Post by Bad Beth on Feb 20, 2015 16:48:49 GMT
It's Natalie's birthday again this weekend so I wrote another story about it and this time waited until this day to post it.
English words:
Skip=dumpster
Motorway=freeway
Dustbin=trashcan
Service area=rest area
Nappy=diaper
Pants=underwear, under clothing you wear over your bottom
Trousers=pants
Boot=car trunk
Cot=crib
My thirtieth birthday was coming up. I was not really looking forward to it because I was getting old. I was about to leave my twenties. Last year my daddy took me out for the day in London and he took me to Build A Bear Workshop and to Hamleys and took me to see Frozen and he got me a couple video games from Hamleys but this year my real Dad wanted to take me on a weekend trip and we will be back Sunday night. He wanted me to bring my son too but I was a little nervous about it. It’s also because I don’t even know what we are going to do on our two day trip.
Valentine’s Day had just past and on Friday my son’s school did an American thing, they had all the kids hand out cards to each other. They don’t sell those Valentine cards here for kids to pass out in school so I know the schools here don’t do that in school like they do back in the states. The kids had made cards in school to hand to everyone in class and some even had candy and I had bought a bag for my son and had him bring to school to hand out.
Steven, my husband and daddy, took me out on Valentine’s and he took me to a nice restaurant. I also got a nameless gift from someone and it was a box of chocolates. Steven got me a new video game as a Valentine’s gift, no card because he knows I don’t care for those things. He told me he has gotten me stuff like flowers or a card and I showed no appreciation. When he got me flowers once another day a few years back, my response was “put them in a vase with water.” No excitement, no “thank you,” nothing. When he got me a card I opened it and read and put it down and showed no appreciation and no “thank you.” But he discovered if he gets me a candy bar or a sweet, my eyes light up and I get real happy and say “thank you” and act all excited about it like a child so that stuff he gets me. I don’t mean to be a jerk or be rude, I don’t seem to be aware of it because I don’t even remember doing these things. It happens and I do them and then I forget about it. Steven tells me it’s alright and he just accepts me and understands and he is used to it. He just has to get me the right gifts. Most women love getting flowers but he discovered he can’t do that with me so he has to get me something else I love and that is candy or sweets so he gets me that instead. My dad used to complain about never being able to get my mum flowers because she doesn’t like them and she can’t even show she appreciates what he got her even if she tries. But he never bothered to get her anything she does like, he could have gotten her something for her to draw with or paint but my mum told me years later that she prefers to not get anything and that is the best gift she can get and she doesn’t understand why people need to be given stuff by their spouses and partners to show that they love them. Are people really that insecure they need to be given flowers or presents or be taken out to be shown their partner still loves them?
But I sort of get it. People do it because it makes them happy, people like getting gifts from them and their partner wants them to be happy and excited. If someone doesn’t want any, don’t give them any. Get what their partner likes, it doesn’t have to be flowers and cards. But lot of people fail to grasp this and keep on doing it and then get upset if their aspie partner doesn’t show appreciation or can’t fake it well enough to show appreciation and some still get upset if their aspie partner asks them what do they want for their birthdays/Christmas/Valentine’s day. All those normies remind me of my sister Kelly. She treated our mum a similar way and no matter what she did was never good enough for my sister. But not all normies are that way. There are ones out there that understand.
One thing I don’t like about Valentine’s Day is suicide rates being higher because more people kill themselves around this holiday because they don’t have a sweetheart. I never felt that way when I was single. I did get a card from my Aunt Elizabeth and her husband Uncle Tom though and one from my mum and her wife Rosie. I also got a box of Sweethearts from them. Here they have their own version of that candy, they call theirs Love hearts and they don’t come in boxes, they come in wrappers and they are circles with a heart in the middle with a message in the center. Steven always gets me those because he loves me and he knows how much I love candy. Also on the internet is when I see posts on Wrongplanet by members whining about that day because they don’t have a girlfriend and I also see that on facebook too. I like to call it Valenwhine’s Day. But I can look on the bright side, more suicide rates, less population in the world but the bad news is babies are born all the time so the population goes back up pretty fast.
I was in my room packing for the next day. I always pack one day ahead of time so I am not rushing the next day what to bring and I am less likely to forget anything. I will have all day and night to figure out what I am forgetting and put it in the pile. I also had my son’s bag to pack too and his stuff. He has known for two weeks that he is going on a trip so he will be more mentally prepared and our trip should be easier. But the only thing he hasn’t been mentally prepared about is what we are going to be doing on the trip and where we are going. Dad just wants to be spontaneous and it always makes me anxious. I think I would be less anxious if Alex didn’t have autism, then I wouldn’t have to worry about how he is going to act on the trip because he didn’t know what to expect. It’s weird how some people can just jump in their cars and drive and then do things that they see on the road. Steven said it’s because some people just like the adventure and the thrill of not knowing what they are going to be doing. It’s like how some people love to go on roller coasters and feel their brains are about to leave their heads (not literally) or that extreme feeling they feel in their tummies and how the force feels on their body. I can’t stand it but some people love that feeling so they ride on them. That is how I look at it to understand how people can just be so spontaneous without planning anything. Then they have kids and do have to start planning their days and routines because that is the way it is in parenting. To me it wasn’t any different so it was barely a change. If I have to be spontaneous, I just let the other person decide what we are going to do and I will just go along with it. I find it easier than having to think and decide and it takes the stress off me.
I was going to take some trousers, shirts, my shampoo and razor, toothbrush, hair brush, stuffed animal, Kindle, Nintendo 3DS, computer, nappies, wipes, baby powder, socks, shoes, coat, pajamas. For my son I was going to bring his trousers, shirts, coat, socks, shoes, pull ups, toothbrush, comb, his toys, my old Nintendo DSi Steven got me a few years back as a gift and it was an XL. I had given it to Alex to use. I still have my DSiware games I downloaded on there. I never bothered transferring them to my 3DS because I wanted Alex to have some games he could play.
We would leave tonight but because I have to work, we are leaving first thing in the morning. I work an evening job as a janitor doing some cleaning and I got that job through a company that employs people with disabilities. I got sick of not working and not being able to find work and all these roadblocks they do so I did an easy way out. My last job was working in a coffee shop and then I got laid off due to downsizing and everyone else had higher priority than me. I only worked there for two months and I was on probation. They hired and then they had to downsize so I guess shit happened. Then I was unemployed for eight months.
I got finished packing and I did some laundry again. I had to take out the linen and hang it near the radiator in our room on the dry rack. I don’t let the clothes get all piled up or it will take way too long to get it all done. It takes hours to wash a load and dry them and it takes a day for clothes to dry depending on how wet they are and how warm it is. We have different dry racks so I use different radiators to dry our clothes. I use my son’s room, the living room, my cousin’s room, dining room, the hallway. I went overboard and bought a bunch of dry racks so I could have more room to dry clothes than having them all piled up on the same rack taking it longer for them to dry and I forget to turn them over and take the ones off that are dry. I had wasted some of Steven’s money but he was cool about it. I did it because we had invited my cousin Christina to come live with us and she brought her kids along. She and her husband got separated so we invited her here so we are pretty crowded and the homes here are small, never let the number of bedrooms deceive you or how many rooms it has including bathrooms. So more people means more laundry and more clothes to hang dry but you actually do a small load and not let it get all piled up but I think it is a good thing I bought more dry racks because it can take more than a day to dry your clothes so we have more room to hang them at so they are not all over the place like on chairs and furniture and the banisters.
It was about time to get my son from school and Christina’s kid, Alexis. I had to get changed first and then change into some clean clothes than the ones I wear at home every day to reduce laundry. I would hate to make myself look incompetent that I get social services on my door step and having a medical diagnoses doesn’t help. I changed my nappy and clothes and made sure my hair looked good and I grabbed my Nintendo 3DS, I might streetpass someone on the road, my nappy bag, my coat and car keys and headed out locking the door.
I picked up Alexis first and then Alex from his school. I had to go in the building to get him. I saw Mrs. Carutis in class. She is a new teacher here and we didn’t get off on a very good start. She doesn’t work with my son anymore and that is good enough for me even if the school refused to get rid of her. That is something for the other parents to deal with when she has their child to work with. I think she got afraid of me when I grabbed her face to show her how it feels because she wouldn’t quit doing it to my son who was making him lash out and she complained about him biting her. I ever wonder if she posts on the internet and if she does, I would wonder if she ever posts about her job on there and about the kids and what her user name would be. If she was saying bad stuff, I would print it all off or just email the link to the school to show them so she will get fired but I have no way of finding out.
I wondered why she was in my son’s class. “What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I work here,” she said.
I knew she was being snarky.
“I meant what are you doing in this room, you don’t work in here so why are you here,” I said dumbing it down.
“Ummmm visiting, I am allowed to visit my coworkers correct?” she said.
“Correct,” I said back. “I hope you haven’t been torturing more students in this class.”
“You two need to quit this, I know you both don’t like each other but we are adults here and must set a good example for these children so let’s along shall we?” said Mrs. Bruen.
“I don’t get along with autistic parents,” said Mrs. Carutis.
I just wanted to kick her but I didn’t. I didn’t want to get in any trouble and what if she called the police and had me charged for assault? I wasn’t a kid anymore so it’s not like I would get yelled at about it and then get punished at home. Rules change.
“That’s was very unprofessional,” said Mrs. Bruen. “You work with special kids and you insult their condition in front of them? They can actually understand a word you’re saying even if they can’t speak the language.”
“Do you assume every parent is autistic when you don’t get along with them?” I asked Mrs. Carutis.
“Natalie, I said stop, be an adult here,” said Mrs. Bruen.
“I just wanted to see if she labels everyone that whenever she doesn’t get along with someone,” I said.
“I guess I will leave,” said Mrs. Carutis.
“Thank you,” I said.
She left the classroom.
We don’t even fight much because I don’t see much of her.
Alex was in the corner playing with a puzzle and Alexis and Haley were playing with some toys.
Mrs. Bruen looked at me. “I don’t know why she is still here either. She can’t handle these kids well and doesn’t know how to work with them and won’t listen to a word parents say or us.”
“Maybe soon she will do something stupid and the school will finally fire her,” I said.
“Alex has been doing very well,” she said. “He has been making a lot of progress since he’s been here.”
I knew she meant ever since he started attending here.
“We have been teaching him some life skills and turn taking and working on his language,” Mrs. Bruen went on. “He is getting better with toileting and washing his hands.”
I just nodded. I saw other parents here too getting their kids and talking to teachers. It was just a small school with small number of students.
“Pretty soon he might be able to attend regular school with regular pupils,” said Mrs. Bruen.
“I don’t want him to get bullied,” I said.
“He would have a teacher’s assistant with him if he were to go to one.”
“Like an aide,” I said.
“Right.”
“Was Alex afraid when Mrs. Carutis was in here?” I asked.
“Not at all, he was busy playing in the corner waiting for you.”
I felt relieved.
I got Alex when the teacher was done talking and we left the school and I felt something in the back and I pooped in my nappy when I was out in the car lot. It didn’t feel like a big one. Then I felt a little more come out. I was shitting my pants while I walked with the kids. Alexis got in the car and Alex got in the back seat with her and I put the seatbelt on him but not the shoulder belt. I also strapped Haley in her car seat that was in the center of the backseats. I got in the car and I felt the mess spread. I was too preoccupied to even enjoy it and I could barely feel anything. The first thing Alexis said was, “Natalie, did you go poopy in your nappy?”
“Yes,” I said.
“It stinks, you need to change.”
I had spare nappies in the car but I didn’t want to do it in a public toilet.
“I will take care of it when I get home I don’t like changing in public,” I said.
I started the car and started backing out.
Alexis held her nose closed.
I just rolled down the windows.
“I will take care of it when I get home I don’t like changing in public,” said Alex. “Don’t stick your head out the window or the window goes up.”
When we got home, I got started on snacks. Today it was going to be apple slices with honey peanut butter. Alex likes the same food every day and apples are healthy so I give him that. I picked up an apple and I started to cut it.
“I will take care of it when I get home I don’t like changing in public,” Alex said again in the kitchen.
I remembered I was still in my poopy nappy.
I cut the core out first and then cut it into slices. Alex was in the kitchen with me waiting repeating that same line over and over. Then he suddenly slapped himself in the head. Then he got off the floor and left. I also got the peanut butter and the honey and mixed it and put it on the plate with the slices. I set it on the table. “Haley, Alexis, do you want a snack?” I asked.
I always ask them if they want to eat first so I won’t be wasting food.
“No,” said Alexis.
But Haley wanted food I gave her snack choices.
Alex came back downstairs and he had one of my nappies in his hand and wipes.
“He wants you to change too, you stink,” said Alexis.
“Stinky,” said Haley.
She picked toast so I cooked her some and put jam on it and gave it to her.
I then remembered again I was still in my poopy nappy. Alex was still trying to shove the nappy at me so I took it from him and the wipes and went upstairs with it and changed.
Christina came home before I had to go to work and I was getting ready to leave. I checked my Nintendo 3DS and I saw I had a green light. I looked at the notifications and saw what time I got a streepass and I saw the time and realized I had tagged someone on the road. I just closed it again and finished getting ready. I was still in the same nappy. My husband is a workaholic so I wasn’t expecting him to be home and he was going to be working all weekend so Haley and Alexis would be with their father. But when Steven is home, he plays with me. I am his little girl and he is my daddy and he always changes me and takes good care of me and sometimes he takes me out. When he is at work or on a trip, he will call me to check up on me. I don’t have a nanny or babysitter so I look after myself and my child. That is something we are flexible about, I am an adult so he doesn’t need to hire an adult baby sitter or adult nanny and they’re expensive and I don’t think any normal nanny or babysitter will want to look after a grown woman who is capable of taking care of herself and even want to play and daddy would not want to pay someone to play. I like my freedom anyway.
What I like about my work is I work alone and there is no one around so I don’t have to worry when I mess my nappies so I have worked in a shitty nappy and then there are the co-workers I have to face but none of them have ever said a word so I assume they have never smelled it or noticed. They have not said anything about the smell either. Then at night the tubes are pretty empty so I don’t have to worry about being messy. People can always move if they are bothered by the smell. I just don’t care anymore nor feel embarrassed. That is why Daddy always changes me and why he is in charge of my nappies but I am still allowed to change myself but I am not allowed to protest or say no when he decides I need a nappy change.
I left for work and the work was good and I made it through the evening without messing myself. I didn’t bring anything to eat because food didn’t cross my mind. I had not eaten all day and I had forgotten about it because my mind was too preoccupied. I was starving so I was looking forward to my meal at home. Daddy always makes my food or makes me a plate whenever he cooks or Christina. He always makes sure I eat. I think it’s good I forget to eat or else I will gain weight and this keeps me thin. There is nothing at work where I can buy my food and eat because everything is closed so everyone brings their food.
The ride home was fine, there were not many people on the tube like there are in the day. I just rested on the way home leaning my head against the window. It was loud and when I got to my station, I got off and headed up to the ground. I had to walk ten blocks home and this was great exercise.
I walked in the door of my house and took off my shoes and hung up my coat and set my nappy bag down in the living room. I went in the kitchen and opened the fridge and my dinner wasn’t there. Daddy had not made a thing and something built up inside of me. I was hungry, Daddy always leaves food in the fridge for me and he didn’t this night.
“Fucking god,” I said angrily. I slammed the fridge door closed.
I felt like throwing everything and screaming and slamming everything but I didn’t want to wake anyone up or upset anyone and set a bad example for the kids and I didn’t want to trash the house and break anything. I don’t like it when things get broken and when places and homes get ruined.
“I am fucking starving,” I said.
I looked to see what else there was to eat but I didn’t know what to eat so I slammed the fridge closed again and slammed the kitchen door shut when I walked out.
“I guess I will just go hungry,” I said.
I noticed I no longer felt hungry. I had lost my appetite.
I grabbed my nappy bag again and sat down and turned on the TV. This is what I always do when I come home from work. Eat my dinner, watch a little bit of TV, look in the internet browser on my WiiU pad or playing my Nintendo 3DS.
Luckily no one came downstairs after my little outburst.
My tummy rumbled off and on and I didn’t care. I was okay without food. If I didn’t have dinner in the fridge, I didn’t feel like eating anymore. I think watching TV and doing the internet calmed me down.
The next day Daddy woke up and started changing my nappy like he always does every morning. It was my last day of being in my twenties.
“Are you excited for your trip?” Daddy asked.
“Yes,” I said.
He started to clean me up. When he was done he put a new nappy under me.
My tummy growled again.
“You’re hungry,” he said.
“I’m starving,” I said. “You didn’t make me any dinner,” I said.
“You’re an adult. You can make your food and feed yourself, you shouldn’t depend on me. The reason why I make your food is because I love you, not obligated.”
“But I’m your little girl and you’re the daddy,” I said.
“And you’re an adult. If I don’t feel like cooking or making anything, I shouldn’t have to.”
“You’re a bad daddy,” I said.
“Natalia, I am not always going to be a daddy okay?” said Daddy. “There will come times when I will just expect you to be an adult.”
Daddy finished taping the nappy on me. It was a nice thick one that was plain white with a plastic landing. It looked like an oversized baby nappy.
“But I couldn’t decide what to have so I ended up not having anything,” I said.
“And that was your choice,” said Daddy.
“But you told me you do this so you make sure I eat, not starve myself.”
“You’re not going to die from hunger from one night. I am sorry if not having your dinner in the fridge upset you. This is why I shouldn’t do this too often or else you will be expecting it all the time and get upset when I don’t do it but I love you and I worry about you and I notice if I don’t make sure you eat, you will just go hungry and that worries me because I don’t want you to get sick.”
Then he pulled me in his arms and said “I was a bad daddy for not taking care of my baby girl. I’m very sorry.”
I felt loved again. Then he said “Okay, now I am back to husband mode. I like having a wife too and I don’t want to be taking care of you twenty four seven whenever I am home. I do want a wife too you know, not only when I am gone.”
I sometimes worry he will get sick of me and file for a divorce and leave me.
I clung to him tighter. I wouldn’t know what I would do if he left me. What would happen to my son and me? I wouldn’t have a nice life anymore, my son wouldn’t have his school and his help and I wouldn’t have a good income anymore and I would be poor again and struggling financially and relying on my dad again for help and how would I take care of my son with work? All that thinking about if we separated was stressful because of all the planning and what to do and the huge change.
“I love you too sweetie,” said Daddy rubbing me.
I kept holding him and then he said, “Okay you need to get ready.”
I still clung onto him.
Daddy rubbed my head and then he said “Okay, I am going to get you dressed.”
That made me happy. He was still taking care of me so I felt better and my worries lessoned about him leaving me. He picked out my outfit and he put it on me.
“Is my little girl excited for her big girl trip? She is going to be a big girl,” said Daddy.
“I’m scared Daddy,” I said.
“What are you scared of? Tell Daddy.”
“I’m scared you’re going to get tired of me and just abandon me.”
“I won’t abandon you and I will never get tired of you,” said Daddy.
“But sometimes I think you will, especially when you didn’t make my dinner like you always do and I’m scared you will quit being my Daddy for good and then get sick of me.”
Daddy just hugged me instead. “Are you scared of going on this trip and coming home and finding me not here?”
“Yes,” I said.
“I will be here,” he said.
“Last year you took me out and we had daddy and little girl time for my birthday and this year you didn’t want to do it.”
“That is because your dad planned to take you on a trip. We can always do our daddy and little girl time when we get back, how’s that? It will make up for our day.”
I liked that idea.
“Okay.”
“And will that tell you I won’t get tired of being your daddy and you?” Daddy asked.
“I guess,” I said.
I wasn’t really sure. People change their minds all the time and feelings also change. Daddy could mean what he is saying now and then change down the road. It wouldn’t mean he was lying, it would mean his feelings changed and his thoughts. People don’t always know what they want and they think they want something and then realize down the road it’s not something they want so they change their mind. I had lost my other daddy once. He was willing to try this whole baby and daddy thing but then after a month, his thoughts changed after trying it for a month and his feelings changed too so he broke up with me and I didn’t take it well. I insulted him and screamed at him and threw stuff at him. I felt he lied to me and I felt betrayed and how could he stop viewing me as the same girl as I always was and start seeing everything about me as a baby and associating everything I do with baby. He no longer viewed me as his girlfriend and an adult and it was very hurtful and insulting. Then I met Steven and I was scared he was going to do the same even though he always wanted to be a daddy and have a little girl but I was still scared he would get tired of me and seeing everything about me as a little girl and leave. It took me a while to get over that fear and sometimes it comes back when he forgets to do something like making my dinner. I get scared he is getting tired of me and won’t love me anymore.
“I won’t leave you okay. Only way to have me leave you is be a pedophile or abuse me or do child abuse.”
I was about so say “or molest a child” but I didn’t because that falls under child abuse so he has basically already said it. But I added “or do child pornography.”
I felt safe again. So Daddy would never leave me. But deep down I still had my doubts. What if his feelings change?
Dad and my six year old half-brother Robbie soon arrived. I had all my stuff in the hallway and Alex’s stuff. I already had breakfast and Alex was a little rambunctious this morning because of a change in his routine. He knew ahead of time about this trip and I kept reminding him about it so he wouldn’t forget. But I didn’t get him prepared for what we were going to do on the trip because I didn’t know either.
Christina helped me carry stuff out to the car and Dad put it in the boot. I didn’t have much stuff because it was only for today and tomorrow and I had three packs of my nappies in a bag and Alex’s pull ups. Dad had to reorganize the boot to fit everything in there and he put some stuff in the back in the middle. Alex was going to sit in the back and I was going to sit in the front.
Daddy got close to me and said in my ear, “When you do a doo doo in your nappy, make sure you change. I won’t be there to do it so you are on your own. I am sure your dad and your brother wouldn’t want to smell it or Alex so show them some courtesy.”
Daddy then gave me another hug and said “I love you little girl, be good for Grandpa and your uncle Robbie and your brother will be coming with so it’s not just you alone. I will still be here when you get back.”
I couldn’t handle being hugged anymore, he was taking too long to stop and I felt the urge to pull away. I pushed my hands against him to get away and Daddy let go.
“Bye honey, have fun,” he said.
I got in the car and we left.
“This is going to be like real family, you and your two kids” I said.
“And grandson,” said Dad.
We left the area and got on the motorway.
“So what are we doing?” I asked.
“What do you want to do?” Dad asked.
“I don’t know, what did you have in mind for me?” I said.
“I was thinking about driving west towards Wales.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Anything comes to mind, just holler,” said Dad.
This was probably going to be the worst trip. I just took out my mobile phone and plugged in my little ear pieces and went to music and did random and pressed play.
I rested on the way and Dad stayed on the motorway and he got towards Swindon. I was listening to “Time of my Life” from Dirty Dancing. We drove by the town and kept on going. I have never been to Swindon or ever seen the town. I couldn’t even see it from the road except a few buildings. I took out my Nintendo 3DS and played Mario Party Island Tour.
Alex just felt around the car and the windows. Robbie had been talking to Dad and asking “Are we there yet?” Then finally Dad said “How can we be there yet if we don’t know where we are going, you pick the destination and I will go there since your sister isn’t doing it.”
“Lego Land,” he said.
“That is way behind us and I am not driving all the way back for it,” said Dad. “That is all the way close to where we live. Besides I don’t think Natalie would want to go there.”
Actually I did but I was too embarrassed to say. I don’t think they were open this time of year anyway.
“Disneyland,” said Robbie.
“That’s all the way in Paris, we won’t make it back in time,” said Dad.
I was thinking it was all the way in California and then I remembered there was one in France but it was still too far and we wouldn’t be able to get much done there anyway. Lines would be too long and it would be hard with Alex. I wondered if they had special passes for people with disabilities. But I don’t see why my son would want to be there. It’s too crowded.
“The zoo,” said Robbie.
“We can do that back at home,” said Dad.
“I don’t know. I’m bored.”
“Take out a book and color or play a game,” said Dad.
I was still listening to music and not playing my game anymore.
“I have to pee,” said Robbie.
“Okay, we’ll stop, maybe Natalie needs to also.” Then I saw him wink at me.
I am normally not good at interpreting that expression but this time I knew he meant my nappy. It was the only thing I could think of why he could be winking. At least I didn’t have to struggle to figure it out or playing any guessing games which I find so exhausting and annoying so I prefer to just ask what that meant but I am also afraid to ask because they might think I am stupid or figure out I am “autistic” or somewhere on the spectrum because my son is but I don’t mind asking my family or my husband’s because they already know and Daddy’s ex-wife.
I did not need a new nappy. These could hold a lot but I was already wet and I hadn’t pooped yet.
Robbie doesn’t know I wear them and he has never said a word about it and I prefer to keep it that way but I won’t try and hide it. I just want to see how long it will take him to notice and even Dad knows about this too and he said he has never told him because he never found it important for him to know and he never asked. Robbie has seen me in them when he was a baby but I am sure he has long forgotten about it and I am not sure if anyone else in the family has told him or not or if he has ever seen them sticking out of my clothes. But on this trip he is most likely to find out and I will just tell him I have no bladder control and bowel control because that part of my system doesn’t work. I was in a car accident at his age and landed back in them because of a drunk driver. I will only tell him if he asks about it. So that is how I know what Dad’s winking meant.
Dad kept on driving and he stopped at a service area, their version of rest area. But their rest areas are better because they have eating places, shops, a hotel, petrol, they call gas here, and a food store. I wouldn’t find stops like this back in the states. It’s just a toilet facility and a picnic area and an area for people to take their dogs but here things are so different. I saw this place had a Travelodge, Burger King, a coffee place, Marks and Spencer Simply Food, WHSmith, and GREGGs and a BP. Dad parked his car and we all got out. I decided to take Alex to the toilet. More pee spilled in my nappy when I was moving around. It was a single person bathroom and I pulled his pants down and he sat on the toilet and I didn’t look at him go. I checked his pull up and he was still dry. I had extras in his bag and I brought one in with me. After he was done, I pulled them up and washed my hands and he washed his too. Then I pulled my trousers down and checked my nappy in the mirror. It was a little wet in the back. I started having anxiety about if I should change or not. I didn’t want to run out on the trip or waste any but I had only brought three packs. Eight times three equals twenty one. It was only today and tomorrow so that should last me and I like to bring extras along just in case. Alex paid no attention to what I was doing. He was just looking around and looking down at the ground squinting his eyes from the florescent light. I wondered what he was hearing and how he was perceiving everything around him. I imagined he could hear everything out in the store loud and clear and conversations clearly. Then he walked to the light switch and shut off the light. The room was now dark.
“Alex, mummy isn’t finished so please turn the light back on,” I said nicely.
He turned it on without even looking at me. I just looked at myself in the mirror at my nappy again.
Alex kept on turning off the light and I got tired of telling him to turn it back on so I told him to not touch the light switch until we leave the bathroom.
Knowing how many nappies I use a day and night, I knew I would be fine so I changed into a clean nappy taking everything off from the waist down. Then I got dressed again and put my shoes back on and I threw the nappy away and washed my hands. Then I opened the door and told Alex he could turn the light off now but he wouldn’t come out.
“Alex, we are done in here, we need to leave so other people can use it,” I said.
But he stayed and I figured maybe he was bothered by this place so I told him we can sit in the car but he protested. I couldn’t leave him here alone or he could wander off and I had worries that something could happen. I started to get overwhelmed. This is what I was worried about. I could try and force him out of there but then he might start fighting me to me off him and then I tackle him to the ground in self-defense and we put on a scene and someone might report me to authorities for child abuse because of assumptions. No one believes that a kid can hurt the parent first or attack them first, they always assume there was abuse so the kid fought in self-defense. I think it has to do with the kids being innocent part. To me that is bull because I was teased by kids as a child and bullied so they are not really innocent, especially if there are ones out there who are violent and abusive.
“Alex, mummy is getting stressed out, please come out and we’ll wait in the car,” I said.
I waited and took his arm and tried to pull him out but he pulled away. I reached in my nappy bag and pulled out my old Nintendo DS and waved it at him. His eyes lit up and he went after it but I told him, “You can play it in the car.”
He left and I had to take him out to the car but the car was locked.
“Sorry Alex I forgot Grandpa had locked it,” I said. “You can still play it and we can wait here.”
Luckily Alex wasn’t upset and he turned the system on and I took out my DS carry case and opened it and let him select a game. I took the other game out of the system and put it in the case with the other games and he put the game in and I made sure it was in all the way and he turned it on.
I was happy I solved the problem.
I waited for Dad and Robbie to come back from using the toilet. They were sure taking a long time. It was chilly out here and I was cold. It started to rain a little so I took Alex back in the building where all the eating places and stores were.
I looked for Dad and Robbie. WHSmith was the last place to look because I knew Alex would get distracted and he loves Legos ad toys and I don’t want him see that stuff or he would just want to stare at them and play with the boxes and other trinkets and it would be hard to get him away from them.
I called for Dad but heard no answer. I knew he didn’t leave without me so I decided we will just wait by the doors. Alex still played his game and I played mine. I would just keep an eye on him.
I didn’t even know I got preoccupied in the game when I noticed Alex missing.
Shit.
I put my game away and felt embarrassed and a bad parent. I stayed calm and looked around. I hoped he didn’t go outside. I looked in each store including Burger King. I found Dad and Robbie in WHSmith looking around.
“Dad,” I said.
“Where’s Alex?” Dad asked.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“You don’t know?”
“He took off,” I said.
“Natalie.”
“He was playing his game and I decided to too and he was gone,” I said defensively.
“Stay here with your brother, I will go look for him, he couldn’t have gone off too far.”
Dad left the store and I still stayed calm. The worst that can happen is him wandering onto the motorway or getting hit by a car if someone isn’t paying attention. What are the chances?
Robbie was looking at the puzzles and toys and model kits. I looked around myself.
“Okay, I found him,” said Dad when he came back and there was Alex with him.
“Where was he?”
“I found him by the toilet. Where’s Robbie?”
“By the toys,” I said.
“No he isn’t.”
“Well he is around here.”
“I told you to watch your brother,” said Dad.
“No you didn’t, you told me to stay with him.”
Dad gave me a look and I could tell it was not a good look.
“What do you think staying with your brother means?”
“Staying with him?” I asked.
“Why would I tell you to stay with him if you weren’t supposed to watch him?”
I then felt dumb
“You’re an adult and a parent so you should know you are to stay with a child, not leave them off by themselves. Jesus even your mum knew what staying with a kid meant.”
I felt even dumber.
“Sorry,” I said.
“Here’s Alex and I will look for your brother now. Don’t lose him.”
Dad went looking for him.
I was still a dumb blonde and I felt so stupid. How could I not know this? Stay with your brother. Yeah I stay with him and I follow whenever he goes or keep him with me, duh, that is staying with him. How could I have been so dumb to not figure this out? If Mum um knew, then so should I.
“I found him, he was by the shirts,” said Dad.
He was smiling again. I guess he got over it so fast when he found him.
“Okay let’s go,” said Dad. “Anyone hungry, there’s food here.”
“I’m hungry,” said Robbie.
“Let’s eat, it’s lunch time anyway.”
I was able to leave the store with Alex and we went into M&S Food Supply. I saw some sweets and realized I was hungry. We picked out our food and I showed Alex around. I wasn’t going to assume he wouldn’t want anything just because he eats the same food every day. I always had the same food whenever we ate out and I would sometimes change my menu if I thought a food looked yummy and then I would stick with that food only. Then I got to my teens and realized I was missing out on all the new foods and I should try them all for the experience. So Alex could find something he wants to try.
I picked out some snacks I wanted to try. Alex didn’t pick anything here but that was okay. I had his apple slices and peanut butter and honey. If it weren’t for Daddy, I would have forgotten it and then we would have had to stop at a grocery store to get some apples and a sharp knife and peanut butter and honey. At least I would be saving money and it keeps me from stressing over what food to feed him.
Dad paid for our stuff, he paid for my food and sweets which surprised me and we went back to the car.
“Well that went well,” said Dad.
I wasn’t sure if that was sarcasm or if he was serious.
“Was that sarcasm?” I asked.
“What do you think?”
“Well we had a little incident in there , my son being gone and then Robbie and my son didn’t have a meltdown and he did pretty good in there so I am not sure,” I said.
“I was serious,” said Dad.
I decided I shouldn’t even bother asking him about body language or his tone or else he wouldn’t even give me a direct answer so I didn’t see the point. I will just live with it. At least Daddy will tell me without asking me what I think. I wondered if this was how he treated Mum when they were together. I had never seen him ask her “What do you think?”
We were on the motorway again heading west. We ate our food and I gave Alex few of his apple slices with peanut butter and honey. Robbie talked on the way and he and Dad played the game of finding letters in each alphabet on cars or signs. I just looked out the windows enjoying the scenery. I wouldn’t find any dry land here like I would back in the states.
Soon Dad said, “We are getting close to Bristol.”
Then he said a few seconds later, “Natalie, what do you want to do, we are getting close to Bristol.”
“I don’t know what there is to do here and you’re expecting me to pick?” I said.
“Okay, there is the Stonehenge, the roman baths, the Cheddar Gorge and they have caves there and the gorge is very beautiful.”
“I want to see a cave,” Robbie yelled.
“I don’t care, we can do those things,” I said.
“Are you sure? Okay. If there is still anything that comes to your mind, let me know,” said Dad and he made a turn onto M32 when we got to the junction.
“What if it was a mall I saw and I wanted to go there?” I asked.
“I don’t care, it’s your birthday.”
I was just testing him. I wanted to see how much he meant it, did he really mean I could do anything or did he have his limits and I was being too literal.
“What if it was the zoo?”
“It’s up to you.”
“What if I decided to go to Lego Land?”
“It’s all the way back in Windsor but if you want to go there, it would have to be tomorrow and I don’t know if they will be open this time of year.”
“Disneyland?”
“We won’t have enough time for that.”
So it had to be anything close by we would have time for.
Dad kept on driving south.
“When do we get to Bristol?” Robbie asked.
“We are in Bristol,” said Dad.
“I can’t see it?”
“This is Bristol, there are just not any buildings near this road.”
“I guess they keep them away from this road because of the noise,” I said.
“Oh there is city center,” Dad pointed to the sign.
I did see buildings finally and houses but mostly houses.
“There they are,” I said.
I saw buildings too now and Dad kept on driving.
“Oh IKEA,” I said looking at the building.
“You want to go there?” Dad asked.
“No,” I said.
“I’m just messing with you.”
We kept on going through the city and Dad said, “How do the caves sound?”
“Fine with me,” I said.
“Yeah,” Robbie shouted.
“Okay, we will head there. I hope they are open, if not, we can all enjoy the nice gorge.”
“Dad, what would you do if Steven decided to leave me so we got a divorce?” I asked.
“Where is that coming from? Are you two separating?”
“No, I said. “I just get that fear sometimes.”
“Are you having any marital problems?”
I am happy in my marriage and Daddy is happy and we don’t fight and he just gave me comfort this morning and being my daddy so I answered “no.”
“So what are you so worried about?”
“I just want to be prepared for if it does ever happen,” I said. “So what would you do if it happened?”
“I don’t know Natalie,” said Dad. “We will worry about it if it happens.”
“But I need to know what if he does, where would I go, what would be the steps I do and how would I survive alone with my son.”
“Natalie, I think you are worrying about nothing. Your marriage isn’t even in trouble. So don’t worry about it. It’s a waste of time of energy.”
“But I need to be prepared for in case it does happen and if his feelings change so I won’t be so stressed out when it happens and I would know if I would need to fly back home to my country or live with you and get help from you or be in some low income housing and I would know all the steps.”
“Natalie, you are getting ahead of yourself. You are thinking about something that hasn’t even happened yet or isn’t being considered, if everyone worried about their spouses leaving them, there would never be a happy marriage. Some people are worriers, my mum’s sister was a worrier and so were some of her family members and it didn’t get them anywhere. You can’t be too prepared. “
“But if people never worried about it, then divorces would be more common because no one would change anything in their marriage or-“
“That’s different,” said Dad. “If you and your husband are having problems, you do marriage counseling, you try and seek help first if your problems are causing any issues, you try and work things out and if none of those work, then you start to think about separating and getting a divorce and then you can worry about all those other things but right now you are not in that position so you are wasting your time thinking about it.”
Here I was being shot down for trying to figure out a solution to my problem so I won’t be so worried anymore. I figured I wasn’t supposed to prepare and plan ahead and if it does happen, then I am supposed to panic and be under a lot of stress like most people when they go through a divorce and have lot of anxiety and be so stressed out and regress. Then people would be saying how I should have thought of this before and plan what I was going to do if this happens. I can’t win.
“Besides if you are worried about him leaving you, think about your reasons why you have that fear and work on it,” Dad continued.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well why are you worried about it, what made you bring it up?”
I couldn’t tell him about this morning.
“My husband forgot to make my dinner last night,” I said.
Dad laughed. “That’s it? This is over no dinner being made? Natalie.”
“He always leaves food for me in the fridge before I come home from work and this time he didn’t so I got upset and didn’t eat.”
“Was he working?”
“Yes but he was home when I was at work.”
“Maybe he was tired and didn’t feel like doing any cooking.”
“But he always cooks even when he did work that day.”
“Sometimes work is more stressful on a day so he probably didn’t have the energy to make you anything and he expected you to help yourself. Did you talk to him about it?”
“Yes,” I said.
“What did he say?”
“He said I was an adult and I can’t be dependent on him.”
“He’s right. Your mum always helped herself to food and she was the one who always cooked and left food for me in the fridge.”
“And you would get upset if she didn’t make you anything,” I said.
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did, “hey where is my food, did you cook anything for dinner” Oh we are having leftovers again” “I hate leftovers.””
“Okay okay enough, I get it,” said Dad. “I’m going to drop this.”
I knew he meant the topic and he was done talking about it. I didn’t dare to say anything more about it. Why is it that people always want to shut down topics when I am right or call them out on their hypocrisy?
Then Dad asked me to pull out the atlas and look at it and tell him what road to take. I turned to the page to where it showed the Bristol area and I knew what motorway we were on.
“We are going to the Mendip Hills so do you see it on there?” Dad asked.
I looked.
“It’s south of here, it should say on the atlas.”
I looked.
“Do you see it?”
“I’m looking I said.”
“Are we there yet?” Robbie asked.
“No Robbie,” said Dad.
Robbie then rolled down the window and Alex said “Don’t stick your head out the window or the window goes up.”
“Robbie, keep the window closed,” said Dad.
“I’m bored.”
“We will be there, it won’t be long.”
“Find the town Cheddar on the map,” said Dad.
I looked in the back of the atlas at the names and looked for Cheddar and it told me what page I was on and what number and letter to look at to find it.
“Okay, found it,” I said.
“Now tell me how to get there?”
“Uh I would need to figure out the route,” I said.
“What is the nearest motorway there?”
“M5,” I said.
Dad then got off the road and pulled over somewhere and he took the atlas from me and looked at it.
“Are we here now?” Robbie asked.
“Does this even look like the gorge to you?” I asked.
I sometimes forget how kids ask stupid questions. The memories came flooding back in my mind when Mum would tell us “Does it look like we are?” “What do you think?” “Asking isn’t going to get us there any quicker?” and Dad would say “Is the car still moving?” and if we said yes, he would say “Then we are not there yet.” They would also ask us if we see any buildings yet.
Dad then handed the atlas back to me and said “I know where to go.”
He got back on the road and we soon left the area.
“Are we there yet?” Robbie asked.
I sighed.
“Robbie you are going to owe me a penny every time you ask me that,” Dad warned.
“A penny? That’s hardly anything,” I said.
“For a little kid that is.”
“Is that his allowance or what?”
“He collects coins he finds.”
Oh I get it, he would hate to lose money, it’s like a video game where you don’t want to lose points so you try and avoid penalties.
We drove in the country side again on the narrow road and I enjoyed seeing old English buildings and we even drove through a town.
My body decided to excel its contents into my nappy. I felt it come out and it spread in my nappy and I didn’t say anything. I knew the rule Daddy gave me about if I go poopy in my nappy, change. I decided to wait until Dad says anything about it. I was hoping no one would notice.
“Who farted?” Robbie asked.
“Not me,” said Dad.
“Natalie go change,” said Alex.
“Natalie is that you?” Dad asked.
“No,” I said.
“I am going to find a place to stop.”
“Why does Natali need to change?” Robbie asked.
“She has something to take care of in the bathroom, all women do,” said Dad. “But you wouldn’t know because you don’t have a mum around to see.”
“See what?”
“They get their periods,” I said. “So they bleed out of their vagina and they have to wear a pad in their knickers or some disposable pants or a tampon and they go in there and change it,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because their egg doesn’t get fertilized from the sperm so the body releases the egg and gets rid of it and the blood and then it starts all over again.”
“What starts over?”
“The uterus. It starts to make the blood again getting ready to make a baby and when the next egg comes to the uterus and it’s not fertilized, it gets rid of that egg again and the blood and it makes it all over again to get ready for the fertilized egg to make a baby.”
“How does a baby get made in there?”
“Uh,” I tried to figure out how to tell him but Dad stepped in. “You’re too young to understand this. This is a topic for grown-ups.”
“Why?” Robbie asked.
“Because it is, it’s complicated and you wouldn’t understand.”
“My mum explained all this to Brian when he was little and he still got it,” I said.
“And what happened?” Dad asked me. “Don’t answer, just remember what happened.”
Of course I wouldn’t remember it because I wasn’t even born but I remembered the story. Brian had been taught by Mum where babies came from and she used the terms uterus and vagina and penis and sperm and she told him how it was done and he went to school telling that to his kindergarten class and parents were not happy about their kids learning some new words and what penises were actually used for and why girls didn’t have one. At least he didn’t say “boys got a penis and girls got a vagina.” Mum had also basically taught him about sex while explaining how the sperm gets there so Brian shared that in class too and he got in trouble for that talk because it was “inappropriate” and “sexual.”
“Kids start to learn this stuff when they are preteens,” I said. “So it’s not a grown up topic and some parents teach it to their kids younger.”
“Okay, this is a topic for older children and Robbie is not a preteen yet so he is too young and this is a preteen and up topic, how’s that?” Dad asked.
“Better,” I said.
“And I am not ready for your brother to know these things yet.”
“How come you let us know it young?” I asked.
“I was working so I had no way of stopping your mother. I wasn’t going to hire a nanny to police her.”
“How come?”
“Because she is a grown woman and she wouldn’t have liked that and she could be left alone and take care of you kids and the house.”
I think when Dad said nanny, he meant it as a joke because you only hire nannies for kids. For an adult it would be called a carer, caregiver in the US. Dad did feel he had five kids instead of four because he felt Mum was like a child because he had to take care of her so he would say he had five kids to mean his wife.
“She was a smart woman but she was very naïve and gullible and she wasn’t able to do things on her own unless told and she didn’t know how to control her spending but her empathy was low and so was her social intelligence. She was book smart but not street smart. She used to just take you kids to the library if you had a question so she could look up the answer and tell you or look it up at home and she knew how to cook, she was a good artist, she loved to read and learn new words, she followed the rules well and followed every rule on the road except I didn’t like how she handled tailgaters. That was about the only rule she broke and she used to dump my beer or hide it whenever she felt I was drinking too much. Brian helped out a lot too. He was a good son and a good brother.”
Soon we were in another town. I saw a bunch of houses again.
“Natalie go change,” Alex kept saying a few times.
“What’s that?” Robbie asked all of a sudden.
Dad looked and said “Uh oh.”
“What?” I asked.
“He got into your bag, sorry,” said Dad looking at me.
I looked and Alex had taken my nappy out of my nappy bag.
Dad was laughing and said to me, “He is already taking care of you so he has learned some care.”
I wasn’t embarrassed. I knew there was a high chance of Robbie finding out on this trip.
“Why does Natalie have a nappy?” Robbie asked.
“Why do you have a nappy Natalie?” Dad asked me.
He was wanting me to tell him instead of him.
“Because I need to wear them,” I said.
“Why? I thought only babies wear them and Grandma and Alex?” said Robbie.
“Now you know I do too. It’s because I was in a car accident when I was your age so my bowels and bladder stopped working due to nerve damage so now I have no control over them so I wear nappies because I have accidents.”
“Oh.”
Robbie didn’t say anything else.
I took my nappy from Alex and got my diaper bag and held it in my lap.
Dad found a place to stop at for me to get changed.
I got out of the car with my bag and Robbie asked Dad, “Is Natalie going to get her nappy changed now?”
“Yes, that’s why we stopped,” he replied.
We all went inside and I headed to the toilet. I was hoping for a single one because it makes it a lot easier. All I found were multiple toilets so I went in a stall and locked it and started to get undressed. Then I opened my nappy bag and took out my wipes. I took off my nappy and sat on the toilet. This is the only time I get the chance to use it like everyone else. The mess in my nappy wasn’t very big but some of it still stuck to my butt and I used the toilet paper to get it off and let it fall in the toilet. Then I grabbed some wipes and started to clean myself. It took me a bunch of wipes to do it despite the mess not being bad. I got most of it off with toilet paper. Then I wiped my fingers and unfolded the nappy and poured a little power in it and stood up and put it under me. I taped it up and put my trousers back on and flushed the toilet and put my socks and shoes on. I had to wipe the mud and dirt off my bare feet before putting on the socks. Then I wrapped the nappy up and stuck it in the nappy bag and I walked out of the stall. I noticed a small trash can and I took the nappy out and dumped it in there.
“Are you going to throw that in there?” an older woman asked.
She had dark hair that looked black and I wasn’t sure how old she looked, I would guess forties or fifties.
“Huh?” I asked.
“Did you just throw a nappy in that dustbin?”
“Yes,” I said.
“It’s taking up too much space.”
“I am not carrying that dirty thing around,” I said washing my hands.
“No one needs to see it and it’s taking up the whole bin.”
“Well if they would have dustbins for soiled nappies, I wouldn’t have to throw it in there. At least I didn’t toss it behind the toilet again this time.”
The woman started to grumble about how disgusting people are with nappies so I said “Why don’t you complain to the British government about their discrimination against people with incontinence and have them install some damn rubbish bins in every toilet or make a special room for them to change in so they won’t keep finding dirty nappies under toilets and in tiny rubbish bins.”
I finished washing my hands and left. I couldn’t believe I used the word discrimination. That is a word people like to throw around.
I looked for Alex and decided I better take him to the toilet. I looked for Dad. I found him and Alex was touching a souvenir. “Let’s try and get you to the toilet again,” I told him.
“I already took him,” said Dad.
“Was he dry?”
“Yes and he went.”
“In the toilet?”
“Yes.”
“Okay I’m ready to go.”
Dad got Robbie and we left.
Dad took us to the Cheddar Gorge. We drove through it. I saw all the rocks in the hills and the trees and cliffs. It all looked like we were in a mountain. I saw some people walking and hiking and I saw some spots for people to pull over and park to enjoy the gorge and walk around.
“Where are the caves?’ Robbie asked.
“They’re back there but right now we are looking at this beautiful gorge,” said Dad.
The gorge wasn’t very long because it had ended so we turned around.
We drove back into the gorge and I didn’t see any caves. Then we were back in the village. I did see the entrance to the cave.
“There’s the entrance,” I said.
Dad then turned into the lot where cars parked and parked. I had to go in the boot and dig into some stuff to get to my nappies since I had ran out in my nappy bag. I opened one of the packs and took out a nappy. I figured I would only need one. Was I going to poop again so soon? This nappy could hold a lot of fluid but I had to be prepared and we could always go back for another nappy. I didn’t care about the possibility of someone noticing. I also grabbed some things for Alex and shut the boot and handed the keys to Dad.
We walked to the cave and Dad asked where to get tickets and the man told him where to buy them. We walked to the little cottage and went inside and Dad bought us all tickets, two adults and two kids. We didn’t want the audio tour, we just wanted to look. Then we walked back to the cave. Dad handed them back to the guy and we went inside.
We saw all the sculptures water had made over the years and it still had water in here. There was also singing and lights.
“Too bad I didn’t bring the camera, it’s so beautiful,” said Dad.
There was also water dripping in the cave. The whole cave echoed from water and people talking and voices singing.
“Is this all real?” Robbie asked.
“Yes, it’s all real,” said Dad.
Alex kept on touching the rock and I was tempting to feel it too. But the sign said to not touch so I told Alex he is not supposed to be touching the rocks but he can look. He then started touching the fence which was fine by me. He also put his hands in the water and splashed. Robbie copied him too. I felt the water and it was cold. I wiped it on myself. Alex soon started to act up so I offered him his special head phones. I put them on him and he acted a little better.
Soon we were done looking and we left the cave. We didn’t do the Crystal Quest.
I wanted to look around in the village to see what was there. Robbie wanted to look in another cave but Dad said only if I wanted to do it.
“I want to look around the village,” I said.
“Okay, we will head back to the car then,” said Dad.
“No, the village in this gorge,” I said.
“I know, I don’t want to walk all that way so we will park closer.”
We went back to the car and got in.
Dad started the car and we left the car park and drove deeper into the village. The buildings looked like cottages and from the olden times and they were all on the side of the road looked tucked into the mountains. Dad found a place to park again and we all got out and started to walk. I saw what shops and eating places they had. I looked in some stores. I was anxious so I was impatient with everyone because I wanted to look around before daylight ran out and I only had today and tomorrow. But once we started walking, I calmed down. I saw they had another museum but I wasn’t interested. I saw another cave entrance but I wanted to look around first. Then Robbie complained about being hungry again.
“Okay, I will get you something to eat,” said Dad.
“Can’t he wait?” I said.
“Natalie, he is hungry so he needs to eat.”
“He can eat later, he won’t starve to death.”
“Natalie.”
“It’s my birthday and I won’t have him ruin it,” I yelled.
“You just look round yourself and I will take both these kids okay so you go on and have fun.”
I was happy and I left leaving behind Alex. I felt calmer again. I walked around and I came to the same car lot Dad parked in and I looked at the building and saw what was in it. I looked in the shops and left. I went further into the village and saw what was around. I looked in a discount store and then left and looked at other buildings and I found a store that sold games and DVDs and toys. I think I spent my time longer in this store than I did in the others. Then I went next store and saw some sweets be made.
I wondered what my dad and my brother and son were up to. I figured they were all looking around and taking their time without ruining my time while I am off on my own being in control of my own situation. I didn’t want to wander off too far because I wasn’t sure how far I should walk and I didn’t want to be further away from the car and then dad not being able to find me. I still had a spare nappy with me just in case. But I realized I still had some of Alex’s pull ups with me and his few other things. I hoped Alex was okay and Dad was handling him well. He couldn’t even handle my mother but maybe that was because he had to deal with her on a daily bases and he doesn’t have to deal with Alex on a daily bases so he has more energy and more patience and won’t get tired of him.
I got done watching the sweets get made and I looked in the shop and then left. I wasn’t sure what time it was so I looked at my clock on my 3DS. I had a few streetpasses. I opened it and went to Notifications to see how many I got. I got several so I went to Mii Plaza and did Puzzle Swap and Streetpass Quest II. I was nearly done with Puzzle Swap. I still had one panel left.
After I was done, I headed back to the village and looked for Dad and my son and brother. I walked down the pavement hoping to see them. I took out my mobile phone and saw my Dad had called and I had missed it. I dialed his number back and he picked up and “Hello?”
“Dad, where are you?” I asked.
“We’re at The George Bear, a shop. It’s in the same lot where we parked when we saw the cave. Where are you?”
I looked around to describe where I was at. “I passed the cave and I see the water next to me that is like a pond.”
“Okay, head to the car and we will meet you there,” said Dad.
“Okay, bye.”
I hung up and headed to his car. I got there and waited and I looked at my 3DS again. I was down to three bars. I looked at all the games I had from the eshop including games my brother helped designed. He is a game designer and creates graphics for them and characters. He started making them in his teens and it started out with him ripping graphics from other games and adding his own stuff in them and making it a game of his own and he once made once based on me and called it Incontinent Natalie and I go around killing bad guys who are the mean kids from my school and if my nappy got full, I would take it off and toss it on the ground killing a bunch of enemies around me. I just had to collect foods or drinks to fill up my nappy to toss again. I remember he used a background from Bart Simpson and the Space Mutants and pretended downtown Springfield was Saltwater, Washington. That game used to be private owned by us and we were the only ones who had that game he made and then he posted it on Newgrounds for everyone to play. It was one of his first works he ever did and he did it as a hobby. I remember it got shared on AB/DL forums because it involved nappies. Now he comes up with his original ideas with the others.
Dad soon arrived back and he unlocked the car everyone got in. Then Robbie started shouting.
“Hey stop.”
Dad and I looked and Alex was trying to pull on Robbie and Robbie was trying to push him off.
“Alex, let go of your Uncle,” said Dad.
“Alex’s seat,” Alex shouted.
“Robbie, just get in on the other side,” I said.
“Does it matter?” Dad asked.
“Yes it matters unless you want to deal with this,” I said.
“Alex honey, just sit in Robbie’s seat, it’s time to switch places.”
“What’s the big deal about not sitting in the same spot?” I asked..
“Can’t he be flexible?”
“I am not going to have my trip ruined by this or I will fix this myself,” I shouted.
Dad got out of the car and I thought he was going to make Robbie move to his seat but instead he broke up the fight and pulled Alex away. I got out and yanked Robbie out of the car.
“Hey,” he said and he started to try and push me away.
“Natalie!” Dad yelled.
“I said I would fix this myself,” I yelled.
Robbie kept trying to pull away so I dug my fingernails into his skin to get him to cooperate. I figured a little bit of pain will do.
“Owwww,” Robbie yelled.
Dad let go and I kept pulling on Robbie and pulling him out of the car.
Dad grabbed me and he was stronger than me.
“I am not going to let him ruin my birthday trip,” I shouted.
“He will get over it even if it takes longer,” said Dad.
I didn’t see what the big deal was sitting in the same seats. It was an easy fix.
I decided to handle this how Mum would.
“Fine, ruin my birthday, let your son be a brat and upset my kid,” I yelled storming back to my seat and slamming the door.
I just hung my head down and cried.
Everything was now ruined, I was not having fun anyway, it was going to be hell because Robbie took my son’s seat.
Dad and Alex were outside and he was banging on the car door Robbie sat. Dad just stood there.
Frustration and stress built up inside of me and I turned and looked at my brother with an anger look on my face to show him how angry I was at him for being so selfish spoiling my trip. If I had on a stinky nappy, I would have stayed in it to punish them. Maybe I will get lucky and poop again.
I couldn’t stand to be here with my brother because the more I was here, the more pressure built inside of me and I felt like doing something crazy to him so I stormed out of the car and took off.
“Natalie, where are you going?” Dad called.
“Having my own fun,” I yelled. “I’ll just walk and explore the rest of the town myself while you do this.”
“You have enough for changes?” Dad asked.
He was going to let me go and have my own fun while he does this. Maybe he will pick me up when this all ends, we do have our mobile phones. I went to the boot and Dad opened it for me and I grabbed a few more nappies and stuffed them in my bag and walked off.
I headed towards town out of the gorge.
Not too long later, a car pulled beside me and Dad rolled down his window and told me “Get in.”
I noticed Robbie was back in his normal seat again and Alex had his seat back. I guess Dad had changed his mind.
I got on the other side and got in.
“You’re on the wrong side,” I said.
“There are no cars coming,” said Dad.
He got back on their right side of the road, the left side.
I felt a little calmer but I still felt upset. It would be a while before I feel normal again.
“Well you got your way, I hope you’re happy,” said Dad.
I wasn’t sure if he meant it or if he was being sarcastic, I didn’t want to play any guessing games or even ask. I just didn’t care. I was too upset and didn’t have the mental energy to think.
“You know Natalie, you wig out and act this way when things don’t go your way and you’re an adult and setting a bad example for these kids especially Alex. Then you take off.”
“You said I could,” I said.
Dad just slammed his hand on the steering wheel. “It may be your birthday but you don’t have the right to do child abuse and you really tore his skin open when you pinched him and start screaming at all of us acting childish instead of acting like an adult here. When is this going to stop?” Dad raised his voice.
I didn’t answer. I think it was a rhetorical question and I didn’t know the answer anyway so it didn’t matter.
“How is Alex ever going to learn social skills and how to control his own emotions if he keeps seeing his mum flip out every time things don’t go her way, he is going to think this is all normal and acceptable behavior. Is this what you do at home?”
“No,” I said.
“So why do it here? You’re better than that and I know you can do better.”
Of course I don’t do this at home, Daddy doesn’t get me this upset or let things upset me. He takes care of it all and keeps me calm. He will send me to my computer and take care of it.
“Just like your mother,” Dad sighed.
I just wanted to scream at all his accusations. Blaming Alex on me like he did with my mother about my behavior and Matthew’s and calling me all immature and using my age against me and letting his son take my son’s seat and stressing me out. I was so mad at my brother for causing all of this. I wondered if he felt bad or enjoyed all this. The thought of him doing this on purpose made me feel angrier inside. I hoped I was just being paranoid but kids are not always innocent. As a child I think kids would do things to me to get me into trouble. They would touch me just to see me react or start pretending they don’t hear me or play dumb just so I can repeat myself and then start touching me to get me in trouble or bully me until I am provoked so I will be in trouble and trying to convince me a rule had changed just so I will break it and get into trouble. And kids are so innocent. Not.
This was the worst trip ever.
We stopped at the Cheddar Cheese store. I just wanted to stay in the car and have some time to myself.
Dad and Robbie went inside and Dad brought Alex in too. I looked out the window and at other cars and at the buildings and the ground. I let myself cry. No one was here so I could just let it out before they get back. Crying in front of people just makes them think you are having a tantrum and it’s embarrassing anyway to see they have hurt you and they are not going to care.
Soon they came back and I wiped my eyes and kept my head away. I couldn’t let them see I was crying.
“Natalie, they have all this cheese they make here,” Dad started telling me.
He sounded happy and it was as if he had forgotten what had happened between us.
“This is where Cheddar cheese is made and they have a factory here and you can watch them make it, oh you should have seen it. Did you see how they made it?” Dad asked.
“Yeah,” said Robbie.
“Alex liked it too and we saw how they stirred it and shoveled it making it all hard.”
“They poured salt in it,” Robbie added.
I did not care how cheese was made and how the cheese got its name. I guess they named it after this town. I did notice a lot of shops here sold Cheddar cheese and I thought it was because this town was named Cheddar.
“Too bad you didn’t see it,” said Dad.
“I don’t care,” I said.
“I know what your problem is, you’re hungry, that’s why you’re this way. You haven’t eaten and we have been walking around.”
“I’m not hungry,” I said.
“Yes you are, you’re cranky and when you’re hungry, you get real snarly and irritable. One you eat something, you will realize you were hungry. I should have realized it before. I think it’s time to eat kids, they have lot of eating places around here. Natalie you are free to stay and we will bring you back some food.”
Now Dad was blaming all this on my “hunger.”
Robbie also seemed to have forgotten what had happened and so had Alex and here I was still recharging after the episode.
Dad, Robbie, and Alex all left again. I stayed behind. I put the seat back and rested.
Then later I heard them come back but I noticed Dad had bags with him.
“What’s in those?” I asked.
“Food, Alex wasn’t doing well so we asked for takeout,” said Dad. “I got you something.”
Dad got the kids in the car and he took the bags off his car he had on top and got in. He opened one of the bags and said “Here is your food, wrong one.” He opened another bag and said “This is your food.”
Dad started the car.
“Eat your food,” Dad told me.
“Maybe later,” I said.
I didn’t want to eat.
“Okay, just eat half of your sand which and then that is it,” said Dad. “You need to eat something so I am only asking for a half a sand which.”
Only a half? That shouldn’t make me gain weight . I looked inside the bag and took out a carton and opened it.
“Alex needs to eat something too and he wouldn’t eat anything,” said Dad.
“He won’t eat a lot of food he isn’t familiar with,” I said. “That is why I brought my own, Alex food.”
I took out my sand which and it had swiss and cheddar and lettuce, tomato and some sauce and it was cut into two pieces. I took a bite and it was good so I ate a half but instead I ate the whole thing.
“Boy you were hungry,” said Dad.
I opened another carton and it was soup and it had a spoon in the bag so I started eating that. Robbie was eating his food too but Dad wasn’t. He was just driving.
“Well everything is closed now,” said Dad.
“No it’s not, restaurants are still open and bars,” I said.
“No I mean the stores, I think it’s time we check in and we will continue the journey tomorrow. Let’s find a place to stay.”
“Can we check out this town and see what is here?” I asked.
Dad drove around looking. Most of them were just houses. Then we saw the downtown area where all the stores were including a grocery store. They also had a pharmacy here. I hoped they carried adult nappies. After Dad drove around, he found an inn. He parked the car and got out and went inside. He then came out a few minutes later and got in and started the car shaking his head.
“Aren’t we staying here?” I asked.
“Jerks,” he said.
“What happened?” Robbie and I asked.
“They wouldn’t give us a room.”
“Are they full?” I asked.
“I told them Alex is autistic and they wouldn’t give me a room, they said he would be too disruptive and would wreck the room and stuff. I won’t do business with them, he isn’t an animal.”
“Actually he is, we’re all animals, human animals we are,” I said.
Dad gave me a look, a look that said something like “You know what I mean.”
“I meant like dogs,” he said.
Dad found another place to stay at and it was another inn. Dad parked the car and got out and went inside.
He came back out smiling. “We got a room,” he said.
He got in the car again and parked again and we all got out and went in the boot. We took our stuff out and I held Alex’s hand as I carried our stuff to our room. Dad carried the cooler with Alex’s food. “I requested a mini fridge,” Dad told me.
When we got in our room, I dumped the stuff on one of the beds. I saw they had a bunk bed and two twin beds. The room was pretty tiny and so was the bathroom. It was so small it was all in one room behind the door; it had a toilet, sink, shower, all in one. They also had a flat screen TV on the wall. Then there was a knock at the door and a person calling “room service.” Dad answered it and there was a man carrying the mini fridge. It was square sized. He set it down and Dad took out a tip and dropped it in his hand. The guy left and I opened the cooler and put in Alex’s food. Dad started to make some tea that was sitting on the dresser. Instead of coffee they have tea in every hotel room.
“Robbie, you will get the top bunk,” Dad told him.
“Yeah,” he jumped and shouted. He climbed up and jumped on the mattress.
“No jumping,” said Dad.
He took out his food and started eating it.
My nappy was wet and I could feel it in the back. It was feeling a little uncomfortable. I took out the 3DS charger and plugged in my 3DS and I did I same for my old DS. I prepared Alex his snack for the night and set it on the tiny table.
“Alex, here is your food,” I told him. “It’s right here on the table.”
It wasn’t apple slices and peanut butter and honey this time. It was mac and cheese in a cup I cooked with hot water I used with the machine that makes tea. I also had a spoon for him. He loves mac and cheese like I do and it’s also one of the only things he will eat.
I decided I was going to shower since I needed a change. I grabbed my pajamas and a clean nappy and shampoo and my razor blade.
“Dad, I am going to take a shower,” I said.
“Okay, I will watch your son.”
I went in the tiny bathroom and set my nappy and pajamas on the toilet. I put the shampoo and razor blade in the shower. I started taking off my stuff and I opened the door a little and just tossed my stuff out there. Then I took off my nappy and dumped it in the tiny dust bin. It was so small my nappy took up a lot of space.
I turned the water on and waited for it to warm up and got in. I shaved first and then washed my hair.
I got out when I was done and I opened the door a little and asked for a towel. Dad handed it to me and I took it and dried off and wrapped it around my head. I grabbed my nappy and unfolded it and put it on. I put my pajamas on and stepped out. Alex was eating his dinner. Dad had the TV on and he had on some movie. Robbie was playing with some of his toys. I just plugged in my mobile phone for it to charge. I also remembered to brush my teeth when I saw Dad doing it. I took out my computer after I was done and turned it on. They had free wi-fi here so I connected to it. I made myself some tea and sat down at the tiny table. I was going to take my medicine I take for anxiety when I remembered I left it at home. Oh well I wasn’t going to die without it or go so crazy without it or get sick. It just helps me cope better with stress and handle things better and have less executive dysfunction issues.
When we were all going to bed, Dad arranged for Alex to sleep on the bottom bunk and he and I would sleep on the single beds. I just played my Nintendo 3DS instead of reading. We made sure the door was locked and I didn’t want Alex to leave our room. I would hate to wake up and see him not here. Alex wouldn’t stay in bed that night because he kept wandering around. New room, different bed, he was having troubles adjusting here and sleeping. I was up most of the night with him. Then I decided to sleep by the door so I had wrapped myself in my sheets and blanket and lied on the floor by the door so Alex wouldn’t unlock the door to get out. I would wake up if he tries to escape. This was a hard night for me too and I also had to adjust not sleeping in a bed. This was a bad night. I was amazed how Dad and Robbie slept through it. Then I woke up with Dad nudging me and he said he would sleep there and I go to bed. I went to bed with my sheets and blanket and slept with my stuffed animal. I saw Alex was finally sleeping. I think I slept better in bed.
I woke up in a smelly diaper. I smelled poo and I knew it was me. I had pooped in my sleep. Everyone else was still sleeping so I got on my computer and checked the message boards. I felt pee escaping into my nappy again. At least it can’t escape that. The front got all warm from the pee and I felt a little turned on. I just rubbed myself down there. Everyone was sleeping so I could have a little fun with myself. I stuck my hands inside my pajamas and rubbed the outside of my nappy. I could also smell the pee from it too. I was reminded what I had done. The nappy was uncomfortable but I didn’t feel like changing yet. I didn’t want to deal with this mess but I knew I would have to soon. Daddy wasn’t here to do it but even if he was, I would still have to change myself anyway because Alex would be here but if his son were here, he would have sent them out of the room so he could clean me up but I bet right now he would have wanted me to do it myself because he wouldn’t want to wake them up or risk changing me and them waking up and seeing it.
I also turned on the TV and the TV blared so I had to pick up the remote and turned it down. They had basic cable and I found some American shows. Then Robbie woke up. He climbed down and headed into the loo. Then he came out after the toilet was flushed and he asked “Did you poop in your nappy?”
“Yes,” I said.
“You smell like poo.”
I didn’t say anything. I wouldn’t change unless he complains about it and how much it bothers him. Robbie just played with his toys again.
“Ew when are you going to change?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
I remembered Daddy’s rule. “When you do a doo doo in your nappy, make sure you change.”
Alex soon got up and I checked his pull up and it was wet. I had to change him and I tried having him go in the toilet. Then after I was done, I got him dressed.
“Natalie go change,” said Alex.
“Yeah change Natalie, you stink,” said Robbie.
I went to the window and opened it and said, “Now it won’t stink in here.”
“It’s cold,” Robbie complained.
“Put your coat on,” I said.
I stayed on the computer and Alex went into my nappy bag and pulled out one of my nappies and grabbed the wipes and put them on my lap.
“Go change now Natalie,” said Alex.
“I will.”
“You stink Natalie go change,” said Robbie.
Dad then stretched in his bed and woke up. “What’s going on here? Hey it’s cold in here.”
“Natalie opened the window,” said Robbie.
“Please close it, it’s chilly,” said Dad.
I got up and closed it.
“Natalie also won’t change her stinky nappy,” said Robbie.
“Natalie, go change it right now,” Dad ordered.
I picked up my nappy and wipes and went in the water closet.
I took off my pajamas and I had to toss them out of the water closet because it was too small in here. I started undoing my nappy and then I used the toilet paper to wipe lot of it off and I hopped in the shower and sprayed my bottom. It was one of those shower handles you take off to spray with. I washed my whole bottom and then I opened the door a crack and asked for a towel. Dad handed me one and I dried off and put the clean nappy on. Then I left the water closet in my shirt and nappy. I picked up my pajama bottoms and went to my other bag where my clothes were and nappies.
Dad went in the water closet and peed and he took the dust bin out of there with my overflowing nappies. “Natalie, please don’t throw your nappies in here, they stink.”
“I have nowhere else to put them,” I said.
“Here, use these bags here and put your nappies in these and take it out.” Dad gave me the bags he had our takeout food in. I shoved my nappies in them and they were so tiny I could barely fit my nappies in there. There was no way I was going to carry these out there. Dad was already in the shower and I could hear him bathing.
I just left my used nappies in the dustbin
“Your nappies smell,” said Robbie.
Alex had his hand over his nose. Robbie copied him. “Ewwww,” he said.
I ignored it. I knew he wasn’t saying it to be hurtful. It was a ewwww.
Soon Dad finished showering and he came out wrapped in a towel and he told me to not look because he had to get dressed. I turned my back and dad got dressed and told me I could look now. Dad had on different clothes and he combed his hair.
“Natalie, please put something on over.”
“Why?”
“Because we don’t need to see your special knickers, you don’t see me walking around in my boxers so we shouldn’t see yours either. It’s not proper.”
I got dressed. I put on a different pair of trousers and I took off my top and put something else on. My crotch grew warm again and I actually felt secured.
“When do we check out?” I asked.
“I don’t know, check out time is at eleven but I would like to try and be out of here before then.”
Dad was packing up his things.
“Kids, you better get packing, I mean you too Natalie oh, happy birthday.”
I remembered I was thirty. I was now out of my twenties and now in my thirties. At least I still looked the same as yesterday but I still felt old. I was thirty. I no longer felt young.
I started to pack up my stuff. I took everything off their chargers and put them away and the chargers too. I logged off my computer and put it away too. I packed away Alex’s things too and got his teeth brushed. I also put on his socks and shoes.
“Natalie, didn’t I tell you to take out your nappies?” Dad scolded.
“They wouldn’t fit and there is no way I am carrying those out there exposing them,” I said.
Dad sighed. “I will see what I can do. Stay here with the kids and I mean don’t let them leave this room and make sure they don’t get into any mischief. You’re in charge.”
Dad put his shoes on and left the room. Robbie and Alex both watched TV sitting on the bed I slept on. Then Dad came back with a plastic bag. He told me to put my nappies in there and take them out and throw them away. I picked up my used nappies and put them in the bag and got my coat and shoes on and left. I looked for a dustbin. I found one on the main level and tossed it in there and went back to the room.
We all had free breakfast on the main floor. They had cereal and fruit and yogurt and bagels and cream cheese, toast. They didn’t have the right cereal Alex had so he refused to eat anything. He would have to wait until I was done eating before I could give him his cereal I brought along. I just had a bagel and cream cheese and Dad had his cooked and he put butter on it. Robbie had Cheerios. I also had some milk. There were a few other people eating in the room and Alex moved around in his seat and wandered around the room touching the wall and things. Just as long as he wasn’t touching the food or anything people use to eat with, it was fine.
“Natalie, you better try and get him to sit down,” Dad told me.
“Why?” I ask.
“Because people are eating.”
“So.”
Dad didn’t say anything else. Dad just got out of his chair and got Alex and pulled him to the table and gave him a napkin to play with and straw.
“This is the dining room, you don’t let your kids wander around,” Dad told me.
I really didn’t see the big deal about wandering around. Just as long as he wasn’t running and screaming and pushing people or running or walking into them or touching anyone or grabbing food off anyone’s plate or making any noise, what was the problem? Maybe Dad thought people would be bothered by him walking around like people used to be whenever I walked around and would tell me to sit. How hard is it to not watch someone walk around?
Soon, we were back in our room again and I played my game for a little bit and soon we started to check out. We picked up our stuff. I double checked the room to make sure nothing of mine or Alex’s was left and we left the room. Dad handed the key back. I couldn’t believe they were still using keys at this inn when other places use cards. I remember that being used in some hotels when I was a kid and then all places used cards by the time I was in middle school. I think really old hotels or private owned would still use keys. I think it’s chain hotels that use cards now.
We were out in the car park when Dad asked me “Where did you throw your nappies away at?”
“In the rubbish,” I said.
“Where?”
“Inside.”
“Where inside?”
“On the main floor in the hallway,” I said.
“Natalie, I meant outside.”
“You mean out here, not in there?” I asked.
“Yes.”
Dad sighed and shook his head.
“Sorry,” I said.
“I should have been clearer. I know I told you to take them out but I didn’t tell you where but when you take out your dirty nappies, you throw them away outside. You ask the people who work there where they keep their skip because you have something to throw away that is smelly and will stink up the rubbish or where they keep their outside rubbish bins and if they said they will take care of it for you, just give the bag to them. Remember when we would always throw yours away outside?”
“I thought you guys did it so they wouldn’t stink up the room or the bathroom,” I said.
“That too. It’s just courtesy so the room attendants wouldn’t have to deal with it.”
“But they deal with baby nappies,” I pointed out.
“That is different, those are not adult nappies, they smell more and take up more room.”
“Is this another hidden rule in society?” I asked.
“No, I call this courtesy.”
“What is the difference between a hidden rule and courtesy?”
“Well it’s not really a rule, it’s courtesy so they won’t have to deal with the offensive odor.”
“So it’s just your rule you made up,” I said.
“Mmm yeah, I guess you can say I made it up. I just think it’s courtesy for all the room attendants so they wouldn’t have to deal with smelly adult nappies.”
“But someone outside who empties the garbage does,” I said.
“True.”
We left Cheddar and were out on the narrow road again. We drove through the gorge again and I saw another entrance to another cave.
“Oh, there is another cave,” I pointed.
“I wanna go in there,” said Robbie.
“What do you want to do Natalie? Anything you have in mind?” Dad asked.
“I want to go to Bath,” I said.
“Bath? Okay,” said Dad.
We headed out of the gorge and Dad asked me to look at the road atlas again to tell him how to get to Bath.
“Just stay on B3135 until you get to A39 and then you will turn left,” I said.
“Is that the fastest way?”
“Why don’t you look for yourself?” I said.
Dad found a spot to pull over and he looked at the atlas and decided.
“Is there anything in Bath you want to do?” Dad asked.
“They have this one place about the Roman Baths,” I said. “I also want to see Stonehenge.”
“Stonehenge, okay.”
We went to Bath and Dad decided to get some more petrol so he stopped at one of the stations.
“Anyone need to use the loo?” Dad asked.
I decided I better take Alex. I got him out of the car and brought him inside. I looked for the toilet and took him inside. I pulled down his trousers and his pull up and had him sit on the toilet. I checked his pull up to see if it was dry. It was wet so I tore it off and took out a fresh one. Sometimes I think he wets himself on purpose because he will make it fine to the toilet and then other times he just wets. We had been trying to train him since he was eight and I have been told it can take a while. I took out a clean pull up and took off his shoes and trousers and slipped the pull up on him and put his trousers back on. I had him stand up and I pulled them up and put his shoes back on. He didn’t need to go but I had him wash his hands anyway because it’s part of the routine.
We went back out to the car and got in and waited.
“Can I get some candy Dad,” Robbie asked when he was finished filling the car.
“Go on in,” said Dad.
Robbie got out and Alex copied him. Dad went in with them. I just took out my Nintendo 3DS again and put in Super Smash Bros. I played the streetpass game and did classic mode. I was already playing at 3.0 difficulty and I always use my Mii character to fight and I love fighting other Miis. The games uses the Miis I have in my Mii Maker I got off the internet and some I have created myself for Tomodachi Life. I created Alex and Landon, Daddy, Christina and her kids and I have them all on Tomodachi Life and I have fought them in Super Smash Brothers. I even created the infamous Chris Chan.
Then Dad and the kids came back and Dad got in and tossed a bag of Starburst at me.
“I know you like candy so I got you some,” said Dad.
I picked it up and looked at it and stuck it in the pouch of the door. I would have it later.
Robbie was already eating his candy and Alex was chewing on a candy bar.
Dad had nothing and we left the station.
Dad looked for the Roman Baths. When he found it, he had to find a place to park. I saw he had town map with him and I looked at it and it showed all the attractions and some places like shops and where to eat.
“Where did you get this map?” I asked.
“I got it when I got the car filled,” said Dad.
The map also showed parking.
“Let me see it again,” Dad snatched it from me and looked at the map. “Let me know when the light turns, turn green I mean,” said Dad.
I watched the light. I had a feeling Dad was dumbing down his speech as if I wouldn’t know what he meant by “when the light turns.” Why would I let him know the light is red and yellow? When the light turns when we are stopped, it goes from red to red yellow and then green. Ever since the misunderstanding at the service area, he has been more specific, too specific.
Then it turned green. “Green,” I said.
Dad put the map down and started moving.
When we got to parking, Dad found an empty spot and parked the car. He had to pay some money. We started walking. We walked about six blocks and then Dad said, “This must be it.”
It looked like a regular old building to me. I was expecting it to look more like a ruin. We looked for the entrance.
I found the information place and we went in there.
“Is this where we buy tickets?” Dad asked.
“For?”
“For the Roman Baths,” said Dad.
“No you will buy them right over there,” she pointed, “which is the entrance for The Roman Baths.”
“Do you know how long it takes to see all of it?” Dad asked.
“It averages about an hour and a half.”
“Is it enjoyable for the kids?”
“Lots of visitors have brought their kids and they all enjoy it but pushchairs need to be left at the entrance and children under fourteen have to be accompanied by an adult and kids under five are free.”
“None of us have a pushchair so we’re good,” said Dad.
“Thy also have free audio tours and they have one for kids too and they are available in eight different languages, English, Russian, German, Italian, French, Spanish, Japanese, and Mandarin.”
“We only need English,” said Dad.
“You pick those up at the front entrance when you start the tour,” the worker informed.
Dad thanked her and we left and went to the building where we buy tickets. We waited in line and I held onto Alex’s hand. I just looked at the floor and walls and the ceiling and other stuff they had in here.
Then our turn came and Dad said, “I would like to buy tickets for two adults and two kids.”
“For the Roman Baths?”
“Yes,” said Dad.
There was a pause and then the worker said “forty pounds.”
Dad took out his card and handed it to her and then she processed it and handed him our tickets. “You saved six pounds on a family ticket.”
“Thank you,” said Dad.
“Enjoy the tour.”
“Where do we get the audios?”
The woman pointed and Dad thanked her again.
We walked away and handed them to another person and he handed us our audios.
I stuck it on Alex and put my own on. Dad helped put Robbie’s on. He already had his on.
I was hoping Alex would stay calm during all this and not ruin it for me. I held onto his hand so he wouldn’t get separated. We started to walk around and we listened to the tour. We saw displays and sculptures of the Romans and their town. So this place wasn’t a ruin after all like it looked in the photos I have seen. I also saw the pool I had seen in books. Parts of the inside of the building looked ruined. Alex liked feeling the rock. They also had other pools too. We also saw the old sauna and heated room. I noticed I was separated from Dad and Robbie but I didn’t care. I knew they wouldn’t leave me and I figured they would be waiting for us somewhere. My nappy was also wet. I could feel it in the back. I also pooped while looking at another indoor pool. It seeped out of me as I walked. It didn’t feel like a big one and I wasn’t going to stop my tour just to find a toilet to change or to see if they had a family area or a changing room.
“Natalie go change,” said Alex loudly.
“I will later after this,” I said.
He just kept his finger over his nose and held it shut.
I couldn’t even smell my own mess, I wondered if others could smell it or just him. But everyone around me acted like there was no smell so I ignored it.
Alex spent his time staring at the rock and touching and feeling and he kept looking at the spring and we looked at the object from there. I was bored but I waited. I was just waiting for Dad and my brother. I am not sure how long we were here for when Dad and Robbie finally showed up.
“Natalie, there you are, we have been looking all over for you, Robbie and I are going to leave and look in some shops around here and I have my phone, do you have yours?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Can you please check?”
I looked in my nappy bag and my phone was still there.
“It’s there,” I said.
“Okay, call me to find me. Will you be okay with Alex?”
“So far he hasn’t ruined my time,” I said.
Dad left with Robbie and Alex and I finished looking round. We were in the Great Bath now. It looked like a big swimming pool. Then we went back up to the main level and returned the audios and we walked around the temple court yard. Then we went inside a restaurant which was called The Pump Room. Alex saw the fountain he ran to it. I followed after him and it had a bunch of challises around it. I saw the man standing there filling one of them up with the water that was pouring out of the fountain and giving it to a couple. Then he filled up another challis and gave it to the guy.
“You can drink this?” I asked.
“Sure can,” he said. “It’s spa water and it contains 43 minerals. You can have a drink of it for two pounds.”
I had a little bit of cash with me Daddy gave me for allowance so I handed him a twenty and he gave me back eighteen and he picked up a challis and filled it and handed it to me. I took a sip and it tasted different.
“You want a sip?” I showed Alex but he turned his head.
I drank the rest.
The guy told me where to put the cup and I set it down there and left.
I took out my phone and called Dad.
“Hello?”
“Dad where are you?” I asked.
“Oh we are just right across the street walking around, are you done?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Okay we will be on our way back now so meet me at the entrance.”
“Okay, bye,” I said.
“Bye,” said Dad.
I hung up and put my mobile away.
I was feeling anxious and Alex was starting to act up. I did have dry snacks in my nappy bag.
“Change,” Alex started saying.
I remembered I was still in my nappy. I had to change it. I took out my museum map and looked to see where the toilets were and if they had family rooms or a changing room instead of that museum room. All they had were men and women toilets so I had no choice but to take Alex into the toilet with me and Alex is a big kid so people think he is older and don’t know about his disability because he looks normal. I wasn’t sure how people were going to react to that but I was prepared to say he is autistic. I headed to the toilets holding Alex’s hand. I told him where I was going so he would know where I was taking him. We went back where we got out tickets and where the entrance is and I took him into the women toilets.
“Ma’am this is the women’s room,” I heard a lady say. “Ma’am?”
I looked and the woman was looking at me and she didn’t look that much older.
“I know,” was all I said.
“But him,” she pointed.
“He has autism,” I say. “Have a problem with him being in here, complain to management about their lack of family facility or request a facility for special needs and their carers.”
I took Alex into the biggest stall and locked the door. I started to take off my stuff. I just gave him my game to play with to distract him. I took out my wipes and a clean nappy and took off my messy one and I sat on the toilet and started to wipe. I am not sure how many wipes I used but it was a lot maybe ten of them and I stuck them all in the nappy and wrapped it up and they did have a dustbin thanks to a changing station they had in here so I stuck the nappy by the toilet and unfolded the clean one and stood up and started putting it on. Then I threw my used nappy away in the rubbish and got dressed again. I flushed the toilet and put my shoes on and put my stuff away. Then I checked Alex’s pull up and it was wet. “Alex, you’re supposed to hold it and use the toilet,” I said.
I wondered if he had become a DL from his own diapers and me or being surrounded by them. Having a mum in them, grandma, great grandma, some kids in his school, so of course this was all normal to wear them. Some days he will get better at using the toilet and then he regresses. I ripped the pull up off and tossed it in the trash and I took out a clean pull up and I took off his shoes and trousers and put the pull up on him and slid it up and over. I pulled his trousers back up and put his shoes on and tied them and we left the stall. We washed our hands and we left the toilets and waited for Dad. People were looking at us as we left the toilets because of Alex. Seesh maybe I should out a sign on him saying “I have autism.” That might take care of everything. Or maybe get snarky about it and put instead “I’m not autistic, I am just some pervy kid who likes to stalk women toilets and listen to them go” but some people might be too dense to see the sarcasm and take it literal. One time my son staged a meltdown just to get us in the women toilets so I could change because women were arguing with me about bringing him in there and giving me a hard time so my son started to act up and scream and cover his ears and banging his head and people backed off. Then he was over it and acted like nothing had happened once we got in the stall. That is how I know he is smart and he is aware what goes on around him and he isn’t trapped in his own world, he knows what is going on around him even if people may think he is learning disabled (that is what they call mental retardation here) and think he can’t understand a word we say or not know what goes on around him. But I still don’t understand how can he be smart but yet still need help with self-help skills and toileting unless he is a diaper lover.
I looked for Dad and I found him. He waved to me and he asked me if I was hungry. I was starving. From all that waiting I had to do on my son and being patient and not letting myself get anxious, I was starving from using all that energy.
“How did Alex do?” Dad asked.
“He just wanted to keep looking at all the rock and displays and touching everything,” I said.
Dad laughed. “Well at least he enjoyed it. I bet he was fascinated by all these Romans.”
“I still want to see Stonehenge,” I said.
“It might be too late but we can still drive by it,” said Dad. “Let’s hope we can still see it and it won’t be too dark.”
We started walking and I noticed Alex was flinching and starting to stim so I took out his noise canceling headphones and put them on him. I also wonder why he just can’t try reaching into my nappy bag himself to try and get them out if he is so smart but autism is a complicated condition to understand.
“Let’s get something fast to eat,” said Dad.
“Good,” I said. “No sit down places.”
I didn’t want to waste my time waiting for food to be cooked so I preferred a fast food place or some place that sold quick food.
“They have Marks and Spencer on the way back to our car,” said Dad.
We headed back to our car and we stopped inside Marks & Spencer. The café was on the ground and second floor. We picked out our food and drinks and all Alex wanted was an apple and he wanted peanut butter with it. Luckily they had a tube of it and honey so I got those. I got a few of those. I felt I was wasting money but Dad didn’t mind paying for it. I cut it up at the table and put peanut butter and honey in a bowl and mixed it ad gave it to Alex.
“Is this all he eats?” Dad asked. “You need to try getting him to eat more foods.”
“How?” I asked. “I won’t have him starve to death.”
“I’m not saying to starve him, I said you need to try and get him to eat other things besides this. It’s a wonder he is so constipated and has to take supplement pills and take fiber.”
“You can try then and then tell me what you did so I can do it too,” I said.
I could tell Dad was about to say something else but then decided not to. I wonder why people do these things.
“What were you going to say?” I asked.
“Never mind,” said Dad. “You ate the same foods as a kid, Matthew ate the same foods when he was a kid,” he started saying. “Mum preferred the same foods and wouldn’t eat anything if it wasn’t the right calorie size or the right brand. All four of you were stubborn as heck.”
“That was only in restaurants,” I said. “I ate anything at home and Mum and Matthew were never this stubborn.”
“It was still too much and you only wanted certain kinds on food and you would get upset if I didn’t get the right ice cream. You always wanted mint or the other kind with different colors.”
“Those were my favorite,” I said. “I wasn’t interested in the other kind.”
“But it was still hard.”
“How?” I asked. “All you had had to do was buy two different flavors and problem solved.”
My dad was so silly. He makes things so complicated than they really are it’s a wonder why Mum got tired of him and decided to get a divorce.
“You and your logical thinking,” said Dad.
I took it as a compliment.
We finished eating and I packed up Alex’s food and we left the store and continued back to Dad’s car.
We headed straight to Stonehenge. Dad knew where it was because he had been there when we was a boy. He told me it was nothing like I saw in National Lampoons European Vacation when Clark Griswold accidentally knocked down the whole entire thing by accidentally backing into the first rock. You just walk up and look around but you aren’t allowed to climb on them or even touch them anymore.
I had lived here for five years and I still hadn’t been out this way. I never go beyond London. Gas is so expensive and it’s harder to get around and it’s more common to travel by train and walk. I was used to driving everywhere. Plus I have Alex so I am too nervous to go somewhere new with him.
Dad told us stories about his brothers and him climbing on the rocks and jumping off them when they were all kids, back when you could still climb on them.
We took A36, B390, and A360 to get there and we came to a bunch of roundabouts on the way. They are rare in the US but seemed more common here. Dad said it helped with traffic. I found them annoying, they didn’t tell you which direction to go and it was easy to get turned around but Dad seemed to know what he was doing. He told me a funny story about these tourist he met from America and they drove all around England and every time they would get to a roundabout, they would keep driving around it until the other person figured out what direction to take and they had to go by town names. I thought it was funny so I laughed. Driving around it, that was clever because it was hard to pull over and look at the map.
“Maybe they should install all these instead and replace all the traffic lights in my old country,” I said. “Then that would help with the rush hour.”
“But then everyone would be driving around them until they figure out what direction to turn and it would be even worse,” said Dad.
“No there would be signs with road names on them and saying what direction you’re going,” I said. “I wonder how everyone here knows where they are going without any of those signs telling them the street names or what direction they are going,” I said.
“That is why we say Americans are stupid and simple,” said Dad. “But I have ran into some people who have told me how much life is easier in America and how much cheaper it is, petrol, food, taxes, more open space.”
“And free country,” I added.
“And owning a gun just like that,” said Dad.
“And suing people when it’s your own fault but I still love it here eve if things are harder, narrower roads, having to dry my linen and how it takes me all day to do a load and how small rooms are and having to buy food more often due to limited space in the kitchen and fridge and freezer or having to have a license for a TV set,” I said.
We drove through the village of Shrewton and came to our last roundabout and then Dad said “There’s the visitor center.”
All I saw was the car lot and a bunch of trees. Dad pulled into the car lot and parked and we got out and headed to the center. It looked like a bunch of trees to me without the branches. It was one ugly building. We went inside and we walked around and I saw they had an adult changing room. I peeked in there and I felt so happy and it made me wish all places had it. They even had a table for adults to get their nappies changed. Daddy could change me in there.
Then Dad called me and I went over to him. “They’re not selling tickets anymore, they stop selling them two hours before closing and we got here too late and you now have to book them in advance,” he said.
I wasn’t upset, we could just drive by it.
“We can just drive by it,” I said.
“There is always another time and you can take a trip here yourself on your day off.”
“Sorry guys,” said the person behind the information booth.
“It’s fine,” I said.
“I’m sorry Natalie,” said Dad. “I hope you are not upset.”
“I’m not,” I said. “At least I don’t have to be out in this cold weather. Let’s go by it.”
“It’s way out there, I don’t think you will be able to see it from the road,” said Dad. “They have changed this whole place around.”
“What did it used to be like?” I asked.
“It used to be you parked closer and you would just walk up to it and look around and climb on it until they closed it off and now they do shuttles to get there.”
We looked around the center instead. They had exhibits here showing the English history about this area ad they also had exhibits about soldiers and World War I. They also had a shop here. I even wandered outside and looked at all the huts showing how people lived 4,500 years ago. I also got to go inside them. I was separated from Alex, Dad, and Robbie. I didn’t care. No one was here to bore me and I was in control of the situation which was fine by me because it was easier on me. I had been on my own wandering at museums since I was about ten or eleven depending on the place and then I could remember my parents calling my name and I would have to find the direction their voices were coming from.
I went back inside when I was done and Dad and Robbie were just about to go outside and look at the outside exhibits I just looked at. Alex was not with them.
“Where’s Alex?” I asked.
“I was going to ask you the same thing,” said Dad.
“He’s not with you?” I shouted.
I thought he was with you,” said Dad. “You just disappeared.”
I started to look around the place looking for him and calling his name. Dad helped me look. He was going around looking for him and calling his name and Robbie stayed with him.
Maybe he went outside so I went outside and looked at the exhibits again. I kept looking. I hoped he didn’t go too far and I was hoping he stayed on this property. I even saw a worker on site and asked him if he had seen a kid by himself and described his clothes he had on and his hair color and body size.
He offered to inform his coworkers about it and ask them if they had seen a boy nine years of age and he doesn’t talk and only says sentences he has heard and he has autism.
Alex and I both have something in common, we’re both wanderers except I had matured with it and I know not to go too far or leave the building or area so no one doesn’t need to worry about me. I was hoping he was just looking at the exhibits and enjoying his time but I didn’t see him anywhere so I kept on looking. I even looked under stuff to see if he could be hiding. I also looked in the store and café and he was nowhere in site and I even asked the employees there and they said they had not seen him.
I kept calm. Worrying was a waste of time so I had to stay calm. If he was found safely, I would have wasted my time of energy having anxiety and a breakdown over his disappearance and it would be all that energy for nothing. I still looked and then an employee decided to look outside and head towards the Stonehenge. Then I was called by one of the employees and I was informed he was found and he was walking on the pathway towards Stonehenge about fifteen minutes away from here. He had been picked up by a shuttle and was coming back here. I was happy he was okay and he didn’t go on the road or leave the property. He just wanted to see the monument so he left and headed that way.
The shuttle came back and I saw my son. I went over to him and I was glad he wasn’t upset either.
“Oh Alex, you gave me a scare,” I said. “You wanted to see the Stonehenge huh? I am glad you didn’t take off far.”
I took his hand and went back in the visitor center. I didn’t let go of his hand again and I was sweating because I had on my winter coat and was carrying my nappy bag. I decided to take him to the toilet and check his pull up so I took him to the adult changing room and checked and had him sit on the toilet. He peed and I pulled his pull up back up and his trousers and washed my hands and had him wash his too.
“Natalie need changed?” Alex asked.
“I’m fine,” I said. “And it’s “you need changed” not I.”
It would be nice if he would call me Mum then referring me by my name but we have been working on it.
We left the changing room and looked for Dad and Robbie.
I found them and Dad found me and he was so happy to see us together.
“Where did you find him?” Dad asked.
“He was heading to Stonehenge and the shuttle picked him up and brought him back,” I said.
Dad just smiled and laughed. “Oh, good thing he was found. It looks like he wanted to see it also and was so disappointed we couldn’t so he thought he could just go alone.”
“And walk,” I added.
Then I said was ready to leave.
Dad agreed and we left and went back to the car.
“I still want to drive by it,” I said.
I got Alex in his seat and Dad helped Robbie in his and I got in the car. Dad started driving and got back on the road and we drove further down and saw it. That was good enough for me and even Alex stared at it. It was way far put so it was hard to see and it looked tiny from where we were.
“There used to be a road that went by it and they closed it,” said Dad.
“Why?” I asked.
“I don’t know. What do you think?”
“Maybe to make money,” I guessed. “It will force people to stop and ride up to it to see it or else they would be seeing it for free just by driving by it and they wanted to make more money so they did that.”
“That is very good logic,” said Dad. “My logic is the place was getting more and more popular so they figured they can make more money that way by closing the road and building a whole new center so people will stop there and pay and see it so they can have a closer look. Okay, ready to head home?”
“Yes,” I said.
Dad took the quickest route home, he took A303 and the motorways. I just relaxed while Robbie started asking again “Are we there yet?”
“You owe me a penny,” said Dad. “You will owe me another one if you ask me that again.”
“I’m bored.”
“Let’s plat a game,” said Dad. “I spy something that is white and you stay in it and eat and sleep and you can take it with you.”
Boring. I had always hated this game because I have always found it boring. I preferred ISpy books.
Robbie didn’t want to play either because he wouldn’t even guess what it was. It was obviously a camper.
“Camper,” I said.
“Ding we have a winner,” said Dad. “Now I spy something that is a triangle.”
“Let’s find the letter A,” I told Robbie. “It can be on license plates or on signs, anywhere.”
Robbie got interested in that game and I went back to relaxing while he and Dad played it. Alex started to play it too. It was always great seeing him interact. Dad had forgotten about his boring game. Robbie didn’t ask are we there yet again until we were outside of London so Dad told him he owed him two pennies now.
“Nuh uh, you only said I owe you one, not two,” said Robbie.
“You owe me a penny for this one and you owe me another one from when you asked it before so that is two pennies you owe me,” Dad explained.
Dad dropped me off at home when we arrived back at my house. The drive was over two hours and Dad helped me unload my stuff and Alex’s. Christina was home and so were her kids. Daddy was home too and he told me they baked me a cake and they were waiting for me to get back to have it. I went in the kitchen and looked and it was a chocolate cake with white frosting. It was just a regular cake I was having this year. I remembered what Daddy had told me before the trip, he would give me a little girl day like he did last year for my birthday. He invited Robbie and Dad to stay for some cake. They did and Christina put the 3 and 0 on the cake and some candles around it so I would have more to blow out.
Daddy got a lighter and lit them all and we started to sing happy birthday. Then I blew out all the candles not even making a wish. Making them was stupid so I never liked making them. Then I started to take the candles off the cake and I licked the frosting off them. Daddy helped take them off and Haley grabbed the candles and started licking the frosting off. Alex grabbed one too and did the same. Christina had out plates and forks and a knife to cut it with. She started to cut it and gave me the first piece. I started to eat it while she cut everyone else a piece. The cake was all gone after everyone got a piece. There were eight pieces and eight people here. Then Christina gave me something that was from her and her girls. It was a card and it was a gift card to Build A Bear Workshop.
I remembered to say thank you.
Now I have more outfits to get for my Hello Kitty.
Daddy asked me if I was hungry and I told him no.
“We saved some food for you just in case you do later on,” he said. “Oh I have something upstairs, be right back.”
He went upstairs and we waited and then he came back down with a present and it had Barbie wrapping paper on it. “This is from Alex and me and from my son. Actually I bought it and picked it.”
I stared to open it. I saw what he got me. It was the new 3Ds XL Majora’s Mask edition and it had the game preinstalled.
“Wow,” I said. “It’s the new 3DS. Thank you thank you thank you,” I cheered and squealed.
I hugged Daddy and he hugged me back.
“I knew you would love it. You have talked about wanting a new 3DS and how you can’t use the 3D image because you have to keep still when you play it,” he said.
I had heard about the new one coming out thanks to the internet. Good thing I never got the regular 3DS XL.
“I hope you didn’t do Jingle All the Way with this,” I teased Daddy.
I read online all these editions were sold out everywhere because they were high demand, everyone wanted one and I told Daddy I would love to have one of these but I didn’t think he would get me one.
“Is this what you did all weekend, going around trying to find this particular item for me and this is what you meant by you would be working all weekend?” I asked Daddy.
“No I ordered it on ebay. I knew you would like it so I got you this one and look, it already as the game preinstalled.”
“I was just teasing, I am glad you didn’t go to every store in London.”
“No, I looked online and the bids were high on all of them so I did buy it now from a seller and it was a little more but worth it.”
“You were a sucker,” said Dad.
“No these were all sold out everywhere so they were higher in price due to demand,” Daddy explained.
“I still wouldn’t buy a game system that is more than you would buy in a store,” said Dad.
“If there is a specific edition you want and it’s high in demand, sometimes you have to pay a little more money to get it unless you want to wait months to get one when they are in stock.”
“Or do Jingle All the Way,” I added.
I opened the box and took out the new 3DS XL and it came with AR cards again but no adapter.
“Where’s the charger?” Daddy asked.
“They didn’t include it with this,” I said.
“What kind of company doesn’t include a charger?” Dad asked.
“I read they did this to keep the price down,” I said. “Lot of people were pissed about it.”
“I bet. Will your charger work with this?”
“Yes,” I said. “They all have the same port.”
A bunch of people had made a fuss about it online. They had a problem with having to buy another power cord because they would have to include their own power cord when they trade in their old 3DS system or sell it off.
I opened the new system and turned it on and I had to set the date and time, region, my birthday, and pick a nickname for myself. I picked my own than giving myself an alias. It also came with a 4GB SD card but it was a micro SD card and I needed a Phillips screw driver to get to it. There was no way I would be able to do a transfer because I had too many files on my card and 4 GB was too small and I didn’t have a adapter card for the micro card to do a file transfer. I would have to go get one. The new 3DS smelled all fresh and brand new. I could smell it from my hands. I sniffed the system.
“Can I smell?” Alexis asked.
“It doesn’t smell like anything except a new game system,” I said putting it to her face.
She smelled it and said. “It doesn’t smell like anything.”
“Told you,” I said.
I kept looking at the new 3DS. I would have to transfer all my data to this. I have been looking online about this because I wanted a the new 3DS game system and I wanted to see if I could transfer everything to it and it turns out you can, all your play coins, Ambassador Games, your Mii Plaza data, everything. Now I wondered if I would lose the preinstalled game if I transferred everything to this system.
“Is there anymore for her to open?” Dad asked.
“No this is it unless Christina got her something else,” said Daddy.
“No that was it, just the gift card,” she said.
“Okay, we will head out then,” said Dad.
“I’m glad you stayed for the party Uncle Glen,” said Christina.
“No problem.”
They left and I took my gifts upstairs. Daddy followed after me.
“Before you go in our room, I have another surprise for you I couldn’t tell in front of everyone.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Close your eyes.”
I closed my eyes and Daddy put his hand over my eyes and he opened the door and turned on the light and uncovered my face and said “ta da happy birthday.”
I opened them and I saw my bed was gone and it had been replaced by an adult sized baby cot. It looked like a huge baby cot, not like a cage or nothing. It was light brown and it had rails and on the foot of the cot were just solid wood at each end no bars and on the bottom were drawers but the cot had my sheets in it and blanket and pillow and it still had a normal mattress in it. The rail only went down on one side and the mattress was right above the drawers but I could still peek over the railing and look in the cot.
“What happened to my bed?” I asked.
“We took it down and put it away out in the shed.”
“Who’s we?”
“Me and another person who made this and brought it here and we put it together. We did this today while everyone was gone and I stayed home, this was my work day.”
“What about yesterday?”
“I was working and today was my day off. I didn’t want to tell you what I was doing because I wanted it to be a surprise.”
“How did you find someone to make me this?” I asked feeling the wood.
“I had been planning this for the past month and you have been talking about wanting a cot so I found someone in the area who makes furniture and I asked him if he would make an adult sized baby cot and he said he would and he gave me a discount because it was a gift.”
“How much did it cost?”
“I’m not telling.”
“But what about Christina and her kids? What about my son and yours?” I asked.
“What about them?” Daddy asked.
“Aren’t you worried about what they will think or if it might affect them?”
“Why would I be worried? It’s just a bed with bars.”
I was surprised Daddy wasn’t concerned about our kids or my cousin’s.
“Aren’t you worried about them seeing it?” I asked.
“Why would I be?”
“Because it’s a cot,” I said.
“Do you not like it? We can always take it down and sell it. I am sure another adult baby couple would want it.”
“No I love it. I am just surprised you got me it is all because we have kids is why.”
“We’ll just keep our door closed and not allow anyone in here,” said Daddy.
“And what if they come in anyway and see it?”
“Then they do.”
“And you won’t be embarrassed?”
“Why would I be? It’s not my bed.”
“Because you have a wife who sleeps in it and that doesn’t embarrass you?”
“Nothing you do ever embarrasses me honey. You do lot of things I could be embarrassed about so I am not going to be embarrassed about your bed.”
I had always wanted an adult sized cot. When I first lied in one, it felt so relaxing and I felt so calm and mellow inside and different. It was a good comfortable feeling it gave me I had wanted one since but I was too embarrassed to get one and they were too expensive. Now I had one for real and Daddy supported it.
“I didn’t get you a changing table though because we don’t have the room,” said Daddy. “We would make you a nursery but we don’t have a spare room.”
“You won’t be bothered by me not literally sleeping with you?” I asked.
“No,” said Daddy. “I think it would look cute seeing you sleeping in it and it will turn me on but you are still welcome to crawl into bed with me. Do you want to lie in it and try it out?”
I got on Daddy’s bed and climbed in my cot and lied down. I could still stretch my body out and this cot was the size of my old bed, it was just made to fit a twin mattress. I could touch the other end with my feet and I could still climb out of it. I wasn’t trapped and when I sat up, the bars went up to my head.
“How does it feel? Do you like it?” Daddy asked.
“Yes,” I said.
I felt all excited and happy about having a cot finally.
“Let’s check your nappy honey,” said Daddy.
He put the rail down, it slid down like a baby’s cot and he stuck his fingers in my trousers and poked his fingers inside my nappy.
“You’re wet,” he said. “Let’s get you dressed.”
“I am dressed,” I said.
“No I mean get your pajamas on.”
Daddy got me out of the cot and took off my shirt and trousers and he changed my nappy again on his bed. He wiped my pussy and it felt so good. He rubbed around my pussy and inside it where the clit is and folded skin and the folded skin parts. I could tell he was just wiping me there for pleasure.
“Does this feel good?” he asked.
“Mmmm,” I said.
“My baby girl likes this, shall I keep doing it?”
“Yeah,” I said.
He kept wiping me around my pussy and then I started peeing so he grabbed a towel and put it there and let my pee absorb into it. Then he tossed it in the clothes hamper and replaced the changing matt with another changing matt.
“My baby girl had a little accident,” said Daddy.
He cleaned me up and unfolded my clean nappy. He lifted my legs and placed the nappy under me and opened the power and poured it all over in the nappy and on me. Then he taped it up and the nappy felt all nice and soft. He got my footed pajamas on and tossed my clothes in the dirty pile.
Then he held me in his arms. He rocked me and it felt so relaxing. I felt like a little girl in Daddy’s arms.
“Did you change out of your poopy nappy like I told you to?” Daddy asked.
“No, I mean yes,” I said.
“I wasn’t there to clean you up or to make sure you did. Hopefully your real Dad made sure.”
He kept holding me and he didn’t even do anything about me breaking his rule he had given me.
Then he said, “Okay let’s head back downstairs unless you want to enjoy your new bed and I will take care of Alex and the dishes and the stuff.”
“My computer is down there so I have to go down there anyway,” I said.
“I will bring everything up,” said Daddy.
I grabbed my 3DSXL and looked more at my new system.
Daddy came back up with the stuff and he dropped them in our room including my nappy bag. .
“Enjoy your new bed,” said Daddy and he closed the door.
I unpacked my stuff and put them away. I left Alex’s stuff in his bags. I stuck them in his room and went back to mine. I looked at my cot again. I had my very own I could relax in every night and enjoy the comfort. I liked the wood work someone did on the foot of the cot and the wood was soft and it had been polished. I opened the drawers at the bottom and my nappy supply was in there. I picked up my stuffed animal and tossed it in the cot. I put my new 3DS in there and brought my computer in there too. I sat in it and tuned on my computer. I put it on my lap and leaned against the foot of the cot. I read more about data transfer and watched a video about it on youtube. I wanted to be sure I do it right. It looked simple. I couldn’t stop looking at my new 3DS and sniffing it and looking at the menu. I decided to just play the game for a bit to check it out. I was sure my game file would be gone when I do the system transfer and I knew the game would still be there when I do it because I would have to go to the shop and to redownload it for free of charge. I read about it online about reinstalled games.
I played the game for a little bit and I got my ocarina back from skull kid and I went back in time and everything was back to where it was before, three more days until the moon falls. I was also no longer a Deku and I was back to being a human again but I got to keep the mask so I could transform to a Deku again. I turned the game off and went back to my computer.
Daddy tucked me in my cot that night and gave me a kiss and got his pajamas on and wet to bed and read. He said I could read too if I wanted to. I just relaxed and fell asleep.
I had been sleeping in that thing for a week. Daddy would still change me in my cot, he would put the rail down just to do it and then put it back up. He was strong enough to roll me aside just to put the changing pad down and put me back on top. It was waterproof and it absorbed for in case I have any accidents and it protects my bed and Daddy just uses an incontinent pad to catch my accidents so it won’t go all over. I pee down since I am a girl so the pee goes all the way to the back where my back is and my buttocks and it can get my shirt all wet too. Sometimes he uses my nappy if he had my butt off the bed and then he gets a clean nappy and he sets my butt back down if I start to pee so it won’t go all the way to my back. Then he removes the changing pad when he is done and he replaces it if I have an accident on it and got it wet. We also use bed pads. I asked him how he felt about me sleeping in there and never having me sleep with him and he said he was fine with it, he has noticed how much calmer I seem now and I seem happier so it looks to him he made the right choice for my present. I asked him how does he feel not having a wife anymore at night and he said I will always be his wife no matter what bed I sleep in. I asked him if he still saw me as his wife than baby and he said he always sees me as his wife and a cot doesn’t change it, I am free to leave it and sleep with him and he knows I didn’t want one to be humiliated and controlled so he got me one that looks like a cot a baby would sleep in and it won’t be a cage for me to be trapped in. He has even slept in it with me because he wanted to be close to me and real dads do crawl into it to sleep with their real babies, I have seen photos of it online and Daddy knew this too. Then he decided to have the rail down facing his side of the bed so I could crawl to him anytime I want than climbing out.
We also had been doing good keeping our door closed and even Landon didn’t go in there so he didn’t see the cot. Our bedroom was our private area and no one was allowed to be in there. People would have to knock if they are looking for us or want us. That was the rule in our home.
Daddy had kept his promise and took me out as a little girl two weeks after my birthday. He asked me what I wanted to do that day and he will take me there. ‘”Build a Bear Workshop,” I said.
I remembered I had my gift card so I wanted to go there and use it.
“Anything else you want to do?”
I figured Lego Land would still be closed so I decided on the zoo. That was childish enough. Hey I had made my own decision without any stress and needing Daddy to make them for me. I felt so happy.
I lied in my cot again going to sleep and I wondered how I would explain why I am sleeping in it if anyone ever sees it. But worrying is a waste of time of energy right so I didn’t think about it right now. I just went to sleep in my new bed.
End.
Thanks to my mother for taking me to Chedder and to Chedder Gorge and seeing the village there, thanks for taking me to see the Roman Baths and Stonehenge and going to Bristol which inspired me to write this.
English words:
Skip=dumpster
Motorway=freeway
Dustbin=trashcan
Service area=rest area
Nappy=diaper
Pants=underwear, under clothing you wear over your bottom
Trousers=pants
Boot=car trunk
Cot=crib
My thirtieth birthday was coming up. I was not really looking forward to it because I was getting old. I was about to leave my twenties. Last year my daddy took me out for the day in London and he took me to Build A Bear Workshop and to Hamleys and took me to see Frozen and he got me a couple video games from Hamleys but this year my real Dad wanted to take me on a weekend trip and we will be back Sunday night. He wanted me to bring my son too but I was a little nervous about it. It’s also because I don’t even know what we are going to do on our two day trip.
Valentine’s Day had just past and on Friday my son’s school did an American thing, they had all the kids hand out cards to each other. They don’t sell those Valentine cards here for kids to pass out in school so I know the schools here don’t do that in school like they do back in the states. The kids had made cards in school to hand to everyone in class and some even had candy and I had bought a bag for my son and had him bring to school to hand out.
Steven, my husband and daddy, took me out on Valentine’s and he took me to a nice restaurant. I also got a nameless gift from someone and it was a box of chocolates. Steven got me a new video game as a Valentine’s gift, no card because he knows I don’t care for those things. He told me he has gotten me stuff like flowers or a card and I showed no appreciation. When he got me flowers once another day a few years back, my response was “put them in a vase with water.” No excitement, no “thank you,” nothing. When he got me a card I opened it and read and put it down and showed no appreciation and no “thank you.” But he discovered if he gets me a candy bar or a sweet, my eyes light up and I get real happy and say “thank you” and act all excited about it like a child so that stuff he gets me. I don’t mean to be a jerk or be rude, I don’t seem to be aware of it because I don’t even remember doing these things. It happens and I do them and then I forget about it. Steven tells me it’s alright and he just accepts me and understands and he is used to it. He just has to get me the right gifts. Most women love getting flowers but he discovered he can’t do that with me so he has to get me something else I love and that is candy or sweets so he gets me that instead. My dad used to complain about never being able to get my mum flowers because she doesn’t like them and she can’t even show she appreciates what he got her even if she tries. But he never bothered to get her anything she does like, he could have gotten her something for her to draw with or paint but my mum told me years later that she prefers to not get anything and that is the best gift she can get and she doesn’t understand why people need to be given stuff by their spouses and partners to show that they love them. Are people really that insecure they need to be given flowers or presents or be taken out to be shown their partner still loves them?
But I sort of get it. People do it because it makes them happy, people like getting gifts from them and their partner wants them to be happy and excited. If someone doesn’t want any, don’t give them any. Get what their partner likes, it doesn’t have to be flowers and cards. But lot of people fail to grasp this and keep on doing it and then get upset if their aspie partner doesn’t show appreciation or can’t fake it well enough to show appreciation and some still get upset if their aspie partner asks them what do they want for their birthdays/Christmas/Valentine’s day. All those normies remind me of my sister Kelly. She treated our mum a similar way and no matter what she did was never good enough for my sister. But not all normies are that way. There are ones out there that understand.
One thing I don’t like about Valentine’s Day is suicide rates being higher because more people kill themselves around this holiday because they don’t have a sweetheart. I never felt that way when I was single. I did get a card from my Aunt Elizabeth and her husband Uncle Tom though and one from my mum and her wife Rosie. I also got a box of Sweethearts from them. Here they have their own version of that candy, they call theirs Love hearts and they don’t come in boxes, they come in wrappers and they are circles with a heart in the middle with a message in the center. Steven always gets me those because he loves me and he knows how much I love candy. Also on the internet is when I see posts on Wrongplanet by members whining about that day because they don’t have a girlfriend and I also see that on facebook too. I like to call it Valenwhine’s Day. But I can look on the bright side, more suicide rates, less population in the world but the bad news is babies are born all the time so the population goes back up pretty fast.
I was in my room packing for the next day. I always pack one day ahead of time so I am not rushing the next day what to bring and I am less likely to forget anything. I will have all day and night to figure out what I am forgetting and put it in the pile. I also had my son’s bag to pack too and his stuff. He has known for two weeks that he is going on a trip so he will be more mentally prepared and our trip should be easier. But the only thing he hasn’t been mentally prepared about is what we are going to be doing on the trip and where we are going. Dad just wants to be spontaneous and it always makes me anxious. I think I would be less anxious if Alex didn’t have autism, then I wouldn’t have to worry about how he is going to act on the trip because he didn’t know what to expect. It’s weird how some people can just jump in their cars and drive and then do things that they see on the road. Steven said it’s because some people just like the adventure and the thrill of not knowing what they are going to be doing. It’s like how some people love to go on roller coasters and feel their brains are about to leave their heads (not literally) or that extreme feeling they feel in their tummies and how the force feels on their body. I can’t stand it but some people love that feeling so they ride on them. That is how I look at it to understand how people can just be so spontaneous without planning anything. Then they have kids and do have to start planning their days and routines because that is the way it is in parenting. To me it wasn’t any different so it was barely a change. If I have to be spontaneous, I just let the other person decide what we are going to do and I will just go along with it. I find it easier than having to think and decide and it takes the stress off me.
I was going to take some trousers, shirts, my shampoo and razor, toothbrush, hair brush, stuffed animal, Kindle, Nintendo 3DS, computer, nappies, wipes, baby powder, socks, shoes, coat, pajamas. For my son I was going to bring his trousers, shirts, coat, socks, shoes, pull ups, toothbrush, comb, his toys, my old Nintendo DSi Steven got me a few years back as a gift and it was an XL. I had given it to Alex to use. I still have my DSiware games I downloaded on there. I never bothered transferring them to my 3DS because I wanted Alex to have some games he could play.
We would leave tonight but because I have to work, we are leaving first thing in the morning. I work an evening job as a janitor doing some cleaning and I got that job through a company that employs people with disabilities. I got sick of not working and not being able to find work and all these roadblocks they do so I did an easy way out. My last job was working in a coffee shop and then I got laid off due to downsizing and everyone else had higher priority than me. I only worked there for two months and I was on probation. They hired and then they had to downsize so I guess shit happened. Then I was unemployed for eight months.
I got finished packing and I did some laundry again. I had to take out the linen and hang it near the radiator in our room on the dry rack. I don’t let the clothes get all piled up or it will take way too long to get it all done. It takes hours to wash a load and dry them and it takes a day for clothes to dry depending on how wet they are and how warm it is. We have different dry racks so I use different radiators to dry our clothes. I use my son’s room, the living room, my cousin’s room, dining room, the hallway. I went overboard and bought a bunch of dry racks so I could have more room to dry clothes than having them all piled up on the same rack taking it longer for them to dry and I forget to turn them over and take the ones off that are dry. I had wasted some of Steven’s money but he was cool about it. I did it because we had invited my cousin Christina to come live with us and she brought her kids along. She and her husband got separated so we invited her here so we are pretty crowded and the homes here are small, never let the number of bedrooms deceive you or how many rooms it has including bathrooms. So more people means more laundry and more clothes to hang dry but you actually do a small load and not let it get all piled up but I think it is a good thing I bought more dry racks because it can take more than a day to dry your clothes so we have more room to hang them at so they are not all over the place like on chairs and furniture and the banisters.
It was about time to get my son from school and Christina’s kid, Alexis. I had to get changed first and then change into some clean clothes than the ones I wear at home every day to reduce laundry. I would hate to make myself look incompetent that I get social services on my door step and having a medical diagnoses doesn’t help. I changed my nappy and clothes and made sure my hair looked good and I grabbed my Nintendo 3DS, I might streetpass someone on the road, my nappy bag, my coat and car keys and headed out locking the door.
I picked up Alexis first and then Alex from his school. I had to go in the building to get him. I saw Mrs. Carutis in class. She is a new teacher here and we didn’t get off on a very good start. She doesn’t work with my son anymore and that is good enough for me even if the school refused to get rid of her. That is something for the other parents to deal with when she has their child to work with. I think she got afraid of me when I grabbed her face to show her how it feels because she wouldn’t quit doing it to my son who was making him lash out and she complained about him biting her. I ever wonder if she posts on the internet and if she does, I would wonder if she ever posts about her job on there and about the kids and what her user name would be. If she was saying bad stuff, I would print it all off or just email the link to the school to show them so she will get fired but I have no way of finding out.
I wondered why she was in my son’s class. “What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I work here,” she said.
I knew she was being snarky.
“I meant what are you doing in this room, you don’t work in here so why are you here,” I said dumbing it down.
“Ummmm visiting, I am allowed to visit my coworkers correct?” she said.
“Correct,” I said back. “I hope you haven’t been torturing more students in this class.”
“You two need to quit this, I know you both don’t like each other but we are adults here and must set a good example for these children so let’s along shall we?” said Mrs. Bruen.
“I don’t get along with autistic parents,” said Mrs. Carutis.
I just wanted to kick her but I didn’t. I didn’t want to get in any trouble and what if she called the police and had me charged for assault? I wasn’t a kid anymore so it’s not like I would get yelled at about it and then get punished at home. Rules change.
“That’s was very unprofessional,” said Mrs. Bruen. “You work with special kids and you insult their condition in front of them? They can actually understand a word you’re saying even if they can’t speak the language.”
“Do you assume every parent is autistic when you don’t get along with them?” I asked Mrs. Carutis.
“Natalie, I said stop, be an adult here,” said Mrs. Bruen.
“I just wanted to see if she labels everyone that whenever she doesn’t get along with someone,” I said.
“I guess I will leave,” said Mrs. Carutis.
“Thank you,” I said.
She left the classroom.
We don’t even fight much because I don’t see much of her.
Alex was in the corner playing with a puzzle and Alexis and Haley were playing with some toys.
Mrs. Bruen looked at me. “I don’t know why she is still here either. She can’t handle these kids well and doesn’t know how to work with them and won’t listen to a word parents say or us.”
“Maybe soon she will do something stupid and the school will finally fire her,” I said.
“Alex has been doing very well,” she said. “He has been making a lot of progress since he’s been here.”
I knew she meant ever since he started attending here.
“We have been teaching him some life skills and turn taking and working on his language,” Mrs. Bruen went on. “He is getting better with toileting and washing his hands.”
I just nodded. I saw other parents here too getting their kids and talking to teachers. It was just a small school with small number of students.
“Pretty soon he might be able to attend regular school with regular pupils,” said Mrs. Bruen.
“I don’t want him to get bullied,” I said.
“He would have a teacher’s assistant with him if he were to go to one.”
“Like an aide,” I said.
“Right.”
“Was Alex afraid when Mrs. Carutis was in here?” I asked.
“Not at all, he was busy playing in the corner waiting for you.”
I felt relieved.
I got Alex when the teacher was done talking and we left the school and I felt something in the back and I pooped in my nappy when I was out in the car lot. It didn’t feel like a big one. Then I felt a little more come out. I was shitting my pants while I walked with the kids. Alexis got in the car and Alex got in the back seat with her and I put the seatbelt on him but not the shoulder belt. I also strapped Haley in her car seat that was in the center of the backseats. I got in the car and I felt the mess spread. I was too preoccupied to even enjoy it and I could barely feel anything. The first thing Alexis said was, “Natalie, did you go poopy in your nappy?”
“Yes,” I said.
“It stinks, you need to change.”
I had spare nappies in the car but I didn’t want to do it in a public toilet.
“I will take care of it when I get home I don’t like changing in public,” I said.
I started the car and started backing out.
Alexis held her nose closed.
I just rolled down the windows.
“I will take care of it when I get home I don’t like changing in public,” said Alex. “Don’t stick your head out the window or the window goes up.”
When we got home, I got started on snacks. Today it was going to be apple slices with honey peanut butter. Alex likes the same food every day and apples are healthy so I give him that. I picked up an apple and I started to cut it.
“I will take care of it when I get home I don’t like changing in public,” Alex said again in the kitchen.
I remembered I was still in my poopy nappy.
I cut the core out first and then cut it into slices. Alex was in the kitchen with me waiting repeating that same line over and over. Then he suddenly slapped himself in the head. Then he got off the floor and left. I also got the peanut butter and the honey and mixed it and put it on the plate with the slices. I set it on the table. “Haley, Alexis, do you want a snack?” I asked.
I always ask them if they want to eat first so I won’t be wasting food.
“No,” said Alexis.
But Haley wanted food I gave her snack choices.
Alex came back downstairs and he had one of my nappies in his hand and wipes.
“He wants you to change too, you stink,” said Alexis.
“Stinky,” said Haley.
She picked toast so I cooked her some and put jam on it and gave it to her.
I then remembered again I was still in my poopy nappy. Alex was still trying to shove the nappy at me so I took it from him and the wipes and went upstairs with it and changed.
Christina came home before I had to go to work and I was getting ready to leave. I checked my Nintendo 3DS and I saw I had a green light. I looked at the notifications and saw what time I got a streepass and I saw the time and realized I had tagged someone on the road. I just closed it again and finished getting ready. I was still in the same nappy. My husband is a workaholic so I wasn’t expecting him to be home and he was going to be working all weekend so Haley and Alexis would be with their father. But when Steven is home, he plays with me. I am his little girl and he is my daddy and he always changes me and takes good care of me and sometimes he takes me out. When he is at work or on a trip, he will call me to check up on me. I don’t have a nanny or babysitter so I look after myself and my child. That is something we are flexible about, I am an adult so he doesn’t need to hire an adult baby sitter or adult nanny and they’re expensive and I don’t think any normal nanny or babysitter will want to look after a grown woman who is capable of taking care of herself and even want to play and daddy would not want to pay someone to play. I like my freedom anyway.
What I like about my work is I work alone and there is no one around so I don’t have to worry when I mess my nappies so I have worked in a shitty nappy and then there are the co-workers I have to face but none of them have ever said a word so I assume they have never smelled it or noticed. They have not said anything about the smell either. Then at night the tubes are pretty empty so I don’t have to worry about being messy. People can always move if they are bothered by the smell. I just don’t care anymore nor feel embarrassed. That is why Daddy always changes me and why he is in charge of my nappies but I am still allowed to change myself but I am not allowed to protest or say no when he decides I need a nappy change.
I left for work and the work was good and I made it through the evening without messing myself. I didn’t bring anything to eat because food didn’t cross my mind. I had not eaten all day and I had forgotten about it because my mind was too preoccupied. I was starving so I was looking forward to my meal at home. Daddy always makes my food or makes me a plate whenever he cooks or Christina. He always makes sure I eat. I think it’s good I forget to eat or else I will gain weight and this keeps me thin. There is nothing at work where I can buy my food and eat because everything is closed so everyone brings their food.
The ride home was fine, there were not many people on the tube like there are in the day. I just rested on the way home leaning my head against the window. It was loud and when I got to my station, I got off and headed up to the ground. I had to walk ten blocks home and this was great exercise.
I walked in the door of my house and took off my shoes and hung up my coat and set my nappy bag down in the living room. I went in the kitchen and opened the fridge and my dinner wasn’t there. Daddy had not made a thing and something built up inside of me. I was hungry, Daddy always leaves food in the fridge for me and he didn’t this night.
“Fucking god,” I said angrily. I slammed the fridge door closed.
I felt like throwing everything and screaming and slamming everything but I didn’t want to wake anyone up or upset anyone and set a bad example for the kids and I didn’t want to trash the house and break anything. I don’t like it when things get broken and when places and homes get ruined.
“I am fucking starving,” I said.
I looked to see what else there was to eat but I didn’t know what to eat so I slammed the fridge closed again and slammed the kitchen door shut when I walked out.
“I guess I will just go hungry,” I said.
I noticed I no longer felt hungry. I had lost my appetite.
I grabbed my nappy bag again and sat down and turned on the TV. This is what I always do when I come home from work. Eat my dinner, watch a little bit of TV, look in the internet browser on my WiiU pad or playing my Nintendo 3DS.
Luckily no one came downstairs after my little outburst.
My tummy rumbled off and on and I didn’t care. I was okay without food. If I didn’t have dinner in the fridge, I didn’t feel like eating anymore. I think watching TV and doing the internet calmed me down.
The next day Daddy woke up and started changing my nappy like he always does every morning. It was my last day of being in my twenties.
“Are you excited for your trip?” Daddy asked.
“Yes,” I said.
He started to clean me up. When he was done he put a new nappy under me.
My tummy growled again.
“You’re hungry,” he said.
“I’m starving,” I said. “You didn’t make me any dinner,” I said.
“You’re an adult. You can make your food and feed yourself, you shouldn’t depend on me. The reason why I make your food is because I love you, not obligated.”
“But I’m your little girl and you’re the daddy,” I said.
“And you’re an adult. If I don’t feel like cooking or making anything, I shouldn’t have to.”
“You’re a bad daddy,” I said.
“Natalia, I am not always going to be a daddy okay?” said Daddy. “There will come times when I will just expect you to be an adult.”
Daddy finished taping the nappy on me. It was a nice thick one that was plain white with a plastic landing. It looked like an oversized baby nappy.
“But I couldn’t decide what to have so I ended up not having anything,” I said.
“And that was your choice,” said Daddy.
“But you told me you do this so you make sure I eat, not starve myself.”
“You’re not going to die from hunger from one night. I am sorry if not having your dinner in the fridge upset you. This is why I shouldn’t do this too often or else you will be expecting it all the time and get upset when I don’t do it but I love you and I worry about you and I notice if I don’t make sure you eat, you will just go hungry and that worries me because I don’t want you to get sick.”
Then he pulled me in his arms and said “I was a bad daddy for not taking care of my baby girl. I’m very sorry.”
I felt loved again. Then he said “Okay, now I am back to husband mode. I like having a wife too and I don’t want to be taking care of you twenty four seven whenever I am home. I do want a wife too you know, not only when I am gone.”
I sometimes worry he will get sick of me and file for a divorce and leave me.
I clung to him tighter. I wouldn’t know what I would do if he left me. What would happen to my son and me? I wouldn’t have a nice life anymore, my son wouldn’t have his school and his help and I wouldn’t have a good income anymore and I would be poor again and struggling financially and relying on my dad again for help and how would I take care of my son with work? All that thinking about if we separated was stressful because of all the planning and what to do and the huge change.
“I love you too sweetie,” said Daddy rubbing me.
I kept holding him and then he said, “Okay you need to get ready.”
I still clung onto him.
Daddy rubbed my head and then he said “Okay, I am going to get you dressed.”
That made me happy. He was still taking care of me so I felt better and my worries lessoned about him leaving me. He picked out my outfit and he put it on me.
“Is my little girl excited for her big girl trip? She is going to be a big girl,” said Daddy.
“I’m scared Daddy,” I said.
“What are you scared of? Tell Daddy.”
“I’m scared you’re going to get tired of me and just abandon me.”
“I won’t abandon you and I will never get tired of you,” said Daddy.
“But sometimes I think you will, especially when you didn’t make my dinner like you always do and I’m scared you will quit being my Daddy for good and then get sick of me.”
Daddy just hugged me instead. “Are you scared of going on this trip and coming home and finding me not here?”
“Yes,” I said.
“I will be here,” he said.
“Last year you took me out and we had daddy and little girl time for my birthday and this year you didn’t want to do it.”
“That is because your dad planned to take you on a trip. We can always do our daddy and little girl time when we get back, how’s that? It will make up for our day.”
I liked that idea.
“Okay.”
“And will that tell you I won’t get tired of being your daddy and you?” Daddy asked.
“I guess,” I said.
I wasn’t really sure. People change their minds all the time and feelings also change. Daddy could mean what he is saying now and then change down the road. It wouldn’t mean he was lying, it would mean his feelings changed and his thoughts. People don’t always know what they want and they think they want something and then realize down the road it’s not something they want so they change their mind. I had lost my other daddy once. He was willing to try this whole baby and daddy thing but then after a month, his thoughts changed after trying it for a month and his feelings changed too so he broke up with me and I didn’t take it well. I insulted him and screamed at him and threw stuff at him. I felt he lied to me and I felt betrayed and how could he stop viewing me as the same girl as I always was and start seeing everything about me as a baby and associating everything I do with baby. He no longer viewed me as his girlfriend and an adult and it was very hurtful and insulting. Then I met Steven and I was scared he was going to do the same even though he always wanted to be a daddy and have a little girl but I was still scared he would get tired of me and seeing everything about me as a little girl and leave. It took me a while to get over that fear and sometimes it comes back when he forgets to do something like making my dinner. I get scared he is getting tired of me and won’t love me anymore.
“I won’t leave you okay. Only way to have me leave you is be a pedophile or abuse me or do child abuse.”
I was about so say “or molest a child” but I didn’t because that falls under child abuse so he has basically already said it. But I added “or do child pornography.”
I felt safe again. So Daddy would never leave me. But deep down I still had my doubts. What if his feelings change?
Dad and my six year old half-brother Robbie soon arrived. I had all my stuff in the hallway and Alex’s stuff. I already had breakfast and Alex was a little rambunctious this morning because of a change in his routine. He knew ahead of time about this trip and I kept reminding him about it so he wouldn’t forget. But I didn’t get him prepared for what we were going to do on the trip because I didn’t know either.
Christina helped me carry stuff out to the car and Dad put it in the boot. I didn’t have much stuff because it was only for today and tomorrow and I had three packs of my nappies in a bag and Alex’s pull ups. Dad had to reorganize the boot to fit everything in there and he put some stuff in the back in the middle. Alex was going to sit in the back and I was going to sit in the front.
Daddy got close to me and said in my ear, “When you do a doo doo in your nappy, make sure you change. I won’t be there to do it so you are on your own. I am sure your dad and your brother wouldn’t want to smell it or Alex so show them some courtesy.”
Daddy then gave me another hug and said “I love you little girl, be good for Grandpa and your uncle Robbie and your brother will be coming with so it’s not just you alone. I will still be here when you get back.”
I couldn’t handle being hugged anymore, he was taking too long to stop and I felt the urge to pull away. I pushed my hands against him to get away and Daddy let go.
“Bye honey, have fun,” he said.
I got in the car and we left.
“This is going to be like real family, you and your two kids” I said.
“And grandson,” said Dad.
We left the area and got on the motorway.
“So what are we doing?” I asked.
“What do you want to do?” Dad asked.
“I don’t know, what did you have in mind for me?” I said.
“I was thinking about driving west towards Wales.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Anything comes to mind, just holler,” said Dad.
This was probably going to be the worst trip. I just took out my mobile phone and plugged in my little ear pieces and went to music and did random and pressed play.
I rested on the way and Dad stayed on the motorway and he got towards Swindon. I was listening to “Time of my Life” from Dirty Dancing. We drove by the town and kept on going. I have never been to Swindon or ever seen the town. I couldn’t even see it from the road except a few buildings. I took out my Nintendo 3DS and played Mario Party Island Tour.
Alex just felt around the car and the windows. Robbie had been talking to Dad and asking “Are we there yet?” Then finally Dad said “How can we be there yet if we don’t know where we are going, you pick the destination and I will go there since your sister isn’t doing it.”
“Lego Land,” he said.
“That is way behind us and I am not driving all the way back for it,” said Dad. “That is all the way close to where we live. Besides I don’t think Natalie would want to go there.”
Actually I did but I was too embarrassed to say. I don’t think they were open this time of year anyway.
“Disneyland,” said Robbie.
“That’s all the way in Paris, we won’t make it back in time,” said Dad.
I was thinking it was all the way in California and then I remembered there was one in France but it was still too far and we wouldn’t be able to get much done there anyway. Lines would be too long and it would be hard with Alex. I wondered if they had special passes for people with disabilities. But I don’t see why my son would want to be there. It’s too crowded.
“The zoo,” said Robbie.
“We can do that back at home,” said Dad.
“I don’t know. I’m bored.”
“Take out a book and color or play a game,” said Dad.
I was still listening to music and not playing my game anymore.
“I have to pee,” said Robbie.
“Okay, we’ll stop, maybe Natalie needs to also.” Then I saw him wink at me.
I am normally not good at interpreting that expression but this time I knew he meant my nappy. It was the only thing I could think of why he could be winking. At least I didn’t have to struggle to figure it out or playing any guessing games which I find so exhausting and annoying so I prefer to just ask what that meant but I am also afraid to ask because they might think I am stupid or figure out I am “autistic” or somewhere on the spectrum because my son is but I don’t mind asking my family or my husband’s because they already know and Daddy’s ex-wife.
I did not need a new nappy. These could hold a lot but I was already wet and I hadn’t pooped yet.
Robbie doesn’t know I wear them and he has never said a word about it and I prefer to keep it that way but I won’t try and hide it. I just want to see how long it will take him to notice and even Dad knows about this too and he said he has never told him because he never found it important for him to know and he never asked. Robbie has seen me in them when he was a baby but I am sure he has long forgotten about it and I am not sure if anyone else in the family has told him or not or if he has ever seen them sticking out of my clothes. But on this trip he is most likely to find out and I will just tell him I have no bladder control and bowel control because that part of my system doesn’t work. I was in a car accident at his age and landed back in them because of a drunk driver. I will only tell him if he asks about it. So that is how I know what Dad’s winking meant.
Dad kept on driving and he stopped at a service area, their version of rest area. But their rest areas are better because they have eating places, shops, a hotel, petrol, they call gas here, and a food store. I wouldn’t find stops like this back in the states. It’s just a toilet facility and a picnic area and an area for people to take their dogs but here things are so different. I saw this place had a Travelodge, Burger King, a coffee place, Marks and Spencer Simply Food, WHSmith, and GREGGs and a BP. Dad parked his car and we all got out. I decided to take Alex to the toilet. More pee spilled in my nappy when I was moving around. It was a single person bathroom and I pulled his pants down and he sat on the toilet and I didn’t look at him go. I checked his pull up and he was still dry. I had extras in his bag and I brought one in with me. After he was done, I pulled them up and washed my hands and he washed his too. Then I pulled my trousers down and checked my nappy in the mirror. It was a little wet in the back. I started having anxiety about if I should change or not. I didn’t want to run out on the trip or waste any but I had only brought three packs. Eight times three equals twenty one. It was only today and tomorrow so that should last me and I like to bring extras along just in case. Alex paid no attention to what I was doing. He was just looking around and looking down at the ground squinting his eyes from the florescent light. I wondered what he was hearing and how he was perceiving everything around him. I imagined he could hear everything out in the store loud and clear and conversations clearly. Then he walked to the light switch and shut off the light. The room was now dark.
“Alex, mummy isn’t finished so please turn the light back on,” I said nicely.
He turned it on without even looking at me. I just looked at myself in the mirror at my nappy again.
Alex kept on turning off the light and I got tired of telling him to turn it back on so I told him to not touch the light switch until we leave the bathroom.
Knowing how many nappies I use a day and night, I knew I would be fine so I changed into a clean nappy taking everything off from the waist down. Then I got dressed again and put my shoes back on and I threw the nappy away and washed my hands. Then I opened the door and told Alex he could turn the light off now but he wouldn’t come out.
“Alex, we are done in here, we need to leave so other people can use it,” I said.
But he stayed and I figured maybe he was bothered by this place so I told him we can sit in the car but he protested. I couldn’t leave him here alone or he could wander off and I had worries that something could happen. I started to get overwhelmed. This is what I was worried about. I could try and force him out of there but then he might start fighting me to me off him and then I tackle him to the ground in self-defense and we put on a scene and someone might report me to authorities for child abuse because of assumptions. No one believes that a kid can hurt the parent first or attack them first, they always assume there was abuse so the kid fought in self-defense. I think it has to do with the kids being innocent part. To me that is bull because I was teased by kids as a child and bullied so they are not really innocent, especially if there are ones out there who are violent and abusive.
“Alex, mummy is getting stressed out, please come out and we’ll wait in the car,” I said.
I waited and took his arm and tried to pull him out but he pulled away. I reached in my nappy bag and pulled out my old Nintendo DS and waved it at him. His eyes lit up and he went after it but I told him, “You can play it in the car.”
He left and I had to take him out to the car but the car was locked.
“Sorry Alex I forgot Grandpa had locked it,” I said. “You can still play it and we can wait here.”
Luckily Alex wasn’t upset and he turned the system on and I took out my DS carry case and opened it and let him select a game. I took the other game out of the system and put it in the case with the other games and he put the game in and I made sure it was in all the way and he turned it on.
I was happy I solved the problem.
I waited for Dad and Robbie to come back from using the toilet. They were sure taking a long time. It was chilly out here and I was cold. It started to rain a little so I took Alex back in the building where all the eating places and stores were.
I looked for Dad and Robbie. WHSmith was the last place to look because I knew Alex would get distracted and he loves Legos ad toys and I don’t want him see that stuff or he would just want to stare at them and play with the boxes and other trinkets and it would be hard to get him away from them.
I called for Dad but heard no answer. I knew he didn’t leave without me so I decided we will just wait by the doors. Alex still played his game and I played mine. I would just keep an eye on him.
I didn’t even know I got preoccupied in the game when I noticed Alex missing.
Shit.
I put my game away and felt embarrassed and a bad parent. I stayed calm and looked around. I hoped he didn’t go outside. I looked in each store including Burger King. I found Dad and Robbie in WHSmith looking around.
“Dad,” I said.
“Where’s Alex?” Dad asked.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“You don’t know?”
“He took off,” I said.
“Natalie.”
“He was playing his game and I decided to too and he was gone,” I said defensively.
“Stay here with your brother, I will go look for him, he couldn’t have gone off too far.”
Dad left the store and I still stayed calm. The worst that can happen is him wandering onto the motorway or getting hit by a car if someone isn’t paying attention. What are the chances?
Robbie was looking at the puzzles and toys and model kits. I looked around myself.
“Okay, I found him,” said Dad when he came back and there was Alex with him.
“Where was he?”
“I found him by the toilet. Where’s Robbie?”
“By the toys,” I said.
“No he isn’t.”
“Well he is around here.”
“I told you to watch your brother,” said Dad.
“No you didn’t, you told me to stay with him.”
Dad gave me a look and I could tell it was not a good look.
“What do you think staying with your brother means?”
“Staying with him?” I asked.
“Why would I tell you to stay with him if you weren’t supposed to watch him?”
I then felt dumb
“You’re an adult and a parent so you should know you are to stay with a child, not leave them off by themselves. Jesus even your mum knew what staying with a kid meant.”
I felt even dumber.
“Sorry,” I said.
“Here’s Alex and I will look for your brother now. Don’t lose him.”
Dad went looking for him.
I was still a dumb blonde and I felt so stupid. How could I not know this? Stay with your brother. Yeah I stay with him and I follow whenever he goes or keep him with me, duh, that is staying with him. How could I have been so dumb to not figure this out? If Mum um knew, then so should I.
“I found him, he was by the shirts,” said Dad.
He was smiling again. I guess he got over it so fast when he found him.
“Okay let’s go,” said Dad. “Anyone hungry, there’s food here.”
“I’m hungry,” said Robbie.
“Let’s eat, it’s lunch time anyway.”
I was able to leave the store with Alex and we went into M&S Food Supply. I saw some sweets and realized I was hungry. We picked out our food and I showed Alex around. I wasn’t going to assume he wouldn’t want anything just because he eats the same food every day. I always had the same food whenever we ate out and I would sometimes change my menu if I thought a food looked yummy and then I would stick with that food only. Then I got to my teens and realized I was missing out on all the new foods and I should try them all for the experience. So Alex could find something he wants to try.
I picked out some snacks I wanted to try. Alex didn’t pick anything here but that was okay. I had his apple slices and peanut butter and honey. If it weren’t for Daddy, I would have forgotten it and then we would have had to stop at a grocery store to get some apples and a sharp knife and peanut butter and honey. At least I would be saving money and it keeps me from stressing over what food to feed him.
Dad paid for our stuff, he paid for my food and sweets which surprised me and we went back to the car.
“Well that went well,” said Dad.
I wasn’t sure if that was sarcasm or if he was serious.
“Was that sarcasm?” I asked.
“What do you think?”
“Well we had a little incident in there , my son being gone and then Robbie and my son didn’t have a meltdown and he did pretty good in there so I am not sure,” I said.
“I was serious,” said Dad.
I decided I shouldn’t even bother asking him about body language or his tone or else he wouldn’t even give me a direct answer so I didn’t see the point. I will just live with it. At least Daddy will tell me without asking me what I think. I wondered if this was how he treated Mum when they were together. I had never seen him ask her “What do you think?”
We were on the motorway again heading west. We ate our food and I gave Alex few of his apple slices with peanut butter and honey. Robbie talked on the way and he and Dad played the game of finding letters in each alphabet on cars or signs. I just looked out the windows enjoying the scenery. I wouldn’t find any dry land here like I would back in the states.
Soon Dad said, “We are getting close to Bristol.”
Then he said a few seconds later, “Natalie, what do you want to do, we are getting close to Bristol.”
“I don’t know what there is to do here and you’re expecting me to pick?” I said.
“Okay, there is the Stonehenge, the roman baths, the Cheddar Gorge and they have caves there and the gorge is very beautiful.”
“I want to see a cave,” Robbie yelled.
“I don’t care, we can do those things,” I said.
“Are you sure? Okay. If there is still anything that comes to your mind, let me know,” said Dad and he made a turn onto M32 when we got to the junction.
“What if it was a mall I saw and I wanted to go there?” I asked.
“I don’t care, it’s your birthday.”
I was just testing him. I wanted to see how much he meant it, did he really mean I could do anything or did he have his limits and I was being too literal.
“What if it was the zoo?”
“It’s up to you.”
“What if I decided to go to Lego Land?”
“It’s all the way back in Windsor but if you want to go there, it would have to be tomorrow and I don’t know if they will be open this time of year.”
“Disneyland?”
“We won’t have enough time for that.”
So it had to be anything close by we would have time for.
Dad kept on driving south.
“When do we get to Bristol?” Robbie asked.
“We are in Bristol,” said Dad.
“I can’t see it?”
“This is Bristol, there are just not any buildings near this road.”
“I guess they keep them away from this road because of the noise,” I said.
“Oh there is city center,” Dad pointed to the sign.
I did see buildings finally and houses but mostly houses.
“There they are,” I said.
I saw buildings too now and Dad kept on driving.
“Oh IKEA,” I said looking at the building.
“You want to go there?” Dad asked.
“No,” I said.
“I’m just messing with you.”
We kept on going through the city and Dad said, “How do the caves sound?”
“Fine with me,” I said.
“Yeah,” Robbie shouted.
“Okay, we will head there. I hope they are open, if not, we can all enjoy the nice gorge.”
“Dad, what would you do if Steven decided to leave me so we got a divorce?” I asked.
“Where is that coming from? Are you two separating?”
“No, I said. “I just get that fear sometimes.”
“Are you having any marital problems?”
I am happy in my marriage and Daddy is happy and we don’t fight and he just gave me comfort this morning and being my daddy so I answered “no.”
“So what are you so worried about?”
“I just want to be prepared for if it does ever happen,” I said. “So what would you do if it happened?”
“I don’t know Natalie,” said Dad. “We will worry about it if it happens.”
“But I need to know what if he does, where would I go, what would be the steps I do and how would I survive alone with my son.”
“Natalie, I think you are worrying about nothing. Your marriage isn’t even in trouble. So don’t worry about it. It’s a waste of time of energy.”
“But I need to be prepared for in case it does happen and if his feelings change so I won’t be so stressed out when it happens and I would know if I would need to fly back home to my country or live with you and get help from you or be in some low income housing and I would know all the steps.”
“Natalie, you are getting ahead of yourself. You are thinking about something that hasn’t even happened yet or isn’t being considered, if everyone worried about their spouses leaving them, there would never be a happy marriage. Some people are worriers, my mum’s sister was a worrier and so were some of her family members and it didn’t get them anywhere. You can’t be too prepared. “
“But if people never worried about it, then divorces would be more common because no one would change anything in their marriage or-“
“That’s different,” said Dad. “If you and your husband are having problems, you do marriage counseling, you try and seek help first if your problems are causing any issues, you try and work things out and if none of those work, then you start to think about separating and getting a divorce and then you can worry about all those other things but right now you are not in that position so you are wasting your time thinking about it.”
Here I was being shot down for trying to figure out a solution to my problem so I won’t be so worried anymore. I figured I wasn’t supposed to prepare and plan ahead and if it does happen, then I am supposed to panic and be under a lot of stress like most people when they go through a divorce and have lot of anxiety and be so stressed out and regress. Then people would be saying how I should have thought of this before and plan what I was going to do if this happens. I can’t win.
“Besides if you are worried about him leaving you, think about your reasons why you have that fear and work on it,” Dad continued.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well why are you worried about it, what made you bring it up?”
I couldn’t tell him about this morning.
“My husband forgot to make my dinner last night,” I said.
Dad laughed. “That’s it? This is over no dinner being made? Natalie.”
“He always leaves food for me in the fridge before I come home from work and this time he didn’t so I got upset and didn’t eat.”
“Was he working?”
“Yes but he was home when I was at work.”
“Maybe he was tired and didn’t feel like doing any cooking.”
“But he always cooks even when he did work that day.”
“Sometimes work is more stressful on a day so he probably didn’t have the energy to make you anything and he expected you to help yourself. Did you talk to him about it?”
“Yes,” I said.
“What did he say?”
“He said I was an adult and I can’t be dependent on him.”
“He’s right. Your mum always helped herself to food and she was the one who always cooked and left food for me in the fridge.”
“And you would get upset if she didn’t make you anything,” I said.
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did, “hey where is my food, did you cook anything for dinner” Oh we are having leftovers again” “I hate leftovers.””
“Okay okay enough, I get it,” said Dad. “I’m going to drop this.”
I knew he meant the topic and he was done talking about it. I didn’t dare to say anything more about it. Why is it that people always want to shut down topics when I am right or call them out on their hypocrisy?
Then Dad asked me to pull out the atlas and look at it and tell him what road to take. I turned to the page to where it showed the Bristol area and I knew what motorway we were on.
“We are going to the Mendip Hills so do you see it on there?” Dad asked.
I looked.
“It’s south of here, it should say on the atlas.”
I looked.
“Do you see it?”
“I’m looking I said.”
“Are we there yet?” Robbie asked.
“No Robbie,” said Dad.
Robbie then rolled down the window and Alex said “Don’t stick your head out the window or the window goes up.”
“Robbie, keep the window closed,” said Dad.
“I’m bored.”
“We will be there, it won’t be long.”
“Find the town Cheddar on the map,” said Dad.
I looked in the back of the atlas at the names and looked for Cheddar and it told me what page I was on and what number and letter to look at to find it.
“Okay, found it,” I said.
“Now tell me how to get there?”
“Uh I would need to figure out the route,” I said.
“What is the nearest motorway there?”
“M5,” I said.
Dad then got off the road and pulled over somewhere and he took the atlas from me and looked at it.
“Are we here now?” Robbie asked.
“Does this even look like the gorge to you?” I asked.
I sometimes forget how kids ask stupid questions. The memories came flooding back in my mind when Mum would tell us “Does it look like we are?” “What do you think?” “Asking isn’t going to get us there any quicker?” and Dad would say “Is the car still moving?” and if we said yes, he would say “Then we are not there yet.” They would also ask us if we see any buildings yet.
Dad then handed the atlas back to me and said “I know where to go.”
He got back on the road and we soon left the area.
“Are we there yet?” Robbie asked.
I sighed.
“Robbie you are going to owe me a penny every time you ask me that,” Dad warned.
“A penny? That’s hardly anything,” I said.
“For a little kid that is.”
“Is that his allowance or what?”
“He collects coins he finds.”
Oh I get it, he would hate to lose money, it’s like a video game where you don’t want to lose points so you try and avoid penalties.
We drove in the country side again on the narrow road and I enjoyed seeing old English buildings and we even drove through a town.
My body decided to excel its contents into my nappy. I felt it come out and it spread in my nappy and I didn’t say anything. I knew the rule Daddy gave me about if I go poopy in my nappy, change. I decided to wait until Dad says anything about it. I was hoping no one would notice.
“Who farted?” Robbie asked.
“Not me,” said Dad.
“Natalie go change,” said Alex.
“Natalie is that you?” Dad asked.
“No,” I said.
“I am going to find a place to stop.”
“Why does Natali need to change?” Robbie asked.
“She has something to take care of in the bathroom, all women do,” said Dad. “But you wouldn’t know because you don’t have a mum around to see.”
“See what?”
“They get their periods,” I said. “So they bleed out of their vagina and they have to wear a pad in their knickers or some disposable pants or a tampon and they go in there and change it,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because their egg doesn’t get fertilized from the sperm so the body releases the egg and gets rid of it and the blood and then it starts all over again.”
“What starts over?”
“The uterus. It starts to make the blood again getting ready to make a baby and when the next egg comes to the uterus and it’s not fertilized, it gets rid of that egg again and the blood and it makes it all over again to get ready for the fertilized egg to make a baby.”
“How does a baby get made in there?”
“Uh,” I tried to figure out how to tell him but Dad stepped in. “You’re too young to understand this. This is a topic for grown-ups.”
“Why?” Robbie asked.
“Because it is, it’s complicated and you wouldn’t understand.”
“My mum explained all this to Brian when he was little and he still got it,” I said.
“And what happened?” Dad asked me. “Don’t answer, just remember what happened.”
Of course I wouldn’t remember it because I wasn’t even born but I remembered the story. Brian had been taught by Mum where babies came from and she used the terms uterus and vagina and penis and sperm and she told him how it was done and he went to school telling that to his kindergarten class and parents were not happy about their kids learning some new words and what penises were actually used for and why girls didn’t have one. At least he didn’t say “boys got a penis and girls got a vagina.” Mum had also basically taught him about sex while explaining how the sperm gets there so Brian shared that in class too and he got in trouble for that talk because it was “inappropriate” and “sexual.”
“Kids start to learn this stuff when they are preteens,” I said. “So it’s not a grown up topic and some parents teach it to their kids younger.”
“Okay, this is a topic for older children and Robbie is not a preteen yet so he is too young and this is a preteen and up topic, how’s that?” Dad asked.
“Better,” I said.
“And I am not ready for your brother to know these things yet.”
“How come you let us know it young?” I asked.
“I was working so I had no way of stopping your mother. I wasn’t going to hire a nanny to police her.”
“How come?”
“Because she is a grown woman and she wouldn’t have liked that and she could be left alone and take care of you kids and the house.”
I think when Dad said nanny, he meant it as a joke because you only hire nannies for kids. For an adult it would be called a carer, caregiver in the US. Dad did feel he had five kids instead of four because he felt Mum was like a child because he had to take care of her so he would say he had five kids to mean his wife.
“She was a smart woman but she was very naïve and gullible and she wasn’t able to do things on her own unless told and she didn’t know how to control her spending but her empathy was low and so was her social intelligence. She was book smart but not street smart. She used to just take you kids to the library if you had a question so she could look up the answer and tell you or look it up at home and she knew how to cook, she was a good artist, she loved to read and learn new words, she followed the rules well and followed every rule on the road except I didn’t like how she handled tailgaters. That was about the only rule she broke and she used to dump my beer or hide it whenever she felt I was drinking too much. Brian helped out a lot too. He was a good son and a good brother.”
Soon we were in another town. I saw a bunch of houses again.
“Natalie go change,” Alex kept saying a few times.
“What’s that?” Robbie asked all of a sudden.
Dad looked and said “Uh oh.”
“What?” I asked.
“He got into your bag, sorry,” said Dad looking at me.
I looked and Alex had taken my nappy out of my nappy bag.
Dad was laughing and said to me, “He is already taking care of you so he has learned some care.”
I wasn’t embarrassed. I knew there was a high chance of Robbie finding out on this trip.
“Why does Natalie have a nappy?” Robbie asked.
“Why do you have a nappy Natalie?” Dad asked me.
He was wanting me to tell him instead of him.
“Because I need to wear them,” I said.
“Why? I thought only babies wear them and Grandma and Alex?” said Robbie.
“Now you know I do too. It’s because I was in a car accident when I was your age so my bowels and bladder stopped working due to nerve damage so now I have no control over them so I wear nappies because I have accidents.”
“Oh.”
Robbie didn’t say anything else.
I took my nappy from Alex and got my diaper bag and held it in my lap.
Dad found a place to stop at for me to get changed.
I got out of the car with my bag and Robbie asked Dad, “Is Natalie going to get her nappy changed now?”
“Yes, that’s why we stopped,” he replied.
We all went inside and I headed to the toilet. I was hoping for a single one because it makes it a lot easier. All I found were multiple toilets so I went in a stall and locked it and started to get undressed. Then I opened my nappy bag and took out my wipes. I took off my nappy and sat on the toilet. This is the only time I get the chance to use it like everyone else. The mess in my nappy wasn’t very big but some of it still stuck to my butt and I used the toilet paper to get it off and let it fall in the toilet. Then I grabbed some wipes and started to clean myself. It took me a bunch of wipes to do it despite the mess not being bad. I got most of it off with toilet paper. Then I wiped my fingers and unfolded the nappy and poured a little power in it and stood up and put it under me. I taped it up and put my trousers back on and flushed the toilet and put my socks and shoes on. I had to wipe the mud and dirt off my bare feet before putting on the socks. Then I wrapped the nappy up and stuck it in the nappy bag and I walked out of the stall. I noticed a small trash can and I took the nappy out and dumped it in there.
“Are you going to throw that in there?” an older woman asked.
She had dark hair that looked black and I wasn’t sure how old she looked, I would guess forties or fifties.
“Huh?” I asked.
“Did you just throw a nappy in that dustbin?”
“Yes,” I said.
“It’s taking up too much space.”
“I am not carrying that dirty thing around,” I said washing my hands.
“No one needs to see it and it’s taking up the whole bin.”
“Well if they would have dustbins for soiled nappies, I wouldn’t have to throw it in there. At least I didn’t toss it behind the toilet again this time.”
The woman started to grumble about how disgusting people are with nappies so I said “Why don’t you complain to the British government about their discrimination against people with incontinence and have them install some damn rubbish bins in every toilet or make a special room for them to change in so they won’t keep finding dirty nappies under toilets and in tiny rubbish bins.”
I finished washing my hands and left. I couldn’t believe I used the word discrimination. That is a word people like to throw around.
I looked for Alex and decided I better take him to the toilet. I looked for Dad. I found him and Alex was touching a souvenir. “Let’s try and get you to the toilet again,” I told him.
“I already took him,” said Dad.
“Was he dry?”
“Yes and he went.”
“In the toilet?”
“Yes.”
“Okay I’m ready to go.”
Dad got Robbie and we left.
Dad took us to the Cheddar Gorge. We drove through it. I saw all the rocks in the hills and the trees and cliffs. It all looked like we were in a mountain. I saw some people walking and hiking and I saw some spots for people to pull over and park to enjoy the gorge and walk around.
“Where are the caves?’ Robbie asked.
“They’re back there but right now we are looking at this beautiful gorge,” said Dad.
The gorge wasn’t very long because it had ended so we turned around.
We drove back into the gorge and I didn’t see any caves. Then we were back in the village. I did see the entrance to the cave.
“There’s the entrance,” I said.
Dad then turned into the lot where cars parked and parked. I had to go in the boot and dig into some stuff to get to my nappies since I had ran out in my nappy bag. I opened one of the packs and took out a nappy. I figured I would only need one. Was I going to poop again so soon? This nappy could hold a lot of fluid but I had to be prepared and we could always go back for another nappy. I didn’t care about the possibility of someone noticing. I also grabbed some things for Alex and shut the boot and handed the keys to Dad.
We walked to the cave and Dad asked where to get tickets and the man told him where to buy them. We walked to the little cottage and went inside and Dad bought us all tickets, two adults and two kids. We didn’t want the audio tour, we just wanted to look. Then we walked back to the cave. Dad handed them back to the guy and we went inside.
We saw all the sculptures water had made over the years and it still had water in here. There was also singing and lights.
“Too bad I didn’t bring the camera, it’s so beautiful,” said Dad.
There was also water dripping in the cave. The whole cave echoed from water and people talking and voices singing.
“Is this all real?” Robbie asked.
“Yes, it’s all real,” said Dad.
Alex kept on touching the rock and I was tempting to feel it too. But the sign said to not touch so I told Alex he is not supposed to be touching the rocks but he can look. He then started touching the fence which was fine by me. He also put his hands in the water and splashed. Robbie copied him too. I felt the water and it was cold. I wiped it on myself. Alex soon started to act up so I offered him his special head phones. I put them on him and he acted a little better.
Soon we were done looking and we left the cave. We didn’t do the Crystal Quest.
I wanted to look around in the village to see what was there. Robbie wanted to look in another cave but Dad said only if I wanted to do it.
“I want to look around the village,” I said.
“Okay, we will head back to the car then,” said Dad.
“No, the village in this gorge,” I said.
“I know, I don’t want to walk all that way so we will park closer.”
We went back to the car and got in.
Dad started the car and we left the car park and drove deeper into the village. The buildings looked like cottages and from the olden times and they were all on the side of the road looked tucked into the mountains. Dad found a place to park again and we all got out and started to walk. I saw what shops and eating places they had. I looked in some stores. I was anxious so I was impatient with everyone because I wanted to look around before daylight ran out and I only had today and tomorrow. But once we started walking, I calmed down. I saw they had another museum but I wasn’t interested. I saw another cave entrance but I wanted to look around first. Then Robbie complained about being hungry again.
“Okay, I will get you something to eat,” said Dad.
“Can’t he wait?” I said.
“Natalie, he is hungry so he needs to eat.”
“He can eat later, he won’t starve to death.”
“Natalie.”
“It’s my birthday and I won’t have him ruin it,” I yelled.
“You just look round yourself and I will take both these kids okay so you go on and have fun.”
I was happy and I left leaving behind Alex. I felt calmer again. I walked around and I came to the same car lot Dad parked in and I looked at the building and saw what was in it. I looked in the shops and left. I went further into the village and saw what was around. I looked in a discount store and then left and looked at other buildings and I found a store that sold games and DVDs and toys. I think I spent my time longer in this store than I did in the others. Then I went next store and saw some sweets be made.
I wondered what my dad and my brother and son were up to. I figured they were all looking around and taking their time without ruining my time while I am off on my own being in control of my own situation. I didn’t want to wander off too far because I wasn’t sure how far I should walk and I didn’t want to be further away from the car and then dad not being able to find me. I still had a spare nappy with me just in case. But I realized I still had some of Alex’s pull ups with me and his few other things. I hoped Alex was okay and Dad was handling him well. He couldn’t even handle my mother but maybe that was because he had to deal with her on a daily bases and he doesn’t have to deal with Alex on a daily bases so he has more energy and more patience and won’t get tired of him.
I got done watching the sweets get made and I looked in the shop and then left. I wasn’t sure what time it was so I looked at my clock on my 3DS. I had a few streetpasses. I opened it and went to Notifications to see how many I got. I got several so I went to Mii Plaza and did Puzzle Swap and Streetpass Quest II. I was nearly done with Puzzle Swap. I still had one panel left.
After I was done, I headed back to the village and looked for Dad and my son and brother. I walked down the pavement hoping to see them. I took out my mobile phone and saw my Dad had called and I had missed it. I dialed his number back and he picked up and “Hello?”
“Dad, where are you?” I asked.
“We’re at The George Bear, a shop. It’s in the same lot where we parked when we saw the cave. Where are you?”
I looked around to describe where I was at. “I passed the cave and I see the water next to me that is like a pond.”
“Okay, head to the car and we will meet you there,” said Dad.
“Okay, bye.”
I hung up and headed to his car. I got there and waited and I looked at my 3DS again. I was down to three bars. I looked at all the games I had from the eshop including games my brother helped designed. He is a game designer and creates graphics for them and characters. He started making them in his teens and it started out with him ripping graphics from other games and adding his own stuff in them and making it a game of his own and he once made once based on me and called it Incontinent Natalie and I go around killing bad guys who are the mean kids from my school and if my nappy got full, I would take it off and toss it on the ground killing a bunch of enemies around me. I just had to collect foods or drinks to fill up my nappy to toss again. I remember he used a background from Bart Simpson and the Space Mutants and pretended downtown Springfield was Saltwater, Washington. That game used to be private owned by us and we were the only ones who had that game he made and then he posted it on Newgrounds for everyone to play. It was one of his first works he ever did and he did it as a hobby. I remember it got shared on AB/DL forums because it involved nappies. Now he comes up with his original ideas with the others.
Dad soon arrived back and he unlocked the car everyone got in. Then Robbie started shouting.
“Hey stop.”
Dad and I looked and Alex was trying to pull on Robbie and Robbie was trying to push him off.
“Alex, let go of your Uncle,” said Dad.
“Alex’s seat,” Alex shouted.
“Robbie, just get in on the other side,” I said.
“Does it matter?” Dad asked.
“Yes it matters unless you want to deal with this,” I said.
“Alex honey, just sit in Robbie’s seat, it’s time to switch places.”
“What’s the big deal about not sitting in the same spot?” I asked..
“Can’t he be flexible?”
“I am not going to have my trip ruined by this or I will fix this myself,” I shouted.
Dad got out of the car and I thought he was going to make Robbie move to his seat but instead he broke up the fight and pulled Alex away. I got out and yanked Robbie out of the car.
“Hey,” he said and he started to try and push me away.
“Natalie!” Dad yelled.
“I said I would fix this myself,” I yelled.
Robbie kept trying to pull away so I dug my fingernails into his skin to get him to cooperate. I figured a little bit of pain will do.
“Owwww,” Robbie yelled.
Dad let go and I kept pulling on Robbie and pulling him out of the car.
Dad grabbed me and he was stronger than me.
“I am not going to let him ruin my birthday trip,” I shouted.
“He will get over it even if it takes longer,” said Dad.
I didn’t see what the big deal was sitting in the same seats. It was an easy fix.
I decided to handle this how Mum would.
“Fine, ruin my birthday, let your son be a brat and upset my kid,” I yelled storming back to my seat and slamming the door.
I just hung my head down and cried.
Everything was now ruined, I was not having fun anyway, it was going to be hell because Robbie took my son’s seat.
Dad and Alex were outside and he was banging on the car door Robbie sat. Dad just stood there.
Frustration and stress built up inside of me and I turned and looked at my brother with an anger look on my face to show him how angry I was at him for being so selfish spoiling my trip. If I had on a stinky nappy, I would have stayed in it to punish them. Maybe I will get lucky and poop again.
I couldn’t stand to be here with my brother because the more I was here, the more pressure built inside of me and I felt like doing something crazy to him so I stormed out of the car and took off.
“Natalie, where are you going?” Dad called.
“Having my own fun,” I yelled. “I’ll just walk and explore the rest of the town myself while you do this.”
“You have enough for changes?” Dad asked.
He was going to let me go and have my own fun while he does this. Maybe he will pick me up when this all ends, we do have our mobile phones. I went to the boot and Dad opened it for me and I grabbed a few more nappies and stuffed them in my bag and walked off.
I headed towards town out of the gorge.
Not too long later, a car pulled beside me and Dad rolled down his window and told me “Get in.”
I noticed Robbie was back in his normal seat again and Alex had his seat back. I guess Dad had changed his mind.
I got on the other side and got in.
“You’re on the wrong side,” I said.
“There are no cars coming,” said Dad.
He got back on their right side of the road, the left side.
I felt a little calmer but I still felt upset. It would be a while before I feel normal again.
“Well you got your way, I hope you’re happy,” said Dad.
I wasn’t sure if he meant it or if he was being sarcastic, I didn’t want to play any guessing games or even ask. I just didn’t care. I was too upset and didn’t have the mental energy to think.
“You know Natalie, you wig out and act this way when things don’t go your way and you’re an adult and setting a bad example for these kids especially Alex. Then you take off.”
“You said I could,” I said.
Dad just slammed his hand on the steering wheel. “It may be your birthday but you don’t have the right to do child abuse and you really tore his skin open when you pinched him and start screaming at all of us acting childish instead of acting like an adult here. When is this going to stop?” Dad raised his voice.
I didn’t answer. I think it was a rhetorical question and I didn’t know the answer anyway so it didn’t matter.
“How is Alex ever going to learn social skills and how to control his own emotions if he keeps seeing his mum flip out every time things don’t go her way, he is going to think this is all normal and acceptable behavior. Is this what you do at home?”
“No,” I said.
“So why do it here? You’re better than that and I know you can do better.”
Of course I don’t do this at home, Daddy doesn’t get me this upset or let things upset me. He takes care of it all and keeps me calm. He will send me to my computer and take care of it.
“Just like your mother,” Dad sighed.
I just wanted to scream at all his accusations. Blaming Alex on me like he did with my mother about my behavior and Matthew’s and calling me all immature and using my age against me and letting his son take my son’s seat and stressing me out. I was so mad at my brother for causing all of this. I wondered if he felt bad or enjoyed all this. The thought of him doing this on purpose made me feel angrier inside. I hoped I was just being paranoid but kids are not always innocent. As a child I think kids would do things to me to get me into trouble. They would touch me just to see me react or start pretending they don’t hear me or play dumb just so I can repeat myself and then start touching me to get me in trouble or bully me until I am provoked so I will be in trouble and trying to convince me a rule had changed just so I will break it and get into trouble. And kids are so innocent. Not.
This was the worst trip ever.
We stopped at the Cheddar Cheese store. I just wanted to stay in the car and have some time to myself.
Dad and Robbie went inside and Dad brought Alex in too. I looked out the window and at other cars and at the buildings and the ground. I let myself cry. No one was here so I could just let it out before they get back. Crying in front of people just makes them think you are having a tantrum and it’s embarrassing anyway to see they have hurt you and they are not going to care.
Soon they came back and I wiped my eyes and kept my head away. I couldn’t let them see I was crying.
“Natalie, they have all this cheese they make here,” Dad started telling me.
He sounded happy and it was as if he had forgotten what had happened between us.
“This is where Cheddar cheese is made and they have a factory here and you can watch them make it, oh you should have seen it. Did you see how they made it?” Dad asked.
“Yeah,” said Robbie.
“Alex liked it too and we saw how they stirred it and shoveled it making it all hard.”
“They poured salt in it,” Robbie added.
I did not care how cheese was made and how the cheese got its name. I guess they named it after this town. I did notice a lot of shops here sold Cheddar cheese and I thought it was because this town was named Cheddar.
“Too bad you didn’t see it,” said Dad.
“I don’t care,” I said.
“I know what your problem is, you’re hungry, that’s why you’re this way. You haven’t eaten and we have been walking around.”
“I’m not hungry,” I said.
“Yes you are, you’re cranky and when you’re hungry, you get real snarly and irritable. One you eat something, you will realize you were hungry. I should have realized it before. I think it’s time to eat kids, they have lot of eating places around here. Natalie you are free to stay and we will bring you back some food.”
Now Dad was blaming all this on my “hunger.”
Robbie also seemed to have forgotten what had happened and so had Alex and here I was still recharging after the episode.
Dad, Robbie, and Alex all left again. I stayed behind. I put the seat back and rested.
Then later I heard them come back but I noticed Dad had bags with him.
“What’s in those?” I asked.
“Food, Alex wasn’t doing well so we asked for takeout,” said Dad. “I got you something.”
Dad got the kids in the car and he took the bags off his car he had on top and got in. He opened one of the bags and said “Here is your food, wrong one.” He opened another bag and said “This is your food.”
Dad started the car.
“Eat your food,” Dad told me.
“Maybe later,” I said.
I didn’t want to eat.
“Okay, just eat half of your sand which and then that is it,” said Dad. “You need to eat something so I am only asking for a half a sand which.”
Only a half? That shouldn’t make me gain weight . I looked inside the bag and took out a carton and opened it.
“Alex needs to eat something too and he wouldn’t eat anything,” said Dad.
“He won’t eat a lot of food he isn’t familiar with,” I said. “That is why I brought my own, Alex food.”
I took out my sand which and it had swiss and cheddar and lettuce, tomato and some sauce and it was cut into two pieces. I took a bite and it was good so I ate a half but instead I ate the whole thing.
“Boy you were hungry,” said Dad.
I opened another carton and it was soup and it had a spoon in the bag so I started eating that. Robbie was eating his food too but Dad wasn’t. He was just driving.
“Well everything is closed now,” said Dad.
“No it’s not, restaurants are still open and bars,” I said.
“No I mean the stores, I think it’s time we check in and we will continue the journey tomorrow. Let’s find a place to stay.”
“Can we check out this town and see what is here?” I asked.
Dad drove around looking. Most of them were just houses. Then we saw the downtown area where all the stores were including a grocery store. They also had a pharmacy here. I hoped they carried adult nappies. After Dad drove around, he found an inn. He parked the car and got out and went inside. He then came out a few minutes later and got in and started the car shaking his head.
“Aren’t we staying here?” I asked.
“Jerks,” he said.
“What happened?” Robbie and I asked.
“They wouldn’t give us a room.”
“Are they full?” I asked.
“I told them Alex is autistic and they wouldn’t give me a room, they said he would be too disruptive and would wreck the room and stuff. I won’t do business with them, he isn’t an animal.”
“Actually he is, we’re all animals, human animals we are,” I said.
Dad gave me a look, a look that said something like “You know what I mean.”
“I meant like dogs,” he said.
Dad found another place to stay at and it was another inn. Dad parked the car and got out and went inside.
He came back out smiling. “We got a room,” he said.
He got in the car again and parked again and we all got out and went in the boot. We took our stuff out and I held Alex’s hand as I carried our stuff to our room. Dad carried the cooler with Alex’s food. “I requested a mini fridge,” Dad told me.
When we got in our room, I dumped the stuff on one of the beds. I saw they had a bunk bed and two twin beds. The room was pretty tiny and so was the bathroom. It was so small it was all in one room behind the door; it had a toilet, sink, shower, all in one. They also had a flat screen TV on the wall. Then there was a knock at the door and a person calling “room service.” Dad answered it and there was a man carrying the mini fridge. It was square sized. He set it down and Dad took out a tip and dropped it in his hand. The guy left and I opened the cooler and put in Alex’s food. Dad started to make some tea that was sitting on the dresser. Instead of coffee they have tea in every hotel room.
“Robbie, you will get the top bunk,” Dad told him.
“Yeah,” he jumped and shouted. He climbed up and jumped on the mattress.
“No jumping,” said Dad.
He took out his food and started eating it.
My nappy was wet and I could feel it in the back. It was feeling a little uncomfortable. I took out the 3DS charger and plugged in my 3DS and I did I same for my old DS. I prepared Alex his snack for the night and set it on the tiny table.
“Alex, here is your food,” I told him. “It’s right here on the table.”
It wasn’t apple slices and peanut butter and honey this time. It was mac and cheese in a cup I cooked with hot water I used with the machine that makes tea. I also had a spoon for him. He loves mac and cheese like I do and it’s also one of the only things he will eat.
I decided I was going to shower since I needed a change. I grabbed my pajamas and a clean nappy and shampoo and my razor blade.
“Dad, I am going to take a shower,” I said.
“Okay, I will watch your son.”
I went in the tiny bathroom and set my nappy and pajamas on the toilet. I put the shampoo and razor blade in the shower. I started taking off my stuff and I opened the door a little and just tossed my stuff out there. Then I took off my nappy and dumped it in the tiny dust bin. It was so small my nappy took up a lot of space.
I turned the water on and waited for it to warm up and got in. I shaved first and then washed my hair.
I got out when I was done and I opened the door a little and asked for a towel. Dad handed it to me and I took it and dried off and wrapped it around my head. I grabbed my nappy and unfolded it and put it on. I put my pajamas on and stepped out. Alex was eating his dinner. Dad had the TV on and he had on some movie. Robbie was playing with some of his toys. I just plugged in my mobile phone for it to charge. I also remembered to brush my teeth when I saw Dad doing it. I took out my computer after I was done and turned it on. They had free wi-fi here so I connected to it. I made myself some tea and sat down at the tiny table. I was going to take my medicine I take for anxiety when I remembered I left it at home. Oh well I wasn’t going to die without it or go so crazy without it or get sick. It just helps me cope better with stress and handle things better and have less executive dysfunction issues.
When we were all going to bed, Dad arranged for Alex to sleep on the bottom bunk and he and I would sleep on the single beds. I just played my Nintendo 3DS instead of reading. We made sure the door was locked and I didn’t want Alex to leave our room. I would hate to wake up and see him not here. Alex wouldn’t stay in bed that night because he kept wandering around. New room, different bed, he was having troubles adjusting here and sleeping. I was up most of the night with him. Then I decided to sleep by the door so I had wrapped myself in my sheets and blanket and lied on the floor by the door so Alex wouldn’t unlock the door to get out. I would wake up if he tries to escape. This was a hard night for me too and I also had to adjust not sleeping in a bed. This was a bad night. I was amazed how Dad and Robbie slept through it. Then I woke up with Dad nudging me and he said he would sleep there and I go to bed. I went to bed with my sheets and blanket and slept with my stuffed animal. I saw Alex was finally sleeping. I think I slept better in bed.
I woke up in a smelly diaper. I smelled poo and I knew it was me. I had pooped in my sleep. Everyone else was still sleeping so I got on my computer and checked the message boards. I felt pee escaping into my nappy again. At least it can’t escape that. The front got all warm from the pee and I felt a little turned on. I just rubbed myself down there. Everyone was sleeping so I could have a little fun with myself. I stuck my hands inside my pajamas and rubbed the outside of my nappy. I could also smell the pee from it too. I was reminded what I had done. The nappy was uncomfortable but I didn’t feel like changing yet. I didn’t want to deal with this mess but I knew I would have to soon. Daddy wasn’t here to do it but even if he was, I would still have to change myself anyway because Alex would be here but if his son were here, he would have sent them out of the room so he could clean me up but I bet right now he would have wanted me to do it myself because he wouldn’t want to wake them up or risk changing me and them waking up and seeing it.
I also turned on the TV and the TV blared so I had to pick up the remote and turned it down. They had basic cable and I found some American shows. Then Robbie woke up. He climbed down and headed into the loo. Then he came out after the toilet was flushed and he asked “Did you poop in your nappy?”
“Yes,” I said.
“You smell like poo.”
I didn’t say anything. I wouldn’t change unless he complains about it and how much it bothers him. Robbie just played with his toys again.
“Ew when are you going to change?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
I remembered Daddy’s rule. “When you do a doo doo in your nappy, make sure you change.”
Alex soon got up and I checked his pull up and it was wet. I had to change him and I tried having him go in the toilet. Then after I was done, I got him dressed.
“Natalie go change,” said Alex.
“Yeah change Natalie, you stink,” said Robbie.
I went to the window and opened it and said, “Now it won’t stink in here.”
“It’s cold,” Robbie complained.
“Put your coat on,” I said.
I stayed on the computer and Alex went into my nappy bag and pulled out one of my nappies and grabbed the wipes and put them on my lap.
“Go change now Natalie,” said Alex.
“I will.”
“You stink Natalie go change,” said Robbie.
Dad then stretched in his bed and woke up. “What’s going on here? Hey it’s cold in here.”
“Natalie opened the window,” said Robbie.
“Please close it, it’s chilly,” said Dad.
I got up and closed it.
“Natalie also won’t change her stinky nappy,” said Robbie.
“Natalie, go change it right now,” Dad ordered.
I picked up my nappy and wipes and went in the water closet.
I took off my pajamas and I had to toss them out of the water closet because it was too small in here. I started undoing my nappy and then I used the toilet paper to wipe lot of it off and I hopped in the shower and sprayed my bottom. It was one of those shower handles you take off to spray with. I washed my whole bottom and then I opened the door a crack and asked for a towel. Dad handed me one and I dried off and put the clean nappy on. Then I left the water closet in my shirt and nappy. I picked up my pajama bottoms and went to my other bag where my clothes were and nappies.
Dad went in the water closet and peed and he took the dust bin out of there with my overflowing nappies. “Natalie, please don’t throw your nappies in here, they stink.”
“I have nowhere else to put them,” I said.
“Here, use these bags here and put your nappies in these and take it out.” Dad gave me the bags he had our takeout food in. I shoved my nappies in them and they were so tiny I could barely fit my nappies in there. There was no way I was going to carry these out there. Dad was already in the shower and I could hear him bathing.
I just left my used nappies in the dustbin
“Your nappies smell,” said Robbie.
Alex had his hand over his nose. Robbie copied him. “Ewwww,” he said.
I ignored it. I knew he wasn’t saying it to be hurtful. It was a ewwww.
Soon Dad finished showering and he came out wrapped in a towel and he told me to not look because he had to get dressed. I turned my back and dad got dressed and told me I could look now. Dad had on different clothes and he combed his hair.
“Natalie, please put something on over.”
“Why?”
“Because we don’t need to see your special knickers, you don’t see me walking around in my boxers so we shouldn’t see yours either. It’s not proper.”
I got dressed. I put on a different pair of trousers and I took off my top and put something else on. My crotch grew warm again and I actually felt secured.
“When do we check out?” I asked.
“I don’t know, check out time is at eleven but I would like to try and be out of here before then.”
Dad was packing up his things.
“Kids, you better get packing, I mean you too Natalie oh, happy birthday.”
I remembered I was thirty. I was now out of my twenties and now in my thirties. At least I still looked the same as yesterday but I still felt old. I was thirty. I no longer felt young.
I started to pack up my stuff. I took everything off their chargers and put them away and the chargers too. I logged off my computer and put it away too. I packed away Alex’s things too and got his teeth brushed. I also put on his socks and shoes.
“Natalie, didn’t I tell you to take out your nappies?” Dad scolded.
“They wouldn’t fit and there is no way I am carrying those out there exposing them,” I said.
Dad sighed. “I will see what I can do. Stay here with the kids and I mean don’t let them leave this room and make sure they don’t get into any mischief. You’re in charge.”
Dad put his shoes on and left the room. Robbie and Alex both watched TV sitting on the bed I slept on. Then Dad came back with a plastic bag. He told me to put my nappies in there and take them out and throw them away. I picked up my used nappies and put them in the bag and got my coat and shoes on and left. I looked for a dustbin. I found one on the main level and tossed it in there and went back to the room.
We all had free breakfast on the main floor. They had cereal and fruit and yogurt and bagels and cream cheese, toast. They didn’t have the right cereal Alex had so he refused to eat anything. He would have to wait until I was done eating before I could give him his cereal I brought along. I just had a bagel and cream cheese and Dad had his cooked and he put butter on it. Robbie had Cheerios. I also had some milk. There were a few other people eating in the room and Alex moved around in his seat and wandered around the room touching the wall and things. Just as long as he wasn’t touching the food or anything people use to eat with, it was fine.
“Natalie, you better try and get him to sit down,” Dad told me.
“Why?” I ask.
“Because people are eating.”
“So.”
Dad didn’t say anything else. Dad just got out of his chair and got Alex and pulled him to the table and gave him a napkin to play with and straw.
“This is the dining room, you don’t let your kids wander around,” Dad told me.
I really didn’t see the big deal about wandering around. Just as long as he wasn’t running and screaming and pushing people or running or walking into them or touching anyone or grabbing food off anyone’s plate or making any noise, what was the problem? Maybe Dad thought people would be bothered by him walking around like people used to be whenever I walked around and would tell me to sit. How hard is it to not watch someone walk around?
Soon, we were back in our room again and I played my game for a little bit and soon we started to check out. We picked up our stuff. I double checked the room to make sure nothing of mine or Alex’s was left and we left the room. Dad handed the key back. I couldn’t believe they were still using keys at this inn when other places use cards. I remember that being used in some hotels when I was a kid and then all places used cards by the time I was in middle school. I think really old hotels or private owned would still use keys. I think it’s chain hotels that use cards now.
We were out in the car park when Dad asked me “Where did you throw your nappies away at?”
“In the rubbish,” I said.
“Where?”
“Inside.”
“Where inside?”
“On the main floor in the hallway,” I said.
“Natalie, I meant outside.”
“You mean out here, not in there?” I asked.
“Yes.”
Dad sighed and shook his head.
“Sorry,” I said.
“I should have been clearer. I know I told you to take them out but I didn’t tell you where but when you take out your dirty nappies, you throw them away outside. You ask the people who work there where they keep their skip because you have something to throw away that is smelly and will stink up the rubbish or where they keep their outside rubbish bins and if they said they will take care of it for you, just give the bag to them. Remember when we would always throw yours away outside?”
“I thought you guys did it so they wouldn’t stink up the room or the bathroom,” I said.
“That too. It’s just courtesy so the room attendants wouldn’t have to deal with it.”
“But they deal with baby nappies,” I pointed out.
“That is different, those are not adult nappies, they smell more and take up more room.”
“Is this another hidden rule in society?” I asked.
“No, I call this courtesy.”
“What is the difference between a hidden rule and courtesy?”
“Well it’s not really a rule, it’s courtesy so they won’t have to deal with the offensive odor.”
“So it’s just your rule you made up,” I said.
“Mmm yeah, I guess you can say I made it up. I just think it’s courtesy for all the room attendants so they wouldn’t have to deal with smelly adult nappies.”
“But someone outside who empties the garbage does,” I said.
“True.”
We left Cheddar and were out on the narrow road again. We drove through the gorge again and I saw another entrance to another cave.
“Oh, there is another cave,” I pointed.
“I wanna go in there,” said Robbie.
“What do you want to do Natalie? Anything you have in mind?” Dad asked.
“I want to go to Bath,” I said.
“Bath? Okay,” said Dad.
We headed out of the gorge and Dad asked me to look at the road atlas again to tell him how to get to Bath.
“Just stay on B3135 until you get to A39 and then you will turn left,” I said.
“Is that the fastest way?”
“Why don’t you look for yourself?” I said.
Dad found a spot to pull over and he looked at the atlas and decided.
“Is there anything in Bath you want to do?” Dad asked.
“They have this one place about the Roman Baths,” I said. “I also want to see Stonehenge.”
“Stonehenge, okay.”
We went to Bath and Dad decided to get some more petrol so he stopped at one of the stations.
“Anyone need to use the loo?” Dad asked.
I decided I better take Alex. I got him out of the car and brought him inside. I looked for the toilet and took him inside. I pulled down his trousers and his pull up and had him sit on the toilet. I checked his pull up to see if it was dry. It was wet so I tore it off and took out a fresh one. Sometimes I think he wets himself on purpose because he will make it fine to the toilet and then other times he just wets. We had been trying to train him since he was eight and I have been told it can take a while. I took out a clean pull up and took off his shoes and trousers and slipped the pull up on him and put his trousers back on. I had him stand up and I pulled them up and put his shoes back on. He didn’t need to go but I had him wash his hands anyway because it’s part of the routine.
We went back out to the car and got in and waited.
“Can I get some candy Dad,” Robbie asked when he was finished filling the car.
“Go on in,” said Dad.
Robbie got out and Alex copied him. Dad went in with them. I just took out my Nintendo 3DS again and put in Super Smash Bros. I played the streetpass game and did classic mode. I was already playing at 3.0 difficulty and I always use my Mii character to fight and I love fighting other Miis. The games uses the Miis I have in my Mii Maker I got off the internet and some I have created myself for Tomodachi Life. I created Alex and Landon, Daddy, Christina and her kids and I have them all on Tomodachi Life and I have fought them in Super Smash Brothers. I even created the infamous Chris Chan.
Then Dad and the kids came back and Dad got in and tossed a bag of Starburst at me.
“I know you like candy so I got you some,” said Dad.
I picked it up and looked at it and stuck it in the pouch of the door. I would have it later.
Robbie was already eating his candy and Alex was chewing on a candy bar.
Dad had nothing and we left the station.
Dad looked for the Roman Baths. When he found it, he had to find a place to park. I saw he had town map with him and I looked at it and it showed all the attractions and some places like shops and where to eat.
“Where did you get this map?” I asked.
“I got it when I got the car filled,” said Dad.
The map also showed parking.
“Let me see it again,” Dad snatched it from me and looked at the map. “Let me know when the light turns, turn green I mean,” said Dad.
I watched the light. I had a feeling Dad was dumbing down his speech as if I wouldn’t know what he meant by “when the light turns.” Why would I let him know the light is red and yellow? When the light turns when we are stopped, it goes from red to red yellow and then green. Ever since the misunderstanding at the service area, he has been more specific, too specific.
Then it turned green. “Green,” I said.
Dad put the map down and started moving.
When we got to parking, Dad found an empty spot and parked the car. He had to pay some money. We started walking. We walked about six blocks and then Dad said, “This must be it.”
It looked like a regular old building to me. I was expecting it to look more like a ruin. We looked for the entrance.
I found the information place and we went in there.
“Is this where we buy tickets?” Dad asked.
“For?”
“For the Roman Baths,” said Dad.
“No you will buy them right over there,” she pointed, “which is the entrance for The Roman Baths.”
“Do you know how long it takes to see all of it?” Dad asked.
“It averages about an hour and a half.”
“Is it enjoyable for the kids?”
“Lots of visitors have brought their kids and they all enjoy it but pushchairs need to be left at the entrance and children under fourteen have to be accompanied by an adult and kids under five are free.”
“None of us have a pushchair so we’re good,” said Dad.
“Thy also have free audio tours and they have one for kids too and they are available in eight different languages, English, Russian, German, Italian, French, Spanish, Japanese, and Mandarin.”
“We only need English,” said Dad.
“You pick those up at the front entrance when you start the tour,” the worker informed.
Dad thanked her and we left and went to the building where we buy tickets. We waited in line and I held onto Alex’s hand. I just looked at the floor and walls and the ceiling and other stuff they had in here.
Then our turn came and Dad said, “I would like to buy tickets for two adults and two kids.”
“For the Roman Baths?”
“Yes,” said Dad.
There was a pause and then the worker said “forty pounds.”
Dad took out his card and handed it to her and then she processed it and handed him our tickets. “You saved six pounds on a family ticket.”
“Thank you,” said Dad.
“Enjoy the tour.”
“Where do we get the audios?”
The woman pointed and Dad thanked her again.
We walked away and handed them to another person and he handed us our audios.
I stuck it on Alex and put my own on. Dad helped put Robbie’s on. He already had his on.
I was hoping Alex would stay calm during all this and not ruin it for me. I held onto his hand so he wouldn’t get separated. We started to walk around and we listened to the tour. We saw displays and sculptures of the Romans and their town. So this place wasn’t a ruin after all like it looked in the photos I have seen. I also saw the pool I had seen in books. Parts of the inside of the building looked ruined. Alex liked feeling the rock. They also had other pools too. We also saw the old sauna and heated room. I noticed I was separated from Dad and Robbie but I didn’t care. I knew they wouldn’t leave me and I figured they would be waiting for us somewhere. My nappy was also wet. I could feel it in the back. I also pooped while looking at another indoor pool. It seeped out of me as I walked. It didn’t feel like a big one and I wasn’t going to stop my tour just to find a toilet to change or to see if they had a family area or a changing room.
“Natalie go change,” said Alex loudly.
“I will later after this,” I said.
He just kept his finger over his nose and held it shut.
I couldn’t even smell my own mess, I wondered if others could smell it or just him. But everyone around me acted like there was no smell so I ignored it.
Alex spent his time staring at the rock and touching and feeling and he kept looking at the spring and we looked at the object from there. I was bored but I waited. I was just waiting for Dad and my brother. I am not sure how long we were here for when Dad and Robbie finally showed up.
“Natalie, there you are, we have been looking all over for you, Robbie and I are going to leave and look in some shops around here and I have my phone, do you have yours?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Can you please check?”
I looked in my nappy bag and my phone was still there.
“It’s there,” I said.
“Okay, call me to find me. Will you be okay with Alex?”
“So far he hasn’t ruined my time,” I said.
Dad left with Robbie and Alex and I finished looking round. We were in the Great Bath now. It looked like a big swimming pool. Then we went back up to the main level and returned the audios and we walked around the temple court yard. Then we went inside a restaurant which was called The Pump Room. Alex saw the fountain he ran to it. I followed after him and it had a bunch of challises around it. I saw the man standing there filling one of them up with the water that was pouring out of the fountain and giving it to a couple. Then he filled up another challis and gave it to the guy.
“You can drink this?” I asked.
“Sure can,” he said. “It’s spa water and it contains 43 minerals. You can have a drink of it for two pounds.”
I had a little bit of cash with me Daddy gave me for allowance so I handed him a twenty and he gave me back eighteen and he picked up a challis and filled it and handed it to me. I took a sip and it tasted different.
“You want a sip?” I showed Alex but he turned his head.
I drank the rest.
The guy told me where to put the cup and I set it down there and left.
I took out my phone and called Dad.
“Hello?”
“Dad where are you?” I asked.
“Oh we are just right across the street walking around, are you done?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Okay we will be on our way back now so meet me at the entrance.”
“Okay, bye,” I said.
“Bye,” said Dad.
I hung up and put my mobile away.
I was feeling anxious and Alex was starting to act up. I did have dry snacks in my nappy bag.
“Change,” Alex started saying.
I remembered I was still in my nappy. I had to change it. I took out my museum map and looked to see where the toilets were and if they had family rooms or a changing room instead of that museum room. All they had were men and women toilets so I had no choice but to take Alex into the toilet with me and Alex is a big kid so people think he is older and don’t know about his disability because he looks normal. I wasn’t sure how people were going to react to that but I was prepared to say he is autistic. I headed to the toilets holding Alex’s hand. I told him where I was going so he would know where I was taking him. We went back where we got out tickets and where the entrance is and I took him into the women toilets.
“Ma’am this is the women’s room,” I heard a lady say. “Ma’am?”
I looked and the woman was looking at me and she didn’t look that much older.
“I know,” was all I said.
“But him,” she pointed.
“He has autism,” I say. “Have a problem with him being in here, complain to management about their lack of family facility or request a facility for special needs and their carers.”
I took Alex into the biggest stall and locked the door. I started to take off my stuff. I just gave him my game to play with to distract him. I took out my wipes and a clean nappy and took off my messy one and I sat on the toilet and started to wipe. I am not sure how many wipes I used but it was a lot maybe ten of them and I stuck them all in the nappy and wrapped it up and they did have a dustbin thanks to a changing station they had in here so I stuck the nappy by the toilet and unfolded the clean one and stood up and started putting it on. Then I threw my used nappy away in the rubbish and got dressed again. I flushed the toilet and put my shoes on and put my stuff away. Then I checked Alex’s pull up and it was wet. “Alex, you’re supposed to hold it and use the toilet,” I said.
I wondered if he had become a DL from his own diapers and me or being surrounded by them. Having a mum in them, grandma, great grandma, some kids in his school, so of course this was all normal to wear them. Some days he will get better at using the toilet and then he regresses. I ripped the pull up off and tossed it in the trash and I took out a clean pull up and I took off his shoes and trousers and put the pull up on him and slid it up and over. I pulled his trousers back up and put his shoes on and tied them and we left the stall. We washed our hands and we left the toilets and waited for Dad. People were looking at us as we left the toilets because of Alex. Seesh maybe I should out a sign on him saying “I have autism.” That might take care of everything. Or maybe get snarky about it and put instead “I’m not autistic, I am just some pervy kid who likes to stalk women toilets and listen to them go” but some people might be too dense to see the sarcasm and take it literal. One time my son staged a meltdown just to get us in the women toilets so I could change because women were arguing with me about bringing him in there and giving me a hard time so my son started to act up and scream and cover his ears and banging his head and people backed off. Then he was over it and acted like nothing had happened once we got in the stall. That is how I know he is smart and he is aware what goes on around him and he isn’t trapped in his own world, he knows what is going on around him even if people may think he is learning disabled (that is what they call mental retardation here) and think he can’t understand a word we say or not know what goes on around him. But I still don’t understand how can he be smart but yet still need help with self-help skills and toileting unless he is a diaper lover.
I looked for Dad and I found him. He waved to me and he asked me if I was hungry. I was starving. From all that waiting I had to do on my son and being patient and not letting myself get anxious, I was starving from using all that energy.
“How did Alex do?” Dad asked.
“He just wanted to keep looking at all the rock and displays and touching everything,” I said.
Dad laughed. “Well at least he enjoyed it. I bet he was fascinated by all these Romans.”
“I still want to see Stonehenge,” I said.
“It might be too late but we can still drive by it,” said Dad. “Let’s hope we can still see it and it won’t be too dark.”
We started walking and I noticed Alex was flinching and starting to stim so I took out his noise canceling headphones and put them on him. I also wonder why he just can’t try reaching into my nappy bag himself to try and get them out if he is so smart but autism is a complicated condition to understand.
“Let’s get something fast to eat,” said Dad.
“Good,” I said. “No sit down places.”
I didn’t want to waste my time waiting for food to be cooked so I preferred a fast food place or some place that sold quick food.
“They have Marks and Spencer on the way back to our car,” said Dad.
We headed back to our car and we stopped inside Marks & Spencer. The café was on the ground and second floor. We picked out our food and drinks and all Alex wanted was an apple and he wanted peanut butter with it. Luckily they had a tube of it and honey so I got those. I got a few of those. I felt I was wasting money but Dad didn’t mind paying for it. I cut it up at the table and put peanut butter and honey in a bowl and mixed it ad gave it to Alex.
“Is this all he eats?” Dad asked. “You need to try getting him to eat more foods.”
“How?” I asked. “I won’t have him starve to death.”
“I’m not saying to starve him, I said you need to try and get him to eat other things besides this. It’s a wonder he is so constipated and has to take supplement pills and take fiber.”
“You can try then and then tell me what you did so I can do it too,” I said.
I could tell Dad was about to say something else but then decided not to. I wonder why people do these things.
“What were you going to say?” I asked.
“Never mind,” said Dad. “You ate the same foods as a kid, Matthew ate the same foods when he was a kid,” he started saying. “Mum preferred the same foods and wouldn’t eat anything if it wasn’t the right calorie size or the right brand. All four of you were stubborn as heck.”
“That was only in restaurants,” I said. “I ate anything at home and Mum and Matthew were never this stubborn.”
“It was still too much and you only wanted certain kinds on food and you would get upset if I didn’t get the right ice cream. You always wanted mint or the other kind with different colors.”
“Those were my favorite,” I said. “I wasn’t interested in the other kind.”
“But it was still hard.”
“How?” I asked. “All you had had to do was buy two different flavors and problem solved.”
My dad was so silly. He makes things so complicated than they really are it’s a wonder why Mum got tired of him and decided to get a divorce.
“You and your logical thinking,” said Dad.
I took it as a compliment.
We finished eating and I packed up Alex’s food and we left the store and continued back to Dad’s car.
We headed straight to Stonehenge. Dad knew where it was because he had been there when we was a boy. He told me it was nothing like I saw in National Lampoons European Vacation when Clark Griswold accidentally knocked down the whole entire thing by accidentally backing into the first rock. You just walk up and look around but you aren’t allowed to climb on them or even touch them anymore.
I had lived here for five years and I still hadn’t been out this way. I never go beyond London. Gas is so expensive and it’s harder to get around and it’s more common to travel by train and walk. I was used to driving everywhere. Plus I have Alex so I am too nervous to go somewhere new with him.
Dad told us stories about his brothers and him climbing on the rocks and jumping off them when they were all kids, back when you could still climb on them.
We took A36, B390, and A360 to get there and we came to a bunch of roundabouts on the way. They are rare in the US but seemed more common here. Dad said it helped with traffic. I found them annoying, they didn’t tell you which direction to go and it was easy to get turned around but Dad seemed to know what he was doing. He told me a funny story about these tourist he met from America and they drove all around England and every time they would get to a roundabout, they would keep driving around it until the other person figured out what direction to take and they had to go by town names. I thought it was funny so I laughed. Driving around it, that was clever because it was hard to pull over and look at the map.
“Maybe they should install all these instead and replace all the traffic lights in my old country,” I said. “Then that would help with the rush hour.”
“But then everyone would be driving around them until they figure out what direction to turn and it would be even worse,” said Dad.
“No there would be signs with road names on them and saying what direction you’re going,” I said. “I wonder how everyone here knows where they are going without any of those signs telling them the street names or what direction they are going,” I said.
“That is why we say Americans are stupid and simple,” said Dad. “But I have ran into some people who have told me how much life is easier in America and how much cheaper it is, petrol, food, taxes, more open space.”
“And free country,” I added.
“And owning a gun just like that,” said Dad.
“And suing people when it’s your own fault but I still love it here eve if things are harder, narrower roads, having to dry my linen and how it takes me all day to do a load and how small rooms are and having to buy food more often due to limited space in the kitchen and fridge and freezer or having to have a license for a TV set,” I said.
We drove through the village of Shrewton and came to our last roundabout and then Dad said “There’s the visitor center.”
All I saw was the car lot and a bunch of trees. Dad pulled into the car lot and parked and we got out and headed to the center. It looked like a bunch of trees to me without the branches. It was one ugly building. We went inside and we walked around and I saw they had an adult changing room. I peeked in there and I felt so happy and it made me wish all places had it. They even had a table for adults to get their nappies changed. Daddy could change me in there.
Then Dad called me and I went over to him. “They’re not selling tickets anymore, they stop selling them two hours before closing and we got here too late and you now have to book them in advance,” he said.
I wasn’t upset, we could just drive by it.
“We can just drive by it,” I said.
“There is always another time and you can take a trip here yourself on your day off.”
“Sorry guys,” said the person behind the information booth.
“It’s fine,” I said.
“I’m sorry Natalie,” said Dad. “I hope you are not upset.”
“I’m not,” I said. “At least I don’t have to be out in this cold weather. Let’s go by it.”
“It’s way out there, I don’t think you will be able to see it from the road,” said Dad. “They have changed this whole place around.”
“What did it used to be like?” I asked.
“It used to be you parked closer and you would just walk up to it and look around and climb on it until they closed it off and now they do shuttles to get there.”
We looked around the center instead. They had exhibits here showing the English history about this area ad they also had exhibits about soldiers and World War I. They also had a shop here. I even wandered outside and looked at all the huts showing how people lived 4,500 years ago. I also got to go inside them. I was separated from Alex, Dad, and Robbie. I didn’t care. No one was here to bore me and I was in control of the situation which was fine by me because it was easier on me. I had been on my own wandering at museums since I was about ten or eleven depending on the place and then I could remember my parents calling my name and I would have to find the direction their voices were coming from.
I went back inside when I was done and Dad and Robbie were just about to go outside and look at the outside exhibits I just looked at. Alex was not with them.
“Where’s Alex?” I asked.
“I was going to ask you the same thing,” said Dad.
“He’s not with you?” I shouted.
I thought he was with you,” said Dad. “You just disappeared.”
I started to look around the place looking for him and calling his name. Dad helped me look. He was going around looking for him and calling his name and Robbie stayed with him.
Maybe he went outside so I went outside and looked at the exhibits again. I kept looking. I hoped he didn’t go too far and I was hoping he stayed on this property. I even saw a worker on site and asked him if he had seen a kid by himself and described his clothes he had on and his hair color and body size.
He offered to inform his coworkers about it and ask them if they had seen a boy nine years of age and he doesn’t talk and only says sentences he has heard and he has autism.
Alex and I both have something in common, we’re both wanderers except I had matured with it and I know not to go too far or leave the building or area so no one doesn’t need to worry about me. I was hoping he was just looking at the exhibits and enjoying his time but I didn’t see him anywhere so I kept on looking. I even looked under stuff to see if he could be hiding. I also looked in the store and café and he was nowhere in site and I even asked the employees there and they said they had not seen him.
I kept calm. Worrying was a waste of time so I had to stay calm. If he was found safely, I would have wasted my time of energy having anxiety and a breakdown over his disappearance and it would be all that energy for nothing. I still looked and then an employee decided to look outside and head towards the Stonehenge. Then I was called by one of the employees and I was informed he was found and he was walking on the pathway towards Stonehenge about fifteen minutes away from here. He had been picked up by a shuttle and was coming back here. I was happy he was okay and he didn’t go on the road or leave the property. He just wanted to see the monument so he left and headed that way.
The shuttle came back and I saw my son. I went over to him and I was glad he wasn’t upset either.
“Oh Alex, you gave me a scare,” I said. “You wanted to see the Stonehenge huh? I am glad you didn’t take off far.”
I took his hand and went back in the visitor center. I didn’t let go of his hand again and I was sweating because I had on my winter coat and was carrying my nappy bag. I decided to take him to the toilet and check his pull up so I took him to the adult changing room and checked and had him sit on the toilet. He peed and I pulled his pull up back up and his trousers and washed my hands and had him wash his too.
“Natalie need changed?” Alex asked.
“I’m fine,” I said. “And it’s “you need changed” not I.”
It would be nice if he would call me Mum then referring me by my name but we have been working on it.
We left the changing room and looked for Dad and Robbie.
I found them and Dad found me and he was so happy to see us together.
“Where did you find him?” Dad asked.
“He was heading to Stonehenge and the shuttle picked him up and brought him back,” I said.
Dad just smiled and laughed. “Oh, good thing he was found. It looks like he wanted to see it also and was so disappointed we couldn’t so he thought he could just go alone.”
“And walk,” I added.
Then I said was ready to leave.
Dad agreed and we left and went back to the car.
“I still want to drive by it,” I said.
I got Alex in his seat and Dad helped Robbie in his and I got in the car. Dad started driving and got back on the road and we drove further down and saw it. That was good enough for me and even Alex stared at it. It was way far put so it was hard to see and it looked tiny from where we were.
“There used to be a road that went by it and they closed it,” said Dad.
“Why?” I asked.
“I don’t know. What do you think?”
“Maybe to make money,” I guessed. “It will force people to stop and ride up to it to see it or else they would be seeing it for free just by driving by it and they wanted to make more money so they did that.”
“That is very good logic,” said Dad. “My logic is the place was getting more and more popular so they figured they can make more money that way by closing the road and building a whole new center so people will stop there and pay and see it so they can have a closer look. Okay, ready to head home?”
“Yes,” I said.
Dad took the quickest route home, he took A303 and the motorways. I just relaxed while Robbie started asking again “Are we there yet?”
“You owe me a penny,” said Dad. “You will owe me another one if you ask me that again.”
“I’m bored.”
“Let’s plat a game,” said Dad. “I spy something that is white and you stay in it and eat and sleep and you can take it with you.”
Boring. I had always hated this game because I have always found it boring. I preferred ISpy books.
Robbie didn’t want to play either because he wouldn’t even guess what it was. It was obviously a camper.
“Camper,” I said.
“Ding we have a winner,” said Dad. “Now I spy something that is a triangle.”
“Let’s find the letter A,” I told Robbie. “It can be on license plates or on signs, anywhere.”
Robbie got interested in that game and I went back to relaxing while he and Dad played it. Alex started to play it too. It was always great seeing him interact. Dad had forgotten about his boring game. Robbie didn’t ask are we there yet again until we were outside of London so Dad told him he owed him two pennies now.
“Nuh uh, you only said I owe you one, not two,” said Robbie.
“You owe me a penny for this one and you owe me another one from when you asked it before so that is two pennies you owe me,” Dad explained.
Dad dropped me off at home when we arrived back at my house. The drive was over two hours and Dad helped me unload my stuff and Alex’s. Christina was home and so were her kids. Daddy was home too and he told me they baked me a cake and they were waiting for me to get back to have it. I went in the kitchen and looked and it was a chocolate cake with white frosting. It was just a regular cake I was having this year. I remembered what Daddy had told me before the trip, he would give me a little girl day like he did last year for my birthday. He invited Robbie and Dad to stay for some cake. They did and Christina put the 3 and 0 on the cake and some candles around it so I would have more to blow out.
Daddy got a lighter and lit them all and we started to sing happy birthday. Then I blew out all the candles not even making a wish. Making them was stupid so I never liked making them. Then I started to take the candles off the cake and I licked the frosting off them. Daddy helped take them off and Haley grabbed the candles and started licking the frosting off. Alex grabbed one too and did the same. Christina had out plates and forks and a knife to cut it with. She started to cut it and gave me the first piece. I started to eat it while she cut everyone else a piece. The cake was all gone after everyone got a piece. There were eight pieces and eight people here. Then Christina gave me something that was from her and her girls. It was a card and it was a gift card to Build A Bear Workshop.
I remembered to say thank you.
Now I have more outfits to get for my Hello Kitty.
Daddy asked me if I was hungry and I told him no.
“We saved some food for you just in case you do later on,” he said. “Oh I have something upstairs, be right back.”
He went upstairs and we waited and then he came back down with a present and it had Barbie wrapping paper on it. “This is from Alex and me and from my son. Actually I bought it and picked it.”
I stared to open it. I saw what he got me. It was the new 3Ds XL Majora’s Mask edition and it had the game preinstalled.
“Wow,” I said. “It’s the new 3DS. Thank you thank you thank you,” I cheered and squealed.
I hugged Daddy and he hugged me back.
“I knew you would love it. You have talked about wanting a new 3DS and how you can’t use the 3D image because you have to keep still when you play it,” he said.
I had heard about the new one coming out thanks to the internet. Good thing I never got the regular 3DS XL.
“I hope you didn’t do Jingle All the Way with this,” I teased Daddy.
I read online all these editions were sold out everywhere because they were high demand, everyone wanted one and I told Daddy I would love to have one of these but I didn’t think he would get me one.
“Is this what you did all weekend, going around trying to find this particular item for me and this is what you meant by you would be working all weekend?” I asked Daddy.
“No I ordered it on ebay. I knew you would like it so I got you this one and look, it already as the game preinstalled.”
“I was just teasing, I am glad you didn’t go to every store in London.”
“No, I looked online and the bids were high on all of them so I did buy it now from a seller and it was a little more but worth it.”
“You were a sucker,” said Dad.
“No these were all sold out everywhere so they were higher in price due to demand,” Daddy explained.
“I still wouldn’t buy a game system that is more than you would buy in a store,” said Dad.
“If there is a specific edition you want and it’s high in demand, sometimes you have to pay a little more money to get it unless you want to wait months to get one when they are in stock.”
“Or do Jingle All the Way,” I added.
I opened the box and took out the new 3DS XL and it came with AR cards again but no adapter.
“Where’s the charger?” Daddy asked.
“They didn’t include it with this,” I said.
“What kind of company doesn’t include a charger?” Dad asked.
“I read they did this to keep the price down,” I said. “Lot of people were pissed about it.”
“I bet. Will your charger work with this?”
“Yes,” I said. “They all have the same port.”
A bunch of people had made a fuss about it online. They had a problem with having to buy another power cord because they would have to include their own power cord when they trade in their old 3DS system or sell it off.
I opened the new system and turned it on and I had to set the date and time, region, my birthday, and pick a nickname for myself. I picked my own than giving myself an alias. It also came with a 4GB SD card but it was a micro SD card and I needed a Phillips screw driver to get to it. There was no way I would be able to do a transfer because I had too many files on my card and 4 GB was too small and I didn’t have a adapter card for the micro card to do a file transfer. I would have to go get one. The new 3DS smelled all fresh and brand new. I could smell it from my hands. I sniffed the system.
“Can I smell?” Alexis asked.
“It doesn’t smell like anything except a new game system,” I said putting it to her face.
She smelled it and said. “It doesn’t smell like anything.”
“Told you,” I said.
I kept looking at the new 3DS. I would have to transfer all my data to this. I have been looking online about this because I wanted a the new 3DS game system and I wanted to see if I could transfer everything to it and it turns out you can, all your play coins, Ambassador Games, your Mii Plaza data, everything. Now I wondered if I would lose the preinstalled game if I transferred everything to this system.
“Is there anymore for her to open?” Dad asked.
“No this is it unless Christina got her something else,” said Daddy.
“No that was it, just the gift card,” she said.
“Okay, we will head out then,” said Dad.
“I’m glad you stayed for the party Uncle Glen,” said Christina.
“No problem.”
They left and I took my gifts upstairs. Daddy followed after me.
“Before you go in our room, I have another surprise for you I couldn’t tell in front of everyone.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Close your eyes.”
I closed my eyes and Daddy put his hand over my eyes and he opened the door and turned on the light and uncovered my face and said “ta da happy birthday.”
I opened them and I saw my bed was gone and it had been replaced by an adult sized baby cot. It looked like a huge baby cot, not like a cage or nothing. It was light brown and it had rails and on the foot of the cot were just solid wood at each end no bars and on the bottom were drawers but the cot had my sheets in it and blanket and pillow and it still had a normal mattress in it. The rail only went down on one side and the mattress was right above the drawers but I could still peek over the railing and look in the cot.
“What happened to my bed?” I asked.
“We took it down and put it away out in the shed.”
“Who’s we?”
“Me and another person who made this and brought it here and we put it together. We did this today while everyone was gone and I stayed home, this was my work day.”
“What about yesterday?”
“I was working and today was my day off. I didn’t want to tell you what I was doing because I wanted it to be a surprise.”
“How did you find someone to make me this?” I asked feeling the wood.
“I had been planning this for the past month and you have been talking about wanting a cot so I found someone in the area who makes furniture and I asked him if he would make an adult sized baby cot and he said he would and he gave me a discount because it was a gift.”
“How much did it cost?”
“I’m not telling.”
“But what about Christina and her kids? What about my son and yours?” I asked.
“What about them?” Daddy asked.
“Aren’t you worried about what they will think or if it might affect them?”
“Why would I be worried? It’s just a bed with bars.”
I was surprised Daddy wasn’t concerned about our kids or my cousin’s.
“Aren’t you worried about them seeing it?” I asked.
“Why would I be?”
“Because it’s a cot,” I said.
“Do you not like it? We can always take it down and sell it. I am sure another adult baby couple would want it.”
“No I love it. I am just surprised you got me it is all because we have kids is why.”
“We’ll just keep our door closed and not allow anyone in here,” said Daddy.
“And what if they come in anyway and see it?”
“Then they do.”
“And you won’t be embarrassed?”
“Why would I be? It’s not my bed.”
“Because you have a wife who sleeps in it and that doesn’t embarrass you?”
“Nothing you do ever embarrasses me honey. You do lot of things I could be embarrassed about so I am not going to be embarrassed about your bed.”
I had always wanted an adult sized cot. When I first lied in one, it felt so relaxing and I felt so calm and mellow inside and different. It was a good comfortable feeling it gave me I had wanted one since but I was too embarrassed to get one and they were too expensive. Now I had one for real and Daddy supported it.
“I didn’t get you a changing table though because we don’t have the room,” said Daddy. “We would make you a nursery but we don’t have a spare room.”
“You won’t be bothered by me not literally sleeping with you?” I asked.
“No,” said Daddy. “I think it would look cute seeing you sleeping in it and it will turn me on but you are still welcome to crawl into bed with me. Do you want to lie in it and try it out?”
I got on Daddy’s bed and climbed in my cot and lied down. I could still stretch my body out and this cot was the size of my old bed, it was just made to fit a twin mattress. I could touch the other end with my feet and I could still climb out of it. I wasn’t trapped and when I sat up, the bars went up to my head.
“How does it feel? Do you like it?” Daddy asked.
“Yes,” I said.
I felt all excited and happy about having a cot finally.
“Let’s check your nappy honey,” said Daddy.
He put the rail down, it slid down like a baby’s cot and he stuck his fingers in my trousers and poked his fingers inside my nappy.
“You’re wet,” he said. “Let’s get you dressed.”
“I am dressed,” I said.
“No I mean get your pajamas on.”
Daddy got me out of the cot and took off my shirt and trousers and he changed my nappy again on his bed. He wiped my pussy and it felt so good. He rubbed around my pussy and inside it where the clit is and folded skin and the folded skin parts. I could tell he was just wiping me there for pleasure.
“Does this feel good?” he asked.
“Mmmm,” I said.
“My baby girl likes this, shall I keep doing it?”
“Yeah,” I said.
He kept wiping me around my pussy and then I started peeing so he grabbed a towel and put it there and let my pee absorb into it. Then he tossed it in the clothes hamper and replaced the changing matt with another changing matt.
“My baby girl had a little accident,” said Daddy.
He cleaned me up and unfolded my clean nappy. He lifted my legs and placed the nappy under me and opened the power and poured it all over in the nappy and on me. Then he taped it up and the nappy felt all nice and soft. He got my footed pajamas on and tossed my clothes in the dirty pile.
Then he held me in his arms. He rocked me and it felt so relaxing. I felt like a little girl in Daddy’s arms.
“Did you change out of your poopy nappy like I told you to?” Daddy asked.
“No, I mean yes,” I said.
“I wasn’t there to clean you up or to make sure you did. Hopefully your real Dad made sure.”
He kept holding me and he didn’t even do anything about me breaking his rule he had given me.
Then he said, “Okay let’s head back downstairs unless you want to enjoy your new bed and I will take care of Alex and the dishes and the stuff.”
“My computer is down there so I have to go down there anyway,” I said.
“I will bring everything up,” said Daddy.
I grabbed my 3DSXL and looked more at my new system.
Daddy came back up with the stuff and he dropped them in our room including my nappy bag. .
“Enjoy your new bed,” said Daddy and he closed the door.
I unpacked my stuff and put them away. I left Alex’s stuff in his bags. I stuck them in his room and went back to mine. I looked at my cot again. I had my very own I could relax in every night and enjoy the comfort. I liked the wood work someone did on the foot of the cot and the wood was soft and it had been polished. I opened the drawers at the bottom and my nappy supply was in there. I picked up my stuffed animal and tossed it in the cot. I put my new 3DS in there and brought my computer in there too. I sat in it and tuned on my computer. I put it on my lap and leaned against the foot of the cot. I read more about data transfer and watched a video about it on youtube. I wanted to be sure I do it right. It looked simple. I couldn’t stop looking at my new 3DS and sniffing it and looking at the menu. I decided to just play the game for a bit to check it out. I was sure my game file would be gone when I do the system transfer and I knew the game would still be there when I do it because I would have to go to the shop and to redownload it for free of charge. I read about it online about reinstalled games.
I played the game for a little bit and I got my ocarina back from skull kid and I went back in time and everything was back to where it was before, three more days until the moon falls. I was also no longer a Deku and I was back to being a human again but I got to keep the mask so I could transform to a Deku again. I turned the game off and went back to my computer.
Daddy tucked me in my cot that night and gave me a kiss and got his pajamas on and wet to bed and read. He said I could read too if I wanted to. I just relaxed and fell asleep.
I had been sleeping in that thing for a week. Daddy would still change me in my cot, he would put the rail down just to do it and then put it back up. He was strong enough to roll me aside just to put the changing pad down and put me back on top. It was waterproof and it absorbed for in case I have any accidents and it protects my bed and Daddy just uses an incontinent pad to catch my accidents so it won’t go all over. I pee down since I am a girl so the pee goes all the way to the back where my back is and my buttocks and it can get my shirt all wet too. Sometimes he uses my nappy if he had my butt off the bed and then he gets a clean nappy and he sets my butt back down if I start to pee so it won’t go all the way to my back. Then he removes the changing pad when he is done and he replaces it if I have an accident on it and got it wet. We also use bed pads. I asked him how he felt about me sleeping in there and never having me sleep with him and he said he was fine with it, he has noticed how much calmer I seem now and I seem happier so it looks to him he made the right choice for my present. I asked him how does he feel not having a wife anymore at night and he said I will always be his wife no matter what bed I sleep in. I asked him if he still saw me as his wife than baby and he said he always sees me as his wife and a cot doesn’t change it, I am free to leave it and sleep with him and he knows I didn’t want one to be humiliated and controlled so he got me one that looks like a cot a baby would sleep in and it won’t be a cage for me to be trapped in. He has even slept in it with me because he wanted to be close to me and real dads do crawl into it to sleep with their real babies, I have seen photos of it online and Daddy knew this too. Then he decided to have the rail down facing his side of the bed so I could crawl to him anytime I want than climbing out.
We also had been doing good keeping our door closed and even Landon didn’t go in there so he didn’t see the cot. Our bedroom was our private area and no one was allowed to be in there. People would have to knock if they are looking for us or want us. That was the rule in our home.
Daddy had kept his promise and took me out as a little girl two weeks after my birthday. He asked me what I wanted to do that day and he will take me there. ‘”Build a Bear Workshop,” I said.
I remembered I had my gift card so I wanted to go there and use it.
“Anything else you want to do?”
I figured Lego Land would still be closed so I decided on the zoo. That was childish enough. Hey I had made my own decision without any stress and needing Daddy to make them for me. I felt so happy.
I lied in my cot again going to sleep and I wondered how I would explain why I am sleeping in it if anyone ever sees it. But worrying is a waste of time of energy right so I didn’t think about it right now. I just went to sleep in my new bed.
End.
Thanks to my mother for taking me to Chedder and to Chedder Gorge and seeing the village there, thanks for taking me to see the Roman Baths and Stonehenge and going to Bristol which inspired me to write this.