid under the covers and enjoyed the nice feeling of him rubbing me. He had his body against mine and I asked him “Do you miss my cot?”
“Not really, do you?”
“Sometimes,” I said.
“We can always take it out again but then how would we explain to Tristian why you get to sleep in it and he doesn’t.”
“Keep our door locked,” I said.
“Everyone saw the bed, even Landon saw it. We will keep forgetting to keep the door locked and our son will see it soon and it might make it harder for him to not sleep in his.”
“But what if he wanted a big boy bed because he didn’t like the bars around his bed?” I asked. “Plus he will notice how easier it is to get out of bed.”
“But he will see his mummy sleeping in it and think it’s normal.”
“And he will see everyone else sleeping in regular beds,” I pointed out.
“So are you saying you want your other bed back?” Daddy asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I just remember sleeping in it and how relaxing it was.”
“I like this better because it’s a lot easier getting to you and it’s easier to get out of bed than climbing over those bars and it’s a lot easier to change you on this bed than it is in the other one.”
Daddy kept on rubbing me and I felt tired and I felt like I was getting knocked out because of the way my body felt.
“Natalia?”
“Mmmm?” I asked.
“Oh, you fell asleep for a minute.”
“I have been awake this whole time feeling your back rub,” I said.
“You were snoring.”
“Oh, I didn’t see myself fall asleep because I felt your hand the whole time.”
“You were snoring Natalia.”
I kept my eyes closed enjoying the hand on my back and my head. He stroked my hair and I could hear him breathing.
Next thing I knew, I felt my nappy getting filled with fresh poop and there was a little farting sound and I heard my nappy expand from the plastic. I must have fallen asleep here because I woke up to this feeling. I didn’t say anything about my accident.
“Oooo my baby girl did a poopy in her nappy,” Daddy said. “Natalia? Natalia?”
I refused to answer because I wanted to sleep and I wanted him to think I was sleeping. I knew if I answered, he would want to change me.
Then he reached his hand down further and felt my nappy. He pressed his hand on my butt and felt the poop inside. Then he stopped and he also stopped rubbing me and I heard him flip over.
I couldn’t tell him to keep rubbing me or he would know I was awake and think I had woken up and he would tell me I had pooped in my sleep and then change me. I remember when we were first together, it was in the middle of the night and I had pooped and he was awake and so was I and I thought he was joking when he said he was going to change me. But no he turned on the lamp and started changing me and I just kept my eyes closed while he was cleaning me up and had my legs in the air and it was chilly because I didn’t have covers over me and the room felt cold and the wipes were cold. He even gave me a dummy while he changed me because I complained how cold the room was and he said he would be a bad daddy if he kept me in my messy nappy and I got an infection. Real dads don’t leave their babies messy so he would be a bad daddy if he did that to me. Plus he said I said I wanted to be treated like a baby girl so he is treating me like one and this is what happens to babies when they poop in the middle of the night and they cry because it’s cold while getting their nappy changed. But luckily I don’t poop in my nappies often at night. They usually happen in the day or in the evening.
I fell asleep in my messy nappy.
I woke up and my nappy was really wet and I remembered I had pooped in it and pretended to have fallen asleep. It was very smelly under the covers. Steven was still sleeping beside me. I started wetting my nappy again and I heard a hissing sound. The nappy felt wetter and it felt like there was a puddle. It kept going and then it finished and I felt my nappy and it had leaked because of the poop. I got out of bed and got a clean nappy and went in the bathroom. I took off my pajamas and my nappy and it was so messy I decided to just wash it all off in the tub.
Some poop pee leaked on the floor while I threw my nappy away and was getting in the tub. I turned on the water and waited for it to warm up and washed it all off and I used soap. The water under me was all brown from the poop.
After I got it all off, I dried off and picked up the clean nappy and put it on. I cleaned up my poop pee on the floor and tossed the towel aside and threw my pajamas on my bed and got the rash cream and put it on me inside my nappy and I wiped my fingers off with a wipe. I got my pajamas back on and my socks and got on my computer.
I read the forums and then Tristian woke up so I went in his room and brought him back and nursed him as I still looked on the computer. I looked at his beautiful blonde hair but he still look bald because he didn’t have a lot of hair yet.
* * *
Christina and Daddy were watching the news again about the terrorists attacks in Canningham. They talked about deaths and there were still police on the site and other firemen. I was reminded again of being stuck on the train and how I no longer had my job. I was so glad to be alive.
“Imagine if you were there and the whole place blew up?” Landon asked me. “Boom,” he clapped his hands.
“Did you think I was dead when you heard about this?” I asked.
“Yeah, I told my Mum ‘that is where Natale works’ and she hoped it didn’t happen when you were at work but I told her the time it happened and she thought you were gone so she called Dad and told him what was on the news.”
“Does she know I am alive now?” I asked.
“I don’t think so.”
“Why hasn’t anyone told her yet?” I asked.
“I don’t know, I didn’t know you were still alive until I got here. Dad forgets and my Mum says that is why they are ex’s. Does he ever forget your birthdays?”
“No,” I said.
“He always forgot my mum’s so he always got her a late present and took her out late and she got tired of it.”
“I forget your father’s birthday so they’re both even,” I joked.
I really have forgotten his birthday several times and he has forgiven me every time so I also have gotten him a late gift.
“Is it weird how he remembers my birthday but always forgot your mother’s?” I asked.
“Guys, I want to hear this,” said Daddy. “Talk out there or upstairs,” he pointed.
Haley and Alexis were playing quietly and Tristian was looking at some magazines. He was just playing with one of them and flipping the pages and looking at the front cover.
Soon they were done watching the news and I said to Daddy. “You always forgot Taffie’s, no wonder she was always mad at you,” I joked. “You bad husband.”
“You forget my birthdays and I don’t get mad at you,” said Daddy.
“I was joking,” I said.
People usually miss my jokes so I always make sure I smile when I say it and laugh and say it in a playful tone but Daddy didn’t pick up on it.
“Okay I didn’t know,” said Daddy.
Tomorrow was going to be Tristian’s first birthday. I was so excited. I wrapped Daddy’s present for him and put it in his room. Christina showed me what she had gotten Tristian and she also had it stashed in her room but hadn’t wrapped it yet. She said she was going to do it tomorrow. It was a nice present she had gotten him and it was some stacking toy with little stuff inside the cubes.
Landon and I went for a walk later with Tristian. I pushed him in his pushchair while we walked. We were walking on Parkland Rd. when I noticed this little boy again outside not properly dressed and he was on the driveway and he was holding a plastic bag. He was looking down on the driveway and moving around.
I swear he is being abused because of how he is always dressed and the ridiculous “chores” he has. I have seen him using a paint brush on the driveway and he wasn’t even painting, I have seen him pouring water on their flowers using a tiny water pistol and I have talked to him several times and he always tells me he is just playing or he just wanted to be outside and he didn’t like wearing coats or jackets or hats or gloves. I once gave him a little snack and he snarfed it down so fast. I would talk to the mother or the father but I am too shy. I hate that part of myself. I wish I can just talk to anyone without thinking I might be doing something wrong or coming off wrong or even creepy.
“Oh my gosh, look at that again,” I pointed.
Landon looked.
“What?”
“Him, I always see him outside from time to time doing ridiculous chores and not dressed appropriately for the weather it makes me think he is being abused,” I said.
“That’s silly, why would you think that if he is just outside playing and not wearing a jacket?” Landon asked.
“Because I have read many stories about child abuse and that is one of the signs.”
Landon laughed. “You have strange thoughts.”
“But look at how he is dressed?” I pointed out.
“So.”
The kid had on worn clothes and they were dirty and basically rags he looked homeless. That was another sign of abuse.
I pushed the pushchair towards the child.
“Where are you going?” Landon asked.
I ignored him. I kept walking towards the house. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a snack bar. I always took something with whenever I go for my walks and I walk on this street on purpose to see if he is outside and I always give him something to eat and even talk to him.
“Hey,” I said. “What are you doing this time?”
“Looking for tiny dirt,” he said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I want to, is that a problem?”
“No,” I said. “You’re out here again in this cold weather and you’re wearing shorts and a t shirt and you’re dirty. When did you last have a bath?”
“None of your business,” he said.
I ignored his unfriendly attitude.
“Well I have this here,” I showed him my snack bar. “You can have it if you want and I will just leave it over here.”
I put the snack bar down on the brick wall that outlined their driveway.
“Have a nice day,” I said and I left.
“He doesn’t seem to like you, do you annoy him that often?” Landon asked as we started walking again.
“I think he is just trying to scare me off because he used to be friendly with me,” I said. “But I am sure he appreciates that I am paying attention to him and talking to him. That is what he needs so he knows someone at least still cares about him.”
“If you believe he is being abused, why don’t you call social services?”
“Because what if I am wrong?” I said. “I don’t want to get an innocent family in trouble and what if I am right and they found nothing wrong, I could make it worse.”
“Oh he is eating it, wow he ate it so fast,” said Landon.
I turned around and sure enough, the kid was eating it so fast as if he was in a contest.
“You might be right Natalie,” said Landon. “How long have you been seeing this happening?”
“Since last summer,” I said. “I just sneak food over to him and I have been talking to him and I have joined in on his crazy chores but he has never said anything about any abuse. I don’t expect him too because abused children never tell.”
“Do you know the parents?”
“No.”
“You should try and be friends with them and see how they treat their boy.”
“But how?”
“Well you have Haley and Alexis, maybe try and invite him over to play. Introduce the parents to you and my dad and Christina. Hey let’s turn around.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Let’s just turn around. You’ll see.”
We were walking back and then we were walking by the house again and this time the boy was gone.
“Do you even know his name?” Landon asked.
“No,” I said.
“You have known him that long and you never learned his name? You really are strange.”
“Well he never told me,” I said.
Landon told me to turn on their drive way.
“Why?” I asked again.
“You’ll see.”
We were right in front of the door when Landon rang their door bell.
I wondered what he was doing.
The door answered and there was a mother holding a cigarette.
“Can I help you?” she asked sounding friendly.
“Yeah we are your neighbors and we live all the way over on Trever Drive,” said Landon pointing, “and we were just wondering if your son who was out here earlier would ever like to come to our house sometime and play with her cousins kids and by the way we are having a party for her son tomorrow who is turning one so I am wondering if you guys would like to come, and in fact you can come over right now and meet my dad who is married to her and her cousin and her kids,” said Landon. “I’m Landon and this is Natalie and this is her son Tristian. Natalie is my step mother.”
“Yeah I have been seeing her talking to my son before and giving him food,” said the mother.
“I think he is a great boy and it’s a shame he never dresses right for the weather,” I said. “And he seems to never eat either.”
I was bluffing but I was trying to play dumb like I didn’t notice a thing.
The mother also had the door closed behind her so we wouldn’t see inside the house. She was also chubby and I could hear her other kids playing inside. I wondered where her son was.
“Well if you are interested in coming, the party starts at four,” said Landon.
“Sure,” said the mother.
Landon then pulled my arm and started to walk away. I walked away with him and the mother closed the door behind us.
“Do you think they are actually going to come?” I asked.
“It’s a start. See Natalie, just start inviting her over for tea and invite her kids over to play.”
I felt nervous about it. What would I do with her?
“I don’t know what we would be doing together,” I said.
“You talk and you will get to know her and you will know for sure there is abuse.”
“They hide it well you know,” I said. “Even the kids hide it too and they can act happy when they are having a happy time.”
“Are you sure?”
“Don’t you know anything about child abuse, read the books by those who have been abused,” I said. “We have Kindle Unlimited so I can give you dad’s password and his email to it so you can read books for free that is part of Kindle Unlimited. There are a bunch of child abuse books on there written by survivors. You’d be surprised how people don’t notice it and how they don’t bat an eye because the abusers always make excuses and people buy them. You might have had a kid in your school who smelled or stunk badly and always wore a dirty uniform, they could have been an abused child and you wouldn’t even know it or that kid who has stolen food out of your lunchbox and other kids too, or that kid who bullies and picks on other kids and acts out and is violent. I once had a boy in my class who was always mean to kids and to me and none of us liked him and he always had scratches and bruises and we just thought he was a clumsy kid and he also smelled and it turned out he was an abused child.”
“Wow, I really hope you’re right about all this,” said Landon.
“It always worries me that is what is going on,” I said.
“Have you ever talked to anyone about your concern?”
“I did to your dad once but he didn’t think it was anything.”
“Oh boy. Well just take my advice, it’s a start.”
We didn’t say anything else about the little boy and his mother.
When we got back, I took Tristian out of his pushchair and took off my coat and shoes.
“I invited a family to come over for the party if you don’t mind,” said Landon to Daddy
“Who is it if you don’t mind?” he asked.
“Just a family that lives on the other block from here, Natalie only knows their son and has been talking to him and giving him food.”
“Is that the boy you think who has been getting abused?” Daddy asked me.
“Yes,” I said.
“Natalia, you need to stay out other peoples businesses and mind your own.”
“No it is our business, it’s everyones business,” I said. “If a kid is being abused, everyone should butt in and if no one does, then the kid will think no one cares about them and that won’t help with their self esteem at all because they will really think no one likes them and their abuser is right about them.”
“He even ate his snack bar really fast like he hadn’t eaten in weeks,” said Landon. “Plus he is really skinny.”
“And his clothes are dirty and he looks like a bum,” I said.
“Then call social services if you are that concerned,” said Daddy.
“But Natalie thinks she might make it worse if she does,” said Landon.
“I just don’t want any trouble,” said Daddy.
“Not if we be their friends and act like nothing is happening,” said Landon.
“Okay fine, they can come over, I will just make sure we have enough food.”
That was the end of the conversation.
Haley and Alexis were outplaying the in the garden.
They had on winter coats and boots and were just outside playing.
Landon went outside.
“Hey Haley and Alexis, do you want to try playing at someone’s house?”
They looked up.
“Who’s house?” Haley asked.
“Well a family, I will show you them. They have kids,” Landon replied. “Natalie will take you there.”
“Who are they?” Alexis asked.
“Natalie never got their names but she will this time,” said Landon. “Let’s all go together.”
Haley and Alexis agreed and I had to get my stuff back on. Daddy was back upstairs and Landon told him where we were all going.
“No, keep them here, I don’t want any trouble,” said Daddy.
“They’re just going to play with their kids,” said Landon. “What kind of trouble will there be?”
“I don’t know, I just don’t want to make them mad.”
“If they are not home or don’t want their kids playing, we’ll come home,” said Landon.
“Okay, come home if they say no and do not leave them there alone because we don’t know these people,” said Daddy.
Landon came back downstairs.
We left and went back to their house.
We went up to the door and Haley said “I hear screaming inside.”
I finally noticed a lady’s voice and she was shouting.
I imagined she was doing it to that boy and hurting him.
Landon rang the doorbell and right away the screaming stopped.
The mother answered it again.
“What do you want?”
This time she didn’t sound very friendly. I wondered why? I bet it was because we had interrupted her and her son had a break from her abuse.
“Can your children play, these are Haley and Alexis here her cousin’s kids, and they want someone to play with,” said Landon.
“Really?” the Mum asked.
“Yes, they need some friends,” said Landon.
“Well mine can play except for the boy because he has been bad so he must stay here.”
The boy? Did she just called him ‘the boy?’ Oh that nerve of her. She didn’t even address him as her son or even by his name.
“We can take care of him for you and what would you like us to do with him?” Landon asked.
“He is a very aggressive boy and you would not want him, he has gotten into mischief before at other peoples houses when things don’t go his way and he has hurt other children before and broken stuff.”
For some reason I did not believe her. He was none of those things when I talked to him.
“Well okay, we will be waiting for your kids,” said Landon.
The mother shut the door in our face.
“She is so impolite,” said Landon.
“Why is she mean?” Haley asked.
“Some people are,” I said.
I didn’t know why there were mean people in the world or why some are mean to their kids on purpose.
“Did you just hear what she called her son?” I asked.
“Yeah, the boy,” said Landon. “I have never seen a parent address their kid that way. Geez Natalie, you and your weird stuff you always read but then you know how to spot these things.”
“That is what the books are for,” I said. “To help spread awareness and so people know the signs and what to look for.”
“Yah but don’t you think they would just hide it more?”
“Yeah sadly. It’s unfortunate.”
Then the door opened again and three kids walked outside. It was two girls and a boy and they all looked younger and older than the boy. The boy looked older but the girls looked younger and the mother didn’t even introduce her kids to us. Instead she only shut the door right when they came outside and she didn’t even tell us what the rules were for her children and when she wanted them back by. It was like she was happy to get rid of them.
“Where is your brother?” Landon asked.
“He was bad so Mummy says he couldn’t come out,” said the youngest girl.
“What did he do that was so naughty?”
“I don’t know, Mum says he was just bad and did something wrong but we never know what he does wrong.”
“And we’re not allowed to talk about him,” said the oldest.
I didn’t ask any questions. Of course they wouldn’t be allowed to talk about him or else she would get caught.
We went to my house and went inside.
“Take off your shoes,” I said.
They took off their shoes.
“Did your mother give you any rules before coming here because she didn’t tell us anything like what rules she has for you guys like if you are allowed to watch TV or what time you need to be home by?” I asked.
“She told us to just be home before dark,” said the middle child.
“Okay, I need to know your names because it feels funny having you here and not know what your names are,” I said.
“I’m Aimee,” said the youngest.
“I’m Jennifer,” said the middle one.
“I’m Seth,” said the oldest.
“And what is your brother’s name?” Landon asked.
“Shithead,” said Aimee.
“What?” Landon asked.
“Really?” I asked.
“It’s the boy,” said Jennifer.
“No his name is Jason when he goes to school,” said Seth.
“I used to have a boyfriend named Jason,” I said.
“So what are you kids allowed to do at home?” Landon asked.
“We watch TV, we play,” said Jennifer.
“But is there anything you guys aren’t allowed to do?”
“Not talk to our brother or even play with him or pay any attention to him,” said Jennifer.
“Why is that?”
“We’re not allowed to talk about him. He is very bad.”
“Okay, I think I have heard enough so you kids go play but the rules are no throwing things in the house, stay out of Christina and Natalie’s room, you know the indoor rules,” said Landon.
The kids started to play. They looked at what we had and Jennifer, Seth, and Aimee took off their coats and threw them on the chairs.
“Hey let’s go to our room,” said Haley and all the kids left.
“Wow, sorry I said you have weird thoughts,” said Landon.
“It’s fine,” I said. “I wasn’t offended, your father tells me that all the time.”
“How could she get away with this?” Landon asked.
“Yeah with their big mouths, look at what information they had revealed to us,” I said. “I wonder how abusers get away with it for so many years if their kids have mouths you know.”
“I know.”
“But I wouldn’t let the mum know what her kids told us or else she might cut us out of their life and we might never see Jason outside again and before you know it, their house is empty.”
Then Daddy came downstairs with Tristian. “He wants your boob.”
He handed him to me and Landon said to his dad, “Dad I need to talk to you.”
“What is it?” Daddy asked.
Landon led him out of the room.
It must be a private talk and I bet it was about Jason.
I took Tristian up to my room and sat down at my computer and started nursing.
I thought about his birthday and looked forward to tomorrow. I read online and it kept my mind off Jason. I always distract myself with other things to forget about Jason. It also kept my mind off the recent terrorist bombing and my loss of job.
I heard a little conflict between Landon and his dad and him saying again “I don’t want to start trouble.”
I ignored it their argument. I felt like I had dragged Landon into this because I had chosen to go on that street. But at least I had someone on my side and a witness and someone to confirm my suspicion so I didn’t look crazy. I also knew what Daddy meant by us starting trouble. We didn’t even know what the Mum was capable of like we could make it worse for Jason or she makes up a story about us and gets us into trouble and who knows what she could do to us. No wonder so many people don’t call social services or why they ignore it and stay out of it. They are afraid of trouble. But I didn’t feel afraid. I was only afraid of making it worse for Jason. I had hoped I didn’t make it worse for him. I noticed how unfriendly he had gotten with me lately but I figure his Mum has something to do with it so I keep my distance but still give him attention. It would be nice if all neighbors did that.
Then Aimee, Jennifer, and Seth soon had to go home so I walked them home. My excuse was I was hoping to see Jason and maybe talk to their Mum more. It was raining out so I just drove them home the two blocks and I parked in front of their house. I got out with them and they went right in their house. I went inside with them and I was hoping to catch the mother in something but sadly I didn’t. Jason was nowhere to be seen.
“Your kids sure had fun,” I said. “I would like them to come back and you can come over too and bring the boy.”
OMG I couldn’t believe I had just called him that but I couldn’t call him Jason or else the Mum would know her kids had talked about him.
“You have no idea,” she said.
“Well he hasn’t been any of those things you claim when I would see him outside,” I said.
“He is very manipulative and puts on an act,” she said.
“I see,” I said. “Well I have handled bad behavior before and known some bad kids so I am sure your son can’t be any worse.”
Of course I was bluffing. Here I was lying and Daddy says I can’t even tell a lie but here I was lying.
“Well you guys are all still invited to come to my house at four for my son’s party,” I said. “I would like to have the boy there too and if he is bad, you can always do your thing with him what you do here.”
I doubt she would do anything to her son in front of us.
“Why are you so interested in my son? Is it because you lost your own?”
“Oh you must have heard about it from people,” I said. “No it’s not because I lost my own. I have my own already, he is turning one. It’s just that your son is so lonely and always outside and never dresses right for the weather and he is dirty and never bathes and he is so skinny.”
“Look lady, I know what you are thinking and you aren’t the first one, we will just move again,” the mother snapped. “Whatever that child has been telling you is all lies. He is manipulative and will make claims about what we do to him that are not true. He has gotten people to harass us.”
“Okay,” I said.
That explained why they moved here. And I had blown my cover. I was a bad liar. I looked at her home and it was a mess and barely clean. Their outside of the home was a mess too because it looked rundown because they had grass growing in between the cracks on their driveway and they had weeds in their flowers and the inside of the home smelled like smoke. I felt sorry for their kids.
“Well I gotta go, you guys are still invited to come, the party starts at four,” I said. “Also give your kid therapy for his lies. When children lie like that, it means they have a problem.”
I left and headed home.
I had doubts the kid was lying and the mother was just full of it. Also I knew if I called social services now, she would know it’s me. But I was worried about Jason. Now I had bets that she would start being nice to her son now and treating him like her real son. At least I gave him a normal life briefly. So calling them would be pointless now because they show up and the whole family is normal and so is Jason and he lies to the social worker and tells them how great his Mum is and how she has never done anything to him and he has never been starved or worn dirty clothes or made to go outside without any coat or sweater on or long pants or made to do “chores.” Then I look like the liar. Abusers are so good no wonder people don’t butt in and why Daddy said he didn’t want trouble. There was nothing I could do either but be nice to him and give him attention and always welcome him in my home. That was the best I could do. I decided to not call social services.
I laid all night in bed thinking about Jason. I also thought about the terrorist attack and how lucky I was to be alive and how forgetting my phone made me miss the bombing. I also had realized my family back in the States might have heard of this because I saw it posted online too on Reddit, Facebook, and on Wrongplanet and it was even in the US news. Any terrorist attack goes worldwide so I bet my Mum and my relatives and my siblings were worried about me thinking I was dead. At least Dad knew I was alive and I wondered if he had told them I was okay. Yeah they would know I was alive because I posted on my Facebook after the bombing and I have my Mum on there and my aunts and my brothers and sister and my cousins but not all of them. I wasn’t close to my whole family anyway or to my Dad’s. I am fine with having them as Facebook friends and seeing them that way.
Well hopefully Jason had a break now from the abuse but only briefly. I was not going to be surprised if I find the house empty again.
Chapter 5
I woke up the next day and I was so excited for Tristian’s birthday today. I don’t know why I was excited for my child when it was his birthday but not mine but I wanted cake is why. That was all I cared about.
My nappy was soaked again and it smelled strongly like urine again. I rubbed it. I liked the squishy feeling around my bottom. Daddy was still sleeping. He laid on his tummy with both his arms down.
I laid in bed and then got out of bed. I didn’t change right away. I got on my computer and read the forums again. I also checked on my Facebook. I read the comments and my relatives and some Facebook friends were all glad I was still alive. Even Rosie wrote I had my Mum worried but she was so happy to hear I was stuck on the train.
I wrote on Adisc and Dailydiapers in a short sentence “when in an emergency situation, it’s okay to publicly urinate but it’s not okay to publicly change your diaper.” Then I wrote under it “at least that got me off the train sooner but I had to spend the night in a psychiatric ward.” I had the thread titled Double Standards.
Then soon I heard Tristian up and I stayed in my chair unless he starts crying and doesn’t stop. He made cute baby sounds and I heard him playing with his crib toys.
I was reading on Reddit when he started to fuss and then wouldn’t stop crying. Daddy woke up.
“Honey, our baby is crying,” he said.
“I know, I just want to see if he stops,” I said.
I must have not done it quick enough because Daddy got out of bed and went in Tristian’s room and got him out of his cot. He brought him back to our room and gave him to me. Tristian started nursing on my boob after I pulled it out. Daddy went to the bathroom and flushed the toilet and went back to bed.
I wet my nappy again and it felt even wetter.
After Tristian got done nursing, I let him on the floor to play. He walked to Daddy’s bed and started making sounds at him. He couldn’t even climb up on the bed so he was pulling on the covers and then he started to cry.
Daddy turned over and picked him up and laid him down next to him. Tristian still cried and tried to get him. Daddy let go of him and Tristian crawled all over him.
Then Daddy got up.
“You’re up now?” I asked.
“I can’t get back to sleep. He woke me up.”
“I need changed,” I said.
“Okay, get on the bed then.”
I got out of my chair and my nappy was soaked and so were the back of my pajamas. Daddy put the changing pad on the bed and got my clean nappy and changing supplies.
Daddy put Tristian on the floor and I laid on the pad. Daddy pulled down my pajamas and took them off and tossed them on the floor. He undid my nappy and took out a wipe and started cleaning me up. Then he lifted my legs up and wiped my bottom.
“You need to drink more water,” he said. “Your nappy is very yellow and it should be white or light yellow.”
“But I peed a lot,” I said.
“But you’re dehydrated. You need to drink more water.”
Daddy kept wiping me and it felt so good. Then he took the nappy away and showed me how yellow it was. He held it with two hands and I saw some blood in it from my time of the month. I had a IUD in me so I didn’t get my period much anymore so I only got spotting sometimes. I don’t get period cramps anymore so no more Tylenol for it or any other over the counter pain medicine. Rarely I will get cramping but that has only happened about twice.
Daddy rolled the wet nappy up and put it on the floor. Then he put the clean nappy under me and put rash cream on and rubbed it in the nappy and put it on me.
“Now it’s your turn to change a nappy,” he said. “I just changed one.”
Daddy threw it away in the bathroom and washed his hands. Then he stayed in there to shave and brush his teeth and do mouthwash and even shower.
When he came out he was wrapped in a towel and his hair was wet. He took the towel off and I saw his penis. It was tucked in his scrotum. He got dressed leaving his towel hanging on the knob of our wardrobe. He combed his hair and left our bedroom. Tristian walked over to the towel and pulled it down.
I looked on my computer again and read posts online while Tristian played. He then crawled into the bathroom so I had to get up and pull him out of there and shut the door. I smelled poop from him and decided to change him. I took him to his room and changed his nappy and brought him back to my room and closed the door again. He nursed again and then was back to playing again.
The day went on as normal and I went on Parkland Rd again. I didn’t see Jason in front of his house again. The car was still sitting on their driveway so that was a good sign. I wondered if they were still going to come to the party. I imagined Jason would probably look normal and he will eat and he will act happy and the parents will act happy and so would the siblings and they would be acting like a normal family. I felt anxious walking up to their door again and ringing their doorbell. What was I going to say to them? “Can you come to my house and hang out?” “Can your kids come over again to play?” That would look creepy. What does an adult do to interact with another adult? How do they find friends? As a kid it’s a lot easier making them because it’s socially acceptable to just walk up to them and say “Hi my name is Natalie, can I play?” or go to their house and ring their doorbell and ask “Can (their name) play?” No wonder no one noticed my social issues until my preteens. I walked back home and Daddy had asked me where I went.
“I went by that house again to see what was going on and the boy wasn’t outside again and their car is still on the drive way,” I said. “I wanted to visit but I was too shy.”
“At least you invited them here.”
“I wonder if they will even come.”
“We’ll find out will we?”
Daddy made no effort to help me here and I was too shy to even ask for it. I feared embarrassing myself. I hate social anxiety but at least it keeps me from being inappropriate and it makes me make less social mistakes.
“I need your help in the kitchen,” said Daddy. “Landon, come help me too.”
We went in the kitchen and Daddy got out some food and had us help him make dinner for the party.
“Do we have to do this?” I asked.
“Yes,” said Daddy.
He got close to my ear and said “Because I’m Daddy and I say so, so I want both of you kids in here helping me.”
He gave me a task to do with Landon and we both peeled the potatoes together. Daddy did it with us. We sat at the table.
After we got them all peeled, we cut them up and Daddy put them in the kettle and turned on the stove.
Tristian got hungry so Daddy gave him a little snack. Haley and Alexis were playing upstairs again and Christina was at work and Gailand was off again so Steven and I were just watching the kids.
While we were cutting carrots, I felt something building up in my anus and then poop came pouring out in my nappy. I felt it expand and the poop spreading. I had no way of stopping it. I could even squeeze my butt cheeks together and it would still push its way out. Only time I have ever had control over my bowels was when I was constipated during my pregnancy and I was able to just push it out. I still didn’t use the toilet for my messes because it would have been a pain to take the nappy off and go and put it back on and risk having an accident so I just did it in my nappy and even pushed it out to get rid of the discomfort. Then when I started taking pills to help with the constipation, I was able to go easier but I still had to push it out but at least I was going more often again and the poop was green because of the iron pills I was on for low blood pressure.
The poop felt nice and warm and soft. I kept chopping up the carrots when Landon said a couple minutes later, “Did someone fart or did Natalie poop?”
“I didn’t fart,” said Daddy.
He walked over to Tristian and lifted him up and sniffed him and said “Must be Natalia.”
He put him back in his high chair after he fussed.
“Natalie go change please,” said Landon.
“Please do,” said Daddy.
He opened the kitchen window.
I put the knife down and left.
I went in my room and closed the door and laid on my bed and masturbated. I felt the poop in my nappy and masturbating in it gave me this excited feeling. I would stop and rest and start again and enjoy the messy diaper I had on.
Then I heard Daddy’s voice, “Natalia?”
I got out of bed and grabbed my changing supplies and a clean nappy. I heard Daddy coming and he came in our room as I went in the bathroom.
“Get on the bed Natalia,” he sighed.
I got on my bed and laid down. Daddy got the changing pad and told me to get up. I got up and he put it down and told me to lay down again.
Daddy pulled down my trousers and took them off. Then he undid my nappy. “Phew it’s all over you.”
Daddy grabbed a wipe and started cleaning me up. He wiped my crotch first and then he grabbed my legs and lifted them and started wiping my butt.
My vagina farted.
“You’re so turned on,” said Daddy.
He finished wiping my buttock and then he wiped around the skin layers in my labia and then going inside my vagina to get the poop out.
“Dad?” Landon called.
“Just a minute, I’m helping Natalia with something,” Daddy shouted.
He took the nappy away and let go of my legs and made sure the door was locked. Then he went back to cleaning me up.
“I would have sex with you but then Landon will wonder why we’re taking so long,” he said.
After Daddy finished cleaning me up, he put the clean nappy under me and put rash cream on and on the sides where the nappy touches where there was a rash and then he pulled it up between my legs and taped it shut. He picked up my trousers and put them on me and kissed me.
“Did it turn you on when I pooped in the kitchen?” I asked.
“Yes it did. But I had to make you change because Landon didn’t like smelling it.”
Daddy threw my nappy away for me and he washed his hands while I went downstairs. Tristian was out of his high chair and he was all cleaned up.
“Tristian got done eating so I got him out of his chair and cleaned him up,” said Landon.
“Okay,” I said.
“What took you guys so long up there, what were you doing?”
“Just something,” I said.
“What was it?” Landon asked.
“Just a private thing between us,” I said.
I was hoping he would get the hint I was not going to tell him.
“Ohhhhhhhh,” he said in a different tone of voice.
I bet he thought we were having sex or did he know his dad was changing my nappy? I didn’t ask and it wouldn’t be appropriate to ask.
Then Daddy came back in the kitchen.
“You guys didn’t have to do this now, it could have waited until you were both in bed after the baby is sleeping,” said Landon.
Daddy laughed. “No Natalia just needed help with something else, we weren’t doing it or you would have heard us.”
“Okay, couldn’t she have taken care of it herself?”
“She already does it all the time but sometimes having help with it is nice,” said Daddy. “I sped it up didn’t I?”
“Yes.”
“Okay then, she was taking too long so I helped her with it.”
Landon didn’t say anything else.
We got done with chopping everything up and putting them in the kettle to cook and then Daddy was going to make corn bread. I had to go to the store to pick up the cake but I nursed Tristian first in my room.
After I got done, I brought him back downstairs and put my shoes on and grabbed my purse and coat.
“Okay I am going to get the cake now,” I said.
“Can I come?” Landon asked.
“Sure, hurry up,” I said.
“This will get me out of the house away from working in the kitchen.”
“Landon, that’s not nice,” said Daddy.
Landon got his shoes on and got his coat and went out to the car with me.
We got in and the first thing I did was drive on Parkland Rd. again.
“You never give up do you,” said Landon.
I drove by the house and it still looked normal. No Jason.
I headed to Waitrose.
“Natalie, can I ask a personal question,” said Landon.
I started to feel anxious.
“Why don’t you ever try using the toilet?” he asked.
“Because I don’t feel anything down there so I don’t know when it’s coming,” I said.
“Can’t you go every hour or thirty minutes?”
“No it doesn’t work that way. It just comes when it does, I have no control over it.”
“You can’t even relax your muscles to let it out to keep yourself empty?”
“No,” I said. “I have no control over anything down there so I can’t just relax them. I even have this big ugly scar on my back from the accident and I was pretty beaten up down there. I was lucky my female parts weren’t wrecked. Only nerves for my bowels and bladder were.”
“Can you use a catheter?”
“I don’t like them.”
“What about getting a bag thing on your tummy so you won’t have to poop in your nappies?”
“I don’t want my body being operated on and I don’t want to deal with any bags. I’m fine with using nappies. It’s something I’ve done most of my life so this is all normal to me.”
“How does it feel to pee in a nappy?”
I felt embarrassed by that question and I didn’t feel comfortable describing it to him especially when he is still a child but he was getting very close to the age of consent here in the UK.
“You would have to try it for yourself and see,” I said. “I have plenty of them in my room so try one anytime but buy your own if you like it.”
“No that’s okay. I was just curious.”
“That was why I said you would have to try it because you wanted to see what it feels like.”
“I just wanted you to describe it, how does it feel when you do it?”
“It’s just warm and then you feel dry again in a few minutes because it absorbs it away from the skin. You get used to it so it doesn’t feel gross anymore. Women have to sit in their blood all the time when they are on their period and they are more prone to bladder leakage because of having babies.”
“My mum had to wear a pad when she was pregnant with me because I wouldn’t quit pushing on her bladder and she also felt like wearing a nappy several times.”
“My mum wore them at night when she was a kid and young adult and she also wore them sometimes when I was a kid and then she started wearing them all the time when I was your age. She gave up on her potty schedules because she found it easier to just use nappies and she noticed less stress by not having to think all the time about her bladder and her potty schedule.”
“How do you know when it’s time to change?” Landon asked.
“When it feels very wet or when I feel any wet spots on my clothes or around my skin.”
“How come you don’t change when you poop?”
“I got used to that too so I always think I will deal with it later,” I said.
“What do they feel like?”
“You mean my messy nappies?”
“Yes.”
“Squishy and I don’t always feel it either.”
“How do you know you’re messy if you don’t feel it? Do you go by the smell?”
“I feel it come out but I just can’t stop it and I feel the nappy expanding and the mess spreading but it feels all normal so I don’t think of anything of it when it happens.”
“Doesn’t the smell bother you?”
“I got used to it.”
“That’s sad. But you should realize that not everyone else wants to smell it just because you got used to it or think my dad always wants to change them. I think he does it just to get rid of the smell because you won’t take care of it, not because he likes doing it. I don’t know how he keeps on doing it.”
You have no idea, I thought.
Of course I wasn’t going to tell him his dad enjoys changing me and he was the one who told me he would take care of my nappies for me so I wouldn’t have to worry about them and the fact he gets turned on by the smell and changing me.
“Natalie, I have one last question, did you hate wearing nappies at one point in your life when you first started wearing them again?” Landon asked.
“Oh god yes I hated it. I used to take them off when I first had to wear them so my Mum had to tape them on me using thick tape and then using scissors to take them off. They were bulky and very hot so they made my bottom sweat and it was hard sleeping in them because they felt so bulky and I hated having accidents and after a few weeks I started to leave them on because it was better than having wet clothes or messy ones. I had to get used to it and now nappies don’t feel that way anymore. They still feel bulky, the thick ones that is but not the Tenas.”
“How long did it take for you to get used to it?”
“Maybe a few months but the pooping it took me to about nine years old to get used to it but I hated having them in school because kids would give me a hard time about it,” I said.
“Maybe because they didn’t like smelling them and you weren’t leaving the class to have it taken care of,” said Landon.
“It wasn’t that. They already were giving me a hard time about it before I got used to it so I didn’t stay in them on purpose after having them.”
“Didn’t you go to the nurse’s office?”
“Yes but I had to let the teacher know first and the kids still didn’t like it and one time we had a sub so she wouldn’t let me leave class at all and I was too embarrassed to even tell her why I had to leave class because my teacher had forgotten to inform her about my medical condition so one of the kids had to blurt out I had to go to the office to get my stinky nappy changed and that was so embarrassing because he couldn’t keep quiet about it.”
“He had to let the teacher know right?”
“Yes but he could have told her it quietly than shouting it out in class for everyone to hear but I think he did it just to humiliate me because kids are mean you know. They have no empathy due to their brains not being that far developed yet but you would expect a 6th grader which you guys would call year six to know which is eleven and twelve years of age in the US because everyone starts reception a year later at five years of age instead of four and we call it kindergarten. But when my Mum was in 7th grade which you guys call year seven, she had diarrhea because her teacher wouldn’t let her leave class so kids called her Shitnita for a while. Then months later they forgot why they were calling her that and couldn’t remember where they got the name Shitnita from.”
“Shitnita, poor girl. Did anyone give you a different name?”
“Yes, I was called Shitalie or Shitalia by my old best friend.”
“She wasn’t a true friend then.”
“She wasn’t. We stopped being friends after the car accident but not right away but she did eventually and turned on me. Then years later she got in a car accident and also ended up in nappies and in a wheelchair but kids still liked her and they didn’t tease her for it in school like they did for me.”
“Really?” Landon asked.
“I was different so I got different treatment,” I said.
I arrived at Waitrose and parked in the car park and got out. I locked the car and we went inside. I went to the bakery section and stood there by the counter.
“Hello,” said one of the bakers.
“Hi I am here to pick up my cake,” I said.
“Name?”
“Natalie Wilums,” I said.
She went to the back and Landon and I waited.
I spotted some free samples and took one. Landon did the same.
Then the baker came back with the cake. I peeked inside and there was Peppa Pig. The baker taped my paid receipt to the box and I picked it up and carried it.
I put it in the trolley and got a couple drinks for the party. I also got some paper plates and cups so we wouldn’t have all those dirty dishes. I also got some napkins and we got ice cream and a number one candle. I paid for them and left. I put the stuff in the back seat and Landon held the cake for me in the front seat. I put the trolley back and got in the car and left.
We arrived home and Landon put the cake on top of the fridge. I took everything out of the bags.
“I got some paper plates and cups so we wouldn’t have all those dirty dishes to wash,” I said.
“Oh Natalia, we don’t have that many people coming,” said Daddy.
“Yes we do, my Dad, my brother, your Mum and Dad, Gailand, Chris, and if those neighbors decide to come,” I said.
“We can still wash all those dishes. No need to buy any paper plates.”
“Dad she just didn’t want the extra work for everyone so she just wanted to get them,” said Landon.
“It’s just a waste of money,” said Daddy.
“She just wanted them Dad okay. Look at how nice these are.”
Landon picked up the paper plates and showed him the prints on them and the color.
Daddy didn’t say anything else.
I heard a car door slam in front of our house and I looked out the window and there was my Dad and Robbie.
I opened the front door and let them inside. Robbie was carrying the present and it was just a gift bag with tissue.
“Open it open it,” he said.
“I will later,” I said.
I took the bag from him and put it in the dining room on the buffet.
Robbie played with Haley and Alexis. Then Gailand arrived and she had a present in her hand which was also another gift bag. She said hi to all of us and she gave me a little kiss on the cheek and then said to me “I got your little guy something, where do you want me to put it?”
I pointed to the buffet and Gailand put it next to Robbie’s and Dad’s presents.
It was already four o clock and only three people had showed up.
“My Mum and Dad will be here but they are running a little late,” said Daddy.
I talked with Gailand.
Our doorbell rang again and Landon answered it. I heard kids talking and then Aimee, Jennifer, Seth all ran in the living room. I saw Jason coming in the room too and this time he was wearing normal clothes and he looked happy. I knew it, he was going to get a break from the abuse briefly because of me so the mother was tip toeing for in case a social worker shows up. I was even surprised they even came.
Gailand then abandoned me and started talking to the mother and father. They introduced themselves as Marleen and Bob. I hung around and listened to them talk because I wanted to know them more. I was on a mission. I also got my phone and looked online and I checked my inbox and saw a message from Chris. It read.
“Sorry, I won’t be able to make it, things got busy. I will still come over some time to bring the birthday present to your son.”
This was the second time she had cancelled out on me. Either she was withdrawing from me or it was just a coincidence. She would say she was coming and then the last minute she can’t make it. But at least she still had the present.
All the kids played and Jason sat by himself. I sat down with him.
“Hey,” I said. “Having fun.”
“Sure,” he said.
“How are things at home?” I asked.
“Great,” he said.
I assumed he meant the literal great. Why would he be sarcastic and have me know the truth about him?
“You know, if you ever need a place to run too, you are welcome here any time. Same as if you ever want to eat, you are free to stop by any time for some food. So what have you been doing at home since yesterday?” I asked.
“Eating, playing, watching TV.”
“Have your parents been acting any different?”
“No.”
Wow he was pretending everything was normal and it had always been that way. I couldn’t blame him though. Child abuse was no picnic, especially trying to help a child who is a victim of it and trying to prove that it’s happening for sure. Here was the family here acting normal. I wasn’t surprised. Boy I read too much and Landon thought I was nuts.
“So tell me what your life has been like for the past year,” I said.
“It’s been great,” he said.
“What has been great about it? Tell me in detail.”
“Um, um um, just played and watched TV, normal kid stuff that kids do.”
Then he got up and walked away.
I knew he was not going to tell me and I bet he only left to avoid answering my nosy questions.
I played on my phone again and then Pam and Darrin arrived. They met the new family and they also talked with the parents. Jason played video games on my WiiU.
Everyone was now here so we had dinner and we didn’t bother waiting for Christina to get here. We would save her some food. We fed Tristian in his high chair again and Jason ate his food very fast because his Mum had reminded him to slow down or he will get himself sick.
“He’s pretty skinny, is he eating enough?” Dad asked.
“He’s very picky so he won’t eat what we give him,” Marleen explained.
“Have you taken him to the doctor to see if he has any food allergies or maybe he has food texture issues,” Dad suggested. “He is eating like he hasn’t eaten in days.”
Yay for Dad for showing some concern about their child.
“Yes but they say he is just very picky and so stubborn,” said Marleen.
“It’s not possible for a kid to starve themselves like that unless there is a medical problem,” said Dad.
Bob looked at his watch and said “Well look at the time, we have to get going, come on kids, get your shoes on.”
The kids got out of their seats and they got their shoes on and got their coats. Even Jason listened and they all headed out the door.
“They sure had to leave abruptly,” said Gailand.
“Yeah because Glen started to question the condition of their son,” said Landon.
“I was just concerned, I wasn’t trying to upset them,” said Dad.
“It must be so hard having a child with food issues and then being judged and they probably felt you were judging them,” said Gailand.
“No they starve him,” said Landon.
“What? How do you know?” Dad asked.
“Because of how fast he eats and Natalie gave him a snack bar yesterday and he ate it so quickly it was like he was in a eating contest. Plus he is so skinny and he was dressed in rags and not appropriate for the weather.”
“How long have you known this family?” Dad asked.
“Since yesterday but I have known the kid since last summer,” I said.
“Did you call child service?”
“No,” I said.
“You should if there is child abuse going on.”
“I don’t want to make it worse, notice how normal they were acting when they were here?” I asked.
“Natalie, if you call them, you will be saving that boy’s life. Your Mum has called them twice and the kids were saved every time.”
“She was lucky but lot of the times they don’t take the kid away,” I said. “I read you know.”
“That’s the US, this is the United Kingdom. Call them.”
I felt nervous. I hated making phone calls.
“But they do good hiding it and the kid can just lie to them saying it never happened and then they leave and things are back to “normal” again. It’s not unsual for the abusers to start treating their kids like normal when they know the possibility of social workers showing up or when they are nearly caught and then someone comes and checks things out and the kids lie about it thinking things will be that way forever but no because things go back to “normal” after they are gone knowing no one else will show up again and this time they are more careful about the abuse so they won’t get caught or noticed.”
“You read too much you know that, you read so much it gets you worried and all worked up and then you have anxiety,” said Dad.
“I hope they don’t charge anyone fines here or arrest anyone here for “false reports” if they don’t find any evidence of abuse.”
“They’re not going to do that if you report your concern,” said Daddy, “If you are concerned about any abuse, you report it and they will check it out and close the case if you’re wrong. It’s their job to make sure the kids are safe.”
I will never forget being in high school when I asked my aide if you can report child abuse if you see it and she said you sure can but you have to be very careful about it because if you are wrong, you could end up paying a fine. I thought then that was so stupid because then it makes people not report it because they would fear being wrong or abuse not being found and then they pay a fine for trying to help a child. While that was meant to keep people from making false reports to get back at someone, it keeps innocent people from actually protecting children because they are afraid the abuser will just cover their tracks and hide the abuse and the social workers don’t see it so they charge the person a fine for making a “false report.” Even Alex’s bio father thought it was stupid because he said it was the most retarded thing he has ever heard.
Everyone got done eating we waited again to see if Christina would come home. Everyone visited while I did my computer again. The kids played. Then I heard her come home and Daddy called my name and I went downstairs and the Peppa Pig cake was already on the table. Daddy opened the number one candle and took it out of the packet and put it on the cake. He got the matches and lit one and lit the candle and blew out the match.
I took a photo of the cake and then I took movies of us singing Happy Birthday and then had Tristian blow it out but Haley and Alexis helped him by blowing it out for him because he didn’t understand how to do it. Christina took photos of him with her phone.
Then we took the candle and toys off the cake and cut the cake and Tristian got his first piece. I gave everyone else their piece with ice cream and then I got myself some and ate my cake and ice cream.
Then we were ready for Tristian to open his presents so I brought them to the table. I handed him mine and he started to rip open the wrapping. I took pictures and then a video. Christina was snapping some and then she went upstairs to get hers. She brought it down and it was a big present she had wrapped. “This is from all of us,” she said. She set it on the kitchen counter. It didn’t look like the present she showed me before.
Tristian finished opening mine and he started to play with the toy. Daddy got it out of the package for him and he started playing with it.
Then Gailand put her present in front of Tristian and Tristian pulled out the tissue and Gailand got her gift out of the bag. It was a toy mobile phone and the other were toy cars made for toddlers. Tristian liked those too and started grabbing them.
“I’ll get those out,” said Pam.
Daddy handed his to Tristian and he opened it. It was a toy piano with buttons and the keys lit up. Then Landon handed his present to Tristian and it was a wrapped present. It was a sorting toy but it was the airplane version. The toy was an airplane and it came with shapes and the airplane had holes for each shape and it also had buttons on it and it played music and it also talked and it had a on and off switch.
“It was from all of us,” said Landon.
Darrin was opening up all the toys while Tristian opened more but we helped him of course.
He opened up Christina’s and it was a toy he put his blocks in and then Christina handed him another one of her presents, the one she showed me, and Tristian opened it and it was those blocks again with stuff inside them. Daddy opened them and took them out of the box.
Then the last present we had for him to open were from Pam and Darrin. Tristian opened their and it was a toy tambourine.
“All these toys are going to drive me crazy,” said Daddy.
“You can turn them off,” I said.
“You can’t turn that off,” he pointed to the instrument.
“Don’t let him have it,” I said.
Then the other present from them I helped opened was another sorter toy but this time it was a castle version and the people with it had shapes on the bottom and Tristian would have to fit them in their correct holes. The toy was a little old for him because it said 18m+.
I thought that was all the presents when Pam brought in a big present.
“Last one,” she said.
She set it on the living room floor and we took Tristian out of his high chair and put him on the floor right by the present. He put his hands on it and leaned on it and then Pam tore open the side to get him started. He started to rip it open and Darrin helped him and it was a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe. I played with one of those when I was a kid. The Little Tykes car looked different than they did when I was a kid because it had a smiley face now.
Daddy and Darrin took the car out of the box and put it together and it was done. No tools were needed. We put Tristian in the car and he looked at the steering wheel and played with it but he didn’t make the car move.
“I remember those when I was a kid but they look so different now,” I said. “I remember we had one when I was little and I played in it all the time and then I got too big for it so it was harder to move in it and then I couldn’t fit in it at all.”
“Did you know they actually made an adult sized car of this?” Darrin asked.
“Yeah I thought it was cool and I wanted it when they put it up for sale,” I said. “I guess even normal adults out there would love to have toys in their size.”
I cleaned up the mess and folded the gift bags and put tissue paper in one of them and I threw away the wrapping and the packages the toys came in and separated them for garbage and recycling. Then I cleaned up the table by throwing away the used paper plates and used napkins.
“Thank you Hun,” said Daddy.
Haley played with Tristian’s piano and Alexis was pushing the buttons on one of the toys he just got.
I browsed on my phone. I looked on the forums again.
People visited and then Gailand had to leave so she said bye to all of us and left. Then Dad and Robbie left because he had school tomorrow and then Pam and Darrin went home. Landon packed his bag and left to head home by bus and train. He told me bye and told me he would see me in two weeks. He left and Christina put her kids to bed while Daddy went upstairs. Then Christina came back down and cleaned the kitchen. She put the leftovers away and put the leftover drinks in the fridge. We didn’t have that many dirty dishes because we had used paper plates and cups so that saved us time.
“Good thing I got paper plates and cups because that is less dirty dishes you have,” I said.
“Yes,” said Christina. “I am glad. Thank you.”
“But Steven got mad at me for it though,” I said.
“Why?”
“He thought it was a waste of money.”
“It’s not a waste if it saves you time when you have extra people here. He can be a jerk sometimes just so you know.”
“Even if he doesn’t mean it?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“At least he apologizes if he knows he’s done something wrong or sees how upset I am.”
Daddy would never hurt me on purpose.
When she got done with the kitchen, she went upstairs. Tristian played with his new toys ignoring his Cozy Coupe. I put him in it and pushed the car around back and forth. He smiled and I tried to show him how to move the car but he couldn’t really reach the floor from the seat. Then I got him out again and I stuck the floorboard in the car so it’s like a push chair for when I push him around in it outside.
I noticed how thick his nappy was so I took him upstairs and changed him in his room. Daddy was in there again on his computer. I threw Tristian’s nappy away when I was done and brought him back downstairs and let him play with his toys more. Then Daddy came down and told me I better put him to bed and he was going to bed too because he had to work tomorrow and told me to not stay up too late.
I used my phone and watched a video on Fullscreen. My nappy got full so I had to change it. I went upstairs and Daddy was in bed reading.
“Daddy, I need changed,” I said.
“Where’s Tristian?” he asked.
“Downstairs.”
“You can’t leave him down there alone, bring him up here and put him in his cot.”
I went back downstairs and got Tristian and picked up the toy he was playing with and put it in the cot with him. He started crying but I ignored it and I shut the door. I went back in my room and Daddy changed me again. Then he took off his pajamas after he finished wiping me and went inside me. I wrapped my legs around his back. Steven leaned his head down and got close to me and kissed me on the face and neck. I had to push him away because it was uncomfortable. Steven let himself up but he still fucked me. I wiped my face and neck with my fingers where he kissed me. Tristian kept crying and Daddy said he was trying to hurry so I could get back to our baby. I peed during our sex but Daddy ignored the urine.
Then he relaxed and I asked if he cummed and he said he was doing it now. Then he was done and he cleaned himself up with the wipes and put his pajamas back on. He cleaned me up again and took away the changing pad and replaced a clean nappy under me and put rash cream on my bottom. He then taped the nappy on and he took my shirt off and put my pajamas on. He threw my wet nappy away and he told me to take care of the changing pad. I took it downstairs with me and tossed it in front of the washing machine. I checked on Tristian and he was just playing in his cot so I left him there. I continued watching my movie.
I thought about what if Marleen was telling the truth about Jason. What if he really was violent and out of control? But then why wouldn’t she take him to a psychiatrist or call social services? I didn’t make Alex wear beat up clothes or make him do ridiculous “chores” or make him dress inappropriate for the weather or even starve him, in fact he starved himself. The only things I had done to him was keeping him locked in his room or fighting him off me or sitting on him but that was all in self defense. I only did it when he was violent or making annoying sounds and I kept all my items locked in bins and all my cupboards locked and the fridge to keep him out of them and I kept the light bulbs out because he liked to flick lights on and off. I also kept my bathroom door locked so he wouldn’t open and close it. That was when he was a toddler and then he grew out of some of it and didn’t smear food on walls anymore or stack stuff or wreck stuff or flick lights or open and close doors. He had new stimulations and I kept extra locks on windows and doors and I had a lock on his bedroom door to keep him in there whenever I needed a break from him but then he got too heavy for me to carry. Only time I had ever slapped him was when he had hit me so I wanted to show him how it felt to be hit and I decided every time he hits me, I will hit him back so he will quit doing it once he realizes I will hit him every time he hits me and he did have my nail marks on his skin from where I would grab him in self defense and give him a little pain to get him to quit hurting me. But even defending yourself against your child is deemed child abuse so he was taken from me for a while and I didn’t care because he was too much for me to handle so he was better off with another family who could do a better job. But apparently that is also wrong. Darn if you do, darn if you don’t. Daddy didn’t agree with everything I did with my son so he always helped me with him whenever he was around.
I didn’t want to judge Marleen too much because what if she just needed help raising her kid and couldn’t handle him like I couldn’t handle Alex. But then I remember seeing how he was starved and poorly dressed and the ridiculous chores he was doing and calling him Shit Head or The Boy. I never called Alex any of that. I called him my son or by his name. Maybe calling social services would get them the help they need so it wouldn’t be like I was being judgmental. I would just be voicing my concern. I decided to just call them again. After all wouldn’t I want someone to call social services on me if I was having trouble with my children and then I get help?
After the movie ended, I went to bed and Steven was already sleeping.
Chapter 6
Everyone was at work the next day so it was just me and Tristian home alone again. I held him in my arms and nursed him while I did my computer. After he got done nursing, I put him down and washed my changing pad. I swept the floor and washed spots off the floor using a spray mop and then I swept the other floors and vacuumed. Tristian played with his new toys again and then he was just exploring.
I figured Jason was in school so I didn’t bother going over there to check up on them. I would do it when Haley and Alexis get home. I figure they will be home by then.
I still heard about the terrorist attacks that happened here online. There was a discussion about it on Wrongplanet and people there were still talking about it. It was even in the American news too and on American news sites. It was also on CNN. I even discovered there was an article online about a “crazy woman changing her nappy on the train and being escorted off. I knew they were talking about me and they didn’t even list my name. No photo was shown either. It was just about witnesses being stuck on a train underground between Greenwich and Canning Town and then seeing a lady changing her nappy on the train exposing her messy bum. It was posted online at on ABDL subreddit on Reddit linking to that article. I looked on Dailydiapers and the article was posted there too and Adisc also had it there too. I had made the articles. Wow incontinence can sure get that much attention but yet having a full bladder doesn’t because there was no news articles about people pissing on the train. I was still being persecuted over my medical condition. No one was considering in the article I was incontinent and I really needed to change or else I would leak all over and get a terrible rash. I may have gotten used to having it but I still didn’t always like it. If I get any nappy rashes, it’s a pain to have them because I can’t just ditch the nappies to air out and then live my normal day. It’s also a pain to need a new nappy and I have no way of changing it or finding a place to change my nappy or planning ahead of time by making sure there will be toilets around or thinking how long I will be gone and thinking if I better change now or not. There is even a thread on Dailydiapers asking if anyone enjoys being incontinent and I wouldn’t say I enjoy it, I just live with it and accept it and have gotten used to it. It’s not something I am upset or miserable about but I enjoy my nappies. I will mind as well have fun with it if I’m incontinent. Even if I could get my control back, I would still wear nappies but the difference is I would have control over when to pee and when to poop and I could hold it at inconvenient times.
I just giggled at the news article about it because my medical condition got that much attention it ended in the media and people were too silly to realize this was a medical condition and there is such thing as incontinent and anyone can have it. I wonder if they would make a big deal if a woman changed her menstrual pad on the train or her tampon?
I went on Facebook and posted the article writing “So you can urinate in emergency situations but not take care of your incontinent product.”
I watched TV again as I browsed online reading things. Then the washing machine got done so I took out my changing pad and put in dirty clothes and hung my changing pad up to dry in the bathroom upstairs.
I did the dishes from yesterday and this morning and turned the dishwasher on and I left the big ones to dry or soak.
I changed my nappy again and spent the rest of my time in the living room. I fed Tristian his food and cleaned him up and I had something to eat because I felt like eating and I hadn’t eaten all day anyway.
When Haley and Alexis came home, I left with Tristian for a “walk” to see if Jason was home yet. I had left over cake with me to give to the family because they had left before we could do the cake.
I walked to the street and saw their house and I walked up to the door. There was a car in the driveway so I knew they were home. Right when I was about to ring their doorbell, I heard screaming inside.
“You little Shithead,” I heard.
I hesitated ringing the door bell and listened carefully.
“Look at me,” I heard.
Then I heard wailing.
I heard Marleen screaming again but I couldn’t make out the words.
I finally rang the doorbell. The screaming stopped and it took maybe a few minutes for her to come to the door. It opened and she smiled at me.
“Hi,” she said.
“I brought over some cake for you guys because you guys left so soon,” I said.
I took the plate out of the stroller from the basket and handed it to her.
I could see Jennifer in the background and Seth but there was no Jason.
“Where’s Jason?” I asked.
“He is upstairs playing but he will be doing his homework very soon.”
I knew she was lying. I don’t have to read any body language to know.
“Okay, can I see him?” I asked.
“No he is about to do his homework so he is pretty busy right now,” said Marleen.
“What about your other kids?”
“They’re busy.”
But Jennifer ran out of her chair and ran to me to say hi.
“Where’s your brother?” I asked.
“In the-”
Marleen nudged her hard before she could finish answering.
“Go back to the kitchen and finish your snack,” she said.
Jennifer went back and Marleen said to me.
“Thanks for stopping by, I will give this to our children.”
“Hey, um sorry for what happened yesterday. My dad wasn’t trying to upset you guys, he was just concerned. Have you taken your kid to a doctor to see if he has any food allergies or any food texture issues, he could have sensory issues and that would explain the picky eating,” I fibbed.
“Yeah we have,” she said.
“And have you tried any therapy for him for his behavior because you said he is violent?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she said.
“And you can always send him over to my house if you need a break from him and I don’t care how often you send him there even if it’s all the time,” I said. “Don’t worry I once had a violent kid too so I can handle it.”
“Thanks for your concern,” she said.
I wasn’t sure if she was being sarcastic or if it was her normal tone of voice but I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to look like an idiot.
This was helping me with my social anxiety. I was talking to her and here I was lying. I was hoping to have her dump her son on me so he would be safe from the abuse and have a safe spot to go to. That was the best I could do to help a child and I would fatten him up. I still didn’t think Jason was violent and it was just a lie by Marleen to turn people against him. I had seen it too much in child abuse stories.
“Is this it?” Marleen asked.
“I guess,” I said. “Uh yeah.”
“Okay,” she shut the door without telling me bye or telling me to see me soon or to have a nice day.
I didn’t walk away right away because I wanted to see if there would be more screaming again. I started to walk away to make it look like I was leaving but stopped and slowly moved back. I still heard no screaming.
Maybe she was just being careful so I left and pushed Tristian down the street and back to the house and went up to the door again to eavesdrop on anything. I still heard nothing so I went home.
I had doubts Marleen would send Jason to my house to get rid of him but I was also hoping she would do it because she hated him so much and he wouldn’t be a burden to her but I knew deep down this was about control and having a punching bag so that was why abusers never get rid of their child they hate. I don’t understand it and it’s probably something I will never understand because I don’t have that mindset.
I went back home and I took off my coat and shoes and got Tristian out of his push chair. I folded the pushchair and leaned it against the wall.
I decided to talk to Gailand about Marleen.
“Gailand, I have a question,” I said,
“Yes,” she said.
“Have you ever known anyone who was abused or ever suspected anyone was being abused?” I asked.
“This is about last night isn’t it?”
“Yes, but have you ever known anyone who was abused or ever suspected it?”
“I have seen some bad parents in public like where they call their kid names or scream at them and threaten to break a bone in their body or kick their ass.”
“But what about at home like in your neighborhood or any kids you have watched?”
“Not that I know of,” she said.
“What do you think of this situation you saw last night?” I asked.
“I was shocked. I don’t know what to think. This was all of a sudden.”
“I wish I could help him,” I said. “I would kidnap him and bring him here but the law prevents it.”
“I know. You can always call the child abuse hotline.”
“And when I went to their house again to drop off some cake they didn’t get to have, I heard the mother screaming and she was saying Shithead and I heard her son wailing and her screaming and she has called him The Boy the other day and even his little siblings say his name is Shithead and they are not allowed to talk about him.”
“Oh my,” said Gailand. “You should call child protective services. If they do their jobs properly, they will interview each child in the house.”
“Unless they have been trained well to lie,” I said.
“Since they were able to slip what they call him and not being allowed to talk to him, they will slip again.”
That was a good point she had made. I decided I really should call them.
“I think I will call them,” I said. “But how do I know the number?”
“I am sure you can look it up online.”
I went on my phone and looked up how to report child abuse.
I called our local police and they answered and I told them about my suspected abuse but the officer seemed unfriendly because he acted like I was being a nosy neighbor and paranoid and that I was making assumptions and even telling him about the mum calling him a Shithead and The Boy and the fact his siblings said they were not allowed to talk to him or pay any attention to him and that didn’t bat an eye for him. He just told me they can’t be wasting their time harassing families when they have bigger things to worry about. I protested that abuse is a big issue to worry about and Jason is so skinny and he eats his food so fast but the officer got rough with me and I hung up. That was pointless.
I told Gailand about it and she was sorry it happened and told me to try again. I told her they won’t do anything and she said I might get another officer than the same one so keep trying. I told her I just wanted to call social services.
I wished I still had Maria’s number because she was my social worker for a while and then I lost her number when she closed the case on me because I wasn’t having any other trouble after Alex’s death and I had my family and my husband and my cousin for support so they were not worried about Tristian and my anxiety had gotten better and my problems because of less anxiety. For some reason anxiety makes me dysfunctional and causes me impairments while for most people they only have psychical symptoms and it doesn’t limit them. I must have a rare type of anxiety and there is nothing that describes mine but go on the anxiety forum on Reddit, I see how impairing it is for some people because it affects them getting a job or even having employment or doing daily tasks. I don’t have that kind of anxiety. I am not anxious about getting work or looking, it’s people that stop me from getting one because they don’t hire me after I have turned in my application. But I do have a problem with organization and planning and knowing where to start and the fact I have no references or know anyone but I could use Chris as my reference or use her for my cover letter or recommendation. I could use the staff at Alex’s old school who were his teachers since they know me. But I don’t know if it’s the anxiety that is giving me problems with knowing where to start and being organized or if I am having anxiety because of those issues.
I kept looking online finding other ways to report child abuse but I was wondering if anyone else would do it for me like Daddy or Landon or Christina. I dialed another number I saw on the website. I talked to a lady on the phone and this time she was helpful and friendly. I gave her my contact information and name and I told her I didn’t want Marleen and Bob to know I called them and I also gave them the location but I didn’t know their home address but I knew the street they lived on so I described their house and their car. She reassured me she would give the information to the police and child services. I thanked her and hung up.
That wasn’t so bad. Even if I were wrong, at least they would take care of it I hope and help that family and their child if he is indeed this violent manipulative kid Marleen describes and if he does starve himself for real. But I couldn’t get passed Shithead and The Boy. Mum and Dad have never called me those things, I was never called The Girl but Kelly and I were called The Girls or Girls but that was different. We were never called any profanity names. I find it disturbing anyone would think that it’s normal like that one officer did. Maybe he was called those things too so he didn’t know any different. Also why would it be a secret about Jason so the siblings were not allowed to mention him?
The lady on the line did tell me to do what I have been doing and to take my step son’s advice too.
The only problem was my anxiety. I hated getting nervous in new situations and around people I am not familiar with thinking I am going to do something wrong and be rejected. I even wonder if lot of my social problems are anxiety related. But I was glad I had that taken care of. Now all I had to do was hope they do their job.
I realized I had forgotten to call Anna again so I had to remember to call her again tomorrow. I looked on my phone for any missed calls and I had none. She had not called me.
Jason was off my mind for the rest of the day and I didn’t even think about him but I still thought about the terrorist attack and me surviving and how I would have been dead if I didn’t forget my phone.
Chapter 7
The next day I remembered to call Anna. She answered.
“Hello?”
“Anna, this is Natalia calling,” I said. “I used to work in Canningham Square before the terrorism occurred, you were supposed to call me back about another job.”
“Oh yes, we don’t have any openings right now but you are on the list for needing a job. You still interested in caretaking?”
“Yes,” I said.
“You will get a phone call from me when one opens. We have tons of people on the waiting list for a job and there aren’t enough going around but they have been talking about expanding to doing food service.”
“What are you guys going to do in it?”
“Oh like ship out food products and they are going to produce food too and ship them out to companies,” said Anna.
“Is it going to be an outdoor job or an indoor job?”
“Both.”
“When will that start?”
“We’re working on it this spring but it won’t officially start until next year. So you we will let you know when a new position opens okay.”
“Okay,” I said.
I waited for a cue to hang up.
“Bye,” she said.
“Bye,” I said.
I hung up. I was going to enjoy the rest of the month of not working before I start looking for another job the normal way. I knew there would be a higher chance of getting fired but I didn’t care. I like to keep trying. I was still going to try and go for part time because that is what I can handle for now.
I spent the rest of the month of not working and I still walked by Jason’s house and still kept trying to invite their kids over but Marleen got mad at me for “stalking her” because I wouldn’t stop going by her house and knocking on their door just to talk and she said she would file a restraining order on me. I didn’t take it seriously of course because the worst that could happen was someone showing up at my house and handing me the papers to stay a certain feet from her house and from her and her family. I still came by their house but I didn’t knock on their door again. I didn’t want to deal with her hostility and she already didn’t like me because she couldn’t get away with abusing her child if I was always dropping by to be friends. Or maybe I just did this all wrong so she got mad but I still thought it was due to the abuse.
Then one day I did notice their house was empty one day. I was not surprised. But I also felt sad for Jason. I wondered if a social worker had showed up or did they leave before it even happened? I couldn’t help but blame myself but I had to remind myself the abuse still would be happening even if I didn’t try to do anything about it. There was nothing I could have done. I just hoped Jason would remember me and I had attributed to his life in a good way.
Landon came over again when it was that weekend again and the next day we went out together with Tristian. He wanted to go out and do something with Daddy but he refused because he wanted to work and there was another argument between them. Landon shouting how can he pick work over him when this is the weekend and he only there two weekends a month and then Daddy getting mad at him saying he said this noon so he slammed the door in his face and then Landon came down and asked me if we can go out and do something together. That made me happy because at least it will get me out of the house and I am not working and I could bring Tristian along so he could have a day out too and explore. I got ready and Tristian ready and packed a lunch for us and snacks for Tristian.
We took a trip to inner London together. I do admit Landon is cute but I was too old for him and he was my step son and I was married so all this would be creepy and inappropriate if I made out with him and flirted with him and cuddled with him.
“Does my dad ignore you too?” Landon asked.
“No,” I said.
“So he doesn’t get upset with you if you interrupt him?”
“No,” I said.
“So do you think if you had interrupted him today and ask him to take us somewhere, he would have done it?”
“Maybe,” I said.
“Why didn’t you do it?”
“I didn’t think of it,” I said.
“I feel Dad doesn’t care about me anymore because he doesn’t seem interested in me anymore but I only come because of my brother and you,” he patted my back.
“You should tell him this so he knows how you feel,” I said.
“How can you marry a guy like that?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “He treats me well and is very understanding.”
I also didn’t want to say he liked being my daddy and taking care of me.
“Excuse me, how old is your son,” a lady asked Landon
“Oh no he’s my half brother,” he said. “She’s my step mum.”
“Oh,” said the lady.
“He’s a year old,” I said.
I bet she was wondering how this guy could be my step son especially if he looked like a man and I still looked young in my twenties. But I didn’t care.
“I thought you two were together,” said the lady.
“It’s happens,” I said. “I look so young and he is looking like a young man already.”
Landon was growing facial hair and his voice had already changed. My dad didn’t grow a beard until after he was eighteen. Daddy said he was in university when he was growing one. Landon was just getting it this year and body hair on his legs and arms.
That was the end of our little chit chat and Landon and I just sat together and he was touching my shoulders and my hands. The touch felt good.
We got off at Holborn and took the train to Covent Garden. We walked to the London Transport Museum. I paid for one adult. Landon and Tristian were free because they were under eighteen.
We started our tour with the museum. First room we looked in was Digging Deeper. It talked about the London history of the underground and how it became electrified in 1890. The room had displays and photographs and old items from the days. It even showed one of the tickets from that year. I even saw a model of one of the escalators going underground.
“Natalie, come here,” Landon grabbed my hand and pulled on me. I pushed the push chair following him and he showed me a train model. I looked at it.
We got done looking in the room and went to the next room. It had a bunch of old underground logos and old London underground maps and other posters. I also looked at the models.
Tristian got hungry so I nursed him while I looked around. Landon got hungry so I opened my nappy bag and took out his lunch and gave it to him. He ate his sandwich and his cheese and crackers.
After Tristian was done nursing, I put him back in his push chair and gave him his snack.
Then we were in a big room looking at all the old buses. We could walk in them and look at the manikins dressed in old fashioned clothes who were sitting in the seats.
I looked on another bus and then I felt pressure building up in my anus and then poop was coming out and into my nappy. Luckily I was in an isolated area because no one was around me.
I felt the poop going up my butt crack and it felt like a medium sized one and it was very soft. I just kept looking and looking at the other displays and then I caught up with Landon again. He didn’t say anything about my dirty nappy. We looked around and then I ran into someone familiar. I stared at her and she looked at me. She had brown hair and she was close to my height and average build and she was just standing there alone.
“Natalie?” she asked.
“Who are you?” I asked.
I tried to recognize her but I couldn’t.
“We went to school together, did you forget?” she asked with an American accent.
“Give me a hint,” I said.
“Shitalie you broke my leg at practice and made me quit soccer.”
“Veronica,” I said.
“Oh you do remember.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Looking.”
“No, I mean here in London. Do you live here now or are you just visiting?”
“Just visiting. We have always wanted to visit Europe.”
“So you have kids now?” I asked.
“No way. My husband and I are dog people, they’re our children.”
“So you’re childfree, you still wear diapers?”
Veronica scoffed. “You haven’t changed. Are you?”
“Yeah unfortunately,” I said.
“I can smell it, still Shitalie.”
I ignored the name.
“You haven’t changed either,” I said.
“Why are you here?”
“Just spending time with my step son because his dad is a workaholic and this here is my son. He just had his first birthday.”
I turned the pushchair to face her so she could see my son but Veronica didn’t bother looking at him.
“So you’re married to a guy who pays no attention to you, that’s awesome.”
“No he gives me attention. He just likes to work because it’s his interest. He is obsessed with work so he spends lot of his time with it but if I get his attention, he will give me attention.”
“So you married another retard.”
“He is not retard, he is very smart. He went to college but to be exact, he was a social retard so you could still say he was one,” I said. “But he is very smart above average. I found his old test scores. He isn’t a genius but he is above average and he is an engineer and works with computers. He just wasn’t people smart.”
“It takes one to know one,” said Veronica. “Nice to meet you again Miss Evans.”
“It’s Wilums now,” I said.
Veronica walked away. I thought I heard her say “a bunch of retards marrying other retards and making more of them.”
This felt like high school all over again. I was hoping Tristian would be alright and not turn into Alex or be another me. I was hoping for him to be “normal.” So far he was.
I looked at her butt to see if she was wearing a nappy but I couldn’t tell.
Landon who was standing near me said to me “Who was that?”
“My old friend Veronica, the one who used to call me Shitalie,” I said. “She is still the same from childhood.”
“That’s a bummer. Ready to see the Film Museum?”
“Yeah,” I said.
We were starting to head there when Landon said “I would take care of the smell first. I have been smelling it and I would like it to be taken care of if you don’t mind. I hope you aren’t expecting me to take care of it for you.”
“No I wouldn’t want you doing it, that would be freaky,” I said.
“I was kidding,” he was laughing. “Oh man the look on your face was priceless.”
“What did it look like?”
“I can’t explain it. It was just funny. You thought I was serious. Go on go take care of that foul odor.”
I took my nappy bag and brought it to the toilets with me. I changed in the disabled toilet.
After I was done taking care of it, I threw it away and washed my hands and left the disabled toilet. I met up with Landon again who was waiting for me at the exit with my son.
“Thank you,” he said.
We went to the Film Museum and this time I had to pay for Landon but Tristian was still free.
I had my snack and then we started to look around. The whole entire museum was dedicated to James Bond so they have all the movie props and the vehicles from the movies.
“Did you know that the medical experts say James Bond is a high functioning sociopath?” I asked.
“What? You gotta be kidding me? He is a fictional character, how do you diagnose a fictional character?” Landon asked.
“You ever noticed all the stuff he has done in the movies especially to his enemies and how he has no problems killing anyone.”
“He’s a secret agent, he is licensed to do that or otherwise everyone in the war is a sociopath or all the secret agents out there and everyone who has fought in the war.”
“He treats women like objects and doesn’t care for them and in GoldenEye he races down the road that is very curvy and he doesn’t care how nervous he is making his psychologist feel and he races Xenia down the road and she tells him to stop but he doesn’t, that is a sign right there,” I said. “Also he drops the Dr. Evil looking guy in one of the smokestacks at the abandoned Battersea Power Station.”
“He’s a fictional character, it’s all meant to be funny and for entertainment or otherwise it would all be boring.”
“Winnie the Pooh characters have also been diagnosed, Eeyore has depression, Rabbit has OCD, Tigger has ADHD, Christopher Robin has schizophrenia which would explain the talking stuffed animals.”
Landon smirked.
“You read dumb shit,” he said.
“And Piglet has anxiety and Kanga is about the only normal character there is. I have even seen other Disney characters being diagnosed like Belle has schizoid disorder so that would explain why she was indifferent to the whole village making fun of her and why she doesn’t fit in.”
“That is all sad,” said Landon.
“People say online Cruella De Vil is a sociopath. I wonder if the Badun brothers would have low IQs because that would explain why they were so stupid in the animated movie. They didn’t seem that dumb in the live action movie so John Hughes have changed the characters.”
“People waste their time diagnosing fictional characters rather than enjoying them,” said Landon.
“People also diagnose celebrities like medical experts have already diagnosed Trump as a sociopath, and as having narcissistic personality disorder.”
“Oh god,” said Landon.
“I think people toss around labels these days instead of considering someone could just be an asshole and have nothing be wrong with them,” I said. “They forget that you have to be impaired to have a disorder and Trump is rewarded for his behavior.”
“He’s a rich man so people let him get away with his bullshit. My mum hates him, she can’t stand him because he is a sexist pig and a misogynist. Plus he’s stupid.”
“I think anyone can be an asshole and be racist and a xenophobic and a misogynist,” I said. “I don’t know if he is stupid. He is just narrow minded and doesn’t seem to get there are other perspectives.”
“That’s what stupid is, anyone can be stupid,” said Landon.
“Oh you meant any IQ, okay. I thought you meant he had a low IQ.”
We looked at the exhibits and I saw all the real live 007 stuff but I knew it was all props and they didn’t actually work like they did in the movies.
We stayed past closing and then we left. We were heading back to the tube station when Landon asked me. “So what were you and the old friend talking about?”
“Nothing really. I didn’t get to ask her about her time here or what she planned on doing in Europe and what she had done so far and how long she’d been married or how she is doing now with her body and she didn’t tell me if she was still in nappies. Plus she called your dad a retard but I told her he was very smart but he was a social retard to be exact if she wants to count that but he is still very smart but not a genius, just smart and she said it took one to know one.”
“Ha that’s a compliment,” said Landon.
“How so?” I asked.
“She called you smart.”
“No she meant retard. She had not changed one bit because she was still insulting me but I didn’t react to it.”
“Good,” said Landon.
“She didn’t even ask me anything about myself like who my baby was or even ask if I had other kids or what I was doing in life or how I was,” I said.
“Sorry she didn’t give you the small talk you wanted.”
“I was just curious,” I said. “I thought she would be curious about me too but I guess she didn’t care, plus she called me Shitalie again.”
“Well you did smell pretty bad.”
“She just hasn’t changed is all, not since high school. Some people never grow up so I seemed more grown up than her because I didn’t fight with her or insult her back.”
“Good for you.”
“But I told her she hadn’t changed much either.”
“So you did fight with her a little.”
“Well she was insulting me and your dad,” I said. “What do you think of your dad?”
“I don’t know he’s my dad.”
“Do you feel he is a good father or a jerk or cold hearted or a retard?” I asked.
“Just because he and my Mum didn’t get along doesn’t make him bad,” said Landon. “But he seems to not pay any attention to me and I am just there but I have my step family and in fact he never seemed to care who I lived with and if I saw him or not.”
“He only wanted what was best for you, he didn’t want to take you away from your peers and teachers and your friends,” I said.
“I know but he didn’t seem to care if you know what I mean because I hear most parents try to get custody or at least have half or see them more and he never did that.”
“But he loves you,” I reassured him.
“Oh yeah, does he ever talk about me?”
“Yes sometimes.”
Landon scoffed. “Sometimes? He should be talking about me all the time.”
“I don’t talk about my son all the time,” I pointed out.
“You should, he’s your son but what do I know, you’re both weird. But I like you, as a friend,” he patted me on the back.
“But not as a step mum right?” I said.
“Yeah.”
“But you are happy living with your Mum and step dad so that is all it matters and you wouldn’t like us as your parents anyway,” I said. “So Dad fighting to have you live with us would be pointless and selfish.”
“That was another thing that drove my Mum crazy, being so logical.”
“Besides there is more to life than talking about your kids all the time,” I said. “It’s like once parents have kids, they get Asperger’s because they then can’t stop talking about their children and that is all you ever hear about it’s like they don’t have a life anymore because it evolves around their kids.”
“But isn’t that what parenting is?” Landon asked.
“Yes but they are still more than being a Mum or a Dad. Surely they still have their friends and their jobs and still have their outside interests and can they not talk about the weather anymore or their work or whatever in the world is pissing them off or talk about current events or politics?” I asked.
We got to the tube station and we went down the stairs and Landon helped me carry down the pushchair. I scanned my ticket in the machine and Landon put his ticket through the machine and we headed to the platform.
We got on the train when it got here and we rode it to the other station.
“Man I’m hungry, let’s stop to get something to eat,” said Landon.
“We can eat at home,” I said.
“I mean I don’t want to eat at home, why can’t we stop somewhere and eat. I am sure there are lots of eating places around here.”
“But I don’t want to spend any money,” I said.
“I have my own,” said Landon.
Doh.
“Fine,” I said.
We got off at the other station we were back above ground again.
“Well there’s McDonalds,” I said.
“Is fast food all Americans think about?” Landon asked. “I see Sainsbury. Let’s go there.”
I followed him to the store and we went inside.
I gave Tristian more food again I brought with for him.
Landon looked around and he bought himself a sandwich again from the deli and a drink. He paid for them and I saw how much cash he had on him. I could remember the days when I always carried cash, now I only carry cards. I don’t have cash on me anymore or change.
Then we left and he started eating his food again. We went back to the station and waited for the red line.
We got off in our area and started to head to our bus stop. I nursed Tristian again.
“Does it bother you that you smell like shit in public?” Landon asked.
“I’m used to it so no it doesn’t bother me anymore. My Mum used to tell me it’s part of life so I had to get used to it.”
“Wow,” said Landon. “But I don’t think she ever meant you had to stay in it.”
“Well I used to whine about it and my mum would basically tell me to shut up about it because this is part of life so I would have to get used to it. After a while I stopped caring because I have this medical condition so it’s not my fault. Some people drool because they can’t help it, some breath real hard and loud due to a medical condition, some people have problems with body odor so they smell no matter what, some people have deformed figures, and I am incontinent. I don’t know why the other things are acceptable but not this.”
“Because it’s bodily functions,” said Landon. “And no one wants to smell BO either.”
“Yeah I know but there is still a big stigma on incontinence and nappies are still frowned upon in the states because it’s all about being discreet while here in Europe it’s about being practical. I always preferred practical diapers because I didn’t like leaking all over and having my messes leak out of my nappies so I didn’t care how thick they were. Thicker nappies meant they held more and did their job more. It was hard when I was a kid because you know how mean kids are but as an adult I would expect them to understand and no one says anything about it anymore so it’s easier for me to deal with it.”
“Just because no one says anything about it doesn’t mean they enjoy smelling it or want to smell it and they might not even know it’s you.”
“I know. I still feel discreet about it and my son can get the blame.”
Our Bus came and I took Tristian off my boob and Landon helped me with the pushchair. I picked up my nappy bag and put it on my shoulder and I got on the bus while Landon carried the folded pushchair on the bus.
We sat down and Landon put the pushchair under the seats while I held Tristian.
When our stop came, we got off and I put Tristian in his pushchair.
We made it home and Daddy was nowhere to be seen. Christina had just made dinner so I ate it while Landon played on his mobile phone.
“Christina, guess what?” I said. “I saw one of my old school mates who happened to be visiting here in London and she was at the London Transport Museum.”
“Oh what a small world, did you say hi?” Christina asked.
“Not really, she only said my name and asked me if I knew who she was. Then it was like being in high school all over again, she has not changed.”
“Oh bummer, well at least you got to say hi to someone you knew.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I tried to be friendly with her but she was the same as always, insulting me and my husband calling us retards and me Shitalie so I told her she hadn’t changed one bit.”
I got some dinner and ate it while Tristian played. I put my plate in the sink when I was done eating and got my computer and went on it. Landon took a shower upstairs. Then he came back down in his pajamas with his hair combed.
“Hey do you have Facebook?” Landon asked me.
“You want to add me as a friend?” I asked.
“Yes, is that okay?”
“Sure, I don’t put anything bad on mine and it’s not like I post inappropriate things, I treat it like it’s real life.”
Landon got on his mobile phone again.
“What name do you use on Facebook?”
“Natalia Evans,” I said.
He typed in my name and asked me which one was mine.
“It will have a photo of me holding Tristian when he is a couple months old,” I replied.
I got off my computer and walked over to him and I looked at the results. There were lot of Natalia Evans on Facebook. Landon looked through them all and I saw my profile.
I pointed to it. “There it is.”
Landon saw it and tapped on it and it took him to my page and he added me as a friend.
I got on my computer again and I kept on reading Reddit.
“You haven’t accepted my friends request yet,” said Landon.
“I haven’t gone on Facebook yet,” I said.
“Get on now,” Landon ordered.
“I will when I feel like it, why the rush?”
“I don’t know. I am seeing what you have on your page and you don’t have much. Oh my, people being offended about the Jeffrey Dahmer tour, who’s he?”
“A serial killer in Wisconsin, USA,” I said. “He’s dead now because he got killed by another inmate during a fight in the showers back in 1994 two years after he had been put away.”
“And you compared it to being offended with Auschwitz being opened to the public.”
“Yeah because none of the Jews seem to be offended about any concentration camps being opened as museums,” I said. “That’s how silly it was to be offended over the Jeffrey Dahmer tour.”
“Your sarcasm is hilarious,” said Landon.
“It’s how I get my point across, it’s pointing out peoples’ faulty logic and making them realize how illogical they are being.”
Landon was silent for a while and then he said “Oh my he was a cannibal. You do read strange things. Why are you so drawn to negativity, why can’t you find happy stuff to read about?”
“Because it’s boring, I want to read about bad things because it’s so interesting and I like to see how dysfunctional people are and how crazy they are and how sick they are.”
I went on Facebook and approved Landon’s friends request. I looked at his Facebook page. He had a bunch of memes and random photo shots with captions on them.
“Hey I see you finally accepted my friends request,” said Landon.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m on your page now. You sure like to post random stuff.”
“Hey did you change your nappy on the train?”
“How did you know?” I asked.
“You have it on your Facebook. Woman escorted off train for changing her nappy,” he read.
“Oh that was just the article I posted because it’s okay to do public urination but not public nappy changing when you are stuck,” I said.
“But you were this nappy woman right?”
“Yes.”
“Wow that must have taken balls.”
“I had no choice, it was either that or leak all over and get rashes but it got me off the train sooner. No one else got off until one am.”
“So what sort of attention did you get on the train for your moment?” Landon asked.
“Nothing, everyone just ignored it but I heard I got complaints so that was why I was escorted off the train. It’s funny how they are quick to respond to this but not to a bunch of people being stuck on a train.”
Landon laughed.
For some reason I make people laugh without even trying to.
Landon stayed up watching TV and then he went to bed on the couch. I went upstairs to my room and I put Tristian to bed after he had dinner again. I gave him some food Christina had made. He cried a little and then he stopped crying after a few minutes.
Days went by and I never got a phone call about another job. I kept myself busy with keeping the house clean and taking care of Tristian and I still had lot of time for my computer and my phone. I still played my 3DS but only the Nintendo Badge Arcade.
Then April 1st came and that was my favorite day of the year. I thought of April Fool jokes to play this year. I posted a prank online about getting rid of Tristian but it was a parody ad of giving away pets. I wrote on Reddit on the Parenting forum
12 ½ month old needs a good home
I am sadly to inform here that my son needs to go to a good home. He is 21 pounds and 30 inches long, has light brown hair. He walks on twos and he will come with a cot and high chair, all his toys, and cups and plates and baby silverware and clothes and nappies and all baby gear. He does climb and get into things and he babbles and he doesn’t cry unless he needs something. I am tired of taking care of him so he needs to go to a good home. Must be loving people and love kids. Please send me a message if interested. I’m in London.
I hit submit button.
Then I posted it on Dailydiapers, Adisc, and on Wrongplanet. I also put it in my blog.
I got reactions and I laughed but some knew it was an April Fools joke while some took it seriously. I didn’t take any negative reactions seriously. I would wait until the end of the day to say April Fools. I decided to play along so I trolled them pretending this was all real. I whined I was being a good parent and it’s parents out there who don’t want their kids so they abuse them than getting rid of them. Would they rather have my child be abused or neglected?
I submitted that post and then I looked at the other posts on my front page of Reddit. I waited for more replies to my joke. I looked on Dailydiapers and Adisc again at my threads. Then I looked on Wrongplanet and at least some there picked up on it was a joke because the day was a dead giveaway.
Then I took a break from the forums and focused on writing and reading stuff online. I updated my Facebook page and fixed some settings on it making some stuff public like my relationship and my location and past employment in case Veronica decided to look me up and I had places I have lived made public now and my education and my nicknames and my past events and when I moved to Seattle and London. That would show her how good my life has become despite what I was like as a kid and went through. At least some of my photos were public like my children because I had shared them on my wall and that was always made public for photos but the rest couldn’t be seen and I made sure I had a picture of Tristian on my Facebook page on top of my profile as a header.
I also realized I made it look like I had two children and were both still alive but I hesitated to add that he had passed away last year or else Veronica would think I was living a shitty life and didn’t have happiness. I was very happy with my life and I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me or think my life had been so bad with Alex and that he had been taken from me before and I left him behind when I moved here. I didn’t even want him back but I was “forced” to take him back being reassured he was acting better now and was calmer now and his behavior wasn’t severe anymore and I had my husband now and he would help me and I had my dad around to help out. Everyone kept telling me I would be a good mother to him.
I left my Facebook the way it is and didn’t worry about Veronica not knowing about Landon or Alex being dead and autistic. Just shows how not everything you find on Facebook is accurate for someone’s life. People can just edit their lives online and only show the good to make it look like they have happiness.
My April Fools joke got shut down on Reddit before I could even say April Fools but I said it on the other forums. Oh well. At least I wasn’t banned and some parents picked up on this was a joke and people there debated about rehoming pets and some argued about how pets and children were not the same and you can’t compare the two so the thread was shut down due to drama.
Then in the middle of April I decided to start looking for a job because I had not gotten a single phone call from Anna. I started to look at the paper for ads for job listings and looking on craigslist. On Craigslist I noticed I didn’t see any good job listings on Craigslist and it was all just porn stars wanted or sexy workers and I didn’t see much real jobs being listed. Just ads being posted by dirty guys like one ad saying “want me to piss on you?” I clicked on it and it turned out it was posted by a woman. I didn’t think Daddy would want me posing for anyone or making sex videos and he doesn’t even want me to be a stripper. He didn’t even want me to let someone pay me to do certain things for an old online friend such as taking naked photos of myself or of my boobs or taking a picture of me to finger myself and he doesn’t want me to be a nappy slut by paying ABDL men to change me for some extra income. He says he will get jealous and plus he doesn’t trust all these men and they could hurt me and my dad told me my husband is right, it would be cheating on him and it’s a very bad idea and I don’t need to be stripping for cash and showing off my nappy, especially if it’s used.
I looked in the other sections of job listings and most of them were ads looking for men or women or sexy workers and those didn’t even look like real job listings. Just horny people spamming Craigslist. I decided to just stick with newspapers and try and find other real job websites. I could try Gumtree.
Stupid terrorists had to make this all hard for me. Finding a job would be a pain in the butt. I had done it before and I could do this again.
The End