Natalie and the Sad Good Bye chapters 1-4

Chapter 3


The next day I had a doctor’s appointment for Tristian for his two-week visit. It was another easy day because of no Alex and I didn’t have to worry about taking him to school or even getting him ready. I still hadn’t done anything with Alex’s room. I called Dad to let him know I had an appointment for Tristian and I asked him about Mum.
“It went well. I called her and she was sitting and reading and just waiting. She walked outside and I picked her up in my car.”
“Did Robbie come?”
“No a friend’s Mum watched him so he is back at home with us.”
“What time did you get there to pick her up?” I asked.
“I got there at four and waited and I waited and waited and your mum never called so I called her and it turned out she had been waiting for an hour so I said “Why didn’t you call?” and she said “I didn’t know you wanted me to but I figured you will come and get me so I waited.
“So I put my car back in gear and I go and pick her up and she is standing at the door waiting and she puts her suitcase in the boot and gets in on the passenger side and I asked her about her flight and she said she did nonstop from Chicago but she and Brian had to get up in the middle of the night to go to the O’Hare and then the plane took off real early in the morning and she barely slept on the plane because it’s so uncomfortable to sit that long in the tiny seats and there is barely any leg room and the loos are real small.”
“Wait, Brian took her?”
“Yes he did, she came to his house and stayed there and he took her to the airport in the middle of the night.”
“Why couldn’t Rosie take her?”
“Because she had to stay home to watch Mary Jane and she has school the next day and Rosie has to work so Brian took her.”
“And I suppose his ex-wife had the kids?”
“Yeah she does because it’s her custody time.”
“But why did she decide to fly out of Chicago instead of Milwaukee?”
“I think it was easier for your mother. It’s very hard to fly internationally because then there are the layovers and it can be very difficult to find tickets that aren’t so many hours in between. Sometimes it will be a ten-hour layover or even one day and I don’t think your mum wanted to wait a few hours at the airport before the next flight and Chicago does direct flights to here and it can be a real pain to find tickets that don’t have a big layover even if it means doing a few stops on the way and that takes longer to get here.”
“I never had to deal with that before when flying here,” I said.
“That is because you did a direct flight,” said Dad. “When I first moved here I had to be at the Denver airport for two days because I didn’t pay attention to what the times said on the tickets when I bought them.”
“Whoa how did you sleep and shower?”
“I didn’t and they had nice leather seats for people to sit on so I laid on those.”
“How did you guard your stuff?”
“I had to rent a locker so I could sleep and not have anything be taken and I had to buy food there and buy disposable razors and shaving cream so I could shave and I had to buy a tooth brush and toothpaste.”
“How did you past time?”
“I walked and read papers and magazines.”
“Why didn’t you call to get your tickets replaced with different ones?” I asked.
“Because by the time I had noticed it, it was too late and there wouldn’t have been a refund so I said “oh shit” and I had to do it.”
I couldn’t imagine staying at an airport for two days because I would have run out of nappies on the way and what would I do?
“But when we flew here when I was a kid, what was that like?” I asked.
“We used travel agents and they found plane tickets for us and it didn’t have a too big of layover but enough time for customs and my family help paid for them.”
“Why couldn’t they do it more often so we could have come here more often when I was little?”
“I don’t know. Maybe too expensive for them too. You were free the first time we went because we had you on our lap so it was a lot cheaper then and boy did we regret not buying you a seat because it was very difficult flying with you on our laps and we had to shift and you wanted to move around and stand so we would walk you up and down the aisle whenever the stewardess weren’t handing out food and drinks and then you wouldn’t quit kicking at the seats in front of you and trying to play with the tables and you wanted to rock but then your head would be hitting us and it was hard to read without you moving around and then you would try and grab stuff out of our hands.”
“Why was I doing all that?”
“You were a baby and long flights are very hard and you were just bored and being in that tight spot was very difficult because you couldn’t move around and eating, very hard because we had no place to put your food so on the way home we got lucky because someone didn’t come on their flight so we had an empty seat right next to us because some man offered it to us so he could sit in the empty seat.”
“And I didn’t even sleep?”
“You did but it wasn’t long because your nap time would end and we would still be on the plane and then some people got upset when we couldn’t get you to quit crying and we were lucky they didn’t land the plane to kick us off because you were screaming.”
“Why?”
“Because you want to move around and we wouldn’t let you. You just wanted to run up and down the aisles and crawl between the seats and there wasn’t room for that but we did let you be on the floor below our feet.”
“Didn’t I have any toys?”
“Yes but you got bored with them and would throw them so we took those away and anything we gave you you thought was funny to throw it. You even threw a book over the seats and hit someone in the face with it. We were also lucky they didn’t land the plane for that.”
“So how was I on the way home?”
“Better but it was still very hard because you still wanted to wander up and down the aisles and you got bored again so you got loud again but you still slept on the seat and that was the only time we got a break. So we didn’t fly here again for a while. We learned that toddlers have a hard time on very long plane rides.”
“But we took Matthew when he was five,” I said.
“He wasn’t a toddler.”
“But the clothes say 5T so they are toddlers.”
“I mean like three and still in nappies.”
“Is that why we didn’t come back for a while?”
“Part of it.”
“I sure made the flight hell for you guys,” I said.
“You were just trying to keep yourself entertained but you didn’t know how to do it appropriately because you were a toddler. “
“And telling me how to do it I still wouldn’t have understood.”
“Right.”
Then I brought the topic back to Mum. “So where is Mum now?”
“She is here at home, you wanna talk to her?’
“No I have to go to my appointment soon, I just wanted to know what she is doing?”
“She is just reading.”
“I am surprised she hasn’t said anything yet, does she know I am on the phone?”
“Anita, did you know your daughter is on the phone?” Dad asked.
I heard her voice in the background.
“She said she heard you,” said Dad.
“I am surprised she still hadn’t said anything about me calling.”
“She knows she’s going to see you.”
We talked for a couple more minutes and then we hung up. The reason why I didn’t want to talk to Mum right now was because I was worried she would go on and on with one of her tangents about her trip and it would be very hard to get her off the phone and to even get a word in edgewise. Then she gets mad if you interrupt but ironically it’s rude to keep on talking and not let anyone else have a turn and she gets mad for your rude behavior when she is doing it herself. I didn’t want to deal with her story on the phone especially when I had to get to the appointment in a few minutes. Plus I didn’t want to deal with her social disaster if she is still one. Last time she was here she was so into using good social skills it drove me crazy so I would rather have the old her back but I didn’t want to deal with the old her right now. But since she didn’t knowledge my existence, maybe the old her is back or otherwise she would have interrupted asking if that was me on the phone or saying she wants to talk to me. Or maybe she was still the new her because she was being polite by not interrupting and was waiting for Dad to finish talking so she could speak up. I forgot to ask Dad if she was still a social disaster but I will find out tomorrow.

I started to get ready. I got Tristian dressed in a nice 0-3 month outfit and I packed our nappy bag. I got myself dressed and then I grabbed my phone and 3DS and left with Tristian. I put him in the backseat on the base and then I started the car.


I arrived at the appointment. I parked the car and got out the pushchair and put Tristian in it. I locked the car and pushed the pushchair into the building. I went to the front desk and waited. Then the receptionist said “next.”
I went up to her and said “I’m here for my son’s appointment.”
“What is your son’s date of birth?” the receptionist asked.
“March 12th 2016,” I said.
“Name?”
“Tristian Wilums.”
She typed on the computer and then said “One o clock with Dr. Whitell. You’re all checked in. You will be called from the left,” she pointed.
“Okay,” I said.
I walked to that area and sat down. I played my 3DS again and Tristian started crying so I nursed him again. I kept my boob covered with my shirt and his face.

Soon my name was called so I put the nappy bag in the pushchair and got up and pushed it while holding Tristian. I followed the nurse through the door and we went into the office.
“I will wait until he is done eating,” she said. “So I will be back in five minutes.”
She closed the door and I sat down and went back to my game. Tristian nursed and then he slowed down and still sucked my nipple sometimes.

Soon the nurse knocked on the door and came in and said “Oh, is he still eating.”
“I think he is done,” I said.
I put my finger inside his mouth to unlatch him. I tucked my boob back in and pulled my shirt down.
“I need you to take off all his clothes and nappy so we can weigh him,” she said.
I started to get him undressed.
“You can put him up here,” she said.
“No that’s fine,” I said.
I got everything off and then she told me to put him on the table. I did and she checked him. She measured his head and took his temperature. Then she measured his height and told me how much he’s grown. Tristian was crying because he was cold. Then she brought in the scale and told me to remove his nappy. The scale already had a pad on it to catch accidents. I took his nappy off and put him on it and she weighed him and he had gained almost a whole pound.
“Okay, you can put it back on now,” she said.
I put his nappy back on while the nurse put his new weight in the computer with the rest of the information. Then she showed me the chart and told me Tristian was growing normal and his weight is in the normal range.
Then Dr. Whitell came in and he checked Tristian out. He took his nappy off and touched his penis and pressed on it and pressed on his balls and said it was all good. Then the nurse came back in with the needles and band aids andd they gave him a shot in the foot and he screamed in pain and they put a band aid on his heel. Then I had to take out the envelope they had given me in the hospital and give it to them. They got out the papers and then Dr. Whitell had the ink pad with him and he set it on the table and then he started to take Tristian’s finger prints from each finger. Tristian was crying and screaming.
“He is mad,” said Dr. Whitell. “He does not like this at all.”
The nurse was wiping his fingers while Dr. Whitell was taking his other finger prints. Then he was taking his toe prints and his heels and the nurse was wiping the ink off.
Then they were done and I got him dressed again. I held him in my arms. The nurse left.
“How is everything going at home?” Dr. Whitell asked me after he sat down.
“Great,” I said. “He is so easy to take care of and everyone says newborns are a lot of work but they are actually easy because they don’t do anything. All they do is eat and sleep and cry and poop and pee and they can’t even get into things or run off or crawl or even roll over.”
“That’s good. How are things with Alex and your baby?”
“He got out of our house in the middle of the night and he was found two days later and now he is brain dead,” I said.
“Oh no, Really? I am so sorry. When did that happen?”
“This weekend and I didn’t know about it until Monday.”
“Were you gone or something?”
“I was at my in-laws and my husband didn’t even tell me until he was found,” I said.
“So you were visiting them for a few days or something?”
“No I was there for temporarily because I was scared of Alex trying to hurt me and the baby so they removed me from my home and had me stay at my in laws.”
“The social workers?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“Well, I’m sorry for your loss. At least you have this child here,” he pointed to my baby.
“Yeah,” I chuckled. “I just hope nothing happens to this one either.”
I caught myself rocking but at least it looked like I was rocking Tristian so I didn’t stop myself.
I also wanted to give Dr. Whitell a lecture about how it’s not polite to tell people that they have their other child still at least when their other one has died. But I didn’t. Even normies say the wrong things sometimes and they also lack social skills. He was lucky the comment didn’t bother me because it was good I still had my baby and I also didn’t have to worry about the stress and having to take care of him and Tristian. I couldn’t imagine the stress and how I would be able to handle it and take care of them both at the same time. I also didn’t tell him either of this stuff. It could be used against me. I also didn’t have to worry about any abuse and Tristian being in danger and I didn’t have to worry about snapping and killing Alex or abusing him.
“We will need to make a next month’s appointment for your little one,” said Dr. Whitell.
He looked for openings on the computer. “We have a Thursday opening for the twenty first at eleven AM and we have one for the twenty ninth for three o clock.”
“Anything else?” I asked.
He looked for more and then said “We have some for the nineteenth from ten to four, which will work?”
“Any time,” I said. “My son is gone now so now I have more time.”
“Okay, I have you for noon, will that work?”
“At twelve PM?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Okay,” I said.
“I will put you down for it and give you the paper.”
He made the appointment and then he left the office.
I waited and I looked around the room while I held Tristian.
Then Dr. Whitell came back with the papers and said “You’re good to go and you’re already checked out.”
I put Tristian back in his pushchair and picked up the nappy bag. I left the office and went back to the waiting room and left the building. I went back to my car. It was raining out so I took my coat off and put it over the pushchair. I pushed him to the car and put him in his carrier and put the pushchair in the boot. I got in and headed home.
I thought about how much easier my life would be and I hoped for Tristian to be a normal baby and I didn’t want him to be like me or like Alex or like my mother. I wanted him to be normal.

I went to Dad’s to get Mum. They were expecting me and I told them I would come over and get her after my appointment. I had to stop on the way just to feed Tristian and then I got back on the road again. My nappy felt wetter on the way. I was too lazy to stop to change it and I didn’t want to go looking for a place to change or even do it in the car and risk having an accident on the seat.

My nappy had leaked by the time I had gotten there. I grabbed Tristian and brought him inside and I had my nappy bag with. I went right inside and Mom was there playing with Robbie. They were playing with one of his toys on the floor. Mum was putting something together for him to play with.
Dad greeted me and took Tristian from me. Mum looked at me and only said hi and went back to what she was doing.
“I need to get changed, I leaked pretty badly,” I said.
“Uh oh,” said Mum.
“Long drive here,” I said.
“You should have stopped and done it.”
“I didn’t want to do it in the car and I didn’t want to look for a place to change,” I said.
I went upstairs to the bathroom and I took my shoes and trousers off and got out a clean nappy and wipes and rash cream. I took the wet nappy off and I saw I had pooped in it too and wasn’t aware but it wasn’t a lot. I got cleaned up over the toilet and put rash cream on and wiped my fingers on the wipe and put the clean nappy on. I put my used wipes inside my used nappy and rolled it up and threw it in the trash. I saw a couple other wet nappies in the trash too and they were all rolled up tight and taped closed. I put my trousers back on and my shoes. I washed my hands and flushed the toilet and left the bathroom. I went back downstairs.
“Okay Mum I’m ready,” I said.
“Hold on, I am helping your brother here so you are going to have to wait,” said Mum.
“Can Dad do it?’ I asked.
Mom looked at me. “Can you bother visiting your family first? How good does it if you come and don’t even visit? What’s the point in family if that is all you ever going to do?”
“Come on Natalie, just visit with me,” said Dad.
“I would have brought my computer if I would have known I would have to wait,” I said.
“Well that is a good thing you didn’t know, this is your chance to learn to visit.”
“Well I brought my 3DS luckily and my phone,” I said.
“How have you been doing?” Dad asked.
“Good,” I said.
Then Dad took me into the kitchen and said to me very quietly, “How are you feeling about Alex?’
I then knew what he meant when he asked how I had been doing,
“Uh sad,” I said.
“Does it feel strange to not have him with you?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“I know, it does feel weird. I remember how hard it was when Brian moved out and then you and Kelly and Matthew so I know how it is but I know it’s not the same as losing a child.”
“Empty nest syndrome,” I said. “I won’t understand it until mine move out.”
Dad was still holding Tristian. His eyes were open and he was looking around.
I sat down in the living room and took out my 3DS and looked on the screen. I played Pokemon Shuffle again.
“Where’s Alex?” Mum asked.
I hesitated to answer.
“Natalie,” said Dad.
“Uh home,” I said.
“Who’s watching him?”
“Uh Gailand,” I said.
“How is he doing now?” Mum asked.
“Fine I guess?”
“Has he learned any new skills, learn any talking, learn daily living skills?”
This was getting hard.
“Mum I have bad news but I didn’t want to tell you before until you were at my house but he is in the hospital.”
“Oh, what happened? Why did you lie about it?”
“I didn’t want to upset you,” I said.
“You know lying upsets me more than the truth Natalie,” said Mum. She shook her finger at me like Santa does and shaking her head. “When do you think he will be getting out?”
“When I release him off life support,” I said.
“What?” Mum asked.
“He fell in the pond and now he is at the hospital,” I said.
“Is he going to be okay?”
“No, he’s brain dead,” I said.
Mum stood up. “When did that happen?”
“Saturday,” I said. “But I didn’t know about it until Monday.”
“Why didn’t I get the news?” Mum said louder.
I started to get anxious.
“This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you upset on the plane,” I shouted.
Dad waved his hand at me and put his hand on Mum’s back and took over.
“Steven didn’t tell your daughter this until they found him and he was taken to the hospital in London and they couldn’t find any life in him,” Dad told Mum.
“Alex left the house,” said Robbie.
“You’re telling me my grandson is dead?” Mum asked.
“Yes,” said Dad. “Alex has passed away and is no longer with us.”
Then Mum burst into tears. It took me a few seconds to realize they were real.
Dad handed me Tristian and held Mum close not saying a word. This is why I didn’t want to tell her. It was better she did this here than at the airport and on the plane or back at home.
“Who told Natalie to not tell me?” Mum cried.
“I made that decision because of this,” I said. “Look at how you are acting, I didn’t want you doing that on the plane or at the airport or back at home.”
I wish Mum would quit assuming every decision I make is from someone putting me up to it. It’s like she thinks I would never do such a thing so she assumes someone else must have told me to do it.
Mum kept crying. I was upset because I got her sad but I knew she would find out soon and would be this way anyway at my house. I rocked back and forth.
“Natalia, Mum is just upset your son died, she isn’t upset with you,” said Dad.
“At least you still have your other grand kids,” said Robbie.
“No, this isn’t right to say that?” Mom yelled. “That’s so insensitive.”
“Anita Anita he didn’t mean it, he is just a little boy,” said Dad.
“You need to teach him Glen,” Mom yelled.
“He didn’t mean to be insensitive, he was just trying to be supportive.”
But Mom didn’t let it go and she carried on about the comment Robbie made.
This was bringing back memories again. Mum and Dad were having a fight again but this time it was about how Dad should be raising his son instead of how their own children should be raised.
“Robbie go tell your Aunt Anita you didn’t mean it and tell her you’re sorry,” said Dad.
Robbie didn’t say anything and Dad said to Mum “He is sorry, he didn’t mean it. He didn’t know. He was just trying to cheer you up and have you look on the bright side. You still have your other grandchildren.”
“I don’t get to see my other three,” Mum shouted. “My daughter won’t let me and she hasn’t spoken to me in eight years and I only get updates about her through family and my other kids but she won’t tell me a thing about her life.”
“You still have Brian’s,” said Dad. “They live closer.”
Mum was still crying hard and Dad held her tight and had her arms held down.
“Robbie it’s okay, she is just very upset because your nephew died,” Dad told him. “She lost one of her grandchildren.”
Mum has six grandchildren total and one step. She would have seven total if Alex were alive.
This lasted for about an hour and then Dad explained to me why Mum was so upset.
When Alex got taken from me when he was two, Mum had custody of him and she bonded with him and was really close to him. She raised him like he was her own. She had him for four years so Alex knew her like she was his own mother and he saw her as his mother and then she broke the news to him she was actually his grandmother and his real Mum lives in London and she was taking him to me and I just couldn’t have him for a while because I wasn’t ready to be a mother and I hadn’t been taking care of him but this time he would have a father around now who will be his step and he will have his grand dad and his uncle and she couldn’t keep him because she wasn’t his mother and I was his real mother and he belonged with me. Surprisingly Alex took the news well and just accepted he had to go to his new home and leave his “mother” behind so they both flew out together for my wedding and she left Alex here when she flew home after we got back from our honeymoon. Mum and Alex were very close and Mum was the only person around who understood him and she helped him be calmer so he wasn’t so destructive and she got him to mellow out and be out in public. She did all the work I was supposed to be doing and she did it without using any ABA or any training like some therapists do to try and knock an autistic child to being normal without doing any autistic behavior. She did it all with a newborn and then with a toddler.
I was shocked and wondered how she did that.
Dad just shrugged when I asked.
“You just do it,” he said. “It’s part of being a Mum.”
“But she had a hard time with us four kids so how did she do it with a baby and him?” I asked.
“There was only two,” said Dad.
“But special needs kids are more work than normal kids so I wondered how she did it?”
“She just did,” Dad said again. “You do your personal best. Natalie, how do you think Alex was more calm and relaxed when you got him back? Your Mum had worked hard with him so she is very upset that he is gone now because she did all that hard work for nothing.”
“But it wasn’t for nothing,” I said. “It made my life easier.”
“Yes Natalie I know,” said Dad. “But she worked really hard with him to make your life easier and she is just sad because it feels like she lost one of her children.”
I had no idea Mum felt that way. I still couldn’t feel it and I still didn’t understand but this is the way it was how she felt. I couldn’t understand if I never been in this situation. I never had to raise a grandchild so I won’t know what it’s like when they pass away when they are supposed to outlive me.
“Your Mum will be grieving so don’t criticize her or tell her she still has her other grandson and don’t tell her how relieved you are. I understand why you feel this way.”
How did Dad know I wasn’t that sad?
“Anita, what do you want to do, do you want to stay here or go home with Natalie?” Dad asked.
Dad then picked Tristian up from the chair and handed him to Mum. “Here, look at your new grandson.”
Mum took him and looked at him.
“This is my first time I am finally taking notice,” she said.
“He is thinking “who is this strange woman?” said Dad. “It’s your grandma. Oh he isn’t sure. Look at his face.”
I looked at his face and noticed nothing. Just him looking away.
“Look at his expression,” said Dad.
“Do newborns have expressions on their faces?” I asked. “I thought they don’t start that until they are around a month old.”
“I forget how tiny these things are,” said Mum. “I haven’t had a baby in a long time.”
Mum just rubbed his finger on his face.
“You look so skinny again,” Dad told me. “I remember when Mum had Brian, it took her a month for her belly to get back to its normal size because he was so big but when she had you, it took her two weeks before she looked normal again.”
“I thought she said it took her two weeks to get back to normal with Brian?” I asked.
“Whatever, it was a long time ago. How long ago was that?” Dad asked. “How old is Brian?”
“Thirty-eight,” I said.
“Thirty-eight years ago it was so I can’t remember.”
“Mum, I am ready to go,” I said.
“It is going to be so hard going with you because Alex is gone but I did come all the way here to be with my new grandson and to help you but this is going to be hard,” said Mum.
“You can still stay here if you want if it will be too much for you?” Dad asked her.
I was anxious to go home. I walked around the living room.
“Anita, Alex is still on life support so you can still go visit him before they let him go,” said Dad.
“I kept him on it just for her and for everyone else who wants to go see him to say goodbye,” I said.
“No I don’t think I would want to see him in that condition,” said Mum. “It was even hard seeing Natalie in the hospital when we were in the car wreck so I couldn’t even visit her there so I had them call me to say if she is still alive or not and if she woke up or is improving and I even had to call them because I didn’t know if they had forgotten or not. Ten days of torture.”
“Mum never saw me in the hospital?” I asked.
“Not until you woke up,” said Dad. “But I saw you.”
I pictured myself in the hospital room alone. No Mum and she never came with my brothers and sister to see me and I only pictured Dad coming and seeing me and then leaving again.
“But you still went to work?” I asked.
“Of course, I was the only breadwinner. I only saw you when I could while Mum stayed home and took care of the kids and cooked dinner.”
“Did the hospital find it odd that Mum never came to see me?”
“Not at all.”
“Why?”
“Because she would call. It’s hard sometimes to see your child in critical condition.”
“I was in critical condition?” I asked.
“You almost died. They think you not wearing a seatbelt might have saved your life because you were thrown across the seat and you hit your head pretty hard while your side of the van got crushed and pushed everything in and Matthew and Kelly only had slight injuries. Our whole back of the van was totaled and all pushed in and your Mum was thrown forward too but the seatbelt held her back so she only had slight injuries too but you were on the floor and the seat got shoved into you. The force of getting hit is what threw you out of your spot while the car crashed into that part and if the seatbelt had held you there you would have been killed.”
“Wow, good thing I refused to wear that thing, I hated wearing them back then,” I said.
The reason why I didn’t like wearing them because I didn’t like how they felt on me so I always took them off and would do it quietly and I would sit in the far back of the mini van so Mum wouldn’t notice but Brian would tell me to put it back on and then Mum would yell at me to put it on. I always hated riding in the car because of it because Mum enforced the rule and Brian would hold the seatbelt thing so I couldn’t take it off and he would be sitting next to me. But lot of times I got away with it because no one was paying attention.
“But just because you were lucky doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wear one. You were just a rare case,” said Dad. “Many people who have died in car crashes, most of them died because they were not wearing a seatbelt. It’s statistics.”
“Did I get in trouble for not wearing one?”
“No but Mum got a ticket because you didn’t have one on but then the judge said we didn’t have to pay it because it was found you would have died with it on but she said it was still illegal and very rare this happened.”
“Why was it rare?” I asked.
“Because many people die not wearing a seatbelt and you didn’t have one on and that saved your life. We weren’t even sure if you were in a coma or just unconscious.”
“Did they think I was brain dead?”
“No, they just didn’t know if you were in a coma or not or just knocked out.”
“I thought I was in a coma you said?” I asked.
“I never said that. They didn’t know if you were or not.”
“They decided at the end she was Glen,” said Mum.
“Okay then, I don’t remember, that was twenty years ago,” said Dad.
I knew he was rounding so I didn’t bother correcting him. But I still thought “twenty three.”
“Too bad Alex isn’t in a coma,” I said.
“You wouldn’t want that either but I see what you’re saying,” said Dad.
“Seatbelts aren’t really made to protect children,” said Mum. “They have car seats now for bigger kids but they didn’t have any when she was little.”
Mum kept holding Tristian and then he started to cry. “He might be hungry now or he needs changed,” she said.
She lifted him up and Dad took him from her and handed him to me. I sat down and nursed again.
“Glen, why didn’t you tell me about Alex?” Mum asked.
“I thought you already knew,” said Dad.
“No one told me until I got here.”
“I’m sorry you had to find out now. I wanted to tell you but I figured Natalie did because he’s her son so I felt it was her job to do it but I guess she thought I was going to tell you.”
Dad then turned and looked at me and gave me some look with his mouth and blinked his right eye.
“Why would she expect you to tell me?” Mum asked.
“Uh I don’t know, good question, Natalie why did you think I was going to tell your mother?”
“Because you wanted me to,” I said.
“No I didn’t,” Dad argued.
“Yes you did, on the phone before she got here and you told me I had to tell her or she might be very upset when she gets here and you know nothing about it.”
“Hold it, stop,” said Mum holding her hands out and doing a stop sign with them. “You knew?” Mum asked him.
“Sorry Anita, I didn’t want to upset our daughter so I promised her I wouldn’t tell you and it was her job,” said Dad.
“You were in this too and you kept the news from me,” Mum shouted.
“Come on Robbie, Aunt Anita is very upset, let’s go upstairs, come on Natalie,” said Dad.
“Don’t leave me by myself,” said Mum.
“Well you’re upset so I am just going to wait for you to calm down,” said Dad.
“You kept this from me and now you’re leaving me just because I am upset?” Mum asked.
“Yes Anita, I can’t handle this,” said Dad. “I have been through is before for so many years I Just can’t do it anymore.”
He kept going upstairs.
“Natalie, I need to talk to you, come,” said Dad.
I got up with Tristian and went upstairs.
Dad took me into his bedroom and told Robbie to go to his room.
“Natalie, I was trying to keep her from knowing and you blew it,” he said.
“How?”
“That face I gave you, that was me telling you I was lying so Mum wouldn’t get upset and you weren’t paying attention.”
“I didn’t know what it meant,” I said.
“Now you do.”
We heard the door close downstairs.
“I think Mum left,” I said.
“That’s okay, at least walking will calm her down.”
“You’re not worried about her?” I asked.
“Natalie, she is a grown woman, she isn’t my responsibility. She flew here by herself, I think she can handle the city.”
“You’re not afraid she will get into trouble?”
“How is she going to get in trouble?”
“Maybe she will get lost or have a meltdown, you say she has gotten involved with the police.”
“That was a long time ago. She’s older.”
I was amazed how little Dad was worried. Back then dad would have just ran outside after her and there would have been a fight in the street and Dad carrying Mum back inside
I left his room and went back downstairs and sat down. Dad and Robbie came back down too.

Soon Mum came back like twenty minutes later. She started to pack her suitcase.
“What are you doing?” Dad asked.
“What does it look like?” she asked without even looking at him.
“Anita, where are you going to stay, all the hotels are expensive here.”
“I am sure they have a cheap hotel.”
“The only places that are cheap are bed and breakfast.”
“I’ll stay there then.”
“Oh kay,” said Dad.
None of us did anything.
Mum finished packing and picked up her suitcase and was heading towards the door when she stopped and turned around. “Don’t any of you even care I am leaving?”
“I’m not playing this game,” said Dad. “If you want to leave, go. I will still have a couch available for you and I am sure Natalie will still offer you a spot. She wanted you here. We already told you why we didn’t tell you so it’s up to you to accept our answer or not. We’re not married so I don’t have to deal with this anymore.”
“Doesn’t she care too?” Mom asked.
“She’s not playing it either,” said Dad. “Right Natalie?”
“Uh yeah,” I said.
“See?” Dad asked.
“You wanted her to say it,” said Mum.
“I am going home now so if you want to come with me now or not is up to you,” I told her.
I got ready to leave.
I picked Tristian up again and headed outside. I wasn’t going to stay here any longer and if Mum wanted to stay here or go to a hotel was up to her. I wasn’t going to have anxiety over it.
I put Tristian in his carrier and put the nappy bag in. I was getting in the car when Mum came out telling me to wait for her.
“Oh you’re coming,” I said.
“I came to see my new grandson,” said Mum. “I wouldn’t be able to see him at the hotel.”
I popped the boot and Mum put her suitcase in and closed it and got in on the passenger side.
“Good you remembered what side to get in on,” I said.
“Of course, your steering wheel is on that side.”
“I thought maybe you would forget because you would be used to driving on the other side of the road and having the steering wheel on the other side,” I said.
“Nope,” said Mum.
I got the car started and Mum commented I was on the sidewalk.
“Yes so I wouldn’t be out on the street making it hard for cars to get through,” I said.
I put in the directions on the GPS for home and then Mum said. “I am not very happy with you and Dad. What you both did was wrong withholding the information from me about Alex.”
“I told you I didn’t want you to be upset on the plane and at the airport and ruin your time coming here,” I said.
“I was upset because you guys didn’t tell me sooner,” said Mum. “Not because he was dead.”
“Oh, sorry then,” I said. “I was just trying to be sensitive but I see I did a bad job and I suck thinking about feelings, you just showed me how bad I am at it.”
I thought maybe I shouldn’t even bother trying if this was going to get people this upset.
“Since it gets people this upset, I shouldn’t even bother,” I said.
“No, don’t quit just because I got upset,” said Mum.
“But I suck at it,” I said.
“No Natalie, I just have a problem with being lied to. I don’t think most people would have cared and would have understood and get over it. I’m not other people.”
“But weren’t you trying to be normal before, did you decide to just go back to yourself?” I asked. “I haven’t noticed any social disasters from you.”
“Yes but I can’t make myself neurotypical. I just wanted the challenge.”
“While visiting me, I just want you to be Mum, not this new person you have been,” I said. “Last time it was overwhelming for me and you suck at it even my mother in law could still tell. You can’t pass. No offense.”
“Rosie didn’t like me trying to be normal either,” said Mum. “She kept begging me to just be Anita.”
“I want you to be Anita too.”
“I wonder why everyone doesn’t want me to be normal,” said Mum.
“Because you’re a social disaster. Even Pam said even when you were trying to be normal, she could still tell because your social skills were still bad. It’s like when you tried to give Kelly appropriate gifts for her birthday it was still a disaster remember?” I asked.
“Oh don’t even remind me, I found her behavior appalling towards me and your father scolded her about it and told her she was the one who wasn’t having very good social skills.”
“Don’t worry, I also get that from you because I am also a gift disaster Steven had to tell me he will do the Christmas shopping from now on because all the gifts I were buying were the ones I only liked even though I wasn’t buying video games for everyone or gift cards they wouldn’t be able to use.”
“I have always liked your gifts, who is telling you yours suck?”
“No one but I have always had troubles knowing what to buy everyone and it’s too stressful so he took over,” I said.
“I can’t win here because when I try to be normal, no one likes it but when I wasn’t being normal, no one liked it.”
“Well Mum if people have a problem with you, be normal and see how they like that and if they complain, tell them ‘Which Anita would you rather have, the normal me or the old me?’ and see what they say.”
Mum liked my idea. Then she told me she wanted a break from talking because she is feeling exhausted now from it. I said okay. I still talked but I didn’t ask any questions but Mum reminded me that she wasn’t talking.
“I know,” I said. “I am not asking you anything.”
“Okay just don’t expect me to respond okay.”
I drove the rest of the way home and Mum turned around and looked at Tristian and was touching him in the backseat.


We arrived home and I carried Tristian inside and set him down in the living room. He was sleeping again and my boobs were full again so I had to pump. Christina was home and so were her kids. Christina said hi to Mum. I brought Tristian upstairs to my room and set up my breast pump and attached them to my boobs and turned it on. I used my nursing bra to hold them in place and I did my computer while they pumped. They got full pretty quick and I turned them off. I put the top on them and put them in the fridge. Thank goodness I saved my baby bottles. I had a bunch of them from my adult baby side.
I got back to my computer and looked on Wrongplanet and then checked my emails and then I decided to check out Facebook. I thought about putting Alex’s death announcement on Facebook but I didn’t. I didn’t feel ready. Then I thought about just saying he is in the hospital on life support. I started to write.

Alex is in the hospital on life support, so sad. Doctors have determined he is brain dead.

I hit enter. Now everyone would know my son was in the hospital brain dead and Kelly’s kids would know their cousin is dead and she would know too about her nephew and Brian would also know and Matthew and Grandma Del would know her great grandson being dead. All my relatives would know and my cousins.
I read on my wall and then I checked out my messages because it said I had a new one. I looked and I saw it was from someone I didn’t recognize and it was from a few days ago.

Hello Natalia, we have never met but I am a long lost relative of yours. Your Mom Anita Laney is my half aunt whom I have never met. Her father is my grandfather and he got remarried and had kids and had my mother. My grandfather’s ex wife is Delores Laney formally Jansen and they had six kids together, Elizabeth, Theodore, Robert, Bridgette, Anita, and John. I am looking for my other lost relatives and I found yours so I was wondering if you would like to get in contact. I hope I hear from you. If not, I won’t bother you again.

Wow my other cousin. I looked on her profile. Her name was Lisa May Delaney. I looked what she had public and I saw some of her profile photos and links she had posted on her wall and I decided to add her as a friend. I also sent her a message back.
Hey thanks for contacting me. Wow my lost cousin. I have always wondered about the other side of my family. I only knew my Grandma’s Del side and my mom’s and Dad’s but never the other side from my real grandfather, mom’s real father. I never met his other children or his new wife and cousins from there. How did you find me and know about me?
I sent it and kept looking on her page and then I looked on my wall again.
Tristian woke up again so I fed him again. Then Mum came in my room.
“Mum, I got a message from my cousin I never even met,” I said.
“Really?” she asked.
“Yes, her name is Lisa May Delaney. Her grandfather is your real father so this is basically your niece and her mother is your half-sister.”
“How did she know about you?”
“Maybe your real dad still talked about you and your siblings and your mother,” I said.
I showed her the Facebook Message Lisa had sent me. Mum read it.
“Wow,” she said. “I got the same post from her but I didn’t answer.”
“She sent you one too?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you answer?”
“I don’t know her. She is like a stranger. I never knew my other side of the family from my sperm donor.”
“But don’t you want to get to know that side of your family?” I asked.
“I am not interested. If you want to get to know them, go ahead.”
“Did she say this exact same thing to you?” I asked. “What did she exactly say?”
“She said pretty much the same thing you showed me.”
I realized this was a copy and paste message Lisa had sent me. I bet she was sending it to everyone who was related to her.
I felt Mum was being unfair to Lisa because it wasn’t her fault what her grandfather did and it wasn’t her mother’s fault either so they shouldn’t be punished for his actions.
“It’s like you are punishing her for something your real dad did because you aren’t interested in getting to know her,” I said.
“Natalie, I just don’t know her. She is a stranger. I never knew her parents or her grandma so these people are like strangers to me. My sperm donor walked out on my mother when I was a girl and he got remarried and moved out of state hundreds of miles away and never saw us. He had children and he practically started over and he abandoned his other family. I don’t know these people so I don’t even know how many siblings I have total or how many nieces and nephews I have or any great niece and nephews. He showed up at our house once and at one of our family reunions and he didn’t even have his family with and he expected me to just be his daughter like nothing happened? Then he was upset when I wouldn’t even call him Dad.”
“Why did he show up?” I asked.
“I don’t know. It was all of a sudden and he was acting like my real father because he was telling me how proud he was of me and how I came a long way and had my own family and it was very weird so it made me uncomfortable in my own home and then I remember he made a dumbass comment about your medical condition because he saw you had a diaper on so that was when I kicked him out and said we were done visiting because he not only did he come here uninvited, he insulted my children.”
“How did he insult Brian Kelly and Matthew?” I asked.
“He only insulted you and I wanted to hit him but I kicked him out instead and your father was home so he told him “hey my wife wants you to leave so get out now or I will call the police” and he left and we never saw him again until the family reunion.”
Tristian fell asleep again on my chest.
“Is he still nursing?” Mum asked.
“A little bit,” I said.
Mum looked at him and said he was sleeping and said she will take him because he is just pacifying on my boob. Mum took him off me and carried him to my bed and put him in his bassinet.
“Since Alex is no longer with us, you can sleep in his room now,” I said.
“Are you serious? He just passed away and you are already giving away his room?” Mum asked.
“It’s an extra bed so I will mind as well use it,” I said. “Unless you want to sleep on the couch again.”
“I don’t think I am ready to see his room so I would rather sleep on the couch,” said Mum. “I notice you have his door closed.”
“I don’t want to be reminded he is gone,” I said.

Steven soon arrived home and he said hi to Mum and everyone had dinner that was made. Mum sat at the table with us. I saw a photo of Alex in a photo frame. I would have to get rid of all the pictures of Alex and pack them away so I wouldn’t be reminded of him. It would feel weird to still have photos of him if he wasn’t alive. I would put all his stuff in his room and close the door and never open it until I decide what to do with his stuff.

After I got finished eating, I put my plate in the sink and I started to take down the pictures of Alex.
“Natalie, what are you doing?” Christina asked.
“Taking down pictures of Alex and putting them away because he’s dead now,” I said.
“No no no, leave them out,” said Steven. “He is still in our memories so if you leave them out, we will always see him and he will still be in our lives.”
“Just let her take them down,” said Mum. “She might find it too painful to look at them and she will take them back out when she’s ready, right Natalie?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
“You can take them down for now,” said Steven.
Steven and Christina let me take down all the photos of Alex and I put them upstairs in his room. I even got his photo album and put it in there too and I closed the door. I went in the closet downstairs and got all his shoes and coat and hat and brought them up to his room and closed the door again. I went in the bathroom and grabbed his toothbrush and put it in his room. I grabbed his special dishes he liked and only ate with and put them in his room. I remembered there were still locks on the windows and doors so I knew I could leave them unlatched now because no one would leave this house and wander.
“Can someone tell me how Alex got outside and wandered off?” Mum asked.
“Well it was bed time and Steven had put him to bed and I went to bed and so did the kids,” said Christina. “Everything was locked and then Haley kept getting out of bed and then she went back to bed and then Alexis got out of bed and went back to bed and I remember I checked everything again to be sure all the doors were locked.”
“Then we got up the next day and I went in Alex’s room to wake him up,” said Steven. “And his bed was empty.”
“We looked all over the house for him,” said Christina. “Then I noticed the dining room door was open so we looked outside and called for him. I even called off work and said my cousin’s kid was missing and some of our neighbors helped us look for him and I even called the police by noon and told them what was going on and they said they would keep an eye out for him. They came over and we showed them a photo of him and they said Okay and would look for him. Then that was the end of it but Steven spent his whole day driving around the area looking for him. I thought he should tell Natalie but he didn’t want to because he didn’t want her to worry and get upset. I was like ‘okay.’”
“I can’t believe this happened,” said Mum. “When Natalie was little, she also got outside and fell in the creek and she was rescued before she even drowned. I never kept any extra locks but we had to make sure all the windows stayed closed and we even got these slide chains and put them up high on the doors and she still found a way to get outside because she always climbed and waited when we weren’t paying attention. Another time she was on the roof and one of my neighbors spotted her up there and knocked on my door and was shouting she was up there so I ran up the stairs and into her room and climbed out the window and got her. Another time they were at a mall and I wasn’t there but her dad was and my mom and Brian and Celeste and Natalie was in her stroller and then she climbed out and took off when no one was looking and they had to call security and have all the stores keep a watch out for her and they were looking for her and so were they. No one could find her and it turns out she was hiding in the clothes rack in another store because some lady found her while she was shopping and alerted the store.”
“I guess I see where Alex gets his wandering gene from,” said Steven.
“I couldn’t even take her out alone because she always took off,” said Mum.
“Did you use one of those leash things?” Christina asked.
“She didn’t like those.”
I went upstairs and did the computer again and fed Tristian. I heard everyone doing the dishes downstairs.

That night Mum slept on the couch downstairs after everyone had gone to bed and she had brought in her suitcase and left it in the living room with her and she had packed a bunch of thick nappies in there on one side and on the other side were her clothes. I allowed her to use my bathroom to throw her nappies away in.