Natalie has her Baby

I can’t wait until I have this damn baby.
I am so glad I am about to go on my maternity leave. I have been more uncomfortable with my baby inside of me. He is rough inside of me, I get a Charlie horse in my leg sometimes, I am anemic and my blood pressure has gone up but it’s right below the normal mark, I hate being constipated, I feel fat, I have been too lazy to go to the gym to work out so I walk around the neighborhood instead, I can’t even see my pussy when I shave, lot of my clothes don’t fit so I have to wear maternity pants and lot of them are uncomfortable because they keep falling down because I am so damn skinny and I hate loose pants around my bottom and the gap between my crotch and legs and lot of my shirts won’t cover my whole belly so I have to wear my largest shirts I have or wear my maternity outfits Christina has gotten me and my skin itches sometimes. Thank god I still haven’t gotten stretch marks yet and I hope they don’t ever come. I had gained up to thirty pounds and I was big as a whale. I felt like a cow. I also felt uncomfortable down there at times because of the baby pushing down in there. I would rather sit but I have to keep active and still go to work. My doctor had put me on maternity leave starting at thirty-eight weeks. It was so hard having to take care of Alex.
“I hate the baby, it’s hurting Mum,” he said through his tablet.
“It’s only temporary,” Christina told him. “Soon he will be born and Mum won’t be uncomfortable anymore. It’s part of being pregnant.”
I flopped on the couch and rested.
Alex was sitting at the table and Haley was playing in the living room and Alexis was playing with a friend upstairs in her room and Daddy was at work. He used to be a workaholic but he has been working less to help me out because of my anxiety and I get a social worker that comes here to be sure everything is going okay with us. Everyone has been helping me out throughout my pregnancy with Alex.
“I bet you are going to have that baby next week,” Christina told me.
“Why?” I asked.
“The way you are acting, you are crabby, you don’t want to do anything, your body is getting ready for labor. I bet you will have your baby right after you go on maternity leave, in fact don’t be surprised if it comes before your thirty-eight weeks mile mark.”
“But my maternity leave isn’t until thirty-eight weeks,” I said.
“So, you will start early then.”
I had to force myself to move again to get Alex to the toilet.
I also feel apathetic for eating so it was even more of a chore but luckily Daddy makes sure I eat.
I was often feeling pressure down there when I stand so I felt much better when I sat so another reason why I was not interested in working out but I still made myself do housework and it made me feel like a strong woman.
* * *
I arrived at my appointment to see Rebekah Nickels. She is my therapist I had been seeing since September. I went in the house and waited in the waiting room which used to be a living room. It was just a single house not attached to any other home and it had been converted into a business. I played my Nintendo 3DS and then the door in the hallway opened and people walked out. I could hear Rebekah Nickels talking and her other patient. The door closed and I waited and then the door opened again and Dr. Nickels walked into the room.
“Hi,” she said.
I put my 3DS away and got up.
I walked into her office and she followed after me.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Fine,” I said.
“Are you okay” is their way of asking “what’s up?” and “how are you?”
Then I started saying. “My baby has been very rough with me and I can’t wait for him to pop out, I get Charlie horses in my legs, my legs get sore from being on them for too long, I feel lazy, I feel pressure down here,” I pointed to my crotch. “I hate getting constipated, and I feel so fat.”
“I think you look very good,” said Rebekah Nickels.
I sat down in a chair where I always sit. Rebekah Nickels closed the door and sat down in her chair.
“Tell me now things been going for you,” she said. “How has Alex been doing? How have you been doing?”
“My son said he doesn’t like my baby because he hurts me,” I said.
“Ah that is so sweet.”
We talked and I had been calmer through my pregnancy because of support I had been getting and Alex acting better so that eases my worries about him being violent in the future.
“Have you been staying off those websites?” Rebekah Nickels asked.
“No,” I said. “But I try to avoid topics about autism and violence by not clicking on them.”
I go to a parenting forum for parents of kids with autism and I avoid topics there about aggression. No way was I going to leave all websites because they could contain stories about autistic kids and aggression and there are a couple threads on Wrongplanet right now in the parents’ section about their autistic child being violent. I dared to not open them.
“That’s good. But I think you should stay off the webpages,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because they are triggering.”
“But I am not clicking on the topics,” I said.
“But they are still there and you still see the threads even though you are not reading them, do you understand?”
“Yes,” I said.
But I couldn’t stop going to them or else it’s stay off the forums for life because someone could post a triggering thread and I do not like limitations.
After our session ended, Rebekah Nickels told me she will see me again next week.
I headed home. I went to my car and drove home which wasn’t far from my home but I was too lazy to walk. Another thing about my pregnancy was making me very apathetic I don’t even feel like doing anything anymore except sitting around.
When I got home I just wanted to relax. No one was home. Everyone was at work and the kids were in school. I felt a little crampy down there. Darn baby, pushing on me. I wish he would come out now but I had to have him be full term. I was sure he already is full term so I wanted to go through an early labor and have him come out now. I was hoping for an early labor.
I rested in my bedroom and played on my 3DS, then I had to get up and get some housework done. I did the dishes in the kitchen. I ignored the baby in my belly. I had to be tough and not use my pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy. Then next I did some laundry. Then I swept and rested again before getting my son from school again.
I had to change my nappy before getting him and I got my nappy bag and my jacket and headed to school to get him. I played an oldie station on the way there. It was just seventies and eighties music playing and some sixties. I was sure getting told because music from the eighties were oldies now. Any music from 25 years ago or more is oldies. I don’t even hear music anymore from the early sixties and from the 1950’s. I used to hear those songs on the radio when I was a kid and teenager and now they don’t play them anymore. I have to go online now and listen to them. I was sure getting old.
I arrived at his school and parked the car and went inside.
I saw Mrs. Bruen. Alex was sitting at the computer playing.
“Are you alright?” Mrs. Bruen asked me.
“I can’t wait until I have this baby,” I said.
“I bet,” she said. “The last month is always the toughest.”
“It wasn’t this bad with Alex,” I said.
I swore my tummy was bigger too than when Alex was growing in there.
I got Alex and we left and I took him out to the car. I got him in his seat and I got in on the driver’s side.


When we got back, I took Alex to the toilet again. I didn’t want to do this but I had to force myself. After I was done, I relaxed again. I felt so much better sitting.
Soon Gailand arrived home with the kids. I was cranky because I couldn’t rest with Alex having his moments. I was even moaning because of the damn baby because I had to force myself to move my body and to be off my ass. I felt like I had pressure down there and cramps. Why couldn’t he just make this easier for me.
“Can you just stay in your room and play in there until Steven gets home?” I asked. “I really want to rest because of this baby and I feel tired when I move and uncomfortable.”
He just acted up again by screaming and crying. I just walked away from it, I couldn’t handle it and my damn hormones were killing me so I was irritable and short tempered and cranky. I just wished I could lock him in his room. Only things I had locked were the outside doors. At least he hasn’t tried to pick those locks to get out.
Then Gailand told me to just rest and she will watch Alex for me.
“Thanks,” I said.
I went back to my room and I felt so happy to have a break. I flopped down in the chair and picked up my computer again.

Daddy came home to help me out with Alex. He would still be working but because of my pregnancy, he has been coming home sooner to help me. He had his work bag with him where he keeps his computer in and papers.
I spent time on my computer until it was time for me to get ready. I got undressed and changed my nappy, put my work outfit on and I brushed my teeth, I also brushed my hair and put my Nintendo 3DS in my nappy bag.
I left for work and I dealt with the pressure down there.
“You’re so rough with me,” I said to my belly. “I can’t wait for you to come out and I hope you are full term so you will stop hurting me.”
I had to stand and wait for the bus and that was so uncomfortable and then I got on and I felt so much better when I sat. Then I got off the bus and walked to the underground station and I waited for the train. I sat and when it came I got on and there were no seats. I groaned but I stood and the train started movie as I leaned against the pole.
“Hey,” I heard a voice.
I looked and it was some older man way older than Daddy.
“Sit down here,” he said.
I sat down and remembered to thank him.
“No problem,” he said. “You don’t look comfortable.”
“I can’t wait for this baby to come out, he is so rough with me.”
“What are you doing on this tube when you are very pregnant? You look you could pop any moment,” he said.
“I have to go to work,” I said.
“Work? Why are you still working in a condition like you are in?”
“My maternity leave starts next week,” I said. “Only five more days of work and I am done for a year.”
“Back when my wife was young, women didn’t work, they stayed home when they were that far along.”
“Times change,” I said.
I guess that man had to be very old if women were not allowed to leave their homes when they were this far along. I looked at him again to try and guess his age. He was an old man and I was surprised he gave up his seat but he must be strong if he could stand. I couldn’t tell how old he is. I would guess maybe in his eighties if he is fit as a fiddle. He didn’t use a cane and there was no sign of a walker either or a wheelchair. Also it was very odd he was talking to me because here in the UK, people don’t talk to each other like this when they are strangers. That is only in America people do it but what do I expect? He is an old man and they lose their social skills when they get old and they just quit caring about the rules, it’s even easy to find nappies on elderlies because they make it so obvious they have one on. They just quit caring and don’t even bother to hide it.
“I remember I had my first kid in 1946 right after the war had ended, now he is all grown and he had his children and now they have theirs.”
Wow he was that old and if he was in his eighties and he had his kid in 1946, that would mean he was born somewhere in the 1930’s so that would make him a teen dad so he had to be older and if he had him as a young adult, that would put him to being born around in the late 1920’s. If he had him at twenty-one, then if he was born in 1925 so that would make him 90 unless he just had a birthday so that would make him 91. I wished I knew his age so I would know his age and the year he was born but it was rude to ask his age.
“You must have had him young,” I said.
He laughed. “I was eighteen and my wife was seventeen”
So he was born in 1928 so that would make him eighty-seven unless he had a birthday already, then that would make him eighty-eight.
“You still look good for how old you are, no cane or wheelchair or walker,” I said.
He laughed again. “That is what I get for not drinking a lot and not smoking, get plenty of exercise and if you take good care of your health and stay in shape, you will be like me. You won’t end up in any nursing home either so soon.”
Grandma Del is in still good shape in her eighties too but my other grandma is in bad shape. While she can walk fine and not use any canes or wheelchairs, her brain is not good and she has forgotten how to go to the bathroom. She also does not know who she is or remember her husband or her own children and grand-children and she doesn’t even know her great grand-children. She is only eighty-nine unless she hasn’t had a birthday yet, then she would be eighty-eight. I remember Dad telling me she was twenty-nine when she had him. Before then she had no interest in being a mum and she was busy enjoying her adult life and then my Dad was born. Then three more kids were born after that. But I never knew her birthday or my grandfather’s.
I wondered where his wife was, was she at home or dead or in a nursing home or were they divorced. I was too shy to ask because I didn’t know what else to say and I didn’t want to say anything wrong. I felt too anxious to talk even though I had not offended him yet but he was laughing so I was nervous. But at least I figured out his age thanks to my comment.
“We had our kids so young it was hard so my wife didn’t get to go to university until our kids were older and I worked to support them all,” the man continued.
I just nodded my head.
“How many did you have?” I asked nervously.
“We had three. They were all born before 1950. They all have their own grandchildren now.”
I did that math in my head again. They would all be in their late sixties and one would be seventy this year. That was old enough to be grandparents but Grandma Del became one at thirty-four years of age because she had her first one at sixteen years of age and then her oldest had her first at eighteen. But she had become a Great Grandma when she was only in her fifties because my oldest cousin had his baby when he was only twenty-three so she was only fifty-seven. Now she could be a Great Great Grandma if one of my cousin’s kids has a baby.
“Do you have any others?” the man asked.
“What?” I asked.
“Is that your first one there?” he pointed to my belly. “Or do you have more?”
“I have one at home and I have a step son,” I said.
“When is your baby going to be born?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
“You don’t know any estimate or a guess?”
“I am due on the twenty third of March,” I said.
I was holding my belly again and leaning back in my seat to be more comfortable.
“Oh, not long ways a way at all,” he said.
The train stopped again and he stepped off the train. I was relieved because I didn’t have to worry anymore about talking and saying the wrong thing. No one else said anything to me for the rest of the way and I switched trains and rode the rest of the way. Then I got off and walked to work.
I work in a tall building on the 11th floor. I went to the break room on the basement level and waited a few minutes for my shift to start. I just rested and then I clocked in and got the keys and went to my floor. I dealt with the pain in my belly off and on while I worked and dealt with some pressure down there. I felt like I had my period off and on because they felt like period cramps but at least they weren’t in my legs. I always took a pill for it to cut out the pain and I would feel normal again and it was only for a couple days after my period started. I cleaned a couple restrooms and did dusting and vacuuming.
“Looks like you’re about to explode and you’re still working,” said one of the customers who works in the building.
“My maternity leave doesn’t start until next week,” I said.
“Don’t have the baby on us here,” she said.
As if I would have control over it. What a dumb comment unless she was teasing me or else she would have to be stupid if she thought I could control when I have the baby naturally. Since she obviously has gone to university and gotten her degree, she couldn’t be that dumb so she had to be teasing me.
I often don’t get comments about my belly and no one has ever tried to touch it without my permission or even ask except for people who know me and no one at work as even asked to feel it. They have only asked for when I am due and how far along I am and when I started maternity leave.
I would feel normal again when the cramps would be gone but now I only had to deal with pressure down there. My legs even felt sore and stiff but I kept working. I was not going to take breaks and get behind. I was strong and I didn’t have any complications that would restrict me. I also collected the trash and sometimes I would accidentally bang the waste basket on my belly causing the baby to move and ramming the cart on my belly by mistake or bumping it into walls when I would turn. Squatting down to clean toilets was also a struggle because I felt like I was an obese person trying to move around. I even skipped my break because I wanted to get done because I was working slower. I felt too pregnant. I was severely pregnant, get it. I felt I had a very good work out so I didn’t even need to go to the gym if I was getting it already at work. At least my back was never sore but my belly was sometimes and down there and my legs from being on them for too long and at least I didn’t have a job where I have to sit for long periods of the time or else it would make my legs and feet swell and make them stiff it would feel like I have lot of weight on them. At home all our chairs I sit in are soft so I never have that issue and I never sit long at the dining room table or kitchen table when I eat. But the good thing is this is all temporary. This had to be a big baby I was carrying and the doctor guessed the baby was just over seven pounds and said it was a big baby. I wonder if I would need a caesarian section. I certainly hope not.

When I got done with my work, I went back to the basement and put my keys back, clocked out and grabbed my coat and nappy bag and left.
“Cheerio,” said the security at the front counter. I had a delayed response so I didn’t say bye back until I had walked out the door. My legs were sore from all the walking I had to do. I went to the station and rested again. When the train came, I got on and sat down. I was happy for empty seats. I rested my head and closed my eyes. When I got to the stop, I got off and switched trains again and got on the Central line. I closed my eyes again and leaned on the window. When my stop came again, I got off and waited for the bus.

When I got home, I showered and I did the computer before going to bed. I felt the baby moving in there as I rested in my cot. I laid on my belly on my side. Laying on my back makes me feel short of breath. But when I lay on my side, I feel better. I cuddled a stuff animal in my arms while I rested here trying to go to sleep.

My social worker visited me Two days later. Her name is Marie. She asked me some questions and I told her about my current pregnancy condition and how hard it is to care for Alex and I feel so lazy because I don’t want to do anything I even quit working out and I always want to lay around.
“That is pretty normal at the end,” said Marie. “Your body is carrying another human so it’s using up all your energy but just hang in there, you’re getting very close.”
“I hope it comes before my due date,” I said. “This is hell.”
I enjoyed being pregnant in my last one but this one I stopped enjoying being pregnant when I got to 32 weeks.
“I will be checking with your husband too and Christina,” Marie told me.
Then it was time for her to leave and she left in her car. I was by myself again. I just rested for a little bit and Daddy called to remind me to do some housework.
“I’m so tired and exhausted,” I whined.
“I know honey but we need the house to be cleaned and just do what you can,” said Daddy.
“Okay,” I said.
He hung up and I got up and I swept the floors again. Only three more days until maternity leave.


I survived the next working days and then it was all hell. I was so glad my maternity leave had started because I didn’t see how I was going to work in this condition and cleaning the house was very hard so I was lazy most of the time but luckily everyone helped me with Alex and I wondered how single moms do it in this condition. I spent most of my time on the weekend resting and not doing anything while everyone else played and cleaned and cooked.
Today was the first day I wouldn’t be going to work. Daddy let me be lazy and Christina was sure I would have the baby before next week because of the way I am acting. I felt like I was using my pregnancy as an excuse but everyone understood and they didn’t make me take care of Alex or do any housework. Christina got Alex up for school for me instead and she also took him to school because she was off today. Even climbing out of the cot was a struggle because I felt like an obese lady climbing out of there. But the only thin big about me was my tummy and it still had no stretchmarks. I was glad. Another thing I was looking forward to was not having any more skin tags around my breasts. I have been just pulled them off because they were only tiny ones and then there is blood. I would one again and pulled it off with my finger nails. Also I was looking forward to having no more spider veins and I was hoping they will go away again and I was hoping no stretchmarks will appear on my belly again.
Then I needed a clean nappy and I just didn’t want to change it. I wished I had someone else do it but I was so exhausted I didn’t want to stand because it was so uncomfortable. I just laid on Daddy’s bed while I watched some TV.
Then there was a knock on the door.
“Come in,” I said.
Christina came in with a plate of toast with jam on it and butter. “I made you something, you have not eaten yet.”
“Thanks,” I said.
She set it down beside me on the bed.
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine right now,” I said. “I am okay just as long as I don’t stand on my feet, except I need a clean nappy and it’s going to be a bitch to change it because I would then have to stand on my feet.”
“Can you do it laying down?”
“Probably but then I would have to stand to get the stuff.”
“I can get it for you.”
“Thanks,” I said.
Christina started to look for the nappy supplies. She went in one of the wardrobes where I keep them and she found the changing matt and she grabbed one of my nappies. She grabbed the wipes and asked me if I needed the cream and I said ‘yes.’ Christina picked up the can and put them on my bed. She slid the matt under me and I had to roll aside so she would put it down. I got back on top and waited for her to get out of here so I could change.
“Do you need help?’ she asked.
“No I think I got it,” I said.
She had changed my nappy once when I was very tired once but that was a few years ago when we first moved in and it was very awkward and uncomfortable but she did a good job putting it on me because she is a nurse so I am sure she has nappied patients and changed them.
“Oh let me do it,” said Christina.
“I was waiting for you to get out,” I said.
“Well if you need my help, just yell for me okay,” said Christina.
She left my room and I took off my pajama bottoms. I undid my nappy and I grabbed a clean wipe and started to wipe myself. I then unfolded the clean nappy and I realized I should have put it under me first before taking off the other one. I was so stupid. I pulled the wet nappy away and tossed it on the floor and I put the clean nappy under me. Then I rubbed rash cream on me down there. Then I wiped my hand and pulled the diaper up between my legs and taped it closed. I pulled my bottoms back up and rested again.
The nappy on the floor smelled like pee and I didn’t want to smell it anymore so I forced myself to pick it up and I had to walk to the bathroom to throw it away. Then I pushed the changing matt off the bed and laid down again. I ate my toast. Then I got off the bed and sat in my chair with my computer. I really wanted to go for my walk so I stood up again and moved around but the pressure down there felt too much for me. Could I really walk like this? I felt so obese. I walked down the stairs with my plate. I walked to the kitchen and put it in the sink. Christina was in there making something.
“How are you feeling again?” she asked.
“I feel so fat because it’s uncomfortable when I walk and stand,” I said. “How do single moms do this when they are this pregnant?”
“They still take care of their kids but it’s very hard,” said Christina. “Or they get their friends or neighbors to help or their family or their older kids help if they are old enough for house work and to help out with their siblings or they have their nanny take over.”
“But what if they were poor and can’t afford it?” I asked.
“Then that is when their friends help.”
“But what if they have no friends.”
“Then they have neighbors.”
“But what if they were like me?”
“Then they have family.”
“But what if they were alone and their family was too far away?”
“Well then I guess they shouldn’t live too far away or they suffer and just do it if they have a disabled child.”
I sat down on the couch and rested again. I felt so much better when I sat.
“Any day now you will have your baby,” said Christina. “I bet it will be here by this weekend.”
“How do you know, you said that last time and the baby isn’t here yet.”
“Well the way you are acting now, you lack energy, you are very uncomfortable, you don’t want to do anything and you just want to sit, that is your body’s way of getting ready to have the baby so it’s making you relax which is why you don’t feel like doing anything.”
“So I am not being lazy you don’t think?” I asked.
“Gosh no, this is nature’s way of telling you to rest so your body will get ready to have the baby.”
“But I read back in the days women still worked until they have their baby and then they would go back to working in the fields again after giving birth.”
“It was different then, they had no choice.”
“That must have been hard for them and uncomfortable,” I said.
“It was. But now we don’t have to do that anymore so you let yourself rest.”
My pregnancy was never this uncomfortable with Alex. My legs would get sore after being on them for two hours around eight months and I never felt pressure down there or felt uncomfortable in my belly or when he moved and kicked, he was gentler with me. But my back would get sore and uncomfortable and I even worked until I had the baby. One moment I felt normal and then one day I was cramping and it went on all day and bam Alex was born. I wondered if age had anything to do with this but a doctor told me the bad news is it’s gets worse with every pregnancy because it’s harder on your body each time. I wonder how Michelle Duggar handled it. She must have a huge vagina from all those babies and then she miscarried with her 20th because it could not hold another baby which is my speculation why she miscarried and it might have been “god’s” way of telling her that is enough babies.
I rested for the rest of the day and Christina picked her kids up and mine and I just stayed home and did some housework despite the discomforts. I would pick a chore to do and do it and then rest. Thank god this was only temporary. I even forgot to eat too because I had no appetite.
Christina came home with the kids. I stayed in my room. I continued being on the computer and I also played my 3DS. Then the front door opened and I heard someone come up the stairs. The bedroom door opened and it was Daddy.
“How is my baby girl feeling?” he asked.
“Obese,” I said.
“You’re not fat honey, you’re just pregnant. You’re skinny all over except this,” he pointed to my belly.
“I can’t wait until I have this baby, when I stand, it feels uncomfortable down there I think the baby dropped.”
“What did you do all day?”
“I did a little bit of cleaning and then I stopped, I feel so lazy.”
“You’re not lazy, you’re carrying all that weight. You just keep on relaxing and I will take care of Alex for you and I will bring the food to you for dinner.”
Daddy took his laptop out of his work bag and he opened it and he did some work on his bed. He had the external hard drive connected to his PC. He also had some papers laid out on his bed.
“Daddy, will you change me?” I asked.
“Sure Princess,” he said.
He moved his stuff and he got it all ready for me.
“Come on honey.”
I got up and walked to his bed. I laid down on the changing pad. Daddy pulled my pajama bottoms down. He undid my nappy and he got a wipe and cleaned me up down there. He held my feet in the air too as he did it. I felt short of breath from being on my back. Then he took the wet nappy away and he grabbed the clean nappy and put it under me, then he put some rash cream on me down there and rubbed it around. Then he wiped it on the nappy and set my legs down. I kept them on the bed so they wouldn’t be hanging off the bed. I spread my legs apart so Daddy could get the nappy on me. He pulled it up between my legs and he was putting it on me when our door opened.
“Alex, please leave this room and close the door,” Daddy said politely. “I am helping Mum with something.”
Alex paced around and started to make noise.
“You remember Mum was going to start her maternity leave so she will be home every night now?” Daddy asked.
Daddy then left me with my diaper partly undone and I had to lay here. Daddy called for Christina.
I started to pee in my diaper.
“Christina, I need your help” Daddy shouted.
Christina came up and she came in and Daddy handed her Alex. “He is upset and I am not sure if it’s because Natalie didn’t go to work.”
“Come on Alex, come with me,” said Christina holding her hand.
Alex just shrieked and he was hitting his own head with his hand pacing around. Christina and Daddy pulled him out of the bedroom and daddy closed the door and locked it.
“I had an accident in my nappy,” I said.
“Babies do that,” he said.
He finished putting the nappy on me. I laid to my side and Daddy picked my pajamas back up and put them on me. Then he felt my nappy. I felt dry again even though it went to the back. Good thing I had the nappy on me already even though it wasn’t fully taped up. I got up and moved to my chair. Daddy left our bedroom and closed our door. I was too lazy to get out of my spot to lock it or else I would have to get up again.

Daddy later gave me my dinner and I just ate in my room. Daddy didn’t even ask me to eat with them. He thought it was good I stayed up here because Alex was upset that I didn’t go to work and the fact that he (Daddy) is coming home early now so it’s a change in his environment. But I had told him this was all going to be happening but yet he was still having troubles. Maybe because he knows the baby is coming soon and it’s getting very close so that also means more change.

After I was done eating, Daddy took my plate down for me. I didn’t shower tonight because I felt too lazy and I only showered last night so I didn’t need to do it every night unless I sweated or mowed the lawn or got dirty. Daddy took his work downstairs and worked down there instead while I stayed in our bedroom alone with my computer. I browsed websites and wrote a blog entry about starting my maternity leave and my son bursting in on us while I was getting my nappy changed and how I had an accident and how everyone is helping me so I wouldn’t have to struggle caring for my son.

I could soon hear Daddy putting him to bed. I stayed put in my chair. I continued doing the computer and then I had to force myself to get up to brush my teeth. I went in the bathroom and I got my toothbrush wet. I out toothpaste on it and brushed my teeth. My gums always bleed now because of my pregnancy. It has to do with hormonal changes so it makes the gums more sensitive. My gums are also swollen too because of it. Also another thing I deal with during pregnancy is some acne again on my chest and I also get hot flashes. It’s like being a teen again because I used to get this all the time due to my hormones being out of whack and my periods would cause it too. Daddy also says I drive him crazy with my hormones and I am more affectionate than before and that drives him crazy too because he isn’t used to it. But at least I am more of a normie now. I wonder if he is anxious too about our baby coming. I am so ready to have him now, I wonder if he is ready too so he will get his wife back.
I got finished brushing my teeth. I rinsed my mouth out and spat in the sink and rinsed off my toothbrush and dried it and put it back in the toothbrush holder we have on the wall. Then I dried my mouth and hands and went back to my computer.
Daddy soon came in our room and he showered and then he got his pajamas on and he left again. I could hear him taking care of Alex. I rested back in the chair and closed my eyes with my computer on my lap.


I woke up later with Daddy taking my computer off my lap and trying to turn off the light.
“What are you doing?” I snapped.
“Oh, you were snoring so I was going to turn off this light. You’re very tired and you should get plenty of sleep so off to bed you go.”
“Do I have to?” I whined.
“Yes because I’m Daddy.”
“And what if I don’t?”
“Then I take away your 3DS for the next day. Since I can’t carry you, you’re going to have to help me.”
Daddy grabbed my left hand and pulled me out of my chair. He walked me to my cot and he put the side down and I crawled in and laid down. Daddy tucked me in and handed me my stuffed animal.
“Do you want your dummy?”
“No thanks,” I said.
Daddy put it on the dresser and put the side up and locked it. I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep.


I woke up in my cot in the middle of the night. I never stay asleep at night and no matter how early I go to bed, I still wake up in the middle of the night and then I can’t get back to sleep. I have been having sleeping problems since I have been off my antidepressants so I will either be awake for hours in my cot before going to sleep or I wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to sleep. I could hear Daddy sleeping in his bed. I felt my nappy and my tummy. I tried to go back to sleep again. I listened to Daddy’s breathing. I moved around in my cot and ran my fingers along the bars of my cot. I also felt the bars in my hands. I also tapped the back of my cot the top of my head was facing.
I then heard movement downstairs and I wondered if it was Alex but I didn’t feel like climbing out of my cot to check on him. I felt too lazy and I also felt fat. I still heard some movement. I rested here and then I decided I better do my job and go check. I got up and climbed to my feet and I stepped over the rail and onto Daddy’s bed. It was a little hard because I felt so fat doing it and I had to use more energy to lift my legs and to not lose my balance and I grabbed the rails as I climbed out. I felt like an obese woman climbing out. Then I crawled off Daddy’s bed. He is a heavy sleeper. I left our bedroom and I saw Alex’s door was open. I checked in there and walked to his bed and it was empty. I then went downstairs but I scooted down. Then I turned on the light. I looked around and I found Alex and he was up in the middle of the night playing.
“What are you doing up?” I asked. “You’re supposed to be in bed. Come on.”
I held my tummy as I moved towards him but he moved away and went into the kitchen.
“Alex?” I called.
Then he came out with a knife but it was a small kitchen knife and my nightmare had come true. He did go violent on me so I ran and he chased after me and I started to scream. “AHHHHHH, HELP ME” and I lost my balance and fell on the steps. Alex still came and I screamed. Doors opened and Christina rushed out. Alex stood in front of me with the knife in his hand. I moved up the stairs and Alex kept pointing it at me.
“Alex, put that knife down,” said Christina.
Daddy then came to the stairs.
“He got violent like I feared,” I yelled in fear.
“Alex, put the knife down,” Daddy ordered calmly.
“Come up here Natalie,” said Christina.
I climbed up the stairs and Christina came down. Daddy grabbed my hand and helped me up the stairs. I was crying. “I don’t feel safe here anymore. He’s violent now.”
Alex dropped the knife and it landed on the floor. Daddy took me back to my room while Christina handled Alex.
“Why did he do this? He is violent now like I feared,” I cried.
“We’ll lock the door and you will be safe,” said Daddy.
I couldn’t wait until daylight to call Marie to report the incident.
We came back in our bedroom and Daddy locked our bedroom door. Daddy helped me back in my cot again and he climbed in with me. I cried and couldn’t stop mentioning the incident.
“We’ll talk to him about it to see why he did it,” Daddy told me.
“Now we have to send him away,” I said.
“We’ll put all the knives away and keep them out of his reach.”
“But you said we would send him away and not live with us anymore if he gets too violent,” I said.
“Yes I did say that but I would like to use it as the last resort.”
I felt lied to. He had lunged at me with a knife and now I didn’t feel safe anymore. What was I going to do? The baby started moving inside of me. What if Alex hurts our baby?
“What if Alex hurts our baby?” I asked. “I can’t risk it, it’s too dangerous to have him here and I am scared.”
Daddy just hugged me tight and started rocking me.
“What if he hurts our baby?” I asked again.
“We’ll worry about it when we get to that bridge,” he said.
I started to cry. “Why does he want to hurt me now? What did I do?”
“I won’t let him hurt you,” said Daddy.
“But you won’t send him away.”
“But I will still protect you, I will stay home if I have to and work here.”
“I can’t have him here anymore,” I said. “I am calling the social worker when it’s day light and tell her how much danger I am in now and the baby and maybe they will take care of it for us.”
“I think you might be over reacting,” said Daddy.
“Over reacting?” I yelled. “I was just chased with a knife and he was going after me, how can you say I am over reacting?” I screamed. “Hello?”
“Natalia, this is the first time he has ever done this,” he said. “We’ll play it by ear.”
I tried to get up but Daddy held me down. I kept trying to get up. I kept on crying.
Then our door knob turned and then someone knocked on our bedroom door.
“Hello?” Daddy asked.
“What’s happening in there?” Christina asked.
Daddy got up and climbed out of my cot and opened the door.
“Natalia is freaking out because of what happened, she thinks Alex is going to hurt her now,” Daddy explained.
“Natalie,” said Christina in a calm voice.
“I’m not safe I’m not safe, the baby isn’t safe here either, I can’t wait until morning,” I yelled.
“Natalie,” Christina said louder.
I looked at her.
“Natalie, it’s okay, he isn’t going to hurt you.”
“How do you know? He had a knife!”
“He was fooling around with it. He wasn’t going to stab you.”
“He chased me with it!” I cried.
“Yes but he wasn’t intending to stab you.”
“How do you know? Do you think a kid can’t be violent and kill their parents? It’s happened before. Haven’t you heard it in the news?” I yelled.
“Shhh you will wake up my children,” she said.
I stayed in my cot and Christina stuck her hand in between the two bars and held my hand.
“Hey it’s going to be fine, we will put away all sharp objects and he won’t mess with them again.”
I felt she didn’t believe me and was acting like I was crazy. I know what I saw and I wasn’t imagine it.
“I’m not crazy,” I said through tears.
“I know.”
“But you’re acting like I am.”
“I know how it looked but I am reassuring you that is not what happened,” said Christina.
I buried my face in my pillow to hide my tears.
I started to think about ways to defend myself and protect myself. How will I keep safe? How will I protect my baby? I was going to call Marie first thing when I get up when it’s daylight.
I could feel my baby moving again.
Then Daddy came back. “I talked to him. Natalia, look who is here?”
I lifted my head up and there was Alex but he didn’t have a knife. I felt nervous.
“You scared your mumma,” Daddy told him. “That wasn’t a very nice thing you did. It was very mean. You don’t treat your Mum that way. Now go say you are sorry and hug her.”
“Come here Alex,” Christina said. “Come right here to this spot where I am pointing.”
Christina pointed to the floor right by my cot. Alex walked over to her.
“Stand right here,” she commanded.
Alex stepped right there.
“Now look at Mum.”
Alex looked at me.
“Now tell her what you were doing downstairs with a knife.”
Alex started to type on his tablet.
“I am sorry you can’t take a joke either.”
“Alex, that is not even an apology,” said Christina.
“Yes it is, I said I am sorry.”
“No, you said you are sorry she can’t take a joke. That is not a real apology, a real apology would be saying “I am sorry for my mean practical joke.”
“I am sorry for my mean practical joke,” Alex wrote.
“Why did you do it?” I asked.
“Do what?”
“Chase me with the knife.”
“It was a joke.”
“But why did you do that joke?”
“Because you are always on about me getting violent so I thought I would act violent.”
“We will be taking away all the sharp knives,” said Daddy. “And you will have a consequence. That was very naughty. Your mother has anxiety so doing that was very nasty.”
“She was supposed to laugh,” said Alex on his tablet.
“I thought you could read emotions and know how people feel?” I asked.
“That’s not theory of mind,” said Christina.
“And your point?” I asked.
“That reading emotions and knowing how you are feeling is not theory of mind and him chasing you with a knife knowing how you will react and how you would feel is theory of mind,” Christina explained.
“Let’s get you bad to bed now,” Daddy told Alex.
He took him out of my room.
“He didn’t mean it,” said Christina. “I am sure he is just confused about why you didn’t find this funny.”
“He knew I have been stressed out and worried about him getting violent so why did he think I would take it well if he pulled that stunt on me?” I asked.
“He’s autistic,” said Christina.
“But why did he think I would take it well, how did he get that connection?” I asked.
“I don’t know.”
“That shows not all autistic people are logical,” I said. “It’s just another stereotype.”
Oh wait, maybe that is only for aspies, autistic people more on the severe end would be less logical while aspies are more logical but since they are all also different, not all of them are logical. I’m not always logical.
“There are lot of things out there about it that contradict about it and lot of stereotypes and myths.”
“And sometimes those things are true about someone with it because it’s a spectrum and everyone with it is different,” I said.
“That’s right.”
I covered myself back up.
“I am going back to bed now,” Christina padded my mattress and left my room closing my bedroom door. I laid here in the dark and held my stuffed animal. I then felt my nappy getting warm again.
I felt around for leaks. I decided I needed to get changed to avoid leaks but I didn’t want to get out of my cot again. I would just wait for Daddy.
Soon he came back and I said “Daddy?”
“Yeah hun?” he asked.
“Can you change me please.”
“Sure thing.”
Daddy got the stuff and he put the side down on my cot. He placed the changing pad under me and he pulled down my pajamas. He undid my diaper and he cleaned me up and he lifted my legs in the air. Then he put a thick nappy on me and put rash cream on me and taped the diaper on me.
“Don’t forget the plastic pants,” I said.
“I know that, does Daddy ever forget?” he asked.
He opened the drawer below me and pulled out a pair of plastic pants and put them on me and he put my pajamas bottoms back on.
“Leave the side down,” I said.
“Oh yes mummy,” he said.
He threw my nappy away and washed his hands.
The reason why I didn’t want the side up because I didn’t want to be climbing over the railing again to get out so it would be easier for me if the side stayed down and I can just get in and out of the cot like it’s a bed.
Daddy turned the light off and crawled into bed.
I tried to go to sleep again. Daddy soon eventually started to breath heavily. I knew he was a deep sleep because of it. I couldn’t get back to sleep so I got out of my cot and got on my computer and sat in the chair. I wrote in my blog again about Alex. I never call him Alex in there for privacy reasons. I just called him James as a pseudonym. I also never put photos of him online or me because of privacy too. I didn’t want to be one of those parents who puts their kids’ lives online and I didn’t want to paint Alex as a bad guy and have it ruin his future and his life because if someone had written about how violent their ASD child is, I wouldn’t want them around my child or around me. I do not like violent people. I also find it amusing when parents think they can put pictures of their kids online and use fake names for them. Hey lady you just showed a real photo of your child and now I know what he looks like and if he lived near me or attended my son’s school, there would be hell to pay. I would either demand that kid get removed from school or my kid is gone. Too bad we can’t sue here because I sure would have hell sued the school system for allowing a violent kid there endangering other peoples lives and that would have showed them. We can still sue but it’s very hard to do. They have laws about it here which is good but then it keeps me from trying to protect my kids from abuse from another child because the school failed to protect them by allowing the kid to attend there unless it was a school that was for violent kids only and they had a warning listed about it. That is what they always do in the states, have all these warnings for liability. Maybe the caption on an American flight should have said instead “Attention all passengers, we were just informed that we have a child on board and the mother just warned us that she could bite and scratch so we will not be responsible for any damage and injuries” when the mother had told the flight attendants about her autistic daughter that she could try and bite and scratch and maybe they will help her. But no he just had to land the plane in Salt Lake City and have the family removed and the mother decided to sue the airline and she didn’t want the money, she was only doing it to spread awareness on autism and to educate them about it. But when she did tell them what her daughter could do, she basically had told them her daughter is dangerous but I think the mother was just having a meltdown herself because she said that and it got perceived as a threat. I can understand she was trying to avoid her daughter having behavior issues on the flight and meltdowns and trying to prevent anyone from getting scratched or bitten and she could have meant her daughter doing that to herself or doing it to her parents because she would have seen them as a safe target to release her frustrations on.
I got finished with my blog post and posted it. I felt a little better and I was happy my baby was still moving in there. It meant he was still alive and I didn’t hurt it when I fell. I stayed up for the rest of the night and then the alarm went off and Daddy stretched and picked up his mobile phone and turned off the alarm. He stretched some more and said to me “How long have you been up?”
“Since around three,” I said.
“Why so early?” he asked.
“I couldn’t get back to sleep.”
Daddy got out of bed and he got ready for work. I remembered I would have to call Marie today to tell her about the incident. Daddy showered and then he came out and got dressed. Then he headed downstairs. I stayed on my computer. Daddy soon left and then Christina was up and her kids.
I had to face Alex again for getting him up soon for the day and taking him to the toilet and getting him dressed and fed and taking him to school. I had to force myself to get up and I got myself dressed. I had to wear a big shirt and I wore some lose trousers. I looked at my tummy in the mirror. It was huge and I lifted my shirt again and it looked smaller. I put my shirt back down and my tummy looked bigger again.
I left my bedroom and went to Alex room. I felt nervous. Christina saw me when she was walking up the stairs.
“Morning Natalie, how are you feeling?”
“Nervous,” I said.
“Oh because of what happened?”
I nodded.
“I will take over again, you just rest and I put away all the knives and anything sharp.”
“I hope he won’t use another item as a weapon,” I said. “You could use anything like a book or pans or kettles or a cup, a chair, anything. And you can push someone down the stairs or knock them into walls. Anything in this house can be used as a weapon.”
“Okay, I understand, you just go back to your room, you’re pregnant so that is why you are acting this way. You’re nesting.”
“No I’m not.”
“Natalie, you are all of a sudden worried about your child and wanting this whole home to be safe and you were doing fine before but because you are about to give birth, you are nesting so mother nature is telling you to get rid of the predator. Your instincts think Alex is the predator.”
“I wasn’t like this until he chased me with a knife.”
“Yes but would you still have reacted like you did?”
“Yes,” I said.
“You’re nesting, just trust me, you are. I will explain that to him too so he knows what you are up to and to not play any tricks on you because this is not a good time and it’s not cute or funny.”
Christina then went in Alex’s room and I went back to my bedroom. I looked around my bedroom. I had baby stuff in here already and I had to make some room to make my room look better. We already had the bassinet that my mother in law got us and it was in front of my cot. All his baby clothes were stashed in bags in the corner of my room. This house was feeling more crowded because we had nowhere to put the baby except for in our room. Then pretty soon we would have to figure out where to put the baby. Maybe share a room with Haley and Alexis but we had two year to worry about that. I went through some stuff of mine to see what I still wanted. I just organized things and threw stuff away that was recycling.

I waited until everyone left and I started to clean and I ignored the discomforts down there. I had to be tough and do some work around the house. I too out some trash from all the bathrooms. I did some laundry and I noticed I hadn’t even eaten anything yet. But I was too lazy to eat and I didn’t even have an appetite anyway. My nappy was also wet too from the pee and I felt some cramping in my butthole. I also took out the recycling and I was wiping the walls in the staircase when I heard the phone ring. I answered it. “Hello?”
“Hey baby girl,” said Daddy. “I wanted to see what you are up to?”
“I’m doing some cleaning,” I said.
“I want you to take it easy and not work too hard. If you feel too tired, just rest will you?”
“Okay,” I said.
“I love you and I just wanted to see how you were doing, are you feeling any better?”
“I am still sore and uncomfortable and I can’t wait for this baby to come,” I said
“I know honey but hang in there and just take a rest, I got to get back to work now, love you and bye.”
He hung up and I went back to cleaning the spots off the wall.
Then I had something to eat and I took my prenatal pills and iron and took a stool softener. Then I was on my computer again and I had my Nintendo 3DS with me.
The poop stuck inside of my butt was really uncomfortable and I could feel it trying to come out so I gave it a push. I took off my clothes and pushed as hard as I could to make it come out. I was standing and I was squatting and I was pushing really hard. I could feel it coming out. Once I gave it a big push, the rest came out on its own and I felt so much better getting rid of the cramping in my butt. Then I sat back down and I would wait to see if more would come out before I change out of this wet nappy.
I played my Nintendo 3DS and I felt my nappy getting wetter. I kept playing and later I felt poop come out of me and it felt so good to have it all come out. I stayed in the mess for another half hour and then I got up to change. I had to get a clean nappy and I grabbed another thick one I use for at night. I grabbed my rash cream and wipes and took them in the bathroom with me. I got myself undressed and I took off my bra too and my socks. I took off my nappy and I cleaned myself up and I threw it away in the nappy pail with my other used nappies. I would be putting my son’s in there too when he comes. He moved inside of me again and started kicking. Luckily it didn’t hurt this time. I could just feel the kicking and they were like twitches or spasms and sometimes I still feel tightness up against my uterus.
I stood on the scale and I weighed 160 lbs. I felt so fat from this. When was the last time I ever weighed that much? Oh middle school when my body changed. Then I lost ten pounds and then twenty more. I even have some stretch marks from it and it was pills I was on that caused the weight gain and then I lost it when Mum and Dad took me off them because it was making me put on weight so it wasn’t just due to puberty and the pills were for my hormones and anxiety and it was to keep me calmer and less aggressive from my outbursts. Now I have grown out of those issues because I am not on any medicine except prenatal pills and iron and stool softener.
I put my clean nappy on and got dressed again. I rested in my cot. My baby still moved in there and I could feel him moving in there and pushing his body parts against my uterus I had to hold myself there reduce the pain. Then when I laid on my front, the baby pushed more in there and was pushing against the uterus wall aggressively like it was trying to push me up. I laid to my side again and the feeling stopped. I laid on my front again and the baby did it again. I decided it was my laying on my front that was making him do it. I stayed on my side again and kept on resting.
Then my mobile phone rang and it was Christina calling. I answered it. “Hello?”
“Natalie, you need to pick Alex up, I am at work,” said Christina.
“Okay,” I sighed.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I’m sore and I’m tired,” I said. “This baby inside of me.”
“I know, but hang in there, I bet you will have that baby by next week.”
“You said that last week,” I said. “I bet you will say it again next week.”
“I know but it’s getting real close just by how you are acting. Don’t forget to get your son and Gailand will be home with my girls and Steven should be home too and he will take care of Alex for you. I gotta go now, I just wanted to call to let you know you are picking your son up so he isn’t left there.”
“Bye,” I said.
“Bye,” said Christina and she hung up.
I hung up too and put my phone down. I rested a little bit more and then I had to get up to get Alex. I felt very uncomfortable standing. I felt lot of pressure down there. I brushed my teeth and I got myself ready and I left in my car.
When I got to the school, I got out and walked into the building. I felt like an obese woman making herself moving her big lard ass across the parking lot and into the building. I went to my son’s classroom. I felt nervous so I rubbed my hands together and wrung my wrists. I got closer and closer and I slowly walked in and I was still playing with my hands.
I saw Mrs. Bruen.
“Natalie, I need to talk to you,” she said.
I felt anxious more. I wonder what had happened. Did Alex do something bad?
“Your cousin told me about the knife incident this morning when she brought him here,” said Mrs. Bruen.
I realized I had never called Marie.
“I worked on social stories about it with him and showed him how you felt with the picture but he says you say he is always violent with you.”
“That is always my worry,” I said.
“Has he been aggressive?”
“Only last night,” I said.
“So he has not done anything aggressive to you?” Mrs. Bruen asked.
“No,” I said. “But it’s always my fear so I have a social worker that comes by and I go see a psychologist for my anxiety and my intrusive thoughts and everyone is helping me out at home and then he lunged at me with a knife and that was very frightening I thought he wanted to hurt me.”
I was so glad Alex hadn’t done any other attacks on me. I have had a couple nightmares about it already. A couple months ago I dreamt he started beating on me with the broom and kicking me and I couldn’t get up because he was too big for me and I was also pregnant in my dream and I was on the floor crying while he was beating me on the back with it very hard. It was like that video I saw with Kelli Stapleton in it being beaten by her daughter who was then thirteen. Issy still gives me the creeps when I think about her or even see a picture of her. That is always my biggest fear about Alex turning into her even though that is very rare with autistic children to be that violent. Those ones are only in the minority of the whole autism population. But why was I still worried about that in Alex?
“Yeah I told him about knives and how dangerous they are and we used social stories about it,” said Mrs. Bruen. “We can keep working on it if you like.”
“That’s sounds good,” I said.
Mrs. Bruen talked a little more and then I got Alex and we left.
I forced myself across the school floor with Alex and out into the parking lot to my car. Then I had to buckle him in and I felt like a fat lady doing all this. Then I got in the driver’s side and buckled myself in. I went home and when I got back, I let Alex out of his seat and I took him inside. I pushed the lock button on keys and the car locked. I took off my coat and hung it up in the cupboard which they call a closet here.
Christina and Daddy were still gone so I had Alex to take care of. I had to give him his snack as he always expects or he will get very upset and have behavior problems. I had to suffer through the misery of my baby on my feet. I felt like I was waddling because of the baby down there. This was worse ever than with Alex inside of me. Mine never felt this uncomfortable ever.
After I gave Alex his snack, I went upstairs and grabbed my computer and brought it back down and sat. I felt so much better sitting.
Then when Alex was done, I had a mess to clean up but I was too lazy to get up. I didn’t have the mental energy to do it. I was also in a grumpy mood and I was easily irritated by any interruptions and I felt so tense inside. Then Alex came in the room and pulled at me and I reacted to it and screamed at him and pushed him away.
“What’s going on?” Gailand asked.
“Oh he was grabbing at me and I am sore when I get up,” I said.
“Maybe he is trying to get your attention,” she suggested.
Alex was making funny noise. I put my computer down and it took me a few attempts to try and get up so Gailed helped me up. I felt worse when I stood. This was hell I was going through.
“What do you want?” I asked Alex.
I felt crabby. I also felt short with patience. Gailand had left me to fend for myself. I wished she could help but I knew it wasn’t her responsibility.
“What do you want Alex, I am sore so don’t keep me standing,” I said. “Also please do your weird behavior in your room so I wouldn’t have to listen to it.”
He acted out more and I took my computer and went upstairs to get away from it. I went in my bedroom and hid, well not literally. I sat in my chair again and rested. I felt like a horrible mother. I could hear Alex down there and I just stayed put resting. Gailand then called me and told me to come out and take care of my son.
“What is he doing besides making noise?” I shouted.
“He is wandering around and hitting his head and I don’t think you should leave him alone.”
I looked on my computer and Gailand called me again and there I was flapping my hands again because I was so tense from her bothering me. I couldn’t relax anymore. I had guilt for not leaving my room. I was also worried she would bother me again.
“Natalie?” Gailand called.
I started to rock and I caught myself making a funny sound.
Then she didn’t bother me again and I still heard Alex. Then Gailand knocked on my door telling me Daddy wanted to talk to me. I forced myself to get up and I forced my “lard ass” across the bedroom and to the door and I answered me. Gailand had her mobile phone in her hand. She held it out to me and I took it. “Hello?”
“Natalie, you need to try and take care of Alex.”
“I feel exhausted when I move,” I said.
“I know honey but I will be home early and you can rest then but for right now you need to be a parent until one of us gets back, it’s not her job to take care of your son. Do what Daddy says or you will get a punishment when I get home?”
“What’s the punishment.”
“Oh I don’t know but I will think of one before I get home.”
I always hate the unknown.
“I will be home soon okay, you take care of your son now and if I come home and find you hadn’t done it, you will be punished, bye bye.”
We hung up and I gave my phone back to Gailand.
Oh my, did I ask what the punishment was in front of her? Hopefully she didn’t know what I was talking about.
She took her phone back and headed downstairs. I had to force my “lard ass” down the stairs. I scooped my “lard ass” down the stairs. Then I got up and went in the living room.
“Alex,” I called. “Let’s head into your room together.”
But he didn’t listen so I just sat in another chair. I felt so much better again. I also felt bored. I could hear Gailand in the kitchen and Haley and Alexis were not down here. “Natalie, you’re down here?” Gailand asked.
“Yes,” I said.
I ignored Alex and kept on resting. Gailand checked on us and saw me in the chair. I was leaning in it and had my legs over one of the arms having them hanging over. I rested my head on top of the cushion on the chair. Then Gailand was taking care of Alex for me and she got him to communicate on his tablet.
“You’re thirsty, I will get you some water then,” said Gailand.
“Natalie he was only thirsty,” she said.
She went in the kitchen and got him a cup of water in his usual cup he always has it in. Alex took a drink out of it and Gailand asked him if he needed anything else and to tell her on his tablet. Alex flapped his hand in the air and then he started tapping on his tablet. “Too much change.”
“Yeah I know, your mother isn’t feeling well and the new baby will be here.”
Alex started to screech and he flapped his hands more and walked around in circles.
I couldn’t wait to have this darn baby and then I wouldn’t feel like a lard ass anymore. I also felt like a cow. I felt him moving inside there again. I rested my arm on my belly to feel him.

Soon Daddy came home and he took over and told me to go rest in our room. I got up and forced myself up the stairs again. I felt so much better when I got back to my room and rested in the chair again.

Christina came home around six and Daddy fed me dinner and he took the plate when he came up later. My nappy needed to be changed again. I waited for Daddy again. I wanted to shower but decided I would do it tomorrow because I felt too lazy to do it. I called for Daddy but I called him by his real name of course. I didn’t want my son or my cousin and her kids to know I call him Daddy or know he is my Daddy.
Daddy came up and came in our room.
“I need my nappy changed,” I said.
“Can you do it yourself?” he asked.
“Daddy,” I cried.
“Oh alright,” he said.
He got out a clean nappy. He grabbed a night time one. He got the wipes and rash cream and changing pad. He placed it on his bed and told me to come here. I got up and forced myself to move again and I laid on the changing pad. Daddy pulled my trousers down and took off my nappy. He cleaned me up and I felt short of breath from the baby. It made me feel fat. Then Daddy put the clean nappy under me and he rubbed rash cream on me and wiped it on the nappy. Then he pulled it up between my legs and taped it closed.
“Now I want my pajamas on,” I said.
He picked up my pajamas and told me to take off my top.
“I want you to do it, you’re the Daddy,” I said.
“Okay, sit up little girl.”
I sat up and Daddy told me to lift my arms. I lifted them and he took my shirt off. Then he got my top on and got my bottoms on too and he had me stand up so he could pull them up.
“God how do you feel about having a pregnant baby girl?” I asked.
“I like it,” he said. “My baby girl will have a new doll to play with.”
“Except you can’t just put it away when you are done with it. You also can’t throw it or toss it or kick it or carry it by it’s head or legs or arms,” I said.
“I’m just role playing,” he said.
“I was serious; how do you feel about your little girl having a baby?” I asked again for a serious answer.
“I like it,” he said again. “I am having a baby with you, our very own together.”
“Are you worried about it being like Alex?” I asked.
“Maybe a little.”
“What if he was?”
“Then we do and we will have to deal with it and try our best.”
“Are you worried about me?”
“No because I will be helping you and we will get more help if we have to.”
“How?”
“Social workers and you will be on your meds again.”
“But I will be breast feeding,” I said.
“You will start again after you’re finished.”
He let me go back to my computer after throwing my nappy away.


The next day I felt the same, still crampy and it was very uncomfortable when I stood up. I had to go to my 38-week check-up for prenatal care. I had to bring Alex to school and then go home. I was only home for forty minutes when I had to leave again for my appointment.
I arrived at my appointment and I had to walk all the way around to get in the building because there were no parking spots in front of the building. It was hard with this baby. I now wished we had expectant mother spots and maybe I did need a handicapped parking permit. I walked into the building when I got there and went to the part where I was seeing my doctor. I waited in line and then the receptionist looked at me. I had learned to look at them because they will never say “Next in line” or wave their hand in the air saying something like “okay I am ready for the next person” and their nonverbal cues will be them looking at me and I have to look at them to have them tell me non verbally they were ready to see the next person in line and I would have no way of knowing if I am not looking at either of them. In the past people have had to get my attention and tell me the person was calling me. I used to freeze and wonder if they were telling me they were ready or if they were just looking at me and now I don’t worry about that anymore, I just walk to them when they look at me. I am sure they will just tell me to stay if they were not ready.
I walked up to the receptionist.
“Name?” she asked.
“Natalia Wilums,” I said.
“Date of birth?”
“Twenty-two, two, eighty-five.”
She looked it up and saw the screen. “You’re here to see Dr. Arthur Whitell for prenatal care and your appointment is at eleven thirty,” she said. “You’re all checked in and have a seat and they will call you on the left side,” she pointed.
I saw her pointing and I walked that direction. I remembered to say thanks.
I saw down and I felt so much better sitting.
I took out my Nintendo 3DS and looked at it. I played Pokemon Picross. I did the daily challenge to earn more Picrites. Then when I was done, I did Pokemon Shuffle. These two are my top games for right now and Nintendo Badge Arcade. I played one of the level up challenges in the special stages. I was at level fifty and couldn’t get past it because I didn’t want to spend any of my coins and I was up to eighty-seven hearts. I had gone up to ninety-nine and used some of them for the last level up challenging Pokemon stage in the special courses.
Then my name was called.
I closed my 3DS and grabbed my nappy bag and got out of the chair. I followed the guy through the door and he weighed me on the scale. Then I was measured and I put my shoes back on and grabbed my coat and nappy bag and followed him into a check-up office. I sat in a chair again.
The man sat at the computer.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
I told him the truth. Hospitals are no place for small talk and when people there ask how you are, they really mean it. I told him how I am sore and it hurts when I stand and how I feel crampy down there and I always feel lazy like I don’t want to do anything and I just want to sit and do nothing. It’s so hard to move around when I am on my feet but when I sit, I feel better.
“The baby is dropping so you are feeling pressure down there,” he said.
“I can’t wait for him to come out,” I said.
He then got up and checked my blood pressure and temperature and breathing. Then he put the information in the computer. Then he logged off and told me my real doctor will be in here soon.
I then had to wait again. I just played on my 3DS again.
Soon there was a knock on the door and I said "Come in."
Dr. Whitell came in and said “Hi, how are you feeling today?”
I didn’t want to repeat myself again so I just said “Sore.”
I also remembered to look at him and smile. Then I looked away. I still gets shy with eye contact but I have no problem doing it to my Daddy and Alex and people I know. I still can’t look at my co-workers well and when I do, I see their hands moving or their body or their hair or their noses or their cheeks, their mouth, their ears, their shirts, their pants, but that is still eye contact right? It took me about two years after remembering to do it every time I talk and when they talk to me but I still can’t look at their eyes. It still feels like prickly branches and I feel threatened. But at least no one tells me to look at them. What got me to start doing eye contact, not remembering what people looked like and I didn’t like talking to floors and walls and I got tired of thinking someone was talking to me only to turn out they were on their phone or talking to someone else. Also I will get to know if they are talking to me because they will be looking at me so I have to look at them if I talk to them so they turn their faces and see me and know I am speaking to them because of eye contact or otherwise they will wonder who am I speaking to. Now it feels automatic. I had gotten into this habit and it’s on auto pilot. But still when it’s someone new like this doctor because he is not in my normal life, I find it harder to look at him. I don’t think it’s anxiety or me being nervous. I feel nervous if I have to look at him. Then when he catches me looking at him, I have to look away. I am often looking at things in the room or at what he has on or at the computer or his fingers moving on the keyboard.
“I bet,” said Dr. Whitell responding to my answer. “You are carrying all that weight in your stomach.”
I saw him go on the computer. He checked my chart and saw my weight and height and blood pressure. “Still a little low but good,” he said. “Any bleeding?”
“No,” I said.
“Any gush or fluids leaking out?”
“No.”
“And you’re on iron and prenatal, any other medicine?”
“No.”
“Any contractions?”
“I think so but I am not sure. I am always crampy and I feel worse when I stand.”
“What do you feel?”
“Like I have a lot of cramps and when I stand, it feels worse down there, more cramping and it feels different than having menstrual cramps.”
“Any smoking in your home?”
“No.”
“Any smoking from you?”
“No.”
“Any drinking?”
“No.”
“Any domestic abuse in the home?”
“No.”
“Good. Good.”
Then he logged off and got up and said, “Hop up on the table here.”
I got up and I climbed onto the table. It’s not a real table of course, it’s one of those beds you see in offices for check-ups. He told me to lift my shirt so I did. He put some rubber gloves on and felt my breasts and then he felt my belly. He felt for the head and said “He is way down there. No wonder you’re feeling a lot of pressure.”
“I hope he comes out before next week,” I said. “This is a torture.”
Then he took a measuring paper strip and measured the baby and said “About fifty-two centimeters.”
“How many inches is that?” I asked.
“About twenty,” he said.
Then he left and came back with a Doppler.
He rubbed jelly on my belly and he turned on the Doppler. It made loud fuzzy sounds. He put the Doppler on my tummy and right away I heard my baby’s heartbeat.
“Very good,” he said.
He rubbed the gel off my tummy.
“We now need to schedule you a next week’s appointment,” he said. He got on the computer again.
I put my shirt back on and sat up.
When he was done he left and came back with some papers and told me I was good to go. I left and went to check out and I schedule my appointment for Wednesday, March 16th.
Then I was checked out and I left the building and walked to my car. I had to walk all the way around to the other parking lot and I felt uncomfortable doing it. I felt like I was waddling because of the baby being down so low. I wished he had dropped right before my delivery.
I felt so much better when I got in my car and I drove home and rested. I didn’t even clean even though I was supposed to. I just rested in my cot with the rail down. I didn’t have to climb in and out of it anymore and even at night I slept with it down.
I kept my mobile phone with me so I would know what time it is. I closed my eyes and rested. I felt so much better and normal because I was cramp free. All I could feel was the baby inside of me. I felt him moving in there and it was like a twitch inside. I could feel him pushing on the wall of my uterus where my arm is. I figured it was his foot he was using to push and he legs or arm. But I felt it towards my rib cage so it had to be the feet and legs.
I wet my nappy several times in bed and I had to change because I hadn’t since this morning. I had to force myself to get up and I really wished Daddy were here to do it. I felt uncomfortable again when I stood and I waddled to the wardrobe and took out a nappy. I changed in the bathroom and I saw the nappy pail needed to be emptied. I wasn’t going to take it all out and carry it all the way down the stairs and outside. I felt my nappy as put a clean one on since it was hard to see what I am doing. I shoved the wet nappy in the diaper pail and pushed it all down and washed my hands. I went back in the bedroom and rested some more.
When it got time to get Alex again, I got out of bed and got my trousers back on and got my nappy bag and got my shoes on and left.
When I picked him up, the staff assistants there were nice by helping me get Alex to the car but he was acting up because of the change in his routine I think. Instead of just me being with him, it was another teacher with him because of the kind of condition I am in.
“You don’t look so well,” said Mrs. Banker.
I had to think of what to say. I looked at her and she was looking at me so I knew she was talking to me.
“Yeah,” I said.
“I can tell because of how big your tummy has gotten and you are not walking the same so you are carrying all that weight.”
I imagined the baby dropping out of me but the nappy would be holding him in place and I wonder what would happen if the baby slipped out of me with my nappy and trousers still on?
When we got to my car, Mrs. Banker headed back and I was now having a hard time with Alex so I just leaned against my car and rested. Parents were coming and going and not one offered to step in to help. Couldn’t they see I was pregnant and tired and uncomfortable? No they were just too busy with their kids and getting them home they weren’t even paying attention and they are probably used to these moments from their own children so it wouldn’t be anything new when they see Alex doing it. I wondered if me walking back inside and then us walking out, just the both of us together would fix the issue. I felt real anxious and stressed out. I just tapped on my shoulder and played with my ear. I wanted to call Christina or Daddy but I didn’t want to interfere. I felt like crying too. I remembered Marie. I called her number instead. Instead I got was her voice box. I just hung up. I hated leaving messages and I bet by the time she responds; this whole thing would be over. I didn’t know how long it would take. I decided to try and get him in the car so when I grabbed him, he got rough with me and was then screaming harder and pushed me and I fell on the ground. I saw the ground close to my face. He had never knocked me off my feet but because I am pregnant, my balance was off. I just stayed on the ground. It was dry anyway and so was the weather. But me being on the ground got some attention because a person was walking over.
“Are you alright ma’am?”
I didn’t know what to say. I heard the words but couldn’t seem to process it.
The person walked up to me and got down on the ground. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I finally said.
She looked at my son and still stayed staring ahead. I was thinking about my baby and if he will be alright. I did hit the ground but I had landed on my back and hands so I felt that pain only. I think he was okay because I could still feel him moving inside of here.
“Do you need help?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said. “I can’t do this alone.”
She rushed inside and I just sat here on the ground. I forced myself to get up and I waited in the car. I had to pay attention to Alex to make sure he didn’t go very far. He wandered in the parking lot and then more people came out again including Mrs. Bruen.
It was a day I had getting my son and very stressful. It took a while for all of us to get him to adjust and trying to explain to him that I am pregnant so it’s very hard for me to move and walk and we know how hard this all is for him. I just sat out and let them deal with him. I just played with the stylus pin on my 3DS taking it in and out of the system. I also felt tired so I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes. Then I was woken up and offered to rest in one of the rooms where they had tables for kids to rest. I moved to that room and rested. I just hugged my arms and hands. I rested and soon I was surprised when the door open and in came Daddy.
“Natalia,” he said.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“They called me and told me what was going on so I took a cab straight here and luckily the driver me a huge discount when I told him what was going on. We got Alex out to the car and he is now resting because he pooped himself out, you ready?”
I got up and picked up my coat and nappy bag and left. Daddy drove home and I just rested in the passenger seat. When we got back, Daddy helped Alex inside and so did Gailand while I was told to just rest. I went straight up to my room and got on my computer resting in the chair. I felt exhausted from getting my son at school.
I fell asleep in my chair again because I woke up to Daddy taking my computer and he decided to get me to my cot. He got me undressed and put my pajamas on and he changed my nappy and put me to bed. He left the side down again like I always wanted now. I yawned and closed my eyes.

I woke up the next day in my cot. I rested and tried to get back to sleep. My nappy was soaking wet. I felt it and felt a little horny from all the pee I did in it. I also didn’t feel good down there and in my butt. I gave it a push and I sweated a little. I lifted the covers off me and kept on pushing. I felt it coming out and I grunted and pushed. I couldn’t wait until I had this baby.
I felt better after the poop came out and then my nappy felt squishy in the middle. I could hear everyone downstairs, the TV going, people moving around, Christina talking, the kids playing.
“Alex,” I heard Christina say.
I sat up in my cot and got up. I felt really uncomfortable when I stood up and I had to change my nappy. I felt pressure way down low in my belly and it was a very crampy feeling. I also felt fat and obese. I looked in the mirror and lifted my shirt and there was my huge belly still stretchmark free. I grabbed a clean nappy and went in the bathroom. I took off my pajamas and I removed my nappy and let the poop drop into the nappy from my skin where it stuck to. Then I sat on the toilet and cleaned myself up. It smelled. After I got done, my hands smelled like poop. I flushed the toilet and had thrown all the wipes in the wastebasket. I stood on the scale and it said 160.2. Then I got my clean diaper on and put my pajamas back on and got on the computer sitting in the chair again. I would go downstairs later. I checked the forums and wrote a little post in my blog about pooping my nappy in my cot and how I can’t wait for this baby to come out because I am sick of the constipation and the cramping and my legs being sore and the Charlie horses and my legs cramping. It was never like this with Alex. Instead my legs only got tired from being on them for about two hours straight and that was it.
I just repeated the same stuff I did online over and over, checking Daily Diapers, checking Reddit, Checking Wrongplanet, checking my emails, checking ADISC. It was all repetitive and then I decided to get off and go downstairs so I wouldn’t feel like a lazy parent. I scooted my fanny down the stairs and got up and walked into the living room.
“Morning, how are you feeling?” Christina asked me.
“I am so uncomfortable when I stand,” I said.
I waddled into the kitchen.
“Do you want anything? Tea, toast with jam, cereal?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
I just sat down and rested. Christina went in the kitchen anyway. TV was on and Nicktoons was playing.
Then Christina brought a plate out to me and a cup of tea. I took it and she said “Do I get a thank you?”
“Thank you,” I said.
She laughed.
I ate my toast with jam and I had some tea.
Then I got up and brought the plate to the kitchen and I felt the cramps. I was holding my back as I walked back in the living room.
“I think you will have your baby any day now,” said Christina.
Yeah right.
I went back upstairs and I wanted to sit again. I got my computer and brought it down. I scooted down the stairs again with my laptop in my right arm. Then I got up and went in the living room and sat down.
I watched Spongebob on TV. I didn’t mind him. I used to watch him a lot in my teens and then I lost interest when I moved to the UK and haven’t watched much TV. My life revolves around my Nintendo 3DS and my computer. I could live without cable but everyone else in the home wants it and Christina thinks kids need cable. Another yeah right. I knew kids in my neighborhood back in Washington as a kid who had no cable and they did fine. They survived. Daddy wants cable just to watch some sports on it. We didn’t get sport channels in our home growing up and we also survived.

Later Christina decided she wanted to take the kids out and she wanted to bring Alex along just so I could relax and rest and not have to worry about him. I was relieved. I didn’t like making him a lunch or a snack I just went up the stairs and back to my room with the computer. I plugged it back in. I could hear the kids getting ready and Christina talking. I also heard her girls talking. Alex made some sounds. I felt cramping down there and in my belly and I just ignored it.
I heard Christina taking Alex to the toilet. I had forgotten about that because I am so uncomfortable and it would be hard getting him to the toilet.
I felt so fat like I was obese. I pressed on my firm belly and felt the baby inside there. He still didn’t have a name. I watched some youtube videos to pass time.
Christina came in my room and said “We are taking off now, call me if you need anything.”
“Okay,” I said.
She closed the door and I heard her go downstairs.
I continued watching the video.

Soon my mobile phone rang so I had to force myself to get up. I walked to the dresser and picked up the phone and it was Daddy calling. I had missed his call so I called him back. I sat on his bed and laid down to rest. My nappy needed to be changed again.
Daddy answered his phone. “Hello?”
“Hey you called,” I said.
“Yeah, Christina called and told me she took all the kids out so you can rest and enjoy your day alone and not have to worry about Alex so I will be working late since you are alone. But call me if you need anything. I love you and I will see you at eight.”
“Bye,” I said.
“Bye,” and he hung up.
I changed my nappy again and it was very uncomfortable doing it. I felt like an obese person changing her own nappy. The pressure was strong down there and the cramping.
After I got done changing, my nappies were all piled on top of the nappy pail because Daddy had forgotten to take them out for me. I just closed the bathroom door to keep the smell in. I didn’t want our whole bedroom to smell.
I got back on the computer and did the forums again. I was so bored I went back to Intensity Squared. I logged in and checked out what threads were there and reading a few of them that sparked my interest.
The cramping did go away and I felt fine again and then it would come back.
Christina was gone for the rest of the day and she hadn’t called so I figured everything was going okay. It was late afternoon and the cramps had come and went. I didn’t do much house work because I was too uncomfortable and I felt pressure when I stood up. I knew I had to get some things done and I felt weak for not doing anything. I had to be strong, even women back in the days who worked the fields worked until they had the baby. I wonder if they worked through labor too or worked when they were this uncomfortable. I managed to get the floor swept again and I didn’t bother vacuuming. I wiped the kitchen counters and did the dishes and I rested again. I felt normal once again. But I would still feel cramping off and on like I was having my period. I listened to music on youtube and listened to a same song over and over while I read on Daily Diapers.
I felt more uncomfortable when the evening came and Christina and the kids were still gone and so was Daddy. The cramps were never going away when I sat and stood. I just ignored them. I watched the youtube video on Mario & Luigi Paper Jam Bros. I ignored the pain in my belly. They came and went and then they would last longer. The pain got bigger and longer and then I stood up and I rested on Daddy’s bed. No one was home yet but I didn’t care. I just held my belly and waited for the pain to quit. These Braxton hicks were annoying. I wasn’t sure if I was to ignore them or call Christina or my doctor. I got up and went back to my computer and looked online about labor and Braxton hicks. I read about them and I was not sure if I was going into true labor or false labor so I decided to wait longer. I tried to move positions seeing if they will go away and I even waited to see if the pain gets less or get further apart but they were getting closer and closer and stronger. I think I was in labor. Yippee. I looked for my mobile phone and picked it up and called Christina. I didn’t even have my bag packed so if I was in labor, I was going to have to do it in this condition.
Christina answered. “Hello?”
“Christina, I don’t know if I am in labor or not,” I said. “I am in lot of pain.”
“What are you feeling?” she asked.
“Very bad period cramps and they are getting sharper,” I said.
“Do they come and go”
“I don’t know, they are more frequent now and I don’t know if they are going away,” I said.
“Are the contractions closer together?”
“I think so,” I said.
“Natalie, this is what you have to do, just take deep breaths, is Steven there?”
“No,” I said.
“Call him and I will be on our way, hold on, just gather your things to bring to the hospital and I will be there to get you.”
“What about the kids?” I asked.
“Steven can stay and watch them or I will get our neighbor to watch until he gets back or until I get back, I’ll figure it out on the way, just hand in there.”
After she hung up, I started to get my things ready. I moaned and breathed hard from the sharp pain. They felt like really really bad period cramps. I felt pressure down there too in my pelvis but I had to pack and be strong. I gathered a couple packs of nappies, I got my pajamas and clothes and picked out a couple new born outfits for my son to wear, I also packed my Nintendo 3DS and some games and my computer and the cord and I also packed my 3DS charger and Kindle and the charger. I also gathered my bathroom things and my rash cream and wipes. I got done packing and I called Christina back.
“When will you be here, I think I am in labor, because it’s even worse.”
“We are on our way, it should be about an hour.”
“An hour, I hope I will last.”
“I called Steven and he is on his way too. Just hang in there.”
After she hung up again, I was in intense pain. I breathed hard and moaned and I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t drive like this either so I stayed. I was even too shy to go next door and ask anyone to take me to the hospital. I felt stuck in the mud. The thought of doing it made me feel anxious inside. There was no way I could go over there and knock on their door and say “Hi I am in labor, can you take me to the hospital?”
I picked up my phone again and called the hospital. I told them I was in labor and they said they had room for me and said to come right in and asked if I had a ride.
“They’re on their way,” I said.
“How long will it be until they get there?” the nurse asked.
“An hour,” I guessed.
“How bad are the contractions?”
“Very bad,” I said.
“Rate it on the scale one to ten, ten is the worst and five is in the middle and one is mild.”
“I’d say more than ten,” I said.
“How far apart are the contractions?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are they very close like five minutes apart.”
“No, more like twenty seconds.”
“Oh boy, looks like the baby is going to come any moment now, can you feel down there to see if you are crowning.”
“No because I have on my trousers.”
“Can you reach in them and feel.
“Hold on.”
I set the phone down and pulled down my trousers and I reached my hand inside my nappy and felt my vagina area. Then I picked up the phone.
“No, I feel nothing.”
“Okay so the baby still hasn’t passed in the canal yet, can I ask how long you have been in labor?”
“I don’t know.”
“Just take a guess.”
I didn’t know why she was asking me all these things, I didn’t know when labor started because it was all gradual and I had been uncomfortable for a while so it made it impossible for me to tell when it started.
“Honestly I don’t know because I had been having Braxton Hicks for about a week so I have no idea when my real labor started.”
“Okay when did it start to get real uncomfortable?”
“Around six PM,” I said.
The time was now eight and I was in lot of pain. I felt like I was going to cry. I even started pooping. Great now how was I going to change in this condition.
She kept me on the line and I saw Christina was calling me again.
“My cousin is calling,” I said.
“Is she on her way?” the nurse asked again.
“Yes but she is calling me for some reason.”
“We can get you an ambulance if you don’t have a ride.”
“No they are on their way,” I said.
“We can get to you quicker and we will bring you to the hospital. What is your address?”
I wasn’t sure what to do, Christina had called and I hadn’t heard anyone home yet.
Then I felt myself wetting my diaper but I could tell it was not me peeing.
“My water just broke,” I said.
“That’s okay, your body will just keep making the fluid, do you have anything to soak it up, you might keep leaking until the baby is born?”
“Yes,” I said.
I wore nappies so it didn’t matter. Now my nappy was filled with the fluid and good thing I am incontinent or else I would have gotten my trousers wet and Daddy’s bed.
“That is good.”
Then I felt something down there, even more pressure.
“The pressure feels stronger it feels I can barely move,” I said.
“You might be crowning; we won’t make it to you in time if you are,” said the nurse.
I dropped my phone on the bed and took off my trousers. It felt very painful to sit on my bottom and my back was hurting too from all the pressure and my pelvis was very uncomfortable. I felt if I stood up, it was going to be painful. I reached inside my nappy and I felt dizzy at the same time like I was going to pass out. I was sweating buckets and was also moaning. I reached inside my nappy and I felt something weird. I took more deep breaths and I pulled out my hand and fell on my back. I saw mucus and blood and poop on my hand. I wiped it on myself and picked up the phone again. “The baby is coming.”
My heart started to beat and I felt intense anxiety. I was at home and my baby was coming and I was alone.
“Okay, what you have to do is get on your back and hold your legs up and push whenever you feel a contraction.”
She wanted me to have my baby right now. I didn’t want to have it on Daddy’s bed getting it all messy so I made myself get off the bed. I felt intense pressure so I crawled to the bathroom with the phone in my hand. I felt very dizzy and light headed and my heart was beating. It hurt like hell with the baby in my birth canal trying to come out. My body was contracting strongly. I could hear the nurse’s voice.
“How could this have happened so quickly,” I cried.
I made myself crawl faster to get there quicker. I had to open the bathroom door and I crawled in there with the baby wanting to come out.
“Please stay in,” I said.
I could feel the intense pressure still and it hurt to make myself move and climb into the tub. I flopped in it on my back. I kept on breathing.
I put the phone to my ear.
“I feel like I am going to pass out.”
“You might be dehydrated,” said the nurse. “I just sent someone over right now, they should be there quickly. Is your door unlocked?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
I could not remember if the door was locked or not.
“You need to push when you feel the contraction.”
I undid the tabs on my nappy so the baby would have room to come out. I gave it a push and nothing came out. I felt another strong contraction and I pushed again and nothing came out.
Feeling all light headed and like I was going to faint, I pushed even harder as hard as I could and then I heard a baby cry. I looked down and there was my son laying in the tub in front of me with the cord still attached to him.
I felt very dizzy and I was breathing very fast. I was so glad the pain was over and the baby was laying in the bath tub crying. I took off my dirty shirt and bra and picked him up and held him in my arms. I picked the phone back up. “I just had him.”
“Congratulations, your baby sounds very healthy and it was born,” there was a pause, “twenty thirty-two,” said the nurse.
There was a pause and my new son was crying in my arms.
“Let me know when they get there and I will let you go,” said the nurse.
“What do I do with my baby now?” I asked.
“Just hold him.”
“But what about the cord?”
“Just leave it, they will take care of it when they get there.”
“it won’t hurt the baby will it?”
“No it won’t.”
I rested and relaxed. I still felt some contractions but they were mild now so I didn’t care and then I felt something slipping out of me and I gave it a push and there was my placenta. It was huge. Then I heard a knock downstairs and door opening. “Hello,” I heard a man’s voice.”
“I think they’re here,” I said in the phone.
“Up here,” I shouted.
“I will stay here until you tell me they are them,” said the nurse.
My son was crying in my arms and they came up and kept calling “Hello?” and I kept shouting “In here.”
The bedroom door open and in came the paramedics.
“It’s them,” I said.
“Okay, take care,” and the line was dead.
I put the phone on the floor.
They started to help me. They brought in the stuff and they cut the umbilical cord and they took the placenta and stuck in in a yellow bag, they gave me fluids to drink.
“Hello?” I heard Christina’s voice.
She came upstairs and came in the bathroom.
“He couldn’t wait huh?” she asked.
“I guess my body just wanted to get rid of him because I had been so uncomfortable,” I said.
“You need to get to the hospital,” said one of the paramedics.
They wrapped my baby up and Christina helped me get ready to go. I washed the poop off me, wiped my whole body using a wet towel, washed my hands, and I put my messy bloody nappy in the nappy pail. I let Christina put a clean nappy on me but I had to help her with it because I liked it on a certain way and it had to be right. I put clean clothes on and grabbed my nappies. Christina grabbed my bag with my stuff in it and I headed to the hospital. She stayed behind with the kids while I went with the paramedics.
I looked at my son again and I uncovered him and he already had on a nappy. He was so tiny and I nursed.
“You came very fast,” I said to him. “You were also very rough with me but I forgive you.”
I studied his tiny face and his tiny eyes and ears and nose and hands and his head. He was so cute and I could hear him breathing and he had his eyes closed.

When we got to the hospital, I was taken out of the ambulance and brought up to my room. I walked because I felt fine and full of energy. In my first one, I felt apathetic and didn’t have any mental energy at all to move but this time I felt normal because I had done a natural delivery than having an epidural. I was going to have one again but instead this happened. My bag was brought along too and my nappies. They had to take my baby and they measured him and weighed him.
“Do you know when the baby was born?” one of the doctors asked.
I remembered the time. “Eighteen twenty-two.”
“They have it right here,” said another doctor.
The female doctor looked and wrote it down. While my son was being taken care of, I was being taken care of. My prenatal doctor was on his way and I was given fore fluids. I was also given a shot. I also felt very nauseated like I was going to throw up and I felt hot flashes. I kept myself uncovered and there was my nappy exposed. I no longer had on my clothes and I only had on a hospital gown. I sat on the delivery bed where I would have had my baby. It already had on a disposable bed pad.
I wondered how women survived the times when they worked until they had the baby and the go back to working in the fields.
“I wonder how women had their babies back in the days before they had medical care?” I asked.
“Lot of them got sick and died,” said the doctor. “You were lucky. You had the baby successfully without any complications but you have a third degree tear. We will get it sewed up successfully. You are also dehydrated but you are okay.”
Then another doctor came to me and said “I heard you were in the tub when you had the baby, were you already in it when you went into labor?”
“No I crawled in it,” I said.
“You crawled? While you were in labor? While the baby was coming?”
“Yes so I wouldn’t make a bloody mess,” I said.
“That was very smart and you moved while you were in that condition?”
“Yeah,” I said.
The doctors seemed impressed what I did but I didn’t think it was anything special. Do other women not do this if they end up having the baby at home?
Then Dr. Whitell arrived.
“I heard you had your baby at home,” he said. “He came quickly.”
My baby was then handed back to me. He cried again and I nursed him again.
I was given shots down there to numb me up so my doctor could stitch me. Then he worked down there. I didn’t feel anything. I just looked at my son. I looked at his tiny face and hands and nose and ears again. I didn’t feel excited I had him, I was only glad the pain was over and my misery. Now I was dealing with Braxton Hicks like cramps. My tummy was also checked out and they pressed on it to see where my uterus was. It had already shrunk a lot. My tummy was still big but it was smaller.
Then Daddy arrived. He came in the room. “Natalia?”
“Hi Stevie,” I said.
He came over to me and saw our baby. “Oh look at him.”
“We need this to be filled out for the baby’s birth certificate,” said one of the nurses. She had the clipboard with her.
“Okay, thank you, I will get a look at it,” said Daddy taking it from her.
He set it on his lap and looked at our baby. “He is so beautiful, we did a good job,” Daddy rubbed his finger across his head.
The baby kept nursing and his eyes were closed. He was so cute and I couldn’t stop holding him. He also had his hands on my boobs.
“He is latching on very well,” said one of the nurses.
I could remember Alex having a hard time latching on when he was first born I had to have a lactation nurse help me and he continued having latch on problems and I had thought about giving up but everyone kept telling me how breast is best for the baby and kept telling me it takes a while and I remember it would take like fifteen minutes to get him to latch on and my nipples would be all chapped because he would be latched on wrong and there was no way I was going to do it all over again. I did want to go to formula and just end the madness but even WIC kept telling me to keep trying and not give me any formula. Then I finally bought it myself to give my nipples a rest but he eventually learned to latch on. I could remember trying to taste the formula myself but the smell was too nasty for me to even want to put it in my mouth.
Daddy looked at the clipboard and he filled it out.
“Natalia, where was your place of birth?” he asked.
“Glendive, California USA,” I said.
“And your date of birth is twenty second Feb, one nine eight five and your maiden name is Evan.”
“Evans,” I corrected.
“And what is your surname on our marriage license, Evans-Wilums?”
“Yes.”
“And our son’s surname will just be Wilums?”
“That’s fine,” I said.
Daddy kept writing down the information.
Then he handed me the clipboard. “I need you to make sure all the information is correct.”
I looked at it. I viewed our home address and the area we lived and our zip code and my name and place of birth and my maiden name. It also had down the time our baby was born and it had down my husband’s name and his place of birth and date of birth. I filled in the spot where our baby was born and I put down the name of the facility which was “our home.” Then I was done.
“We’re done,” I said.
“Excellent,” said the nurse.
She took it from me and looked at it and then she asked us some questions about where I had the baby and who delivered it. I told her I did.
“The baby came fast huh?” she said.
“We couldn’t get to her in time,” said Daddy. “Our baby just came right out.”
“It all happened so fast,” I said. “One-minute I was having Braxton Hicks and the next thing I knew, I was having pain I couldn’t ignore so I called my cousin and boom he came out before she got back.”
“That has happened but thank goodness you were not on the tube or on the bus or in the cab or on the street,” said the nurse. “That has happened.”
“That is why they say we can’t travel in our last month of our pregnancy,” I said. “The baby could just come any moment.”
“There is also such thing as lot of movement can make you go through early labor which is why it’s recommended you stay home as much as you can in your last month.”
“That is what I kept telling her but she kept on going to the gym and kept on working at home and she would not rest or even let herself relax and I could never get her to take a break from walking when we would be out,” said Daddy.
“At least he was full term,” I said.
“Well we don’t know for sure if lot of activity induces labor, that has just been a theory so some women will purposely walk more to try and have their baby early,” the nurse explained. “But it has been shown that being active throughout pregnancy makes labor go quickly and having the baby.”
“That’s my wife, she is very active, she also works on her feet and she takes the bus and train to work and she is very active at home I couldn’t get her to rest.”
“I don’t like limitations,” I said.
“I know that,” said Daddy.
The nurse looked at the forum again wrote something on it and then she asked us, “What are you going to name your baby?”
“Miranda?” another doctor called.
She left with the clipboard in her hand before we even had the chance to say anything.
“You still have time to figure it out,” said Dr. Whitell sewing me up.
“Steven, we should discuss names now,” I said.
“I told you I like the name Tristian,” he said.
“But any other names you liked?”
“I didn’t bring the list with me. I came straight here when I heard you were here.”
“Well what other names do you like?”
“I don’t know. I like the name Tristian.”
“We can name him James,” I said.
“No,” he said. “I don’t like it.”
“London?” I teased.
“No, not after the city or he will get made fun of.”
“Casey?”
“That’s a girl’s name.”
“It’s a boy’s name too.”
“Maybe in the states but not here.”
“Benjamin?”
Daddy shrugged.
“Michael?”
Daddy shrugged again.
“Zachary?”
“I don’t really like that name.”
“Cody? David? Kyle? Devon? Cameron?”
“I don’t like that name or David. It makes me think of our prime minister. Ugh.”
Daddy is not fond of him. He does not like conservatives either or Republicans. I am not fond of them either.
“Jason? Nathan?”
“I don’t like Nathan.”
“But have you liked the other names I have said?” I asked.
“What’s wrong with Tristian? You had it listed.”
“Is that the only name you like?” I asked.
Was it really a guy thing to not care much about baby names? Here I was fussing over them. I decided to tease him again.
“How about Diane?”
“Natalia?” said Daddy.
“Ashley?”
“You’re joshin me.”
“Well I think I will name this girl Mary Beth Elizabeth Wilums.”
Daddy just sighed.
“Then tell me what other names you like.”
“I will think about it and then tell you soon,” said Daddy.
I relaxed some more while the doctor stitched me up. He was taking a long time and I even peed and he stopped and waited until I was done going before resuming again.
Soon he was finished and he asked me if I wanted the nappy back on or if I wanted a clean one.
“Give her a clean one,” said Daddy. “I’ll get it. Did you bring any Hun?”
“Yes, they’re over there,” I pointed.
He grabbed a clean nappy and he came over to me and he lifted my legs up and took the nappy away and put the clean one under me and taped it in place. Then my other nappy was thrown away.
I felt sick to my stomach. I was very hungry because of all the calories I had burned from going through labor and having the baby.
“I need food,” I said.
I was given a little snack and some juice. I felt a little better and Daddy made me drink all of the juice because he wanted me to be hydrated.
“So how much did he weigh and what was his height?” Daddy asked.
One of the nurses looked and told us how many stones he weighed and how many centimeters he is.
I had no idea how many pounds and inches those were. I can’t read stones and centimeters because they don’t tell me how much weight it is or how long.
“How many fifty-one stone is in pounds?” I asked.
“There is fourteen pounds in one stone,” said Daddy.
“So how much did he weigh, I can’t read stone,” I said.
“He weighed half.”
“Fine I can’t wait until I get on the damn internet,” I said.
“Is she okay?” the nurse asked.
“Yes, she just doesn’t know stones because she grew up in the states and they don’t use those there. She is not familiar with our measuring system,” Daddy explained.
I always hate stones because they never mention weight they always say how many stones someone weighs.
“That is about seven pounds,” said the nurse. “He had a poopy nappy so he probably weighed more at birth because she had him at home so we didn’t get to weigh him in time.”
“How many inches was he?” I asked.
“About twenty.”
After living here for six years, I still was not used to their weight and height system. I would have to go online to look it up to see how much weight it is in that stone or how many feet it is in those centimeters because that is the system they use here and no one knows inches and weight, they only know in stone and centimeters and they don’t know degrees either because they go by Celsius for temperature so I never know how hot and cold the weather is because no one tells me in Fahrenheit. I feel just like a little kid. But if they went to the states they might feel the same way too because they wouldn’t know our measuring system and our weight and temperature. But at least the nurse here knew but she was only estimating.
Then another doctor checked me again. He felt my forehead and asked how I was feeling. I told him I was feeling better and I no longer felt nauseated since I have food in me now but I feel very tired.
“You don’t feel dizzy or hot?”
“No,” I said.
“Do you feel weak?”
“No.”
“You’re going to need to drink plenty of water to ensure you have enough fluid in you.”
“Why did I get so dehydrated?” I asked.
“Not drinking enough water, and when you go through labor, you lose all that fluid.”
“I guess I didn’t drink enough,” I said.
“That is very common in labor.”
I felt better, it meant I wasn’t dumb after all.
I was then wheeled into another room to where mums stay with their new babies. I moved onto the new bed that was already in here and it already had on the disposable bed pad. The room looked more like a regular room than a hospital room and there was a spot for the dad. The nurses showed me around the room telling me where everything is and where the button is I press when I need anything.
“We also have food to serve you right now, do you want anything?” the nurse asked.
“No,” I said.
“Really? Are you sure?”
She sounded surprised so I guess other mothers always accept it and I had refused it.
“Yes, I’m sure,” I said. “I had a snack.”
“But it might not be enough,” she said.
“I don’t want anything to eat,” I said.
“Oh kay, let us know if you need anything, the button is right here,” she showed me and then everyone left.
I really wanted to shower so I could get clean. I placed my baby in the baby bed. I took off my gown and bra and I gathered my shower stuff.
Our baby started crying again and Daddy picked him up. “I get to hold him now.”
I took my shower and I dried off and got my nappy back on and I came out with the towel wrapped around my head. I grabbed a clean gown and put it on and it was a nursing gown. I put on some clean socks the hospital had and I took out some stuff I wanted and placed it next to my bed. Then I crawled back into bed and tried to go to sleep but the baby cried and Daddy said “I think he wants to nurse again.”
He handed him to me and I put him to my other boob. He went to sleep and I liked to jostle him as he slept. He was so cute. I still got these cramps down there and in my upper legs. They felt like cramps I had earlier before the real labor had begun. He already had on a hat and a shirt and socks. I just closed my eyes but then the nurse came in to check on us again and she gave me another pill and checked my belly again and gave me some water again to be sure I wouldn’t get dehydrated again. Then she left me with a bottle of water and told me how important it is to drink it all.
Daddy just laid down and he had his eyes closed. I looked at the time and it was eleven twenty-two.
I was so glad the room was air conditioned because I was having hot flashes off and on and it felt like I was going through puberty again. I felt sick to my stomach again. I ignored the nausea feeling. How did I get hungry again so fast?
I was too embarrassed to ask for food because then they would see how foolish I am for refusing it and now I want it now. But why did it even matter? They would never see me again and I wouldn’t be coming back to this spot. But I felt too nervous to face them and tell them I had changed my mind.
I had insomnia and I envied Daddy he got to sleep. I think the intense hunger is what’s keeping me up.
Then he woke up. “Oh you’re still up, I will take care of him and you get some sleep,” he said.
He took our baby and I said “I can’t sleep anyway. My tummy is keeping me up.”
“You’re hungry?”
“Yeah, I should have just accepted the food offer and I didn’t have to eat then but I didn’t think of it then.”
Daddy then pushed the button.
A few minutes later, someone picked up. “Hello?”
“Yes, my wife decided she wants her food.”
A few minutes later, the lady’s voice said “No problem.”
No problem? That’s it? No lecture, no saying how I should have taken the food offer?
Our son cried again and Daddy held him. He checked his nappy.
Then there was a knock on the door and Daddy said “Come in.”
One of the nurses came in with the food and it was in a plastic container like I would see in a store. She set it on the table besides my bed.
“Thanks you,” said Daddy.
“Enjoy your night,” she said.
She left and I pulled the table over my bed and lifted the lid and started to eat my sandwich. It was ham and cheese. It also had a cookie with it and some salad and it came with ranch dressing for me to put on. It also came with a napkin and plastic fork and knife. I ate my first sandwich and closed it back up again and pushed the table aside. I felt better in my stomach and laid back down again. Our baby kept on crying and Daddy just rocked him back and forth while he stood. “I know honey,” he said.
I didn’t know why he was crying. Then one of the nurses came back in and she helped us with the baby. She checked his nappy, and then she asked if he had been fed yet.
“Yes,” I said.
“He needs to be nursed every half hour, their tummies are very small and the size of their tiny fist.”
She handed him to me and I put him to my boob again and he took my boob and stopped. Daddy laid back down again. I just rested. I felt wide awake but yet tired. I just kept my eyes closed anyway while the cramps in my legs came and went and down there. I ate my other sandwich when the nausea came back. I had no idea how many calories my body burned while in labor and delivering the baby. Now I was very hungry like I hadn’t eaten in days. Now my body wanted the energy to make up for what it had to use for labor. I had my cookie next and had the salad and then I pushed the table aside again. I just ate my meal slowly everything I felt sick again.
Our baby barely even cried again just as long as I kept him to my boob every time he wailed. Then I started to poop my nappy again. At least I was no longer constipated. I just waited for it to be finished. Then I put my son back in his bed and I got out of bed and grabbed a clean nappy and changed in the bathroom. Then my son started crying. I just ignored it because I wasn’t going to come out there with no gown on and be butt naked with it being half cleaned. I didn’t want to wake Daddy up so that was why I was doing it myself. I heard a knock on the door and I ignored it. They could just come in if they felt they needed to and I also hoped Daddy would wake up and answer.
The knocking continued and then they came in while I was still getting cleaned up. I heard Daddy get up and asking where I am.
“In here,” I shouted.
I hoped they wouldn’t bother me and they didn’t so I was glad.
I got done and I put the nappy in the waste basket and washed my hands and put my gown back on. I left the bathroom and Daddy was holding our baby. I brushed my hair and climbed back into bed and tried to go to sleep.


When morning came I ordered breakfast and Daddy changed my nappy in bed while I held our baby. I had to take pills again for pain and my tummy was checked again by the nurses. They also checked our son and she changed him and then bundled him back up and handed him to me and left.
Breakfast soon came and they put it on the table and I ate it. I was starving again. I had our baby on the bed lying beside me like he was a doll but it had the head rest up and he couldn’t even roll so it’s not like he could roll off. He kept his eyes closed and slept. I finished my food and pushed the table aside and looked what was on TV. I saw a movie playing so I watched it trying to figure out what the movie was. I realized it was called Inside Out. I had always wanted to see it. I liked how they did it like having little people live inside your brain and they had their own towns and places and their own control center for how the person will react in situations and how they will feel and it showed how depression worked and I saw they had a dump for where memories go so no wonder people forget about an event or something they did and sometimes a memory is forgotten but it’s not quite discarded because it’s in storage and then sometimes that memory comes back as a flashback from a situation. I told Daddy all about it and what I had read online about it.
“You’re so cute watching your kid’s show with your doll,” he said.
“What doll?”
“That doll,” he pointed to our baby.
After the movie ended, I played a game on my 3DS while I nursed our son again. I couldn’t keep my mind focused on my computer or on any video games or my Kindle. I just wanted to keep looking at our new baby. He was so cute and I knew I already loved him. I kept sniffing him and jostling him in my arms while he slept. I even felt his soft spot and his skull.

Christina came in to see us and she had brought all the kids with. There was Alex standing in the room and he didn’t even look at us or at his half-brother. Instead he was running his fingers on walls and things.
“Alex, come meet your new brother,” said Daddy.
“He is pretty,” said Haley.
“He is so cute,” said Alexis.
They were both looking at him and Alex didn’t come near.
“Alex, do you want to see your new brother?” I asked.
He acted shy and Christina said “He will come around; this is all a change. Boy I am so tired. I was up all night with him because he had to see his mother leaving with the new baby and then she was gone all night.”
“Do you guys want to hold him?” I asked Haley and Alexis.
Haley got up on the bed and got in an Indian position and I put the baby on her lap. He stayed sleeping. Daddy took pictures and so did Christina. Then Alexis held him and more pictures were taken.
“Alex do you want to hold your brother?” Christina asked.
Alex just walked away.
“No? Okay then.”
I held my baby again and they took photos of us together.
Soon they left and I had my lunch. I was starving again. Boy my body burns calories fast after having a baby because it’s like I can never stay full. Last time everyone had to make me eat because I didn’t have an appetite due to the epidural so I never felt hungry.

Dad came later in the day with Robbie to see his new grandson and Robbie to see his new nephew.
“Oh he is gorgeous,” said Dad while holding him. “You guys did a good job.”
Then a new nurse came in again and she gave me another pill to take again and she checked my belly again. “I have never seen a belly go down this quickly,” she said.
My belly was smaller than it was when I first got here but it was not back to its normal size yet.
I decided to fill out the baby book I brought along. I wrote down his stone and centimeters as it was shown on the paper he had at the edge of his bed. I also wrote down the time he was born and the date and year. I had to remember to put the month first and then the day. But I had put down 8:32 PM instead of military time. I was still in my American habits. I even still use the terms band aids and yard sales or thrift store. I also wrote about my birth and no one was present when he was born. His place of birth was the bathtub in Mum and Dad’s bathroom in Woodland, London, UK. I even wrote down the address.
I let Robbie hold my baby. “I have a new cousin,” he said.
“No, this is your nephew,” said Dad. “Not your cousin, your nephew because she is your sister.”
Then Pam and Darrin arrived. They also held their grand baby.
“He is so adorable, congratulations,” said Pam.
Then our baby opened his mouth and yawned.
“What did you name him?” Dad asked.
“He doesn’t have one yet,” I said.
“You better think of one quick or else we won’t know what to call it,” said Darrin.
“Steven, what other names do you like?” I asked.
“I liked Tristian,” he said.
“Anything else?” I asked. “You said you would think about it and tell me later.”
“I forgot,” he said.
Then my social worker came in.
“Hey Natalia, congratulations,” she said. “How are things going so far?”
“Good,” I said.
“How is Alex doing? Has he seen his new brother yet?”
“He is moping,” I said.
“He is doing good,” said Daddy.
I was shocked at that answer.
“What?” I asked. “He hasn’t even shown interest and he won’t go near him.”
“But how is he adjusting? Any behavior issues, aggression?” Marie asked.
“No,” said Daddy.
“I heard you had a spontaneous home birth delivery, how did that go?” Marie asked.
“Fine I guess,” I said.
“She got very dehydrated,” said Daddy.
“I had him in the tub to avoid getting blood everywhere,” I said.
“I will be keeping in touch to see how you are doing and how well everything is going,” said Marie.
She asked us more questions and we answered them and Dad talked to her out of the room. Pam kept holding our baby.
Then the social worker came back in with Dad.
“How do you feel about going home to Alex?” Marie asked me.
“Nervous,” I said. “I don’t know how he is going to be reacting to all this and I don’t know how I will be handling him and the baby.”
“I understand you have an anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder so you get intrusive thoughts and worry about the bad happening and I understand it runs in your family as does autism spectrum disorders and you also have the diagnoses so there is a higher chance this baby will have these and because you have a history of depression, you are at a higher risk for postpartum depression. Would you feel better if you had someone at your house?”
“Yes,” I said.
“What are you nervous about?”
“Not being able to handle both kids,” I said.
It seemed irrational I was worrying about Alex going violent on me and starting the abuse but I couldn’t help those thoughts. With all the media about violent autistic kids, it frightens me and changes my perspective on life. Alex is strong now and it’s hard for me to drag him and I can’t even carry him and he is up to my shoulders and I am also worried I will start abusing him because I get so overwhelmed and what if I do it in self-defense? He is so strong now and there is no way I could defend myself. I would have to do attacks.
“What do you think could happen?”
“My son getting violent because of puberty and he is stronger now and up to my shoulders, I can’t restrain him or carry him so how am I going to even defend myself without doing any abuse?”
“I think those are rational thoughts,” said Marie. “Some children on the spectrum do show signs of aggression when they reach puberty because of hormones and they don’t know how to describe them or understand what is going on with their feelings and if they have been aggressive before, you have a reason to worry especially with the new baby.”
“But he isn’t violent, that is the thing here,” said Dad.
“He gets violent sometimes,” I said.
“And has he hurt you?” Dad asked.
“No,” I said.
“See, you worry over nothing Natalie.”
“You worried about the house not being clean enough,” I said. “So we had to live in the Parade of homes and also got upset if something was left out. Do you still do that now with Robbie?”
“I am not allowed to leave my plate on the coffee table between bites,” cried Robbie.
“What?” I asked. “It wasn’t like that for me when I was a kid.”
Had Dad gotten worse?
“Daddy will take my food away if I am not eating it,” he said. “He says I am done eating so I have to keep my plate on my lap or else he will think I am done. I can’t even leave the table so I can’t go potty or else my food will be put away.”
Dad just chuckled. “What he means is I don’t like him leaving his food out when he isn’t eating it. He will just sit and watch TV and leave his food there and not even eat it and that is a waste. Food’s expensive or he will be sitting at the table and then he leaves it there and doesn’t come back.”
“Do you put it away when he goes to the toilet?” Marie asked.
“I made that mistake once because I didn’t know he was in there,” said Dad. “But now I ask to see if he is in there before I put it away and scold him about it.”
Marie got back to me and asked me more about my concerns but Dad kept on intruding.
“You said you didn’t feel in any danger and you said you didn’t fear him,” said Dad.
“Hey, can I talk to your daughter without you interrupting?” Marie asked him.
She got back to us. I told Marie about the horror stories I read online and Alex’s past aggression sometimes and my fear about it getting worse when his hormones change and my own worries about myself about how I would react to it because I react to abuse. I even pushed a teacher down the stairs on accident in seventh grade because of the way she grabbed me or punching another teacher in the face or getting into fights with other kids because of their bullying and I even broke a girl's leg once on accident because she was giving me a hard time so I tripped her and she broke her leg and had to quit football. That is what the Europeans call soccer. I also told her about the incident at school when I was picking him up and had help getting to the car with him because I was uncomfortable walking because of the pregnancy and I also told her about the knife incident but he meant it as a joke but it still freaked me out.
“How have you reacted to his aggression in the past?” Marie asked.
“I would restrain him,” I said. “He was smaller then so I could get on top of him or lock him in my room and now that he is bigger, I have grabbed him and pushed him a few times because it’s my natural reaction to abuse. When anyone lays a hand on me in an aggressive manner, I react but what happens when that person is your child and the size of an adult now and they touch you in an abusive way?”
“Would you feel better if we taught you proper self-defense so you wouldn’t have to worry about hurting your son and you would know how to properly defend yourself without using any violence?” Marie asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“Also how did you learn to fight like that?”
“I took karate when I was a kid and my older brother taught me some self-defense moves he learned but they were all aggressive sadly because they were all meant for people who try to hurt and attack you, not against people who are disabled or mentally ill and it was only because of other kids picking on me but that turned me into an aggressor and I never got suspended for it because it would have been ineffective and other kids knew to not touch me so they did verbal and mental abuse instead.”
“I see you are still seeing Dr. Nickels correct?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Our goal is always to try and keep families together so removing your kids would be the last on our list unless we feel they are in any danger so I will offer you services of proper self-defense so you won’t do any child abuse and I will see if I can have someone be with you when you have no support at home. Would you mind if I had a word with your Dad?”
“No,” I said.
Marie then stepped out of the room with Dad and they talked again.
“I think everything will be okay,” Daddy told me.
“I hope, I don’t want them thinking I will be too dangerous to parent just because of my history,” I said. “I even admitted I react aggressively to Alex’s aggression.”
I got an ugly image in my head of Alex being older and he gets upset and starts to hit me and I grab his wrist in self-defense and flip it but instead I twist it and he has to go to the hospital. Would I be charged with child abuse? I bet that would have taught him to never raise his hands at me ever again.
“I am sure it will be fine,” said Daddy. “It’s not like you are psychically abusing him; you’re not starving him or locking him in his room or tying him up.”
“But if he was abusive so that was the only way to keep myself safe and my child safe and what if he was a wanderer so he always found his way outside?” I said.
“I don’t know but he isn’t like that so you don’t even need to think about it.”
I felt sorry for all the parents out there who had disabled kids who were violent to their family members and to themselves or who always tend to wander around on the blocks being disruptive so keeping them tied up was the only way to keep everyone safe. I realized we all took our kids for granted who don’t do those things. We actually took our parenting for granted. Lot of people are so judgmental they do not put themselves in those parents’ shoes so they make the parents out to be the monster and they don’t even think what would they do in that situation, how would they stay safe, how would they keep their kid safe? Lot of us have it so easier than them we don’t even need to think about it and of course we will never do those things to our kids because they are not dangerous and don’t wander off and be disruptive and it’s not like they can punish them and they never do it again. They’re disabled or sick. Sometimes I think I have better empathy than lot of people and my daddy says I lack it and have little of it and not a lot and I sometimes think lot of people are just stupid and I am smarter but lot of people are just sick in their views and I doubt intelligence has anything to do with it or else that would be a lot of people in the world with a low IQ and they wouldn’t have their college degree. I doubt they are that stupid so I think they think it’s okay for kids to engender their family lives and cause disruption to the public and wander off and be lost and get in any danger while the parents were sleeping in their beds or busy with cooking or whatever. Why else would they be judgmental about it or otherwise they wouldn’t judge the parents if they understood like me and also thought kids should not abuse their families and endanger their siblings and destroy their home and wander off and get into any danger or cause any disruptions that would be criminal behavior and people live in la la land because they don’t want to believe it so they would rather think the parents are lying and making excuses. But Mum and Dad have always said there are lot of stupid people in the world and it takes the internet for me to see it. So maybe all those people are really dumb and I have seen people online express sympathy for those parents and wonder where was the support, weren’t they getting any help, and these couple in California did start to receive help after both their grown autistic sons were found locked in the basement and I wondered why did they lack furniture down there and proper bedding without making any assumptions before getting more facts. The fact that the basement smelled like urine and feces, I wondered didn’t they ever take them to the potty, that seemed unacceptable. Being in clothes is one thing and if they were clean and had proper bedding down there and some furniture and if they were taken to the toilet. I do find it ridiculous in the states that it has to get that bad before the family can finally receive help because the parents were too overwhelmed to properly care for them. Do parents need to abuse and neglect their children to get help?
I told Daddy about the image I just got in my head about Alex and me twisting his wrist.
Daddy just rubbed my shoulder.
“I hope he won’t get violent on me when puberty hits,” I said. “Autistic children will be more aggressive in their teens.”
I was feeling like my life was in danger and I was heading there. I could see myself in prison in the next few years. I think I would already be dead before I actually die.
“I hope our baby will be safe,” I said.
I decided I would keep my baby with me at all times. I had to protect him. Alex didn’t want me having a baby and now he is mad he was born so I would have to keep him protected from him.
Then Dad and Marie came back in.
“So your dad told me about your history and he said you have received therapy to learn to control your impulse and your anger and to learn to be more aware of your feelings and understanding them and he told me you do read the internet too much and watch too many drama shows so I would also suggest you try and read less of that stuff and to cut back on those shows.”
“But I barely watch TV,” I said.
“Do you watch them online?”
“Sometimes.”
“Okay. I would suggest you cut back on that negative stuff.”
“Oh no, don’t tell her that, she might find another negative thing to read about,” said Daddy.
“What?” Marie asked.
“She’s literal. I am just saying you told her to cut back on that negative stuff so she might read other negative things.”
“I see. Just try and stay away from any negative stuff. Quit reading it. Why do you read those things?”
“I don’t, I just see those threads and I tend to skip them but sometimes they are posted and I don’t know it’s about aggression until I have read about it and I was reading about Kelli Stapleton because everyone was saying she abused her daughter and stuff so I wanted to get those facts myself than from hearsay and I couldn’t find any evidence about it and Issy never spoke up about it with her side of the story or her siblings and her relatives were too vague about it and her father barely said a word about it, it was all Kelli Kelli Kelli and the story was ticking me off too much so I stopped reading about it. Then I watched it on Dr. Phil online because I thought I would hear from Matt or Issy or her siblings but it was Kelli again and Dr. Phil did try to reach out to Matt for his side but he refused to tell his and said it was Kelli’s story. But instead I regret watching that show because it made me hate Issy more and I wonder why is she even allowed to live in the real world instead of in a mental institution. She is so dangerous why is she allowed to hurt people and abuse her mother and sister? And the thing is Kelli has remorse for the attempted murder but if that were me I wouldn’t have regretted it because I believe abusers should be put down and I believe in self-defense and that victims should kill their abuser.” My voice was stern and I was pointing my finger and shaking it. “When a child hurts anyone, they are no longer innocent or defenseless and they deserve to be locked up and if they can’t overcome their abuse they should be put down so they can’t hurt anyone ever again. It’s like a pedophile, when they hurt a child, they are no longer human, when a parent hurts a child, they are no longer a parent. And anyone who thinks it’s okay for children to hurt adults and other kids need to have their heads checked and they are also very sick people for thinking this is okay and for blaming the victim when self-defense happens and if I ever hurt Alex in self-defense and if I have to go to prison, I would rather be dead because this is a sick world we are living in,” and I started crying.
I noticed a look on Marie’s face. Her mouth was open. I bet I showed her.
“Natalie,” said Dad gasping.
“Honey,” said Daddy.
“Oh my,” said Pam.
“Wow,” said Darrin.
“What, you all think it’s okay for children to hurt people?” I asked. “You think it’s going to be okay if Alex hurts me? Did you know in the year 2009, a 19-year-old autistic man with a mentality of a two-year-old beat his mother to death during a meltdown? He was placed in a mental hospital and all charges were dropped because he could not be held accountable for his actions and he was unfit to stand trial because of his mentality. You think that’s okay?” I yelled. “What is the matter with you?”
“I see you feel very strongly about this,” said Marie. “You are correct that everyone should have a safe environment and none of us think it’s okay for kids to hurt adults okay.”
“Good,” I said. “So that means you won’t judge anyone if they hurt their child in self-defense if their kid was an abuser or if parents send their adoptive kid off back to their home country or hand them to anyone or if a parent kills their child or attempts to and the kid was aggressive or if the kid was kept locked up or tied up and the kid was aggressive and siblings feared that child.”
“Natalie, have you ever been in a situation that involved a kid that aggressive that put other lives in danger?” Marie asked.
“Actually yeah,” I said. “But I was glad she got hit by a car.”
“Chloe,” said Dad. “My ex-wife and I made a mistake of hooking her up with another child but she had severe behavior issues and she was pretty aggressive and one day she held another kid at knife point and she was very mean to her father, yelled and screamed at him, threw things, threatened him, bullied and she bullied other kids in her school and use aggression, and this kid was ten years old and then one day she ran from her dad and a car hit her and she died because she got impulsive and ran in the street.”
“Natalie, I am so sorry you had to go through that and see it,” said Marie.
“And I have heard of other violent kids and heard stories about them online and I kids have committed violent crimes,” I said. “A kid even brought a gun to my school once and he got suspended and everyone was not allowed to leave their classroom, we had a big lock down. Then they decided to put in these security things airports have to check us for any weapons.”
“But no one was hurt right?” Darrin asked.
“Yes, they caught him before anything happened,” I said.
“That’s good,” said Marie.
“Aren’t you glad you live here now?” Dad asked. “You won’t have to worry about any school shootings.”
“Well it sounds like you have been though a lot,” said Marie. “So I can understand your whole perspective on violent kids and aggression and why you feel so negative about it. I think it’s understandable and justified. When did the gun incident happen?”
“April 2001,” I said. “We didn’t even go to school for a few days because they had to figure out how to ensure all students will be safe there so they got these security things for us to walk through for any weapons and putting our bags through the machine to screen for any weapons and it was so humiliating for me because that meant everyone would get to see my nappies so instead I got my bag checked privately without having to get it scanned.”
“We were wondering why she was getting aggressive at home and trying to threaten us until we found out she was learning it from Chloe and Natalie just had found a short cut to dealing with her feelings,” said Dad.
Then one day my mother had grabbed me by the neck and pushed me against the wall and threatened me. That was the last time I ever laid a hand on her because I knew she could hurt me if I hurt her and she told me she wouldn’t have a problem killing me in self-defense if I tried to kill her. I told Marie that.
“Yeah she did do that,” said Dad. “She just slammed her against the wall hitting her head on it choking her because Natalie was hitting her.”
“Is aggression is what you all used?” Marie asked Glen.
“No,” said Dad. “We did consequences too and natural ones but what are you supposed to do if you have a sixteen-year-old hitting you or grabbing you or a seven-year old choking their baby brother?”
“So you guys used aggression if there was aggression?” Marie asked.
“Precisely,” said Dad.
“I can see why Natalie would have these views. She was taught this is how you handle things when there is aggression and her mother threatening to kill her.”
“She didn’t threaten me, she told me she wouldn’t have a problem killing me if I tried killing her,” I said. “I’ve never tried to kill her but I must have scared her enough that she said it and guess what, I didn’t abuse her ever again because I was afraid of her and that was good because it kept me from abusing her so I did self-harm instead so the worst that can happen with Alex is him doing self-harm because he would know that if he lays a hand on me, I will defend myself and he would be sent away and not live with us anymore if he made my life unsafe and his baby brother’s and even Steven promised me that too.”
“Well here we deal with aggressive inmates and mental patients and we never use aggression on them,” Marie explained.
“That is because you guys have a bunch of workers and it would be hard for one person to knock them all out,” I said.
I already knew that because I had seen it on youtube and I was so impressed but they had a bunch of them instead of one prison guard handling one inmate so it would be hard for the inmate to knock them all out if there are a bunch of them because they can all restrain him and hold him. But in America, do that, you get beaten by the guard and I wonder why the hell be aggressive with them I the first place, that is so stupid. That is always my frustration about them. I was smart to not ever lay a hand on my mother so why can’t those inmates and mental patients learn?
“But there was only my mother,” I said. “So she had to defend herself and I am glad she did that because that showed me. With Alex, there is only me and no bunch of other people so how can I restrain him if he is going to be bigger than me soon and stronger?”
“That is why we are offering you proper self-defense training so you wouldn’t have to be aggressive when you defend yourself,” said Marie. “Like I say, we try to keep families together.”
Darrin held our baby as we talked and then Marie left and Robbie was bored so Dad left with him.
“So Nat, do you believe in capital punishment?” Darrin asked.
“I think that should only be used on the ones who will kill again and are that much of a danger to society and other inmates because they are so clever they will find ways to torture and kill,” I said.
“Even if they are insane?”
“Yes,” I said. “You will mind as well put them down, we put animals down when they are dangerous so why not humans? I hate violent people of all ages.”
“Okay so what if this was your own child, would you want him dead?”
“If he is that dangerous, I would have to have him put down but I might still be sad about his death and be grieving because he was my child. That is why Kelli tried to kill her daughter because he she is very violent and can hurt people so she wanted to kill her and herself and her daughter has been in and out of the hospital and she would make progress and always relapse again so the insurance stopped paying for it because they didn’t think she would get better so that is when Kelli planned to kill. She had to protect her other daughter from the abuse and I wish she would have died and not survive and I was hoping her brain damage would have made her unable to be violent but I heard she can’t move as quickly so at least her sister has more time to get away from her.”
“You have some very dark thoughts,” said Daddy.
“Your parents sure did well with raising you, they taught you how bad violence is,” said Pam.
“Yes and I will teach my kids to hate violence too,” I said. “I will make sure they know if they ever hurt me, they will be hurt in return or be sent away or be killed in self-defense if they try to kill me.”
“If you never knew Chloe or if that gun incident never happened, do you think you wouldn’t have this perspective?” Daddy asked me.
“No, I think I still would have had these thoughts because I would have read about it online and see it on shows so I can’t blame it all on Chloe and that other boy,” I said. “Some children are just sick and messed up and not all kids are innocent and sometimes they have a part in their brain that isn’t working or functioning right so it doesn’t allow them to filter their behavior. We all have a part in our brain that allows us to filter ourselves so we keep ourselves from hitting someone when we are mad or acting out in impulse when we feel it but some people have no control over that because that part of their brain does not work but should they still be allowed to run wild and hurt people if someone pisses them off? That is why some people with brain damage are violent because that part of their brain that lets them control their impulse has been damaged so they have no control anymore. Chloe is just an example that violent kids really do exist and they can really hurt people.”
“Was she abused?”
“No,” I said. “Even if she was, she should still seek treatment so she wouldn’t be an abuser anymore and if she doesn’t overcome it, keep her locked up but she died so that doesn’t matter. But too bad we can’t treat abused animals to not be aggressive because we put them to sleep instead.”
“Yeah because of diseases,” said Steven. “And we don’t want more people being hurt or killed by them.”
“But yet we do want that with other humans from violent people and kids?” I asked. “Funny logic.”
“Animals aren’t human,” said Daddy.
“I know so we put them down but we won’t with other people if they are dangerous so if you get attacked by someone, too bad so sad, sucks to be you.”
“Actually we do in some places, some countries have capital punishment,” said Pam.
“Yeah but they don’t use them properly. In Taiwan, they kill you if you do drug trafficking, back in the days you used to get put to death for anything including treason.”
“Treason is a very terrible thing to do,” said Daddy.
“Yeah but I don’t understand how it’s capital punishment worthy, why not just lock them up for life?”
“They don’t want to feed them for the rest of their lives and house them so they kill them.”
“Well then, they will mind as well kill all the other inmates who are there for life without parole,” I said. “Why waste our time feeding them and housing them, they are a waste of money, kill them.”
“I think they should bring back capital punishment here,” said Pam. “Some people don’t deserve to live especially those who hurt children.”
“In Iran they kill you if you are gay or date other people or if you are raped,” I said. “In some cultures, families are allowed to kill their family member which they call an honor kill because they brought shame to the family and it could be due to their sexuality, their beliefs, what career they are going for, what their dream is, anything the family didn’t like.”
We were all talking about capital punishments and who should be put to death and how everyone had a different opinion about what kinds of people should be put down. My opinion was people who are very dangerous to society and other inmates so they shouldn’t live. Daddy’s opinion about who should be put down are child rapists. Pam’s opinion was anyone who kills their children or their spouses for insurance and anyone who rapes a child and Darrin has the same opinion also. He even thought child abusers should be put down. Anyone who abuses a child should be put down.
Darrin then handed the baby back to Daddy and they had to leave so they left. It was Daddy and I alone. The nurse came back and she checked my tummy again and gave me a pill to take again. I also had lunch and nursed our baby more.
“We should think of baby names again,” I said.
Daddy sighed, “Yeah you’re right. We better get to it. I like Tristian.”